Is Monogamy Still Dead? “Finding love in the 21st century “ Part 2

single week. Why this is why we have the Black Effect Network where somebody like our brother Charlemagne created a platform for us to talk about things and say we want, when we want, how we want to be as black as we want. And so usually we kick it about a bunch of different issues. But we've got three guests on today on a panel because we're following up last week show where we talked about whether the idea of

monogamy has become a thing of the past. We talked about different types of dating and or marriage style UM, polyamorous, I think relationships UM and online dating and so it was all women and it's only fair our producers and directors and all the folks that help us with our show said we need to talk about talk with men on this show. And then to continue on in a sort of a series dealing with relationships, and we try

to make it fun and light. But I think that it's important for folks to understand one that street politicians we've always said we're gonna talk about different things. We're not gonna talk about only strictly political issues. We're not gonna only talk about who died, who killed who in the trauma, Black trauma. That is so much of it. We could do every show, every single show, could be

about people being harmed, people whatever, every show. But um, that's not that's not our lives and we cannot be boxed into that. We do need to be able to sort of broaden our horizons, and that's why we say streets and politics. Um. But then the other thing is that we are as black folks. Sometimes I'll strictly black people. I'm not talking about other folks from different races and

other communities. To my black people. We are definitely suffering, and specifically black women women with um this, I'm not even talking about the rate of how many of us are single. It's in our minds. It's almost like we're approaching relationships either ready to break up or destroy them self.

Sabotage because we don't believe that it can work either because the people were around that's married are having or are not married anymore, or our families, our parents, or whatever trauma we've experienced, and we're dealing with that in our daily lives. And maybe that's one of the reasons why so many black women are not married. Maybe marriage and needs to be to go. I don't even know who more, but I know we're trying to talk about relationships should be to go, and that's what we're gonna

talk about. I think women want marriage and that successful relationship not a good partner. I think in a lot of a lot of women push your partner away because they immediately talk about marriage. You might have a soul. Many to dislike you want to cheer with you, like I'm trying to be married, so I ain't even I'm not dating if we're not, if you're not even in a spectrum to be married, and it's like, okay, well I don't even know. I didn't find somebody that wanted

to marry. You already told on marriage, and I gotta date you with intention to be married. Maybe I don't even want to. I don't even want to go through that process because I don't even know what that looks like. So yeah, I'm probably going to be single for the rest of my life. I have to say that every

week because it's my trip. So you know, in this particular discussion, because it's our brothers and brothers that we are really truly very close to, it'd be great if you go ahead and introduce them, but not before we bring LaToya von On to talk about our small businesses that's doing good things in the community. Okay, it is almost Christmas. Some people are still buying Christmas gifts. I don't really buy Christmas gifts, but I will say that if I choose to buy one, it should be from

a black business. And we should all make sure that we're spending our money during this holiday season. If you're gonna spend it anyway, spend it with businesses that support people who look like us. LaToya is going to come and talk about a small business that we should be paying attention to. And then after that, you're going to introduce this panel of individuals who are single yet they have many options, and one brother who decided that his

options he no longer wanted to explore. He just wants to explore his one me before. So once again we have another show coming to you for street politicians. This is all of the guys against Mika because of your last week it was the girls against my son, and I still help my own. You know, that was a little bumped and bruised up, but I survived. But we're continuing the episode of is monogamy that that was the

name of the episode. And I have the pleasure of having two of my brothers and another brother I think will be brothers at the end of this this good old conversation. But I have two of my brothers that are known and loved, and they're gonna help me with perspectives. You know that men come from and and and and then we have another brother who has a different perspective. I got my brother, Aaron gas and entrepreneur, the owner of the Guy's Clothing, author of the book title you

already won. What's up? Hey, hey man, thank you for having me, and you know it's always a pleasure you hauling mice and my book father, and thank you. Interesting don't thank me yet, Yes, yes, we gotta. It was gonna be a long conversation, and we got our brother, Billy Counsel, founder of Counsel Him Foundation and college basketball coach, was going on, Billy, what's going on with my brother?

Mike's man? Good to be here, man, Hey, my sister to Mika Man, I'm looking forward to a great conversation by hilarious. And then we have doctor one day Quobo Shiani, President and CEO of Analytic jina Us. How are you king? Good? Good, boss, good, Good to meet you, my son, gonna meet you, Toma, great to meet everybody. Nice. So so last week we had a dating online consultant and she's had her perspective on the topic. Then we had a woman who practiced polyamity.

Polyamory Is that the right way? Okay? Polyamory right, that's what I believe, that's what the terms. She gave us her perspective on the thing. And then we also had another woman who just was doing online dating. She was single, but she was talking about the online dating field and how how she felt about it. And they had all had different perspectives, you know, me and the polyamory woman had a lot of YouTube perspectives and and and different ones.

We all had the similar perspective a certain degree, but Tamika was you know, She's like, I forget everything, I'm just gonna be single. I ain't getting this and that, So we want to have a different type. I'm gonna let Tamika lead the conversation off and just get into this very robust conversation. Well, you know, I think, for first of all, the the the consultant who helps people

date online. She is also married and also in a UM in a monogamous relationship, a monogamous relationship marriage UM,

and so her perspective came from various directions. One she believes that people can find love online, which you know, we talked about whether or whether we feel comfortable in that space, and a lot of it was focused on the fact that as a single woman, UM, you know, I think about like, what are some of the ways that I should go about finding whoever king whatever his name is gonna be, and you know, thinking about online

dating as one of those aspects. But it has not been something that's even been on the It's not been something that I'm even interested in. So, you know, we learned a lot from her. She met her husband online and they seem to have a wonderful relationship. The other young lady who's our friend toy Shambo. She dates online and was talking about all of the craziness that she

has experienced online. But one of the things that came out of the conversation was that it's not just online, it's craziness and relationships if you meet them online and or outside. And then of course there was the perspective of the individual who is who who participates in the Polly relationship, and it is her makeup was two women to one man, and she is not uh sexually or intimately involved with the woman. Um, they are getting to

know one another. And in fact, the comments and the conversation has continued into my comments on Instagram because she is in there going back and forth with people explaining to them how the relationship operates. And the one thing that she said that I thought was, um, you know important for this conversation is that she started talking about how she does not want all the responsibilities of her relationship.

She doesn't want to be the one to cook, clean, have to have all the sex, give attention all the time to her husband. She may have other things that she wants to do and focus on, and she may just want to be off to herself, and I guess this woman provides those things for the husband, but then also for her. She feels that this woman is a good friend, somebody for her to hang out with and do things and things that her husband doesn't want to do.

So those were interesting perspectives. And in the end, what I found was that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life and I've accepted that. And that's pretty much how I left the conversation. But perhaps you all can share something different. Um, Mr Mowen Day, but I think we can call you que for today. You are married in my correct you've been married for two years. See, it does work, it happens, it happens. So what do you think about the perspectives that we

just talked about. Did you meet your wife online? Yeah? I did? I did. I met her on a bumble actually okay, Yeah, So when I moved to New York, um for a month down before this one, Um, you know, it was it was that time for me because that's when I became pretty much president of another German company for for North and South America. So I was like, you know what, I'm good with me. So then that's

when I decided to kind of. Uh that's when I decided to make that move because at the end of the day, you know, I wasn't ready to make any kind of moves, would be serious about any kind of

woman until I was happy with myself, if that makes sense. Right. So, you know, there was some career aspirations that I needed to do, some things that I need to do from the standpoint of education, but also a standpoint of just professional you know, LinkedIn called the resume and uh so when I got to New York, that's when I was like, Okay, well it's about that time to be a little bit I'm now emotionally available if that makes sense, to go

ahead and make that move. So, um, that's where that's that's when I went got a little bit more serious about my interactions within the uh with with online dating and stuff. But prior to that, you know, um, I had hit a couple whether online dating sites. Um, before you even really getting serious. So you know, just uh, that's my experience pretty much how I met the deal through the online dating. So you how loo y'all, how you've been married for two years? Right, right? How long

were you dating? So we dated two years? So, UM, I met here the summer sixteen, Like as soon as that happened New York, I got to New York, Like I don't know, I think it was like March April. I got to New York and uh and I was an Inglewood the jobs actually an ingle M and that programs.

But uh mahwah, New Jersey, so a little bit up up north and uh so when I lived in Englewood, right across from the g W. So um, I met her probably three months after I got to New York, and we we pretty much hit it off from that summer and just enjoyed the sum of the sixteens and through the winter we just rocked out. So it was just it didn't for me. It didn't take all day to recognize sunshine, right, so you heard that before us. So I mean from there, I was good and you know,

it just worked out. There were some family connections that Agila and I also had, which was very unique with regards to uh to us getting together, so um that that also strengthened something. There was a there was a family relationship that was going on on her side that I didn't even know, so and and and we end up being um both of our family members end up being married to each other and we didn't know. So wow, And you said it didn't take you forever to see

the sunshine. So this idea that me somebody and trying to have a relationship going on for twelve years where it's a dead end. It seems that nothing is happening for me. That's problematic. But I have been told by others that I'm rushing if I think that things are supposed to move faster than that. I mean, it's it's all the perspective, right, It's to remember where you are mentally, where you both are mentally right, and and what you guys are looking for. You know, um, honestly, you know,

I didn't want to get married, right, I didn't. I didn't want to get married until I was happy. There's no way in hell that I was gonna be able to make any other woman happy with me traveling the world. I've been through, you know, four passports, developed businesses, and pretty much every continent of the world, and just did not have time to even entertain, you know, any woman, seriously, until I wanted to get to where I needed to

go career wise. So but once I was there, you know, I had dated so many women before that, so I knew what I liked and what I didn't and what I knew what I expected from the woman and what I didn't expecting woman. And so if it didn't check off, I didn't get all the boxes checked off, then I'm I'm I'm I'm out, like I'm well, not really am out, but all the boxes don't check off, then that's when you want up getting those those those dragon on relationships

that really don't really move anywhere for you. Right. So, um, but when I met a dealer, all the boxes checked um, and so I was good. I was. I was really good from that standpoint. From that standpoint, it was about cutting off the black book, if that makes sense. Right. So you had all these open relationships, and I had a bunch of open relationships when I met a dealer. And when I met a dealer, I was like, oh ship,

I got those. I got to start, you know, shutting stuff down because ye know, this is what's up right here, you know what I mean. I was like, yea, this is what's up right here. So I'm like, okay, what I'm gonna do with you know, these these open relationships that I've had for for years, right, So that was my that was my challenge, and that's what I had

to do. You know. You know when I met the dealing and the dealer knew I had this open relationships or we were both singles, so the dealer knew I had, you know, other ticks that I was dating and things like that. But once I told her was like, yo, listen, um, I think I don't want to rock with you real, Um, I'm gonna have to clear out of all this other stuff, you know what I mean. And so you know, once

the clear out happened, then we went even more serious. Right, But I had to get time to go ahead and clear that stuff out. That makes sense, So excuse me, people Monday. Let me interject. You have a great wife, a beautiful wife, and he's a good Dallas for you. See you always lucky, not get that lucky, especially on the day and that, but that one is a special lady. That's what I was going to say. Did you did you date prior on the day and that before her?

Was she the first person you dated on that me? Yeah? I was. I was tender. I was I was a tender pimp like I was. You don't we don't understand. Like so you're laughing at you know, Aaron and Billy, Like, I'm just like you, dude. They look just like me. They, I mean, they were very familiar. Like I if my my online daily game was probably probably the best that you've probably ever seen ever. Like I I mean, I was like, okay, yeah, I was. I was in that.

I had the double shot of you had everything. I was like, man, like you know, I was like, okay, well, I gotta work in Amsterdam next month, fired up tender, put my eye dress out of it. And because they let you be wherever you want to be, so I would I would go and and and and say I'm in I'm in Amsterdam, put my profile up so tender people in Amsterdam saw me. So when I got out there, I had already a month of pre game, so I had, God,

this is this is the man asked me the question. Okay, so now that this is the same, you know, so this is good. But this is what Instagram is for people to, you know, just just to be clear people people.

I'm not gonna say whose names on this thing it works for, but I just wanted to be clear that there are there are there are folks among that you want to declare, say that there are people among us, Okay, because I am very close to at least to the three gentlemen on here, my son, Aran and Billy Counsel and that. Huh. But what I want what my point is that Instagram is its own tender. And people will say, oh, I don't believe I don't like dating apps, but yet

they're using the apps they do use for dating. Well, I don't think the thing is I don't think I think I hear what you're saying, but I think the dudes that are going on Instagram, they don't use it for things like dudes be on their promoting business and promoting different things, building up their profile. Tender is strictly and bumble, all of those is strictly. I'm trying to

find somebody that's not what Instagram is. You're building up your profile and the people that you attract from your profile you get to sell whether or not if you're single or whatever, and you want to deal with them, you can't. But just for me, like and I want to apologize one day because on the last episode I said, I just think people that go to dat and apswers widows and and that was just a perspective, was just not knowing nothing. But you know what, I thought the

same ship. That's why you think that you had the advantage likely widows are here. I don't mean the only dude, No, no, no, I had your perspective. But like, I'm not going on mats and e harmony. What like my hot fire game is blazing when I'm in a spot, so I don't

I'm neither dating yet. Like I'm in the bar, I'm sitting, I find like top five dialone dialone dialine like you know so but no, But then after a while, it was just it got to the point where I actually got tired of going to the bars right and going out to the lounges and things like that. And as my careers took off more, you know, I was pretty

much very exhausted just because of all my travels. So you know, it wasn't until the value of the chase decreased, and no, one day you gotta hold that because this would we need to talk about the chase decrease because I'm trying to figure out when that happens. But I would love for Billy Counsel to have something to say here, And first of all, do you use it? I'm married. I shouldn't be having to talk these too. So yeah, hopefully that's the goal. But but um, billy, are you

on the apps? What apps? Bumble and those types? No, I'm not. No, I'm not. And you are you considering being on the apps? No? Not no, not at all, not at all. Okay, So what what do you think about this whole idea of whether or not monogamy is dead? And if you think, you know, do you think that people should be able to meet and identify, you know, who their loved one or their or their wife or husband or whatever in a short period of time or do you think it's something that has to bait for

a while. Well, you know it's interesting, right, you know, because it's it's different people's perspective. You know. I have been in the in the situations several times where you know you'll meet somebody and everything is going well for the first three months, and the next thing you know, you know, car crash, right, and every thing is just broken up the pieces right, and what you thought you had you didn't really have, right, you know what I mean?

You know, you found somebody who you wasn't emotionally ready for a probably vice versa, it wasn't ready for you, you know. So I think it's all a perspective. I think that's that's how we look at it. Like I look at things from on my open point of view. Right, So if it's if it's good and I'm and I'm

enjoying it, then I'm gonna keep rinding it down. If it's not good and I'm not enjoying it, then there's no need for us to waste our time, right because again, marriages at the end of as the end of the role. But it's marriage for everyone, right, and you know that that becomes a question, right. So, um, when you talk about being single and and and being married, it's two

totally different things. But you could be single and not married to someone, but you can really have that bond and not connect you with them, but just don't really you know, understanding and recepted. So I look at it. I look at it totally different. You know. I just love to be with someone who makes me happy. Hey, what's your what's your what's your perspective on monogamy? Me in relationships? Do you do you believe? Because this is my concept. Right. I believe the mono is a learned behavior.

I don't believe that is something that men are innately just drawn to doing. I believe that we have to grow into the process. Like one day said when he was like, you know, the chase was gone. That's whatever it is at some point maybe to get you get to that. But there's always this thing about men with monogamy is a daily process. It's not something that you just you meet a woman and you love and you're like, all right, you know what, I'm not attracted to no

more women. You know, you daily have to wake up and practice being monogamous for men. You know, that's just my personal belief. No, but you know what mine, I totally agree with you. Right. It's like anything else that we do. And especially when if you look at me, you and Iran, you know, we we all from the same same role, right, right, and eventually those roles changed for us, right, and that when in the role that we are now, we have to continue continue to work

at it. Right. So it's the same thing with relationship with their monogamy. Right, It's like if you don't work on those things because he wasn't taught that, right, if you look at it growing up, you know what I mean. It's like broken boys become broken men. And I would say I was one of those broken boys who didn't have a father in the household, who didn't understand marriage, didn't understand healthy relationships right, because I didn't see it right.

So that what you do is you pick up those negative behaviors and you carry them on for the rest of your life until something change right. And that change can come when you sixty years old, when people say, oh, I'm not gonna be the sixty year old and and and by myself. But usually sometimes I can happen because we don't learn as fast as you know, probably women, right, because women just have that nurturing and that you know, that monogamous um um um drive about them, that that's

what they want one person. And I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it's wrong, but you know it's speeches own right, and and and it takes time to work on those things, right, like anything else, you just don't you know, you just don't stop being the pimp over right, it's something that you learned how to how to control. Hey, what should what should perspected? Me? All right, Uh, I look at things for the endo, right. So it's true.

We we learned everything backwards. So to say we come into we come outside in our neighborhoods, people tell us I got this girl, this girl, and this amount of girls I just slept with, and we we we adapted, so we learned how to play in that game. Ultimately, you say to yourself, it is what I'm doing leading me to the happiness that I'm looking for. So for me, I was married in my twenties. I thought I wasn't

ever going to cheat. I can't say that I had an itch to cheat because in my in my th process at the time, I thought that being married was gonna be the end too my happiness and that into my daughter's happiness and hopefully to into her happiness. What I didn't account for was the ups and downs. So then when I was sentenced to twelve and a half years and federal prison, unfortunately, the young lady decided that and maybe better for her to rethink the connection. Right.

So monogamy to me, I'm I'm more for it, I'm willing to try it. I don't say it's ah, I don't speak in absolute, so I don't know how I would have done twenty years down the line that I get and I didn't get a chance to live out. But I want it because if that really ain't now that I'll keep hoping a bump into one day, then you know, some of the things that I think I'm building toward would be unfulfilled. So I definitely believe it exists.

I don't know what today's standards, how it actually materializes, but we gotta take the baby steps toward it so that that's just my my one too. When I jumped in the ring. If you're a stripper, I kind of give you the strip of vibe. If you are business woman, I give you the business from the vibe. I'm gonna deal with you as you are, but I don't want to hit a praying when you get the results that

leads you to be in single or in a committed relationship. Well, here's here's my thing about that analogy that you just gave. First of all, there's some strippers out here that are more upstanding in terms of their morals than businesswomen, right, And I like to think of myself as a businesswoman, but I'm a stripper in my mind, Like in my mind, that's what I think I am. But yet and still I operate as a businesswoman every day. Um. And you know when I try to live my life opposite what Um?

What what people try to or what their their narrative is of what a stripper is. Right, Like, I went to a strip club a few weeks ago, and people don't think we go to strip cluslas sometimes, like we activists also go to places where other black and brown folks hang out. Like I don't know why they think, Oh my god, I can't yes that that we do that. Um. And and this young lady says to me, she says, oh my god, you know, it's just to see you here.

It means so much to me. And she said, because people look at me and they think all these negative things about me, because there is a stigma that exists. We all agree with that. And she's like, but I'm really just in here trying to feed my kids and trying to get myself through these classes that I'm taking,

esthetician classes that she's taken. Right. So I support sex work. Um, that that's a part of our platform is or let me just say, a part of my platform is that I support sex work because I feel like we've been being paid or not paid enough or whatever for our bodies, for our culture, for our beauty for so long. And now that women are beginning to take their story and take their bodies into their own control and say, I'm if I'm you know, if I'm Cardian and and and uh,

what's her name? Meg the Stallion, We're gonna get paid to make the same song that sir mix a lot and what's what? What's the other one? Um? What's his name? The main luke exactly? These women they've been selling and marketing the same coaching that Cardian and Meg decided to sell.

But those two are trashed, and we could stand around and sing all of these other songs that were sold to us by men um and I think and and the reason why I'm sort of going off on a tangent about this a is because, unfortunately, Billy, it's not that women just have a monogamous mindset, right, It's that we have been taught certain things about gender roles in

our society. We've been told women, if you sleep with five dudes, you a home, and men, if you sleep with five due five women, you are You're the king. You're the man. You know what I'm saying that was taught to us, So we had we many times we

feel we have no choice. But somehow or another, we have to shift these mindsets because it's too many Black women out here that don't have husbands, because we don't feel like this is like no place for us, right, and not to mention, not to mention that seemed like white women are just coming into our communities just taking our husbands. So what I what I would say to this, right, It's what I tell Tamika. And we have debates, me her, Linda,

we all have different debates. And I think what I was saying before is that women are coming into relationships with unrealistic expectations, right, a lot of them. I'm not

I didn't say oh, I said women. They are all women that are coming into relationships realistic expectations, right, And you deal with a certain caliber of individual just like one day said to you, right, just like he was saying, I was a sniper, I was out here this and that, right, and he had to go through a process with this when maybe it was just two years or whatever, he went through a process to where he decided, you know what, I'm cutting this off and I'm moving in this direction.

A lot of women don't want to go through any process. They don't want the mistake you might make. Like we we we are all men, especially we are we work in progress like and that's why I think for me, that's why I say monogamy is a growth process, especially when we come from our communities. Especially if you had your heartbroken, you was young, and he was in jail, he got married, the women said, I'm gonna go somewhere else. Now it's like, okay, I put I put all listen

to this woman. Now I can't. I can't allow that to really happen again. So now for me to put my my eggs in this basket, there has to be some level proof or something that I'm I'm doing this onto the right person. So I think women coming to relations or ain't dealing with the dude. We're doing this. He cheated and he did this, I'm moving on and a lot of times we were working in progress. We make mistakes. We're not always perfect. And then that women say,

that's excuse. I don't want to do excuses. I just want a man that does this. They look at Instagram and they got relationship goals from couples that ain't they Their relationship ain't nowhere near what you think it is. They don't win through this and that they're looking at forty and fifty year marriages and relationships where the mother that took the farther back five times he had a love child over here he's messing with ms suit on

the block. But they fought through all those things. And women a lot of women want those relationships, but they don't want to go to none of those things. And let me let me say this too, I patron arts um, if you're sex work, I'm not judging. Trust me. The last girl, I think she needed it for my operation. I don't know what it was at the time, but I definitely helped the course. I believe, like Martin said, in life. But what happens is it's the lifestyle, right

or the mindset. You go and you meet these people, they say to you, Okay, I do want a man, but I'm willing to allow a man to give me this, this, this, that in the third or you're not what I thought you should be. There's no building process. A lot of times where he could say she's in for me, I'm in for her, the course that it has for um each person in the party we're being fulfilled by wanting to be with each other and hoping to grow with each other. Is if you can't pay these courts, then

you're not worth being with. And that's an unfortunate exchange that today's world and even yesterday's world allow us to believe that's the standards of build in the relationship. And it shouldn't be that way. I told to me this all the time. A lot of women on love with the fantasy of relationship and not the reality. Right. They

want they want a situation and not a man. Right Because if you come and say I just want to be married, well I just want to be in this, Well that don't mean you want to be with me. You're looking for me to fit into a place. I want a woman that wants to be with me and whatever comes with that. That's what it mature is into. When you walk into relationship saying I want a situation and not the individual that you didn't, then that it doesn't really fit. And that's what I think it's happened

in a lot of ways. Yeah you're wrong, but uh no, so cute because you don't only want to got this sense of pH Now I'm just messing with y'all. Y'all all have different perspectives that are important. And I was being funny, but because when the show airs, I don't want people to say that I said everybody here is wrong. I do. I don't mean that. I think everybody does have a different perspective. However, cute, I want to understand the two year process. Okay, because that's the track I

want to be on. Let's get it done. So do you agree with my son's perspective that you know? Well here he said a situation ship. So what I'm trying to understand with your woman, your wife that you married, did you not look at her and say these are the things that I want the situation ship that he

speaks to write. I want a wife that is going to I'm just making up stuff, cook, not be sleeping around, have good hygiene, um you know, uh, you know whatever, have some type of either financial success or a plan to get there. And then when you met your wife, she's started to sort of fill into these things. Is that would that not be having a situation in mind? And then a per person that was able to fulfill

those things. Yeah, I mean, you're you know, you're exactly I think you're you're we're you're exactly right or headed down at half of what I was thinking. So, I mean, for me, I knew what I wanted in a woman. Um, you know, down to whether you know I want her to do this and do that, have this career, have this ethnic background. You know, I was to that level.

You know, I want my women that they had this ethnicity, right and then I want her hair to look like this, and I want her feet to look like this, and I want her ask to look like this, right like, So I mean, I I mean, I'm just to your point, like I had my my my my view of what I wanted my wife to look like. Um, I'm sorry if I'm being too grows with the details, but you know, I knew what I want my wife to physically look like. I knew what I wanted my wife can mentally look like,

spiritually look like, and emotional look like. And that's why it's tooking me forty five When I quoty five years, I need an opportunity toil like twenty. But you know it took me twenty five years or so they to to to to find that person that that I wanted.

But also what also in checking those boxes if we want to use that, I also held myself accountable for boxes I need to check off because of what value add would I be to the woman that I need if I didn't achieve my own personal goals and and so I can't expect her to hold me accountable for a mile and goals I need to accomplish. Me first, make myself as solid as possible so that she would even entertain the conversation with me, you know, during an introduction,

you know, a day or something like that. So you know, I had boxes that I wanted to check off as far as what I wanted with my wife, and then I had boxes to check out that what I wanted within myself, um and myself you know we're naturally selfish, but within myself, you know, I had to make sure a little box would check off. And it wasn't fun ride because especially in South Africa, I mean, there was a lot of pressure of you know, um, of of settling down. Okay, when did you have your pH d?

Now you went to business school in London, got your your business certification and things like that, and now you're you're traveling around the world, you're established. Now it's time for you have been married. It's time people go back to South Africa. Like in two thousand and ten, I had an arranged marriage set up. Then I had to go go back and meet her and I I went and I told my mom's that MoMA not do this. Man. So we you know, that all went to kabash or whatever,

and I came back to the States. But you know, to your point to make it's all about I did. I did have a checkbox that I that I actually wanted and once I found it, you know, then I then from there it was like, you know, it went really really really fast, like like you said, two years, because I was mentally knew what I wanted to do

and uh and where I wanted to go. And we had the opportunity to live with each other to that and that was something that was like the no no in seven day events, right, you didn't live with your wife or your girlfriend and things like that, but you know, we did. The situation is worked out where you know, we we end up living together for a years, so that even made it more kind of move a little bit faster then because we really got to see what each other was like day in and day out, you know.

Um uh and if it really could work. So um that that's pretty much why are I think the pace that was how we went. Some people think it's fast, but and some people think it's you know, average time. But just depends on your perspective on things and what your outlook is and where you want to go. So um and me being as you know, very strategic and analytically minded, being in the science industry, it's just just something that just naturally comes, you know, come from me

for the standpoint of how I look. I think, whether it's worth or whether it's personal. So I just want to I want to touch on something because I remember when you first said that you didn't want to be mard like. I didn't you like, I wasn't trying to be bad. That wasn't I wasn't trying to be married until I check off my body. I didn't finish that,

so okay. So but what I wanted to say is that goes to what it would as what it as I was trying to say, right, I think men are trying to find a woman that they want to marry right, and I think that woman. Some women are trying to find they're trying to get married and find a man to fit into the thing. We don't. We don't as men. We don't go into situations saying, you know, I'm trying to get married right women women are looking to date for marriage, and then men are looking to date people

that they like, and then they matures into damn. I could settle then with this girl, like I really like her, enjoy this company, or you know what, I really and never thinking about marriage. I don't even want to. But this is somebody I see myself pointing to be with. And I think that a lot of times when with a lot of women friends that I know, they have expectations I need to be married by now, like it's such and such, I need to be married. I can't

be playing the more games. So what happens is their relationships that people are entering with a fixed state that I need to be married, not whether or not this is the best person for me, or this is somebody that all would equally yoke would or somebody that checks on boxes because they are There are a lot of times people would know. I know women who have gotten married two men who haven't checked through boxes, right, But

just he wants to marry me. I told him, I gave you you need to be I gotta get married. I'm not playing those games. If we're not married in two years and go on, you still like the women you're dating a into you, but you don't you're not always sure that you want to get married in two or three years. Maybe you're not. Maybe you still like it, but she's gonna put this thing on you. I need to be married and they get into marriages two more

years is deteriorating. And and and I want to know if y'all think that that's was contributing to the marriage rate the divorce rate being high is who what do you think is contributing to divorce rates being so high this day? So for me, real fast mice, and just just to cut off on some of the things that brother Q were talking about. We got women have these boxes right that you check off, right, because like you said, my signe, not too many of us have those boxes

right you know. Um, you know, when we're growing up, a man responsibility was provide and protect, right, That's that's our whole ensemble of being a man is to provide and protect for your family. Right. So now when nowadays, when you meet women, I'm starting to feel that marriage is no longer a marriage of love, is a marriage of a business arrangement, right, because it's more so so when we talk about you know, the divorce rate, let's look at it, right, most of divorces and because of

financial situations, right, mainly mainly that's what it is. So when you have people who go into these situations where they're going into it for a business arrangement, the love pieces taken away from it, right, And it's like, so now we're making decisions off of financial instead of love. Right. So now when a person like me, when I started meeting women, now I'm meeting women who feel like I don't want to be married again, right, you know what

I mean? And that becomes that becomes another issue. Right. So now when you look at a person like me who's never been married, is like, okay, well most of the women and men have been married already and they didn't work for them, and they don't want to get married again. So now you stay on that side like, Okay, I'm cool, I don't need to get married, and she

don't want to get married. So I just think a lot of times we gotta look at you know, what we're looking for, right, And a lot of times when women like you just said, women are looking for that and goal of marriage, men necessarily are not, you know what I mean? And you know, I know that I didn't want to be married. I still don't want to be married, but I do want to be with someone you know that I can love, and you know it be about our relationship and love and not our relationship

and anything else, right. You know, but nowadays you have so many, like Jamika said, you have so many of these sexual social media platforms where you know that's all that's there, right, you know, the UM Association. Yes, you no, not political on this show. We talk about everything on here, because let me tell you is this is a political

conversation right in itself. The idea that black folks have to figure out how we maintain our families, right, and how we bring children into healthy environments, and we need to start dealing with like reality. Right. So when I'm listening to a woman saying that her and her husband are Practice and Polly and they're in a different type of set up, I don't. That's not what I want. But I'm not against it either because it potentially could

be the next thing or the thing. First of all, we've always been in polly relationships, if you really want to keep it a hundred, right, we've been. That has been going on since the beginning of time. That especially to make up that this particular guest that we had on last week, her relationship of a man with multiple women. And by the way women consist, sisters can see here all day and say, oh, well, you know that's because I don't know anything about it. You know, you do know,

you know what's going on. You feel like, you argue about it, you fight about it, but you choose to stay with the person you with, either because of a financial reason, because of children, and or just because you love this person and hope that they will eventually grow out of it. But we have been in polly relationship hips. So I'm saying to myself, my mind is not closed

to anything. But I do know that when I sit in a room with thirty to forty black women and only one or two, maybe three on a good day, are married and or in successful relationships, that's a problem. It is a problem. And it is political that we are in families or we are we are struggling with so many situations where people have entered unions that they never really were happy and in the first place. Right.

So so that's why you know, on street politicians we talk about all types of things that in get that involved black folks and our truth, like what is the real truth, not just the one that we're telling the world because it looks good, but the real truth. And and there are a lot of black people who are starting to look at marriages and relationships in different ways. And you know, hey, as a single person, I guess

I gotta list in. But you know, Alan, let me, let me, let me direct this at you, because you'll probably get in the least amount of trouble here from answering these real questions. Billy, Billy Billy, I'm not gonna because billy Billy, Billy Billy Billy can't really billy string but Avon I can ask him kind of questions because a ran situation is different. Billy. We just gonna let you get to or the billy um Aron, y'all got

too many options. You have way too many options. I know about these options, right, I have sisters walk up to me all the time they go, oh my god, I saw you post a ran yo. Is he not like? What's good? What's good? That's here? What's good? We shore as the sister um and so she and I talked about a roth's got a lot of options out here. Do you think that that keeps you distracted where you can't really focus in on honing in on one person

or you just haven't met she yet? Okay, First, I was married at my Swunnies when everybody was outside playing. I'm out that conversation already. Life would have it where you know, I made certain decisions on my as far as my Davis was concerned, that allowed for interruption in our union. If you will now put dropped me back into the world. Today, you got people that look at your image and they say I like him, I want him.

Even then you get somebody like me who's gone through the narverrative process and going through the divorce process, and say, since I'm starting over, let me allowing myself to lattituo of picking through a plethora of possibilities. I go and pick through the possibilities. One might be a drunk, one might be a liar. One might be good for you, bad for your harmony, and a way of you can look at me and say he got a jailrator and

be judgment too. You might not know what connects you to me, and I gotta deal with all of the possible problems that arise even culturally. How many times you met a girl you like but her best friend won't allow her to be great with you. So you go through all of these things, and yes, I guess so many applications for possible connections. If you will that it makes it difficult to say yes to a problem. So the work in our process becomes little and more slight

than it used to be. So people think I got a level of detachment that's abnormal. And I like the agree to an extent because life is shotting. If somebody's ready to walk away from you, they will and then you gotta adapt. So me, being an adapter, I might I might take a preemptive stripe on you. So I say this, not that, not in that, not that. Gati is, Oh, Brian, you need therapy A you need well, you need you need several therapist that can be because you know what

I'm hearing. First of all, Billy, let me just say, I know, I know you gotta go. You gotta go, I know it. So you know, if you need to drop, you can. But if you can stay for a few more minutes, that would be great. But but Billy, you I think you're a little bit older than a right you are. Yeah, so that's it. But you know that

I was there, Billy, I I we was young outside. Okay, Billy, you had all the options as well, many options now you Obviously, I can't take anything away from you and the people that you have chose to have children by. You've done a good job of being a good father and supporter of those individuals. And your daughter's mother obviously, she's beautiful, and you know I see you working at that. So I don't want to take that away from you. But you had a lot of options to a lot

and what did you call them? Opportunities or whatever? Aron just said here, Listen, my situation is different. Point at you. I'm about to tell story. We've been around a long time, and I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm not saying that I haven't had I'm not saying

that I haven't had options. But you had a lot of options, and still you were unable to get that wife foreverything going on the question that I'm when I'm trying to get down to is do y'all think that because there's been so many options over time, that you've been unable again to like settle yourself down that chase that you know that that Q was talking about earlier, because it's like you feel like you're giving up something or as aging you or or you know, is that

what it is? Because you're supposed to be married, Billy, so so so so I'm gonna keep it as authentic as possible, right, and you know, authentically for me, it's it's been a combination of both, right, it's been a combination of both, you know, you know, as as me growing up and in hallm you know, I grew up with a lot of at tension with from women, right and unfortunately, you know, a woman that I thought I cared about, that loved me, that I thought loved you know,

and I loved her. Um told to Mandy where I lived at and I wind up getting gunned down six times, left in my building for dead. Um. You know, learned learning how to walk, talk, use the bath from all that stuff again, right, So that dealt with a lot of trauma, right and then and at that time, I was never able to deal with my trauma. Right. I never was able to understand why would somebody that say they love you tell somebody that's gonna harm you where

you live at? Right. So then not saying all women are like that, but that puts a big cloud over me with women, right and trust issue, right, and that was something that I never was able to deal with. So now and these relationships that I found myself getting in and being with, it was just like that one thing that I felt that was a sign of the trust it was time for me to go right, And I know those are you know, habits. Like I said earlier, I was a broken boy that became a broken man. Right.

So now with all the great woman that I had in my life, I couldn't see beyond that one thing that they did. Right. The second thing is like you know, growing up and being an entrepreneur and trying to figure out things. Part of being a successful husband in my eyes, not saying and everybody eyes, was being able to provide for a person, right, and you take ownership of that household. So if that woman that I'm dating has kids, right,

and she's gonna be my woman. That's what those kids become mine and I have to be able to take care of those kids along with my also, right, So there was time financially, I wasn't in that position. So when you're not in that position, I would rather say, you know what, I would just stay away so I won't get into that position and not being able to be successful A success us fool man, Because for me, it was all my ego. So if I can have ten fifteen different women at the time, I'm just that's

just a big number. But it's just like again, Billy, it's me, you know. But so looking at that, it became an ego thing, right, And then I've been then I was driven by ego. Right, So having these women been opening up a lounge and stuff like that, and then doing all the parties as you all know, like it comes with a lot, and it's just like, okay,

why settle? So I felt that I will settle when if I sit down with one person, right, And you know, as you get older and now on a different a different paths, like, yeah, you do want to settle down, but I still don't want to settle down for the simple fact that I'm on this path and it's only gonna make me look better if I had that woman with me, right, I want that woman to be with me, like my song said, because they want to be with me, not with they see or maybe social media or what

they see on TV or anything like that. I want them to be able to love a person for for for who's standing in front of them. So a lot of it, and I will say a lot of it is me, And I'm not pointing the finger at women, but a lot of it is me. And I think, you know, like you did, It's like eventually I'm gonna hit that wall. Was like, okay, this is what I want now, and this is how I'm gonna you know, this is what I'm gonna take my time and learn how to get. Hitting the dealer was not a hard

one and that's what this should be. Cute you gotta go, You got Do you have any last words of encouragement for these these single brothers out here? You know that before Qute Stars Monday, let's let's let's be clear, you also had a rife that was as ready as you were to take that step. Me know you guys. Personally, I got the I got the advantage point of saying when she said, upon ye proposal that not be playing

with me that man, I'll kill your ass. Dudes like Latina, so you know that blood runs hot, you know human and Panama that's hot right there, so you know, you know she she definitely was like, all right, make sure you know you know what you want want? You know what I mean. I'm like, yeah, I'm good, you know I'm good. But you know, I the question that you did ask to me, because it's a very interesting questions because yeah, I was exactly where Billy and a Ran were.

Where the volume of women that I was dealing with was, you know, hi that it was a distraction from the standpoint of trying to get to know any individual woman to the depth of I needed to know I know them right to make a decision. But at the same time, I was good with the volume because I myself knew I didn't want to get married because I had so

many other things to do with my life. First for me personally, so it was just having fun for me in the meantime until okay, for me, I wanted to satisfy these these check off these boxes for myself, but also from my mom. Right and and and I'm no different. I think, you know, the these two young these two gentlemen here is you know, I didn't have a fithering line. Right. My father left when I was five. Correction, it's just Billy is referring to right now, not me. I really

got the problem. Not me, yeah, right, but now it's it's it's you know, I had you know, I didn't have the father in the house. And so the unique thing about my upbringing is that because I didn't have that man in my the man in my house, my mom gave me many men from the church who were deacons and elders. And that was something that I was around on Wednesday, on Saturday, you know, on Sunday. So I was around a lot of church deacons and elders who were you know, taking that role, you know, in

some form of fashion. Right. Um. But still, yeah, I didn't learn how to be a man. I didn't learn how to I learned from my friends how to be a man, right, I learned you know what their cops was teaching them. You know, I didn't have someone who gave me that, so I had to learn on the fly, and and then education in school and the demand of what the family, a South African family, fires of you um had me heavily focused at in Pennie College. I went from eighteen where I left on my four team.

I didn't officially graduate with my PhD n b A. I was always done when I was thirty. So you know, that's eighteen years straight of NonStop at school, like NonStop, like that's it. I've heard you say that you lost your virginity at twenties. So that also, I'm sure has something to do with, you know, the way you live now, you know, because we're so hyper sexualized and that. Yeah, that's another issue. Yeah. So you know again it was I was just raised, you know, different, deep in that

Christian church. And then Kenny had had that little that moment where I left, you know, I left home or whatever. But you know, my mom grabbed me back up, and you know, she she she acknowledged her mistaken and said, okay, well, you know what, I'm gonna to bring you back into the range and put you around in a Christian environment where it was Christianity seven days a week, every day. And I came home maybe for two days every month

and went back. So I mean since I left home since the fourteen, I've never been home more than two weeks along as I've ever been that was like during

some ovacation. But you know, ever since then, you know, I've I've learned to be a self suited And I think that's what Billy and a Rod has developed themselves into, learning how to be a self suited where we don't need these specific emotional aspects from women because we've learned how to self survive ourselves and know how to take care of ourselves and know how to lick our own wounds.

And so you see that from a lot of men today that grew up in our areas who was born in the seventies and early eighties, you know where we're self suitags. And I think a lot of that contribution came from our moms teaching us how to be self suit is because they themselves was could not be They had to be mom and dad. But they were like, okay, listen, you see how hard I'm working. You see how I have to strap it up. You're gonna have to learn how to do this and strap up for yourself at

some point in time. And so we have to learn how to sell suit because how many nights have we seen our moms cry and blah blah blah and they self suit so as men with no other men in the house. That's the way the world is. My mom's a self soothed and she's a woman. I need to be a selfther m. So what that does is the value of a woman in your life decreases drastically because what is the quote unquote value that a woman brings to a man life is that emotional support and security

and protection. Well, once we're but being trained to be self sooths from young then our need to be with women at a very serious level or at that level is reduced drastically because I know how to sell sue, I can I can take care of myself. I can cook, I can clean, I can wash. You know, I can't be hygiene all these kind of things, which is all

great assets. But the worst thing that we actually learn from our parents, our mothers is how to be self suits, because then that does not allow us to be emotionally available for a woman. And when we're not emotionally available for a woman, then you just have a plethora of women applications hanging around until at some point in time you become exhausted and you need that emotional dependence. Some

people never get exhausted, right that this never happens. But some people do get exhausted and then they need that emotional support and then that's when it happens. That's when that next step happened. But until I think a man who's a heavy self suited, like you know, my generation, until that at that point where they don't have the energy to self suit anymore they need that extra then I think that's when you're going to see a dynamic change in that person behavior. M. Well, thank you so

much to you. We appreciate you for UM coming and sharing your perspective today. I think I would push back that you all that many men are not really self soothing. It's multiple soothing UM that is needed. And and you know, I don't know, I am. I do believe still in a world like the one that you are creating with your beautiful wife, UM, where you you know, you guys are working through it, figuring it out right two years in and and hoping that it can be forever. And

there are many relationships that are like that. But I have to say that you guys are absolutely the exception and not the rule as we see it in our world today, because there's just so much happening with relationships, and I do you know when I listened to my brother's a and well, and also even with my son and the men that I talked to around our organization and just men in general, the language that is used Billy saying, Um, you know marriage should be beIN goal right, Um,

I don't know what it was that you said. A The language that is used is associated with negativity, whether you realize it or not. Right, Like, marriage doesn't have to be an end. It can actually be a new beginning. But the way that we see it when we speak about it, even me, I'm gonna be single, that's the type of stuff that I say. So that doesn't leave room for the right person to meet me and to be with me because I'm automatically just sure it's not

gonna work out. So I think we all have to figure out what is a new way that we can see relationships and speak about relationships and try to get back to a place where having a wife or having a family or whatever. Um and and believing in your man or a guy that you meet and not talking and down and always being negative that these things become more normal and certainly right now it just doesn't feel like it's that way. Well, I have to disagree with you. Um,

what I said was my end goal. I start with the end goal in mind. In the end goal, that wasn't the negative things you said. I think about it, don't worry. And I was politicking. Remember you didn't want to bring it from a creepers. What is the goal for for most women? What is the goal in dating? What is the end goal? Result? It is it is for man? But I don't know if this is no. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying we all of

us the way that we speak. Sometimes it's like when you owe the wall, like getting a wall, Um, the end, the end goal, like these these thought process when you think of something being the end us getting married. Even me, if I say that, when my end goal is for us to get married, sometimes that to me breathes the idea that life has stopped or things you know, have changed in a in sort of a negative way. And perhaps if we breathe life into it, like my next

phase is marriage not my end goal? But the next phase in my life is going to be marriage. Then the next phase maybe but you know, retirement and getting old with the person that I'm I'm with, you know what I'm saying. So I don't know, I maybe all the way off. But it just sounds like when I hear us say, well, you know, when he finally hit that wall, then he met his wife. Maybe the wall is not because when we think of hitting the wall, that's a negative thing. I don't I don't really I

don't really think. I don't really think. I don't really think it's a negative thing to me. Can when you look at it holistically, because you just say about people who are doing things in the streets or you know, once you hit that wall, right, once you hit that wall, you change, Right, there's always a point where there's going to be a shift, right, and that shift usually come

with something negative, right that ship. But listen to what he's saying, is I don't think when he said hit the wall, the wall was everything outside of his marriage, right, he hit the wall in the dating and dating with a different woman. When he hit a wall with this this is stop there. No, he hit the ceiling with that and his marriage wasn't the wall. His marriage is when his life actually begins, because it was. So I mean right, it's again it's a goal, so you do

put end goal, but it's still a goal. My end achievement. This is what are going to be in three or five years, seven, ten years. It's my goal. So that means my end goal is something that I'm shooting for. This is my target, and I'm looking to a get to this level so ultimately, and I want to understand because once I get to this goal, there's next phase. There's other goals that's going to come after that goal. But I need somebody who's gonna help me get to that.

I need somebody who's gonna give me enough data for me to say, you know what, I'm going to roll with this person to help me achieve all the next level of things that I need to accomplish. So I hit the wall from an academic stampoint. So I hit the wall. You can't get no more than the pH D N N B A. You've done right. So I hit that wall. Then I didn't get married. I went and said, I want to hit the next wall. My end goal is to be a president. Once I hit

that end goal. Then I said, you know what, I'm a good fellow now because you know, when you at this level, you don't have people who call general recruiters calling you. You get called up to be a boss at that point in time. So for me, I was like, Okay, I hit my academic wall. I hit my professional wall. So I'm good. So now I can take all that energy that I was applying to to achieve my educational goal,

my academic goal. Now I can actually, you know what, be more serious about you know, the next side of where I want to be, which for me was I want to have somebody that I can rock with for the rest of my life, right, And so now I was like, okay, it wasn't just only a deal I met on bumber when I got to New York. Please leave that right, So it was it was there, right.

So but after I dated, you know, three or four months, I mean, it was like it didn't it really you know, and I put the time in to to ask those questions and I gotta go. But it was like, you know, when I sat, my dating approach was totally different after I hit those goals, because it was it didn't take me five conversations to really clear all the bullshit and be like, hey, what's up. Like the first date, I'm like, Yo, this is what I'm about. I'm looking forward, this is

what I'm trying to do. It's who I am. Blah blah blah blah blah. And if that don't work for you, you know what I'm saying, cool, we can be friends. Right. So you had a whole bunch of texting and blah blah blah going back and forth on bumble or whatever. You have a whole bunch of that going back and forth. But when we finally had that first sit down, you know, you just put it I put it all on the table, like, this is what it is. This is who I am, this is my flaws, this is what I did, good, bad,

ugly blah blah blah blah blah. And if none of that really works for you, then cool, because I'm not I'm forty I'm forty two or forty three at that time. I'm not changing. So you need to understand who you're gonna get with from the beginning, right, And it just so worked out a deal. It was the same way, like yo, blah blah blah, this is what you're gonna get right, And it was just like back, you know.

And that was like one of the realst conversations that I had where on date one and spring boardered us forward to to continue on to have those more in depth, real to real conversations with each other, and and and again I was there mentally where that was where I want to take all that energy that I had, pride, I had been so successful and all these other things. Now I want to be successful in the relationship. But that was a decision I hadn't been I didn't hit

a wall for saying at all. I just made a decision that Okay, I'm successful here, successful here, Now I want to be successful here because this is what I need. I'm gassed, I cannot self soothe anymore. I'm done right, So I need somebody to hold me down. I need somebody I can bounce scarfs off, work, emotional professional the gym, like she busted my eyes and me on the peloton. I mean, you know everything you know while we're outside running.

So we pushed each other in all these different aspects. And funny enough, I'm saying something is probably on the edge. But she's like the female version of me mm hmm. And it's like it's that game. But you know, so you know, I'm just saying, like, give yourself a little more credit it, you know what, I'm just saying, just so much you think so much like me, like you know, and it's just fes your person, your person, and that's like you know, and people get mad when I want

to be better at this me. I want to be better at accepting what is not for me, right, I want to be better. I think that that could actually make your relationship stronger if you can look at somebody or some situation and realize this thing, right, it's not that you're a bad person, because you know, for me, you cheat on me, you lie to me, do I'm automatically, Oh my god, you're a horrible the worst person ever.

Dog in the street, you know, run you over with a car and bash you in the head with backs like that's the way that I see it. I'm just being honest. But the truth is that sometimes people just it just ain't it don't work. It just doesn't work. And that's and that's difficult for us as women because as the big argument we had last week on the show was about and I kept telling my son. The issue is not that as I'm getting older and as and more women are talking about the issue is not

that we won't be willing to be Polly. The issue is not that you know, we won't we we won't allow or or accept the fact that our man may want to be with another woman, or you know, may not want to be married. The issue is the deceit. It's the lie. It's the not telling people straight up and down, like you said, you who I am, what it is I want, and what I'm trying to do here. Instead we meet men that tell some men who tell us all of this ship and build us all up.

And I remember, Billy, you telling me a long time ago, I don't got time to do all that I'm telling women straight up and down is who I am, is what I'm doing this? When this is it? You know? This is? And I'm like you look, I said, I remember, I said, you look so happy? Yes, because I'm honest in my life to just being truthful and honest and it keeps problems down. But when you are getting in situations with people who lie and they cheat, lie and dog you out and do all these things, that that

is what makes for so many problems in relationships. I think people just need to start being honest about who they are, what they want. People think I'm brutally honest and brutal honesty is it is a bad thing, right, You're rude, you're rude. It's rude. That's relative term. I think we should revisit that. So what I think is this, when you tell a person what you're in for, as Billy suggests, that's you might get a fear. Okay, I understand, I'm what, It's all right. And then emotions get involved

with each interaction. So each exchange you have with a person, it's adding to their bank in some way, or you're taken from their bank in some way. After an issue, meet up and everything is good, we understand each other. Three episodes later, you're a piece of ship because you did not give me what I wanted in my head. So being honest is not the end or be all. Um I think, and and it's important to note, I

have a daughter, she's twenty. I want to be a kind of role model to her that would allow her to know that good men still do exist. My mother was a single lady. Um. I met my father when I was fifteen. However, when I got married in my twenties, my sole desire was to make sure I did somebody

better than I thought. My mother got hinted. All of these might not be the most perfect reasons to be away, but I definitely would say this, anybody you choose to give you a time to wanna love, wanna have uh committed relationship with you have to put your once desires and expectations up front and see if they're in harmony, what what the other person's wants, designs and expectations. If you have a clash at that point, then you know that relationship is gonna at least be on the rocks,

if you will. But if you have some sort of harmonious connection, then it's worth exploring. So a lot of times we come in with big disconnects because the ship that I want is not in line with the things that you want. And before before long we already didn't had sex. And then now you guys say, oh, you

shouldn't have took that from me. M hmm, sorry to Mekat and put that you made you made the street politeticians clip just now with that right there, because it's true, By the time, by the time you can act this. That's the second thing. That the big argument why SO

and I have all the time? He says that, uh, you know our friendships, right, we value our friendships and then put strains on relationships and I and I try to tell him that once you have sex with somebody, the expectations of what it is that you want from that person change. It's not the same thing. I don't I do not it. Billy and Iran, don't call me today. If my son goes off god knows where and moves to another it don't mean ship to me because I

ain't sucking y'all. But as soon as so and so screws me, that person has to answer to how you also treat me. I don't understand what's so hard about this concept. It's not that simple. It's not that simple. It's not that simple. To let me tell you what. It's not that simple, right, because right you have if two people enter to a situation, right, everybody has to

have the same expectation. If I made a conscious decision that I entered into a situation and we have sex when we both had sex, if I don't expect you to tell me everywhere you go. Before we have sex, I didn't tell you. I'm gonna tell you everything about me, and we all completely combined, conjoined at the hip, and you decided to have the expectation and you put it

on me. That's not my fault, right, But when you and what I'm trying to also say is when you have a friendship, when you when you have a friend you when when things are rooted in friendships, you are fully aware of the individual that you're dealing you, you get to know that person, you identify with that person, You make conscious decisions on how you move forward with

that individual, and you you love that person. Despite whether the relationship or anything else works out, whether the physical relationship anything works, you still want the best for that individual. And I think friendships they outlast relationships, or they could go into relationships if they're done properly. But when you go into a relationship just wanting a relationship and I'm just looking for a man or I'm looking for a woman, that's where the parliament is because for some reason, when

people get into relationships, they see you as property. I don't want to be property. I don't I'm not I don't want you to be property. I want everything you do to still be in what you want to do. I don't want you to feel like you're obligated. I don't want you to have to move outside of yourself and do something different that you would normally do because of me. No, I want us to be so in tune with each other that it makes you happy to make me happy. I don't. You don't need to be

frustrated to make me happy. You don't really I want to go out. I don't want to hang out, but she's gonna have attitude or I can't do this with my girl. I don't want that. I want relationships or you. I will come hit me when you come home. You know what you're doing. I want us to be in tune because I've been through all of that, Like in marriage, you go through things. I'm just saying, this is what you should be looking for. You should be in tune

with individuals. You should it shouldn't be so hard to be happy. And that's what when you start saying, damn, it's relationship. Should not be hard to be happy, and relationships all work. It's a job. But I don't want to nobody wants it to be a job. It is have been married for fifties something years, and they and they will tell you that my dad, when I say, daddy,

was the key how you do it? First of all, when I asked that question, but my mother, she goes, huck, you don't know what I had to go through, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. So I get that. But he will tell you that love is only one part of it, and it's not It actually is not the most important thing. It's the respect and it's work, he tells me all the time. It is work. It's a job. Every day you get up. You have to actually work at figuring out this other person that you're

trying to share forever with. You know what I'm saying. So you gotta be up for you have to be up for the job. And but but not in all situations, even with your best intentions, can you make it work. And that's the part that scares me about entering into relationships, because you don't. You might, it might not, And then that hurts. It hurts, And y'all will say, yeah, men hurt too. But you guys are able to just bounce on and and move on. It doesn't really work like

that for us. When we get hurt, we get brus so bad that it actually is physical sickness, you know. So anyway we've been talking, we're not able to bounce on. And so what happens is this we like a young lady, our interests are not in line it. It causes conflict. The lady sees as being able to bounce on and move on because men a white not to sit there and cry and be like, you know, what are you doing this? This is not fair. We don't do that right. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna go to

the gym. Meet with mice's yo. Let's go to the gym. Um, you know you want to feels, she say, gotter this and it seems simple, but to hurt, the pain and all that, it's still there because he keeps talking my head off about something that I really don't want to hear. I ain't had nothing to do with it. But you entertain your friend because this is your partner. Um. So going into these relationships, men want the same thing ladies want.

Then come from hurts, then come baggage. Men want a partner that that allows them to be free of worry also, and free of worry is not or um love issues is all right? If I fail like this business endeavor when you look at me bad or when you say it's all right baby, let's get to the next next step.

If I fail like being emotionally present, because I've been talking to be a roadblot for twenty seven all years, is it okay that it takes me three years they get to the balance that you need me to have for you, I'm down here, you know, with me there. So then this polly thing, the theory of it is these multiple parties that come into your life provide balance.

How about it? The person that you're with, That one person gives you the kind of exchanges that allow you to give and take and it creates balance where you don't need three girls. Because I feel like if I if I split myself up into three ways, I'm taking away from the one person I actually love, Like damn, I'm dolouting the amount of money she could have had for investment or the house we could have bought, or the goals to be trying to set for ourselves. And

I'm given to somebody that I got less taken. That's why I don't. I don't never promote polly, but I do understand balance. So if the person that's looking and seeking balance shoes that can do it in three women, then I understand the theory of it. But other than that, they don't. They don't normally say yo, I don't normally

come in relationship say I can't you be with my lady? Balanced? Though? See, the thing is this, you are looking for balance, right, but for some reason its relationships be so unbalanced sometimes right, and you don't know why. And you can really love somebody or you can really care for somebody, but you just see, I see all. I hear it all the times, have a conversation with people. There's just very hard to

find a balance. It's it's hard to find for women to find a man that wants to do it's hard for find a woman that wants to do all the things necessary. And then when you come and say, well, because they have requirements as men, like like you said, we have a checklist just like they have a checker, the certain things like I need a woman that supports me mentally physically. I need a woman that I need motivation.

You know what I'm saying. I need like I watched hockey all the time, and every time she said you can't win up like I would have been it's no, exactly, it's a certain ship that it's I can't take. But then you got a woman your cook or woman that won't. You got a woman that clean, you won't. You got a woman that's a good provider, take your kids, it's

gonna take it. It's certain ships that this woman have and then there's certain ship that they don't and you and you try to but I hear what you're saying. But when you're looking at relationships and you're looking at why relationships are not working, is because there's no balance, because there are certain requirements that each person is having that is on major requirements that aren't being fulfilled. There are major things. And it's not saying that you're a

bad personal. I'm a bad person. It's just certain ship that I don't do that you need definitely need done, and certain ship that you don't do that I need done. So how do we how do we fix those things? I guess you got I guess it is our top is our top four? What are the top four things that we need in the relationship for to work, right. So it's just like you're having a polosty cut into eight slices, right, Somebody's not going to have all eight slices,

and those eight slices may not even exist at all. Right, But you gotta fill figure out which ones of mine that I that I need. Do I need that emotional support, that physical support? Do I need that spiritual support? Do I need that financial support? What is your top what is your top five that you that you can't do without? Right? And I think that's where your balance coming there, right, Because like my mice, you get it right? Might she married? Right?

So your wife? Have your wife have certain things that you that you have, Hey, when you was married, she had certain things that you needed at that time, right. So you know, I think when we look at it, we gotta look at and say, okay, what are the five things that I need from this particular woman? Right? And I know for me there was five things that I need from a woman, but I didn't know that I really needed them. I thought I needed just three,

but I needed five. So sometimes it's like you gotta really connect with yourself, right, You gotta really connect with yourself. Because I would always say I don't need a trick the cook for me. You know why I got got the restaurant. I got somebody I can order some food. Right. So when the nowadays, when you meet women who don't really don't like to cook that much, it's like, is

that a deal breaking? Now? What you also gotten older, sir, and you have settled down in your life, somebody cooking for you has become a thing that you didn't care about before. But you let me just let me just get my point on. You're in your whole stage. That's what's going on here, okay, And you're like, we need to these Skyla Greens Brown is doing na. But listen,

we appreciate y'all so much. You too, are two brothers that I can say are consistently real, right, and and of course brother Q I appreciate so much his contribution to this conversation. But y'all are consistently real. I've been knowing you, Billy, like I said, for a long time,

and I know you through the different phases. But I think all of us the goal is to evolve, and you can and I and I watch all of us, the four of us here grow in our own ways, not just in relationships with our partners or whatever, but just in ourselves. And I think that a lot of our focus is so much on somebody else and so little on us. Like you said, getting in touch with self.

Because if we get this right, we probably will show up in relationships better and be able to sustain them, you know, and or make decisions early on about whether something is right for us or not. So I think that's what this little series that we're into. I want my son, hopefully for the next or one of the next conversations around this, to be us dating outside of our race as women, because we don't find viable black

men too many. That's really you can see. I'm not gonna tell me about yeah, because a iron, I don't know. I'm not sure about you and whether not you date some of our Caucasian sisters. Well, I think it's a plethora of African American sisters that you know provide great partnerships. Um, yeah, I'm not all of the women that I know, uh that needs companionship used in a journey to Germany just

to do what I could do in New York. So very busy manage all these states IV managing accounts here, I'm focusing on one portfolio like I'm trying to do it. You understand now, your sisters, that's so elusive. You know, I try to grab you and but you're like magicians, magicians. You know my son, that's our brother. Man, this is a man. I want to say thank you all for this episode. You know you'll always bring every time we speak. You know, he has been on the on our show.

We I've interviewed a before. So just hearing the talking is always good. And he always gives me a perspective that is so so eloquently put. He eloquently states the bullshit. That's that's the probable woman. Yea, some woman. Let me stop saying absolutely just you because a man is giving you as true. Let's that man give his truth? What you say? An what about when I'm involved in scandal? Right, let's say it's just hypothetically right, Let's say I'm involved

in the scan. Do and you know me to be the victim of the skinny? Do you do? Do you say to yourself then that person that allowed this scan, do that happened to me as a person? Yeah? No, you you you definitely were not recently, excuse me, recently you were recently involved in the scandal, and it was it was wrong, And I think, right, I'm a victim. You you you've involved a victim. You're not victims. Victimization is very tricky because you know, my business, who were

getting business to do the good black man thing. Person comes along, try to hoodwink me. I don't fall foot. I'm a bad person. The problem is that people cannot cood wink you with things that are not that didn't happen to be hooked within hood if I didn't. If I get if I did business with you and you stole from the bank account, you had to have access

to the bank account to do the stealing. The problem is if y'all stop giving people access all around your portfolio want to be I thought I was letting people into the banker love and then I'm done. Man, I love you, man, they loved one. Shout out to Billy, shout out to Q, shout out to a Listen. That right there, that's the class. I told you, the guys are gonna bring in a little more perspective. Man, it's not for it was. It was a dope episode. Just

both of these episodes, just him. Women's perspective him Man's prospective the show how different we just see relationships. You know what I'm saying, and I and and some of it is is just about not knowing, you know, and then some of it is just perspective and and some of us have just been taught differently. When you listen to One Day, he comes from an African background, right, he's one Day listen and um, he comes from African background.

They had a arranged marriage, like it's taught like this part of the culture marriage marriage is being okay, you've got your things, you make sure your successful marriage. There wasn't something that he wanted for itself. But then he found this woman who he felt checked off all the boxes, he said, and you know, and then along with the culture, it just it made sense. You don't knew what he was doing, you know. I think in our culture, a lot of us see marriage. We've seen marriages right not

not work. You know, I've been married two times. You know, I got a divorce once and I'm still currently in the marriage. But a lot of us in our in our marriage, we have seen marriage not work. Especially in our culture. We've seen we heard the nay saying a lot of people try marriages is a process. I would tell you that it is a process. Is it takes a lot, it's a lot of energy. Like you said, it's always worked, but sometimes it just doesn't work. And

I've seen people go through all the time. I've been through it myself. It just sometimes things just don't work. And it's not because any individual is wrong. It's not because you're wrong that they're wrong. It's just that sometimes the the frequency is not off the balance. Like you said, there has to be a balance. And when there's not a balance, when someone is looking for a balance from you, you're looking for it from them. Sometimes everybody's looking for

everybody to do the same thing. It just doesn't work. And I just think that people have to enter into relationships with people not for a situation. Not I'm trying to get married. I'm trying to I'm trying to understand that what you're saying, I'm it's resonating slightly and I'm trying to digest it into my digestive track and it's coming to me. That's all you can do. If you got that out of me today, then you you actually you did well, you know what, And here's goes my

I don't get it. I don't get how I didn't think of a bank of up. I just I just don't care how how I ever hear the bank of love? Aaron said, into the bank of love, Into the bank of love. I'm gonna call me and beat up on me right now? Did you beat them people walking out under the bus? You know, Billy Billy, But they came on the show. They know what it is. We're gonna Those are guys, man, and they're good. They're good individuals. They're good man. You know what I'm saying, nobility for

a long time. Just stand up, dude, been parties, been to every his party he ever threw when I was a young boy. So you know what I'm saying. Just watching grow a new ad from the streets, a wild and him coming back home after being incarcerated. Just watching this growth, Just watching all we we've we've been to similar play, We've all been through certain things, you know what I'm saying. So just watching us be mature at the stay ages we all, man, it's always a pleasure.

It's bank of love, man, that's and that's how we're gonna end this episode. On the bank of love. If you ain't been to the bank of love, and you ain't got enough money about the banker Love. Listen. I'm not gonna always be right to me. It's not gonna always be wrong, but we both always and I mean always, always, always be authentic. Thank you for coming to our show,

Street Politicians, number one in the world Peace. Listen to Street Politicians on the Black Effect Network on I Heart Radio and catch us every single Wednesday for the video version of Street Politicians, or I Women dot Tv