My New Year’s Resolution

Hey, are you flushing? What are you flushed in the toilet? Why is my septic constantly breaking down there?

You'll have to ask Tammy that one.

All right, toshha, Tosh, shut up, Tosh Show Show.

Welcome to the final installment of Toss Show twenty twenty four. Man, that was a great year twenty four twenty twenty five.

Wow. I can only imagine how great things are gonna get next year.

You excited?

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think.

I like it. Oh, man a I paid up the other day. Oh my father in law, I lost to bet. You may remember on the show, how is Gator football looking this year?

We're gonna do good this year. No, you're not, Yes, we are. You won't finish five hundred? Yes we will? How much? One hundred?

Okay, you're on.

He said that Florida was gonna have a great year, and I said they were gonna be garbage. We agreed that six and six was a push. They won their last three games. Now they're playing in some meaningless bowl. Anyway, he won. I gave him a hundred bucks. I said, Oh, congratulations on being mediocre. He's like, oh, it's gonna be great. Yeah, Billy Napier for another year. Anyway, Greg won, Oh, he won. Kept talking about how great their draft class is gonna be.

It's twelfth.

Before we won those last three games, we were forty fourth. Now we're twelve. Let's see. Let's see if he answers his phone answer, Let's see what happens here.

Hold, I'm gonna call.

This, yes, sir, hey, uh uh I paid up on my bet?

Correct?

Yes you did?

Oh and you and you're you're living high in the hog. What bowl game are you guys going.

To be in?

It looks like the Gator Bowl.

Congratulations on the Gators making the shitty Who gives a fuck?

Gator Bowl?

What about one hundred bucks on that one?

Who are they playing Syracuse? Yeah, I'll bet one hundred bucks.

I'll give you a chance to win your money back.

Then I want to go. Then I want to go triple or nothing on?

Uh on next year getting a better record than seven and five.

Okay, I'm up for that. It'll happen.

Oh you think it will definitely happen. Oh yeah, you think all those You think Texas, Georgia, Alabama, all those programs are gonna slip.

No, we're just going to play normal Gator football again. No, indeed, in DJ, we.

Trust your head coach is garbage.

We love Billy? Do you fine?

You love Billy?

Do you love No?

Yeah, I'm being corrected here. Yeah, that's the that's.

You love Billy. You love Billy because he lost five times this year. That that is how far you have fallen.

Exactly. If we win the bowl game, he'll be nineteen and nineteen since he's been there.

No head coach should be paid money to be five hundred.

Eight million a year.

Eight million a year, that's what he gets. That's interesting, all right, all right, we'll go double nothing in the bowl game. All right, Hey are you flushing? What are you flushed in the toilet? Why is my septic constantly breaking down there?

You'll have to ask Tammy that one.

All right. I don't know what he is.

Seriously though, every week something's wrong with the septic system just in their little guest house. He says, he's only putting toilet paper in the toilet.

I don't know. My grinder's getting destroyed. That's such a gross word. Well, I don't know.

That's you know the sub pump that. Yeah, I don't know what he's doing. There's floats in there. Alarms are going off every day. I'm having to run out to the guesthouse, shut alarms off.

What are you doing in there? I've just did nothing. I think he's just got too much fiber in his diet. Eddie. Got any New Year's resolutions? Nope? Good, I only have one.

I make one, the same one every year, don't shit yourself, And then every year I am disappointed. But this year, m it's gonna be my year. By the way, I'm not alone. Enjoy Pasha. On the count of three, we both tell say how many times we've shit our pants as an adult? Okay, one, two, three, thirty too many?

I'm thirty. Probably i've shipped my pants a lot.

Too.

Really, Oh my god, I really think I have a problem.

I should talk to a doctor about it.

What do you do uh when you're performing? Uh? Like like, has it ever happened? Broadway?

Like you're like, oh, no, One time I took a pee break on in the middle of a scene in the show once because I had to.

I'm not talking about peek about diarrhea.

Oh, I never have to ship on stage for some reason.

We're talking about I thought you said you ship your pants.

Yeah, just in daily life though.

Right, But well, your stomach doesn't get upset and nervous before a performance ever, and you have to like empty everything out.

Not that way.

Oh good for you. You know you're not living my life at all.

I've been on I've been on a toilet, just exploding, and I hear them introducing me and I'm like, well, I'm not coming.

That's devastating. So what do you do?

Just let them deal with whatever they got to deal with out there.

Show must go on.

No it doesn't. The show doesn't go on.

The show doesn't happen show.

The show waits until I'm finished, right, And then and then I get out there, I'm like, oh, yeah, I was in the back.

It's cocaine.

And they all laugh, Oh the cokeshits. No I don't.

I don't do cocaine, and I just say something stupid to move on. All right, But it's okay, But you've crapped yourself.

That's good.

When I text you that I have to then I'm we're gonna go surfing, but I have to poop first.

How long does that mean, well, you spend a little time in there on the chair. How long? Yeah?

Well, well you go a few times a day because I feel like every time I takes to you poop.

No before I surf, I make sure I poop because I have to go at least twenty minutes.

Fair enough.

I've never been actually diagnosed with IBS, but I've shipped myself way more than I ever want to admit.

So I need a schedule. I need to know what my day is going to be like.

Not only was that not your second desert the day?

Did you have dessert at lunch?

Well?

I have dessert after each meal. Do you think that's why you shit your pants so much? Yeah?

Like I remember when I was moving to Balbu and you were like, all right, so like here's the things you need to know, like this is where you go eat? And then you were like, and when you're on pH and if you.

Got to go to the bathroom. All the porta potties are on the ocean.

Rather, they're on the ocean side every every about almost every half mile, you can get a part man that one near winding trail which is on the other side. Happened to me, Thank god, it was opened at this hour one night because I I barely got inside of there before all hell broke loose and.

I was sitting there like, why you tell me all the bathroom just I'm like most of us shit our pants.

I'm like you and like my father law the only two people I know.

Oh, your father laws ship his pants at you're at your not a wedding.

It was that end.

Cabo in Cabot skiving Thanksgiving. He shs his pants at the restaurant. It's the best. It was the best Thanksgiving ever.

When did you become vegan?

Probably like nine years ago, But it was because before the animal stuff, I just had a lot of digestive issues.

Me too.

When I was growing up, I would only poop like twice a week.

It was awful.

I used to do that too, Like I would like poop once a week. My mom said I'd get too distracted and I wouldn't poop, and then I get backed up and then I'd sit on the toilet for like two hours or is just screaming miss school that day.

We're supposed to poop twice a day.

H Well, now I poop just constantly.

Good.

Well, it's not good.

It's constantly and in public, not like not in a yes, okay, like a better version of in this recently I shattered a record.

You might get arrested.

No, no, you can't get arrested for pooping on the street in public. Yeah, if it happens, it happens. That's there's a law against having an accident.

I mean, I guess a lawyer as an accident.

But if you're always.

Doing that, I'm not always doing it, but I'm saying I have I have ibs. And it's like recently it happened twice in one day.

You might need to work on fixing your gut.

No, I know, my gut's a wreck.

Yeah, we should maybe talk about that.

Well, like today just for this interview, Like I don't I really don't eat this morning until after this is over.

You should talk to my husband why he does all digestive stuff. Oh man, he could do that, because that's that's disruptive to life.

No, it is, but it's it's also a good story at every party.

I guess if that's the most important.

Maybe secretly I like the thrill of oh no, I'm about to ship myself once a week.

Well, well, because you're getting rid of toxins.

No, I think I like it because it allows me to tell my wife I can't go someplace.

Well, maybe you need to work on that with your wife. Like if you don't want to go somewhere, it, don't go.

And that's what I do. That's what I do ninety nine percent of the time. But in a relationship it's a give and take, so one percent of the time I have to give. I have a few small toilets that I have that I travel with. It's nice put that in your tent.

Let's think through what my tent smells like with a bathroom.

This thing's nice. This one's nice. It's got it.

You just take a composting one or like, no, no, it's just a bag.

Put put one of those chemical pills in it. That they can handle. A porta potty. It's only handling five gallons. You ever pooped your pants as an adult?

Yeah? Probably once again I side effect of oh.

It's posts the it's really got a lot of problems attached to it.

You ever ship yourself as an adult?

Uh?

As an adult.

I've never shipped myself, but I remember when I was in school one time I went to wipe, and a little got on my finger, and uh, and it got on my shirt and I had to go back to class.

Oh man, and I had to like take on my shirt and like wash it, put it under the dry It's no good. That's no good at all. I mean, how old was this? It was probably about like twenty one, twenty two. Oh oh geez, Okay, all right, it's embarrassing. You ever have to take a huge shit on the side of the mountain all the time? You just do it.

You ever gets stick to your stomach and just like that type of Yeah.

No, I've had I've had a bunch of full on, one handed dumps south the side of the mountains where you're like literally hanging on the side of a cliff and you just hang on and you're like, oh my god, I got poop.

You carry some kind of wet wipes with.

You generally have some TP in the bag just in case I'm good.

You go to the bathroom. In your listings a lot pete poop. You pooped. You've never pooped in your listings. I would rather kill myself.

Well, such an extreme no, no, that's so private for me.

All right, Well then, you've got an amazing bowel control. But where do you draw the line? Because you're allowed to use the bathroom?

Of course I know.

I have I ever had sex and one of your listing are you allowed to?

No?

Why are you not allowed to have sex in their bed? You're allowed to use their bathroom? Why can't you use their bed? Have you ever pooped yourself as an adult? Like accidentally?

Almost always?

Almost always, always, But you haven't?

I haven't?

Fully, Yeah, shit your pants?

No.

Whenever I eat spicy food or wherever we're like driving, I have to always pull over at gas stations.

Oh yeah, I can't see you. Fancy you at a gas station using.

The Hi low I don't care. Okay, better than sitting yourself.

Well, that's fair point.

I have considered diapers you have. I think it's super smart.

I mean, yeah, of course it's smart. If you have a problem, but you don't look as cute in diapers.

Maybe you can get cute diapers. Maybe that's a new market.

That's not there's no market for cute diapers for adults.

That was the same tour that my manager, Christie Smith, ended up breaking rule one on the tour bus because she and She blamed it on the lobster, but we all ate the same lobster rules.

And then all of a sudden, she was just blowing up the.

Bathroom, flying down the highway. Oh, I was disturbing. I don't want to eat a rhubarb pie either, that's too much, it's overwhelming.

Maybe discussing what it was mixed with strawberry No, no, not even okay, strawberry pie.

So hey, what are you doing the rest of the day. I don't know. I'll be shitting. I just had a.

Small slice of strawberry five, just so much. But then first I said, wait a second, I'm I'm taking all this this stuff, and I'm supposed to be shitty. My brain's out, and that hasn't happened. But I felt totally normal. So I asked my wife. I said, when does it say during this the you're gonna start pooping? And she said she looks it up shows Oh, it says between thirty and sixty minutes. And I'm like, oh, well, it's been thirty five minutes. I probably shouldn't take him for

Yeah, a lot of work to keep those clean and ready for use.

How many times do you go to the bathroom, And when I say go to the bathroom, I'm not talking about urine during this two and a half days.

This time, probably a couple of times. It's you know, one of one of the secrets of my first finish. It was zero none is.

Zero poop run. Yeah, you held it the whole two and a half days.

I just I just didn't didn't need it. I guess I was.

I was mostly on luck with calories and it never had the urge.

And then what do you do?

Do you just go, yeah, find a nice spot in the woods somewhere, or hold it for between loops when you can actually have the luxury of a nice bathhouse and toilet.

You ever had like a little stomach issue?

W we We're like, oh, I mean all the time, not all the way. I didn't even take that back, Not all the time, but I've definitely happen. Yeah, cauespecially when you're going up to altitude kind of quick the gas expand you know, like, you what do you do? You just white knuckle it. I guess just write it up.

Never you've never hung out, you never know.

No, that would be the end of my career.

If I did that.

They would hear about that.

Who would hear about it. We'd hit bases.

From Alaska to Lee County, Florida, they would hear about it everywhere.

I'd see. That's that's why certain professions are off limits to me because of my stomach.

You got a bad stomach, horrible stomach.

Really yeah, I've never been really diagnosed, but I just have you know, years and years, decades and decades of every year knowing that I'm gonna ship myself at least once or twice.

So you do that annually, you shit yourself?

Would you say shit?

Yeah?

You know, long since the days where it's actually in my pants. Now it's like I'm if I have to, I'm like running in the woods and you know, I'm on the pch.

Climbing down a rock cliff and like hiding in a cove. That's my world.

I thought you were just gonna say, like backstage at the Haha Factory or.

Something like that, and I'm not.

First of all, I'm above the ha Ha Factory. I'm over at the Chumash Casino. They got a dare you for beautiful green room bathroom. See, I couldn't go to space for my stomach. I have a pretty sensitive stomach.

Little I b S.

I just don't know how that would work up there. Explain to me what what you brought present?

Yeah?

Yeah, what let me get let.

Me do this.

Is it your high school diploma?

No? No, this is a there was something about like something about you and and issues with your No?

Is this actually used?

You know, I know, but apollo a fecal bag here?

Amazing? Yeah? Yeah yeah?

And then actually this is the helper. So if you need to.

Wait wait, wait, oh, because you're so constantated and well and helping.

So we thought that was from the penis.

So we have we called it the safe separation anxiety.

Why is this old? They're just old? What's this in here? Probably hold?

I don't know what that is.

So one of those things that says do not eat on.

Yeah, yeah, I definitely don't need it.

Hold on.

So you do, you peel this off? It sticks to you afterwards. Now I just close it up.

Oh okay, so just hold it to you.

Yeah, yeah, so that would be So the station was a much more uh, I would joke in here better because it was just another plastic tube you would go into. We put gloves on because you everything floats and you have to then tend everything into the spot where you wanted to go.

Again.

They spend no time on these things that which I could come up with a better system than that.

Yeah, it was cheap and easy, that's what it for sure.

Why not like a light vacuum setting.

That would be nice, but that was not happening.

Okay, all right, this but this is disturbing, Yes.

It is, you know, I know it was Apollo, guys, I'm not really sure what they were doing, all right, some giky stuffing monsters up there.

I don't even want to know. I don't even want to know what buzz was doing.

Really, but this is the the US the station bathroom that actually, this is beautiful. That not a nice cans.

No, that's exactly what you want to see. I mean that looks like a real bathroom. And we were just stand the pee.

No you have there's a hose, but there was a hose coming out of here. You can just see this part of it right now here, right and it has a funnel on the end of it, and you just float and you just use the funnel.

It's a wet BacT really.

Yeah, okay, that makes more sense now now they're now they're getting it.

If we do recycle though all the year and and condessate on board and you got wet wipes, oh got yes, you need what watch?

Yeah, you weren't having to wipe dry. That's nice.

Yeah.

I have to admit the one, my urob, my biggest mistake I made in space happened right there?

Is what your biggest mistake in space was?

Yeah, so so talk about that wet back right, and you basically on the end of the hose, there's just a valve you turned on any degrease turns on the wet back.

It does a little pretreat.

Into the system so that it can help process the ear later and stuff like that. And you know, you wait a few seconds and then you can use it like no big deal.

Right.

Well I went in there one time distracted and I forgot to turn on and uh, I still grab it and I'm still using it. And I realized, like, you know, wait a minute, I don't hear you. Oh and and.

Now is urine just floating around the way.

Well, I look down this This is where I got the stupid part of it going in there. As I looked down because I thought, like a check real quick, I look down, and sure enough, there's a large sphere of urine, you know, kind of between me and this hose right down here. And and but what I do is I stupidly I like jolted, I jumped and went like like that, which all I did was create little ones floating out. Yes, So then I turned on the on the hose and then I'm trying to chase them down.

I mean, as far as big mistakes go, that's not bad. I would I probably would have pained that whole shuttle at some point. The other day, Uh, my son and I were in the pool and my uh my daughter was running around the deck, uh without any without a diaper on. She's you know, she's young, she's one, but she was naked. And then, uh my son and I were watching her. You know what, we gotta watch her clothes because uh, she doesn't back into things. She just

Uh.

Anyway, she's walking around and she stops, and we're like and she just stares at me, just looks right in my eyes, like just beautiful blue eyes, just stares at me and just shits just a huge shit, one big, solid, long turd. And I'm like, oh my goodness, and my son is like ah ah, and then I go, well, now it's really a poop deck oh oh. That both of us chuckled for so long anyway. Then we scream, uh right, Carl. We scream, we said, mom, get a boot bag. Our daughter just crapped on the deck. And

Wow.

But that how?

I mean, what do you do? I don't I remove his teeth. I don't know what to do. I brushed him, I wiped his mouth down, but nothing.

It was fine.

It's bread smelled fine. I don't even think he showed it, just devoured to turn. I gotta live with that for the rest of my life. My son was traumatized. He just kept saying, I can't, I can't stop thinking about it. How gross is expressing anal glands, because it honestly sounds like the.

Worst thing is it?

It's exceptionally disgusting.

What do you actually do?

You stick your finger in the butt and then use your thumb to squeeze the gland between your finger and your thumb that they live sort of in the muscles of the anish huh, and squeeze gently so that the material inside it again gets squished out ideally into a paper towel or tissue with a glove on. The problem is sometimes it squirts aggressively and can get places that you don't want it and smells terrible, and if it it just gets on you, the smell is there for the day.

You can't wash it.

How often do you need to do this?

I never do this.

How often does a dog need to Oh? I have it?

That's a great question. Most dogs, as they poop, it expresses the ana glands normally, so they shouldn't have stuff in there all the time. You know some people have it done once a week for their dogs.

Once a week.

Yeah, but you know, if it happens at my hospital, I asked my technicians to do that. That is not something I do.

Can I do it at home? Can I learn how to do it?

I know a lot of people who do it at huh.

Oh, my goodness, Carl got a new game.

If he doesn't need it, it's probably not necessary to put my fingers in his butt, that's correct. What about people that are into that weird? Uh uh, this is gonna get disgusting, but yes, let's just say poop people that are in like, is it poop play?

Is that a thing? Whatever?

The thing? Yeah?

Do you you have to sit there and act like this this is acceptable? What you're saying, Oh, you're into this, it's okay.

Why wouldn't it be okay?

It's disgusting?

Yeah, Look, excrement can be really gross. We're all conditioned to think E E E and like, disgust serves a very So.

He doesn't like it. Carl's I was like, you're about to talk about although he's eight before.

Yeah, Carl's like, Daniel, you're like speaking out of your lane here.

Fair enough, fair enough, Carl, I apologize all right.

People like it for different reasons. Some people enjoy that kind of play because it is gross and they like to lean into the disgust element or the humiliation element. Some people like it because they want to reclaim something in themselves. You know, everyone's different and the important thing to remember. Whatever the kink is that somebody's doing, it's a metaphor for something that they're trying to experience in life.

Yeah, that's just that's just some fucked up parents. That's that's all it is.

You just got to tell them to get out of your off and also, duh, it just you clean the couch. My son and a friend over, they were playing in the pool. I was swimming with them. They're both physically attacking me. Then my wife's like, ah, your daughter wants to get in. So you know, when you're fighting off two five year olds in a pool, it's not better than having to hold a one year old the whole time. So that's what I'm doing anyway. Yeah, that part of

I guess.

Round they coming out really round, like just slightly smaller than a baseball, bigger than a golf ball. Okay, there's two of them. Boom, boom, gonna be a very easy pick up and clean. My wife immediately steps in one barefoot steps in, It goes between her toes. She starts freaking out. Then she's like walking on her heel to go get something to pick it up. I go, don't go pick it up, go clean your foot off. Clean your foot off first, then pick up these these two balls.

I'll take that. Why'd you eat it? I had to brush your teeth.

Meanwhile with my my son's friend and his mom are just watching this whole thing, like what is happening in your house?

And I'm like, this is what we do. We step in, poop, dogs, eat it. We all laugh at each other. Good times.

Pasha, Tam, I am I right, Carl, We've done some disgusting things. But this year twenty twenty five, oh no pooping the whole year. You don't eat poop, and I keep it in the toilet, not in my shorts.

That's our goal. What do we got here? You want me put the glasses?

Oh?

See that? Hello?

Check out our boyswortpink dot com, tossshowstore dot com and our tours at Daniel Tosh dot com and Eddie Gaisling dot com. You get it allth dot COM's go check them out now. Our last free plug of twenty twenty four you ready call you?

Hear that music? It's building, it's building. Look at that ah?

Oh that just makes you want to plug all right? January first, twenty twenty five. That's tomorrow, from six thirty to ten thirty, the Walla Walla High School class of twenty fourteen will be having his ten year reunion at the Wallawalla Alex Lodge number two eight seven. Ten years, Eh, it's too early. You don't need to be catching up on anybody in ten years. I go ten years out seeing family members and I don't even act like it's a big deal.

Hey, what's up?

Organizers promised a tastefully plant rager, but remind all alumni that they should plan to go hard like it's twenty fourteen at Calhoun's, which I believe is a reference they said to a twenty four hour gym in Walla Walla. Anyway, Tickets to the event are forty dollars. Dress codes casual. There will be a mechanical bowl and live music. A food truck will be serving up urban Mexican cuisine.

I don't even know what that.

Means, no idea, that sounds racist, urban Mexican cuisine. Can you talk a bunch of street tacos?

Huh? All right, whatever, it's Walla Walla. You know how they are up there.

A bartender will be on hand serving up drinks for purchase for everyone that didn't get enough booze the night before.

Yeah, that's tough. That's stuff.

You're going New Year's Eve and then your ten year reunion the next day, free parking for all attendees and as an adults only evening. What it's the ten year reunion you're telling me in Walla Walla, these guys have already started families.

Doesn't check out? Maybe does? Maybe people are like, oh, you don't know, Walla Walla you get Walla Walla.

You have a family early, I don't know, so all right, well, Walla Walla, congratulations enjoy that tomorrow night. As a special bonus for this episode, you guys, we've combiled a second mashup of the moment every episode that everyone really tunes in for. So without further ado, please enjoy Happy New Year. Get this off my desk. Get your head off my desk, Pasha, We've got to get that off my desk. Yeah, we gotta set that down or something.

We gotta go like, I'm gonna set it down, please, I mean.

I don't have a staff, all right, put that on floor. You can't get this one. Yeah, you keep that's yours. I want you to put that on in your cell.

I agree with you.

Okay, now get that off my desk please.

It's lovely.

You're gonna want to give that to people so much.

You're gonna have to put that on the floor. I don't want that on the desk. The dog, my dog can't get pregnant either. Get this off the desk, please, I got more stuff coming.

Hold on, we get get this, get this spatch loft. Okay, okay, all right, get that off my desk. Please, this is a heavy ass.

Uh stand well yeah, yeah, we'll scratched my beautiful table. I just got this table enough. You put that on the floor. You can put that on the floor. Please get this off my desk off. I don't want it's on my table. Get this off my desk. I'll push this down over there. Yeah, it's fine. Just shove it off. It'll be fine. Okay, But that that needs to go too, But don't. I don't want to shove it off. If you set that down at your gift, Yes, you're gonna I'm gonna carry.

That home for you.

God, I am coming out here with a hall.

Get this off my desk. Sure, get that off my desk.

Get that off the desk.

You gotta keep the bike. Yeah, you keep the bank.

Put them get them off the table, you keep my diploma. Get it off my table. Set that on the floor.

Can you get your huge gatorade thing? It's it's too big.

I know that.

No, I don't know. I have dripped.

Oh man, if I get up too quickly, put that on the floor. Get this off my table. You get it off the desk. Just throw on the floor.

All this on the floor. That's get this off my fucking table. Gen Z man, they just get that off my table. Oh my gosh, I'm gonna get this off my table. I don't I can't fit this in my house, but you'll find a place for it. It'll be great, it'll be great. Okay, good god.

Dude, you can just set that all on the ground there. That doesn't matter, all right, take take that off. Okay, you're gonna love it. It's not pick a ball. It's this put on the floor. But that's your paddle. Now you're gonna have trouble with those. You'll like them. Thank you for getting that off the table.

This is the last interview that I'm doing with this table. Wow.

So I'm giving you this table. I don't know where you're gonna put it, but this table is now yours.

That is just so generous.

Thank you.

So I need you to take this with you. Get your get your get my mug off your table.