My L.A. Wildfire Evacuation

He's in Key West doing shows. No better place to be when hell and fury has struck down here in all of southern California. Well, I should check in on Eddie. I should at least make sure Eddie's fine. Let me see if Eddie's fine, Let me call Eddie. What do you do when you're in Key West? Have sex with men. Was that big dog? Oh yeah, you're on the pod, Eddie. We're checking in on you. Oh hey, how's it going, everybody?

How's key West? Key West is great? I just got here in death a man like a little bungalow and faces of the sunset. So man, this might be this place is cool. All right, well're glad you're safe. Stay safe, Eddie, all stay safe? Oh wow, buddy, stay safe, stay here by Eddie. Couldn't live further away from the fires. Just so weird, We're clear. He lives in South Bay. Before I get in to the wildfires that have rocked so col. Yeah, you ever call it so cal? I never do, never.

I know. I don't think anyone calls it so cal. If I'm writing it down, maybe I would write so cal just because it's less and less time. But anyway, before I get I gotta talk about a few other things. Some of you are probably, hey, Dan, why do you still have the beard? Have you been out fighting fires? No? No, no. The reason I still have the beard is because I was gonna shave it clean up, and my wife's like,

don't don't shave that. You look way better with it, And I was like, whoa No, I don't think that our relationship has lost some of the spice. But if there's something that's given me an edge, then I'll keep it. You tell me, I just got to grow some ball hair on my face. That's what it feels like to It feels like a fourteen year old's balls or on my face. Now, before you take that and run with it, well, how do you know what a fourteen year old's ball feel like on your face? No? I don't really have

an answer for that. Last week I told a story about how I had a poop in the woods, and unfortunately I mentioned or fortunately, depending on who he asked, I mentioned the bakery, which was a cakeery that I went to first. And I just want to reiterate because they immediately texted me like, hey, I hope you weren't implying that our place gave you the shits, and I'm like, no, no, and I'm sorry that it came across. I was saying.

I'm lactose intolerant. I eat like a child. That was just too much for my ston My stomach can't handle you know anything, I could eat celium husk for breakfast. I'm still gonna go diarrhea at some point. Yeah, okay, Well, anyway, I just wanted them to know my friends with Sugar Pine Cakeery that I love them and their food's amazing. And don't let one story of me pooping in the woods make it sound like I'm not a huge fan. Yeah, does not cause diarrhea. You know, your food does not

cause That's that's just the life I live. That was just a horrible coincidence. Anyway, here's the problem when you have wildfires in California. The California is so big that everybody reaches out to you, Oh my goodness, are you okay? Nobody ever understands how big certain areas are. Los Angeles isn't a town, It's it's just a throw up of

of the devil. You know, if you lived in North Carolina and a wildfire broke out in Delaware, you wouldn't call your friends in North Carolina like, how are you guys doing? Are you okay? From the Delaware fires? That's nowhere near us? You know. The other thing that was I found so terribly annoying during this is all the people's again. I'm I'm sure, I'm I'm putting this on them, But this sincerity was in question with everyone. Oh everyone's

so worried. It's weird how everyone's so worried when normally everybody just loves to shit on California constantly. But now everybody's just heartbroken over what we're going through. I'm like, are you are you really heartbroken? You know, when the door's closed, no one's around, and you're pounding away on your keyboard about how fuck these liberals blah blah blah, you're really heartbroken hate us because you ain't us, right, that's Joey's you know people you would always say that

about the Patriots when they were having their run. That's just how they are about California. You know, you love you love to shit on us because we're the best, and we're the best by a mile. Now you could argue and say, oh, it's not true. I wouldn't want those wild fires. Okay, where do you live? Tornadoville, Hurricaneville.

Everyone's got something. But you ever have your Apple TV on and not watch something, Just just keep it paused for a while and then it goes to a screen saver, and then all of a sudden, these beautiful images of our planet Earth come up. You want me to tell you something. Out of the thirty stock images that they have slow motion moving around, fifty percent of them are from the state of California. Yeah, you know why, because it's beautiful, Because it's the prettiest place in the world.

Rarely are they panning over some random town in Kentucky. There's no shot of the mall just outside of Arkansas. Just go through that screensaver, and if you can't find your hometown in there, know that there's a reason nobody wants to see the Ohio River. Oh it's so beautiful. Look at the Ohio River. Everyone checked in. I can't believe what you've gone through. Mike. First of all, you don't know what we've gone through. And second one, I

haven't gone through anything. If I haven't said this already, I'm good. I'm fine. We filmed an episode last week the day that the fires started, and I remember calling the guys and I said, hey, you probably want to get out here early because the winds are picking up. And when the winds pick up, Edison, the power company shuts off the electricity to be preventative for wildfires. So I was like, get out here early so that we

can film now we pushed the shoot up. We're shooting. Literally, i'd say thirty minutes after we finished shooting the episode, boom power went off. And then they drove home. And as they were driving home, I'm like, guys, you see that that plume coming from the Palisades. And they're like yeah, yeah, and they drove right by it. They filmed it. They're like, it's getting worse and worse, and sure, shit, that was it.

That was our Tuesday. And I don't, you know, I'm not going to get into conspiracies on what started the fire. You know, I don't know if it was a climate change versus God. I don't know if it was some maga arsonist that couldn't figure out that his candidate won the election. I was like, well, I still have these

plans to destroy California. Who whatever it is, whether it was a fire that started six days before, hey, maybe you blame our tone def governor, who's really listen, he's going to fix this, come hell or high water because he's got an Olympics to put on. I don't care what it was, it happened and now there's destruction. And I also want to point out this in twenty eighteen the Wosey fires. I was building my current home near completion.

We had investment property next door that housed all of our stuff, and the Wolsey fire came through and it burnt my house down, and it burnt down that neighbor's house that had all the stuff in it. So I've been through it, and my wife was seven months pregnant at the time, and it was just the worst thing in the world. But the point is I've gone through it. It's horrific, and you know, I'm not gonna live in a state of depression for the next three to five years.

When I was fortunate for this particular fire. You know, what am I gonna do? How is Malibu and going to rebuild? Well, they're going to maybe it. You can't see it now, but it's gonna happen. And I hear people when they say this. You know, not everybody in Malibu is wealthy. Not everybody in the Pacific Palisades is wealthy. No, okay, not everybody, most of them, not everybody. And and a lot of people are hurting and they've lost, you know, everything,

that's it's horribly tragic. I certainly know that if it were in other areas of Los Angeles, the numbers, you know, might be much higher, and the coverage would be much less. You don't have as many celebrities living in Altadena as you do the Pacific Palace stage, so I feel like they're not getting the equal coverage. But we care about you just as much. Well maybe not as much as Steve Kerr's family home or JJ Reddick's house, but you

get it. I mean, it's okay. So anyway, it wasn't near us, and I'm like, it's the direction of the is okay for us. We don't need to leave. And I got a I've got a generator at my house. It's you know, it hooked up to a main gas line. They shut the gas off and they've never done that before. And then the internet went out, and I'm like, whoa, this is bad. I got now I've got to evacuate. Guy, I got a one year old. I can't. I can't live like that. I can't entertain a one year old.

She already knows about technology. You want me to you want me to pretend like it's a little house on the prairie. M So we had to go. We we headed out to Monacito. Oh beautiful. Go to the Rosewood Mahormar, most expensive hotel. It won't even it'd make you sick. And they were nice enough, and it's funny. Here's what I learned during an evacuation. No hotel is allowed to turn away animals dogs. That's interesting. Every hotel becomes pet

friendly during an evacuation. Anyway. This place is pet friendly regardless. But everybody that was getting out of their car had two or three pets and a mother in law and it was just hysterical. And nobody was packed properly. You know. They had a hamper filled with random toys, clothes piled up. All of the people there, people from Calabasas and Malibu and the Palisades, and everybody's just in different states of shock.

I immediately ran into Chandler Parsons there. He's got tequila, screaming fifty to fifty coach if my house is gone. Made me laugh. I'm like, good, this is who I want to be with right now. I'll tell you what though. Evacuation life was good for Chandler. He's golf and every day. One day he was with his daughter and she was just sobbing crying. I was with my daughter, happy as can be, and I say to his daughter, Oh, what would holding a bluey make you happier? My daughter has

a stuffed bluey. She was holding it, and then my daughter just without hesitation, just just hands it to his daughter. She immediately stops crying. And then and then Chandler just leaves and takes it. I mean I asked for it. Like the next day, I said, hey, how about that stuffed animal back? And you know, He's like, oh, yeah, I'll get that back to you. And that hasn't happened, by the way. One day Chandler was this was funny. He's like, hey, I'm gonna bet bet the Chargers to

beat the Texans. I go, don't do it. I can show it to you. I had texts. Are they don't. He's like, I'm doing it. And then I keep seeing him. I'm like, don't do it. He's like, no, no, they're gonna They're gonna easily beat them. I'm like, ah, He's like, I'm putting thirty k on it. I go, oh, don't. Yeah, how'd that work? He he left, He got kicked out of the hotel. He was tired of that place. He

got kicked out. Well, he thought he thought his reservation was through that, you know, one day, and it wasn't. They're like, you got to move on. There's but guess who I guess who replaced him as basketball Royalty entered the hotel. Dwayne Wade.

the fires, who do I run into? I'm standing in the lobby with Carl and I'm holding my daughter waiting for a glass of whole milk, which oddly was hard to get from time to time. And who comes in with, you know, an assistant or somebody Oprah Winfrey? Ooh Royalty. Wow, the A list celebrity sighting of all comes walking. What does she do? Does she look at my beautiful daughter and give her a nod or a smile? Absolutely not looks at Carl immediately gets excited, just immediately does a

look at that dog. That's what she goes, look at that dog. Wow. I was like, look at that Carl Oprah And he was ungroomed, right, he was horribly ungroomed.

what celebrities have stayed there. You know, you're telling me at this fair field in Diplo stayed here? All right, that's interesting. Why do you think Diplo is there? Huh? By the way, no thing I didn't do right by people. I've offered up our Tahoe house to anyone that needs

to get away that we know. I mean even people that don't really know if we kind of secondhand know them and they need a place, I'm like here, when the time is right and you just want to get away for a week, a couple of days, whatever, go on up, I'll have it opened up for you. But then we had a rental house immediately after our hotel stay, and you know, we invited everyone, any families that needed to come. We had a big house. We only needed

one room. We crammed in. I put there's two closet areas in my room, so one kid got one of them, one got the other, and then the rest of the bedrooms we just divvied up to other families that needed it. Just really, you know, just generous. Poor Ava, my beautiful, old, sweet, confused fifteen year old dog. She doesn't do well when you bring her anywhere else. She just doesn't understand where she is. And when we got to the rental house, you know, this lady has showing me around how to

use stuff. I'm pretending to listen. Here's how you turned the jacuzzi on. I can never figure it out. Anyway, she leaves. I happened to be walking outside and I watched Ava quickly just walk right into the pool. And then when she walked into the pool, she didn't even attempt to swim, didn't kick her legs, just started sinking

to the bottom. Swear just started sinking straight to I reach my arm and I grab her by an ear and slowly pull her up and get her out, dryer off, and I'm like, day, honey, let's not kill yourself right now, Jesus. But I had it, you know, because of all the travel and not being groomed, she got madded and I've had to shave her down. Oh my goodness, still cute and she's doing good. Everybody says, no, no, she's got She's still got life in her. She's still enjoying things.

You know. Remember when our vet friend was on and he said, you come up with a list of ten things that they like, and when they stopped doing five of them start having the conversation. Huh, she has stopped all ten. She eats and poops. That's the only time I can ever tell if she's got any joy left in her. But every now and then there's just some life. I don't know. I don't know what to do with her.

Matt love her though. By the way, my wife's birthday is this coming weekend, and I've already reserved a hotel for us up in Montecito, and we're gonna go. I have to act like it's like, no, no, it's not. It's different. It's your birthday. We're gonna celebrate. We didn't just do this, No, I just I'm just gonna pretend that we haven't just been in a hotel, in a rental house and in Tahoe, like we've been at our house for two days this year. Twenty twenty five. Guys

man starting off strong. Oh yeah, oh brother, speaking of wildfires and how long it takes to rebuild. You remember when Australia had those horrible wildfires. Oh yeah. I was working there right after those fires in twenty nineteen. It was right before the pandemic, and I remember people going, oh, I can't believe you're going, like the wildfires are two

out of control. You should cancel. And I didn't. I went, and then I felt guilty because of the wildfires, and I, you know, donated all the money that I made to help, you know, rebuild. And now it's been four or so years and I haven't checked in, but I was watching the Australian open this week, and I'm like, nobody even mentions it. Things look normal, things look good. I mean, I could be completely wrong, but the point is, and in four years things will be good or better. I hope.

I can't even imagine how strong the economy is going to be when this new administration fixes everything. You'll be sitting on a fortune. Come out ahead. Yeah, you're gonna be coming out of head. Let me tell you something else about uh Australia. When I was there. You want to know how bad those fires were. It rained while we were in Melbourne, and the fires were so bad that there was like dust, dirt, ash in the air that the rain was coming down. I shit, you not

like mud. It was redish, reddish like I remember my wife's shoes were immediately ruined from walking outside in the rain. You couldn't wrap your head around that. And I just think, well, that's worse if it was if it was raining blood here in LA Right now, I can imagine the news coverage. Here's here's a little bit of my hostility towards the coverage. I understand some of it's informative, but a lot of

it is just the world we live. In now where everybody just like, look at the suffering, Look what they're going through. And I'm just somebody. When my house burnt down and I came back, I would have appreciated more stories of like, look at this, this place made it. This place made it. When they say that five thousand structures are damaged, that doesn't necessarily mean five thousand homes. You know that doesn't It's not one for one. And you know, I don't know how many homes survived in

the Pacific Palisades, but I know homes did. The person that built my home twice, he bought me a little Honda pool drainer pump to fight fires. I got two hundred feet of two inch hose and I drop a line into my pool and I can, you know, stop any spotfires that come. And that's another thing that happens. When they tell you to evacuate, and and some people refuse to evacuate, you're like, oh, but then they have

to save you. Yes, you should listen to evacuations, but certain people that are capable of helping you can't convince me that it's not beneficial. For instance, the guy that built my house lives in the Palisades, and sure shit, he had to evacuate, and then he's snuck back in on foot around police, got up back to his house, saw that his neighbor's house was on fire, put his pump in his pool, got their house out, drained his entire pool, went to his neighbor's house, drained their pool,

just soaking everything. Went to the next house, drained their pool, soaking the next two houses. Saved four or five houses right there on a Palisades road. You know, by himself, I'm just letting you know, not every not everything is gone. People are like, oh the whole the whole town. No, there's some places that are okay. Not every place is completely derit. And some of the places that are that are damaged. Not the whole thing is damaged. And let

me tell you something. Building in California is a nightmare. And guess what now, Oh, they're going to have to be more lenient and they're gonna have to like expedite all of these permits. And that's a good thing. People will you know, they won't have to It's not gonna be the process that it is normally when you try to build and everybody's got answers I talk to people. I listen. You know, we're getting this entire system put in our home that changes the humidity by over fifty

percent and fires will just go around it. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna buy a different house. Or what do you think of these people that hire private firefighters? I'm jealous. If I could bribe a truck to just park it out in front of my place when a fire was coming, I think that'd be great. Am I going to look into what it costs to get a private firefighter? Now? No, I'm not. You know, I kept checking into my house because if you watch the news,

the looters. The looters are everywhere. Okay, you know who buys into that stuff. Remember my AV guy John that I interviewed on the show, Uh huh. Sure enough. He was checking into my house constantly, and he's like, I got a gun on me. I'm like, what that maniacs walking over the gun. I'm like, if you shoot Roofina, wonder what kind of gun he has. Lord knows he shouldn't have a gun. I just I just know that if there's a criminal with the gun and my AV guy with the gun, I'm putting all my money on

the criminal. Although if I came to my house and he was just like shot in the leg or something like that, I would probably think that's the greatest thing has ever happened. I bet that feeled juvenating. Oh that would be juvenating. You bet that's John juvenating. And then you hear, oh my goodness, we are using prisoners to fight the fire. And I'm like, they're the ones fighting the fire. We gotta use everybody. What are they in jail for violent sex crimes? No, apparently none of the

crimes are violent. They any crime there, they couldn't It couldn't be a violent crime that they were in for that released them to fight fires. Well, I'll take them at their word. You know, thank everyone for doing their work. I filmed just just around the corner from my house, just the hundreds and hundreds of fire trucks that are set up and where they're sleeping and go in the bathroom every day, and you're like, oh man, this is

this isn't what I thought they signed up for. You know, when you think of a firefighter when you're a kid, You're like, look at this truck and they and they're they're in there just making chili posing in their underwear for sexy calendars. Sure, and then you find out, no, no, you gotta you gotta breathe awful fucking air for days and days and pooping these awful little toilets. Guys. Anyway, I'm just so happy to be here and wanted to let you know that I'm doing great. My neighborhood is good.

All of us that work on this show are fine and safe and haven't lost anything. So we're very fortunate and will help those that we can help. Okay, so stop being a little bitches, Casha. Well, Carl, how have you enjoyed evacuation life? Do you like meet Oprah? Well, he doesn't get impressed by celebrities. I love it, but he he acts like it's like, whatever, your hair looks great? What else we plug our our stand up? I got a new tour gonna be through the Midwest. Carl. We're

going to the Midwest. We're gonna be in Minneapolis, We're gonna be in Omaha, be in Kansas City. None of these interest you? What about Madison, Wisconsin? What about Milwaukee? What about shy Town? You fall asleep for real? All right, Eddie's gonna be with us. You know what, I think every city we should audition them to be our new home in case California burns completely. Fact, if I had to pick one of those cities to live in, it would be Minneapolis. You know, I love it. I've always

loved it. I have good memories there as a young comedian. All right, time for the free plug hit the free plug music. I don't think you should have played music that was gonna put Carl to sleep deeper somber. All right, our free plug it should be, you know, our free plug should be. It should be the Red Cross. If you want to donate to help for the wildfire victims of the Pacific Palisades and any other areas that were affected Southern California, all of southern California. Let's not just

just pick the Palisades because they're closer to us. But that's not our free plug, our real free plug. It's Girl Scout Cookie time, guys. Yep, that's right, this week's free plug Girl Scout Cookies. They're not a sponsor, nor should they be. This is about getting guilt tripped into buying four boxes? How many boxes did you guys? Buy? When they when you when you're forced to always four. It's always four. I do two boxes of thin mints, and then you have to put them in the freezer.

They taste it. First of all, these cookies don't taste good. None of them are good. They're all fine. Oh my favorite is samoas, okay, because that's the one that tastes the most like candy, the least like a cookie. Are you even allowed to say samoas anymore? I don't know. I'm sure, I'm sure under this current administration you have to say it exactly. I like the trey foils. Is that how you pronounce it? I don't even know. That's just the shortbred ones what. They're all garbage? But they help.

We should we should do it, we should buy them. But you know what, I don't like them. They used to go door to door and now it's like they set up outside of a grocery store. They come to your office and they just hit everybody. They're barely doing any of the legwork anymore. Remember Bill, Bill used to at tosh Point. Oh, this guy used to come in his daughter and he would just she wouldn't even come in. He just would pass the paper around. We'd all have to sign it or we were shamed, and then the

cookies would come and she wouldn't even come. He would just here's your cookies. Sometimes he wouldn't even bring the cookies. He'd forget. He's like, oh, yeah, I forgot about that. You guys ordered a bunch, didn't you do? You have to pay when you receive the cookies, think, I mean nowadays, nowadays you just go they're at the grocery store and you outside and they've got the boxes. You buy it,

you get the cookies, so that's it. You know. Back in my day, you know, a little girl knocked on your door, you know, you'd get so excited, like, who's this little smoke show? But I was a childhood too. I'm talking about when I was like fifteen years old, and then I'm like, hey, what's up? You know, I mean, you tell her how you were kicked out of the boy Scouts for eating brownies. It was always a fun

time anyway. You know. You would just fill out the paperwork and then you know, two seasons would go by and then all of a sudden, one day cookies would show up. Yeah, yeah they're all shit cookies, let's be clear. Yeah, they they always try to take cookies off the roster and add new ones, but none of them work. The money raised, though, goes to local councils, financial aid for those who can't afford it, troops, what else? I don't

understand what it goes to. Basically just goes to Girl Scouts. Yeah, and baking and distribution, all right, Caramel chocolate chip, that's the flavorite flavor. Caramel delights. Those are the samoas, Peanut butter sandwich dosy does Girl Scouts s'mores. Those are gonna be discontinued after this year. Lemonades, don't know what that is? Lemon ups what peanut butter patties or tagalons, thin mince toasty a those are gone after this year. So and

toffee tastic. Okay, Girl Scouts get it together. I don't know. Am I gonna let my daughter be a Girl Scout? You better believe it. Okay, she's an American and that's the American way. We'll see you next week, hopefully,