My AV Guy - John Alfano

What's the A V budget.

You're doing everything on a house, you know, the lighting, the cameras, the TV, the theater.

Our entry level jobs are around three hundred thousand dollars, okay, and they go all the way up to about six million dollars.

Tosh shot, Tosh shot to show.

It's toss show time. Who's ready to be entertained? I am, but I can't hear you.

I am. You can do better than that. I want to be entertained.

Shenw's the gist. Shenw's the gist. Shenw's the GISTs.

Everybody, no, oh, Dylan, or who's just got back from a cruise that happen to be fun?

I was on a cruise once for a week. Let me shut up. I can't shut up.

We have to sing it. Yeah, now's a guest. All right, here's that the people need to know. I'm almost fifty, Eddie's over fifty. And this guy one time, he created this character and if you say his name Chanel's I guess three times, he just starts talking like that until you sing his name five times to stop talking like that. These were the rules that he came up with, and it like it made our wives just furious. We just

It's divorced dragon. What is it?

What's the character worst?

Divorced dragon? Father to smoker? And sometimes he pulls his diaper off.

There's the backstory to his character.

It's beetlejuice. I'm sure.

Listen, there's there's a lot of things.

I don't have any water today, you guys, what are you trying. You can't do a podcast without water. That's a rule.

Now watch this magically, look at that water the real time.

I gotta I gotta be careful how many times I say the word, because because he'll keep track over there, and then that character comes out and you can't stop them.

You can only sing them, sing them to sleep.

But I used to do it in the writer's room and nobody else knew about our little inside character that he had created, and it would just do just throw throw everything off. I would just walk by the writer's room, say his name three times and then just leave for forty five minutes and I knew nothing was gonna get done that day.

Those good times. You watch the NBA Finals.

Ed, I am watching them.

Who you rooting for?

I mean, I can't root for Boston, so Dallas you can't root can't.

I like the city, don't like the sports teams now.

I hate the sports teams, uh for the most part as well. And I'm told as a Miami Heat fan that I have to hate the Celtics, but I don't actually.

Hate the team.

Yeah, and and Dallas now they've cost the Heat a title or two, so I could hate them, I don't. I mean, Kyrie Irving bothers me. I feel like every every postgame interview, some reporters to say, hey, just just checking in, you still think the Earth is flat? And and uh any any hot takes on Gaza and then then and then move on to sports related questions.

You just you just can't.

It's just unacceptable to ever believe the earth was flat for a second. And if you do, then that that should for the rest of your life. He should be oh, I was joking, doesn't matter. Every question should be like, well, before I ask you about uh your lack of UH playing well in this series? UH is the earth flat, and I don't like uh Luca's whining. That bothers me hard to cheer for Boston. I don't hate the players, though,

Prichard?

Ah, they should there should be a rule for him in the NBA that when he's playing in Boston he's allowed to play with a cigarette in his mouth. That's what he looks like to me, Like, he's just like he's just called off the street and I'll play basketball, sure, give me the ball. I know how to shoot. Uh, that would be fun. And then what's his name? Derek White?

I know he's not.

White, but counts for something that.

Probably ingratiates him with the with the city of Boston. I don't know who I want to win, just the currently the series is let's see what we're gonna dub in something, because right now it's two zero, but I'm this by the time this airs, it'll be either over or three to one.

I don't know. I'll tell you what.

All sports franchises need to consider relocating their team to Las Vegas.

That's what I want.

I want every team in every sport to be in Vegas. How's that sound, Eddie, It sounds great. Yeah, you want to go see live sports, you go to Vegas. They're still called the Boston Celtics, you know, the Boston Red Sox, but they play in Vegas. How about that play in tournament in the NBA in Vegas, they do that outside. You have to literally play to get inside. Hey, you win, you get to play in the AC Lose, you're out in the one ten.

Oh people will die.

That was like that one finals game, the Heat versus the Spurs, when San Antonio didn't pay their AC bill. Lebron was just cramping up on the sideline. Popovich, huh, ahead of his time. But I like the idea of all sports franchises being in Vegas. These cities don't have to dole out billions of dollars for their new stadiums. It's just in Vegas. It's fun. You go there, you watch, you cheer, you lose money the end. This makes Vegas

Now?

You keep them?

You monster truck rallies, Trump rallies, Taylor Swift shows, whatever you do.

I don't know.

That's what stadiums are for. If you want to watch sports, you go to Vegas.

I don't go. Do you go see sports live Eddie? Every once in a while? Every once in a while. That's a hard pass for me.

I just want to stay home in front of my beautiful home entertainment system, which I paid way too much for, got a thousand dollars. Remote control never works, doesn't hold a charge, always searching for a signal, has to log into the Internet before I can hit pause.

It's infuriating.

I got a million complaints, but I'll save them for today's guest. Enjoy, Pasha. My guest today is the one I call well my smart home doesn't work. He's my neighbor, he's my avy guy, he's a longtime friend. Please welcome John Alfano, John, Am I right?

Is it John?

Yep? Still your name still? John?

John?

Are you a junior, I am your Your middle name is the same as your dad's too. Oh your day. You got a great father. I love your day. I love your mom too. You got great parents. Yet you turned out kind.

Of eh, very questionable.

Yes, how many siblings did? Do you have?

Younger sister and younger brother.

And you're all extremely Italian?

I already know where this is going. Yeah, no, yes, very yes. My dad's will blowed Italian and my mom's hung Garrett.

So your dad a Vietnam veteran?

Is he? Yep?

He wears that hat and I've never actually checked up to make sure it wasn't stolen Valor.

It's funny too, because like he never wore the hat until probably the last like ten years, so like.

He wears it every day.

It was like, now he wears it every day, But like, is he doing it.

For free coffee? What's he doing it for? Does he get free coffee when he wears that hat?

He should?

I bet he should?

All right?

So your dad was your dad was an electrician yep, and then you became an electrician yep.

Worked from a dad and then into that process saw that I thought I saw the future was going to technology mm hmm, started hanging flat TVs when they came out, and running speaker wires for people.

And now you're an avy giant.

Yes, And then we'll get into how much money I wasted and everyone else in the world. How many times have you been electrocuted in your life?

I couldn't even count. That's that's something you don't even keep track of. It's like how many times you misspelled something when you start writing a letter.

Does it hurt?

It's it's it's it's uh, it's like juvenating. It's like juvenating for a second.

Yeah, rejuvenating. Is that what you want to say. That's that's the word. Yes, rejuvenated. Okay, all right, electrifying.

Oh yeah, So you've been electric uted a lot, a lot in terms of electricity. What's the most dangerous thing for someone to do themselves?

Anytime you got to take something out of the wall, you should call it professional because you have an opportunity to get shocked. So, like anything past changing your cover plates or changing a light bulb, you should probably call it professional.

What about when you have to do that converter. I watched you mess that up before. Yeah, where you didn't have a convert it was like to forty coming out or something.

Oh, yeah, because if you get shocked by two forty versus like what's cut out the walls, like, that's a little bit different.

Of a show.

Well, you didn't get shocked.

Actually, you just plugged in my beautiful chandelier and it was too forty.

Uh and every ball just like went blow, just went.

And I was like, what in the a fireworks show? You're like, this isn't one twenty. I'm like, I don't fucking know. That wasn't my office.

See that was the off. Oh there was two seventy seven. That's what that was. That was commercial electricity. Yeah, I think we fried a couple of things.

Now you are born and raised in Los Angeles, correct. And we met down in Hermosa Beach at the Commede Magic Club after a show. I was a young kid at the time. I had just moved to South Bay and then you're like, hey, I can hang a TV or something. I don't know what I'd said, yeah, and I was like, come over my house. I got work for you already. I had no money, but I had a little hot I had bought a house, my first home in South Bay with all the money that I.

Made from Taco bell commercials. That was how I got to move down there.

Yeah.

I think the only reason you talked to me is because I was with my girlfriend, but she had like four of her girlfriends with us.

Yeah, so you're like, oh, then we went out.

But the thing was you know that is true, but you know the uh, your wife's older sister was with you guys that night too.

Nicky was there too. Yeah.

She's like, I bet you can't tell which one of us is older. I'm like, I can tell you're older. How much does this Heather Way much.

She weigh Yeah, one hundred and fifteen pounds.

Huh.

Interesting, But I.

Just think that's a funny question for her if she's listening, he just asking I Wan time Way. You're a partner at AHT Global.

What's HT stand for Advanced Home Theater. You're basically geek Squad for the super rich.

Or like geek Squad for the one percent of the one percent.

If it's technology related, everything from Internet and cameras and TVs and speakers and lighting and shades. Right now, the coolest thing we're doing are the LED walls.

Led walls, there's no screen, there's no television. It's just the full wall is an led wall, full.

Wall side, any size you could do, any shape you could do, and it's the full It's like a Las Vegas sports book when you walk in, so you can watch one thing at one.

Time and you can watch it all in four K four K.

It's yeah, and then it never turns off, like you make it so, it never turns off, so there's not like a black wall. It literally turns into like interactive art or something, so there's like interactive art.

When it's off, you can watch stuff through it. It's cameras, you know.

Can you divide it up and like not make it as the full screen?

Yeah, watch something small, do ten things at one time. That's pretty some houses like in basements that are windows, it's pretty cool.

TVs have gotten really cheap, though, haven't they.

TV's like the stock market.

Like when they come out, they're expensive for like a couple of weeks, and then they drop in about every six months.

There's like a new line coming in.

You fought me you were trying to put TVs in every room in my house, or at least the wiring.

I said, don't. I don't need it.

I go the future, we're not gonna need actual hardwired TVs And was I right you?

Yeah, this is you're the first friend and client I know that carries a TV around into suitcase.

Oh the lgs.

By the way, I've seen that one pop up on some of these blogs lately, and it's more expensive when than the one I bought or when when it first came out. I got it like eight undred bucks a year ago. I love that thing. I mean, you haven't seen it yet, you'll like it. How many studs do you need to hit to her to be strong enough to hold one of these TV's up with these brackets?

Just one once, they recommend too, but one stubtle.

Do if you just hit one bolt, one stud that's strong enough.

Yeah, I mean there's sometimes we do it with just with drywall, with just the regular anchors and stuff.

Well, that's because TV's gotten lightd.

Like when plasma TV's first came out, they were like three hundred pounds.

Oh I had one of those old Sonys.

Yeah, Like I mean it's like I think Eddy's that Sony still hanging. No, that thing died. It was heavy. Just getting it off the mount was like, oh my god. Yeah, that was a heavy TV.

Holy shit, you know Danny Villa, Man, he still gets mad at you over the thinking that you hung a TV in his apartment crooked And this might have been twenty years ago, and he won't he won't let it go. He's still like, he's like, he ripped me off, man, that TV is crooked. What kind of budget are people putting in for Let's just start with a theater.

So you know the glass sling glass ceiling for like a like a super super high in theater with like DCI, which is first run movies like that you have like in movie theaters right, like if you want to watch them day in.

The day they come out.

What people do this?

This is this is people in Hollywood.

There's an eclectic group of people in Hollywood who can't go to like movie theaters, right, stuff in their house.

But just because they can't go to the theaters doesn't mean they can't wait fucking three weeks.

But if you're an executive, you need to be watching stuff whatever.

How much does that cost?

Just just the entry.

Level for that, just the equipment, just for that, not building out the room and stuff, is half a million dollars right, just for video equipment, the projector and all that type of stuff. Then once you put speakers and build the room out, you're usually about a million to a million five for their home. The home theater in somebody's house.

Those are big numbers. Those are big numbers. My theater side that you that you build out.

For me is as the fan on it is so loud on the projector, on the projector, it's because you have a laser projector right, Like there's like a laser in there.

So that's it's cooling, it's cooling everything. I don't give it fuck it's loud. Well, you have a laser sitting over your head.

So I'll tell you what the problem too. Is Like within six months you're like, well, yeah, that's you should replace that.

And I'm like, what I thought? You know, I thought I was gonna have that forever.

There's new tech like every year, right look at think about your phones and that type of stuff. If you're buying like top notch stuff now, you can kind of future proof yourself for about six eight years.

You can future proof yourself for eight years.

But if you take things that aren't as new and stuff like that, and you go like to the mid tier and that type of stuff. I mean, it's like every two years.

What about security cameras? What do you what do you spend it on people's security systems.

We're doing somebody's house right now that we're spending in malibuy, like a million dollars on security cameras.

Just on the camera just throughout the house.

Is that P Diddy?

No?

All right, So you's been a million on camera.

But the camera world has changed because like now everything has AI built into it.

So the literally have like facial recondition software.

Pull the guy in wearing a blue shirt like save people license plate readers, suspicious activity. You can like drop a bag like circle something in the camera and it'll like take you around the entire house every time.

That like object was somewhere and build a story.

Huh. It's not like a security guard really sitting behind a booth anymore. So if you need content, you can get it.

Is it wasted money making your home a smart home?

The answer to that for me and not because I want to sell you.

The answer is no, because everything goes smart, right, Like look at the evolution of cell phones, look at the evolution of bluetooth speakers and everything you have. If you buy a standalone air conditioning unit, it has an.

App that you can control from your phone.

Right, so you're going to be able to control everything in your house. And if you have a larger home, just picture like, if you live in a twenty thousand square foot house, how long it would take you to turn off the lights? O.

I can't imagine that.

I mean because I live in a tiny eight thousand square foot house. I just can't imagine twenty thousand thousand square fing Who would need such such riches?

Now?

I hate I hate almost everything, but I will admit you. You talk me into stuff, and then I say yes. I will say that when everything works the way it's supposed to, I love it. I couldn't agree with you more. It makes life easier using your phone, turn on all your dumb lights and turn stuff off.

And what else?

I like to be able to turn my jacuzzie on with a phone because it takes about thirty minutes to heat up, so you like to do it before you get home?

What's the av budget?

You're doing everything on a house, you know, the lighting, the cameras, the TV, the theater.

Are you like, oh.

We we're not a company that can do starting less than what I think.

Our entry level jobs are around three hundred thousand dollars okay, and they go all the way up to about six million dollars.

Okay.

Now you you and your company. You have all my passwords to my cameras.

Correct, h huh and WiFi and my wife and apple tude what keeps.

And you have to you have to vouch for everyone that works for you. Yeah, I don't, I don't know. Something bad is going to happen.

There's like a security protocol that everything sits underneath that anytime you log into these things, it makes a carbon footprint of who looked at it and how long, so we know when people are looking.

How oftny you guys just watching me and my wife walking around making love in every room?

Huh?

You guys watch that? No?

No, what's the most insane? I mean, like you're you're walking into people's homes and they're doing god knows what. I'm sure you've seen some awful things or some exciting things.

Being involved, like in the technology in the house, and you're pretty intimate with the family because of passwords and setting stuff up music and all that kind of stuff.

You know, there's been times where like clients will get a divorce and it's.

Like I don't they got to be locked out, Like I don't want so and so coming back and oh they got access on their phone, you got to turn their access off?

Or like who's got access to the cameras?

So you're doing that stuff.

Yeah, it's like you.

Know, sometimes I'm like have the you're calling me and work it out, like who like who gets me in the custody? You know, like who gets the house and who's allowed to see my kids are in that house? Like I got to see you know, I don't care that I'm not living there.

You're logging people out.

Oh that's good stuff, that's fun.

Yeah.

What's the most common gate code people are using?

Actually, the most common codes that people will use is their phone number.

Or their address.

What but password?

Password?

Use?

It gets used a lot.

About double O seven. You always have double oh seven in yours.

Everybody knows my passwords?

Well I shouldn't. Why do I know your password? Because a lot of me you set them up. They're like, oh, it's just try password double O seven. I'm like, all right, try one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight nine, zero. If that doesn't work, try zero, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Eight nine.

I'm like, God, damn it, Where's the craziest place you've ever hidden installed a camera for a client? Let me think of See, I don't have any of my nanny cams on your system. They're all not Wi Fi because I'm just terrified of somebody hacking into it and or talking to my children. You ever seen those videos where like people hacking too those and then they start talking to the kids.

Listen, And that's one thing everybody has to remember, Like anything that's on the Internet is hackable.

What's the craziest place you've ever hid in a camera for a client?

So not that I've put it in like at a specific location, but I've like anything weird that anybody's requested. But I did have this one client and like we put eighty cameras in the inside of his house.

Like an only fans person.

It's just like he was like and it was weird, okay, he and it was a big house and he was no no, no actor, no no nobody of that native.

Business somebody with money business.

It was money and like in California, in California, Uh, huh. Now he had like eighty cameras the inside of the house. Uh huh, big house. Yeah, he was the one person who lived there.

Yeah.

It was like he was like spine on his staff, like like, oh, like I want to make sure they made that bed up in the guest bedroom that nobody sleeps in type of thing.

Like.

It was just bizarre and the irenoid maybe, and he looked like motion like alarm sensors.

He made us put in you work an Aspen a lot YEP. Airport's terrifying.

It's flying, it's the it's the worst airport to get in it out of.

Well it's not.

It's just it's just scary because they have to drop into it and then then they have to take off like a rocket ship to get out of it.

And if there's like wind, they did like twelve miles an hour, they won't do it.

Do you? Like?

The homes are the rich people in Aspen better or worse than the rich people in Malibu.

They're the same people, just just their Aspen house or Balibu house, or their New York house or their Florida house.

You know, Hey, you met your hero once, didn't you?

Before he died?

Yeah, So one of my cooler experiences I got to meet James Gandolfini. He called me to do some work and the first time I met him was like at his house in Beverly Hills.

I show up.

He's got a full on opens a door, full on jumpsuit and he was like, yeah, I got this.

I got this box in the garage. I want you to check out. It's got my two channel system love two channel high fi audio. So we go to his garage. Guy grabs a crowbar.

It's in like like a wooden crate, and he's like prying open and like like cussing, like opens up and I'm like, dude, I'm in a garage tony soprano in a jumpsuit and he's got a crowbar in his hand, opened up a box like.

I was like, this is fucking awesome.

That's pretty neat.

And he died like a month later. It was literally, it was literally like in that timing of things.

Do you think it had anything to do with the crowbar?

No? No? Do you believe in ghosts? Absolutely not neat?

No, yes you do.

No, I'm not stupid. There's no suchity as fucking ghost.

What about the Holy ghost.

You know you already know where I stand on that.

No, oh, you don't believe in that. I thought I thought your Italian roots would would trump.

That, which is ironic.

But uh, let's talk Tahoe for a second. You came to visit me in Tahoe, you and your wife, and this was a long time ago, and your wife was was very pregnant with your firstborn son. Yep, Okay, I'll let you take over the story from there.

So we're on vacation with you.

And the snow conditions weren't that good that year.

They were ship they.

Were up, we were up there.

It was like, and you're one of these people.

I'm like, I gotta go snowboarding for here. And nobody wanted to.

Go because it was shit, because it was it was an acy and there was no good snow.

So I decided to go by myself. You went to north Star, went to Dorstar by myself.

You rode the backside, which is all black diamonds.

All black diamond and I ate shit and woke up four days later.

Okay, so I'm with his extremely pregnant wife, and you know you're not supposed to ride alone. Everyone knows that you're not supposed to ski alone. You're supposed to snoboard alone. And he kept going like like let's go. I'm like, it's not in the cards, buddy. The snow is bad. I don't want to go ride on ice. It's not fun. So he goes alone because he's one of these guys. It's like, you know, it goes to Disney's, like, but we get there at ten o'clock and we leave at midnight or what.

I gotta get every dollar's worth, you know what I'm talking about. All right?

Yeah, so I'm in this house. We get a phone call and it's uh. It was like I was like, what in the world. And it was like, I don't know how they got my phone. Now I think, No, No, they were calling your wife because your wife was in the shower. I remember this, oh, because I remember the water pouring down her body when I gave her the good news that her husband was dead.

No, but she was in the shower, that's right.

So her phone kept ringing and I answered it because it had been a bit and I'm like, we haven't heard from John, and and it like said police department or hospital or something. So I answered it and They're like, there was an accident. John's in the hospital. And then I was like, wait a second, are you And I was like, is this hospital in Reno? And I'm like, oh shit, which is always the irony if you get really hurt in beautiful Tahoe you wake up in Reno,

And I said, We've got anyway.

It doesn't matter. Those details are blurry.

I was.

I was like, hey, there's an accident. We got to go to the hospital.

Now, your wife is a nurse, so she's you know, she's not a panic.

She was a little panic because they wouldn't give it any information until you guys got there.

Right, you're in a coma for four days, by the way, when you when you woke up and you just saw all of us there.

No, So when I woke up, the first person who I saw was my mom, yeah, which I'm like that didn't make sense to me, like, oh, this this isn't good, Like like oh, like she wasn't on vacation with us, Like I was like, and I remember like looking down at like my toes, my fa then falling kind of back asleep.

But I was like, all right, this this is not good.

I remember seeing your penis in the hospital. Oh ah, god, you're hairy. He's just a hairy man.

I was.

I remember it.

I was like, I was like, you know what, you should always kind of trim up just in case, just engaging.

Ever since that conversation, I've kept myself on another one.

The ironic thing is you own a Saint Bernard, don't you. I do, A mountain dog that could save your life. I never even thought you fucked everyone's vacation up with your selfishness.

I mean, I get airlifted like at a helicopter.

I know you don't remember it.

I don't know I remember it.

She knows it was. They put you in a koma.

You didn't put yourself into it because you were being so combative.

I could I couldn't remember anything.

Well, that that was the story they gave us.

Did you think of that moment though, that I was going to raise your son? Yeah? Did that? Did it ever flash through your mind?

No?

I mean I certainly wasn't gonna let your brother do it.

Imagine how much better your son's life would have been had I been his father.

Do you ever think about that? He got so close? Oh, you got so close.

We partnered in on something, and then I was like, you got to move to Malibu, and you're like fine, and you moved to Malibu, and now you're like, just you're the president of the little league in Malibu. Your your friends with Iron Man and his whole family. Like, what a what a different direction your life took, because because when I first met you, you just lived under the airport.

What was that Where was that house?

West Chester?

West Chester?

Yeah, those were fun nights when I'd be sleeping and you'd be coming back from the comedy club and knock on my window at like two am, and I'd answer the door and you'd throw like dog shit off the lawn, like in a bag.

In a bag, Yeah, I picked up after your dog.

Yeah, you'd like throw it at me or my wife or she was my girl.

By the way, your wife that you married was you had a crush on her high school, but she didn't like you at all.

Is that correct?

She either had a boyfriend or I had a girlfriend, so we did date in high school.

But she wasn't interested in you.

I don't know, still to be determined if she's interested in me now still so all right.

But then you guys ended up getting together.

And when I met you, guys were a couple and there was a it was how long did you guys have that separation?

Boy? That year? Was that? Two years?

How about a year or two? Oh?

We call those the good times. I had to pick sides. Your friends break up and you have to. So I saw did with her because she had more girlfriends. John I would hang out occasionally. But then you guys got back together. Then you got married, and now you have three beautiful children. Yep, one of them gotch a bitch, but they're all beautiful. But one of them, good god. She I don't want to tip who it is. Today is you know, today's my anniversary?

H huh No, yeah, congratulation. How eight years? Eight years?

And you know what I'm gonna tell you this, honestly, you know, you know about the seven year itch. The seven year itch is like that's where people say, like, that's about the time that you want to cheat on your significant other. The seven year itch not as bad as the eight year itch. Oh, the eight the eight year itch is strong, got a scratch. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?

Heather? Preferably something she still doesn't know about.

Oh, do you want to answer this?

Don't answer psychopathy. You're gonna get yourself into so much trouble. Do you ever banged one of your customers? Don't answer true or false. I've had anal with your mother in law.

I've known I've known John for twenty some odd years whatever, and for some reason, I've always just made this joke about his wife. At the time, I think at the beginning of the joke it was just his girlfriend about uh oh. I'd always hook him. It was kind of a d's Nuts joke. I'd beg hey, John, I'd see him. I go, hey, John, what's going on? He said nothing. I go, Man, you won't believe this. He's like what, And I'm like, I just finished having anal with your

The sad part is how many times I fell for it. Uh huh.

I literally would fall for it all the time. And then when you would look at me and go, Bonnie.

Oh, Bonnie, Bonnie, Oh, good old Bonnie. The thing is I want I'm gonna say it now. I never actually had anal with her.

I remember when you moved in next to me, and my gardeners came over to do your yard, and you like haggled with them for so long, and I was like, bro, just fucking pay them, and You're like, no, no, I have to let them know that I'm not like a real Malibu person, like I'm a I'm a working class person. It just lives out here. I'm like, God, damn it, fucking John, They're gonna fucking do a shitty job on my house now.

Anyway, you fired them, I think.

Yeah, then I found somebody to work for my prices, and then they didn't do anything and I ended up doing half of it myself.

Then my pool guys are coming over and cleaning your jacuzzie and you're like, You're like, one day you just said, hey, can you just teach me how to do it so I don't have to pay you?

And he's like, yeah, sure, I'll teach you how to do it.

Yeah, funny he did, and he was like he's like usually I come in your backyard and play with your dog for about ten minutes, and then I just sprinkle of this out of here and I'm out of here.

It's pretty easy, dude.

I was like, I see, I like it because I like the company.

I like.

I like all these people that know my gate codes.

I have a separate gate codes for staff and then gate codes it's my personal one. But I've forgotten my personal ones if I only use the one that I know. Yeah, anyway, you're also the president of the Malibu Little League.

That I am. Why apparently, I like Apparently like a lot of drama.

I mean, that's just nonsense. To deal with those people, It's it's insane.

I listen. I like the kids, and I like the sports.

But did you play baseball growing up?

Nope, which is even funnier. Uh No, I did play baseball, but Gianni liked it. Next thing I know, I'm the president and now I take parents phone calls at night about everything.

All right, I gotta give you some gifts. Anybody comes to my show, they get gifts, and I already know that you're my size. So here these are some Italian sneakers. They got the Italian flag on them. Oh, you'll like them. They're they're real Italian.

You like those?

You and I have been. You've been giving me shoes for years, but never with it Italian.

Look at this jumpsuit.

Now, this jumpsuit right here has only been worn in one scene of the new episode TV show I shot called the Goat and and and it's been dry clean professionally. But I think you're the only one I know that will wear something that fucking hideous.

These are Italian?

Are the slippers? No?

The shoes?

Oh those are cool? Yeah, I know you're you know all we're all this shit. This is so.

These are hideous, but they've never been worn, They've never been been on my feet. But you you like ugly shit?

Are these these are kyriees?

I don't know, is that what they are?

Yeah? These are kyries.

Why do you say kyrie like that? You don't to say kyrie, Kyrie?

Kyrie?

Give this off my fucking table.

What do you think of that stupid globe in Vegas? Does that blow your mind to It's it's like that's like the you're heaven. Oh, it's it's everything.

That's five billion dollars worth of technology, like the most trans sending experience you can have for like.

Did you go there? I haven't gone yet?

Oh, what the fuck's wrong with you? That's your thing?

Well, because you two has been playing there, I'm a huge fan. I was like, I want to see who's going to play next?

Yeah?

Who would you like to see there? Bruce Springsteen?

Who would you want to like?

I don't know, Like what's your music? I don't even know. I don't know what music. You listen to? Hip hop?

Sports hip hop?

You're listening to sports.

But let's talk about your sports because you're a bullshit sports person.

I'm an LA guy. Yeah, I'm from l A, a true LA fan.

Yet you used to say you were a die hard forty nine Ers fan when we had no team.

No, you had a team.

You had the Raiders and you had the Rams in your lifetime.

I never knew you when the Raiders and Rams were here.

I don't care if you knew me. You you like the forty nine ers because you were a front running kid.

Because I like Joe Montana, Jerry Rice.

All right, we all did, but we didn't.

You don't.

You don't call them your team.

So you called them your team and then once La Rams started getting good, You're like, I'm a Rams fan, and now that the Chargers are kind of hot, You're like, I'm not a.

Charge I'm a Rams fan, a Dodger fan, and a Laker fan.

You're a dieard Lakers fan.

You know that.

I've had many Kobe arguments over the years.

Sure, who's the greatest Laker of all time?

Kobe Bryant?

No, it's Lebron James. How is Lebron James not the greatest Laker?

I mean, I'm not saying that that this this particular moment of his career, but is Lebron James not universally considered a better basketball player overall than Kobe Bryant? Yes, okay, and they're both they were both Lakers, so that therefore that means.

What did Lebron do for the franchise? What did Kobe do? Kobe win five championships. He wanted champion Lakers.

He wanted Lakers championship. That point, that bullshit bubble thing, Yeah, whatever, We'll take it.

You guys have aston a parade for that dumb bubble year. You wouldn't let to leave our houses. And you think Kobe's better than Magic and kareem growing up.

Like I've watched Magic, loved Magic, but like the journey Kobe took us on the journey, Kobe would fucking Kobe died like I've never I've never cried that much over a grown man.

I never met my life, and I wouldn't have felt the same way against Magic.

You know where I was when Kobe Bryant died. It was the craziest thing. I was surfing in Fiji. I was in the middle of the ocean. A boat had taken me and this Pete was with me. He was on the boat getting seasick, puking like a fucking idiot, and I'm surfing and Millia. We get back to the boat and that's how big of a news was. These guys that didn't speak English, you know, Boulah, Kobe Bryant. They just rove the radio. Kobe Bryant died and I'm

That's crazy.

In the middle of the ocean in Fiji.

I actually that morning Giohnny got invited to a birthday party. M I drove over the hill. So I drove through that fog over Canaan.

You're you're a liar and have revisionist history. It probably was like three days later and you're just retelling the story his birthday.

I remember the fall, No, I remember, because I'm there. Heather text calls me and she's crying. She's like, Kobe died, and I'm like, what are you talking about? COVID She's like a helicopter crash. And I looked it up and it was like three miles from where I was.

We were in Calabastle. I fucking drove over there.

That's how I fed up.

I like drove over there.

Was sitting there with all this traffic, with a bunch of people looking like zombies, Like what are we doing?

What were you going to do?

I don't know. I just had my son with me, and I'm like, let's go.

You brought your son down, help Kobe.

I don't know. It was like I was in such shocked, man, Like.

That's fucking the worst parenting I've fucking I ever heard of my life. Hey, there's a there's dead people over here. Let's let's go check it out. Do you recommend living next door to a comedian prone to tomfoolery.

Only if you want to be fucked with your entire life, right, Like, how many times did you like hit in my garage and like I just like walk in the middle of the day to like it wasn't like, oh, I'm going to work, you'd like be in there and be like and make me ship my pants almost or something.

Or I do enjoy scaring people.

It's always been my.

Thing, A good healthy scare. You'd always get me on. There was a time where like I was like walking out of my house, would you scare me? Like I think I've dropped my brand new iPhone on the ground. Like the funni thing though, is like think about like how you worre with my kids when they were younger, before you had kids, Like you.

Would come over and giotny be like, well you're just not next to you. That would still be going on right now, You're you won't finish construction.

You'd like walk in and be like, oh, do you eat dessert? Like I'm gonna eat the rest of your brownie and they'd be like we had we had explained to the kids that like you were like a character, Like oh, it's like the cat the Hat's coming over. It's Daniel, our neighbor. He's like, cat, like, he's I know good one time?

I well, yes, But so once you started, you guys started calling me. The kids started calling me cat and the hat. I I came over to your house one time and I had put a piece of cake on my head and I had a hat over it, and then I just sat down. I took my hat off, and then I just started eating cake. And they were they thought it was the greatest thing they'd ever seen.

In their lives.

They're like, this guy is this guy is amazing. He's got cake on his head.

But that's mostly just because you love dessert. I have a sweet tooth and my family knows it. Like what Heather they the other night, I don't know. It was late at night.

I get a text from your wife, just beautiful tit shot.

No, shouldn't send those to me anymore?

No, she did.

She doesn't send them to me. She says, hey, have you had dessert yet? And I'm like, oh, it's the best text in the world. And I'm like I'm like yes, but that doesn't mean anything. Uh, And she's like, Okay, I'm coming over. So she comes over and she had made a new pudding chocolate cake. And rarely, rarely do I like other people's you know, idea of what they think is a good dessert. But that was heaven.

She knew it was just enough undercooked. Oh yeah, it would be all about it.

I was good. The problem was and I'm going now to complain.

She brought a cart and of ice cream with it, and then my wife goes, oh, we'll just take just like we don't need your whole cart, and just my wife just like scooped like one small bowl full of ice cream, and I'm like, what the fuck are we now? The next two days I still had this whole cake and I had a like I had no ice cream, but that.

Wasn't not only was that not your second desert the day? Did you have dessert at lunch? Well?

I have dessert after each meal.

Do you think that's why you shit your pants so much? Like?

I remember when I was moving to Balbu and you were like, all right, so like here's the things you need to know, like this is where you go eat, and then you were like, and when you're at p H if you got to.

Go to the bathroom. All the porta potties are on the ocean side.

Whether they're on the ocean side, every every almost every half mile you can get a port man. That one near Winding Trail, which is on the other side, happened to me. Thank god it was opened at this hour one night, because I barely got inside of their before all hell broke loose and.

I was sitting there, like, why you tell me all the bathroom just in case you catch here. I'm like most of us don't shit our pants. I'm like you and like my father in law. The only two people I know.

Your father laws shit his pants at You're at your not a wedding.

It was that end Cabo in Cabo.

At Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, he shits his pants at the restaurant.

It's the best. It was the best Thanksgiving ever.

Speaking of alt right, I have to bring this up because I get a lot of grief on my show because people always because I'm such a disgusting democrat loose.

But but people need to know that I hang out with all walks of life.

Now you I consider you all right, not just because of your haircut, but because you stormed the Castle of January sixth, did you not yes or no?

No?

Okay, you met.

There was a time that you liked the Santez, which I thought almost made me want to stab you in the throat, but I didn't. I turned turned to blind eye. Look at this two people from He's from California, I'm from Florida. And boy, politically, politically, you and I do not see.

Eye to eye.

We flip flopped.

I call everyone, all right now if they don't believe in everything I believe in. You drive a Tesla, which is an alt right vehicle now and you have Florida plates?

Fucked you up? Florida plates.

It's a company car for Florida based the companies we have offices from.

The Just was that car ever in Florida?

Yeah? That that car came from Florida. You drove a Tesla across They shipped it out, and they.

Shipped it all right. I was like, I was like, why does my neighbor have a Tesla with Florida plates on it?

I couldn't. I have never understood that. What is Lebron James's address?

No college?

Do you have more athletes or entertainment like like film, television stars? Where is athletes. More your bread and butter.

Here in LA mostly entertainment, mostly entertainment, mostly entertainment with some athletes, but then sprinkled across the country more athletes than entertainment.

Any any politicians?

Now, did work for who's the vice president?

Who's the vice president? Kamala?

Yeah, so I didn't work for her, but her neighbor's house next door. So anytime she's in like there's a whole like barricade you have to get through when you go to that up that street in Brentwood, I'll say where she lives.

She lives in Brentwood. Jesus, right, fucking alt right.

This is the al right shit, This is the all right shit I have to deal with. I'm gonna put your father on blast for his stolen valor. Well, John, I'm sure Heather will be very upset with me when this airs. But thank you for being on the show.

Thank you, eybody?

All right, Pasha, I want to thank John for being on the podcast Fight a Nickel for every time something went wrong with my av system and he quickly got there to fix it. I would have a Nickel check this out. I got an email randomly from someone that worked at north Star, the ski resort where John had his accident. They randomly wrote to us. They said, Hey, this is Russ. I'm enjoying the podcast. Interesting and funny

You like that?

Oh?

What's that? This is my new pen.

This is from the Boulevard penthouses at where is it? Where we where do we work? The Cosmopolitan? I stole one of your pins already, Cosmo. Come check me out in Vegas and uh, maybe I'll give you my pen.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I got another show's coming up. You know we're gonna be in New Orleans, Carl, do you know about that? You love New Orleans, don't you? You just love the rich culture?

What else do we have?

Oh, we're gonna be in Hawaii, in Maui and Honolulu. That'll be fun. Come spend your Thanksgiving with us. I won't be bringing Carl, because I'm pretty sure Hawaii still has too many loopholes to jump through to bring the dogs, so I just leave them home. They're happier anyway. I'm ahallow for your patience. What else Boyswearpink dot Com and the Goat wrapping that season up. Can't wait to have exciting news about the Goat too.

I don't know. I don't know if you got excited too. I have no idea if they're picking the show up. Anyway. We got a bedtime story. Let me tell you this too.

My son this week just on a tangent, just constantly, and then he knows he has to go to sleep when the story is done. So he's like a bad improv troop, Yes, anding me to death. But it's just and then and then you think it's over right, Carl, he needs be groomed. What's going on in your world?

Carl?

You're gonna tell people about that dead rat? Y?

Oh?

I was like where I was like, oh, I gotta go pick up this dead rat that's gone. Yeah, yeah, see you next week.

Once upon a time, in a so so way the woods with these raidal mouth checkers, and then and then and then every day the baby would go out, a big, big, big bear would taste up to him, and yeah, I told you it was similar, and and and and every day you would say do you want to race?

And then and then and then they race it, and then the bear and then.

The baby, Oh it's a baby. And then the baby won, and then everybody killed them. They went back home, they had the dan dinner and then in the mooning and then and then and then the bear said, it been

Pigture, with their big I like guys. Yeah, they all fry and laugh and laughed.

And then the rose and everyone and then they still laughed when he was him, can tell me? And then the gender bread mantain and it came, and then and then and then the candy man came, and then the gender and then and then and then and then the baby came and they and they ate the candy man and then and then locker come, and then the body and in the parkway what.

I just want to go to.

Bed, but different.

So you need to be love.

This story is so long. It's the longest story I've ever heard.

It be shot sometimes, but I want.

It to be love.

Yeah, that story is so long.

And then it says seasand a nine D and okay,