294. Click On This Ad To Save This Child

Lords: * Alex * Shannon Topics: * The rapid proliferation of identical mobile games * https://store.steampowered.com/app/2348100/YEAHYOUWANTTHOSEGAMESRIGHTSOHEREYOUGONOWLETSSEEYOUCLEARTHEM/ * Randomly generated time traveler loadout * Turning your body into 3D printer filament after you die * https://www.suspenders.com/products/1-1-2-undergarment-hold-up-reg-suspender-hip-clip-style-patented-no-slip-reg-clips * Girls Only Want One Thing, Isabel Correra * https://www.instagram.com/isabellecorreawrites/p/Cz3t1xQOnx/ Microtopics: * Alien Clay. * Gravity Falls. * Tryharding at Duolingo. * Removing the popsicle sticks in the right order or the king dies in lava. * Writing a solitaire game generator and uploading 30,000 solitaires to the app store. * Ads that are not even pretending to not be falsely advertising to you. * Mobile game advertisers all pretending that their games are the same non-existent game genre. * Yeah! You Want "Those Games," Right? So Here You Go! Now, Let's See You Clear Them! * People saying "that ad for a game where you pull out popsicle sticks until a king doesn't die looks pretty good but when I click on it it's a completely different game." * Lying to consumers in the 80s vs. lying to consumers today. * Ads that are just two horrifying images to get your adrenalin spiking. * Screaming Tamagotchi. * The Paw Patrol diagetically being funded by real life Paw Patrol merch sales. * Maximizing emotional whiplash when it doesn't matter which two emotions they are. * Having a week to prepare for a one way trip to Northern Italy in 1326. * Going on a trip and bringing along your undeveloped Broca's area. * Bootlegging reproducing GMO crop seeds in Renaissance Italy. * Wizard/Prophecy Person. * 21st Century Traveling Merchants. * Bringing your jar of penicillin mold to the 14th century. * Being stranded in Renaissance Italy and becoming travelling minstrels. * Larger bearded guy that wears suspenders (under a graphic tee) * When were you born? The 14th century. Fuck you. * Bringing a snack to the spooky extraterrestrial from the planet Vulcan who lives in the woods. * Big ol' dogs. * Non-electronic megaphones. * A little top you can spin that's made of grandpa. * A magic genie that can grant any wish as it's for a small striated plastic trinket. * Getting turned into Redstone after you die. * A poorly-made fidget spinner that used to be your husband. * Shipping ashes and asking that ashes be put into things. * The sloughed off skin cells coating everything you send in the mail. * A shitty fidget spinner that just happens to have some human remains in it. * Where human composting is allowed. * Places it's no longer legal to bury a body. * The problem with imbuing symbols with value. * An alternative wedding ring that you switch to as necessary. * A plant that is a metaphor for death. * Grandpa living forever by being repeatedly melted down and 3D printed into a new toy when you get sick of the old once. * Bringing 3D printing back to 14th century Italy to revolutionize reliquaries. * Giving the world both Frog Fractions and Topics. * How many people you pass on the street each day are wearing suspenders under their shirt. * Hip Clips Style Under Ups. * A poem that's in the bucket twice. * Love is a seed and lust is a bird ravenous for seeds. * Burying the word sorry and seeing what grows. * Poetry that's just a paragraph of text. * What you're going to be if you eat the fruit of the sorry fruit. * Trying to imit inimitable things. * There's a lot of different women and they all want different things. (Except they all want to travel back in time.) * My Mother's Savage Daughter. * Girls only want one thing: to not be found on the Internet.