You Never Know

from the outside because you really never know. And if somebody's going through something really difficult, the chances of them opening up to every single person that they see about it is very rare and honestly just impossible. Like I'm a very open person. That's why my album is called Open Book, and I write about all of these things that are very um, you know, very personal to me and a lot of the difficult things I've gone through.

But it's still there's so much like that really only scratches the surface of the things that I deal with. And I have had a really crazy past few weeks dealing with some family stuff, and it's just it's hard because like, okay, so, like you have somebody who isn't responsive or they have to call out of work, or um, they just they do something to quote unquote let you down, and they're like, oh, you know, I just had some

family drama. And it's so easy to assume like, okay, like we all have family drama, but when somebody says something like that, like it could be huge, you know. I mean I know people who have said something like that when they found out that their mom had cancer because they just don't want to get into it. And also, you don't really owe anybody an explanat planation when it

comes to something like that. And it just got me thinking about all the times in my life that I've been presenting as I was living a life that was not anywhere close to what was actually going on. And there's this person I follow on Instagram named mix zas On and she's so great. She's very like um body positivity focus. She's in recovery from a needing disorder and

just post these very like real raw things. And it's so important to see people without filters, because I find myself these days like seeing filters and being like, for like the first time in my life, being like, should I like do something in my face? Like sho, should I get something fixed? And it's like because I'm seeing people with not real faces and then you see them in person, You're like, wow, that is not what you look like. And that's like a microcosm for this greater issue.

But um Mick posted a thing like a real that was like what was happening when these photos were taken? And it was like the story behind these photos. And one of them was like a picture of her looking super happy on a boat and like in a bathing suit, and it was like I hadn't eaten for three days, and I um photo shopped the ship out of this like face doing the ship out of it, and you just don't realize that that's happening because it's like, I mean,

I know that we all know this about Instagram. I know that we know that it's people's highlight reel, but you just you just the more you think about it, the more layers, the more like just insane. It gets to like the extent that of which we do that. And so I was looking back at some of my old Instagram posts and I was like thinking about the story behind them and the things that we're going on, and it just doesn't line up to what I'm posting

on Instagram. And also, like I don't know what the solution is in that sense, because it's like do you post something on Instagram and be like, I'm having the worst time ever. Here's all this stuff that's going on

with me, Like it's not really anybody's business. So I think that the solution isn't so much like it's not so much too like be completely transparent, but it's to understand that everybody else isn't going to be completely transparent and that's okay, and to just treat people with you know, compassion. So I'm going to share some specific examples when we come back about times that this has happened to me

and tell the story behind some of my Instagram posts. Okay, we are back, and I've told this story before on the podcast because it just feels like such a like great example of this. Then you know, you never know what people have going on phenomena. But um, there was a time like right after my sister passed away and I was going to alter because I had to return something and I was just like I was a zombie,

like I was not functioning. It was like the first time I think i'd like honestly like got like put on pants in days like I've just been like in a robe, crying and like not eating and not in like an eating disorder way, but like in a um just like forgetting that I had bodily needs, you know, like not showering, like just worst worst, like just completely let myself go. And I had to go to Alta and so I remember like just being in a daze and just not like just being so foggy and out

of it. And I walked the door and somebody held the door for me and I didn't notice, and they were like, um, you're supposed to say thank you, and I just looked at them and I was like, oh

my god. I could just like because what you know, like I could unload on them right then and I could be like, Okay, well, you know, three days ago, my sister just died and left two children orphan, and now I'm stressed because I think I'm gonna have to take them in one day and I'm absolutely unraveling and the funerals in two days and I'm flying out tomorrow. So like, but I'm not going to say all that. It's not the fucking persons business. But they chose to

like react. You just don't know. Someone cuts you off in traffic. Maybe they're like on their way to the hospital and like or they're like running late to something really really important, and you just like it's just not worth it to assume that everything is a personal front because so much, so often it has so much less to do with you and more to do with what's going on in that person's life, And especially if it's somebody you don't know very well. It's like if someone

isn't responding to your text messages. This is my biggest pet peeve is when like people are like very quick to get upset with someone for not responding, because like if I don't respond to text messages, which I know I'm bad at it, but like I'm constantly overwhelmed, and that is the first thing to fall to the wayside is responding because I just like get really anxious looking at my phone, and in order to function in like real life, which at the end of the day is

what matters, I need to like put my phone down, or like, if I have it, put it on, do not just sturt u and play a crossword puzzle like that's I'm not I'm actually not on my phone twenty four seven. So people are like you can respond you're on your phone. I'm like, I'm not. I'm literally not. I hate I hate being on my phone unless I'm doing a like word or a cross word, like I love reading books, like physical books, Like I don't like the books that much because I have to look at

a screen to do it. So like, if I want to unlind, I'm reading a physical book, Like, I don't want to look at a screen if I don't have to. And so like that was just I mean, it gave me a wake up call because I was irritated at that person obviously, but the real, the real lesson there to me was like, oh my god, if somebody's ever rude to me and like doesn't wave back or you know, doesn't hold the door or whatever, like they could be having the worst day of their life. You just literally

never know. And so I, in um the spirit of what mix Sason did, I wanted to go through some of my old instagrams and like talk about what was going on. So there's this one that I posted on May and I had just gotten to play the rheyman um it was it was the first time I ever played the Rhememan. It was for opera country classics. So I covered like two old school country songs. I did um it Wasn't God who made Hockey took Angels? And

I did uh oh to Billy Jump. It was so fun and it was like absolutely magical, and I loved my outfit. I was wearing these hollographic go go boots and I looked like really sixties, and I, you know, post a caption about how I was like so happy and like felt so loved and it was like the best sound I'd ever felt like or heard on stage,

and all that was true. But also I had just broken up with my boyfriend of six years and had like three days before, you know, had him get physical and like shake me up against the bathtub and after cheating on me, and I'm like absolutely unraveling, and I

found this bright bought in the middle of everything. But they also like when you're looking at that picture, you can't see that my best friend at the time got angry at me for saying yes to playing the rieman because I was missing out on her birthday dinner and like was pissed at me. And so I'm like trying to balance all of that, and I'm like watching this friendship kind of deteriorate, and I'm watching this like relationship

deteriorate and feeling all this pressure. But I just post something my cute outfit talking about how much I love playing the Raemen and you just don't fucking no right. And there's like so many more examples of this. I mean, I definitely feel like the breakup was a big part of that. UM. I mean, there's like there's been times that I've posted something on Instagram, like I played this. Um. The first time I ever posted my song Lullaby was September and I was feeling so low, Like that was

probably the worst point of that breakup for me. I think it had like sunk in at that point, and I was just at home crying in front of my piano, which was one of my former favorite activities. It still happens every once in a while. UM, but yeah, that was like a really really really bad time. Oh and then also like a lot of drama happens around the Rheman.

But there was the next time I played the Rheman was in December, and this one, I suppose I was a little honest, but it was like December, and I said, life is a lot of things, messy, magic, overwhelming, but

mostly it's beautiful. And the messy part I was referring to was the fact that the night that I played The Rheman and was celebrating and during my very special red Billbona Satin Pants, I went out to a bar with my friend, ran into my ex boyfriend for like one of the first time since we broke up, and went home with him and had like a horrible evening where we just like it was, I mean, we hooked up, but it was just like clearly me hurting myself on

purpose by doing that. There was nothing like truly intimate about it. It It was like me going over there so I could like have someone treat me as shitty as I felt like I deserved to be treated at that point. But you know, supposed to keep picture in front of the Rhyman God. The Ryman was like a dramatic time um. And then I mean, I was pretty publicly open when my sister passed away, But the week that someone dies

isn't when you feel the worst about it. You're honestly still processing, so you just like, I mean, the biggest example of that, though, was when I shot the Awake Pop mix music video that was two days after my sister had died, and I had to like be in a music video, so I really really had to turn on the like I'm fake happy for this music video thing,

and you just don't you don't see that. You don't see the fact that I was like crying in my car for two hours before we shot and I had to retouch my makeup and was reading tabloid articles about her dying while I'm on the music video shoot. It was like the most surreal thing ever and you just you just don't freaking no. And then, um, well another another big one was on my birthday in or twenty nineteen.

Sorry my birthday and twenty nineteen, I turned and um the night you know, I'm posting about my Sex and the City theme birthday party and how fun it was and had such a blast, And the truth of it was, I had Yeah, I was thanks for all the birthday wishes, guys. It's probably the best birthday party I've ever had. Um. We put on our carry Bradshaw best, drank too many cosmos, and I got iced in one of my presents, like ice.

So so thankful to my friends for always being willing to dress up for a theme party, take too many tekil shots, and also volunteered to hold up their flashlights so we can get the perfect rooftop photo. Thankful, happy, and maybe still a bit hungover. And that was the fifteen. In July twelfth, nineteen, I posted a video of me and Candy backstage at the Opry when I had gone to their opera debut and just how proud I was of them. And literally the day before that, on my

actual birthday, like I had been sexually assaulted. Like you don't see that on Instagram, And that was like one of the worst mental places I've ever been in because so much of it was outside of my mind and it was just like my body reacting. Like when I drove to the opera that night to go see Candy, I blacked out on the highway and like just woke up like ten minutes later. I was like at the opera and it was the scariest thing ever because I had no memory of how I got there. I hadn't

drink anything. It was just like a full Like I just think that That's what people you haven't been assaulted don't understand, is so much of your reaction is out of your control because it's not mental, it's physical, and it's like you feel this residual, like I have no control of my body. People can do anything they want to it at any time, Like there's no privacy. I'm not even at home in my own body. It's been you know, I felt violated. There's been an intruder, all

of that, and you don't see it on Instagram. Get Just so the past few weeks, I've been dealing with some UM, dealing with some on my drama and I'm only gonna get into a little bit because I just don't feel like we're vomiting all of not even that

it's my business, it's other people's business too. But I've been UM trying to take care of my niece and nephew from Afar, the ones who are my sisters kids UM who passed away, and there was some very major life decisions for them that I think that their caregiver

is making the wrong ones. And just there was like one morning that there were like several warnings where I was on the phone with like different um like school system stuff and whatever, like just a lot of administrative things, and I was on the phone with those people for like three to four hours every morning for like a week straight. And it's an Eastern time, so I had to get up like really early because like eight am my time is still like I mean, it's already like

school lunchtime there. So I'm dealing with all that and having a crisis and you know, um realizing that the day is just getting closer and closer, where like I'm going to have to take them in and ultimately, like my my dad is seventy three and these kids are eight and thirteen, and I'm the only person in my family who can take care of them, and the fact that I'm that person and I'm the youngest is so stressful.

And so I'm dealing with all this and like you know, I have like people bothering me about like just things that don't matter and and little little things and then getting annoyed that I'm not excited enough about something that they told me about, and I'm like, I just like I love you so much, Like I'm not being mean, and I feel like that's the best I can do right now. Like I'm not I'm not being rude, I'm

not saying anything negative. I'm just like maybe not reacting like a truly ecstatic happy person, because I'm not a truly ecstatic happy person, And just the pressure that people can put on you and and also not ask you how you are, that's very hard when you have friends like that. Um, I find that I'm that kind of friend, but I also try to not. I I don't put my stuff on people without asking them how they are and also asking them if they're in a place to

handle it. So it's like when you have a friend who always needs you, but they're not there when you need them. Like that's the problem. I don't mind when people don't ask me how I'm doing, it's when they expect me to always ask them how they're doing. It's just double standards. Like I have plenty of friends and I don't talk to all the time, but then when we're together, it's really really special. And like I love those friendships there. They're like high loyalty but low maintenance.

And I think as you get older, that's a really important kind of friend because like you just you just hang out with your friends less the older you get.

I mean, I still like very social and I have roommates and stuff, so I see my friends a lot, but definitely less than I did when I was twenty two and I was like seeing my friends every single day and it's um, that's really hard too, and I just am like, somebody's a really close friend and they don't understand that they might not know everything that's going on in your life, especially because they're not asking like that.

That is not a fun feeling. So all of that being said, be gentle with people you really, really really don't know. The happiest person on the planet could have been having you know, suicidal thoughts to night before. You literally never ever ever know, So be nice to people, give them hugs, Tell the people you love that you love them. And we will be back next week. I'm really sure. And this is too much to say, but

don't go ask me questions you done answer to. I've got to say now I'll turn it out of you. You