My D.C. Insider - Amber Macdonald

What's the craziest thing you've ever written that actually made it into a speech where you were just like, oh, let's just see if I can get this in there or get him to say Baba booie toshha Tosh, shush show cup show. Hey, guys, it's me, believe it or not. This is what Daniel Tosh normally looks like, Like a hungover Andrew Luck, like even Gay or Abraham Lincoln, like an amish who's lost his way. Welcome to Tosh Show, guys. I've been in the mountains. This is my first day back.

It's looking pretty, I don't know. Yeah, it never really gets to that big, huge burly. I don't think you let it go that far. You should try for a year.

It's just it just gets more and more pubic hairy.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, you know, it's good to be back. I'm excited to shave what I miss how Happy.

New Year, Happy New Year to you, Glad to have you back.

Who how is your Christmas it's good.

In Austin, Texas with the family.

I had a great Christmas. We all got RSV. Yeah, my wife's brother came just sick as could be, got all of us infected immediately, and then they left, and then we had like two weeks alone of just snodding and coughing. Just lovely. Just your head feels like it's gonna explode every night when you're trying to lay down kids screaming. Just a magical time of year. No, I did have a good time. You know what. I want to say, This what I think I now because of

I kind of like it.

I like her. Well, I love it. Yeah, I love it because it finally worked. The whole point of this stop giving me things? It worked. Speaking of gifts, my alma mater, UCF Central Florida Knights in Orlando, Florida, they get football great Scott Frost. Last time he was the coach of the UCF Knights, they were undefeated and now then he went on to his alma materate at Nebraska and just laid a big turd.

Four years of it.

I have to admit I said a lot of nasty things about when he left. I was like, stay, You've got things cooking at a school that'll give you everything, And you know He's like, no, I gotta go. This is my destiny. I was a quarterback here, you know, in the eighties when Nebraska mattered late nineties, all right nineties whenever. Now am I worried that Scott Frost, who is given this second chance, this opportunity to redeem his deplorable behavior, to coach this powerhouse football program, is gonna

I mean it was so early in the year.

So early. Here's what happened. I'm in Tahoe. I go to my favorite cakeriy Okay, it's not called a bakery, Pete, it's called a cakey.

It's his favorite one, Pete, my.

Favorite cakereach at Sugar Pine. Allison is the owner and her husband Brett. I believe they're both. They're both wonderful people. I go in there and they've got so many good things. They got a banana cinnamon bread that I love. Always get a slice of that. Their cookies look perfect, so I always have to grab a couple of those. And this is breakfast. You know, I'm getting the biscuit, sandwich, I'm getting the eggs. But this day I decide, well

You got a problem.

That's not a problem. It's called breakfast. And when you're in the mountains, you need a lot to survive.

Fuel up.

Well, we always we always get the breakfast, and then we park at this little park around the bend and you take a hike through the woods. There's a little nome door. My son loves to open it up. He brings a toy every time and leaves it. You're supposed to take a toy, leave a toy. We just give a toy every time. Some kids just leave rocks in there. That's that's bullshit. And then they take my kid's good toy that he leaves. But whatever. We say hi to the gnomes and then there's a picnic on the lake

Sure.

This walk is maybe three quarters of a mile, about one hundred yards in. I tell my wife how great is this? I said something to the effect of what a wonderful morning, And then I said, hey, oh, I don't know if I can do this, and she's like, what I got? Yeah, I gotta go back. She's like, where are you going? I go? I don't know. So I just took my daughter and I start walking back. I go, you guys, go to the nome door. Let my son put his toy in there so it doesn't

Self into the woods.

She sees me. She's mortified. She picks up my little angel and I'm like, oh, and then I use snow to wipe. By the way, great wiper, m great white. You can you can it's it's easy anyway, we go back, we get back in the car. I'm like, sorry about that, guys.

Hey, everybody, sorry about it.

Now, here's the thing. Did I actually break my resolution? I say no? And here's why. If a man is walking through the woods and says to his wife, oh my goodness, honey, I need to pee, and then walks into the woods and peas and comes back, nobody's like, oh my goodness, can you believe what he did? So I did the same thing, but mine was the other Mine was violent diarrhea. And my wife's like, yeah, But the difference is if you told that person they can't pee,

Enjoy Pasha, my guest today, is a political speech writer whose words have either moved you or made you say, fuck that shit.

It really is a country of widely different opinions. She can spend boring zoning ordinance issues into poetry about the battle for America's soul. And if you thought the ineffective speech is that the Democratic National Convention went on too long, you can blame her for it. That said, please welcome Amber, thank you very much. Are you old enough?

But things are? They have been better? I would say, I mean.

Anger, furious, where are you this time around?

Resigned like we knew, we knew this was a possibility. I was not as heartbroken and shocked I mean heartbroken, yes, but not as shocked or unprepared as as twenty sixteen.

Of course, when I hear people say insiders tell me, oh that we knew all along that she couldn't win, I get so enraged. I'm like, well, you know what would have been nice for the American economy? I told tip us off on that and save us all a billion dollars of donations.

I mean, I think that's such a it's so easy to just be like h DC consultants insiders like it's not a person. There are many different people in DC with various opinion. Of course, some people thought she couldn't win. Many people thought she could win. This is one of those things where if if she had won, we would have all said obviously, obviously she would have won.

It's such a it was such a slam dunk.

I mean, I just go. I see myself, listen, I had Obama. That was in my lifetime. I'm thankful for it. I was at a good age for it. Move me. I don't think I'm ever gonna let myself get followed, my pass vested. It's just it's just too much for my soul. I can't handle it.

I feel like, maybe, like Rock, the vote kind of broke us all and made us feel like voting was this like magical identity thing, and what it actually is is, as AOC says, like a chess move. We are we are trying to move things forward. We are doing our best. You know, we push We've gotten a lot of really important things done. Obama got things done, Joe Biden got a lot of really important things done. And now we're going to get pushed back. And you just have to

I haven't fallen in love. I haven't fallen in love love. I don't know what I know that you liked tearror cards. So I'm actually afraid to ask, is do you believe in?

Afraid to answer this, do you believe in ghosts?

I lean toward I lean toward now, but I might believe in ghosts.

I wish that was on the ballot.

I don't think.

I lean.

I don't like to take like a hard.

Stance on things like because I don't know. You don't have to see or prove things just to make them real.

I have a very different opinion. Really, do your What did the arror cards say about coming onto my show.

I did not do a reading for it. I know I should have.

Do you believe in ghost writing.

As a ghost writer, I do believe that you can do it, and they exist.

You have a rite for the wrong side?

Mm?

No, could you?

No?

See I've written jokes for comics that I don't agree with, never like I think their style of comedy is just garbage.

It's like I have worked for people who believe things that I don't really agree with. And maybe I've made a pitch or I've said like, yeah, sure, I can make that argument, but there's like a line for me that if I don't, I can't. I can't write a speech about I'm very pro choice. I could never write a speech that's like, here's why we should ban abortion, Like that would just be I don't want to do that.

That's just not that's not who I am.

Well you don't have to, thankfully it's going to be banned. So too late. I apologize for all of your rights.

Oh can you take responsibility.

Please, I'll take some responsibility. Sure, great, thank you. I'm a single issue voter. What is it abortion.

That's your one issue?

Yes?

Great? Love that.

I just whatever whatever gets me to like they can do whatever they want. That's that's where I vote down the ballott But man, is it has it come back to bite me? Well, that's why people always it always gets me mad when people like if I say, oh, I can't wait to check in on these mega fools and four years and make how much better is you want? And some of their reports?

Do you check in on them? I regularly check in. Well, my whole family or maga. I've got so like, so many connections. I regularly have to go in and be like, what's Brad Bardon up to?

I have similar family members as well, But they like to push back, Oh, well, let's see how worse your life is?

Yeah?

Yeah, And to that, I'm always like, you care so much about women's reproductive rights. You live in California. They're not going to be affected there. And I'm like, well, yes, they're probably not going to be that affected here, but that's not what I'm voting for. I'm voting for this seventeen year old girl in Arkansas.

Well, and they could be affected here various various ways.

Well, we'll take care of it here. Yeah, Okay, California is going to figure Oh I swear one of these days. I'm just gonna I'm going to take my whole state with me. We're moving to Cabo Calo. All right. One could argue that you and I were we were both raised at and Christian Colt said, if we want to, I don't know if we want to use that word, but yours sounds way more Culty coulty. It probably was talk about what your childhood was like.

There's like different phases.

So I I remember my first memories were we lived on a commune in Indiana with like a farm, a working farm.

How many people is this?

I mean the cult itself was international.

I don't want to have a brag, but it was like the second largest cult for a while.

Oh I know, I know what was what was number one? Scientology?

Yeah?

Yeah, yes, I think yeah, all right, I could be wrong. No, I think that's right.

You know, we were what you might call it. What's what's one where you can't dance or you burn in hell?

No?

What was the movie footlooset? We were footloose? Okay, that was all world? Okay, go on.

We lived on a commune. I don't know.

Maybe I'm too young to remember how people are there. But two hundred I don't.

Know, not thousands, but no, no, no, got it.

And it was an old like a convent. It used to be a convent and they bought it. Just creepy, super creepy, and we had like dorms and so we lived in like a dorm, which I think I think the weirdest part that I just learned recently, like in the last month, that my parents would work on the farm during the day and then they would go to Bible class at night for like hours, And I was like,

You left babies alone.

Anyway, it was a different time.

It was.

It was the eighties. They didn't actually care.

About this is when America was great.

That's back. We're all trying to get back there.

But year are we trying to get back to you again?

Did the sixties twenties? I don't know.

Yeah, I have a theory about that too. What is it do you ever go to talk to a friend of yours that never left your hometown and then when they're like, oh, this place sucks now, it used to be so much better. They're the ones that have the revisionist history. Oh yeah, that people that like never go on to anything.

They were in high school and they had like a great time and so they remember so they making out at the drive in.

That's those are the people that all of those people are the ones that things used to be better.

That's who. That's who just won the election.

Yes, exactly, But you're still cool with Christianity.

I'm back, just back into christian Do we.

Talk Do we want to talk about the name of the Calders.

Oh yeah, yeah, it's called The Way International.

The Way International Way. And they're still around.

So I follow them on Instagram. I'm sure I like to keep.

Up with like they post ass shots. No.

But what's interesting is they were like big for a minute and then they got sued by like tons of women for you know, rape and sexual assault like as happens, yep, it kind of fell apart, and then they started they kind of like are coming back, and now they're they're like revisionist. Like if you go to their Wikipedia, everything about all the scandals are gone, like they have edited it and now they're just like Instagram full like happy people at camp, like singing songs and doing aerobics.

What's the one that the God hates.

Fag's church, the Westboro Baptists.

Here's why, I honestly have some don't get contact all right where I can accept them, okay over other I like that they have a hard line.

Okay, I don't disagree with you that I appreciate people who are consistent.

Right, these churches, these churches that just keep kind of evolving, we're okay with uh, we love gay people.

I go to a church now that loves gay people, well, right, because.

They all want money, so they just keep over in their arms up. True, that's not true.

No, no, no, no.

Every megachurch in this country should not be taxi gosh.

I should not have to tell you that Jesus says nothing about gay people in the Bible. There's not a single verse. And you should know what about Okay, that's an angel that comes and as like, excuse me, can I.

Wasn't there a bunch of man on man stuff going on and it just sickened the Lord?

No, I would argue that what sicken the Lord was someone who showed up at a door and was like, hey, man, can I rape your angel?

Guess and they were like no.

No, well that's you don't want it. But back to this mega church.

Stuff, megachurch, Okay, yeah, that's all of those that would be money driven.

Yes, I mean I can't. That's like a complicated but yes, I don't. I don't know that I disagree with you.

Yeah, I'm getting heated already by the way, your parents strict religion, strictly didn't stay married. I know.

That's how we got kicked out of.

The colt oh the wet When did they get divorced?

Communicate?

When I was six, so they did make them break up.

I don't know.

I really wanted an interesting life and I was like, you two being happy?

Which one of them was more vested into the church?

My mom, i'd say, is much more religious.

She is still very very deeply religious, and my dad now is like a little more open and casual, like we're still they're still Christian.

But like, how long did it take you to unbrainwash?

I guess when I went to college, I was sort of like, oh, I have to I have to rethink some of this stuff.

And it was it was gradual.

Part of the whole idea of the Way was like question everything, question all authority, because they don't believe that other churches have it right.

They're very anti trinity.

That's every religion. Every religion believes we're right and everyone else.

But part of their thing was like everyone else is wrong and only our little group is right. And I think that instilled in me this like skepticism of everything, and so then I was like, oh, wait, what if this, what if this is wrong? And then I started to.

Kind of do they believe that everyone else burns in hell?

I know, actually, hilariously they believe everyone who isn't Christian burns and hell. But very hilariously to me, they believe if you accept Christ into your heart and you're baptizing all that stuff, you go to heaven. But they also believe most Christians are wrong. So they're fixed for that is that in heaven we're all going to have jobs, and if you don't follow our path, then you're gonna have a really shitty job, like being a bone car.

Damn it, Are you telling me that I'm going to have a bad job. Yes, because I've been baptized and accept that right.

So you'll go to heaven that way you But when God burns the earth and it's full of dead corpses, you're going to be the ones picking up bones.

Which I think is the funniest way too, because punished.

I've always been told too that that heaven there's going to be when I've asked these questions a child, like, so all of my Jewish friends are going to burn in hell, So all of every Buddhist burns in hell? Is why can't we definitively say why? Why won't you say that like they do? No, No, my sunny school teacher like wouldn't.

Say it, really, my Sunday school teacher would.

Well, yeah, they were happy to tell you.

But they always would say that there's going to be more people in heaven than there will be.

There's like a second chance Jesus. Yeah, when Jesus back, there's a second ch.

Oh, my bad.

I was, Yeah, so you're just doing the second chance.

I'm starting to love the way. I don't know what their dues are, but it's got to be cheaper than the Soho house.

It's cheaper. They're very communists. For a while, you had to give them all their money and then they stole it back in I'm.

Going to do that all right. You studied English in college, uh, and then moved to LA to pursue acting.

I said an English and theater.

Okay, I didn't know about the theater.

Who's your research team was?

Just Dylan? How long were you out in LA?

Seven years?

Did you enjoy Los Angeles?

Yes? I love La. I could never live here again, but I love it.

Don't say you could never level you might have to when we separate.

No, I'll go to I'll go to the East Coast. I like the weather better.

So you move out here to pursue acting? Was it? Did you say it didn't run its course? Did you lose interest? You're like, oh, I'm not gonna well.

I was very poor.

That's what you're supposed to be when you know you were.

Yeah, it just was.

I mean I did a bunch of things. It was very fun I did. I did like stand up for a little while. I did improv for many years and lovely time community. I was a clown. I did lots of fun stuff. I just no one was ever going to pay me, so I just had to, you know, like make money.

I mean, my my theory on show businesses that if you just don't quit, eventually, eventually you'll get like a commercial paycheck.

Paycheck.

Yeah, I don't know if it's gonna be a great paycheck. Yeah, but if you never quit, I think you're right.

You're probably right.

I just it just waits for people to quit. That's what I do.

Think, Like, I'm a big of like abandoning your dream, Like at some point you're just like, oh, hey, maybe this dream sucks and isn't for me. And it turned out like I was so defeated and I felt so miserable and sad and worthless all the time, and I felt like, oh maybe I'm just like a bad person who can't do anything. And then I started to get into politics and everyone was like, oh.

You're amazing, and I was like, what, I'm good at something.

It turns out so I just needed a different and that's way more important in the scheme of things. Do you believe do I?

No?

I did not.

The real important job is comedian. I think now it's not.

I'm a big believer that my job is embarrassing.

Embarrassing.

Yes, when I think of like actual stand up I'm going to go make people laugh oh, yeah, it's ridiculous.

Yeah, well that's yeah.

I'm I agree. I do not put any self importance on this. You actually had a clown service business.

Yes, sadly, okay, let's didn't go anywhere.

Go ahead and put the there when she said, I didn't go to put the sad clown noise right there. Our most democratic speech writers former clowns. Nope, I might be was your clown experience.

Man, I mean it was like the worst and the best. And I really I say clown, but I was. I don't want to I don't impress too much, but I was.

I don't want to choose your own nose.

Yeah, I was a princess.

I would dress up mostly as like Bell and Cinderella and the Little Mermaid.

And I would just show up and five year olds just adored me.

And I would do magic and like balloon animals and clown at all.

I was clown. Yeah, Bubbles, the clown was my name. I did, I did, But you were a princess.

I did both because I mean, you've probably hired something for your child's party.

Maybe.

How did you transition completely from l a broken dream to speech writer?

I started, I was, I was doing like a lot of like volunteer work for Planned parenthood and murders. Sorry now, I started like I don't know volunteering. I was like, oh, maybe this is a thing, and so I like showed up. Actually, the Democratic Party of the San Fernando Valley is like kind of a big power player, okay, And so I showed up to the campaign headquarters and I was like, put me to work. And I volunteered for a campaign and I would like work during the day and come

And then I got from there.

I got a job with Bob Blominfield, who's a council member now in LA but he was an assembly member. And it was like I got paid like twenty seven thousand dollars a year to like go to council meetings and be like.

Bob Bloominfield cares about the potholes. And I was like what could be better than this? Like I was so happy.

I love it. I love it more happy. Where did I go from here?

And then I was like, oh, but I can't I can't do like I can't do policy. I'm not like smart enough for that, and I'm not like a comps. I don't want to talk to reporters. And then I was like, oh, I used to write plays. I'm a playwright. And I was like, oh, speechwriting is just like playwriting for one person. So I just begged Bob to let me write his speeches when he was here in the district.

And I remember the first one I did.

It was like a five minute speech and I like poured over it and it was so like I tried so hard, and I gave it to him and he went to the event and he read one line that I had written and nothing else, and I was.

Like, was that a gut punch? No, I was really real.

I was like, this is the greatest day of my life. Like it just was so again. I was so broken from like auditioning and like one of the last auditions I did. I'm sure you are familiar with these, but one of the last auditions I did, they lined us all up and they were like, just do the chicken dance with no music, and it was just like a line of people being like.

And it was the most humiliating thing. So coming from that to like someone read something I wrote just felt like.

I mean, I never there's I don't think regardless if I landed a spot or not, there was never an audition that I thought, oh that was worth it, oh because I got it. No, No, I was, I was, and I I mean I did you know a fraction of what my peers were doing. I wouldn't audition. I just like no. One time I went for an Apple on a huge campaign and it was sure enough, it was like, yeah, start start dancing and walking and dancing, and I'm like, uhh, And I think I don't know if I actually did it.

Yeah.

I went toring Apple one once and they were like, you're perfect for this. We would hire you on the spot, but Steve Jobs has to make the call, and just like for an hour, just like told me how amazing I was, and then I never heard from them, And it was just that where I was like, you probably died.

It's probably happened.

Most campaigns have no budget for speech, but they'll hire you and put you under some like a different title. Is that true or no? Or if they don't. If they don't have money for a speech writer, they'll be no no, we'll still hire you, but you have to do other things.

No, no, no, no, oh no.

I most Hill offices, most congressional offices don't have budgets. Okay, speech rader, so the Senate has more money per office. House members don't have much of a budget, so they only get like ten staffers, or depending on who they are, they get maybe more. But most Hill offices don't won't have speech writers because they're just like you have a constructor and maybe a press secretary and that's it.

Are you always looking for work? Is it?

No?

I don't want to work. No, I do want to work. I will love working.

But hear me, people come to you. Is that where you're at now?

Yeah?

So I left the White House a year ago and now I help people. I write speeches, I do trainings, I do narrative development.

This is all sorry if it's.

Boring, but you know, yeah, I help you people find their voice in various different ways, and they hired me for you know, nonprofits or for profits. Some politicians still you lead with jokes still sometimes Yeah, I don't know.

Swear words, and inny of your speeches?

Have I ever? Yes? But not generally. No.

People are still fairly anti swear words, just be cool, a.

Little blue speech. Yes, oh this one's edgy. Here we go. What's the craziest thing you've ever written that actually made it into a speech where you were just like, oh, let's just see if I can get this in there.

Nothing ever or get them to say bab a booie.

I know that's not bad.

Example, some like really creative speeches that I was like, oh, this is so good, and then of course I gave it to the person They were like, oh thanks, maybe not.

Yeah. Do you ever do you ever watch them take your speech and do this to it?

Yeah? Yeah, I mean editing is like a big part of the process.

Well because like in a writer's room on a television show, yeah, writers, if the room is a good room, yeah, they can fight for their Oh yes, so do you get to fight for your.

Words that all the time.

That's like half of what I did at the White House was just like I think of myself when I'm in that room. I do think of myself as like the noble like artist defending the human language. And like every you know, every speech is like there are fifteen lawyers who want to put in like eight different clauses and not say one but like achieved a positive outcome or like you know, all the different things that people

It's just like there's word do you do? Do you play tricks? Like like I know a lot of writers will be like, oh, I know I'm not getting this in, but that'll at least make me get this.

Yeah, yeah, like make it really extreme and then be like, I guess I'll just tone it down a little bit.

And that's what I really wanted.

Do you think AI is going to steal some of your work?

I am worried about AI ruining the next generation. I'm not worried about me so much. I'm amazing, very talented. But you get to this place by doing a lot of like inname work, and that is what AI can do.

But you have to like do it.

You know, you got to like write a bunch of dumb talking points and like figure out how what reporters are responding to and like write the first draft and then have someone rip it up and tear it shreds and tell you why you suck. And if AI is doing that, like then there's just like a generation of new writers who don't get that experience. And I'm that's That's what I'm really worried about.

How much of being a speech writer is rewriting the same speech a lot? Is that what you do? You just give it like a little refresh.

Oh you mean like the same speech? No, it depends.

Some people have stuff on file that you're like, oh this works, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, But like some people want the same speech over and over and over. Some people like doctor Biden never like she likes different stuff. So we would do new speeches all the time. It was a lot of new speeches, and sometimes you like pull like oh that's a good story, put it over here. It's like a puzzle that you're putting together. But it just depends on the person. Everyone's kind of different.

By the way, speech writers make tons of money true or false false?

No, No, it doesn't matter how high up the I mean, there are different Yes, there are some speeches writers who make lots of money, like White House speech writers don't make money.

Do you get credit?

No?

Well always or never? I'm sorry never.

I am publicly like I was doctor Biden's speech writer. I that is public knowledge. You could google me and do you.

Like to say doctor Biden just to infuriate.

The right, Yes, doctor Biden.

Be honest as a speech writer. How nerve wracking is it to watch Joe Biden deliver a speech or answer a simple question?

I love Joe, I love him too.

It is not as nerve wracking as standing with his teleprompter speaking and watching.

Because we would always you know, we did a lot.

Of events together and so like his sweet trater and I would always be like together at the teleprompter, and I would just be like because they have to.

Go like, oh god, he's jumping me for hard, and like, you know.

Here's reading. A teleprompter is a skill. Oh yeah, it's a real skill and it takes practice. I did a show for thirteen years off a prompter. And what's also a real skill is the teleprompt operator. And you need to have a magical connection with that person that knows when you're off book. They they know, oh, well you basically hit this note. Let's get you to the next spot. Yeah, and I could you can always tell when it's like

He had speechwriters, or he has speechwriters, but does he use it.

I imagine their sense sort of like giving him like cues.

The nonsense to read what his teleprompter would say. I would just be fascinated.

I would love I would love to.

Did you see at one of the Republican rallies they had the teleprompter up I think it was Kerry Lake and they were like, get off stage. Trump is waiting, and I was like, oh, that's what we need, like for the you know, the pre show people who are like, it's my turn to talk.

I hate I hate everything that the Democratic Party does right now? Great, just they're just shambles. How dare you? All of you guys.

I take full responsibility, that's me.

But that's what happens.

Yeah.

I say this right now because I'm on the heels of four years. And then at the end of four years, I'm gonna be.

All Yeah, I'm gonna be all in.

I just got a text. They hear me. I just got a text from so and so who's who worked under so and so, and they said this. We're good, We're good.

We're gonna crush it. Don't worry.

Well, I should just go back. I gotta start screen grabbing all the bullshit that I heard.

But that's the thing everyone gets to be. Everyone just gets to look back and be like I knew the whole time, like no one knows.

No one knows, and it's always going to be close.

It's always going to be close.

So weird that we're like that that, Like this country has fifty percent of people that think this way, and fifty percent think that it just seems like it might not be real. Maybe I'm gonna start dealing with believing what's his name?

What's his name?

That dumb football player? What Aaron Rodgers? Wait?

What does he say?

No, he's a conspiracy nut.

Oh, don't do that.

Yeah, I'm not a conspiracy nut. You know why? Because I don't believe people can actually keep secrets.

Oh my god, can I can from that? Having worked in the government, so many people are like, this is a government consperiency I'm like kids, it's not We're not that competent.

It's just the dummies that you know, doing their best.

Right.

The idea that we could cover up anything is laughable.

I'm just not There's just too many people.

Yes, like, think about how many leaks come out of everything, the.

Moving parts alone? Yeah, no, it's what that makes me feel good?

Yeah, you're right.

Is politics mostly theater.

Some theater policy is not theater. Policy is important and hard, but no one cares about it, so we have to present it to the world.

Do you want to run for office one day?

Never?

What do you do to relax? Mmmm?

I bake. I bake cakes and I bike.

What kind of cakes are you doing? Are you doing? Like like the crazy? I don't know that it's a cake cake?

No, I'm not that good, Okay, I'm just it's like a nice I actually started after Trump won the first time because I was like working, I was writing speeches in my basement alone, and it's very sad and lonely.

Because you were doing what Trump wanted, you would turn it into.

The woman exactly, a sad carpie.

Learn how to bake? I got it exactly.

I was like, how do I become more feminine. But it's just it's very meditative.

You like, you know, you like sift the flower and I like make myself a cocktail and listen to an audio book.

Do you like I hate sifting flower?

I like it.

It's very like, I don't know, do you have avative? It's just like, oh no, I don't like that one. It hurts your hand. No, you got to do the bowl?

Yeah, yeah, that's great. And then I make elaborate my children because I have twins. I have every year I get.

I tell them they get to each pick a theme like a cake choice, and then I put them together.

And so like one year we.

Had like you like the mom that has two kids to play for different universities and she sews both jerseys together.

Yeah like that. Yeah?

Are you cool mom? Do they talk to you normal or do they talk to you like mom?

Yes?

I think we talk a lot, but I'm like mom, like I have to lay down the law.

We have to my husband. I are very like, we're not your friend, right.

Cool mom in my head is just the movie Mean Girls. You know she rocks in.

It's like, yeah, like other moms, I'm cool mom.

Yeah, what's your go to favorite cake.

Oh, well, there's this really good chocolate cake that I put Celtic caramel on. It's really good, it's very rich. And then you make homemade Celtic caramel layers.

Are we talking? Well the cake sheet.

Now the cake is like three layers. And then if you do tears.

What's the most tears you've ever done?

I've only done three? Okay, yeah, I did. Like a couple of wedding cakes.

You've done wedding just for friends, right, But there's I mean there are still still wedding.

I made a Superhero Girls cake for the girl's birthday one time. I'm in little Chocolate Poison Ivy like a wonder Woman.

That's amazing. Well, I care more about the cakes and any speech you've written. Yeah, he too, I did. We had a naked cake for you, like that. I did. I'm not an icing person.

Oh I think people say that, But I make really good icing. It's not like ice cream, cheese and not too sweet. Okay, it's really good.

Sometimes I like it. Do you mess with cookies and other things? Bars, brownies, brown pies.

I make a lot of pies. Yeah, especially for holidays.

I need a heavy amount of crumble on top, though I need crust all over it.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't need some of these fruit pies.

Some of them are I'm not the biggest fruit pie.

The only fruit pie I love is it's apple pie with salted caramel.

I really just I really love saltic caramel.

I say caramel? Or do you say caramel? Ever?

I say both?

Okay?

Yeah?

Do you ever laugh at the fact that the way you were raised and now what sits before me and how you raise your daughters?

No, I was going to ask you that, Actually, do you ever feel like if I don't give my children like crippling guilt and anxiety, then they won't turn out right?

Oh?

No, I feel like I don't know.

I feel like, don't you have to go through like a phase where you're like, am I a bad person who will burn in hell?

I don't know, but I'm not doing that to my kids.

But there is a part of me that's like, oh, is that critical to being a good person?

Before you?

Like, do you have to grow out of it in order to like recover and then be normal?

I mean I think maybe they won't. They might not have some of the drive. Ye that I had.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess it's similar to like class and then having like more resources, and you're like, they're not going to know what it's like like fight.

I don't know. I just you know, like Elon Musk, you love that guy.

Oh God, what a guy.

So it's like people can say things like like, oh, what have you done? Like what he's done. Let's say he's a million times smarter than I will ever be. Let's say his contributions to the world actually have a long term effect and it has like blah blahlah blah, whatever you want to say. I'll agree to all of it without even guess what. All my kids love me. That to me is all I cared about.

I know, I agree.

Yeah, I'm like, my kids love me. Your kids don't love you.

No, No, you'll die alone, surrounded by your money and your money.

Well, that part of it sounds nice. That part of it.

Every billionaire is a policy feeling.

When is Mitch McConnell going to die?

Oh God, do you think he's made a pact with the devil to just go forever?

I have no idea.

I don't know.

All I want is my kids to run up and hang from his.

Neck because you have so much affection for him. Just want them.

I just want them to see how far they can. I want them to take it because when they wrestled me sometimes they fish hook me and move my face around and they think it's worry.

That that's going to be you hooking.

I don't worry at all. I just want them to I want Mitch mcconald to take that one them just grab it and hold it over his head and just ah, like scare kids. Oh my goodness, forget politics. Who's the most genuine person you've met in DC?

Well? Like human, Like I have friends, you don't know them?

Are they good people?

Oh?

Yeah, No, DC is full of good people. I I so the way that people shit on LA.

I feel that.

People shit on DC in the same way like most people come to DC because they love America and they love and there are of course people who are just like assholes who want to make money and like have power.

But most people like the hour suck.

The pay is shitty, like pay on the Hill is terrible, pay at the White House is horrible.

Administration's okay, but like it's it sucks. It's a shitty job.

And then you just get shipped on all the time, like every time something happens, everyone's like these asshole when we're here, like we are, we are disappointing all the time, but most people are trying their best, Like lots of people are are good people who just want to make the world better.

It's a great city. Yeah, I've always loved it too.

Yeah, it's great.

It's got like nature, We've got beautiful like monuments and museums.

They're all free. I'm so spoiled.

I can't take my children anywhere now because any museum that wants to charge us.

I'm like, this is outrageous.

When I was younger, in my twenties and I would be walking around DC and I was like, this is the greatest thing in the world. But I always said, what am I going to do when I'm seventy because that's all I see when I'm walking around. Really, DC is just other seventy year olds enjoying everything, And I'm like, yeah, I'm like, just I'm in their little group. No, it's in the museum, I know, but not not doing the touristy stuff that I was doing it twenty now.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Everybody everybody gets a gift from the show. This is all my Kamala gear.

Oh my god, thank you. I love it.

Yep. And this this my son yeh share day is Kamala dal because he was so excited for the first female president and that was a huge failure. So okay, he doesn't need that ever again.

Thank you. Oh but oh you know.

You think she's gonna one again. Keep it?

Maybe don't keep it.

Your son needs.

No female model.

And we just because she didn't win, she's still the first woman vice president.

Yeah, so significant, what's throw that on the floor. We don't want all that on the floor. I don't all do you what size? What size feet do your daughters have?

What? Why?

I'm just curious.

I don't know five five?

I think my wife is tiny feet.

Oh god, I have a friend who has a size five foot and and but she has shoes.

She's too old, uh to wear some of her cool shoes. So I'm giving your daughters some shoes.

Oh, they're actually gonna love those.

Okay, these are gold Goose, but your wife those know that she had them along. Those are probably a thousand dollars.

No way, Yes, Wow, they're gonna love them. Definitely hold on because.

She shouldn't have those anymore. Like you're you're too old lady.

Yeah.

By the way, some of the stuff has never been worn. Those just look aged. That's what they're there. Then I got these. One of your daughters can have these two?

Okay, I need one for both of them. Wow that.

They've been telling me that I need to buy them ugs and I just refuse.

So now now you got you bring those. Look they're still a sticker.

Wow.

These are like house ugs.

I think. Can I tell you why she had those? It was I think for a baby shower that she was like, oh they had silly pink something and and she didn't wear them.

She didn't wear them. No, No, their house ugs to wear around yours.

Right, But it was like a baby shower. It doesn't matter what. Please. Do you ever put on the old Princess Altfred for the girls?

No?

But I did, No, I sold them. I sold all my partners.

Do you do the magic? No?

But the other Like a month ago, my husband ran a race and it was like a small race and they had a balloon.

Person you write speeches for it.

And he lost him actually he won, he won the race and they they were doing balloon and I was.

My daughter came up to me and she was like, do you see this dog? It's awful. And I was like, okay, hold.

On, and I went over and I made her. I was like, can I can I borrow this? And I made her a dog and then the children just lined up and for an hour, I just started making balloon animals for kids. And my husband came over and was like, I won this race and they gave me a medal, and you were over here being balloon animals and I was like, sorry.

Oh, I have one more thing.

Oh my god, I get so many presidents.

No, this isn't good.

This is great because I always have to bring things home for my kids and I always forget.

This is actually just for me. Okay, it's a card for my wife that I want you to write uh inside for me.

Oh, I get paid a lot of money to do that.

No, no, I know. That's why this is a gift. That's why it's a gift. Okay, you just have to I just need you to pen something.

By the way, this is my gift to you.

Yeah. By the way, isn't that a good card?

That's it's pretty I would that's so cute. I would put this in a child's bedroom.

Oh, well, we've got enough things curated on our shelves and our children's bedrooms. I'll let you work on that later. You just we'll do that later. Okay, that's fine.

I can't come up with something on the spot.

Yeah, you know what, I'll just have you mail it to her.

Okay, great, can you give me the address?

I will. Okay, you think I'm joking.

Dear wife, Yes, you are the love of my life.

Well listen, you can freestyle if you want to, but I I and nothing's off limits because normally would I. I don't know if you're there's no way you saw this? Who died? Who was great? The duck? A flack?

What?

Gilbert Godfrey? Oh, Gilbert Gilbert Godfrey, just rest in peace. The sweetest man. There's a documentary about him. And he was like a weird hoarder of like free stuff from hotels. But every his wife pulled out all the cards that he'd ever like written her, and all of them just say fuck you, like like.

Oh, I thought it was gonna be so sweet.

Every one of them, every one of them is like fucking shut up, like not even like it's your it's your birthday, go fuck yourself, Like, oh, it tickled me. She just had so many of them. Yes, okay, kids, you know it's just the sweetest thing in the world. I brought a tear to my eye when I watched it. I was like, oh, my goodness, so good, so good to write like that. Amber. Yes, thank you for being on the show.

Thank you for having me.

I really hope you turn this whole thing around.

You got I plan to, I plan to.

Yeah, I've got a I've got a four point plan to fix America. You don't need to fix America, Okay, just the Democratic Party.

Yah, that would be that'd be nice. But also what you should do right now is just for the next four years. Let's let's just take care of the daughters. Yeah, and then then pop your head back up.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's my plan. Yeah, go to the park, you know, bake some cakes.

By the way, the cakes. I didn't talk enough about that.

You didn't call me for taro either. I was promised.

Well, I mean, is that really something you believe in or is it just something Yeah?

Well, yes, yes, I love it deeply, But it's not.

Like it's not like reading or do you do reading?

I give readings.

Yeah, actually no, I think I could convince you that it's not dumb, because do you want.

Me to convince me? Yeah, I'm dying for this, Okay.

Tarot cards are like universal like young and symbols, you know, Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey.

Yes, so that is sort of that do you.

Not you do?

Yeah?

It was more.

So those those symbols are like universal symbols that we project our subconscious onto. Basically, we are laying out cards and then we tell story and that's just like storytelling. So it's not like magic. It doesn't have to be magic, like I'm not telling the future.

It's therapy for witches exactly.

It's therapy for witches. Yes, exactly.

I don't believe in therapy. So I've got a lot of problems. Well, I'm I don't want to work through my problems.

By talking about Oh sorry, I don't want to work through your problems, got it.

I'd prefer to suppress nothing is wrong.

Ever, No, everything's wrong. I'm aware.

Sorry, If you're just accepting, Yeah, that's very Buddhist of you, isn't it?

Look at that you're enlightened.

Found I finally found my religion. All right, thank you for fixing the world. Amber.

Okay, you welcome, Thank you.

I don't have a sign off.

Oh no, work on it. Do you want me to write you one?

Write me a sign off that I can do my all right, we'll pay for it, guys. Do we having the budget?

Hire me? Please?

Casha?

Hey, thank you Amber. Enjoy the inauguration. You guys can't believe it. But I somehow shave for the interview and then grow back the scruff for the sendoff. That's wild stuff. How you doing, Carl? You get groom tomorrow. There are some knots in you. I can tell anyway. Hey, guys, you know our free plug Segmentah, it's having an effect on me. We've plugged bowling two times and I haven't bowled in ten years, and I found myself recently bowling. Look at you, buddy, and it really opened my eyes

Maybe might have kept you out of the gutter?

Ah, I was using a twelve?

I mean later in the oil patterns are so different.

Later Oh okay, I don't there was no oil pattern. I don't know what that means. Here's Eddie, what I want you to guess for real? I just just and not not for where I was, but just this is just to show you how in touch I am, because I thought this is ridiculous. What do you think bowling for one hour, one lane, one hour? What is what does that cost? I thought it should be like two dollars and fifty cents.

I was gonna say forty.

You said forty.

Yeah, I'm gonna think forty.

It was fifty. All right. Okay, so you're not out of touch. But isn't that number huge?

Well would seem so. But you have eleven people there.

Well, we're not supposed to have eleven people. If I would have had one, it would have been fifty dollars.

It's way better though that you get bolmore.

That's better My takeaway. Still, I don't get bullying at all. All right, let's talk gambling for a split second. That had a bad season betting on football. It's always easy for people to mock people's picks from the sidelines. But now I'm giving you an opportunity. Put in the comments section your lock of the week, any bet that you think I should make, I will put all my money on it. I'll do it starting next week. Okay, check out a tossshowstore dot com. Get some merch. We got