My Sex Therapist - Dr. Kate Balestrieri

I don't think my wife has ever initiated sex in the last seven years.

How do you feel about that?

Well, I brought it upshaw Tosh Live from Los Angeles. It's Tuesday Borning Live with Eddie Goslen, Pete Rellia, John l. Rick, musical guest Dylan Stern, and your host Daniel Tosh. Welcome to Tosh Show. Oh, I'm so nervous to be here. That's all I've got. How you doing, Eddie?

I'm doing good.

How are you? Man? I am doing swell Eddie. You know we don't ever do what's that I would say? We've never done it. Okay, in our entire friendship, we've never said I love you. I say it all the time. You've never said it to me. I think I might have said it to be funny once. No, you've never said it. Well, I do love you? You do? Yeah?

I love you?

Ah, I knew you did you bussy. Here's where I'm going with this. I'm not gonna say it to you because that's fucking stupid. My wife says I love you to everyone. She's made it completely meaningless, like literally, we made such a big deal about it the first time that we said I love you to each other after a year of dating. But like when I just listen to her. Every phone conversation with her friends ends with I love you. Every conversation with any member of her

Wow.

Yeah, it's a bigger panty. It's a meal, and it's nice. It's a meal. If you're going to open up a pair of period panties, you better have an appetite cause, uh, it's a meal.

Or no.

Beef, that's beef jerky. It's good. I got her the tie chili ones. Oh yeah, yeah, she said it burned and itch. But whatever. I don't want to go into too much more detail. I know our listeners and viewers are getting all horned up. I'm gonna ask you nicely.

Hold hold hold, hold, hold.

Enjoy Pasha. Today's guest will probably attempt to get into my mind because she is a license forensic and clinical psychologist and also a certified sex therapist. But I have a perfect relationship with my hot mother, So good luck trying to psychoanalyze me. Please welcome, sexy therapist. Hey, no, sex therapist. You know what. I'm just gonna go with doctor Kate. How's that? How are you?

I'm okay? How are you?

I'm doing well? Thank you? Good?

Are you really?

Uh huh? Oh No. The first thing she's already in, she's already in. There's the nightmare, all right, I'll still well, let's start with do you believe in ghosts?

Oh?

Ghosts of previous relationships?

Maybe, but that's the only type. Yeah, you don't believe in ghosts, then it's a no. What about skeletons in people's closets?

Metaphorically?

Sure? Sure, good grief. Just so you know my background, I've never been to therapy. Never. No, why I resent I don't know, you know, I've never felt like I really needed it, And I always figured the cuckoo stuff in my head that I could live with helped me professionally, So I was like, I just leave it.

Did you know that your face is changing colors? Right?

Now probably. I mean it's well, Listen, I'm aware that I'm on the wrong side of it. Listen.

Everybody can benefit from having somebody to talk to, but not everyone needs to go to therapy. So you make a decision about what works for you.

When you live in Los Angeles, so many people are so open about their therapy, and I have friends that have been in therapy for decades, and I say to myself, why am I hanging out with someone that hasn't been fixed yet? Is it's just forever, We're going to do this forever.

No. People go to therapy for lots of different reasons. Sometimes they want a solution to a symptom that's really bothering them, and that's probably more of like a short term experience in therapy. But sometimes people want a place that's a neutral space, and they want a long term relationship with someone who knows them so that they can go back and get tuneups and check in across lots of different milestones in their life, and it can be really helpful. Right Like we all have an accountant, we

Same with it like a medical doctor. When stuff's wrong with me, I don't go, well, that sounds like a you thing. I know it is. Oh yeah definitely. I'm just like, ah, that'll work itself out. And you know, I don't need to use my back the same way I used to. I just wanted you to have you know, know who you were talking to on some somebody. Again, I think it's rate for other people, not for me. Where are you with that in person therapy versus you know, the teletherrapy.

It's such a good question. Like for some people, virtual therapy is the only reason they can make time for it. It gives them the space, It gives them the flexibility to actually get into some of the stuff they want to get into, which is great. For other people, they don't like it because they can't get enough privacy at home, you know, they live in a smaller space. Maybe their partner or kids make it hard to focus. They want to be in person.

I mean, any doctor that lets me just like hold up my kid's arm into a camera and will like send me a you know, a prescription, I'm like, thank you. It's so much better.

It's convenience.

Oh, you're originally from Wisconsin, went to school in Chicago. Now say what you will about the blown out of proportion, you know, gun violence. How much do you love Chicago?

I love it. I miss it so much.

I go back regularly.

Or no, I was just there a few weeks ago. Yeah, it's great.

It's a good time a year to be there.

It is.

It's beautiful. There's a small window. There's like three weeks in the beginning to fall and three weeks at the end of spring, exactly right, and that's it.

Yep, the rest of it. You can leave there.

Sure. Sure. You began your career as a therapist working in the legal system with prison inmates. What was that like?

It was, honestly such a great education because I got to see the worst of humanity and also the best.

It was really insightful who was the best?

You get to see the best of humanity in these really small moments where new inmates would come in and look, most of the time, it's pretty doggy dog in there. But every once in a while you saw someone take someone else under their wing without another agenda. You saw them give somebody something from commissary because they were having a really hard time, or you saw them have a growth moment that was really profound. You know. There were just little moments.

Like that that really shand through my biggest fear in life.

Going to prison. Yes, good for good reason.

Well that in monsters, but yeah, no, it seems awful. How do you transition the career into sex therapy?

Yeah? Well, working with sex offenders for as long as I did gave me a lot of training and a lot of understanding to really understand the different relationships that people have with sex and howe how people use sex to communicate different things that they want or they need

Who benefits from you the most? Is it people that have had, like, you know, horrible sex trauma in their life or is it people that are just trying to enrich their sex lives? Both?

Huh?

Both?

Right? I work with people who have had horrific trauma in their lives. People who have pain during sex, who can't get an erection, or who ejaculate too soon or sooner than they would like. I work with people who want to open their relationship and they don't know how to get started, people who want to get kinky and they don't know how to get started, or mixed relationships, or one person's more of vanilla, one person's more kinky, and they're trying to figure out how to make that

We do a lot a lot of people trying to fix their relationship.

A lot of people trying to fix is an interesting word, right. Fix assumes that there's a finish line or a finite point, or that we're all these static creatures where it just like pop back into place. But that's not really how it works, right. We're all dynamics, So it's about integration, understanding, assimilation, you know, kind of creating a new path forward. So it's a very dynamic process.

I mean, the real fix is divorce, but they don't want to do that. Is that a fix well. Sometimes sometimes sometimes you have recommend that they get divorced because you know enough information about one of the parties that you're like, m, this is not this is not going to work. You're wasting your time.

I might say that. I might say I might say, this is seeming like a fruitless effort. Okay, let's explore that. I will push people to explore what divorce could look like, but I'll also push them to explore what not getting divorced could look like. I don't have an agenda for

Oh that's a mistake. I mean, oh, you see, you have no agenda. But your agenda is you'd like your clients to be happy. I want my.

Clients to feel content and at peace with the decisions that they make in life, and to have meaning and create meaning where they need it and want it, and to make hard decisions. It's not always possible to be happy all the time, right. We want to create a life that has meanings so that we can sustain the parts that aren't so happy and really enjoy the parts that are.

I enjoy the roller coaster. It's real high highs, and then I like just crashing. By the way, anytime I refer I have a sex question during this interview, I want you to know it's not about me. It's for a friend always. Okay, of course I get that.

You don't even have sex. I'm sure I do.

Do you.

I have sex with my wife, you know, pretty regularly. That's great for your standard vanilla clients. How many times do you want them to go at it a week?

However, many times it makes sense for.

What I'm talking about vanilla people.

However, many times it makes sense for them. There isn't an ideal, right, because every couple is different.

I don't think my wife has ever initiated sex in the last seven years.

How do you feel about that?

Well, I brought it up. That's all right, that's a start, Daniel. I think it's okay. I think it's okay that she doesn't. I'm like, you know what, that's fine.

It depends on why. For some partners they'd be like, yeah, no, that's my thing. I want to be the initiator m hm. And for some they're like, I want my partner to initiate more. And I don't know why they're not.

We've turned into like like some nineteen eighties sitcom where I'm chasing her around that come here. I believe that if I'm being honest about who I am sexually, it hasn't really changed that much since I was, you know, fourteen.

Yeah, I believe that.

And I believe women change so much more physically throughout their lives, whether it's just you know, as they get older, having a baby, if they have a baby, you know, you got organs moving around your everything about them seems like it's just a moving target at all points of their lives. So it's I always feel like, ah, this is this is tough. Refigure this stuff out constantly.

That sounds like a fun adventure, and.

Gay, I go, I should look at it that way. I'm just always looking for a cheat code. I'm like, all right, what now, what are you injured now? Be talking less. Got it. I've been married for almost ten years. Can sex therapy shut out the part of my brain that remembers my twenties and thirties? You know, when I was living the good life. I don't mean to say the good life, but now that actually describes it pretty much.

You mean, like, do we have one of those men in black things where it can just and like out goes a whole day?

No?

I mean, I don't know. I just feel like, is there a way to block that out? Get rid of the roll of desk?

We want to?

Well, are you playing the compare and despair game? Daniel?

Oh? Is that what it's called? Yeah? No, I'm not playing it? Well now I am now because you put in my heads. Now I'm doing it. I can't stop doing it right now.

You know, maybe you could use all of those memories as like ideas to bring fun stuff into your tenure marriage.

Hmm.

Whatever you liked about those experiences, can they be a bridge into the now?

There were just somebody knew, that's all, you know. I've never wanted to break up with somebody for someone else in my way, that's nice. I've always wanted to break up just so I could be alone again.

Okay. I was like, oh yeah, is it really taxing for you to be in a relationship?

No?

Not now now the person'm in relationship, I'm just like, yeah, this is great, amazing, let's just let's just ride this out. Mm hmm. Anyway, this is what therapy is. Yeah, this isn't bad. Is cut your check at the end of my venmo your houses work?

Hmmm, I'll send you a bill.

What's the most common reason someone goes to see a sex therapist?

Usually because something's going on in their sex life and they don't know how to make it better, But the underlying question is usually something like am I normal? Am I broken?

You know?

Am I okay? For wanting what I want? Or because this thing has happened. So usually it's about addressing something that they don't know how to make sense of and making sure that they're like, okay.

How do you start we come in for a sex therapy session. How quickly do we just start talking about the weird stuff that they do?

I wouldn't call it weird, but sex therapy is just like every other kind of therapy. At the start, it's getting a lot of background about someone their life, their medical history, legal history, family history, social history. We want to know who you are holistically, and then we're going to talk about whatever sexually is bringing you into the space so that we can have a really integrated idea of what's going on.

How kinky are you dealing? I'm just like, are these people like straight up freaks? What's the scale? What are people into?

Now?

Why wouldn't use the word freak unless we're using it in like a positive like they're freaky, they're getting freaky to what do.

They just like have to like harness themselves up and all that.

Have you ever tried it? No, Well, then you don't know what you're missing.

That's fine. I've never been to Bora Bora and I'm okay with that. Okay, I know it's beautiful. Yeah, but it's like whatever.

People are kinky for lots of reasons, right, and it's not always about sex, at least not penetrative sex. Kink is really it's a vehicle for intimacy, intimacy with self, intimacy with others. So people are kinky because they get to feel something in their body or something in the dynamic that they don't have access to otherwise, and sex is play. It's play for adults, whether you're vanilla or kinky. But the kinky folks, you know, they get pretty creative. Now.

I've been my previous show that I had on Comedy Central, I've been known to kink shame a time or two. But I'll be honest with you in my defense, the internet is just a horrible place, and I had no idea. I mean, half the videos I didn't even know that it was I mean, that's not true. I probably knew it was sexual, but it's just so bizarre, the random things that some people are just like, no, I just sit here and comb somebody's hair for four hours. It's just disturbing, is it?

Or is it just something you don't understand?

I don't understand. Also, come on, that's what you need to be doing. What about people that are into that weird?

Uh uh?

This is going to get disgusting. But yes, let's just say poop people that are in like, is it poop play? Is that a thing? Whatever?

The thing?

Yeah, you have to sit there and act like this this is acceptable. What you're saying, Oh you're into this, it's okay.

Why wouldn't it be okay?

It's disgusting.

Yeah, Look, excrement can be really gross. We're all conditioned to think you you you, and like disgust serves a very.

He don't like it, Carls, like you're about to talk about although he's a car.

Yeah, Carl's like Daniel, you're like speaking out of your lane here.

Fair enough, fair enough, Carl, I apologize all right.

People like it for different reasons. Some people enjoy that kind of play because it is gross and they like to lean into the disgust element or the humiliation element. Some people like it because they want to reclaim something in themselves. You know, everyone's different, and the important thing to remember, whatever the kink is that somebody's doing, it's a metaphor for something that they're trying to experience in life.

No, that's just that's just some fucked up parents. That's that's all it is. You just got to tell them get out of your off and also, duh, it just you clean the couch.

Everyone's got different things, I know. That's the beauty of sex, right, Like it is so diverse. That's the one constant is that it's diverse, and human beings are super super diverse. We all like different kinds of foods. We like different kinds of music. Why wouldn't we like different kinds of sex?

I know we do. But no matter what you're into, it's still you just want to get to the finish line. The finish line is the same for everybody. Not necessarily, it's still.

Focusing too much on an orgasm. Can really listen? Orgasms are great. We've got to close the gap first of all. But close the gap, the orgasm gap.

What's the gap?

Oh, he's not heard of the orgasm gap?

No, what is this?

Okay? So big study was done a few years ago, like fifty thousand ish participants.

I would have participated. I bet you would have.

And what they looked at were people's gender and sexual orientations and their frequency of orgasm. What they learned is that there's a huge gap for heterosexual people. Heterosexual men have orgasms like something like ninety five percent of the time. Uh huh, whereas heterosexual women have orgasms only something like sixty five percent of the time.

You don't, I say, who cares?

I do feel sorry for your wife.

But if you would have told me it was fifty percent gap, I would have been like, of course, it's fifty. I'm not gonna be I'm not shocked by that at all.

No, not at all.

But it sucks for women who have sex with men exclusively, like their orgasm potential is so low.

Well, maybe they shouldn't be so hard to have an orgasm. Maybe I'm getting hostile.

I hear that I want to talk about it.

Shouldn't mabe, shouldn't take so long. Oh, it's not our fault. You're wired so tricky, isn't it though?

Is it in your do we need to talk about where things are? Do you want to know? Should I bring in my my life?

Listen, I'm I know what to do. But it's like sometimes it's like, hey, you know, there's sometimes you're with your partner again. I'm not talking about my way. I'm talking about just in general.

Your friend's wife.

They'll say those that you know, it's just not happening that you know, all the same things are are are in play here, but you know what you can just they're just going to tap out, Yeah happens. And I'm always like, as soon as I get that tap, I'm like, oh great, three two one, h all right, So there's a big gap. What do we have to do to close the gap, We've got to be toys. Yes, do you say toys or do you say what?

What? What? Are?

We call them sex toys? We call them what toys?

Accessory? That's more pre dildos. You can say whatever you want.

I don't. I don't want to see a now. Dildos have always dildo. I tell you what. Dildo's have gotten a bad rap. There you go. Yeah, I mean because whenever I think of a dilda, I'm like, oh, that's that's disturbing. But a vibrator, I'm like, oh that's nice, that's interesting. But I'm just like, oh, I don't know, because it's a big fake penis. I remember once seeing a dildo under my one of my friend's beds uh in college, and I was just like, you dirty hoe.

It feels like you have some big feelings about this.

Well, I just again, you know, they make dilo's look like penises too. That's always seen. Do you not like penises? I mean I like, I think they're fine. Oh no, you think you can You can't corner me. I'm out.

You didn't get the three taps yet.

Hey, uh, penis envy? Do people bring up penis envy? Well?

I think a lot of people heard Freud talk about penis envy way back when. So there's there's a lot of mythology about penis env Do you ever just.

Tell your clients listen, this is how many inches you have to be for it to be a non issue.

No, because everyone's different. Everyone's anatomy is different, vaginas are different in length.

Are micro penis is a real thing?

Yeah?

How small can they be?

Micro? Like?

What is an actual micro penis? I mean they vary, but would two inches erect be considered a micro penis?

Possibly? I'd have to look at the exact specs on that.

I'd like to know what a micro penis. But what the cutoff is for a micro penis. It's like a little person, right, they have to be like under four to eleven or something. I don't know what the rule is. Is there any correlation between feet, hands, and penis.

There's different studies about that. I don't think there's anything conclusive, But recently I read that the one piece of anatomy that's most correlated to penis sizes actually.

Knows, meaning what like a larger nose, a larger penis, something like that.

I don't know if that's true. That's just something I read recently.

Huh, that's interesting. Can you get me into any of the eyes wide shut parties that are going on in Beverly Hills. I've got some connections you do, so you know they exist.

Yeah, there's lots of parties.

Do you go to those? Ever, I'm not going to tell you that. Okay, that's fair, but they exist. I never thought they existed, and now I'm being told they do, and now I'm being it's confirmation here that they do exist.

No, there's all kinds of fun parties, not just in LA.

You host those parties.

Different people, sometimes the organizations. Sometimes they're private parties.

Like an airbnb.

Oh, like, there's there's different companies that sex party is is their things?

What do they do to that the house? Though? I mean, it's just that's respectable. No, they're not.

Sometimes it depends on who hosts them and who goes.

Oh, I don't want to rent that house after them. You feel like, you know, like if you buy a house and somebody just died in the house, they have to let you know full disclosure. Yeah, I feel like if your house was used as a sex party, they should have to let you know why. I don't know, so that I can scrape up some ass blood.

I mean, I imagine that's been taken care of.

I've seen the forensic work that people do. You always there's always a drip somewhere.

Well, that could be true.

How do they let you know one of these sex parties is about to happen? They send out an evite?

What's sometimes? I mean it depends, right, Like some of the organizations that literally host these parties. Yeah, you get on their newsletter. They some of them are by invite only. Some of them you can apply to be accepted into.

Some of them, just like you have to have a plus one.

Every Every party is different, right, Some parties, No, you can come as a single person.

Yeah, Oh there's Tony. He's always here alone. This comes in glomen on my wife. Anytime I've been to a party in my life. I'm going to a party tomorrow night and I'm dreading it.

But it's a sex party.

Oh it's a birthday party anyway, But I just go and I just immediately my wife and I just she like, we just go to a corner and then I just keep saying, like every five minutes, you think it's cool if we leave. Now that that's how I envision how I would beat a sex party. Well, yeah, I got mine. How about you?

I mean, therapy could help with your social skills.

Percentage of clients that are there by themselves versus with a couple, Oh, it's so mixed.

I mean, our practice works with individuals and couples. Some specialize in one or the other. So we're pretty we're pretty even. I would say we're maybe fifty five percent individuals, forty five percent couples. Right now, some thrupples, some quads.

Quad and that's where you stop. You know what, I feel like the quads are trying to do what I feel like they're lying and they're just trying to get a better rate on their therapy by coming in all together.

You know what, I'm going to investigate that that's an interesting hypothesis.

Yes, just seems like they're trying to scam the system. Oh yeah, just just act like we all bone each other all right, here we go. Oh, I mean, honestly, you have these thrupples come in of course, and I pretend that they have like like, I know your problem. There's fucking three of you.

That's a problem at an opportunity for them. But listen, folks who are non monogamous have typically are better adjusted because they have to practice more communication, more proactive communication, and they have to really work at it. Like one relationship is hard, so if you add multiple relationships to the mix, balancing all those boundaries and negotiating things, yeah, it's complicated, but it can be great. I wouldn't call it nonsense.

Do you think humans are meant to be monogamous?

I think there's a huge spectrum and there isn't a right or wrong way. Let me give you a little history lesson Before the h I think it was the agricultural Revolution, we weren't monogamous as like a group, a cohesive group. There was a lot more community play happening,

There's a huge spectrum in that spectrum. Would you say that gay relationships are less monogamous than hetero relationships or not necessarily?

That's a really interesting question. I don't know the data on that, but I would say there's a huge spectrum of people in the queer community who prefer monogamy and non monogamy.

Well, I'm trying to get them on the hook for monogamy because I call the other stuff bullshit. If you just get to go out willy nilly, reilly nilly, there's a trade off you want to get married. It's like you have to suck it up and suffer, Daniel.

This is why people go to therapy, right.

Oh, to yell their stupid views. Do you have a therapist to unload on of course, Now are you allowed to just when you're in that environment just talk about all of your clients in a free form there.

Great question. So therapists can have therapists, and sometimes they might process some stuff that comes up for them from their work in their own therapy, but usually we have a separate space for that called supervision, where we consult with other therapists about our cases.

Specifically, is sex therapy covered by insurance?

Sometimes?

Do you take insurance?

No? Okay, but we do offer super bills and sliding scales.

Do you need it because you're usually hanging out with a bunch of elitists in Beverly Hills, now right, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, but yeah, our rates vary. We do what we do do though, because accessibility is really important to me. We have contracts with different schools to be a training site for therapists, so we offer low and no cost services with.

Our students, their students or students.

No, no, we train therapists students, and then to the folks out in the world they get really reasonable prices.

Are sex therapists considered sex workers?

That's a really interesting question. Some people treat us like sex workers.

What do you mean by that?

They want to come in and throw money at a problem and they want us to sort of like fix it for them or address it in that way. Some people, I don't know if they really don't know what we do or if this is a gross boundary violation, but they will try to engage in some kind of exhibitionism or you know, they'll do inappropriate thing.

I know what you're saying now.

Yeah, so that happens for sex therapists quite a bit.

You immediately report.

That, my practice does.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have to report someone because they told you they've done something awful. Yeah.

So in California, every state as mandated reporter requirements where we have to make reports, but it's really limited to things like someone saying they're going to hurt themselves or someone else. We have to report that. If someone tells us that they know of any emotional, physical, sexual, or financial abuse against someone under eighteen or over sixty five,

When you talk about pedophile stuff like that it's a sickness, right, would you say pedophilia is a sickness or no, I would say.

It's it's a pathology.

Yeah, well, it's just the one thing that if someone has no one, no one goes, oh, well they have a disease and there's no everybody's just like now fuck them. They burn at the steak.

Yeah. Look, humans love easy black and white categorizations, right, So we love to think of ourselves as good people and bad people. Yep, And that's just not the reality of life. Like, there's so many people out in the world who are really good people outward facing, and they're doing things at home that are really really abusive, really horrible. It's like, the most common data about perpetrators of sexual violence is that it's always, not always, but majority of

So I gotta get all the adults out of my kid's life, because I can rule myself out, I can rule my wife out. Other than that, I can't trust anyone. Wow, So no religious figures can go around my kids, the teachers. I don't know how to get around that one.

That's hard. Yeah, that's why it's not so easy to look at everyone as black and white. Good people, bad people.

Well I think all of them are bad. If they're looking at my kid.

They're doing really horrible things.

Yeah that's awful. Yeah, talk to me. Oh oh, we got to get into this. If you were called to provide your psychological expertise in the p Ditty case, what would your diagnosis be?

Oh, well, we can't provide diagnoses for people we've never evaluated.

I know, but let's just go for it. I mean, this is this fascinating, this case.

This is why I became a forensic psychologist.

Right.

You get to understand why people do the most malevolent and dark things that they do, and why do they so many different reasons. People's motivations vary, but usually when it comes to stuff like this, the motivation is power. It's wanting to have control, it's wanting to feel superior or feel protected in your superiority, and having a sense of power gives people that illusion of superiority and It gives them the illusion then of having some sort of safety in this world. Yeah.

I mean I believe you, and I'm I just you know, when you live long and if you realize there's every walk of life. Yeah, but when you're like, when you're living your life in a normal shell or what you perceive to be normal, and you see how other people act, I just can't. I just can't wrap my head around it.

Yeah, well, that's good, you're not a psychopath.

What's he called his little sex party? What were those the freak offs? And they went for a days? That's I don't care what you're into sexually, what I and I can wrap my head around. Oh, everybody's into different things, blah blah blah. Fine. What I can't wrap my head around is somebody's into it for three straight days. I mean, no matter what I'm into. After said climax, I'm no longer into it. I'm like, all right, let's get out of my house, guys.

But you're assuming it's about sexual pleasure, and it's not right. Sexual violence is not about sexual pleasure. It's about power. It's about being in control. So I can't speak to this case because I haven't investigated it. I don't know the details. I don't know the psyche.

Uh huh.

But when people do things like this, often they're not even masturbating, they're not even enjoying it in that way, or if they are, it's a short lived experience, and then they come back to, you know, kind of resting on this idea of I did this, this is my doing, and that gives them a sense of control. We've seen that with lots of kinds of situations where perpetrators are found to have hosted public events in a non consensual way.

Well, okay, I'm gonna get off this. But it's just so fresh right now in the news, like anytime something goes three days, Like whenever you're watching a movie and like a Jason Bourne movie, he's on the run, and it's like, well, when are you taking a nap? When do you go into the bathroom? P do you still have to go out in normal day activities? Like when was he checking emails? Like while all this nonsense is going on in the living room. Just the smell alone,

I don't want your dildo.

Oh you know that's funny that you say that. I was like going around my house like I don't have any sexy stuff to give it. But this, this is the last interview that I'm doing with this table.

Wow.

So I'm giving you this table. I don't know where you're gonna put it, but this table is now yours.

That is just so generous. Thank you.

So I need you to take this with you. Get your get your get my mug off your table. I have this candle to you. This is sensual amber. You're gonna love that candle. Well, thank you. That's your table, so I guess you can keep it on there. Thank you. What else do I have done here? Oh? This I wanted you to have? This is uh. I don't never I'm always paranoid to get rid of my old computers because there's probably stuff on there that I don't want.

That's that is very generous, all right?

Can you sit them on the floor your gifts. I'm excited for you to have these things. Thank you, You're welcome. Are you in a relationship currently? I am. How long have you been in a relationship?

H five years? Over five years?

Now, what's the longest you've ever been in a relationship this one? Look at that? You think you're going to go the distance? I don't know what that means. Thirty to forty more years?

Maybe we'll see.

Would you like that? Do you want to grow old with someone or no?

I think there's benefits to that for sure, and there are benefits to maybe not doing that. It all depends on the quality of the relationship that someone's in. If it's great, like yeah, why wouldn't you want to go the distance in that? But if it's something that isn't a good fit for one or both people, I don't recommend going the distance.

Just to say you went. I feel like it's just like a contest. Let's see if we can do it.

That's your motivation, go for it.

Do you have a safe word in your relationship? Sure you do? Yeah, okay, that's all I need to know.

I'm not going to tell you what it is, though.

Mine's called nine one one.

That's that's very safe. Total boner killer too.

I just scream, well, there's no there's only one boner in the room. And if I'm screaming, call nine one one, somebody better do it. Exactly where do you put sex in a relationship?

What?

What number is it? As like things that are the most important to you.

It's totally different based on the partners in every relationship. For some people that's like number one priority and that's fine. For other people it's like, it's nice, great, we'll do it when we want to, and it's maybe two, three, four, even fifth down in the rung of priorities, and that's okay, as long as there's cohesion between partners on how to prioritize sex.

Mine is mine? Is you usually number two? Okay? In the morning. By the evening it's it's down to like nine. I get that. Sometimes it spikes back back up to two or three, and then it just immediately drops again into the low teens. When when is h When is my sexual drive going to fall off a cliff? I'm forty nine right now. Do you have a general idea of when that should happen?

So, I mean for people with penises, it's usually when their testosterone starts to decrease. But now, everyone's baseline level of desire in libido is pretty different, So your normal might be somebody else's high desire or low desire today. So in five years or ten years.

You know, when you're talking to seventy year old? Do you ever talk to seventy year old?

Oh? Of course?

Are they still pleasure in themselves?

The men?

Yeah, they are, yeah, often? Yes? Did you you know what nightment? When do I get to stop?

Whenever you want?

Well, you know when do I? When do I want to stop?

Well, that's a different story.

I don't know, right, you said, seventy year olds are still sitting around yanking it.

You know, what's interesting is that there is such a high rate of STD occurrence in independent living communities and older communities because older people are people, and they're having lots of sex, and they don't have to be bothered by like the fears of pregnancy anymore.

So there's raw dogging it in the old folks home.

There's a lot of fun happening.

Yeah, disgusting the balls that must hang and swing in those communities, Jesus, just disturbing.

Well seeing here, you thought men's bodies didn't change much.

Now, balls, ears, and noses, they just keep going on men. It's just a horrific hmm. Well, you know that's neat that you talk to these old people and they're still disgusting.

Old people are beautifully sexual humans too.

What's the best way to go into a relationship if you want your sex life to thrive throughout?

Oh, with humility, right and curiosity? Sex is fun, right, Sex hopefully, it's great.

It can be sure, it's a time killer.

It's something to do. I'm worried about your wife, don't honesty.

That's fair, that's fair. Again, we're not talking about me, your friend's wife. That's right, thank you.

Yeah, So sex is great, and it can also be a landscape for all kinds of really complex emotions and really complex like social experiences. So I think there's a lot to parse out and a lot to consider when you think about how to go into a relationship to have great sex. You want to be curious, you want to be humble, you want to think about your intentions for being sexual, and you want to think about it

I don't do any of that. I just want to be attracted to the person. That's a start. That's it. I mean on all levels, not just a physical attraction. That's up there. Kate, thank you very much for being here. I'm going to figure everything out on my own.

I think you're doing a great job.

Okay, I appreciate it. Eddie, Yes, I got some big news. I want you to know that I'm an ally and I support your decision. No, Eddie, that's not it. This is going to affect all of us. The show Toss Show now has merch. Look at this, huh? I got my Carl's shirt on. Do you believe in ghost sweatshirts? Hats, t shirts? Oh my goodness, it's a small pointed rollout.