You get these these these weekly things, and I always just like, look your page. I'm like, holy shit, here goes the Chris Cortazo chapter. Let's see what your top one is currently right now. Seventy five million, or you can rent it for two hundred thousand a month. Oh, that's a steal. That is a steal. By the way, shut the it is two hundred thousands. I look at how many pages. You are. Good, God, you have so much real estate. Tasha Tosh Tosh Show Show. Welcome to
Toash Show. I'm Daniel and I'm a Tasha Hollick, Daniel Eddie. How are you? I'm good? How are you? Oh? Man? I tell you what I'm getting ready for the Civil War. I cannot wait. I don't know which side I'm gonna fight on yet. I'm undecided. I know who I voted for, but as far as the Civil War partner of this goes, I'm not sure. I'm not sure what side I'm gonna fight on. I might put a Trump sign in my front yard after the election and just hope that that, you know, lets people know to pass on by the
bubble I live in. Let me say something about this bubble too. Hey, we talk about Malibu a lot, and today is a very exciting day for me. Before I lived in Malibu in Los Angeles, I lived down in South Bay and that's like a little slice of Orange County in La County. I was living there when I started doing Tosh point zero. And then one night a girl came to my house knocked on the door. I didn't know who it was. I looked outside, I didn't know. But you know, the houses, they're all right next to
each other. I had a three bedroom, two bath home, a twenty five foot by one hundred foot lot. Give you an idea of this. You know, small land, they just put these tall, skinny homes right next to each other. Anyway, I'm at that house and I look out the window and I see this girl and she's got a bag of stuff. It's late at night. I have no idea
who it is, so I don't open it. And they eventually I call the police, and they say that she met me six years ago and said that I needed to be here on this night with these things in her bag. There. At that point they kind of stopped talking. They're like, listen, this this person is ish, you know, needs mental help. We'll get rid of her for you. And I'm like, okay. But at that point I was like,
oh I got a fucking move. And people always think Malibu's so expensive, but the reality is where I lived was expensive. Look at prices for homes in Manhattan Beach. It's ridiculous. So one day a friend of mine was like, Hey, I know this real estate agent, why don't you go look in Malibu. You like surfing, there's so much the waves are so much better up there. You know, I lived down in South here. There's some good left point breaks, but let's I'm a natural foot. I wanted to right
point breaks. Never you don't care about that anyway. So we start looking at Malibu. Next thing I know, I'm looking at an acre of property and I'm not talking about the cool area of Malibu right on the beach. I'm talking about further west and you know, the farm lands. And hey, you're all of a sudden you're getting a home with a guesthouse and a pool. And I'll be honest with you, it was like two million dollars ocean views. I'm like, this is incredible. Now, this is back in
two thousand and nine, maybe twenty ten. All of a sudden, I'm like, hold on, why don't I just build a house out here, Just get some old tear down that seems like a genius idea. And that's what I did, and that's how I ended up here. Now it was it a huge mistake. Absolutely took me eight years to build a house and then it burnt down. But whatever, you know, hindsight is twenty twenty. I'm here and I love the beach. Eddie he's still down to South Bay.
I miss him every day, but you know that's all right. His his kids are almost out of the house once. He's an empty nester. I'm sure him and his wife, you know, maybe they end up downsize and get a house boat. You know, come doc near my near. We spend more time together, play Monopoly, deal at night, maybe a rummy cub or uh. You know, what's the what's the game that I have to play a lot? Now, it's not it's like guess who, But it's not guess who.
You have to connect the words that are on the this Like you put these cards out and you have to like say one word and your partner has to guess what code names code names. Oh, I'm playing so much Code Names. Now, I kind of like it. I have a little thing that infuriates my wife. When we play Code Names, you're always allowed to guess one extra then if you haven't, if you during your turn, and I will always just guess one extra, just randomly, based
off nothing. I'll just point and pick another card, and you know, sometimes it's the Assassin and the game is over, right then it's just everybody's mad. But it's just a fun way to play the game. I always pick one extra. That's code Name. That's a free plug right there. Anyway, Code Names, I don't know if you're a sponsor, but you're sure as shit should be because you're part of my life at least once a week. Anyway, what are
we talking about? Oh, why I moved to Malibu? Okay, Well, today's guest the King of Malibu in my book, and I'm excited. Oh I've had a man crush on this guy for over fifteen years. Enjoy pusha. My guest today was the number one real estate agent in the world for over a decade. Now I didn't verify that, but if you have millions of dollars burning a hole in your pocket and are looking to purchase a tear down in Malle. Today's guest is your man. He's closed over
ten billion in sales. That's billion, working discreetly with more celebrities than a luxury addiction treatment center. And if you're wondering how we got him, well he lives and works down the street. For me, kindly take your shoes off at the door as I welcome into the Toss Show
open house. Chris Cortazo, Chris, Hello, Daniel. By the way, I always feel like real state agents lie is Maybe that's I don't lie, no, no, a lie about like, oh I was the number one, but you legitimately were the number one real estate agent in the world.
Well, I was with Cohal Banker for and for twelve years, I was number one out of ninety three thousand agents within the Colwall Banker family nationally and internationally.
I don't think it's ever, it doesn't matter. It's still such an absurd number. By the way, ten billion, it's a lot of work, seven days a week. I believe it. I know you read I see you, I see your car, I see you. By the way, who puts a fucking baby on board sticker on a goddamn rolls Royce. The fuck's wrong with you?
Gotta make it a little bit better so it's not so obnoxious.
You don't have to worry about it. Because I had on Chandler Parsons and he had his NBA basketball career destroyed when he was t boned in his Rolls Royce. But they said, had he not been in a Rolls Royce, he'd have been dead. Well, that's why I got it. It's so darn safe. Oh it's a tank. All right, let's get back on. He's a great guy. By the way, do you know Okay, have you sold him something? Yeah? A few things. Yeah, I love channel. Ah. Good for you, Chris,
God damn it. You have so many clients, and you do have to understand this. I don't have celebrities on my show, but you're my celebrity because your world is what I'm fascinated. I would never want to do what you do because I understand that you work constantly. I also understand that you have to be nice to everybody in the community, and everybody in the community is not a great person. So that blows my mind how you
pull that off. Everywhere you go, everybody comes up to you to talk and you're just always like you have to just be on and I don't know how you do. That's just maddening to me. It's a lot. After the end of the day, you're tired.
Oh that's why I love my rants property in northern Malibu because it's so silent and no one could get in and you're at peace.
Good for you.
I mean, you're although with a three to a five year old. I don't know how much peace there is now.
But honestly, how many hours are you working. You have to have slowed down a little bit because you have children now, But prior to that, let's say that.
That t like fourteen hours a day, every seven days a week. They would call me on Christmas time.
All right, my first question I ask all my guests. Do you believe in ghosts? Oh?
Yes, I saw one as a child. Oh sure, yes, at my grandma and great aunt's house. I was downstairs and he passed away in this room my great aunt's husband, and I woke up and literally screwed because I saw this whole floating ghost like thing coming towards me.
Wait, you said you woke up, Well, I was.
Awake and I saw this thing coming towards me. I screamed, would not go back in the room. My dad slept there.
The next night I saw the same thing. He was trying to make you feel good. Now, professionally realtors have to disclose if someone dies in a home. Is that because of some old law that we believe spirits are still in the house.
I don't know where that comes from, but I think it's if someone is not murdered or a suicide or.
Something like that.
I think it could be a beautiful thing if you die in your home, because you obviously love your home and that's where you want.
To leave your body. But why do I think that's could be a positive thing? Why do we have to disclose it? Because I think it's important for people to know.
People always ask if someone I said, oh, the seller passed away, they always ask, did they pass away in this home?
Well? I know, but I mean legally just tells me like that, that's basically saying that we believe there are spirits. Maybe, perhaps, maybe now I have to change my opinion. What was childhood like growing up in Malibu?
Absolutely heaven. There was no fences. We had big to kick the can games, and we'd all run through the canyons, all through these scooby trails, and it was just divine.
We'd walk to school. I walked my kid to school, I know, but by ourselves, Like we'd walk to school. Well, he's five, he barely can get there on his own, I know. But that was just a different time. Uh huh, are you going to be one of these people? Like when I was a kid, life was so much better?
No, I think it changes. Mean, my god, we didn't have a lot of money growing up, So I mean.
That confuses people. So you grew up in Malibu and you say you didn't have a lot of money. People don't realize that there are parts of Malibu that aren't just uber wealthy people. And back then it didn't necessarily mean uber wealthy no way.
My dad was a fireman. We cut out Q pons. We drove old Falcon station wagons because that's what we could afford.
We went out to.
Dinner maybe once every two months. My brother and I would split a root beer. We didn't have any extra funds.
What's your childhood home cost? My parents like, well, I mean just but.
They bought the land for eleven thousand dollars in nineteen sixty. My dad built our house in nineteen sixty six, the year I was born, and now it's probably worth twenty five thirty that's million million.
Yeah, yeah, not a bad investment. When did you come out at your family twenty seven? You were twenty seven years old? Yeah? Did they have any inclination?
They probably had an idea, But my parents are so cool. I was hanging out with her Brits. My mom was in Canada taking care of my beautiful grandmother.
Uh huh.
And she goes, Chris, I know herb's a gay man, and you're spending a lot of time with him. And I said, I'm enjoying myself and I find him fascinating. They said, as long as you're happy, we're happy. I mean, that's the way it should be.
Well, of course, but I mean, but it wasn't until twenty seven or were you hiding it?
I think there's always curiosity. But I had the most beautiful, tacular girlfriends. I was engaged to this gorgeous Australian girl and I had a great life. But it was interesting. I was with her and I saw these two guys holding hands on the street in Oxford Street and Sydney, Australia, and I was like, eh, but I thought, you know what, Chris Cortazo is not a lie.
You can't live this life as a lie.
And then herb was my I dialley delayed with men before, but then that was my first open relationship and that hit Malburn by a storm because I was a beach lifeguard, had all these great girlfriends and that don't forget that was like ninety two. That was a different error. Well here's what I mean.
It was crazy. I'm so curious about I always stood up to what I believe in. I read an article that you were featured in decade ago, because I knew you as a gay man, very successful real estate agent to the stars. But there's something in the article that struck me, and it was like your support of your mother your whole life. She was just like, let you do whatever you wanted. It just supported you. And I
was like, oh, that's amazing. But in my head I had pictured you out much younger, and I was curious as someone who grew up in a horrible, poor Florida town, and I was like, Oh, I wonder how different it is growing up in Malibu. Were people open then? But you're saying no, not so.
Much, and all my friends and it was like, Cortazo is gay, and I was like, I'm traveling the world with Cindy Crawford and you know, Claudia Scheffer, and every day with herb was a different, incredible experience.
So you've had sex with women? Oh yeah, lots? Yeah. Do you remember the last time you had sex? You had sex with woman? Yes, the very last time. You can remember it vividly. How long ago was it? Probably three weeks ago. I'm cidous so mad. Oh by the way, so what you were a life guard? I knew you were life guard as what other jobs did you have before we came? I was a massage therapist, oh sax.
Yeah, which it makes sense though, because I'm such a like I'm always hugging and I'm just an outgoing guy and.
You still give a good rub if you need to. Yeah, whatever it takes. Oh. Clients are asking, Okay, how'd you get into real estate in the first place?
I was working with her Brits and he was shooting every celebrity in every wealthy person at the time, and on the shoots they say, oh, you're born and raised in Malibu, and I say yes, and they say where should I buy? And I say, well, what are you looking for? Because I know every aspect of Malibu. After that, I started putting two and two together and I was like, you're gonna sell real estate.
And my first sale was Richard Gear. Your first sale was to Richard Gear.
Five million at the time, which probably today is like a seventy five million dollar sale.
Geez. Yeah that Richard up to these days, he's remarried. Good for him. Yeah, I can't wait to get remarried. How uh uh the real estate exam? How often you have to take it? Just one time? Yeah, but then you have to do refresher courses. How'd you do on your exam? First? Failed it three times? Disaster disaster, Yet yet all these girls that retire from bottle service at nightclubs tend to breeze through it.
No, I panic a multiple choice tests, good for you, there's always two and I picked the wrong one.
So you failed three times. You became an agent, and then I never gave up. I never I don't give up on anything you sell outside of Malibiah. Of course.
I have something on the palisades for thirty seven million on a Malfie amazing house, celebrity owned house, and I just got the list in. I sold properties all over.
Okay, but la la okay? So la is is how far you don't get on an Orange County at all? No? No, no, no, you ever fuck with duplexes. That's just a fun thing to say. I don't. We don't have any do. What's the fastest you've ever like, somebody has walked in and bought and closed a house? Can you like turn turn around, like no contingencies, here's the money.
Cash because that's so dangerous because you have to review the title report.
Okay, but so what's the fastest you've ever done? A week? Yeah? A week? I would say, I'm going to read tell the story. I wanted to go into your house, and you let my wife and I walk around your house, and then just casually when we were leaving, you like, i'll sell it to you for twenty two. This is a decade ago. Really, that's why you said, you go, do you want it? I'll sell it to you for twenty two? And I was like, where did you even come up with that number?
You should have bought it then, because now I want thirty seven.
No, no, I couldn't have. I didn't want it. By the way, I do a lot of naked women African women art in your pa.
I love Africa. It's my one of my favorite places to travel to. I have a really good photography collection.
Yeah, that's pretty. But you noticed that everything is like lines and shape, and I didn't notice that. I don't have a great eye for that stuff. But what I did notice is that it was beautiful. And then I noticed that a lot of your frames had like necklaces draped over them. Yeah.
Everywhere I travel in Africa or wherever, I get necklaces and I put it all over the picture frames.
Good memory. I'm very impressed. So you have a memory too, Yeah, but it mine's useless. You know, it's meant for stupid stuff. How many NDAs have you had a signe in your life? Hundreds? You've just seen horrible shit, too, haven't you. You see it all. What's the least expensive piece of real estate you've ever sold?
Probably seven hundred thousands, maybe.
Seven thousand, that's the least expensive. All right, I would say, when's the last time you've had to open up a whole house and do all the turning all the lights on, opening the doors. Do you do any of that stuff anymore?
Is that usually? No, nothing's been leave me. I will pick up a leaf, a trash on the cigarette, butt on pch. I will do whatever it takes. The same guy. I'm not above anything.
Whatever it takes. You do those dumb open houses you don't ever have like you don't do open houses.
But the great thing is with my staff because I have so much of the inventory and Malabu. They all prepare because usually if someone's coming in, they're going to see the whole series from one under malby the next and all my assistants are going ahead and prepare the next house. So I don't usually go in and prepare a house because time is so Forget that.
But do you have a party, like do you do that type of thing? No? No, no, no, no no no, just show the house. I just show the house, food, drinks, none of that no good for you, you know what I mean?
If agents are coming to get free food, they're not going to be selling the house. Like we don't have time. Top agents are We're busy? How big is your team now?
Sixteen maybe fourteen to sixteen? Are you rarely at your open houses or is it just your your team now? Not on weekends. I don't do that.
But if the client wants open houses, all my assistants are there doing that. There all licensed, amazing qualified, a lot of them born and raised in Malibu.
Is there heavy turnover? I mean, because are they always looking like don't they want to be the next Chris Cortazo or no? Are they happy being on a great team.
I had one assistant, such a great guy, and he looked at me with all what I've created financially and everything. He goes, I would never want to be you, because no one wants to put in the hours or the stress.
So there you go. I don't want to be you, but I like to see you. I don't even want to be be right now. I work too hard. I watched you one time. I was in one of my neighbor's houses that was for sale and I watch it just had come on the market, and I watched you preview it. I've never seen a human walk through a house so quickly, just like like Jake, take an inventory of what it was. I got it thanks out. That's just what you do.
I'm like an elephant when it comes to a house, floor plans, everything.
I just need to see it real quick and I'm done. What about your math? Are you one of those wizards with math where I tell you it's eight thousand square feet and I want twenty five million. What's that per square foot? You know what?
Per square foot? In Malibu is almost impossible. Okay, you can't do it.
It doesn't matter.
It's really hard because one property could have a view, one could be on the bluff, one could be on the other side.
There's just it's too hard that one bedroom on cliff side. Do you sell it for fifteen million? I did. Good for you, Yeah, fifteen million one bedroom. Now it's for rent as a two bedroom. Good for them for putting a wall up.
I love it when I go against other people and they said you could never You'll never get this price. I've changed the price points in Malibu. Sorry for buyers, but I've really raised prices in Malibu because I believe so strongly in that.
You explain to me, the whole world is focused now in this lawsuit that has changed the game for agents. Give me a brief rundown of what happens now. It used to be the seller would all the house and that they would put up three percent or six percent that you would split between. Yeah, it's five or six percent. Okay, And now it's the same thing.
But you cannot list the compensation for the buyer's agent and the multiple listening service. But the agent's call and say is our compensation for me? I say, all my listings have compensation, and this is what it is.
So it's business as usual. Should we negotiate with agents when we're selling a house? Should we say, hey, can I get a deal? Why? I don't know. I don't. That's horrible. Are people trying to save money? It's a horrible idea. Doesn't Doesn't it change with like now that everybody has their smartphones and they can look up everything on their own.
No, But there's so much more to selling real estate than just that. You want proper representation and you want to be educated on the market. You just can't come in the Malibu.
You don't have to sell me on this. No, I'm just saying. I I'm just going to say because because so many times, especially in this area, so many houses are off market and people don't even know about them. They're not on the eye. No, but that's why I have a lot of pocket lists? How many pocket listings do you have a lot? Do some of these Malalabamians do? They hate you?
They love me because when they want to sell it, there's delight.
Listen. I have a neighbor that I would do anything if you could pull it off to make them sell and leave. Oh, we have such an awful relationship. Wow, that's too bad. It's just horrible. They won't even look me in the eye. My kids will walk by the you know what I think you're talking about? My aunt? Oh? Is it really your aunt? I would love it. I would well if I could find an end to bridge the gap. I've tried so many times to be like I go to bed at nine o'clock. I'm like a
dream neighbor. But they're just one of these people that calls the city every fucking day for something in the neighborhood, not just me. That's too bad. Do you ever advertise on a shopping cart in pavilions?
Never does that even work? I have no idea. Would you die if you saw my name?
I think it's fun. I think I might just do it for you. I like it. How Frome real estate ads always have to have the ruler's face on it.
Well, I think you want the facial recognition. But now I'm malibi. I know most people.
So you have a handyman. That's amazing. I need a recommendation, like just a guy that can do anything and we get it done. I need a great hand ask me for anything. I know all that I know. Well, that's what I just asked you. Right now, I don't have my phone. Fine, I turned it off. Here's here's this is what I want to do at the end of this. I want you to turn your phone on and I want you to tell me how many text and phone calls you missed in the length of this interview. Oh,
it's going to be it's going to be huge. Now you're making me nervous. It's so stressful. I know what you do. It's so stressful. You go to the bathroom in your listings a lot, pete poop. You pooped. You've never pooped in your listings.
I would rather kill myself. Well, such an extreme no, No, that's so private for me.
All right, Well, then you've got an amazing bowel control. But where do you draw the line? Because you're allowed to use the bathroom of course, I know I have. I had sex and one of your Are you allowed to? No? Why are you not allowed to have sex in their bad You're allowed to use their bathroom? Why can't you use their bed? What's the best way to lowball? It depends on the market.
If it's a tough market, what you might consider a low ball might be accepted.
You don't know is writing a letter worth it or no? Yes, I just tried it. Wrote a letter and put in a low ball on a property up in Tahoe and they're like, yeah, we got a higher offer, thank you.
I think it helps. I wrote a letter when I bought my place in Tennessee. Mm hmmm, And there was two graves on the property from the previous owners, and I wrote a beautiful letter saying I'd be honored that they would be there, to be the guardians of blah blah blah blah.
And I really meant it. And every time I go.
There, their graves are there, and I go, we put flowers beside them and honor them.
You don't yell at your staff. Why haven't you dug these up yet? Is there a Rolex watch down there? What if there was? Oh man, I couldn't resist. How many properties do you own? You say that number. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. A lot, over a dozen? Oh yeah, over fifty, now under fifty, over a dozen, that's fair. Yeah. How many outside of the state I can see your fingers five? Okay? How many acres in Tennessee? One hundred and fifty? And do
you know what it's called. It's so great.
Obviously my name's Christopher her and it's one hundred acre woods after Winnie the Pooh.
Oh, that's cute. Isn't that great? I like it? I love it. I love Winnie the Pooh. Have you ever been to Dollywood? You've got to go. It's so great. Ever bring your kids, they'll freak. It's so fun. Isn't Dolly the best? Oh? She's great.
I have a Dolly sort. When I was with herban she ordered like mashed potatoes and mac and cheese, and she just would take a bite of each, so she got to enjoy it. But when we eat the rest, I mean, that's she's fabulous.
Oh, that's really funny. She still gets to enjoy it. She's got a figure to watch. You have tons of celebrity clients almost exclusively. Now where would I fall on the celebrity scale.
You're kind of a fascinating person to me because I never thought you actually liked me, so you were kind of like larger than life to me. I guess there's a little insecurity on my side. So I think you're like supersed celebrity because you're kind of like this anomally to me.
Wait, do you see super C supersed? Oh that's way better than a super sed.
Yeah, maybe a C minus. So I was really touched that you wanted me to be on the show because I never thought you liked me, So you kind of like you're a little beyond celebrity to me, that's nonsense, but you're not nonsense.
That just means I'm so that I putting off negative energy, which is which I've been accused. No, but I know for you to feel no, it's a cool factor. Oh, brother,
it is. There's somewhat of a cool factor there. Well, christ I'm glad we put that to rest because people sometimes when they see a celebrity, they recognize them and they kind of like are nervous and so they won't talk to them or they just like, oh, I'm gonna give them their space and let me do the thing you When people see you, everyone almost feels entitled to go talk to you. And that's where I'm like, oh, it's.
Even with my earbuds in, they still will just wait around for me to hang out my call.
No I I watch it from afar. I think that's also what I find fascinating because I'm like, I just couldn't imagine having to be on that much. But that's only But the great thing is is Malibu.
So if I go to Tennessee or wherever I go, no one knows whore I'm at.
I'm gonna change that because they got a huge following outside of Chattanooga. But do you get noticed when you go out of me? Yes? Yeah, but not like by the people I want to be noticed. It's us like some weirdo that's bagging my groceries, going what's up, gosh, and I'm like, all right, here we go Malibu. I used to say twenty six miles, Now it's twenty three miles.
I don't give a shit of why that changed. But the danger of the highway of people getting killed, there's always signs like sixty one people since twenty ten or something. I don't know. Way do you have a way to fix the PCH to make it safer. I don't know how to do it. I do how The thing is, it's a highway, okay, and the city is a tourist destination,
so you have the two don't go together. So you just have to say, well, if we actually care about people dying on the PC, if we really want to stop it, then we can't have fifty five mile an hour zones anywhere, and you can't allow parking anywhere. People slamming on their brakes to back into a spot is absurd on a highway. I mean, imagine driving now a highway and somebody in front of you is going backwards towards you. That's obscene.
So you have to well, especially the summer traffic, is you have to eliminate beyond crazy.
You can't allow people to park on the side of the highway, and you have to lower the speed limit to thirty five and just be like fuck it if you want people to not die.
I know, but can you imagine going thirty miles an hour to Santa Monica.
We would all I kill themselves because you and I are the only geniuses that figured out living here and working here is the right mood. All these people that commute.
Thirty thirty miles per hour, Oh my goody god, that would be shocking. All right, Well, now then you would have road rates and it would be like millions more.
I don't get road rage. I used to, and now I don't. Do. You want to know how I eliminated it. How? I just assume that everybody that's that's driving around me that's frantic, is about to shit themselves and they have to get somewhere. So I'm like, let them go. Don't what happens when you have to go pee in the car? Do you bring a cup?
No?
What this is? Cup? I can pee. I can just go outside of my car. I have a question for you. Can I ask you a few questions? Yeah? Ask me anything, Chris? Where would you live beside Malibi? I think I have to go. I don't know, south of France on the coast Atlantic coast, right. Maybe I have to be able to surf. My whole fucking life has been ruined by surfing. I could live in Mexico, could you? Probably? I could not with my wife. That's I don't know. I love
the mountains too. Yeah, I live in Tahoe a lot. Do you have a home up there too? What's your favorite holiday? Christmas? That's why I live in Tahoe because I feel like I'm in a Hallmark Christmas movie. Isn't it the greatest? Huh? But I have to being cold because I grew up in Florida, So I if I'm not near snow, I feel like this isn't real Christmas. Where are you going to be for Thanksgiving? Hawaii Maui? I have to work. Oh you do great shows? Tickets
still available? When's the next housing crash coming? It's coming right? You know what? Though?
I think people I think Malibu is such a good investment because town there's a lot more crime in town. I just feel that Malibi. I don't know if we're gonna have a crash. It's slowed down for sure. I think everyone's apprehensive.
You think it's completely bulletproof wild?
No, No, I mean an earthquake could be monumental, a bad one.
Where were you at the earthquake? Living room? My living room, sort of watch it feeling it just recently, Oh, here we go.
I know my kids in my arm and I was like he goes Papa, and I go, oh, we're dancing.
He goes, not funny, Papa. Oh he got scared, terrified. My kid didn't get scared. Didn't really, No, he did not like it. But then, you know, you get all those alerts on the phone during I got the alert during the shaking. I'm like, this is you. It was planned for sure. No, no, oh, you're a big conspiracy nut? Are conspiracy love? I go down every rabbit? How you handling the knucklehead? Cheryl Hines's husband endorsing I love Bobby Kennedy. Yeah,
endorsing Trump. I think he's amazing. Oh you're nuts. I sold them three homes. I'm sure it doesn't matter if you sold him a home, it doesn't matter. I like him. I think he's a great guy. I think he's nice too, But I know that he's a knucklehead. There's two things. And I did you where'd you get knucklehead from? I don't know. It's just a nice way of saying of fucking lunatic. You used to have and I don't know if you still do, but I used to take pride that I did, in fact get a few invites. The
most popular Halloween parties. Now was it debauchery? Was it sex? I always assumed it was sex. No, was it sexy? Sexy?
I had the go go dancers from the abbey, the guy, the hottest guys, the hottest girls.
But it was hard to get into this party. I mean you had to be invited, for sure, you had to be invited. However, at the end it was like five hundred and fifty people. It was.
I have to say it was the party in Malibu.
But I just I got too concerned with liability.
Even though we had limos taking people back in Malibu. We did everything we could. I just didn't want the responsibility.
You stopped, Yeah, how long did you stop? A couple of years ago? They were brilliant. I knew they were. I used to. I used to even say, like, and you're like, oh, i'll make sure you have your email, I'll make sure you're invited. I was like, good, but I wouldn't go. But I just liked, why don't you want to go? I don't do things. I never shy. What's the shy? Yeah, yeah, I'm shy. No, you're not in social situations, are you shy? I don't. I don't.
I don't like to go out. The only thing that's broken me out of my shell is having stupid kids. It's like, now I'm forced to hang out with all my wife's friends husbands, and I have to act like, oh, yeah, all right, this is a good time. How old are your kids now? Five and one and a half? What are you five? Three and five? Oh my god, I were going to be forced to hang out with each other? Probably? I mean, I see you at the farm. Yeah, I know.
Those are those things that I do. That's what my life has been reduced to, Jesus the farm.
No.
You, by the way, are you happy with your current situation of you have two children? Uh? And and you're not co parenting with anyone. No, I might have my own journey, which I love if I could somehow void out. The problem is my wife is so much smarter than me, so I love that the kids are getting that perspective. Who's more strict me? And know I'm pretty strict. What's your help situation? Because I've counted at least three nannies? Uh in your world? Is there more? No?
I'm like, I don't lie, I don't lie. We have revolving on the weekends. I have two now, help because all of a sudden I could get called.
In the work and I'm running. I understand that the complexity of not wanting to be with your kids. I actually really want to be with them the whole time. That's good, all right. But anyway, so the numbers between two right now. But I get them. My children they sleep in my bed every night, and that's not good. You gotta get them out of you. They have their own room.
No, uh, totally different parting. No, so they're in bed. So I have them from eight to eight every night, right in my arms, sandwiched.
Eight to eight. But what about the other what about the other twelve hours? You see them? Then? Oh?
Yeah, you know they come home and I'm doing drop offs or pickup from school.
Your kids go to probably some fancy, fancy private school. Now my kids, oh public, I love it.
No, they're in preschool. So they're in preschool. But they will go to a public school.
Oh they will? Oh god, yeah, good for you. Yeah see that coming, Chris, Are you kidding me? I'm homegrown Maliban? Oh fuck off? Seriously. I mean I would love right now for you to be straight up honest and tell me the exact number that you're worth, because I bet it's fucking huge. God damn it, it's huge. But you know it's so weird. I don't.
It's I just didn't come from money, so I don't feel like I ever have it.
Like it's bizarre and you'll buy real estate, but you don't. You're kind of frugal when it comes to just like other rand. You know what I want.
I tell my business matter, can I please have a hot and cold plunge bowl outside my ball house? He's like, it's not in the budget right now.
Like, oh, what kind of business manager? Do you have?
A smart one? Because we have so many properties, there's a lot of expenses. But I still value money and I can't believe I can buy an isolate lot every day from Cafe Lapplause, which is like ten dollars worth.
The tip you tip, You always hit tip on the on the iPad screen always, no matter what you've purchased. They hand you a muffin and you just you give them an extra buck fifty. I call it in, I say, I always add twenty percent. I do too. I call it in too and say add the tip. Yeah, I tip everywhere I do too. I can't. That's the one thing I do. You tip it a housekeeping and hotels? Oh yeah, and I write a note, You write a note? Yes, oh you one? Uf me so bad? No, you have good Just.
Say I so appreciate how beautiful the room is and how the blessed day.
I don't do the blessed day. Okay, yes, you get an air pod coming out of your pocket? You got an air pod coming out of your pocket? There, he goes, it's not even it was. It's a cold cord. You know why it's a cord because he's fucking a conspiracy nut believes the bluetooth is doing radiation? Are you kidding? I wouldn't touch that for nothing. Oh man, I love the You're as crazy as you are. I'm a nutter. Everybody that's been on uh that's been on this show.
And I know you're a huge fan because you watched one episode as you were a huge preview in a house today, I give them a gift, just something from my house. It's it's just literally my way of getting rid of stuff. And to give you stuff is the best because I know you won't take it, but I'm still going to give it to you. So this I didn't want anymore. It's free kids, it's a city. It's a rug that goes in your kids room. And then
this is great. They get in the playroom, they can learn about which areas just they should live in, and you can like defund the police and certain I don't know whatever what they want to do. But I get rid of this. This is out of my house now, I'm so sick of it. So that's going to be for your kids. There is really this is all my beach keys that I that I kept over the years. That is it's actually spectacular. So now we have the fobs. I know, but the old days he had the beach
keys to get down to the beach. Now I want people to know it's in Malibu. There's certain areas where beaches the beaches are not private, but maybe maybe the easeman to get down to the beach is private and it's harder to get to yes, especially at high tides, possibly impossible. Now what value did beach keys give to houses? I would say today million and a half to two million dollars per key. Look at that we might just be able to retire. Get this off my desk, I'll
push this down over there. Yeah, it's fine, just shove it off. It'll be fine, okay, but that that needs to go to But don't I don't want to shove it off. If you set that down at your gift, yes you're gonna I'm gonna carry that home for you, all right. I want to talk about reality television because I do love watching it. I saw you occasionally pop up on Million Dollar Listing. I'm guessing that those people
have approached you in the past. Is it bullshit? Are they producing the numbers they're saying they're producing or is it just eye candy? The shows, I.
Think the shows are really entertaining, although I didn't never watch them. I don't even watch myself.
Do these things. You're telling me that you've never watched Selling Sunset, Oh you got to watch it. Really, it's just absurd. First ever, I've never watched it. Selling Sunset's barely about real estate. It's just about these outfits, these wardrobes that they wear. That's just so ridiculous, and it's just drama. So you don't want to do a reality show about Chris Cortazo. I don't have time, I know, But what if they said we would work around your schedule.
You can't. You have to do it like three days a week. Fine, what if they said, we'll do it two days a week. You think Kim Kardashian doesn't control Maybe one day, Maybe one day. I'd rather make the money. What's the hardest part for you?
I love being a papa and I love like I want to spend like twenty four hours a day with them.
Well, then I mean, excuse me for being blunt. Then fucking do it. I'm trying. I'm trying to sell some of my holdings. You don't. I'm making the moves. Are you prepared to stop being the version of yourself that yours? You are? Yeah? Are you? Are you? Are you comfortable completely walking away from it? Oh? Good for you? Yeah. People say that me, like, I, oh, you couldn't stop doing comedy. I'm like, oh, yes I could. I could. I could stop everything. You know, We've done it. Look
at your career. It's amazing. At it. It's amazing. From from Florida trash to Malibu. All right, Chris, turn on your phone, tell me how many calls you've missed, and thank you very much for being here. Thank you? Okay, Best friends, forever. Yes, all right, let's see let's see this. I want to see this number. Oh, look at this, here's a perfect thing. Chris comes over here with two phones. That's how you. Oh my god, make card you have in the back of that thing. Jesus, I just saw
a fifty one and sixty one text. Is it going up? Sixty four? Sixty four? Holy shit, Chris, it's it's a shocker. That's fucking shock ninety six on that one. This is my life now, you know my life for Chris Corton. No, I knew it. I knew it before. It is I talk whatever I picked comedy, you picked fucking selling billionaires, fucking crazy homes. It's your problem, Pasha. I want to thank Chris for being on the show. Ah, I mean
talk about are Rags to riches story. Although the rags weren't like complete rags, it's still you know, Malibu life, but I mean, good grief. I know it's infuriating for some people to listen to it, but I just love them. I mean just so excited. I just love I just love how he was like, Oh what am I gonna do with my life? Oh? Maybe I'll become a real estate agent. Oh maybe I'll become the best real estate agent in the world. That's fascinating. How in the world
does that happen? Pretty good? Huh. People talk about the American dream being dead. I say, nay, nay, not dead alive, And well, yeah, I'm sure Chris is a conspiracy nut. But you know, put that aside. You guy's just delightful to be around. Eddie. You still hyped up back there? Not really? No, you know what, you need a Toss Show T shirt? Huh No, it's just the thing throwing a T shirt to somebody that used to get people so excited. But you know it's been a while, the
T shirt canon. How long has that been out? Twenty years? They need to up their game. You know you want me to scream a T shirt's not going to do it. You throw a shack at my way and I'll fucking stand and cheer the entire fourth quarter. That's a fact. By the way, Head on over now to tossshowstore dot com and get yourself some fresh new merch. Every purchase comes with a couple of tickles. That's a pretty good deal. You know what else I want to plug? This is exciting?
Uh?
Did you guys. See Tony who fixed my Subaru three sixty sandbar, a little minivan thing. He did an episode on it. It's available. You go check it out on his YouTube channel called Stay Tuned. I think it came out a few weeks ago, but I watched it because it was about my van. I think they all made fun of my van. I knew they would. They were curious how I get into that thing. It's tricky, it's not easy, but I can get in. You slouch a little bit. You can. You know, you don't have to
sit up straight. He slouch like this, You lean over, You do your drive. I'm not I'm not. I'm not doing road trips. I'm just going around the neighborhood and honking at people. Anyway. What other plugs go boyswarpink dot com Check that out. Eddiegosling dot com check out his tour dates. Daniel Tosh dot com check out my tour dates. Come see Carl and I. We're gonna be in New Orleans. We're gonna in Hawaii, We're gonna be in Reno, We're gonna be in Washington. I'm gonna do a whole big
tour next year. Buddy, you ready for that gas up the bus. Now it's time for free plug. Hit the music. Damn you hear that kind of music? You gotta flash your tits all right? The free plug today. If you own a sword made out of a pool noodle and are in Georgetown, Texas, November two and third, head down to Reunion Ranch located at eight five zero Country Road two five five for a larpfest. The amassing whether a
valiant hero or a powerful villain. Participants will immerse themselves in a post apocalyptic scenario as they act out the roles of their chosen characters. I'm surprised that the tickets. I'm surprised there's tickets period, to be honest with you, but you can you don't have to dress up. I guess you can just go to watch their Spectator passes for twenty four to fifty tickets can go all the way to three hundred dollars. If you want to be a main character, what the fuck you get? All right?
So you just get you can just pay to be the star of the festival. And it sounds like I love it, all right, I don't know, I'm not shitting on it. I'm sorry. Three hundred dollars for anyone wants to be a main character or attend the VIP pre party. You know those nerds get there early too. If this seems like something you'd want to do with your weekend and fucking I have no idea why, head over to larpfest dot net. Yeahh shame on you, guy who is squatting on larpfest dot com. I got a gold mind here.
Never give it up. Head on over to larpfest dot net for more information. What more information you need? You dress up, you head on down to Georgetown, Texas, and you have the best weekend of your life. Is November two third a weekend? Yes it is? Oh good? Good for them? No, that'd be fun, that's good, clean fun. I almost sent my son to a private school, and when they were giving us the tour of this private school, they're like, you know, we were we do LARPing on Thursday.
And I was like, oh yeah, I'm just gonna send him to public school. Way better than this fucking nonsense. See you next week.