Conflict at Work

me. And it's easier to like pick and choose my battles. But that sometimes led to just not choosing any battles and just

crying all the time at home. And I think I somehow learned how to kind of let those environments like fuel me into standing up for myself, and having so many good environments where it was so opposite taught me like, Oh, my God, like somebody giving me feedback doesn't always mean that they're criticizing me as a person, or like having some of these, like, conflicts doesn't necessarily mean that I have to just go with whatever they want. And so that's kind of enabled me

to kind of push through it. So I think, especially in the virtual flexible world that we have right now, I actually had a situation recently where I was working to kind of protect some of the candidates at the business from an HR perspective, when it came to just internal pay equity, and how we were

going to handle that. And there was a candidate that somebody wanted to offer so much more money to, and I was like, wait a minute, like, what's the actual reasoning here, because that's not what the budget described, like, let's break that down. And we were going back and forth over email. And I just was getting frustrated, because it wasn't coming out. And it was as simple as like, let's actually just hop on a call and look at each other face to face and like, have me walk you through

it, and vice versa. And that was as simple as it was, it was like, neither one of us had bad intentions. We just weren't able to communicate in writing, why we actually were feeling the way that we were and how to actually properly navigate it. And as soon as we got on that call, the individual that I was speaking to was like, I trust your judgment 100%. This is just where my logic was. And I was like, cool, that logic was not in the email.

call. And I think something that's worked for me in the past is like, stepping away from the conversation. Maybe when I'm making dinner that night, or you know, as I'm going to bed like actually sitting with it a little bit and thinking about like, how did I feel walking away from that conversation? Let me play devil's advocate with myself like, could that person have been trying to say something else? And it's okay to walk away from something and

circle back to it. You do not have to resolve that issue in the moment. Sometimes it's actually better not to, and so to follow up with the person the next day and say, Hey, like I sat with this would love a second chance to just kind of actually talk through it now that I've digested what you had to say and gotten kind of my initial thoughts off my chest like, here's how I want to break

that down. The amount of times I've done that and it has worked wonders because sometimes you're in the moment and you agree to something that you actually didn't agree with and you're like, Oh my God, I didn't mean that. And here's why. And then you can work through it and be like, oh, you know what, like, I'm really glad, like, we just had a second chance. It can really, really help people. And so I think not being afraid to speak your mind is one thing,

and it's really hard. My advice for that is just finding your voice in a small way. And then getting it bigger and bigger. If you know what you stand for, if you know, categorically, like, I can't bend on this one thing, don't. And it's okay to stick up for yourself. And it's okay to say that and explain why that will allow you to then have a voice for so many other things.

And then when you have those moments, don't be afraid to just go through it, to navigate it, to take a step and revisit like that is allowed. There's no rulebook that says you can't.

differently, right? And it's, I'm a big proponent, like, give it to me, lay it on the table, let's fix whatever's broken right now. But I'm also very big on not reacting and taking a step back. Now, I wouldn't wait a week before saying something and just like, give a cold shoulder to the person that hurt your feelings or did something wrong to you. I even say, I just need some space for a couple of days. Because you know, the way you said something or the way you approached that really made

me feel indifferent. And I just need to figure out for my own, like how to come back to you on that like just to make it more aware. And more again, communication is huge. So I feel like that's, it's so important to give yourself a little bit of a break before actually going back in and tackling it. And I think another Ellie, what are your thoughts on that too? I was going to dive into a little bit deeper. But what are your thoughts on that?

thoughts. I guess my first one being, I love what you said about, you know, the not being reactive and being able to circle back, I think one of the important things, and again, kind of going on a humbling situation is the maybe having somebody else as like a third party that you trust and that, you know, it's not going to be a gossipy situation to be able to go and say here's what happened, I'm upset and then maybe just asking for perspective to be like, did I act in a wrong way?

Or like how could I have changed my tone or what I did to get that response, or whatever it may be to kind of get that third party perspective, I can't tell you how many times something has happened - I've called Tara and been like, you know, steam coming out of my ears to tell her about like what happened.

And then you know, we both sit in this reactive 30 minute conversation where we're both like, and this happened, and then that person and then you know, three hours later, we're able to call each other back and be like, Well, I definitely could have acted this way in that conversation and kind of having somebody like Tara, for me to be able to say, you're right, let's be mad for a second. And then also being able to come back and say, Well, maybe here's how we could have

been better. And here's how they could have been better and let's come to a resolution. I also I had a similar kind of first professional experience to you Victoria in that I came from middle of nowhere, Green Cove Springs, Florida. And my first big girl job was in New York

City. So I'm the girl saying hi to everybody in the elevator saying y'all and people just kind of walked over me because I was this sweet southern Florida girl and so I had to learn to grow my own backbone, because people were just going to take advantage of that. But I think there were times too where I still needed to learn and take feedback. And there were times where, like I said, I was in the wrong, or I just needed to kind of have people tell me what to do, because I didn't know yet.

But I do think now I have become like a subject matter expert to some degree. And so now I'm able to stick up for myself and have that backbone, because I am confident in my ability, in my opinions. And, you know, I do think there are times where you do need to step back and be like, Yeah, you're right, I did

need that feedback. And then there are times where, now that I have these strengths in my own career, I'm able to say, No, I am confident, I know my ability, and here's why I get to stick up

for myself. So I do you think there are different ways, as long as you feel safe to take and provide feedback, I think that's the most important thing is knowing that you have the leadership that you can communicate to, or, you know, the team that you can communicate those issues or feedback to, I think, is super important. And Tara said this as well. Because of this, I feel this way.

well. Somebody that is a safe space to you that you trust, who can evaluate and say, like, actually, I think the way I get why it landed with you that way. But me as an outsider reading this, like, I don't think they mentioned that way at all, right?

defensiveness or whatever. But also, to your point, like, Don't you're not just going above their head and saying, I don't discredit yourself, you were hired, because you have a skill set and you're knowledgeable about something. I don't walk like this person. And they're mean actually seeking out advice around telling someone how to code because I don't know how to

do that. Right? So if somebody's trying to infringe on me and talk to me about how to do my job, I still want to defend myself and say, Actually, this is the reason we go about it this way. But like, let's figure out a way that works for both of us that feels genuine. I think on top of that, too looking at someone who has solved conflict with the person you've had conflict with, or having conflict with for extra ideas. I had a situation where I had a stakeholder who was really,

really making it difficult. And I just felt like no matter what I did, like, I could walk on water, and it was still would not quite be right. And I actually went to one of the executive leaders at the business who managed that person. And I did it in a way where like, I don't want to go and saying you deal with this person on a regular basis, you over their head, I started the conversation just by saying, you interact with them all the time, you understand how they think

more than I do. This is what I've tried doing. Is there something I can be doing differently? have more insight than I do. Am I missing something? And is that why the conflict keeps happening? So I think finding those resources where you can navigate that situation while still being able to say, I might not be the whole problem, but maybe I'm a part of the problem.

And I think you have to separate intentionality from how you're feeling like somebody else is not responsible for how like it lands with you all the time because that might not have been their intention. They could not be intending to hurt you and it still hurts you. That's okay. And that's valid but you have to also record recognize that they didn't intend to do that.

level of conflict. So how to how do you handle it, then?

Yes! We have a job to protect the employees to protect the business, you can do those things and still be a human being right? So I think, you know, from the HR side, it's making sure that you create a space where equal parties feel heard. Don't be afraid to play devil's advocate and actually challenge like, hey, we hear you have you tried X, Y, or Z, or do you understand that this could also inhibit X, Y, or Z from happening, because of the way

you went about it, right? I've had situations where it was just communication styles were different. And then that created this web of, well, this person lands this way. And I don't operate that way. And so they think I'm this, but they're not actually performing now, or what

have you. And it's actually the root of the problem is the way that the two of you communicate, makes it so that they're never going to meet your expectations, what you want from them are never, they're never going to meet you, you're never going to meet them, it's all a mess,

right? And so being able to have that opportunity to challenge those people and have them say that, and I think as a person on the other end, being open to that, and saying, like, Oh, I didn't even realize that maybe because I didn't actually clearly set an expectation, or I said something that maybe just landed wrong. Now that person feels some type of way about it. And maybe the other person is doing the same thing. Like, oh, like, I thought I was doing X to

make somebody's life easier. And it actually created extra work for them. I didn't mean to do that, whatever the scenario is I think being open to it. But I also think it's important from an HR perspective, when people are honest with somebody like myself, like, don't hold back.

shouldn't be documented. But I think like really just being able to kind of show, this is what happened. And this is what led to this. But here's also the efforts that I'm making and work with HR. I've been in situations where I've actually seen emails, and somebody has been like, I don't even know how to respond to that, because we're having a conflict. And it's like, well, HR can actually help you navigate it. And if you just want a blind copy me and I can

kind of see how they respond. We can work through, you know, again, it's going to land with you one way a third party might think that's not how I would read into this. And this is what I'm saying. And then also come in and say listen, you also need to watch how you're responding to people and mediate. Obviously there's performance improvement plans, and all these different messy things that HR navigates as well. But I think making sure that nobody's acting out of a

retaliatory manner. Nobody's trying to one up the other person or be right like it's not about being right. It's about making sure that you resolve the conflict that's going to work for everybody. And so I think putting egos aside is really important to that. So it's a three way street. In that scenario. HR has to be able to really create that space but also the lens to challenge both

sides. Not to pick a side unless somebody is breaking a rule, like, for sure, but and then both people have to be really honest and open and have to want the change.