Is monogamy dead? “Finding love in the 21st century “ Part 1

was a good thing. Yeah, that's why Thanksgiving was great for me because my parents are alive and well, um you know, and that meant a lot to be there with them. My aunt not only did she she cooked half of the meal. Um, I can't say I cooked the other half, which I can, but I didn't because I purchased it from the great cooks at Sylvia's Restaurant in harm Shout out to Sylvia's. This time, I didn't have to um cook anything. Actually, I was in the

process of making dressing as we call it. Some folks call it stuffing, but we call it dressing. And I was in the process of making that, and my cousin, who came from out of town, she started doing that, so I didn't have to burn one pot this year. So that's the other reason why Thanksgiving was good. But my aunt not only did she cook all half of the meal and all the desserts, she also cleaned the

entire kitchen afterwards, put all the food away. And for people who are in the kitchen for Thanksgiving, you probably would never understand because you probably have never been in the kitchen for Thanksgiving. You don't know how how how serious the cleanup is. That's how I watched. I watched my mother's sister and everybody else and people clean up. I've seen it, you know, I understand. I just don't try not to participate. Yeah, you try not to, we know.

But anyway, so it was good. A lot of family, a lot of love. My child was here with his his dog, which is my grand dog, Louis, and um. I got a chance to spend a little bit of time with them. So hey, for me, Thanksgiving was great. I think I spent the day on Friday sleeping. I don't you know. Again, I didn't have anything to really do, so I was just kind of free. So I slept on Friday, and then Saturday I went outside to the

stores to see what the deals were all about. And I want everybody out there in um street, politicians land to know there's no sale. It's just not true. It's a forest. Don't believe it. This is not there's no sale. I left. I left the store because things were so expensive that I was like, yeah, I can't do it. The thing is that the stuff that you like to me because they don't never go on set. You always about me. That's the Really, you don't shop at the

places where they get the sales. You're not shopping in the place where they got the sales you want. You like high end things, and there's never a sale for high end that. They sent me an email and a text message that didn't say fifty percent. They said things were seventy percent. The thing you would never buy, that's li'sten. You don't know that. How do you know that when you with it, when you walked into that store, was the stuff that you wanted on sale? Now, No, it's

not even no, no, no, it was on sale. No, it was on sale. Excuse me, it was on sale. The problem is that inflation is real, so things are on sale. It was definitely marked down and all of that. But if you're starting with a sweater, like all of a sudden. I don't know what happened, but sweaters our thousand dollars, sweaters five hundred dollars, seven hundred dollars. Like sometimes I found myself up online. I'm like, okay, let

me go see what. You know, what's out there. You know, obviously the algorithm on our social media, it picks up what we're interested in. So you know, it's constantly every day, the baddest ship ever is popping up on my phone. So I'm sitting there going through and I noticed that every time I click something that I like, it's just way more expensive than it was before. Like a sweater can be you know, a sweater that I would say, maybe in the past it was three hundred dollars, which

would have been good. Then it's on sale or whatever, you get it for two hundred dollars, and it'd be a real nice sweater. Now that's there's these same things as seven, eight, nine hundred dollars. Like it's inflation for real, Yeah, it's it's a lots. And I'm a sneaker person, so sneakers have just gotten out of control. Like every pit sneakers it's four and five hundred, you know, and it's and it's retro sneakers, and it's all of them just

all over out of control. So is retro means that it's a sneaker that used to be and it came back exactly. Okay, well that's so they got limited amounts. So when they bring them back, they're charging you triple what they used to be. So yeah, I mean that's really my thought process, my thought of the day today, because I I literally sat and thought about how expensive things are, and I'm thinking to myself, how people gonna

make it? Like I just don't know it takes. I have several streams of income, such as you, several streams of income to survive. I have to speak consult, I have my until Freedom salary. I have other important uh projects and things that I'm involved in. Some of them have not even bared any fruit yet. I've actually put money in. But nonetheless I have different things, several different pockets of money. And still it's you know, obviously, thank God, God,

thank you please. I'm not struggling. But I can't imagine what is happening to a family that is just you know, really making it with two basic incomes. It's something something has to get because when we were last week, we were talking about the smash and grab thing, right, or grab and smash or smashing, smashing, grab, smashing grab. We're talking about that last week, and I took some time to reflect on my privilege because even though I do not,

I have not wavered in my opinion. My opinion remains the same that you must be out of your mind if you think it's a good idea to go into people's store downtowns. They stay down there with the white folks stealing their stuff, knowing that they're going to find a way to catch one, and then one is gonna tell on two, and then two will tell on four, and then all of y'all be in trouble somehow or another.

They're gonna end up putting some type of felony or something else on you, because as has been said, if it's over a certain amount of money, you get a felony and something else, and maybe you know, resistant arrest, and god forbid, you knock somebody over of a patron and or a worker, and now that's an assault situation.

So they just keep they're gonna keep on getting off, and you might have just thought you was going out to have a good time, right, But checking my privilege, I'm thinking to myself, Wow, if what you're saying is correct, that retro sneak is five and six hundred dollars, if also the clothes as expensive as it is, and gas prices um in general roll have caused the cast trees, groceries are everything is up. It's it's the most expensive ever. What.

I don't know how people are gonna make it. I really just do not know how they're going to make it. It's tough, it's really tough and financial times, you know, think about it, Like you said, about the grace of God, we're able to um be able to pay our bills and live comfortably to the point where we're not starving every day and we don't have to smash and grab.

But when you look at the times, and that's what I tell people, like, I'm glad you checked your privilege because a lot of people look at crime and they look at people who commit crime as just evil individuals, you know. And I remember a time when I was in the streets committing crime. It was out of a sense of desperation. And there's a lot of people who just don't have it I was walking to the meta my cars working. I was working early in the morning, take my kids at school, and a god was just

checking the medas for change. But just understand like he was just walking by, he was checking all the meters to see if somebody left changing. And it just gave me a reality like some people really just don't have it. There are a lot of people who are really in dire your needs, you know, especially after this pandemic. You know, a lot of people don't know how to manage money, didn't have money, lost their jobs and now that these streets is drying up and ain't no p PP. It

didn't know. Um, you you you're getting severance checks and pay and in back paid. It ain't none of that. People is back to things and people are getting strong on robbed. So when you look at this smashing grab, they followed people home, they've jumping in your car. They're trying to like it's serious. Now, did you see there was there's a video online now where um and I think it was in California, a guy to guys walked over to some people. You see the guy with the

gun in his hand. The restaurant, yes, and and and and the sap art about it is like I feel like, for me personally, one a lot of when I'm out, obviously, people are like, oh, how you doing or whatever. So I'm already prone to folks coming close to me. And I know that because they might want to take a picture, they might want to tell me what they think about

an issue or what they saw on Fox News. Sometimes I had white people walk up to me and say, you know, I appreciate what you do, but but and they give me all their reasons for why you know we're wrong. I have, you know, the people who support me, and you know, and and just people who are just like, oh, you know what I've seen you before? Is your name whatever? So they're already close to me. So I have started now. First I started off pulling my sleeve down over my jury, right.

I started with that. Then I started not wearing certain things at all, just because I'm out by myself sometimes, and I don't I really don't know. I didn't have that feeling before, even though I'm not saying crime has not always existed, because it certainly has, and people will get the drop on you or we know that. But I used to have a feel and and and and by the way, I don't feel like it's just black folks,

like I could deal with just black people. Right. I'm used to going in the hood seeing black people and they've and there's a sense of respect when you give respect, even to the grimiest person. Oftentimes, when you give a certain level of respect, they respond with a certain level of respect. And it's kind of like, get out of my area, like right, like, you know, don't be going hanging out in these people's neighborhoods flashing stuff and and thinking, no,

it's not cool. So hey, how you doing. Get the hell on? You went to the corner store to get you a little groceries or whatever you're doing, you could go harry up and move on. So we all we have that those boundaries and that mutual respect. But I have literally been out mice in the last weeks and there have been strange people of all backgrounds doing crazy things. White men running down the street half dressed, screaming. I

had a man jumped like in my face. I've seen people of people have lost it and it's it's some of it is financial, some of it is mental. But there's some serious problems and I don't know who's responsible for dealing with it. I guess it's supposed to be the government. But I just think we are in real, real bad times, real bad times. And I have not been willing to say that, but over these past few days, I realized that it's no way people can make it.

When milk is eight nine dollars, it's that's just outrageous, especially if you're trying to drink oat milk or something where you're not trying to just go by regular whole milk. Because on one hand, we are learning that we need to take better care of ourselves, but on the other hand, in order to live and to eat properly and drink on uh, what's the alkaline water? Being on an alkaline diet,

it does cost money. Some people will tell you it's not that expensive and make perhaps, but I know, I don't know about you, but when I go to Whole Foods, it's it's serious and Whole Foods and so it's serious, man. Like the times were just really bad. Man. I'm not even gonna lie to you. I was really just sitting here thinking about it. And you know, I frequent the hood.

You know, I'm still in tune with the hood. So I go through the hood every day and just listening to stories like everybody's trying to get the job, trying to figure this out. It coming to me like, yo, you got anything, I need this, I need that, And it's like really bad, like really really bad out there.

Yeah it is. So you know, I guess for it's that it means that it's incumbent upon us to figure out how we help our people, right because as other communities, there will be programs, services, and access to everything so that they can get themselves together. As you know, think that as they start to shake it out, if you will, there'll be more mental health support where they can walk up and get help. The drug addiction and all of

those things. Right, a lot of people got hooked on things they never even used before because during the pandemic, right they sat in the house or sat wherever and started to try to compensate for the pain of not being out, of losing a loved one, of the fear of COVID and all of these things. And so you know, it's incompetent upon us to figure out ways each one

of us, in our own way, do what we can. Right. So, for me, if I'm out in the street and and it's a safe situation, which is often times even when it's in and A and a person who is houseless or going through something ask me for money. Where I used to give two dollars or the change in my pocket, I now am giving twenty, right, I'm now I'm getting twenty. Yeah. I'm trying to people calling to me on the side and now you know, because I just want to be able to play my part. But it's it's just really

bad and you can't do it. But you can't do it to everyone's right, That's it. So you can't do it to everyone, right, which means we need a larger solution, especially to help deal with our young people. So I think that for me is my calling is what are we going to be doing and try to help these young people because something's wrong? Andrew said, right, So we're getting into this show today. Um, We've got an interesting panel of folks that are coming on. It's the Women

against My Song. Um, listen, in the holiday season are rough. It's tough for a lot of people pushing through the holidays. Um, you know, without their loved ones or people they want to be with, or without finding that special person. And I think as it comes to January every year, I say to myself that last January I said this was

gonna be the I'm gonna go on dates. I'm gonna do the thing and the thing, and I don't do it because you know, I have many reasons, and I'm sure that in this conversation it will still be that I won't be doing it for two thousand and twenty two. So and that's a shame that I'm starting off within the deficit. But I just already know I can feel the energy of this panel discussion. The bottom line is this to me, because just open your mind to the

reality of relationship and not the fantasy. And that's it. And that's exactly why I'm gonna be single, because the reality, see right, it's not something that I want to deal with. Look, we got we gotta we got a good panel. Let's bring them on to dating experts. You know, we got a dating expert rather than we got somebody who's been dating. And then we have someone who's very intriguing to me. We have someone who is invested, engaged in a polyamorous relationship.

You know, whatever, I've been polyamorous. I gotta get that right. That's when there's more than one, you know, dating, and this dynamic is I think it's a woman and she has a man who has another woman. So and she's gonna break that down to so I I think he's the man and she's a woman who has two men. Anyway,

we're gonna find out. We're gonna find out. Okay, we see I hope, because I don't know what we'll see see imbalance anyway, So everyone, so this this is basically my show because us we decided, UM, my son and I that for twenty twenty two, I'm really gonna figure out what's wrong with my life and why I cannot get married and find a husband to do all the things that I need to do, because it's just very difficult,

as I'm sure you all know. And so one of the things that we've been exploring in our conversations while we're all traveling. You know, there's four of us that travel together all the time, and um, each person has different situations. So but I'm the one that's always like the little baby that they have to try to nurture in terms of my little feelings and so, um, I've been exploring all types of things, and people have been telling me I should date online, which I probably will

never do. But I'm so glad that we got an opportunity to come together today to talk about this because there are many different ways to go about skinning one cat, as they say. And my son seems to be very excited about this show today because gets the chance to try to say everything that I think about relationships is wrong. So we have been enjoyed by three incredible guests UM and I want to introduce them all to you. We have we decided to do a panel because it takes

a lot of different perspectives to deal with UM this issue. First, we have Terrorist Stidham, who is a dating coach and the name of her company is She Dates Savvy. She date savvy, I need to date savvy, so this is absolutely important. She helps smart professional women to date online, so that's gonna be exciting. And then we have Tory Owens, who is the CEO of Canada lux Um, which obviously is a company that is engaged in the cannabis areas. We're gonna learn how do we date online and then

also get our bag. We'll talk about that. But she is also in a polyamoroust. I've been told to say it properly relationship, and there's a lot of questions that we have about that because that might maybe that's the way for me, you never know. And then there is my sister, my gossip posse sister, someone who I've known for a real long time, and street politicians. Um, we bring our friends on every week because we have so many friends doing so many incredible things. And so LaToya

Shambo is one of our friends. She's the CEO and founder of black Girl Digital. But she is also and for today's purposes, dating online. So let's get into this panel. My son, you can take it away because you don't know what you're talking about anyway, So I'm gonna don't. Well, I'm just I'm just really just interested. I mean, you know,

I've been hearing about this dating online. I know I have a couple of friends females, and they've been dating online and they come back to me with stories is not really working, And I'm confused how they thought it was gonna work. I couldn't even see those things happening. So first, I want to know what is the process that women go about dating on? How do you pick a guy like, how I'm so hused. I'm so traditional and conventional, an old school and you meet somebody or

there is a vibe that I wouldn't even understand. So what is the process that do you go about dating? All? Yeah, ter so my son. I, first of all, I still want people to do the traditional things. If you can get out there and meet people face to face, do it. But I started my company because, first of all, I was my first client. Okay, so we'll start there. I have a twenty plus year career in tv UM. If you know anything about production, it takes up a lot of your time and a lot of your life. And

so for me, it was out of convenience. It was not because I couldn't go into a room, make eye contact with a guy and say like, hey, what's going on? How are you? I wasn't afraid to do that. I just didn't have time. And so for a lot of people that's why they go on. Okay, now, the pandemic and we'll talk about that later. That changed the whole

dating game, right because people weren't going out. But it's as simple as going to a site, putting a picture up, creating a profile, meaning you answer the questions that they asked, and then engaging with people on the platform. The problem is most people go on the wrong site. They go on the wrong site. So it's like going to the grocery store looking for a pair of red bottoms. They don't sell those there. You're never going to get that.

So if I was to talk to your friends and they told me what sites they are aren't, I'd be like, yeah, that's why I didn't work out. That's the quick and easy of online day. So listen, I'm gonna ask what site you've been on the time. That's what I say, the right site. Listen, it's get out out here, no matter what the different I met my husband online. I have been on Tender, I have been on Bumble, I have been on Match. The only one I have not

been on is League. It was because I kind of was just like, alright, I break, I need a break. It's people lie people people. People lie everywhere. The people everywhere they if you met a guy at church, he very well may lie, right, very well may lie. And I think a lot of people whold online dating to this higher standard. And I don't understand why if Tom, we could fix you up with someone and he turned out to not be the right one. You still go

rock with her. She's still your girl. You're not gonna turn your back on her. But for whatever reason, people look at online dating and it's like, oh no, it's trash, it's gett oh, I know it can. The goal doesn't the pool doesn't change. That's the issue that I'm having. It's you. You see, you're kind of seeing the same, the same and the same. Like one guy every I'll delete the app and I'll come back and then he'll call me, I see you back on the appelock like

you're block for me. I have a I have a cause for me. Right, I'm just gonna be honest with you. Being a man my whole life and being around certain caliboris and right, and you know, being around certain calibers and men, different calibornis of men. I just think that men who go on line the data widows like this. For me, it's just in my mind, say my mind,

stay that I believe that ninety percent. It might be one percent that just you know, a board and they said, let me just see what's going on here, But I think that ninety percent of the men that go on these they at a widows. I just can't see no man saying I'm gonna just meet up with somebody. I'm gonna try to find somebody on line let me see, because I can't. I just can't see it. So that's what it is. Like. I have this notion in my mind that the dudes on his widows. I wouldn't say weird,

though I slightly agree with you. I wouldn't say weirdows. But I do feel like the men that date online. I like alpha men, and I feel like the men that date online are typically just not aggressive enough, you know, Like I prefer the traditional dating. The man comes up to me, he courts me, you know, and all. I love all of that interaction, and I like the aggressive, you know, the aggression. So I think I've never I don't think I've ever found an aggressive men or an

alpha mao that I've connected with online at all. Okay, well, nazis tory. Since you started talking, I'm so glad you. Conversation that means that you're polly. Relationship includes a man or two men or women, Like, what's the makeup here? The makeup for my dynamic is one man and two women. But me and the other woman. We are not romantically with each other. On second Oh okay, wait so he's got two women? Yes, yes, anyway, we approaching he did? Did he already have this just you know, start from

the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. My dynamics really crazy though, so I'm just trying to make it sure that's possible. First of all, he's my high school sweetheart. We've known each other style was spourteen years old, so he knows me in and out. And a lot of people think that, oh, he must have convinced you for this type of No, I was interested in this dynamic prior to me and

him get back together. We haven't been together in you know, years, and I was interested in this dynamic honestly when I wanted to start a family, and I my tape on it is sometimes he's really selfish to really require everything that you need from a partner from one person. You know, we we we're in this world now where it's like your partner has gotta be your best friend, you're a counselor, your dad, your mom, your friend, your you know, your teammate.

It's so many things and so much pressure that we put on own person, and it's like, well, what when do they have time to be their own individuals? Though? When do they have time to put themselves first and really be honest and truthful about their wants? And that's just really what had me interested in the whole lifestyle. I don't believe in putting all of my requirements that I need to be puffilled in just one person. And you don't do you think? You don't think that they

should put the same pressure on you as well? Um? Absolutely, Because I'm gonna tell you now, I sometimes I like to be left alone. And that's just that's what it is, you know, and my right? Is it right for me to deny my partner because you know what, Bay, today, I don't I don't want to be I don't want to talk. I don't want to I want to be left alone or I want to be you know, in my thoughts, or I want to go and do this,

but this is not something I like. I'm an arius, so I like adventure and you know, I like to jump off planes and stuff. He don't really necessary like that? Is it fair that I really got to force him to really do certain things that are kind of out of his character just because I want to do it. Yeah, he's gonna do it because he loves me, But is it fair? I don't wanna. I don't want to put pressures on my partner to make him feel like I have to do things where I'm obligated to do things

because I'm your partner. So how does that work? On the flip side though, Like, are you if you want to go and jump out the plane? Do you go and find someone to jump out the plane with you? And it is be okay with that because he has that, he has the other side being fulfilled, But are you having the other side be fulfilled? Before you answer that sor you don't know before wait before you answer that, right, Because That's what I'm trying to understand from the one.

First of all, to be clear, I am not against this concept, right, I'm not against it right at all. So what I'm trying to understand is how does it benefit you? Because what I'm hearing is you're saying, there's two women one man, and you're not, um sexually involved

romantically involved with this woman. So where is it who is going with you to jump off the plane when he's not gonna So um, when I met romantically, I did mean sexually, I should you know specified that um, as far as like with the other woman, there's a friendship, there's a bond, there's a there might be things that he doesn't particularly like to do what she does, or being able to just bomb with a woman just in general over certain things like I'm a mother and I'm

actually pregnant now, and you know, I like a woman just brings something different to a relationship. Like my best friend. Sometimes I feel like we're soul sisters. You know what

I'm saying is so and this particular dynamic. It's not that I look for a woman to be sexual with, but I do like the bond and the connection and sharing certain responsibilities and sometimes with me and him have a disagreement, you know, hearing a woman's perspective who's not biased, because let's be real, you can't call your mom, your sister, your friend. They're all going to be biased more more than likely because they love you. They're your family, they're

your friend. But you have that connection at other partner who's able to look at it and say, you know, maybe you could have handled this a little differently to me, or maybe you could have handled this a little bit differently, don you know, just it's just another another view. But I'm definitely getting fulfilled in all of those areas, whether we're sexually together or not. If we're being technical malbidos not as hard as his anyway, So pretty pretty even there.

And I think I think for me, right when I listened to these conversations, right, and I have conversations because I got a lot of female friends and they talk and they ask questions. And the thing for me is the conventional relationship isn't work like it when you when you look when you look at right now, when you look at the numbers of relationships, you look at the divorce rates when you look at it, and it's base on infidelity is one of the highest rates of everything,

is infidelity. Women have ideology that men are supposed to be with them and them and when, and it is not working. The idea is is really not working and and it's and it's not because it's anything that's wrong with the women or wrong with the man. Like I hear all these conversations or manages dogs. Maybe maybe we're looking at it from the point of view that doesn't make sense. Maybe monogamy is not something that's a natural thing.

I think there's something that we grow into. I think as men, right, we can move towards the space where that's a possibility. As we get older, and you know, as lions, we start to settle down the pasture and all these things. But the nature of a man is not to be monogamous. Like when a man decides to be monogamous, he sacrifices, and he comproment. He does he fights against his nat yourself to be with a woman because he cares for that woman. He does a lot

of things. And then when you make a mistake that goes slightly outside, you call the worst thing in the world. I have this conversation with my friends all the time. You have a man, and he's the best man for you, pays your bills, he takes you out, you hang out, you enjoy his company, does all these things. He cheats on you, he's a dog. You get rid of them. You have a friend, right that does less than that. You hang she called, you talked to him once in

a while, two times a week. She don't pay no bills, she don't do nothing. And you've been friends for fifty years and you say, this is the best friend I've ever had in my life. But the man is a dog because he cheated one time, pays every bill, did everything all the ship, and you'll throw that relationship completely to the trash. It's the best friend you'll be with for fifty and sixty years and they haven't provided, not even amortional of what the relationship that you have with

that man is. So if we think about it and my and my thing, what I see really is that people just rather be friends, like you, rather just have a friend because the standard of a relationship is almost impossible to completely fulfill. When you said natural, that was a real like keyword, right, And so like whenever I talk about polyamory with people, I like to kind of because it gets touchy, because you don't want to talk about spirituality and religion because it gets really sticky when

you talk about it on that level. So I always kind of like to just break it down to an animalistic level. And when you just think about numbers, right, just logically speaking, when a man ejaculates, he is just ejaculating a million life spurn life forms pur ejaculation. He can ejaculate multiple times a day, which essentially means he can impregnate multiple women a day until he stopped ejaculating women. We can only give birth to one child within a

twelve months calendar the year. And if we're looking at sex, it just sexis itself to be the reason for that or the purpose is to reproduce? Those numbers don't even logically match up. They don't match up. You know, how can we really read if a if a man was only supposed to be one woman for the rest of his life, we don't get periods until what thirteen years old? We stopped having him at forty Who wants to be

pregnant every year for the rest of their life. But if we're trying to populate, and we're trying to grow and really make this a huge community, how how are those numbers gonna match up? If he can only pregnant one woman for the rest of his life. Well, I want, I want to tear her to jump back in here, but you know, LaToya um, you actually have to jump

off um. And so you may have a perspective on this, I think I My opinion in response to what has been said both Tory and my son is that I don't disagree that some of these things may be true, but it's the lie. It's not the actual act of UM having sex with someone or choosing a certain lifestyle.

It's the lie. And it's also the fact that people and you know, so I appreciate your life tory, right, because it's straight up, it's honest, it's out there and I and I know that the response because I've been in this conversation not just with my son but many people, and they say, well, you know, because when we try

to tell y'all, you can't handle it. And what I say, as it was response to that is if you're gonna be a man one time of the day, you need to be a man all day long, no matter what that means, even if that means the person leaves you, even if it means that the person says, well, I'm not gonna deal with it whatever it is, you can't be selfish enough to say just because you couldn't handle it. My stand is, as a man dropped down to where I started lying about what it is that I'm doing,

that's my opinion. You gotta put it on the table and say this is who I am, period, and allowed the other individual to make a decision of whether or not they can live with it or not. And if not, you got to go find the people who are willing to fulfill that as whatever the standards are for your life. And that's what you know. The thing is, the reality situation is. And I'm gonna let you look. No, I

want you to say something to it. But this one thing is, mothers aren't teaching that to this suns right. Mothers are saying, this is how you're supposed to be to get you a woman. You're supposed to be a good husband. They watched their mothers get rid of their father for cheating. These are things that men have watched throughout history. They haven't seen the positivity of them being honest in this regard. They haven't seen any of these things.

When you come to a young boy that's seventeen, eighteen or nineteen and he started dating all these things and he wants to date another girl, and his mother like, yo, you need to be good to that girl. Don't be out there, don't be a cheaterd like your father, and all those things. That's not the mentality that a man gets. It's not it's not real men. It's not nobody sitting down with these young boys and saying, listen, brother, you

need to be very honest. You can date whoever you want if you want to do all these These are not conversations that they had with men. I've been a man my whole life. These are not conversations that I mean and have with young I've had these conversations with my young brothers. And the way that they move. They move in that manner, and they have a lot of problems with especially young women, because they say, oh, these they're disrespectful. They but they're very honest and what it

is that they want. They say, this is how I want to live my life. I'm dating, I'm seeing this one. And I hear a lot of times from women that like, your brothers are disrespectful, they don't care about women and all of these things. And there's a narrative being pain So a lot of people are not strong enough to deal with that narrative. A lot of men don't want to be seen as this individual. They don't want to

be talked about in the negative way. They don't have the strength to be, you know, seeing They want to be seen in the light as something that's positive. So until we start rechanging trading the narrative just like women sexuality. Right, But women decide they want to have sexual a lot of women and they say a lot of men or whatever they've seen as whores and all these things. So it's not that they don't want to do it. Like

you said, you, why are we being seen this? There has to be a change in narrative on both spectrums for us. Let go and then we can come back to that when we talk about changing the narrative. Conversations like this are start right because first of all, we don't normally see people who look like Tory who say this is their lifestyle. Right. When we hear about a polyamorous lifestyle, it's usually others, it is not us. So first of all, her standing up and saying, hey, this

is who I am. Here are my needs, my expectations, and what I am accepting of in my relationship. So this starts that. But to kind of go back to where you were talking about my son when we talked about friends versus how you treat a man, I think it boils down to expectations. I don't expect my girl to be monogamous with me if I'm gonna relay ship with the concept doesn't even make sense. I'm just saying, obviously when you walk I'm sorry. Didn't mean to cut you off when I said this to him, So I'm

glad that you were saying it. When I walk into a job that is at the Dollar Tree store, right, and I am a cashier, there's going to be a certain expectation. But if I go down the sacks fitth Avenue and get a job as a manager, there is a higher expectation from me. And so when you're in a relationship and this is your friend and y'all are not having sex or having any emotional connection, You're not going to have the same That's really true. Friends have

emotional connections. Because my friends told me in the middle tonight, and I'm gonna jump up the same way. I'm a call for my wife. But I'm just I know it's not the same thing to you. There's a grace that comes with friendships, and you took your point in relationships, now you don't always give. That's the problem. There's no way I acknowledge it is completely a problem. It is an issue because everyday monogamy is a choice. Every day I commit to being faithful to my husband, right he

commits to being faithful to me. So that's the biggest, the biggest thing that we have to acknowledge. So when we talk about the whole idea and construct of monogamy, is it right or is it if it works for you? If it works for you. But here's here's where I want to make sure. And this is kind of too to me at this point. Not everyone is going to keep in one hundred. They're not going to say, look, I am starting to give feelings for someone else, or

I'm only getting it's time to move. People don't communicate enough right, People don't communicate enough. I'm a girl who cuts bait when it's time to go right, and so in past relationships, I'm not I'm cheating for me. Wouldn't be a choice because guess what, I'm gonna leave before I have to get there. So I'm a communicator. I don't mind communicating with you and say, you know what, my son, we're good. But this is not what I need. I need more to feel fulfill. I need a different

type of person, whatever it is. And so I think it boils down to the communication aspect. But we cannot expect that we're gonna hold our friends to the same standard as we are the people that were sleeping with what I'm trying to tell you, it's for me, and that's what the problem is. I think relationships don't establish friendship, right. I think relationships. I think relationships have expectations that aren't

even realistic. If you're in a lifetime relationship with somebody, right, relationship is the only thing that you're supposed to do for the rest of your life, right, everything else changes. You decide, your outfit change. You gotta pass sneakers you like? You decide next in two weeks, you know, I'm getting another pis sneak. It doesn't mean that you don't like the piss sneakers you got, but you decided you seeing another pas sneakers you like. For the rest of your life.

You're supposed to be one person. That individual changes, The way that you communicate changes, the things you learn about yourself, the things you learn about life change. And you're supposed to be with this one person. And if this relationship doesn't evolve, and you aren't able to say, hey, this is this is age in me. Right, And a lot of times when you grow into this relationship and you

have these relationships. It's it's very hard to tell somebody that this has changed in you because you don't want to disappoint that individual. Nobody wants to disappoint somebody that they've obligated themselves to, that they've made brought into this life, So you don't want to disappoint them. So you caught in the quagmire. You're saying, you know what, how do I maintain this? How do I not maintain this? And we haven't been taught that we have from young man,

from young men, from young men. I'm giving you the answer, though, I'm gonna tell you right, young man, we were talked by older men. It's not what you do, it's how you do it. We weren't taught. They weren't having a conversation with us. They was like a man gonna be a man. Everyone. I have a husband who was taught by And when you've done with a woman, if that's

not what you want to move on like you. That's what I'm trying to tell you, the average everybody, it's not the average conversation with men, because I would I had to learn throughout history, throughout my own trials and tribulations. So now I am still that in my younger brothers and my son. I have real conversations with them. When I have conversations with young girls that come to me, I have real conversations about realism of life and what's

realistic expectations. I don't just say yo, because you're my cousin or you're my sister, that's gonna be this way and you should do with this. No, you're going to put up with something in relationship. You just gotta figure out who you're gonna do it with, how you want to deal with it. Things change every day, and it's not realistic for me. When you look at most relationships they have lasted, you know the sense of time, thirty

forty years. They went through periods of infidelity, They went through periods of breakup, They went through furious or information to where some of them didn't even like each other for years, They didn't even want to talk to each

other for years. They separated for years. There are periods of times as individuals we change, and to have an expectation that one person is going to completely satisfy you for the rest of your life, I don't know if it's realistic and unless that relationship evolves into something else unless you and that individual evolvement start to re make different dynamics of that relationship. I just don't know. It is absolutely a choice. Am I the same woman I

was seven years ago when I'm at my husband? No? Is he the same man? No? Do we choose daily to relearn one another to stay committed? Yes? Right? So I think it's based on who those people are. There are some people out there who are absolutely not ever going to get down with the concept of monogamy just because they don't have to. Right, we're talking about choice. They don't have to. Like can said, oh no, I choose to sleep with this person, with that person, to

be this person, not commit or whatever. But there are others who do choose to be So I don't I don't want to look at it like a right or wrong. I think there are When we think about the deeper reasons why people aren't monogamous, there's so much trauma, so much unhealed trauma walking around with individuals. Right, So when you talk about a man saying, oh, well, all I ever heard growing up was a man was going to be a man, it doesn't make it right that that

was all he heard right. So if he's never seen a positive relationship, yeah, all he may know is I'm gonna dip off with this woman, with this woman and with this one. So I think the conversation starts with that, what have we learned? Who are when we come into relationships? Like? Who are you? What is that person's history? I dated someone who didn't believe a marriage. My parents been married fifty plus years. That wasn't going to work for me because I saw a marriage. I saw a union that

lasted the test of time. And so when you tell me, oh, I don't believe in it because it's just a piece of paper and I know it, it it is so much more. You're not my person, right, So so, Tory are you? Are you married? No? I'm completely against signing the paper quite honestly. Um. I look at marriage UM a lot differently than that. I feel like I'm all for the union, and I feel like that union is between me, my

partner and God. I just personally don't UM. I don't feel I'm not a hundred percent behind involving a third party or another party just for financial gain into my union. And that's just my you know, thought process, And it could go back to what she said about trauma. You know, I've I've just seen some really nasty things, you know, happened with with marriage and divorces and money and and all of those things. And I'm just not for it,

you know. I I can't tell myself that I'm comfortable with like we talked about, like what my son talked about, what about us even of me, I may evolved in five years that to where now this relationship, this marriage, is this this union or whatever, it's not working the

way that it was. I don't think it's fair that a Caucasian middle aged man has the power to tell me half of everything that you have needs to go to this person, half of everything that you built, and and and in deciding and making those decisions for me about what happens with my life and my children. That's something that I would like to keep between me and my partner and you know, me and my union. So I'm definitely not for signing the paper per se, but

I am definitely for a union for sure. What state are you? And here's the thing I just want to play. I don't want to say devil advocate, but I'm just gonna play the other side of the point, what state are you in? I'm in Texas right now. Girl, listen, come and law state. How long I'm in Togethern Well, I actually just military three months ago. And like I said, we've been on and off for the past like fifteen years.

You're gonna live together and have me at the same house. Well, because I'm bringing down Yeah, that happened a I'm just saying because in the state of Texas, it doesn't even matter. He becomes your common law husband after a certain period. So I hear what you're saying. I'm not in any way trying to discount or discredit what you feel and believe. No, I feel you're not at all. But yeah, like in some states, it doesn't even matter if you legally go down to the court and get a piece of paper

and stand before a judge or whatever. And that's the problem. That's that that that no one should be able to make should have that power. Do you get what I'm saying? No one should have that power. And me and my relationship at all, I don't think it's right. I don't think it's fair at all. And anything that I do

in my home, it's my business. You know what I mean, it's it's my business and it and it shouldn't It shouldn't mean oh, because you know, in order to get a pool, and I feel like it's just all about money and it's you know, it shouldn't be. You can only get approved for this loan if you and your husband, you know, make this certain amount of money, and it has to be. But like all of those things that come along with it, it's just to me, it's just another way that they get to have their hands into

my business. And I'm just not for it at all, Like is what we're saying here. All that I think what I'm hearing is that just like the digital space now right like with technology, people are dating online a

lot of what we're used to. And I agree, I'm not gonna say that I think that people online are weirdos, but I understand sort of like the concept that I feel like I don't know what I'm meeting right at all on the internet, and most of the men that I know don't they're not really online like that anyway, especially not to go onto a dating app. But I also understand that just like jobs have moved to the internet, just like you know, school online school that sort of

we've developed in society. So I guess when when I'm listening to what my son is saying, I'm listening to you, Tori, I feel like, is what I'm hearing that m relationships that are what we knew about the relationships is now changing because the times are changing and ideals are changing. Absolutely if we wanted, like let's be let's be kind of technical, like you know, realistic about some things and like a lot of people like to compare themselves to

our grandparents and our great grant parents. My grandmother, she was the most angel angel on earth, Okay when she was alive, only being with one man, which was my grandfather her entire life. Never cheated on him, never did anything of course he did, and she took care of at home. She did everything by the book a woman was supposed to do. Even though it didn't still it still didn't stop my grandfather from going now doing what he was doing, having another kid or whatever the case.

Maybe she did her part. The thing about it is when we're talking about seventy eighty years ago when the cost of living was a a fraction of what it is, and I'm living in a two bedroom apartment, right now, that's over fifteen hundred dollars a month. That was not the case eighty years ago. Unfortunately, it's a little bit more.

It's like when the cost of living kept going up, um expectations kept going up, but they still was trying to you know, spoon feed are black men or are men period or how to get those same opportunities, like, Okay, what the cost of living is going up, I need more money, I need more income. We but man is still not making an average the amount, you know, the same amount of money as are our other parts. They're

just not. So we're looking at eighty years ago when a man was able to financially take care of a household, a household by himself without his woman working, it was a lot easier than was compared to now two thousand and twenty one. Unfortunately, the way that life is now, you do kind of need more than one, you know, income in the household majority of the time. And if I'm a woman and I gotta I'm not saying I'm in there and I gotta pay ranting all other bills.

Of course he's still gonna do all that, but there still needs to be some type of financial you know, you input from the woman period in two thousand and twenty one. Now, I don't want to do that and be the only person cooking and be the only person cleaning and being the only ones having care of kids, watching the clothes. Women these days are straights. They are stressed out, they are mentally unstable, and that's just what it is. I listened to a lot of women these days,

and they are depressed. They feel like they are not meeting their mark because they're not their grandmother's. They're not doing they're not meeting the market. They're great and grandrdmothers. We're making it. So they feel like they're not a woman, you know what I'm saying. They feel like they're less than and it's like, I don't want all that pressure. I don't want all that pressure for that if I know that I like to work, actually, I like to

contribute and do these certain things. So I shouldn't be looked at as less of a woman because I want to share some of those responsibilities across the board. You know,

I agree. I just think for me, just when I when I think about relationships, right, I have a lot of conversations with people about that is especially a lot of elders and the narrative that that's being painted that everything when you look at relationships and they said, I've been together fifty years and this whole narrative that everything was good and nobody had it's not realistic. Like a lot of them been together and got two and three

kids with other people. They there's been so much stuff that's that's been taken out of the fifty years that we just look at that and say it can be done, and it's not being it's not being told in the proper perspective, right, And and a lot of like she said, there was a there was a different mentality before, Like there was mentality women were saying, I'm not my husband and my husband be here, he's gonna do this. Like

when I used to have conversation with my grandfather. To be honest, I've never seen a man cheat like I've never I've never seen my father cheat on my mother. That was never a thing my mother to this day to tell you that she she never saw my father cheat. Right, I never seen my grandfather cheat on my grandmother. But my me and my grandfather would have conversations and he would be like a man gonna be a man. You

just gotta do. When my grandfather came home every night, he paid all the bills, He took him my grandmother whatever she needs. And when he what he did on his weekends when he was out all day, I don't know what he did. He would take me to work with him sometimes when he was hanging up with My grandmother didn't call him, and that we didn't have cell phones back then. She wasn't involved. It wasn't nothing. He came home on his weekends. That was his time. He

was nine to five. He came home, and his weekends he hung up with his friends or whatever he did came She said, A man gonna be a man as long as he This is my grandmother told me as a woman. And they were together for over thirty plus years before they both passed away, like six months after each other. And they and they and they and they

carried on so and and and and throughout history. The relationships that I know, that's what's happened is not this quote unquote we live happily of after I say all the time, women want the title of a wife, women want the title of a relationship, but they don't want the reality of it the reality that comes with you being with a certain caliber man. You're being with a man, you don't want to deal with the ups and downs of it. You just want the grass is green park.

And it's not realistic. And when you have comes with men, which I do all the time, they're either gonna they're lying to women trying to make them believe certain things because they don't want them to know certain things, or they're telling the truth that you know. It's not it's not realistic. So I'm just trying to figure out where do we get to a space where men are able to sit down and we can really talk about what relationships that are going to be fruit food that are

gonna be both everybody's gonna agree upon. Everybody's gonna come to a space of understanding each other, the nature of a man, nature of women, and things that we require, things that we require, and we're gonna do it right without every conversation as men of dogs, Oh he cheated up. Every day you we find out our best rate, We find out the best relationships that we thought was the best relationship in the world. We come on TV and

we follow out, Oh he was cheating on them. Oh this one was cheating on and we keep hearing this the same narrative over and over and over. So when do we gonna say, Okay, these are just not bad men we talk about in history like I don't. I am not a woman, even though I work with women and help them date in a very different space, I don't believe that. I don't believe that all men are cheaters.

I don't believe that men are dogs. I have never said that, and I'm not saying that you said that, but I'm just you know, there are women out there who do not believe that. Okay. Secondly to your point about when are we going to have these conversations and and when can a man just be honest? It's about communicating from the jump, because if you are to look at your friends and you say, okay, so you met girl a maybe he met her at a bar. Right, we'll take online dating out of it. He met her

at a bar. She's cute, she's nice, she's lovely. He is going to because he wants something from her. He's going to tell her everything she wants to hear right when he knows, sincerely and in his heart, he's not really trying to be in a relationship. He's not trying to settle down, he's not in a place where he's even ready for a relationship. But because he wants what he wants, he's gonna spend game and give her whatever she wants to hear. So it starts there, why can't

he communicate it? Look, I'm not in a place to actually give you a relationship. I think you're fine, I think you're hot. Um, if you're down with it, because surprisingly there are women who be like, oh, I'm down with it. I'm that's cool. Thank you for honoring my feelings enough to tell me what it is and what it want versus him lying is literally you ain't gotta lie, cred Like it boils down to that, like you don't

have to lie. You'll be so surprised at how many women out there are able to handle those kind of conversations because at least you gave me a choice. Cheating removes my choices. That you cheating, that you remove my choices. So I just want you to know that there are women who think very progressively when it comes to relationships in dating, Like it's not the that's that's so young, Like all men are ing no They're not all men are dogs. Know, if you look statistically, women probably cheat

more than men. Agree, right, we we we cheat, We just do it differently. We don't get caught. We don't go blasting and talking to our home girls at the beauty shop about oh I was cheating with it. No, it's it's just a different kind of way. It's a different way that it's done. I think there are a lot of things that unfortunately, uh, we all, um, we have ideals that are just not true, right about what women think or what men are going to do and

what they're not going to do. And I always say, um to my son, we should stop saying women don't like this that, or men are gonna do because it's not true that all of anything exactly. It's that there are some women who can't handle true. There are some men who lie rather than telling the truth. And yeah, I think you made one point, um mi, set I think is true that women will say he's a dog or whatever because they see how you know, a young man is sleeping with this one or that one and

has lots of relationships. But I submit in this conversation that it's not actually the problem. The problem isn't that the man is has multiple women. Excuse me for not you know, oftentimes, like when I'm trying to think through what I'm saying, I want to make sure that it's it's being stated properly, So excuse my all over the place.

I don't think it's that. I think if you talk to those women and you listen to the backstories of the things that these younger men who are who my son may be talking to, and other men are counseling them about a different way to do it, they're doing a bunch of other bullshit, right, There's a bunch of lies and and and and and and and just um, you know, just just nasty things that the men are also doing that's mixed up in this whole idea that I'm not trying to just be with one woman woman.

And I think if we're honest about it, and you peel back the layers of their behavior, the immaturity, the the you know, the all the things that go along with it, um, you will find that the problem is not the multiple women. It's the it's the way in which people are actually going about living and operating in their truth and in their because that's how to do it is it's raggedy. Raggedy's raggedy way they speak to women, the way that they you know, just certain things that

they're doing it it hurts people's feelings. So the issue is not so much that we need to be open enough where we can see other people. The problem comes down to how you go about operating in that space. And I think that's what I think now. I don't know all of the details of the relations or the people that my son knows, or that your relationship tory

or whatever. I can't speak to it because I don't know, but I would amact just based upon my knowledge of guys who you have multiple women that what often happens is the benefits of what they can get from a woman from lying about whether they are in a monogamous relationship mean more to their narcissism than for them to be able to sit down and say, because I am now telling you that I am seeing other people, you may not be available all the time. You may not

financially help or support or do things. You may not be working as hard for me. You may be you know things are going to change, and because many people want to maintain the benefits of the relationship. They will lie so that they don't lose anything because they are unable to commit fully on the other side, and that I think for for most women, like for me, that

would be a problem for me. If we're gonna be honest about it, be a hundred percent honest, and then understand that I now can make choices that don't necessarily benefit you as much as they did in the exactly exactly there's two things that you said that I think are so important for that people should take away, and

I totally agree with it. It's you know, on this side of the spectrum, its like you just said, you have the man has to be completely honest because it's about giving and taking away that choice from that woman, right. And then on the step on the flip side about it, you know, some women having that thought process of men are dogs. Like you said, it's not about the multiple women, it's like it's the other stuff that come along with it.

Is exactly what you said. My grandmother used to always tell me this, when when a woman is happy, when you're fulfilling everything, you know, automother Nixon, she's really not interested in caring about going through your phone. Of course, it wasn't a phone that being, But you get I'm translating into now times. We're not going through your phone, I'm not checking your emails and doing all that. I

don't have a time. I'm too busy and happy in mala land that I really don't have a time or interest even want to look for something that could mess up my happy You get what I'm saying. But when you're a man and you ain't yeah, yeah, your woman ain't even happy because you ain't doing a B and C. Now she got more time on her hands and she's looking at Okay, well you ain't even doing a B and C. So how dare you even have the audacity to want to have a relationship or do anything with

another woman that that makes no sense to me? Make sure I'm good over here, and I don't, And then I don't care what you know. I'm i I'm my questioning that I don't care. I'm happy over year, bills just paid, children are happy, you know, the home is being fulful, everything's good. So that that both of those things that you said, I think are two important things are why relationships are going the way that they are right now. This conversation made me feel like I'm gonna

continue to be single. I think, I know all. I want to go on record and say, are there some weird people out there in the dating space, yes, or some of online? Absolutely? Are there nice, normal, good people out there looking for relationships who maybe are not going out to the clubs, not going to the social events, don't have time. Maybe they're building their business. So for them it makes sense because I can go grocery shopping

for a mate on my phone. Yes, yes, yes, yes, So I don't want you to just throw the whole dating concept away, especially not the online because I know this conversation has gone super duper deep. But there are I listen, I've coached ladies who have gotten married two men that they've met online. I have two cousins that they online and they well, one of them is happy, the other one, you know, it's questionable, but so we

have Yeah. So that's the thing. It's like, just no, and I mean, if we can get down to the like mirror, you might meet what you actually are out there in those dating streets, whether it's online or whatever. Um, but just just not to give it the negative convertation of like, oh, everybody who goes online is a weirdo. I'm not a weirdo. My husband wasn't a weirdough. There are interesting people out there, but there are also good people who use it as a method to meet people

that they would not ordinarily have interacted with. So that's my two cents on that. I just I just wanted to um say something. You said something right about You know, a lot of men get about men. Some men get into relationships or meet women and they know they don't want to be in this relationship, but they want to tell them all these things, and that's a process that that is. Those things happen. But they are also men

who get in relationships and actually want something right. They actually think that they want to be with this thing, and as time goes on, it doesn't work right, It doesn't work what they thought was gonna work with you. It just just doesn't work for them. And then they come to the process and they mind. They said them, how do I say this? How do I transfer this? How do I don't want to hurt with this person? Because I thought this and that and these those things

happen as well a lot of women. Women, A lot of women think that men get into relationships with the objective. I'm just trying to get over on you and I'm trying to just be No. That doesn't always happen. I know a lot of different situations with men I'm friends. I know they were dating some chickens, like yo, I like this chick next thing, you know, the chickens. All you know a a day she called him a thousand towns is the fight this and that turns into okay, damn.

I thought it was good and and then it changes. Think that nic asking that they communicate the change. I completely acknowledge what you're saying about feelings change. People change. Right, You're getting something and it might be more than what you thought it was or what you could actually handle

at that time. The problem comes in when they don't communicate, when they say hey, when you say that, right, and it's very it's a lot easier said than done, Queen, because I've had hard conversations and so I have of my daughter's father. Okay, I have left before your relationship. So I've had hard conversations when a relationship didn't serve me. So I hear what you're saying. We say it's easier said than done. But because I've had to have those conversations.

I still say it's worth it, because what do I look like eighteen years later, staying with my ex just because oh we have a kid, and oh no I had to choose me. I was just trying to say she was this, that she was in me for. I don't care if the conversation everything not hard. Sometimes they do. You know, some people think I'm a bit I don't know if the worry. Maybe it's abrasive or something, or lack some some money that said I lack empathy. I don't think it's that. But it's like you said, I'm

gonna choose me. Used to women choosing themselves right there. Used to us being the nurturers and we're gonna take care everybody. I choose me every single everything, every single But if you're not as crazy, it took a toxic as relates. Sorry, I don't know if even curse. It took a toxic relationship for me to get to this

unapologetic version of me. You know, it took the oh, I'm gonna be like my grandmother for so many years, so I'm just gonna lay down and whatever men do, whatevery, you know, I'm just gonna take it, and I'm just supposed to still look happy and smile. And then it took. It took my daughter's father, which was the worst relationship I've ever had in my life. It always refers to that relationship as like the whole metamorphosis, metamorphosis process of

a caterpillar to a butterfly. I don't know if you God is familiar, if you're listening, you're not. When a caterpillar goes into the cocoon, it literally liquefies itself and consumes itself, and then when it you know, that's when it rebuilds itself to a completely new insect, which is a motterfly. And that is literally what happened to me from that relationship and ever since then, that's when I really was like, Okay, I think polyamory is for me.

I'm gonna do I'm gonna do life the way I want, and I'm going to require the things I require, and I'm gonna always pick me before you know. Of course, not for your kids or something like that, but you know, I'm just gonna always kick me in. I don't think I can change that. What do you think do you think that men have the same grace. You think when men make that decision that they are looked upon the

same as when women make that decision. No, they're definitely I think I think in relationships, right, most of the time, when when men leave a relationship or step outside or the side, men are demonized for that. Like you know what I'm going, I'm not I'm not dealing with that boom. I don't give I don't care about none of that. I'm just going, I'm choosing me. I don't think period compared to women. If I'm being technical, it's just the truth. I don't think men get as much grace as women

at all across the board. That's just my just the answer. I think the answer um because I agree. I think men do get demonized for choosing them, right, I definitely agree with that. But I also believe that time heals all whom you know. I believe that over time, the more consistent you are as a friend, as a father, as a whatever, whatever, you know, whatever the role is, that over time people will begin to come around everybody

in the family too. And of course if you just if you are dealing with a bitter situation, you just it is what it is, but if not, people will begin to come around to the idea that you know what, now we are a new thing, new unit or new in a new space. And perhaps and I think, you know, I don't know myself. I don't want to speak you, but I would assume that you're saying that if there's a man, a friend, or somebody who noticed as well,

I want to be in a polly relationship. It's not that easy for a man to start that conversation because once you do, then it's like, oh, see, all men you know just want to cheat. I just want what is this? So I can see how it's not the easiest thing to do. But I believe at least it's become it's become more apparent to me over time that regardless of what everybody else may feel, the more honest

we are, the better the results of it later. So it's even you're gonna get the ship at the beginning or at the end, and then I love that you know what I'm saying, and I would prefer I like that. I would prefer the ship of working through it in the beginning, getting on the same page about what it is, so that you can have sort of like a smoother smoother because life is life. There's gonna be us and downs,

but a smoother transition towards the end. And I do think that I think my son is a percent right the ways in which we have been taught. We live in a patriarchal society, that we have been taught certain things that are not good for any of us. And patriarchy does not mean just men. It means that women and men have ideals and and and operate within a certain particular, particular mindset that really, for us as black people,

wasn't even established by us. It was established by white folks and the ways in which they see the world. And we have operated in that and have perpetuated the patriarchy against one another and in our internal relationships. So perhaps anogamy is um is not natural if you will. I don't think it's not just natural for men. I think it may not be not not natural for humans

in general. But the end result for me comes down and the reason why I am very concerned about the idea of even saying, oh, I'm in a relationship and a marriage and all of that is because the the lack of honesty that we all have the nature, the natural instinct to lie, wanted to to try to um uh, to try to get around dealing with with whatever facing whatever our truth is head on. It's too it's dangerous.

It scarves me on the down low with men who are unwilling to say I am who I am and I think you know and as i'm I'm thinking about and it's coming to me. This is also a problem in that area because the same rules apply that people who are gay or feel like they may be trans or whatever are unable to communicate the truth because once they say who they are to the world, they become demonized, They become look that funny they be called. They called names that they you know, if it's not they're not.

They don't feel comfortable. So therefore they lie their way through some of them and it ends up harming people and tearing down families. So for me, I just I just want the part for me in my life. I just want to try to figure out how do we start to make it more normal for people to tell their truth. I agree, I think it's fact for conversations like these, and we're holding your judgment because nobody tories happy. It's the people outside who have something to say about

tories lifestyle. Right, So we're telling our judgment because it's like the old school. If you like it, I love it. If that works for you, I'm rooting for you. Send me an invitation to the baby show. We're like, because it's your life. It's not my place to put myself in there. I'm a rock with how I'm looking over here. But you do you And I don't think that a lot of people take that mindset. There's so much like, oh, what Tomika doing, what's her situation over there? What my sons?

You're in everybody else's business? Exactly? Thank you social media. The reality of it is that people base their life based on other people's opinions. Right, Yeah, So it's it's it's hard. It's not just okay, that was that was you got one. That's because more often than not, right, there are man, they are women that are living in polyamious relationships that they know it is and they're operating

in that same space already. Right, But the fact that you want to touch the nerve with that you might and the fact that they acknowledge it and one of their girlfriends who might say, oh you stupid girl, and that's the same girl that's telling you that her man is how he's sucking everybody, and she know it. And she ain't trying to mean that's not Polly, is it. But what I'm saying, I understand it's not. It's not it's not under the same guys as Polly, but the

reality of situation he is. She is a hundred cent aware that her husband is having extra marital relationships outside of their home, and she's comfortable with that. Will come to you and tell you that you stupid if you deal with a polyamorous or your husband or my man would never be able to say that. But you know that he got five or six chicks that he see from here and then he come home to you and

it's the end. They of no benefit to you. None of these chicks off in any bad So it's just what I'm trying to say, These things been happening, Like I see that I forgot. It's this lady that's on lie and she's I think she's like older. I don't know where she comes from, but it's a black lady. And she was talking about it, and she was talking about relations sheps like these things been happening it ain't for me to tell a black man not to do

it or not. I'm just telling you that they happened, and then whether you deal with it or not is on you. I'm just telling you exactly what's going on. And I think that's the space with it is for me.

It's like, I know I'd be having conversations with dudes and I'll be watching dudes and it's I'm not saying nothing, but I watch I've watched dudes vives that I know it was out here cheating, talking about how my man would never be able to do this to me, and I swear I don't know what you'll be dealing and I'll just be sitting into myself, like this is not

even a realistic conversation. You don't even under you don't even know who you sleep with every night, you don't and and but you you passing judgment on somebody else, and it's just not realistic. I think that's another thing we also have to start doing too. It is like, how do we get to a point where because we we now are losing babies because they can't handle someone else talking about them or saying something negative about them.

And you know, we got kids, committing suicide and all these things, and it's like, how do we get to get to the point where, like she just mentioned, and I am. I was asked before I came out here, are you comfortable talking to about I don't care. Yes, I don't care where I'm at. I already know there's judgment and already know people are gonna say, but you know like that to say, I'm I'm happy with who

I am in my lifestyle. And there's nothing that nobody can say, you know, to me personally to make me feel any differently. But like, how do we how do we get to that point though, to where everybody is like that or more of us are like that? Because I wasn't even like this until that toxic relationship, until I was done and just through my flag up of living my life exactly how everybody told me I was

supposed to live, exactly by the book. I wasn't happy until I decided to just get rid of all that and say, you know what I'm gonna I'm gonna have my walk with God. I'm going to I'm going to live my life the way that I want to live in and be happy, and nothing that nobody can say can affect me. How do we get how do we migrate to that more? Though, I think that's one of the bigger problems we do two and three. But I

want to say one thing. When I look at the scrutiny that Will and Jay to get right from whatever the dynamics is of their relationship, Yeah, it's so weird to me that you look at the level of success that they've had together, the way that they communicate, the way they've raised their kids, the select the way that they've been able to move and to understanding that they've had, and people outside who haven't been able to accomplish half one third of what they have consit there in past

judgment on something that they're doing, like Will said, one of the real est thing, he said, we're having an experiment on relationship that have his person needs to have, but they don't even know how to get there. This is an experience, this is a reality of it won't look it won't look right to everybody else. We're trying to We really just trying to figure They're figuring it out as they grow, as I grow into an individual, He's going to his wife and say, hey, Babe, this

is who I'm becoming. And as she grows into individuals, she's coming to her husband and say, you know what this And they're trying to find the device and that by still loving and supporting each other and raising their kids like it's a dynamic that's not been seen and it's and because we've been taught that it's not natural, it's not right, that there's something wrong with it. And for me, it's just like I don't want I don't want to live my life based on somebody else's perception

of how I should live. But you know, Jada, Jada and Will are friends, and I talked to Jada often. I would say, to your earlier point, it doesn't just I'm sure right and I know, okay for me to say, it hasn't always just been you come and communicate to me and I come. And they have gone through some situations and circumstances where to come out of it, they had to be honest about where they are and figure out what does the relationship look like going forward, because

it's no longer this. It now has evolved into this other thing in this other space. And again I think I just don't know that people have practiced honesty enough to be able to accomplish that. I think that the fear of what the other person might say or do gets in the way of folks being able to just say, listen, you know what I decided. You know that I don't want I'm not in the space for just being in

a relationship in this moment with one person. But here's the problem that I know, or at least that I feel. It's when a woman, when a man says that the idea that he may have to deal with a woman who returns that, okay, and I also may sleep with outside people becomes an oh no, kard, Oh I can't it might be a right anything. It's hard to tell us yeah, Tori, and and the wait, wait, LaToya hasn't been in the conversation, so she's going yeah, yeah, yeah,

so maybe she's got an opinion on this. You know, it's the honest it's the lack of honesty and transparency. For me, I do feel like a lot of relationships fail because people don't feel like they can be honest with their desires. Right, So if you're not honest with you know what, I like my nipple to be rubbed ten times a day, then you're gonna feel like, you

know what, I need to go outside and get that fulfilled. Right, So when you approach your a new person, you have to just it doesn't matter if I'm gonna hurt, You'm gonna hurt you. Either you're gonna take it, You're gonna work for me, or it's not gonna work at all. But give me the opportunity. Tell me what it is that you like and dislike, so I can tell you this ain't gonna work. I'm not here for that, and

then we movement, going on separate ways. But also I think that people should have the flexibility to change their minds. I think that as you grow older, you you change, or you evolved, and maybe you didn't like your nipples to be rubbed ten years ago, but you know what today, that's this is what I want. Can you deliver? Yes or no? And if you cannot, are you okay? I love you, I love you, I love our foundation, I

love what we have. But if you're not, if you're if you can't fulfill this area, are you okay with me going out and getting it fulfilled? Because that is what I desire. That's what's gonna make me happy. And that's that's it, and what it is for me is like and when I'm when I'm thinking about this, right, there are a lot of women right that say they'd be in their relationships and they're skinned to tell their partners of about things they want sexual right. For a man,

that is the same way. And I want to give you the comparison, right, the comparison is the same way a man is scared to tell his woman that he might want to be with another woman. Right, And and y'all say, just be honest, you know, why don't you just be honest to say this the same reason that women are in relationships that are not sexually satisfied and not telling a man that you're not doing this right and I want this done this way, and they go

through years and years of doing that. It's the same, it's the same mental it's the same mentality. So when you say, why don't you just say, yo, I want to do this and that won't you just be honest you a man, Well, won't you tell that man that he ain't hit in the spot that you want to done this way and want and you want it done

that way? Why you don't have that same energy that you have for us to be honest on that side and all the time saying yo, we just don't know how to say it, We don't want to say it. We just feel embarrassed the same way we feel when we want to come to you and say, yo, you know what, we might want to change the dynamics to this relationship. Just I think you have to say it

like it's this is what I like. Just this is what I like, This is what I this is what I want to try, this is this would make me happy, and maybe it would soften the approach versus you're not doing a good job. Yeah, you're you're not hitting the spot like you're just you're gonna bruise an ego, you're gonna hurt a feeling. You're not here to hurt anyone's feelings.

You're here to satisfy your desires. You're here to find someone that can compliment the things that you like, that you want that is also here to make you happy. So your conversational approach should be based on this is what I desire. Can you fulfill that? Yes? Or no? Yeah? It's that is that's the that's the way we're going in to say we gotta have a part to it is. We're supposed to end this like thirty minutes ago, but

we was. It was such a good conversation. I'm glad that you came back up, Latoria to give that because that that right there has summed it up so well. For me, it's evolution and understanding that everyone is going to grow and change and want different things and relationships. And for me, I tell people all the time that relationships are the only thing that people want you to

do for the rest of your life. There is nothing else that you're supposed to do for the rest of your life with want nothing else, nothing else in the world. So there has to be a level of grace that's like nothing else, you know, it has to be a reality. So I want to thank you, you woman for coming on your beautiful melanated queens with different perspectives and ideologies, but you're all beautiful in your own rank. And I love the confidence that you all exude. You know, it's

beautiful for me. So you know, I appreciate this dialogue and being able to get, you know, get my little point of views and y'all shut me here down, here and there. But I appreciate it definitely appreciate. Thank you, Thanks everyone, right, it was nice seeing y'all. Thank you so much. Ladies little we have to have you back because you didn't get to be with us. I had so many things to tell about. Asked me about my my panty colors last night. I'm just like, listen, we're

doing a party. We gotta get into absolutely maybe it'll actually be next week and we need to throw a guy in two and say this, Ubjay need to stop my partner in. He got a lot of stay, let's do it. Let's do it. Thank you all so much. All right, bye, bye y'all, bye everybody. So we have to do part one to three, four and six of this show. The conversation, Man, it's dialogue that needs to be had. It's actually, you know, thought processes that it

happened every day, is reality that's happening every day. And people don't want to have these conversations because it's kind of like taboo, you know, to talk about it. Yeah, it's taboo, and I get it, But I think that it's not as taboo as people make it. I really don't. I think we were living in a time where it could be much more. It could be much easier than people are ready for. I think men are actually not

as prepared as you all think. Some men, excuse me, are not as prepared as you all think for how more progressive women are. I think we just at this point in our lives, we just don't want to be lied to. We um we want to have equal rights, if you will, and we also want to be respected

all around right in other ways. That and I think there's so much emphasis put on people having sex with other people that it gets in the way of being able to have just you know, conversations and and and deal with like like working through problems in a relationship that might not just be about infidelity. That's my opinion. I don't get it. I just don't you know what I don't get. And I was just in there thinking, I don't get why relationship communications are so hard, Like

it's really it's what they are. Like you just said, we you know, men are don't realize how progressive women are. But when you have these conversations, because I have conversations with women all the time that seemed to be progressive and talk and they they the pushback from you saying a sense of reality is so it's so, and I'm a confident man. You have conversations with me. Yeah, No, but that's not that is not accurate when they tell you about the realities and men. No, it's not about

the realities of relationships. Well, okay, let me zoom out. The zoom out is that you may be a hundred percent right that we all were triggered by certain things, right, because the reality is that we all have been taught things that stick with us. Right. So, so we've been taught that a man that's out there um sleeping with or you know, having certain types of relationships with other women is threatening and whatever we've you know, we've we've

all been taught certain things. You know, a man don't have no respect for you if he's doing X, Y Z thing. But I think that in in most conversations and situations that I have either been a part of when we all have been debating, and or conversations that I have with other people that run much deeper and different, Right, it's the lie. It's the lie. It's when I'm talking

to women oftentimes, because let me tell you something. The thing I've realized is that the men who have been honest, it might be again difficult, it might be a struggle to get through whatever, but after a while, everybody even falls in place. Everybody falls in place. I think I think that's I think that's a process. Right. It's like this, It's like going through prison ten years right before before you go to prison, right and you're like, yo, I think you don't want to go to jail. Nobody wants

to go to jail. But right when you when you live a certain life and you do certain ships and jail comes, you know you gotta deal with it, right, you know, fucking I gotta deal. And after you get through the prison sense, you're like, you know what, it was tough. I did my thing. I've learned from it. It made me into a better person, and you come

out with a different sense of understanding. I think that's the same thing when it comes to relationships and threshing in regard to men being honest about certain ships with women, right, because what happens is you meet women under certain pretense, right, a certain pretense, and then even when you meet women under certain pretense, you can meet a woman and say, yo, you know, I'm just we're just dating. I ain't really trying to do not serious, and the woman changed the

dynamic of that. Well, okay, we're cool here, let's hang out, and after two or three months we're good. We're having a good touch of you know what, I'm trying to be serious. I'm looking for a husband. Now, now you like the woman, you like day and now you like all the ship they come with it. So now you forced into giving her either saying I need all right, I'm looking I'm trying. I want to try this. Then once you say that and you don't do it, you're a liar. So you're like, so this is what I'm

trying to tell you. So you you so, But what I understand what you're saying? Right, But man, men know it's like a quagmire. It's like the person that that works at a job and they said, yo, you either got you gotta get the vaccine or you don't, or you gotta lose your job. I don't want to lose my job, right, I don't want to, But I don't really want to get the vaccine either. Right, So you're

trying to move all around. You got niggas line and said you got Brett from saying I mean um a ra saying yeah, I had the vaccine because he didn't want to be received a certain way, but even want to get the vaccine, and he wanted to keep his job and he wanted to keep faith with everybody else. Right, There's it's not as easy as everybody makes it seem. It's like over funking. You don't want to get the vaccine, you just lose the job. You can work somewhere else. No,

and I get it. And you're like, I didn't do all this stuff to get this job. I didn't even with the school for four eight years. I did all this ship and I got this job. And now the requirement is now you gotta get a vaccine. Right, we don't like we've been dating. We did all this ship and then you're like, you know what, either we're gonna get married or I'm gonna I'm gonna move on, or either you're gonna be with this and that it's it's

it's not as simple as you may. I know that it may not be, but I think that if we want to solve for X, which is the divorce rates and the destruction of the black community, then we've got to start somewhere. And at the end of the day. We can't. We cannot have relationships that are rooted in people trying being dishonest in order to keep it going

as it can. Ask your question, do you think it's dishonest right that if you you meet a man, you know that you ultimately want to get married, right, but you don't tell a man that. They tell you, look, I ain't really trying to get married, none of that ship. I've just did it. And you're like, all right, cool, we just did it. And in six or eight months down the line, don't date that you're having the best relationship if you know the Lord of men and you do.

You already said you wasn't he was cool whatever he was, and then you, after eight months you decided to say, you know what, I think I want to be married. If you don't want to get married, it's cool, it's cool. That's not being a liar. I'm gonna tell you why. It's not. I'm gonna tell you why. Okay, I'm gonna tell you what the lie I explain it to you. Okay. The liars in that you said you didn't want to

get married, but she never really doesn't happen. Most women they come and say, I would like to get married, But if you don't want to, that's okay. That's not going to stop me from being in this relationship. Okay. So the man knows in the back of his mind she would want to. I'm not trying to just let me finish. He knows in the back of his mind she wants you, but she said she doesn't. She knows that I'm adamantly against it. Okay, then six of mon

sent to the relationship. What would be a lie is if she goes and gets married outside the relationship to somebody else and is playing games with you, using you for using the man for his house, his car, his money, his time, his sex, his whatever, and not telling him that she actually either has a husband or another relationship that she's in with somebody that does want to get married.

The honest thing to do is to say, at the six month point, when you feel like I need to get married, is to come and say, hey, I have had a change of heart. I know I said when we started this that I did not want to get married, or that I was okay with us not being married, but that has now changed for me. Are you in the same space, because if not, I am going to start the process of finding who is for me in

this new phase of my life. But it is not okay for her to go out behind his back because guess what he may have decided in the last six months that I would like to marry you or I'm open to it. Now. Now we can start building our credit together and thinking of things that we need to do to get ready for the proper marriage. But it's not okay for me to go and start something else and not give the person that I'm with the opportunity to understand things have changed with me. So that's what

I'm talking about. The lie, it's the deceit. It's the deceit. This is what I'm trying to say. I don't know how you got to come back to that because you just brought a whole another scenario and decided that I was Excuse me, I didn't me. I did not create a scenario about it. Excuse me, I responded to us a scenario that was created for me. I didn't bring up I don't want to get married. I want to

get married. Okay, So you act like you know that's not a similar situations because it's not like a man is dating you and say he don't want to get married, he's going to marry somebody else. And they said, oh I changed. Excuse me, excuse me. There are many bums out here who are in one relationship with a whole other wife and children across town or in another state. They haven't on the Lifetime movies every damn night. What I'm saying, my son, I was talking about what you said.

Is it a lie when somebody says when they get with you they don't want to get married, knowing good and well, they actually do and then they lure you in and they do all the things, and didn't they change? And what I'm saying to you is that that what the problem with that scenario is that, for the most part, very similar to what you have said. It's more than

likely not that they're trying to lord you win. It's that in the beginning, it seems feasible, right, it seems when you first meet a woman, a man look at you just just just hear me out. Hear me out, because I'm going with your example, so we could be on the same page. When a man first meets a woman's year one, year two, whatever y'all are hanging doing, going feeling each other. It's all good. She ain't got as many expectations, problems, arguments, this, that, all of that.

I get it. It's all it's different. It's just new. It's fresh. It's like the new pair of shoes. It's the whole thing. You stunt and you fly, it's it's amazing. Right over time you say, damn, I love her, And I really was considered that this could be somebody that I don't want to sleep with nobody else because she got the good this and a good ad and a good good gush. She's all at okay. So I'm feeling it. But as time goes on, people get older, things change,

Your body change. This happened, that happens. All kinds of things happen, and then you start saying the urge to go out and have some of the other things that you've learned about yourself. LaToya says the nipple rubbing, the whole thing or whatever, it may change. What I'm saying is that even if you go back to that person at that moment and say to them, hey, I've changed, you know, like you said, lower them in or whatever, I now want my nipples rubbed. I want this. I

want that. I don't think that's a lie. I don't think it's a lie. I think that that is I grew or I learned, or I figured out or whatever, and now I want to do something different. I'm saying the lie is to go get your nipple rubbed by Lisa and not or Mark and not tell Laurie who you actually are with that I need Lisa now to rub my nephew. That's what I'm talking about. That's the lie.

But I'm not saying we already we've already acknowledged that part, right, that the part of when you get in the relationship and you go cheat on the person outside, We've already

acknowledged that that is a lie. Right, I'm talking about the content of the relationships, right, How people enter into relations I'm not talking about how would he when it gets to a place and an evolved Right, I'm talking about how people into People come into the relationship, Like women are saying, men come into relationship line, no, they don't have any real expectations of ship, right, And women come into relationship with the same thing. They lie and

act like they don't have expectation what they do. So everybody is trying to trick somebody, right, everybody likes the person you look down like this dude. And I know if I say that I want to get married, it might scare him away. So I'm gonna I'm gonna play along with him, hoping that you know, eventually he'll want to get married on his own. When he doesn't want to get married on his own, then I'm gonna say, fucking I gonna try to maybe do something else right,

and I might be dating. I might still want to keep him and start dating up seeing if I see something, if I see a better deal, and the NYGN trying to get married, I might go get married. That might be the mentality that women have. So what I'm trying to say is men get in relationships saying I don't want to get married, and the woman says, yo, you know, I'm trying to get married at a certain amount of time, right, And it is that that's not really what I want

to do. But I'm gonna tell her that's what I wanna do. You know, I want this relationship becoming not yea. I know he was just dating and it was cool before and all the rest of the ship. I didn't care if you were seeing it, but now I care like I'm caring now, right, so everything the dynamics change.

You don't want to lose that. That's what all I'm saying is what I if we go, if you enter in the relationship, when if we go back to the premise, No, because even you have said that in our lives, the things I did when I was sixteen don't work for me at right. So the only thing I'm responsible for my son is being honest that something has changed in me. That's it. The thing is that the reason why we have such a breakdown is because of exactly what Terror

was saying, the lack of communication. People do not communicate their true I'm not saying that it's not on both sides. I'm just saying that there's you don't necessarily know when you start something how you're gonna be in the middle and in the possible end or later on. We don't know, right, We learn as we go. And I'm I'm only suggesting that most times men, because of some men have in

their minds the preconceived notions of what they have experienced. Right, so they don't you tell this woman this or that, adding the third it could turn into this and this and that in the third But I'm just trying to I'm I'm saying to you that more women are uh, what's the word, more women are progressive in their mindset, then they're being given credit for. But they're not dealing

with honest people. And what is very unfortunate is that a lot of is that a lot of our men, a lot of our men will not even admit to the fact that they just start offline. They that a lot of men. But that's what we're going to say. But that's what that's what you just said is the whole premise of my what I was saying to you, right, a lot of our would because you come from a perspective where a lot of men start off line. You're

not saying that not a woman start off line. A lot of women come into a situation knowing that they want more from a man than they actually get it, and they're willing to play a role to try to lower that man to get to what they want. That's that's a lot to me. But that's not but that, But my Sonne, that's life. Myson. Listen, you start a job right as a cashier. You're not coming to the job as a cashier to stay in the cashier's rape forever.

You come into the job saying I'm gonna be the best cashier I can be, because eventually I want to get on the floor, and after that I want to become a manager, and after manager, I want to become the regional manager, and then I want to go to the court. But but what But what I'm saying is they tell you, but listen, listen, listen. They might tell you the only position we have available for you as cashier, and you know what you do. You go there and you say, Okay, no problem, I'm going here and I'm

gonna focus on being a cashier. But you hope that they will notice and say I can make a new position for this great cashier that we had. That's not a lie. That's aspiration. Ship, that's aspiration. I'm not sure how you can compare somebody that, in your face, is working at becoming better so that they can be moved up in the ladder in your life to somebody that, because of whatever, never tells you but goals around your back. And that's not what we're seeing. That's not what you're

talking about. You keep talking about the cheating part. I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about the dynamic of going into a relationship. I'm not talking about cheating. I'm talking about if you enter, if you enter into a relationship, right, it's just like, so, what I'm trying to tell you is if the cashier right is a niked that's dating outside, you're just dating and it you're having a good time. You don't know what you do

on Wednesdays, Friday, and Saturdays. You might see him Tuesdays and Mondays. Right, dynamics him hanging with you on Tuesdays and Monday said, Look, I'm not trying to really be in a relationship. I like you be cool and you're like, all right, cool, I'm doo with that. We start dating more good that? Okay, So listen to what I'm saying. You was good with that, you're dating. He ain't lied

to you. He told you so when you've come and you decided to change the dynamics because of change for you, or if you already had it or you thought you had assirations like I'm just gonna play this role because eventually, nigger, he gonna be with me because I know and I'm showing that I'm worthy of getting that's you know what that is? You know what that is? You know what that is. This is what I'm saying to you. Not enough people take responsibility for self right when we're having conversations.

Our conversations is always based upon somebody else's whatever which makes us be and do. At the point that a person communicates to you that I need more or I want something different, you then have the ability to walk away. This is the problem up to you with that point to say that is not what I want, and therefore I am exiting the building at the because guess what I'm doing. I am communicating that things have changed for me. I'm telling you I now want to get married, I

now want to have a baby. I now want to be in a committed relationship. I now don't want to be sleeping with everybody. I now. I'm saying that I am communicating the changes within me. But what I'm trying to tell you is one when you communicated the changes within you, after you've already created a level of stability and life for the individual, it's a lot harder. It's way harder for that individual to just say, you know what, I understand those changes, but I'm not. But life is hard.

But I hear you. What I'm trying to tell you is just like the vaccine, the negative work for you, and I get it. But if you don't learn that,

you don't you know what you don't learn. Just like you said, a lot of women's men don't know that until they actually go through it and you realize that I'd rather be the nigga that the chick is mad because she didn't do this or I didn't do it and I was honest with her to being a nigga that she said a lot to it, and then you you start to get to that point, and then you can you can relay that message because that's not the

message that's been related. That's why I think that the whole point of this episode and the series that we're focused on, had should we we need to delve into that because the truth of the matter is that we have to take responsibility no matter how hard things are. And just because something is hard does not mean that we get to lie. We have to be honest with ourselves and the people around us about what it is that we feel. That's it and I'm and that doesn't

stand for it's not Larry's job to be honest. It's not so it's the people that's in a real relationship. It's their job to be honest with one another. And when you and I think you're right, we do as women debate and switch. That's what you're talking about, baiting a man in and then switching to something different at

a later time. But it is, it's it. But I think that to assume that anyone is gonna stay stagnant in the same place forever, it's it's it's foolish, just like men will some men will say it's foolish to believe that a man is only going to be interested in one woman for the rest of his life. Right, He's gonna see other things. He's gonna get excited by others, and there will be times when he's not necessarily excited

by you. Of course you passed by one day he gets the whiff of the smell and be like, damn, I love my friend, partner, wife, because you know whatever it is. But I'm just saying that, no matter how difficult it is, I don't think they're people should stay in one place. I think everybody has the right to say what I was at eighteen, I'm not anymore at five. And now therefore I'm I'm communicating that they are changes that have been made. But I'm just would to say,

I hear what you're saying. But it's just when you do that to a man, or when you do that to anybody, it's not easy. For It's like, you create a whole family with a person, you got kids, you've got bank accounts, and said, you know what, I don't really want to be married no more. So you need to figure out what you're gonna do. You need to figure out what you gonna do. You need to figure out what you're gonna do, because all this ship that we don't you know, y'all figure out what you're gonna do.

It changed for me. If you're in a relationship with somebody in six or seven months yet to build some ship, you gotta a rhythm that all the ship going. And it's like, it's like, then this is on a trajectory. I don't know about marriage. I don't even know if I want to do that, but I know I like this person, damn, but I don't want to. I don't want to end it. For I even see if I can get to that place with this person, So what then do I do? We don't think. I just don't

think that. I don't you know, maybe I'm wrong, but I I just I don't think that people just be changing in six months. That's not That's not been my experience. It usually takes time, and after a while a woman starts to put her foot down and say, Okay, we've done this already for a certain amount of years. Now I want to move on to something different. But I understand from your perspective that you're saying women are Lauren men and they you know, being monogamous for one person

the whole time is not necessarily natural. It's something that can be learned behavior, but it's not natural. It's this is that all the things that I hear you saying, it means somebody like me and and and it's the reason why I see so many black women that are single. Not only are they single, many of them are now

comfortably single. We have just decided that this is where we are because because if you can't even look at somebody and say I'm growing and I need these new things, and then that person be honest and communicate back with you or you can't even look for somebody not to go behind your back and do whatever they're doing. What the hell is the point. I'm not saying you can't. I'm just saying I'm just saying what happens is it

becomes a lot more difficult situation. I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect, Honestly, you shouldn't expect real reality and you know a level of transparency and communication, it just is a lot more difficult. And men, a lot of men don't want to deal with that difficulty, and we have to get we have to learn how to do it. You're right, it's it's a process, you know, it's it's it's the way that the way we're wire it is different.

We don't want to disappoint, especially people that we care about, piss people that we love. And so a lot of times when your mind state or your ideology changes, and you understand that it's gonna affect the partner that you believe believed in you, it has put so much it around you. When that changes, it's not easy to just say that that mindset changes. But women are saying and then when you actually start being honest with the women they said, you don't give a about you don't really care.

I've seen it now, you know. Then you just say anything to me. You don't even care how I feel. And the change, it's just there's so many things. It's less grace than men have to deal with, and that women have to deal with it too. So this conversation about because all day and I agree with you, I do, I agree. I think the advice that you know, I have to give myself and and all of us is that once the conversation is happening because of some drama,

it's not gonna work out the way we wanted to. So, in other words, we have to figure out ways to have conversations about things in a different setting. And that's been we We usually had all of our dialogue as men with difficult conversations in the conflict. And that's what we gotta try to figure out. So that's it, and that's it. Another dope show. You gotta get too. Fart two and three. You gotta bring some more brothers on.

The sister said, bring up partner. I got a couple of dudes I know could come on and have some you know, perspectives on this. Just different perspectives, but I think it's a dope, you know, a dope topic. Once again with the number one, number one podcast in the world, Street Politicians. If you've got any ideas, send them to us, as Street Politicians on on Instagram, d m us your ideas, tell us you love us, tell us you hate us, anything you want. If you have brands, please tell us.

Make sure you've got a real brand, You've got a real company, organ is some ship that you can really send you something. We don't want you know, your homeboys on the corner in his cash app, We don't want that. You know what I'm saying. We want a real business. Hit us up so we can promote yours more business on a on a platform. And once again, man, I'm not gonna always be right to me. It's not gonna always be wrong, but she is most of the time. I said it again, most of the time. But we

both always and I mean always, be authentic. Yeah, peace y'all. Listen to Street Politicians on the Black Effect Network on I Heart Radio and catch us every single Wednesday for the video version of Street Politicians on I Women Dot TV.