273. Why Isn't Dracula Good At Anything?

Lords: * Esper * https://ourbroadcastday.com/ * RT-55J * https://rt-55j.itch.io/ Topics: * Memes where the specific instance of joke customization is frontloaded, while the punchline remains the same every time. * Making ZZT games in 2024 * https://stale-meme.itch.io/the-king-in-yellow-borders * It's 2024 and still nobody has ported Mario 64 to the Commodore 64 * https://abbydenton.itch.io/the-blade-of-cutiepants-a-very-cutie-christmas * What I Would Tell Eve by Maegen McAuliffe O’Leary * https://www.reddit.com/r/Poetry/comments/1ez31sh/poemwhatiwouldtellevebymaegenmcauliffe/ * "A vampire with a cheque-book, a solicitor, and a balance at the bank is not a plausible kind of creature." - Andrew Lang (contemporary reviewer of Dracula) * Do you think there were any Fortnite die-hards who got really upset when Fortnite started introducing Marvel and Star Wars guys to the game? Microtopics: * A Muppet Christmas Carol. * Gradations of Michael Caine oldness. * The Museum of ZZT. * Wizened ZZT Wizards. * Taking a common idea and altering it in an interesting way. * Why do plays still exist? * Making up an audience to applaud you. * Rehearsing a conversation in a low-oxygen environment. * A guy walking around touching things in the world and flavor text appears. * The ZZT aspect ratio problem. * Sneaking into the office at night and playing ZZT in silent mode so you don't bother the janitor. * 8-way movement in ZZT. * Reasons to stick with a certain set of constraints. * WeaveZZT. * Making a deck builder RPG in ZZT. * The safety and romance of a good set of constraints. * The King in Yellow Borders. * Oktrollberfest. * A found object horror game built in a fake ZZT engine. * Wario doing a ground pound and breaking the Youtube interface around the video. * Reading like 200 pages of Problem Sleuth and never getting around to Homestuck. * A program you can install to make your computer look like it's still running Windows Vista, and another you can install to make it feel like Obama is still president. * Porting ZZT to the Commodore 64. * An economy of people enjoying themselves. * Porting Mario 64 to ZZT and ending up on the front page of Planet Quake. * Tux Racer. * Scoping your game just big enough for people to see screen shots and get excited, but small enough that it's still finishable. * Mario 64's British Platformer Energy. * Whether Argonaut or Rare was a bigger influence on the design of Mario 64. * 3D Construction Kit for the Commodore 64. * Trying to build a scene in PovRay. * What iPad kids were like in the mid-90s. * Whether or not Eve ate the best possible apple. * Plausible and implausible vampires. * Ahistorical vampire analysis. * Why there's chicken on the Streets of Rage * What the Antediluveans got up to. * The 14 million year war for Cybertron. * What did you eat for 14 million years? * Subsisting on pure unfiltered Sparklemotion. * Two robots punching each other in the face for millennia. * Nike sponsorships in Magic the Gathering. * A roadmap of Magic the Gathering Crossovers. * The Guitar Hero game where you could make Kurt Cobain perform Run DMC. * Rated E for Explicit. * A PubG with fort building mechanics. * Winning your first game of Fortnite and retiring forever. * The Super Smash Instinct. * Monetizing a child's insatiable gambling instincts. * Playing a video game and worrying about the developer's immortal soul.