My Favorite Y.A. Author - Dana Claire

Why do women in their late thirties have such an interest in reading books about vampires and fairies having orgies at a magic Academyshaw Tosh Show Show three two. Welcome to the show. I'm Daniel Tosh. You like that, Eddie?

I do like that.

I'm at the show. It seems cooler. I feel like that's what the kids probably call this. Oh, the show? Yeah, Hey, you guys see the new show. Hey it's Tuesday. What are you doing. I'm probably gonna check out the show. Who's on? Who cares? The show's on? The show's on. I'm gonna get that to spread. Let's start calling this the show, man, Why don't we just call it the show? To begin? Is there something else already called the show?

I don't think so.

Nothing in the history of entertainment has been called the show. It's the big show. Isn't the big show? It's just the show? Oh man, I can't believe it's called that. I love it all right. Today is the first Tuesday of November. And you know what that means. Insurrection in surrection. Oh, there's bad people on both sides. Guys said it. I've said it a hundred times. Do you guys know what all the props are on the ballots. No, Yeah, it's always like you vote yes on eighteen, no on nineteen.

Are they sharing the house?

Yeah, they all left it. They all live. There's a reality show. There's cameras everywhere. It's gonna be awesome. It's called the White House.

Yeah.

It's like there's a live feed you or you can watch just the weekly put together package, or you can just watch it all day long and they just all live there and they all have to agree on stuff and figure things out. Nobody's getting voted out until one they died, and they die and then okay, fine, But at any given time there can be you know, thirty forty presidents. I'm just spitballing. I'm just spitballing, guys. I don't have all the answers.

That's a great state of the Union.

Let's get on it. You know what country does it? Costa Rica? Oh yeah, you have to look down though, you know, if you know what country actually does this, it's not it's not a unique idea. Nicaragua, they got it together down there. Yeah, that worked. Columbus. I'm pretty sure Columbia does this too.

A few of these places are nailing it.

You know. You know, actually what country does this? Turks and Caicos. Oh yeah, they got to figure it out there.

People love it there.

People love Turks and Caicos. Did you know that originally it was just one country? Turks didn't know that. You know. Another thing I'd like to point out whoever wins this election, you know, if Kamala wins, because she's the better person and better candidate. That's great. Now, if Trump wins, I'd love to check in on these people's lives that have been so horrible the past four years and just see how amazing their lives are. Now, did he fix all your problems? That would be fun. That'd be fun to

What an intro?

How was it?

Oh?

It was good?

Thank you.

I had the word throbbing in it, and I know that that is definitely you have to tick that box.

Yes, throbbing is definitely what gets the kids to read your books these days.

Do you say tick or do you say check? Like when you're talking about boxes, I oh, that checked a lot of boxes? Or do you say that ticked a lot of boxes?

I say checked.

Most people do, But I think the right I think the correct thing is tick. Am I wrong? I think you're right? I think I'm right. That's all I need. That's my fact checker. He just basically goes, I think you're right every time.

But it's really about perception being reality. So even if your fact check your is right, what is the rest of the world.

Think They think I'm an idiot?

I don't think Dana.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes?

Good?

Thanks?

Finally, now convince me.

I mean, how can they not be? What happens after somebody dies but isn't ready to go to the beyond.

It's just human souls that are that are the ghost I think. So Okay, yeah, have you ever had an interaction with a ghost?

Oh? Man kind of oh oh, we want me to tell you?

Yeah, I do, unless it's hard to believe.

Well, it's probably gonna heart be hard to believe. But my mom passed and I was in my late twenties, and the night that she passed, my dad was trying to get all the things together that we're going to go inside her coffin. I know, this is like a sad story, so he's like putting all this. She had a whole list, she knew she was dying, so we

I don't.

Okay, it's a very expensive statue. It was like the first very expensive present I gave my mother when I was younger. So I broke it, and good old kid fashion, I elbowed it. It fell, so the broken one my mom want to be buried with, and he just couldn't find it. So later that night I kind of had a dream that some and sat on the edge of my bed and I like woke up and there was like a figure but I didn't quite see it, and

I mean, okay, it's a heartwarming story and I'm not going to discredit it. I just wish she would have been more specific than one of the cabinets.

Right, yeah, yeah, I know, a little vague, or she could have given me like the pick six numbers too, like if she really wanted to help me out.

Well, I don't know, just because you're a ghost. I don't believe that they can see into the future.

No, right, that's fair. You're right.

Is Dana Claire your pen name?

Dana Claire is my first and middle name.

Interesting, right, talk to me like I like, I'm an idiot. So it's gonna be a big stretch. Okay, Explain to me what young adult is, Okay, the whole genre, the books, yes, and why people are so into them? Go on.

Okay, so young adult is supposed to be like thirteen to eighteen, but over the last decade it's really kind of evolved to that, like seventeen to nineteen, and it's gotten spicy, which is why have you heard Twilight?

Yeah?

Yeah, so like that was really when I think young adult went skyrocketed and people were like, we must jump on this train.

By the way, Twilight unwatchable, really unwatchable. Well it looks like it shot off a cell phone.

Fair, But a lot of people did watch it.

Uh huh, everyone watched it.

Yeah, every garbage garbage.

That just completely the hook garbage.

But do you know why? Why why people much hot.

Dudes turn it into were wolves?

Yes? But sure, but the tropes. Do you know what a trope is? Okay? So a trope is like enemy to lovers or forbidden romance, things like that where people love the idea of like he wanted to devour her. You talked about Throbby before It devours a good one too, And he wanted to eat her and then all this like I can't have you, I can have you. He's like centuries old, she's like sixteen. It's like taboo. These are things that hook people.

What's his name tried to eat people. He got canceled for it. What's his name? Armie Hammer? Armie Hammer, that guy, he was real into cannibalism or something. I don't know.

Again, it's not as catchy.

He grew up in New Jersey, but always tell people you're from New York. I do Do you do that? Because New Jersey is depressing?

Yes, the people are always like, oh, the armpit of America, And I'm like, no, it's beautiful. It has horse farm.

Well then why don't you embrace it? Be the sunshine that it needs.

Yeah, it really does need like some positive marketing to it, some pr for New Jersey. But I lived in New York for over ten years, so like I feel like that counts.

Yeah, well, yeah, I just know you're not from there.

No, I'm not.

I'm from Florida. Oh, born in Germany. You know, I've got those two nooses around my neck. I have to embrace them.

Do you talk about them a lot?

No?

Right, feels fair.

Then you went to the University of Delaware and studied English.

I did.

How was your time at the University of Delaware?

I loved it. I was an English major, though, because I was failing every other class, and my advisor was like, Hey, you do really well at English. Why don't you take that on as a major.

Give me some of the jobs that you had from college, out of college, et cetera, before you got into this current world.

Well, I was a bartender.

Were you a good bartender?

I was fantastic, as long as you didn't order anything too complicated.

Okay, did you have attitude?

I had attitude? I had SaaS. I was loving it. You know. Give me a stage in a spotlight?

And did you love the movie Coyote Ugly?

Oh my god, do you want to hear a story?

Yep? Okay, so that's why we're here.

Yeah, okay, so, oh my god, this is so going far in the wrong direction. But so that is actually called that coyote Ugly movie was based off of Red Rock Bar. I had an audition for it. And yeah, I'm also a really good dancer. I danced my whole life. Yeah, I teach bars.

I believe it. Are I see them?

Okay? So I loved it. I mean I loved the dance. I loved being on the bar. There was a part where you have to pour cold water on yourself, and I'm allergic to cold water. I've cold you to carry you so like I couldn't physically do the job. And that's why I didn't take it.

I mean, I'm not. I don't you're gonna take this the wrong way.

No, I'm not. I'm gonna love it.

But you're kind of like a witch. I believe it ghosts if I threw a bucket of water on you, Yeah, you're done.

I is so done.

I've never heard of such an allergy. I know, so like, you could never do a cold plunge.

No, no, it would kill me.

It would actually kill you.

It would actually kill me. So there are like things I'm not allowed to do. I have an epupen. What's the tempt I don't know the way they figured it out is. I ended up in the er like a bunch of different times, and I had to start keeping a diary, and it would be like after a cold shower, after I went in the ocean. So then they started to be like, something's happening. So they put an ice pack on my arm, and my arm blew up with hives, and they were like, oh.

She has cold you to carry you, cold you to carry you. Yeah, I'm so excited that I learned something today. Thank you. How many books have you written?

Ten that are published, but I have like another eight that aren't out yet.

How long does it take you to write a book?

It depends how much time I have.

I mean the shortest time you've ever written a book two months? Two months? How many pages is it? Well?

A word count is what we normally go by, right count. Yeah, about eighty to ninety thousand words, which is approximately depending on how the book is around, like three hundred and fifty pages.

Okay, all right, so continue. How did you get into it?

So I went into sales and business and made a lot of money, but very busy, lots of traveling and flying every week. The pandemic was the first time I think I don't know since college. I actually was sitting there like what do I do with myself? So I was like, I think I'm going to start to write again. I haven't written in a really long time, and I just the words just flowed out of me. And next thing you know, I was researching how to publish it.

I'm both okay?

And that was it. That was really what it is. I just had time for the first time ever, I didn't have a job.

You write the book, You finish writing the book. Yeah, how does it go from that to people actually reaching? Oh?

I failed miserably. I literally put it on Amazon. I didn't even know what I was doing. I didn't have I didn't even have a proofreader or an editor. I knew nothing. When I first did it, I was lucky a five hundred people buy it, and that was just family and fronts.

Huh.

It was after that tragic downfall. The first book I wrote was called The Connection, which I'm thankful they didn't bring up. War of the Sea was like my big hit. That was the one where I started to get recognition. So I did it terribly and realized that, like, what, am I really good at business? So go back to the drawing board, learn everything you possibly can about the publishing industry, and then let's do it again. And that's when I got picked up by my publisher.

And then things took off on the things the next swing.

Then the next swing, they started to take off. Yes, so War of the See came out that won five awards, The hunter Land series came out, that's actually optioned for TV right now.

Is that always the goal or or is it just in the back of your mind or you're like, no, I want to write the best young adult novel that I can and I don't care whether it gets picked up for TV.

No. I wrote that to market. I was like, this could go on TV tomorrow. You've got some people that write what's called beat spoke, which is outside of the box. It's not writing to market. You don't have an exact audience. But those are not the people that are looking to get picked up by a big publisher or make that into a TV show. Is it better to self publish Honestly, yes, I think so. You make a heck of a lot more money. But I think hybrid is the way to go.

Now you write I correct me if I'm wrong clean young adult? Is that what it is? It's called clean?

So I'm just about to get into that spicy romance next year.

So you're like the hallmark of young adult?

Yeah?

Like how far? Like Hallmark? They take it to a kiss in their movies. That's it? Are you guys making out in your books?

It's like heavy petty, that's like where we.

Stop over under the shirt.

Over Okay, yeah, I know, but it's going under next year because let me tell you.

Now, you write clean because you have certain family members that you don't want to upset. Is that is that partially true?

Yeah? My dad reads everything I write. So I was like, when I first wrote my first spicy book, I'm like, I can't do this. I just cannot have my father read this. But my husband came home and he was like, those spicy romance authors sure make a lot of money. I'm thinking you need to change your ways. Yeah.

I've always kind of done comedy where I know that my parents are listening. My mom's listening right now. Yeah, she's just like, why do you have to say these horrible things? But I always say, once they pass, oh the edge I'm gonna throw on this world. Oh now that's going to be so like do you do you have that in your head, like, oh, if a couple of key family members were out picture, I'm gonna write some real juice.

Yes I do. But I feel like my dad's not gonna die for a long time, so I'm just gonna have to do it now.

Let's have him around for a long time. But he's leaving a lot of money on the table.

Yeah he is. I'm telling you these when I go to these book signings and readers come up to me and they ask me like, what's your spice level? They are hungry for the spice.

What is your spice level?

I'm probably like a two or three peppers, but a five pepper is like everyone's fan favorite.

Gosh.

I mean the things that book signings that happen? Are crazy with just writing clean romance?

Do you have photos in your books?

Yes, a lot of authors are now doing that. I mean I just saw yesterday morning a cock with tentacles around it because it was a fantasy novel. It was wild. There is a book called A Court of Thorns and Roses that's fay porn. It's literally about fairies and it's fay porn and people love it. They devour it.

What level do you take take the heat back? Like? How far? I mean, does it like full?

It was so far?

If you do, I know, But if you did a five five jalapeno or whatever you is it like penetration? Are they writing about God?

Yes, in all different places, multiple times.

You know.

There's a genre called reverse harem. So it's a girl just it's like a gangbang. But it's like, okay, read it. They read it. Oh my god. People get lost in these worlds. You have no idea what these conferences are like. When readers come in, they are what the conference?

And who are these fans are? Are they questionable? Do you worry about who is some of these Hey, you're not you're not meant to be reading this book?

Oh yeah, I mean, I mean, I've had the weirdest request. I've said no toe some of them I've been like, okay, maybe, like can you sign your name and a penis next to it squirting jizz? And I'm like, I write clean romance, but okay, I'll try.

They want they want you to draw jizz. Yes, when you knew you wanted to be an author, was it always going to be in this genre?

I think so. It has the most angst. And it's like you're not dealing with the drama of like, you know, a spouse cheating on you, or like, you know, things that my age would actually have to deal with. It's like, remember when you were in high school and it was just about the person you were like madly and deeply in love with and like making the cheerleading team or the football team or I don't know, whatever you were into.

I wasn't into either.

Okay, what were you into? What would I write about if I was writing about you?

I don't know. My memory of high school is so cloudy. No, I don't know if it's revisionist or I just kind of wanted to get through it.

You know, you didn't enjoy high school.

I mean I liked it fine, and I had friends that I enjoyed, but I kind of was like, well, this isn't it. Okay. I was never somebody like, these are the best years of my life if people, if I truly believed when people said these are the best years of your life, I would have killed myself.

Oh my goodness. Okay, I could see that too. Those were not the best years of my life either.

No, No, you live in the now. Yeah, this is the best time of your life.

I'm a yoga teacher. We're all about the present.

I love it. You're married? Yeah, how long?

Five years?

Five years?

Yes? I love him?

Well, sure you should, you know, like I really love him? Uh huh. How long have you dated before you got married?

We were on our second date, where like we should get married.

Oh, that's a disaster.

But we've been together for almost seven years.

Okay, so you said it after your second date, but you didn't do it after your second day. You waited the proper amount of time two years.

Well, we know, we got engaged thirty days later, and then we waited for the wedding.

Okay, that's fine, Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Is your first marriage?

No?

How many?

Well, I've been a this is a rabbit hole. I've been proposed to a lot.

Well that's awesome.

Yeah, but it was like a runaway ride for a little bit. But then I did do wine and then we were divorced like ninety days later, So very Kim Kardashian of me didn't even count.

No, I mean it counts in the eyes of the Lord, and you'll have to deal with that at some point.

Yes, a judgment day.

All right, So you're happily married now and you really do love this guy? Oh yeah, if you don't mind. Is he older or younger than you?

I like him young. He's six and a half years younger than me, six.

And a half years younger. Yeah, that's good. I mean it's not like record breaking. No, I mean you're right, you're not dating like, you know, waiting for a kid to turn eighteen. No, No, that'd be fun.

That would although that would help with the demographics, would I write?

M Right, let's get into this Olympian Wars series. You have War of the Sea, War of the Land, and War of the Mind. Tell me where are we warring next?

No, that one's over. That's that's a trilogy, and it's done.

It's done.

It's done.

You could always do do a prequel. I could.

I love that. You know what a prequel is, what a novella is?

I know it about it seems like I'm like a seven year old. I think my son is five and knows what a prequel is. Uh, that's funny. Did you write monsters easy falling in love that could be deadly?

I think that's the tagline from my book.

It's a tagline from Hunterland, Yes it is. Did you write that tagline?

I feel like there might be a couple of words missing in there, but yes, the tagline.

Was monsters easy falling in love that could be deadly?

Yes?

Man, that's good.

Yeah that there you go. That was much better.

Silver bullets aren't enough to protect your heart?

Yeah, yep?

I could just melt what right right here? Man? You had a busy pandemic?

I sure did.

As a writer. Is spelling important?

No, there's spell check, there's editors go wild.

I can't spell it all.

We also make up a lot of words, do you yes?

Like for what?

For everything? It's fiction?

You say, just make up words.

You can make up words left and right.

Talk to me about your process, like how regimented. Are you do you wake up at four thirty every morning and start writing for six hours?

I do wake up at four thirty every morning, but not to start writing too. Are working because I own a company in the publishing industry as well?

Have a four thirty he do? What time you go to bed?

Probably around like ten?

That's not enough sleep. It's not you nap?

I do not.

You don't nap?

No, I have a lot of energy.

I love napping.

Oh well, naps are great. The Europeans do it.

I can naps like just like this, just sitting straight up. I can just close my eyes, fall asleep within three.

Minutes and your body doesn't go anywhere. No, you just stay upright.

You can. I can do it.

That's like a trick.

Yeah. How annoying are reviews?

I think they're entertaining. I once at my favorite review. It was a one star. It said this book is just two ya thank you?

You fuck with kindles?

Do I fuck with them? Like? Yeah?

I read the off of Do you like kindles?

Do you read book books?

Huh?

Do you read off kindles? No? I prefer book That's what I mean, a book book, like a physical book.

Oh I sorry, I didn't hear you say book.

Yeah. Sorry, Are you a paperback or a hardback?

Hard back?

Yeah?

I like this. I like to bend. Yeah, I like to make sure that money goes ideal.

ICP.

Does young adult come in hardcover?

Sure? Does? Okay, the spicier it is, the harder.

Just kidding, there's your tag. RN. Does the same person make the cover art for every romance novel? No, it seems very similar.

Oh because of the naked men.

I don't know just all of them.

Well no, I mean there's like cover design artists. There's like thousands of them. And now there's what's called discrete covers. So do you remember the Fabio covers from the back in Our Parents?

I know, Fabio love you love that man?

What great hair?

Well, I don't know if it's still great, but yeah, he at one point, at.

One point it was lovely. It was like a panting commercial.

I know Fabio. Sure didn't we do a bit with him? Oh? Yeah, yeah, for sure? Yeah. Okay, that's how I say I know him if they if I've worked with him one time?

I know best friends.

Were not best friend, but he seemed I get him and Kato Kaline confused very similar.

All right, Fabiah, okay, Fabia. So remember those covers, yes, So now fast forward in the present. We don't have those types of covers anymore. You have two versions of covers. You have the mail wearing nothing like no shirt, right, and then you have what's called a discrete cover, which is probably like big typography and flowers. So you get those two different types of covers.

You knew we were going here. Let's talk Fourth Wing. Where do you stand and how would you rate Iron Flame? And are you excited about Onyx Storm?

You don't even know what these books are, of course not.

I love you, it is not a clue.

Well, I think Fourth Wing changed my business, not my author career, but the business that I own, which is called the influence, because Fourth Wing's publisher decided when they launched the book that they would launch a special edition, that version, that limited version would be the first I think like fifty thousand books that they sold, and that changed the course of everything After that happened, and how popular it was. Every author under the sun wanted a.

Special edition your company that you started. It does it help other writers? It does?

Yeah?

Well, see not Pete his wife, she's a writer. Too. My wife's a writer. They both write film and television, okay, but they're always trying to write other things. Pete's wife Sam, she wrote a mystery novel that I'm told is amazing.

What is it?

Can you get it off? Get it going? Because she hasn't found the publisher. I don't know what the hang up is, but she needs help.

She needs help.

My wife wrote a poetry book. Oh and she wants help getting that published.

So that's a publishing house. What we do is we work with publishing houses and we work with authors to create special editions. And special editions are the books that have foil or sprayed edges or spot gloss uv, just some special embellishments on them, and then we produce them overseas. Because I've been an importer for China for over twenty years. Oh and that business blew up in less than six months. We're at seven figures.

Let's get into your side hustle, which is a yoga instructor. Yeah you taught oh yeah, countless amount of classes?

Oh yeah, like thirteen in a week on top of a full time job. I love teaching yoga.

Okay, let's let's get into it. How did you become a yoga instructor? You went to a class? I'm like, oh, I could do this.

No, my dad actually owned fitness clubs. When I was little. I was like this three year old like climbing on the adductor and abductor machines that just loved the gym. And then when I came out to LA, started to get more into yoga, and I was like bitching on my dad about how expensive it is, and he was like, just go teach then it'll be free. I was like, huh, I'm a public speaker. When did you move to LA twenty thirteen?

All right, so you went to a class. What class did you go to? Do you remember?

Yeah? I will never forget how date yoga? Bar class on a second date?

Where is it?

How date yoga? In Santa Monica? And I took a bar class on a date, which is like not the best thing to do on a date. I don't know, yeah, just like real sweaty you know.

I've never been to a yoga class.

Oh that's going to change. Yes, I'm bringing you. I've had to drag you by your ears. It could be your thing, you don't know.

Yeah, I had one of my family members of my wife's family members. It was a yoga instructor and she taught us at the house.

But there was no heat.

Oh no, I don't do but hold on it. Let me just point out some things that I remember hating. Okay, go ahead, like she says, Okay, now, lay on your favorite side. I'm like, what what the fuck are you? That was a lot of I don't have a favorite side. What does that mean? My favorite side?

Oh?

I love this side.

Well, it's supposed to be energy, right, I know I don't like.

You don't like that.

You don't like that talk? Okay, Well, I'm very like I do high energy yoga classes like yoga sculpt, So there's no like. You know, your feelings are?

What what's good? I don't like the feelings.

I don't have time for that. We need to tell me.

About the temperature for hot yoga.

What is it?

What's well? I don't mind.

What temperature will get you in the class? No, I don't know, all right, Like one.

Ten, that's the temperature?

One oh five?

No, what's the percentage in your classes versus a guy girl?

Just out of curiosity, I have a lot of guys in my classes.

I don't like smell. Well, right, I hate smell. I hate if I smell someone, I'm just like, ah, you could move. I hate hearing noises, so you hate living. I don't like people looking at me. I don't like to look at other people teach.

I teach at sweat, and there's no lights and no mirrors. You don't see anybody. That's worse.

I don't know. It just seems gross. People are touched.

I'm telling you, I've had a lot of famous people in my class.

I am sure, who's some of the famous people.

Oh, well, Vince Vaughn is lovely. He's just a lovely man. But he is really terrible at yoga. I think it's because he's so big.

He is huge.

He is a tall man doing yoga.

Sure, he's a tall man, but he's also a trumper.

I had my high school crush once in class.

Oh why did make me saying trumper? Make you think of that?

I don't know. I was like, how do I shift gears?

Wait, your high school crush in one of your classes? I did? Did he did he come looking to rekindle?

No? No, no, I mean, like you know, he was like a famous person. I had a crush on what I was.

Sorry, that's my fault.

Yeah, I think that might of mine.

What was what was your? Who was you high school?

Ryan Felipe?

Oh yeah, are you kidding me? Cruel Intentions?

Yes, I'm telling what right, like the best movie.

And when they didn't when they in real life, when their relationship didn't.

Work out, it was so sad, I know.

But now that but now they're kids, they're just like identical.

Versions of kids are identical. It's clone like almost it is.

That's soundtrack of Cruel Intentions. I could just listen to that forever.

One of the best movies, hands down.

I don't think you're going to get anyone to argue with you.

Oh man, so does that mean you might try one on my yoga clues? Oh? So? There was no convincing in any of.

This at all. I don't want to. Okay, can you do crazy poses?

Not in this out of it.

But yeah, I'm almost fifty and my son I go to his break dancing class.

He's five any dances?

Yeah, yeah, I love that. Yeah. So anyway, in his class and they're doing this pose where they're you know, they're ciphering, and he's teaching them different freestyle moves. But then they do this one thing and all the dads are watching this, and I'm like, I can do that. And I just went out.

There and I did it better than your five year old.

No way better than my five year old, but not as good as the instructor. But like I held it, I held a position. It was pretty impressive.

So you could do Yoga's what I hear.

Well, yeah, but I can also just fucking stretch on my own.

Okay, So you do like stretching, No, I don't.

Like it, but I'll do it, okay. And when I get massages, I tell them to incorporate stretching, all.

Right, so you don't have to do it on your own.

That's lazy. That's only I know. It is so much better though, Okay. I give everybody's on the show a gift. Okay, okay, but the gifts are just stuff that I find around my house that I don't want.

How thoughtful of you.

Well, And it started out as a way to get rid of stuff, and now it's it's still.

That I am excited.

Okay. The first thing I'm giving you it's an old journal that I don't that I didn't only use like three pages. These are notes from the Goat. I was at reality TV show I hosted, and I only wrote three pages of notes, So I'll get rid of those. Those you don't get those are from the goat.

That was the most valuable part of the gifts.

This is a book. It's this art. This is a local artist. As to my sweetheart. We have some of his pieces in our house. But he writes like uh, like I don't know, he reads like cute things, like he writes on skateboards, and but they're always like little love letters, a little tiny little lover.

Yeah, you'll like you really want to part with them.

Well, I have some of his art in my house, and but like it's just random stuff. There's some cute stuff and there. You'll like that.

I love that.

Now, this next gift, it's to give it to some of your your your horny fans. Okay, legally you probably can't do it, but I don't care, Okay, because I had to asect me no, so my wife doesn't need any more birth control, so I just got all of her birth control. You just can give this to your fans.

I think they would love that. Signs.

I don't know if you're legally allowed to give birth control away, but we.

Give condoms away as gifts.

Well, birth control is a little different. But I just want I.

Just want to And they could be expired.

They're definitely expired, Okay, so not usable. No, I think I think it's been proven that expired medicine still works.

I agree with you.

Okay, now get that off my desk, please.

It's lovely.

You're going to want to give that to people so much.

I've never been given something, so consider it before.

Well, I just think you're making these kids all horned up, and especially in the world we live in now, where you're gonna have to put that on the floor. I don't want that on the desk. The dog don't. My dog can't get pregnant either. But you know, in a world where women's bodies are always a topic, and I just want to make sure that you know I.

Do my trend.

I do my part to keep them from having an unwanted pregnancy.

Yeah. Well, and I will tell you that all these spicy books do practice safe sex inside of them.

Ah, you talk about putting condoms.

They do, They do that a lot.

Yeah, that's awful. Nobody's ever raw dog in it.

In the bow, but like they make it very clear why they're raw dogging it. Like everyone's gotten tested, Like.

Talk about a boner kill unless it's the pages of this boner kill?

Do I have to get through fantasy? There's no whole bar because it's fantasy. So if like they're banging you with testicles or like, you know, octopus whatever, you should read some of these fantasy books. It's not just normal, you know, anatomy of the human that gets in there.

Oh man, I don't know how I am I gonna read with one hand?

Challenge balance challenge.

Yeah, you have a gift for me.

I do. I have a bunch so bunch. I wanted you to see all walks in my life, so I figured I would show you. This is what a special edition books looks like.

Oh my, just look at this?

Is that fun?

Oh my goodness, this looks like it's devil worshiping stuff.

Devil Worshiping that's the first book in the series. And this is the second book in the series. And this is one that's option for TV.

This is Honor Lore, a deadly dance between predator and prey.

Would you like to hear a full circle story about this though. The way I got picked up was teaching a yoga class. The writer was in my class. Well, so I thought that was very cool. That was a full circle. We just did a full circle.

I thought it was a way to like get me into yoga.

No oh, I got that ready.

Olivia, Chapter thirteen, knowing Liam and Jack were going after a vamp nest while my father and agent Hunter were research sheep.

This would you like to narrate one of my books?

All right?

Well, I tried.

That seems like a lot of I don't want this Shit't there?

You're getting it?

God, damn it.

It's everything you need for a class.

You've got all of your This is not everything you need made in China. Oh, you keep trying to act like you and China are in good hoots. Next time you come take my doesn't feel like it's that ground. Is this good? Is this good quality? It feels a little light.

You know what. It's free, It's all free swag. You got it. Okay, I've got one more gift for you.

Let's see. Let's see it.

The one that I think is the most important that it is a stuffed penis.

It's a tiny, little choke.

It's his tiny, durable so wise, so he's worthy.

Is that your fantasy?

I think this, No, it's definitely not.

By the way in your books, are you going always uh circumcised? Oh I don't actually, well again, yeah, you need to get in that because I gar right now in our country we're almost fifty fifty to fifty on new kids. So as these kids age in to your genre.

We want to make feel everyone feel welcome.

That's what I'm saying. Throwing a few uh uh an if you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, So that is the most interesting thing that I've ever signed. So I love stuffed animal. You signed this, well, I haven't signed yours, but I can always do that. But at book signing by these, the readers by them, and they are brand new one. It's a brand new just for you, all right, maybe maybe Carl can play with it. Point is that those are some of the things that I get at book signings to sign.

Anybody ever ask you to sign their actual hog.

No, there's not a lot of men at these signings.

These are women are walking Dick's.

Oh God, or like dick picks and asking you to sign the dick Picks. Asking you to draw them.

To show somebody else a photo of a penis. It feels like that's a form of assault on some level.

Sometimes it feels like that. Sometimes it feels like that. Fans are fun.

Thanks for thanks for my stuff. Penis. Who's going to get this my new pig?

Oh, it's perfect.

You've ever seen a pig penis?

No?

Oh?

Is it something to write about?

Oh? It's so disturbing. All right, So I got a tiny seven pound pig right now?

You already got the pig.

Yeah, I've had it. Okay, okay, but when their penis comes out, it's long, thin, and it has a drill bit at the end of it, like a pencil, yes to like go into the earth.

Okay, okay, stop.

Look at the penis.

Real.

I know it's so disgusting. Oh no, I know. I didn't know this. And you guess are you ready for this? This is right up your alley. Female pigs orgasm for thirty minutes. Shut up, Well you would do if this corkscrew is going in you look at the tip of it.

Stop it. Why does it do that? I don't know it went from street to that.

No, No, it's it's that's the end of it. The end is always shaped like that.

Oh my god, you can.

See the coils into the soil down.

Oh my god.

Yeah, it's disgusting. Oh, I know, I'll be honest with you. I don't know if I would, I might have taken him back had I known that that was the.

Pain you get a female pig.

Great question. We wanted to.

Oh, and there just wasn't any of mine was.

This one was the one that we needed to take.

I'm sorry.

My wife just brought it home.

Did she know about that though? What happened when she found out?

She's repulsed? Repulsed and it sprays. It's man seamen all over you, and it stinks to high heaven for you constantly when you pick it up and startle it.

Yeah, when it frightens again, because it's.

No, it doesn't get hard. It just sprays. It's it's something that pigs do. It's just a spray, and it stinks, it's rancid. But you have to get the neutered at like ten weeks, because they reached full sexual maturity between six and ten weeks.

And you got yours too late.

Yeah, it's already been eleven weeks he's twelve weeks old now or so, but we're gettinghim nuted next week.

Can you still do that?

Yeah? I know, yeah, and they'll take out a smell gland or something that's in there. I'm told I'm worried sick about this.

Has your child seen it?

Yeah? My kids play with it constantly. Not the penis the pick God?

Okay good.

I was like, I don't know what to say. What's your favorite holiday?

Christmas? Yes? I love Christmas?

Do you ever you ever have Christmas as a backdrop to one of your novels?

No?

What about a seasonal young a young adult?

I could, but like they're not in school during that time, so it would be like more of like an outside school. Most of my stuff is like around the school year. But I will tell you this. I have a house in Florida, and the house in Florida is Christmas twelve months a year.

What haacky neighbors?

No, like not on the outside on the outside.

Oh even weirder. That's terrifying.

Are you kidding? What's your favorite holiday?

Christmas? By a mile?

Okay, then how come you don't love my house in Florida?

Because I have real rules about Christmas.

Would tell me your rules.

Okay, my rules are we don't start celebrating. We don't play Christmas music until the day after Halloween. Thanksgiving Fuck Thanksgiving. Okay, we did those Indigenous people dirty. We did out. We prep for Christmas all the way till Christmas. We're very excited about. We play tons of Christmas music. That's all we play basically after the thirty first of October. But yeah, and then and then once Christmas is done, it's done.

Wait, so, like, when do you take down your tree?

Well, okay, this is I'm going to sound like the elitist, but we go to Tahoe and that's where we decorate.

Okay, I don't think that's it.

Right, So whenever I leave, whether it's January first or January tenth, that's when everything goes down.

Let me ask you this, Do you take it down or do you have somebody take it down?

I take it down.

It's impressive.

Yeah, but the tree. I fight my wife Ony, well because I only get a six foot tree.

Are you kidding? Do you have cathedral ceilings?

Yeah, there's the high ceilings.

Then you should be having like a high footer.

Well, here's what ready for this?

All right.

Tell me if you tell me i'm your wife, I feel like I'm a genius on this one.

I'll be the judge.

Okay. I have this large coffee table that we use that we put the tree on. That gives a tree two and a half feet now, hold on. It makes it so much easier to display gifts all around it because you don't have this clearance. Now you have this clearance, so there's just presence, and you can layer the presence on the coffee table. And the floor is that dangerous?

Like is it gonna wabble off the car?

It's a totally secure, happy, big base for the tree. Real tree. Uh you know Douglas fir So. Now it's eight feet right, and it's you got the big star on top of it. We don't go angel she wants she wants a bigger tree. But then it's like now it's in a hallway at the top of a staircase with big ceilings. It's it's hard to walk by it. If you go bigger, I get the height, but then I don't have to have the width, and I still have all the room for presidents.

The width is also nice. If you have the height without the width. Doesn't it kind of look Fuck. I'm just saying she might have a point.

Nah, I mean she has a point, but it's just I just don't think you're giving me enough credit for the coffee tae thing, because it really does change the game. Even if you were to do an eight foot tree, I would recommend putting it on a table for the layering of presents. It just looks nice layering of the presents.

I actually kind of.

Lean the depth from the bottom branch. You're getting this much clearance on most trees watering it you reach in, you can put a picture in there to get to the water.

I'd have to see it. I don't know. I'm not convinced based on this. We'll get her a flight.

You're coming to Dana. Thank you for being on the show.

You're very welcome.

Thanks for having my pleasure. So hot in here now.

Hot and bothered from all the throbbing.

So much throbbing, Pasha, I want to thank Dana for being on the show. I can't wait to rip into one of her books tonight. They're ripping in the terrain. They're ripping in the terrain. Now is the election or are the results in? Not yet? No, nope, you're telling me with one percent in it's too early to call. Well, listen, it's not too late for me to publicly endorse one of the candidates for president of the United States. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm still on