My Favorite Florida Gator - Chandler Parsons

What about playing when you're back in Houston playing with an old ball hog?

Was that fun? James Harden? I love playing with James Huh, he was great. I got nothing about it. Yeah, I just wanted to call the.

Ball Pasha pshah.

Tosh show show.

Hello everyone, it's me Daniel Tosh. Where are my dogs at? Guys, you wouldn't know it just by looking at me. But I'm less than twenty four hours away from having my first colonoscoby, and I'm going to give you all the information once I go through the procedure. But let me tell you what I've learned so far. A colonoscoby is

So where do you think I went for my final meal? Like a good Italian meal, A good.

Italian that oh, that would have been my second choice. I went to a Dodger game. Yeah, just fueled up on everything. Nothing cleans out my colon, like seven plus innings at Chavez Ravine.

But today today it's Chandler Parsonds. Chandler Parsons.

So I do research for our guests before we come on, and I'm I was researching him. And if you research Chandler Parsons, you know a former NBA player, uh got into a bad car accident. You'll find out all about it. But anyway, the questions on there, like the first thing come like where did he play college? Where did he play in the NBA? Then the third thing, why did Chandler lose his job? And I'm like, what what is

And I just and I'm fascinating.

But today, today I'm going to take probably a different approach because this is someone that I don't want to come across in a positive way because my wife finds him very attractive, and I know there's nothing I could do about it. Like if he's like, you know what, I want your wife, I'd be like, oh shit, I guess she's yours.

Now I don't because she.

Already likes you, and there's nothing I can do to him physically, you know, Chandler, Like, he's so much bigger than you realize. You think, oh, you were just a six six guy in the NBA, but then you're like, oh you were six eight, and then you touch him and you're like, oh you're You're pretty solid. It's not good. Hopefully he's not interested. He's happily married with children, so

Enjoy Pasha.

Today in the studio, we have a tall, handsome, rich, athletic, absolute stud of a man with a twelve inch long who has banged hundreds of women. We also have my guest former NBA player and TV commentator Chandler Parks.

I take that that was better than I expected. Well done. Let me tell you something about that intro.

Last night, I'm writing down what I'm going to say, and I call my wife over and I say hey, which is funnier implying that I've banged hundreds of women or that I have a smoking hot wife, And she goes banging hundreds of women?

Wow? And then she walked away married the right You married the right one, Chandler. Do you believe in ghosts? Now? Okay? I do? To you me? Yeah?

Oh yes, big into ghosts, love shows about ghosts.

Really no if I can do any of that stuff.

You're from Florida, born and raised in Orlando, Florida. Are Orlando but not I'm from I say Orlando. I was born in winter Park. That also sounds fast it is. I grew up in Castlebury, which is a real white trash.

I'm from Titusville, so whoa yeah, yeah, see, I grew up in Castlebury.

I went to Lake Howe High School.

It's like the not nice part of winter Park, the Seminole County, not Orange. Your parents still together, Yeah, they're still in Florida. They're still in Florida where they moved to Winter Springs.

I got them up out of the hood when I got my big deal, So you paid for it.

Yeah, I got my parents out of Titusville, send them down to merrit Island beautiful.

Uh huh. Do you go back a lot?

No, we actually did a think we have two kids now, huh, and we would alternate Christmases and now I have a daughter that's two and a half in the sum of six months, and last year was the first year we were like hey, like it was like a serious conversation, like I don't know how to like We're going to do Christmas here in La from now and like when they're like, oh, this year, and I was.

Like no, like forever now.

So now like besides like literally like a wedding or a funeral, I won't go back then.

Isn't it nice to be from Florida and hit it big and then never go back.

Yeah, that shop sailed. I'm out of there.

I have to go back constantly, mainly because I use it as a tax shelter.

Yeah, how about you. I used to do that. So when I played.

When I played, I claim because I bought my parents a house and I claimed residency there. A couple of loopholes had the cellphone bill sent there, so I used to always do that. And then I lived in California, like my third year in the NBA California to get their money, and my last year and my big deal, they made me pay taxes in California, and it was that's.

A that's a big hit. Yeah, that was devastating. What's your actual height? For real?

So all NBA players sly, I'm probably six eight and a half. But then come combine, come tube, socks, ankles taped. I was measured at six ' ten, which is kind of bullshit.

I'm six four. What would I be listed at in the year six four?

You would definitely be like a six seven shooting guard.

Oh yeah, I can't shoot, though.

If you're white in the NBA, you gotta be able to shoot. That's all we got it. That's all we got.

I could jump, really, I could always jump, even back in like high school, like two solid jumps, Like all right, that's it for the day.

It would fit today's load management. That's all you gotta do.

We do that here on this podcast. Some interviews I'm hysterical. Some interviews load management. Yeah, fucking take your day. You went to the University of Florida. Now you went there the year after they had won back to back national champions and then you brought the program.

Screeching halt NIT Tournament.

Yeah, congratulations, Square Garden Bright Lights. I've never watched one minute of an NIT Tournament game, have.

You, Eddy, Yeah, you do watch them, it's on.

I can't watch it. Every time it's on. I'm like, oh, oh shit, this isn't the tournament.

It's not dope, especially going from me, especially going from back to back.

We also had the number one recruiting class.

So like we're in high school and I'm watching Billy d and Joe keeping these guys and they're on top of the world. We go in there with all these high expectations thinking we could just do what they did.

And we we sucked. We weren't good.

Billy literally kicked us out of the practice facility. There was a time where he wouldn't let us wear anything with a Gator logo on it. So I would practice and like we was like at a high school gym, like beu Holtz High School in Gainesville. We would literally practice there because he wouldn't let us practice in the facility. He wouldn't let us wear gator like warm ups and jumpsuits around campus.

Seem that might have affected your psyche. It was. Yeah, it was took a toll, but it was, dude, it was. It was a rough time.

You were there during Tim Tebow. How much overlap three years? Do you ever attend any Tim Tebow prayer circles while you were there?

No, didn't do that.

What about a hate speech event from Riley Cooper?

Definitely? Was there real real mixed bag on that football team? How about that?

And by the the whole swamp King's documentary like it was, it was pretty good, but they left out like ninety percent of the juicy, like the juicy shit on.

Imagine, how many chicks do you think Tim Tebow banged while claiming to be a virgin at Florida?

You know what, banged zero And that's apparently the truth. Now the other stuff lost interest. I think you got six blowjobs?

Okay, Well, speaking of blowjobs, my wife overlapped with you at Florida. Oh boy, she was on Riker Hall and there was there was a girl apparently famous for just dole in those bjs and just down the hall from her, And she said, oh, weekly, I mean I don't. I don't want to drop names like Joe Kim Novah's there every week, sometimes twice a week, depending on if they're stressful. She would just say it was just nonsense. Now she won't tell me your name.

Hold on, let me let me just see if she'll answer.

She said, she I can't tell your name, you'll say it on ear. And she's like a super Christian.

Now are you calling your wife? Yeah, we'll see if she'll answer.

Oh gosh, you know you do when they don't answer you FaceTime call because that ring is different.

Maybe it's a service thing. No, it just rings to it rings louder even when it's silent.

See, I think it's an emergency and we're just trying to figure out who sucked everyone's dick.

Florida.

I think something is majorly Wrott, like who is the jack that blue joking?

Nine? Three? What time is that?

I'll try I'll try it, I'll get back, we'll circle back. We will definitely circle back to that. Were you a maniac in college.

Complete maniac, I probably would have been a higher draft pick after my junior year. But I just loved college and I went back for my senior year and I just I loved it too, Like I love Florida. I loved going to other you know, sports events.

Were you a fan of Urban Meyer? Loved Urban Meyer? Still talk to him to this day. I like him too. He's great.

I did a show when he was coaching at Ohio State. Yeah, he comes to the show, ask if he can meet me, comes backstage. It's weird to see an older man and I don't know how old he is, but have an older than him entourage. Yeah, like these weird booster dudes just all hanging out with him.

And he couldn't have been sweeter to me.

I told my wife that she went there when he won his back to back and he was all talking about everything. And then she goes, oh, he used to take plot or cycling or something from your wife. Taught a class in games, the workout class. He calls miss you know all these stupid Southern coaches call their wives Miss Cowarley or whatever, and Miss Shelley calls, gets her on speaker him here, she took your class.

I'm like, this guy could have been nicer. Yes, oh what a good guy he was.

And they were on top of the world, right, and he was winning the championships. So every year he would do this thing where he took one athlete from each sport mm hmmm and did.

Because of t boat like a retreat and like his lake house. Uh huh.

Every year he would pick me from the basketball team and like I didn't know him yet, but like we hadn't hung out. Now we like hang out in the

He's always been cool as fun.

What was that tournament he just won the justin Timberlake eight am classic.

That was in Vegas.

Did you ask him about about uh playing the guitar while Brittany was having a miscarriacter?

Yeah, yeah, I brought it up. Yeah, that was next to the first thing. I. Oh, you played golf at all? Or No, I grew up playing golf. I don't play.

We got to get you out there. No, I don't like you. It's too much time. That's why it's awesome. From everything.

No, I'd rather be home. Yeah, I'm like one of these people.

You're a better father than I. You know what? Gun my head? I bet I am. But here's the thing.

I probably do what you're supposed to do in a marriage fifty percent of the work. But I feel like at fifty percent, there should be a statue in my honor. Oh for sure, because I'm like I'm always just like, look at.

What I've done.

Oh I do ten and there is a statue, there is this.

Yeah you got Yeah, you're not doing it right?

All right, So you got married. I'll talk about wives for a second. Yeah, who has a hotter wife? You or Al Horford?

Ooh, I think my wife is a total babe.

Sure. Al Horford's wife is also a total babe, and I guess it's a preference, all right.

I want people to start looking up Al Horford's way. You're not gonna You're not gonna stop there.

Your wife is a twin.

Yeah, so yeah, she's got an identical twin.

I may have told this story once before, but doesn't matter if I have. In Titusville, when I was on Squire's Drive, I lived across the street from a kid. He was younger than me, and his mom and dad seemed happy enough. His mom dies, and this is like when I'm a kid, but I was old enough to remember this. I was probably twelve or thirteen. She was

And it was almost like just life just went on, just kept it moving. I mean, that was weird. My daughter, uh huh, she knows the difference in mom. It's good.

But yeah, I think if there was a situation where we need to buy a little switch arooo, I think I don't think they'd miss a beat.

There's some DNA thing where she's more my daughter's mom than my.

Brother is my daughter's dad because of the whole twin thing.

Does your wife does she like get on you about?

Never? She's she's the coolest ses.

I swear That's why I initially like fell in love with she was she was never like a jealous type.

Never.

When I first met her, I was reckless, I was despicable. She knew everything about me. I was like, first go I'd never had to lie to It was like it was, I don't know, it's felt good to be honest. And finally like it was so it was like kind of like an open thing. Like the first couple of months, I would go out, I would not call her. I call her next day, I tell her what happened. She'd make fun of me, she'd call me gross, and then I'd like, you know, I would just.

Started off like that super friends casual.

And then it got to that point where I could see it was like affecting her, And it got to the point where like I was like I could see I'm hurting her, and I was, you know, getting real feelings for her. And then it's got some point where I just didn't want to do that anymore and wanted to be committed to her.

Speaking, which I could call my wife again. So she not called back.

Oh she's called back twice. Let me see she'll pick up this time.

How much that watch cost? Fuck? What do you think she's doing? Sleeping with Pierre? God? Damn Pierre? How How rock solid is your prenups? That's long? You know, it's crazy?

Her her family, they have a huge trash company in California called Harrison Trash Taley Harrison. So they kind of brought the prenup to me. I was like, Oh, this is fucking beautiful. So her inheritance separate my contracts, separate everything we do since we're married.

Do people have to pass away for her to get her bag? Or is this like tricking that there's a couple of bite the dust here? But do you get along with your in laws?

Yeah?

They're they're great.

They're you know, big sports fans, love like the Dodgers, love Dad, loves like cars and basket like.

He's super easy to get along with. Does your size intimidate them? Yeah a little bit. I told your wife five eight, she's tall too.

Yeah, our kids are gonna be monsters or they might not be.

No, but see a kid and they'll be like, how is your daughter? Like four? And I'm like, she's one, Like it's almost weird, it's uncomfortable. Oh man, But there weren't.

They were like nine nine pounds, like twenty three inches, Like they weren't like crazy.

I have a brother, Chase. He was like twelve pound baby. He was insane. How tall is your brother? So I have three. I'm the tallest. They're like six four, sixty five, and sixty seven. They're all big.

If you guys went in a fight against the the what is it the Djokitch brothers, Well there's.

Only two, well three of them three? You think you could take them with the four?

I got one brother, Chris. He's a little he's he's a slippery fella.

I think.

Team sports. I've never gotten into playing them. I've always enjoyed watching them. You seem like a well educated person. How many times can you listen to a coach and give two shits what they're saying?

It's tough.

I mean, how many speeches can you how many adjustments can be made before you're like, I get it.

We need to score more points. Yeah, Like that's what's tough, especially now in the NBA too, it.

Coaches they get fired all the time, and it's like they're not the fucking ones missing the shots. They're not the ones getting blown by on defense. We know what we're supposed to do. I think coaches now, especially in the NBA, it's all it's all managing egos, it's all substitutions and rotations.

It's I think it's the worst shot.

I would never I'd much rather this side of it, where media and I can talk shit about them doing what they're doing wrong.

Okay, you were the thirty eighth pick of the twenty eleven NBA draft of the Houston Rockets. Did you know that your points per game average ranks you twelfth from that class at twelve point seven, assist rank eleventh at two point seven, rebounds thirteenth at four point five, you are number nine, and the plus minus at one point one. I only bring it up to remind Houston they got a first round or in the second round. Yeah, and also to show how much I love analytics.

Yeah. I love that. Sounds like I should have been a much higher pick.

What about playing when you're back in Houston playing with old ball Hog?

Was that fun? James Harden playing with James. Huh, he was great.

I got nothing about it. Yeah, I just wanted to call the ball is Michael Jordan Anthony Edward's father?

I see this. There was rumors that Jimmy Butler was sucking his son a couple of years ago. Nah, I don't think so.

You made more than Michael Jordan in the NBA. Do you ever bring that up to people?

Nah, but that's awesome. I didn't. I didn't off the court though.

Do you feel that playing in the NBA is appropriating black culture?

Yeah? You know, I will talk.

About It's funny because the whole race thing. Obviously, I'm a minority in the NBA. And you'll even see it where they'll be like I would dunk in a game and the announcer would be like, holy shit, like deceptively athletic from Parsons, And then like Kevin Durant would do the same thing and they'd be like, wow, look at the length on him, and I'm like, the fuck, I just did the same thing.

Why am I deceptive? You're deceptive? Yeah? That just comes with it. But now there's so many Europeans, Yeah that doesn't count. Do you count?

Like like when people talking about White, and I'm like, I can't claim like, we can't claim Dirk.

We don't get yo, get you, we get like JJ Reddick right, like he's.

Ours the real Honkys. Yeah, you played for Mark Cuban. Did you ever try to get on a shark tank and pitch him any ideas?

You know what during COVID I was going to now after my career, I was going to go and be like the celeb one, you know, like they think a fifth one over And it never happened because of COVID ever.

But he's every investment I've ever done.

Since I've stopped playing for him, I shoot him an email and within twenty minutes he'll respond, ask these questions.

He's fantastic when it comes to that shit. He really is. He's been a nice.

N ninety percent of time. When he says I'll pass tough market or whatever, I'll pass. And if I've invested in fifteen things, fourteen of them, fifteen of them, he said, good idea, do it.

He's he's great when it comes to that. Would you consider yourself were you injury prone or no? I was never hurt my entire life.

My third year in the NBA fell chip cartilage of my knee, and from then it was just fucking chaos. I had seven surgeries in nine years, like but it was all stem from that one microfracture surgery, which not many people came back from the beginning. But once that happened, I was never the same.

If it happened today, is the surgery already that much better now?

It is Like Patrick Beverley, he had the same surgery like three or four years ago, He's still playing. Basically, there's a huge there's a hole I have, like a hole my knee, and they try and fill it and drill in it and put a bunch and it just it doesn't it doesn't work. Like I'm thirty five. I need ney replacement already. Double Are you going to do that?

Huh, you don't plan to make it for thirty more years. It's a long time. I'm on a slippery slope.

By the way, in Memphis, while you were in Memphis, did you did you worry that like every time you ate barbecue that somebody's gonna shit in your food.

Or get shot. That's correct. Memphis is a fun down. No, it's it's the best. The place sucks.

Oh. I was the most money I ever made, and it was the most miserable I ever was for How long were you there?

Three years? Three years in Memphis? Like the whole city smells like barbecue sauce. It's fucking danger. There's nothing to do at night.

I would talk about you drive down to Tunica, Yeah, to the casino.

Yeah, dude. I would drive to Nashville. I skipped. I go straight to Nashville. Nashville is nice, yeah, but it was not for me.

People always, you know, the normal people in the world feel no sympathy for you. But I think that travel. I can't even wrap my head around what you guys do. The travel is not bad.

It's because you're young.

But when do you think about think about Popovich doing that travel?

Yeah, but you're I mean you're tired. But like you're flying private, you're staying at private car private? What kind of private seven forty seven? Big private play?

Can you can?

Everybody have their own bed like a lay flat, and then there's like poker tables and stuff, and then you check into the hotel.

No, you go and your key, they give you your key.

Course, I know, I know, but you but you have to go. And you're doing it at night right.

Usually like yeah, after a game, if it's a back to back, it sucks. You're getting in at one two am and you're playing at seven pm the next night.

You're tired.

But again, at the end of the day, you sleep and they're you're not paying for anything. There's trainers and messuses and everything there.

You're talking to the people here and make on their side. I'm not.

I'm like, Nope, wouldn't do it. I mean, Mett, I love playing basketball. Uh do I want to play twice a week?

Fuck no. But that's the worst part.

Now that I'm retired and now when I travel and find my family, I'm like, damn, this isn't free.

I gotta pay for this ship. I gotta And that's that sucks. Yeah, that's why you mess up.

See, Like as a comic, I get to still be like, oh, guess what we're going to do a show here? Yeah, and it's like, now I'm going to offset this whole expense. Yeah, Atlanta, You're there how long before the accident happened three months by the way, Who was the driver and I didn't I didn't.

Catch his name. It was a man, it was It was.

Basically this fifty six show guy I lived at home. Third, d U I third? Do you complete junkie?

Well, I mean usually after three if you figure things out. How's he doing? I think he's in the slammer?

Is he?

I mean? Fuck, he should be, Well, of course he should be. Yeah, you don't know. I haven't checked in of them.

You've never you've never had like the like I'm gonna sit down with him and forgive this now.

We I had like this whole lawsuit thing, and there was this whole thing where I basically had to choose whether I was going to play or make a lot of money from the insurance company.

And so I went to this whole thing. He had insurance, He had no fucking insurance. Well what insurance companies? You suit? My own your own insurance? You suit them? Yeah? Are you still with them as a company? You are? Yeah? I mean they have billions of art. I didn't get that much for the Yeah, they kept me around. You you signed with this is this is fascinating to me.

Uh, your lawyers were Morgan and Morgan. They're Florida guys and they even went to UF.

And the father, John Morgan, went to high school with my parents.

Okay, I went to Park High School. I didn't know they were anything.

I just thought they were ambulance chasers when I was a kid growing up, because I'd see their commercials and I.

Think that's what they started as. And they do all the corny commercials for the people. But now they're just now they're now, they're here, now, they're everywhere, right, and they're like worth multiple billions.

It's crazy. That's my first call, all right.

And speaking of ambulance chasers, then, I actually during my case, I literally did a commercial for them, which is pathetic. I had like I was, so they took me golfing first in Orlando. I get wasted. My hair was like blonde from Cojella and I did a commercial for Morgan Morgan. I need you to look it up. Uhh, to cut my like to save money on my fees. So I now was like a mascot from Morgan and Morgan.

Now you can't tell us the amount, but who made you more? Morgan Morgan or Memphis.

Memphis because it was for three, it was it was all right, Yeah.

Well I didn't I didn't know what kind of number they were thrown around.

I mean, like I'm sure Morgan and Morgan were saying this guy was going to be the next you know, Michael Jordan had he just had a few more years.

In the league. Yeah you could.

Yeah, how long was your actual physical recovery.

From the accident? Six months to like a year?

But like it's scared when you're fucking when you're deal with the brain, Like I would literally like that'd be scenarios where I would like forget shit and I would like say the wrong thing. I would stutter and I'm like, like that that actually has happened, that wasn't happening before.

Are you fully recovered? Yeah?

I think So what car were you driving? It's tacky to say Rolls Royce.

Are they good in accidents? I mean things a god damn cruise ship. Yeah, I mean that's I guess that's the good thing.

Yeah, they cut the ambulance said that if I was in a smaller car or something like, I would.

Have been So you're telling me that buying a Rolls Royce.

Safe saved your life, dude, life saver. Ah, that's that's that should be your sponsor.

Right instead of Morgan? For the people, I mean, how many more years did you really have three tops?

Because my knees, my knees are your knees were your knees aren't because of the accident.

No, I've been They didn't bring Morgan, and Morgan didn't bring that up. Defense did it was a strong defense. We screaming.

By the way, it's very humbling. You're just sitting in this like fucking meeting, and this one your lawyers are telling basically like your brain is fried. The other one's saying, how you suck at basketball?

You're done? Anyway? Like what the fuck did I do? I get hit by a drug try? Or why have I just getting shit on here left and right?

Okay, So now in a healthy space, are you one of these people like I wouldn't I wouldn't have it any other way?

Or would you rather that not have happened?

No, I wish I would not have happened because I was healthy and I was planning on playing. I was about to be a free agent because my contract was up to so I was Gonna. I was thirty one years old, so I'd know I'd rather be playing back.

Okay, so you didn't make enough money to be like, no, it's worth it to go out there.

No, I did, but I was still rather not go through that. I know I will see.

Like you know, my contract over at Comedy Central was potentially terminated wrongfully with like five years left on it when the pandemic happened, And now looking back on the situation, I wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah, I would much rather get paid and not work.

Yeah, That's what I did for three years of Memphis, which is why I'm like ben Laden in that town.

I can't go back there.

Right, But you're saying that you you would rather play basketball than get hay to not pay play basketball.

I end up doing fucking commercials for them instead of playing back.

But that's because you had a head injury, as because I should be able to sue them a little bit.

They should they played me. They'so an advantage they could. It's an advantage of a concussed kid.

How many times are you wearing a pair of shoes in the NBA?

Are they brand new? No? Not branded? They're always broken in.

You change your shoes like once a week. Once a week, Yeah, you always you kind of give them in and out. You want to have a little wear and tear on them. But then once they kind of give a little bit, you'd switch them out.

What if you're on the bench, What if you don't play, you still think there's got a lot they got a lot more life.

Then okay, yeah, but you're still practicing with them, you're still shoot around. Then if you're not playing, that means you're actually practicing. I'm working harder than the guys that are actually playing. So it's it's you still got to change them out.

Who was your shoe sponsor?

I was all over, I was Nike, and then I was a Didas, Then I went Chinese?

Are you still Chinese? No? No? Do you have a shoe sponsor? Still?

No?

You ever?

Have you ever old sneakers from from like the eighties ninth they're so heavy, they're awful.

I can't imagine when do.

You watch these cats playing like Chuck Taylor's and stuff.

At least those were lights, even.

Like the Jordan's Like I can't play in like Jordan elevens or like that. They're saying they're so chunky, and.

You are you have a stupid shoe collection. I do.

I have a lot of shoes, but like I just I don't wear them like I don't wear them like all the high top Jordan like ones and fours and elevens.

I love those back in the day. I'm not gonna like wear them out. I'm not into I mean, I have a ton of shoes, but yeah, big, what do you like? You're like dunks? What you're like like Nike dunks? What do you got? What are you dealing with? I wear fendy. Oh you bougie bitch? What are you making? Huh off?

This?

You still doing any modeling? No?

I remember driving down losiena guy. I would be going to the comedy clubs at night to work out my material, and I saw you your sexiness up up on Los Sienaga. I think you're dry humping a motorcycle with a hot chicks. And I was just like, I was like, fuck this guy, damn it, he's got it.

All Buffalo jeans. That was that. Then you got hit by a car.

No, that was We did like a shoot in like Key West, and it's like there was this like Brazilian model girl and it was I remember it was like legitimate, like softboard, and they heard it during the Super Bowl. Thank god, this jeans are tight.

Uh, Now, you were probably I would say, I mean, this is this is biased.

I get you were probably the sexiest person.

In the NBA when you played you Did you agree with that or no Ah?

Yeah, I mean I think you were up there. I think I did pretty well. You're a good looking fella. Thanks.

Now, who do you think currently is the sexiest man in the NBA?

M Currently, there's the new young kid on the thunder SGA. People love he's got like the skims deal.

No, it's Kelly Ubra. Kelly Oubra's got great eyes. God damn it is beautiful. He's always light skin.

Every time they do a close up on him, I'm like, oh, get the camera off, Get the camera off.

I'm gonna get a boner. He's definitely not ugly.

I gotta give you a gift. Everybody comes on the tug, it's a gift.

I love that. We'll do a jersey swap. I tell you what to do. Oh no, I just oh, I got hey. I love that. The UCF the you can't finish. Yeah, I graduated black. Can you sign it? Yeah, I'm gonna sign this for Where are you supposed to sign a jersey? I mean, do you have it? What color is the marker? Well, it's going to be black most like silver, ID go black? Go here? Uh huh, I'll sign that. I'm gonna put my shirt back on. Yeah.

I just I took my shirt off because I wanted to say jersey swap. Yeah, this is this is uh what is this?

No?

This I don't I didn't open it. Let me tell you something about what this gift is. My friend who went She's gonna be furious that I'm giving this away.

Are you regifting me? Yeah? That's all I do.

So my friend sends this to my kid and I'm like, oh, we already have this. She told me what it was before it came. And then she goes, we'll just send it back to customer service and that's what my wife is going to do, and I'm like, I'm not doing that. That's fucking too much work. Yeah, so I'm just gonna give it all right. I got a nice Yeah, so you know what it is. I think unless it's not that,

You're how old your girl? Whatever?

She might not it's probably some of her baby dolls. It was probably she's a doctor now though she.

Went to UF. Really a lot of UF. Oh, it's all my family. It's a it's like a little stroller for her babies or something. Oh yeah, old basket stroller. Yeah yeah, but it's got the thing that goes over. You'll like it. Oh, it's nice, but we already have it something. Thank you. Now you come home today, you give her a gift and she's like, what did you? Wow?

Thanks, She's gonna love it. Put it on the floor. Yeah, let's talk, Fandel. Are you a gambler.

I am a big gambler.

I'm a huge gambler, but not huge steaks. I like to gamble on everything, but I don't I don't put huge wagers down. You spend real money.

Yeah. Why, I just I love it. It's like it's my it's my why Yeah.

But if you if the problem is once you bring the numbers up, you have to keep them up.

I know. And it's you're not over time, you're going to lose. Yeah, I don't.

I can easily if I bet a thousand dollars. I'm just I'm I'm terrified of the loss.

Do you watch it and sweat it out or yes, oh see, I'll put I'll put a lot more than that, and I will even know it.

I will. I want to know that. It's a sickness. You know. My favorite bet in the NBA is the first of fifteen. You liked that, but I love it.

I have see I'm not. I don't like this parlays. I don't like those kinds. I don't even like prop bets. I like, I like a teaser for like an NFL.

NBA bets are stupid because who can cover twelve points?

It's so hard to bet NBA.

I am still furious at Klay Thompson for what he did in Memphis. Is maybe two years ago. I had it. It was a five game parlay. Golden State was my final one they had to cover, and he gets fouled with no time left on the clock, and all he has to do is hit one to cover.

He missed both.

It's and I was like, well, Clayn, dude, it's it's hard. I'm not saying that I wished horrible things that day, but what fuck yeah I was.

I couldn't am that.

What's funny is when you're playing too, like I I never you don't know that. When you're playing, it's not like Clay Thompson has any clue of this. Then you watch these bad beats and it's fun. It's crazy, man.

Like my favorite NFL bet is over under two people throwing a pass in a game like a.

Like a backup or something like a right backup or later that into a throw. I love it.

Yeah, gosh, you go, you go deep, you go, you get weird on the bets.

You don't just do a good old fashioned spread or money life.

I do all those you do. Yeah, I do everything, but I don't like I do small wagers. I have been coin talk.

You do you bet? And how long? The National Anthemist, No, that's not a real bet. It used to be. How about this about the streaker? Did you see this in Superable? Huh?

The fucking guy bet like three hundred grand that there'd be a streaker during the Super Bowl, and then he streaked and paid five k they got to get out, and.

Then he ended up netting crazy money.

Na, I call bullshit on that whole story. You do a show on a fan duel hosted by Michelle Beatle.

Yeah, I love her too. She's fantastic, she's really funny. Did she get canned by laugh?

I think it's one of those things you can't fire me because I quit.

Uh huh, you know what I mean. But she's good, she's awesome.

She is she is hilarious, she knows her ship, she's vulgar, she's one of the boys.

She's San Antonio. Isn't she die hard? Oh yeah? And now all of a sudden, the Knicks fan during the playoffs.

Eddie here is just cares so much about the Spurs. I don't understand it. Like he's a grown man.

I'm a grown man. I'm gonna I shouldn't even say that, But like his his dog is named Duncan. Oh really, he.

Has a personalized license plate that says Duncan really Duncan. Well, you don't tell people your exact license platecking idiots, that's your social But I'm like, at what level like these these men that are older than the people that they idolize.

It's so yeah, Like, like my buddy's a huge Packers fan like like he'll it'll piss him off when they lose, like he's losing sleep, Like he'll like, I love the Gators, but like if they if they lose, like I'm not thrilled, but it's like.

It's not changing my fucking day. Uh huh.

I know grown ask men that like, are not going to work the next day.

I'm a die hard heat fan.

Really, yeah, everything, Miami, I care about everything.

You love the big direct you, you love the whole when Lebron went there, Yeah, yeah, oh oh, we're gonna win a bunch of great I love the decision, right, it's time, the pressure.

Sure, I'm all. I'm all for the theater, the theater. Why not I don't and none of that bothers me. Yeah, but I'm always about the team. And as soon as you leave, I fucking hate you immediately.

That's fair.

But I'll tell you something that's embarrassing about how I can watch a game. I like to find out if they want or lost before I watch, and then oh really, and then if.

I know, yeah, well I don't t vo because it's still a thing.

No, but but if I if I know they won, I get very excited. And I can watch it if they lost.

If you know they lost, you just to go back and watch it. What was your team? Grown up? Did you orlanda magic? You cared about them? Oh, Shack and Penpenny. That was good.

What's funny is I used to fucking love Grant Hill and he comes to Orlando and this fucking guy was always hurt and I remember hating him, And then fast forward my career. I go, I sign on, I'm always hurt, and I'm like, why do these people hate me?

And I'm like, oh, that's right.

Because I once saw Grant Hill checking out of the hotel in uh in South Beach, and I couldn't believe how long he was complaining about his bill.

I get like an extra tidy on his bill. I was just sitting there, going, why is he whining about this? Like just walk away? Do you check out a hotel? I don't either.

I saw I saw Grant Hill yelling at somebody, so I was like, I'm gonna listen.

We probably should because our bill is probably a little No. I got Pete takes care of that boy pe. I need a Pete. Oh you don't. You don't have a Pete. No, you got to get a peat or pump probably pan double. Yeah. Have you been back to Gainesville? Yeah, so I went back this past year.

I actually got inducted into the Hall of Fame. Thanks for having those and your fucking thirty eight questions and not that.

Hall of fame like Hall of Fame or University of yea, let's dive into that.

No, congratulations, thanks man, But yeah, I went back this last year. I go like I tried to go on, here's what I think of. If you're there for a football game, great, If you're not, it's a little depressing. Oh yeah, you're like, oh no, it's not as cute as I remember Namesville being.

Well, now you go back and I'm old and I'm just creepy if I'm at the ball.

It's just it's not it's not the same it was my last attempt. I want to know who this girl was. We need a new job. Can I write down the name that I think it is? Yep, No, it's not. Well she.

Oh God tell me there's two of them this whole time.

Getting double Oh man, that Chandler.

Thank you for being on the show. All the best and uh, I'll see you around.

Yeah, thanks to appreciate it, Pasha. Well, Carl, that backfired miserably.

Now I want to have sex with Chandler Parsons too, Chandler Parsons, that's just fun to do. A lot of people are turned off by the NBA because, uh, the players complain about fouls too much. After every single play they're they're they're turning to the ref to complain. I have a solution for this that I think everybody would enjoy.

Left season ticket.

This my this is my uh, this is my fix. I want to plug my stand up dates. But I also want to say something. When shows are sold out, don't go. People always just buy tickets. Second in hand, i've heard people say, oh, you know, I spent three hundred dollars for a ticket, and it was just okay, fuck you, my comedy's not worth three hundred dollars. Okay, you'll you buy them right when they come out. Oh

Time and a lamp in a two little tottlet chip twenty And they know't how the drum, but only sin. They didn't know how but the fwim. So one day they they got they put their babies, they went outside. They don't under the tred and they won't have a swim. And then the two d and it was so signed. So one day the old wheosen the ohos, oh whioso wheos and end when the orio sang, it tepted and louder and louder and wilder until it got super wilder, until there's a monster come in the end