Turning Back Time and Saltburn Grime

We leven in turbulente tijden. De beste houvast die wij jou kunnen bieden is Japke de Balma. Koningin van de kantoorjungle, maar ook een allesweter over het dagelijks leven. In de nieuwe podcast van NRC, Japke D. Denkt mee, helpen Japke D. Bouma en ik, Peter Leijten, je om te gaan met het kantoorbestaan. Ik vergelijk die kantoortuin altijd een beetje met school. Boemers op het werk. Nou, twee dingen, negeren en misbruiken. Of met het krijgen van kinderen.

Is gewoon heel zwaar. Japke D denkt mee. Elke dinsdag in alle podcastapps. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone. Over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all its strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. Happy listening to the podcast.

So, hello, good morning, good afternoon, wherever you are in your day. Welcome to another episode of the Tired and Tested Podcast with me, Sophie McCartney. And of course, I've got my beautiful sidekick with me, as always. Hi, Lucy with the fridge.

I've made an effort. You have, I haven't. After last week. Yeah, I know. It's me now. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Me who looks like they've been dragged through a bush now. I look specifically like I've been dragged through a pineapple bush, though, to be honest, because look what's going on up here.

Oh my god, babe. I've just done a radio interview. And this was a radio interview that you set up for me. Lou sets this all up for me. She sends me the links. Whether I've got to phone in. Whether they're going to phone me. We do a lot of them over Zoom. So I'd seen 10 minutes before that it was going to be a Zoom interview. And I was like, oh my God. So I messaged her quickly. And I was like, lose.

I was like, is this going to be a visual thing? Because look at the absolute state of me. And then I sent her a really flapping picture with all the chins. That's what I like to do. And she was like, no, don't worry about it. It's fine. It'll just be audio. And if it is, just turn the camera on.

En ik was van, oké, cool. Anyway, ik ben on to de interview, Luce. Ik ben on to de interview met een lovely bloke. We had een lovely chat, maar hij was van, oh, could I see you? En ik was van, sorry, wat? En ik was van, could I see you?

I like to look at a face when I'm talking to someone and I was like oh um okay and he's like and also I might I might I might like take bits of this and stick it online for the podcast or I might do you know put it on social and I was like oh I was like the problem is

Sorry, that's just my coffee machine turning itself off. It's so high maintenance. Sorry, it's just cleaning out its pipes. It's like after it's had a shag and it needs to have a wee afterwards. It's like, sorry guys, I just need to... I just need to empty myself out so that no nasty bacteria is lingering around inside of me. Anyway, so I've gone on.

I was like, oh, well, the problem is, Paul, I've just done a workout. My kitchen's really cold. So I'm sat with a big hoodie on and my hair looks like a pineapple. So I'm not really, not really dressed for visual as well as audio. And he went and I could love him. He said it in the night. het possible way, maar hij went, no offence. Hij went, het is gewoon, ik heb zien some van je videos. En ik was like, yes.

Where you look like shit. Yeah, basically he was trying to find a really nice way of saying that basically everything that you put out on the internet, you look like a bag of shit. So really, what's the problem? And at that point I went, oh yeah. I have literally just put out a video of myself on the internet having my pants pulled down by my one-year-old.

I don't know why. I'm like, oh, I can't possibly do this interview, Paul. I've got no mascara on. It was savage, but you know, it was fair. It was fair. And also, I'm going to have a proper crick in my neck for all of this podcast, because...

My headphones weren't charged. This is one. I'm just giving the audio description for the audio listeners in case this absolutely grade A, amazing piece of podcasting doesn't make it to the video clips we put on our socials. But my headphones weren't charged because I'm a shit podcaster. En ik never denk van dit meer dan 5 minuten in advance. En ik had to charge them. Van mijn laptop. De cable is about 3 inches long.

Like the hunchback of Notre Dame. I'm so uncomfortable. I'm going to take a picture of this. Wait, on my phone. Hang on, I'm going to take a picture of what I look like. I'm just going to post this on Instagram afterwards. I mean, yeah, you look great, babe. I know.

You look great. I look great. Dat's not what Paul was saying. Dat's not what Paul was saying. Anyway, how are you? I'm good. I'm going to have a little swig of my coffee. I've got a jammy Dodger. Do you know what I've recently discovered? Want ik heb niet echt genoeg genoeg voor dat lang. En ik hadden geïnteresseerd op een paar jaar geleden.

I've never had, because I didn't like hot drinks, never dunked a biscuit in a hot drink. And I always thought that that was very strange. But now, because I'm becoming quite au fait with a latte, I've started dunking. And I quite enjoy it. So I've got a jammy dodger. I'm just going in, going in. Oh, look at the froth on that. Do you know, I'm not a coffee dunker, but I'm a fan of a tea dunker. It's weird that, isn't it? I've never dunked in my coffee, but I've definitely given my tea a good...

Duncan. Wat is je dunky? Wat is je vehicle of choice? Do you know what I really enjoy, Duncan, is a Kit Kat chunky. Oh, really? A Kit Kat chunky and a hot cup of tea. Oh, my.

God. Do you know what? I don't think I've ever had a Kit Kat Chunky. Twix is good as well. Oh, Twix. Twix, you get you properly, I mean, it's quite, it feels so filthy, but like just sucking the chocolate off and the caramel. Oh my God, it's filth. I did see your face of slight horror when I said that I hadn't had a Kit Kat Chunky.

Junkie, maar ik ga ik dat level van horror. Want ik heb een vriend van de weekenden. En het is altijd een sad tijd dat gebeurt. Maar je weet niet, als je zegt iets. En je zegt, hoe zijn we mates? Ik heb een beetje tijd om te redeemen. We were drunk and we went to the fancy dress party, which I'll circle back to. We were at the after party, which was at one of our mates' houses. We managed to kick their kids out for the night. We were like, what?

After party! Went on for 20 minutes, we were all tired and then we went home. But she was like, oh, what are you going to eat when you get home? And I was like, oh, I'm going to have an English breakfast muffin. And she was like, a what?

I was like, an English breakfast muffin. I was like, with a bit of butter on, maybe a bit of marmite if I'm feeling a little bit exotic. And she's like, what's an English breakfast muffin? Now, granted, she was born in Wales, but she's lived in England for a long time. I was like, so I got my phone out.

There I am googling English breakfast muffins at 2 o'clock in the morning. And I've showed it to her and she's like, no, nothing, nothing. And I was like, how do you not know what an English breakfast muffin is? And then I said, what do you get for your McDonald's breakfast then? To which she said...

I've never had a McDonald's breakfast. I know, Tracy's in the bin. Tracy's in the bin. Oh my goodness, I hope you drove her down there. I'm not sure you would have made it. If you were up till 2am, there's no way that you would have made it at 10.30am. I said, tomorrow's not the day for it, babe. Because, you know, there is Uber for this. But at one point...

I'm going to take you to Mackey's. I was like, because Mackey's breakfast is the best of all the things on the Mackey's menu, right? The Mackey's breakfast. I was like sausage and egg McMuffin with a square egg. Is it a square egg actually? It's a square egg, isn't it? You get a square egg.

Een square sausage en een square egg. Ik denk zo. Het is niet circular. Het is niet zo. Het is niet zo. Het is niet zo. Het is niet zo. Maar ja, ze had dat. En ik was zo, hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het. Hoe is het.

I know. It's like a Greg sausage roll. Now, do we think... I've never had an American Mackey's breakfast. Do we think they... What do they have? Do you think they have an English muffin? What's the Mackey's version? What's the American version of a Mackey's breakfast? In America, in McDonald's, you can get pancakes with bacon and maple syrup in McDonald's and you can't get that here. Can you?

No. Please, any Americans, this is a burning question, please, please answer this question, tiredandtestedatapest.com. What do you have in your Mackey's breakfast? Speaking of asking people to tell us their thoughts, I had a flutter of emails coming in. In response to, you remember we were talking about the guy who almost got arrested because he didn't have any proof of identity. Yeah, at the doctor's and the dentist with his child. So I had a flutter of emails from people saying...

They've never heard of that before. So it must just be where he lives, I guess. Or he looks shifty as fuck and he looks like the child catcher. He's gone in, dressed in like... 13th century clothes with a hunchback a bit like me having got my headphones attached to the computer and he was like good morning this here is me child Nothing suspicious. Someone on here. The child's crying. She's crying her eyes out. Like, he's not my dad. I wonder whether that was it.

The people spoke, didn't they? Because you asked people. Oh, for fancy dress options. I was really struggling because Aunt Flo came to visit and just, and my white Jenny from the block. ...outfit that I was going to wear. Fancy dress. I could not. So we had to do a very quick... ...what the fuck can I buy in 24 hours outfit. Lots of people suggested... ...sure. Hang on. Did you just call her Cher? Cher, because I'm Scouse. Cher. Is it not Cher? Cher.

Share, sure, sure. It's because of Scouse. This is like the Newcastle thing for you. You say, yeah, we can't say share. Share. Share. It sounds like give yourself your bag of crisps when you say share. Are you going to share? Share. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Like Cilla couldn't say her when Cilla Black was talking about her.

So I went, sure. I went, sure. But specifically from the Turn Back Time video. And those are people who suggested this to me. And I was like, oh my God, yeah, I could do that. And then I realised I don't think I'd actually seen the Turn Back Time video. So I went on, I had a little YouTube. Oh my God, sure.

Fuck. I mean, she is iconic. She is iconic. Zero fucks given. She is... Do you know the video? Well, I know that you've now subsequently seen the outfit that I wore. But have you actually... Had you seen the video? No, I don't think so. Oh my God. She's on a big American warship with the whole of the US Navy all... they're just like cream in their pants and throwing their hats around and she's in this see-through bodysuit with suspenders on with just a thong

En een leathern jacket en een sailor's hat. Ik ben, het is iconic. En ik was van, ik love dit. ... ... ... must have been around about Christmas, because she was on doing a Christmas song. And Evelyn was like, mummy, who is that lady? And I was like, well, Evelyn, this is sure. And she said, well, how old is she? And I said, well, I think you'll actually be surprised to find that she's older than granny.

Want she's in the late 70s now. And Evelyn just turned around and said to me, Mummy, how is it possible that that lady is older than Granny, but looks younger than you? And I was like, fucking burn. The absolute burn of it. So then I took a little bit of offence of this, right? Because, I mean, granted, she looks banging for 77. She looks banging for 77, but I'm 39. And I was a little bit put out by this.

So I then had to sit there and I was lecturing her, Evelyn. And I was like, well, you see, darling, there's this thing, it's a studio lighting. Okay, studio lighting's amazing, right? Okay, so it's studio lighting. I was like, and I think you'd actually find her. Cher was sat in our kitchen right now and you were looking at her there.

very close up I was like I think that you'd find that once you know that the lighting wasn't on her and she didn't have all the all the makeup artists that she probably would look a little bit older dan mummie, en dan ze was erg, erg disbeliefing van mij. Dus ik had to show de kids, want ze waren, mummie, wat zijn jullie gaan gaan? Ik denk dat ik ga share in dit video.

So I showed Jack first, right? This wasn't a good idea. Slightly prepubescent 10-year-old boy. His eyes popped out of his head, right? I've since subsequently... Oh my... God. I've taught him sitting there on his iPad now, just googling share music videos. I was like, oh no, what have I started? What have I started here?

Is first teenage pre-teen fantasies is going to be about a 77-year-old woman. I was like, I should have got Megan Fox. Should have brought the age down a little bit for him. That's going to be his little thing, isn't it, now? Growing up, he's going to be obsessed. Was he just like, oh, so his response was just, oh, I'm going to check out more Cher. Can you just imagine if Linda walked down when you were 10 to go to a party dressed in that outfit? What would you do?

I know. I would literally want to eat my fist. I'm like... I wouldn't let her out. I'd be like, get yourself back in, get yourself back in your bedroom and get your granny. Get your slacks on. Get your slacks and your orthopedic shoes on. What are you doing? What are you doing?

So the outfit that I got, right, it was actually, because when I went dressed in this, people in the evening were like, oh my God, did you get a Cher outfit? Like, is this the official fancy dress? And I was like, no. I was like, no, babe, you can buy this outfit. I'm just looking at the picture and I'm like, holy moly, how you manage this. Yeah, so I bought that outfit that I ended up subsequently wearing on boohoo for 20 quid.

So, and I was like, oh my goodness, this means the youth of today are buying this and wearing this. This is the thing. A 20-year-old someone was on a night out in Liverpool. Dress, dressed in this. I'm in an ex-working man's club. In my local village. Dressed as. I'm not going to lie. Once I had the wig on. It was slightly more Brian May. Slash Captain Hook. It was Brian May. On the game.

So my question is... So the outfit... You need to put this on your grid, by the way. I think you need to put a picture of it on your grid. Because it is iconic. It's iconic. It was iconic. But you were really concerned about the fact that... Je was op je perioden. Maar dan het looked like je werkt op je pats. Ik was pats. Dus wat happened?

You were wearing pants. I was wearing pants. So it arrived. And it's completely. Like the sides of this. There was nothing in the sides. It was just mesh. Just mesh. There was nowhere to wear knickers. So I tried this on. And I sent it to my friend Rian. To his birthday party it was. And I sent her this video going. Oh my god.

Ik denk ik zei je iets similar. Ik was zei, de shirt outfit has arrived. Ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei, ik kan zei. I can't hug Coach Dave, not wearing knickers.

Like, I was like, I'm going to have an absolute... On the blob. On the blob. So, I tried a swimming costume on underneath it. A black swimming costume. And that looked alright. But then that kind of... I was like, Cher wouldn't wear a swimming costume underneath. Cher would just have a badge out. Tampons. String blowing in the wind.

I found a pair of knickers that I had, which I must have bought in some kind of impulse sexy underwear haul. We're trying to make Steve think that I was sexy as. But they were full brief, but they kind of had like three strips of fabric at the sides. They were like a bit...

Ik weet het niet wat ik denk, maar ze waren heel erg thicc. Dus ik put ze onderdeel en ze waren heel high-waisted. Ik heb alle de stofs voor mijn husband gezien gezien. Ik heb een nice pair van high-waisted black pants gekocht. So I put that on underneath and then I put a black bikini strapless top on.

En ik wouw dat. Het was de addition van de knikers. Als ik had de knikers op, ik felt all right about het. Want het was dan dus mesh. Maar ik had knikers op. Do you know wat? Ik had de hele evening. Just trying to keep a horny teen wolf away from me. Because dat is wat Steve had gone as. He had gone as teen wolf. en every time I just kept catching his eye across the room he was just like at me across the room

Oh my goodness. And he was like, oh, later. And I was like, mate, later. I was like, you've had about eight pints. I know how later's going. I can put money on this that we are going to get home. You're going to eat.

All of the kids snacks that they're going to be furious about in the morning and then you're going to fall asleep on the sofa. I was like, I'm safe. Yeah, I'm safe. I know that this isn't happening for anyone tonight. Yeah. So it's all good. But yeah, it was a good evening. There was some great fancy dress, I have to say. Some great fancy dress.

dat iemand als Edward's scissorhands, maar committed. Ze had de full outfit. Het must have cost them een fortune. Maar hij put een load van PVA glue aan zijn. Oh, er was een top-notch parenting special. of X going on. Read the kids' covers. Oh wow. But he also, he had the proper scissors. Like he had... ZANG EN MUZIEK

Good fun. A bunch of middle-aged people just dressed like twats in a working man's club in Warrington dancing to five. I mean, if that doesn't sum up turning 40, I don't know what else does.

Speaking of the blob... Oh God, oh I know what you're going to say because I know what you watched last night. Go on, go on, tell us, tell us. So, I'm not going to lie, I've had quite a sort of, I felt a bit down over the weekend, needed cheering up, so I thought... Let's watch that blockbuster movie everyone's talking about. Let's watch Salt Burn. Sophie Mann, I am scarred. I am actually scarred. You've not seen it yet, have you? I've not, I've not, but...

en iedereen is taking great joy in telling me about all the horrendous bits in it. So I kind of feel like I don't need to see it, but I do kind of want to see it. Yeah, it's got everything. It starts off quite normal, but then it's got cunnilingus on the blob. Not even dregs, like full blob.

No, full blob. And it's blobby. It's full blobby. Blobby, blobby. It's so gross. It's so gross. But yeah, she's like, it's not the right time of the month. And he's like, well, it's luckily for you. That doesn't bother me. And I was like, no. no no no please no and then afterwards he's in the bath and he's just like covered i had to stop i had to stop eat my tea i was like i can't

It's also got... Sorry if this is a spoiler, but I'm almost going to put this out as more of a disclaimer before you watch it. But yeah, there's that. And then there's also the bit where he shags... The guy is shagging a dead person in a grave. And then there's the bit at the end. Where he also kind of seduces a dying woman on her deathbed. You finished watching it. And I was just literally just like.

de fuck have I just watched felt I felt violated so Steve doesn't know anything about this Steve just like it's just like a weird little hermit he doesn't know about things like this and I was like everyone's talking about it and he's like what so and I said last night when you messaged me saying I was like

Dat je je kijkt. Oh God, Lucy is watching Saltburn. En hij is like, what's Saltburn? So I think that maybe I should watch this. And I should just film Steve's reactions to it. Because he knows nothing about it. Film him.

So maybe we should do this and see what he says. But we'll tell you what we've been watching and I know that you've watched this as well because you told me to watch it. We've been watching Mr Bates. I keep calling this Masturbates and it's not. It's not Masturbates versus the post office. Mr Bates. Mr Bates versus the post office. And I had been aware of the post office scandal, but I hadn't, you know, I hadn't delved too far into it. Hideous. I'm now just, I never want to buy a stamp.

Ever again. Robin Thiefen-Bathus. I've just had a delivery from Royal Mail. And I know that wasn't that postman's fault. But I felt a lot of anger towards him. Because he was wearing red and red. Isn't that awful? And I was like thanks. Thanks so much, can you use the other door? Thank you. And then just like, okay, it was super polite, but closed the door going, oh God, post office, man.

En het is niet de mensen die werken voor de post-office. Het is de bigwigs. Als past PR's, ik zou niet willen zijn op de crisis en reputation team voor de post-office. Dat is all I was thinking when I was watching it. I was thinking, oh no, the PR department. What an absolute nightmare this is, working in the crisis PR team for this.

One of my friends, her mum was one of the original 500. Was she? Yeah, and she said to me, I didn't know this, and she told me, I saw her the other day, and she was telling me, and her mum had done an interview and stuff, and I was like, oh my God, she went, Lucy, it was my childhood. My childhood was abs. ... ... ... ... ...

It makes me so hungry. You just can't fathom, can you, that something like that. And it was, I appreciate it was, what, so it was about 2012, no, was it earlier it started than that? It was earlier than that. 2009, something like that. And they are modern times. I mean... The kids of today might not think that, but they were modern times. And you can't fathom, can you, that something like that could have happened in this country.

In those times. I mean. And I'm shit at maths. I'm shit at maths right. And I can just imagine myself in that situation. And be 100% thinking. I'm doing something wrong. I can't add up. Like something is happening. Do you know what it is? It's a computer gaslighting you.

It is, isn't it? Is it? Computer gaslighting. You've nailed that there, Lucy. So there's that. And then I have also watched The Tourist. Have you watched The Tourist yet? Oh, ik moet iets nieuws nu. Oh, no. Oh, de Taurus. First off, it's got Jamie Dornan in. Jamie Dornan. Oh, nice. Nice. And he's full Irish Jamie Dornan as well. He's not like Mr. Grey. He's like bearded, proper Northern Irish accent.

En er is twee series. Oh, you lucky, lucky duck. You've not watched it. Er is twee series. So the first series is set in Australia where he is the tourist. And this isn't a spoiler. This isn't too much of a spoiler because this happens in the first episode. But he gets in an accident and he gets amnesia and he loses completely. all of his memories and he's got no idea who he is why he's in Australia but there's people after him and he doesn't know why hang on

You might have seen it. Have you seen it? Okay. Right. Okay. All right. Well, good news is the series two. Series two has just landed and that's filmed in Ireland. Oh, you can sit and watch it with your dad. Sit there and watch it with Maurice. I will. I'll watch it with Maurice. And you can sit there and be all Irish together. Oh, but that's excellent. But just also, Steve was just getting really cross for me because throughout the whole...

like, bloody series. It's about eight episodes. And I'm sitting there going, he's a handsome man, isn't he? That's all I kept saying. I go, oh! Oh, he's a handsome man. Jamie Jordan. I've never seen any of the Fifty Shades of Grey films on account of the fact that I don't like the Fifty Shades of Grey books. And as an author, and I do feel a little bit bad saying this because I wouldn't like it if somebody was saying they didn't like it.

het is een personal preference, het is een personal taste, isn't it? Ja! Steve got me the first Fifty Shades of Grey book, right, of course he did, when I was pregnant with Jack, right? Oh God. And he kept saying... Everybody keeps talking about this bookstofing. And I think he thought if he gave it to me that for five minutes I might stop throwing up ginger nuts in the toilet out of my nose and I might shag him. And all it is.

On het did, right? Was it just... It just made me... It just made me really cross. And I was lying in bed reading it. Just being like, what the fuck is this woman doing? Like, what she called... She called her vagina, like, a stroke to my... My sex, I think she called it. She had a really weird terminology for her lady garden. And I couldn't get on board with it. So it just made me really cross. So then I never bothered with the films. I watched it with Steve.

I'd give him ideas. He'd be thinking, I'm in here. Yes, of course. I'm in here. And if I watched it on my own, I'd feel weird sitting there watching it on my own. So I never... Kind of soft porn. Yeah, but then I did watch that 300... That was it? What's it? That 300 and... I want to say 365.

Maar dat is een gladiator film. Dat is 300. Het is een gladiator film. Er was een film dat kwam uit. Oh, ik ga google het. Er was een film dat kwam uit. On Netflix. En het is gewoon gewoon. Ik weet niet hoe ze filmen het. Oh. Oh hang on. They talk about this on the Kardashians. Do they? Oh that's it because Khloe. They tried to set Khloe up on a date didn't they? With the guy who was in it. So yes it's a Polish erotic thriller.

Ik denk het was een boek. 365 days. Ja. Dus het is... Het is dubbed, ik denk. Ik kan het nu. Ik denk het is dubbed. En... It's very raunchy. The man in it is beautiful. But it's all a little bit weird. She kind of gets a little bit abducted by him. But then they get... It's a little bit Stockholm. Creepy psychological.

Ja, een beetje Stockholmie porn. Ik zat er kijken naar het. En ik had to keep looking around. Ik had to keep watching around. Ik had to keep watching around. To make sure nobody was watching me. Ja, maar het was een goed one. En er is een sequel. Er is een sequel, die ik niet gezien, eigenlijk. Dus ja, dat is een goede one voor als Steve's niet hier. Dus ja, 365 days. Er we gaan. Gaan amongst hem.

So yeah, maybe I will watch Fifty Shades of Grey. Maybe I'll just watch it with the sound off and I'll just appreciate the beauty that is Jamie Dorn. And do you know then what I did? Do you know what I did after watching The Tourist? And I don't know why I do this, because I'm married. I then googled Jamie Dornen wife just to see, you know. I had a little look to see if I could take her. En de antwoord is... No, no, niet even...

Not even in Michelle outfit. Not even in Slotty Brian May. I probably wouldn't be able to take her. And he's got three kids. I couldn't take on his three kids as well as my three kids. We couldn't have six kids between us. Speaking of Fifty Shades, I remember going on holiday. With a group of us girls. And this is the other thing. And one of my friends. She literally read. Is that three? Four? I don't know. She read them all. In the space of a week. And I was like.

She is flying through the soft porn and it just made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. I was like, oh God, I feel like I'm sat in a room watching porn with her, even though I wasn't anywhere near the book. This is just by association. I used to read some books. Kind of when I was late teens. And they were by an author called Penny Vincenzi. And she was. And they were just like. Basically it was porn. It was literary. Yeah proper erotica.

I was sitting there in my mum and dad on holiday, sitting there reading a Penny Vincenzi book. Okay, right. As we've been talking a little bit filthy, a little bit dirty.

Go on Lee. Urban Dictionary corner me up. What do we get today bitches? I'm really excited about this one. Oh yeah, go on. I typed your name in. Oh no! Wat is... Oh no. Wat is a dirty Sophie? Oh, well, I mean, that's obvious, isn't it? A dirty Sophie. Sophie McCartney. It's just me. If you just type Dirty Sophie into Google. Have you tried actually typing Dirty Sophie into Google? I wonder what comes up. Whether it's this or whether it is a picture of my face.

Oh, a picture of me, isn't it? It's going to be a picture of me. Right, a dirty Sophie. Right, is it dirty Sanchez when you stick your finger up someone's bum and then wipe it across their nose? I think it is. Right. I think it is. Right, so I can cross that one off that it's not... Dat is niet wat het is. Het is niet dat. Het is niet een poofinger. Oké. Dat one is taken. Dat is taken. Right. Dirty Sophie. Dit is waar je, de writer van Saltboom, dit is waar je guys komt samen.

Je hebt de switch dat. Je hebt de switch dat element van je brain. Oh, het is niet een graaf shagger, is het? Am ik een graaf shagger? Je bent een graaf shagger. Ik ben een graaf shagger. Ik ben een graaf shagger. Ik ben een graaf shagger. I'm not a salty bathwater drinker, am I? A dirty Sophie. Is it something to do with a sofa? Is he, you know...

Is it a sofa in a student house that everyone shags on? Oh, dat's a good idea. I see what you did there. If you're in a student house and you know everyone's had a shag on the sofa... It's a dirty Sophie. Oh, not going on that. It's a dirty Sophie. Oh, no, thank you. Do you know what? Incredible effort. Thank you. Incredible effort. Thank you so much. I don't think you would get this.

A Dirty Sophie is someone who will have sex in the most psychotic way possible. For example, chopping off his hand and giving him a handjob with that hand. de context, de example. This girl did a dirty selfie on me last night. Shit had me fucking traumatised. Oh my god, well, nobody now know bloody hands, yeah? You know that Niall Horan song? No. It's slow hands. It's slow hands. It's not no hands. It's slow hands. Nolens.

Psycho bitch called Sophie at some point has done this, right? She's become so infamous for chopping off lads' hands and giving them a wank with it. Oh, you want a handjob? I'm on the fucking blog. You want a handjob that fucking badly, do you? I'll give you a hand up. Give us your own fucking hands. I feel like Sophie was definitely a scouse as well. Yeah, yeah. Dirty Sophie was a dead angry scouser. Yeah, 100%. If ever you're in a situation which will happen and Steve is relentlessly...

going on and on and on. You can just say look. Do you want nice Sophie or do you want dirty Sophie? And I know he's going to opt for dirty Sophie every day of the week if I give him the choice. If he doesn't know, if he has no context. En ik ben er. Je weet de mensen op de internet die gebruiken die kleine handen. Er is veel mensen op de internet die gebruiken die kleine handen. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja.

There's a date, Sophie. Next week, tune in to find out what a Juicy Lucy is. There's never really a clear...

Bridge into our lovely parenting tales and fails from Urban Dictionary Corner, is there? So we'll just crack on with this then. Luis, what have we got this week? Who is going to be our worthy winner of an Iconic London Triple Threat Mascara? Who has been arrested this week? Whilst parenting. Well, this week I'm going to call this one the nail fail.

So this one is a first because it's a twin dobbing her twin in. But she has got consent. Okay, okay, okay. Hang on, is the twin like an actual child is written in? Or is this like, okay, right. Okay, fine. Ja, okay. I really hope there are no people under the age of at least... 20. ...18 listening to this. Yeah. 20. Yeah, 25 really. Yeah, really. Come on. But anyway, right. So, hey! Thanks for making me lol. Your show is fab and so relatable. I have a twin.

En in true twin style, I'm going to dub her in and tell you an embarrassing tale that she told me. And all I could think about was your parents and girls segment. She's given me consent, I promise. Okay, right. So she probably needs the mascara here as well, by the way. Okay, you need to give her the mascara. Oké, should we give them one each?

She is breastfeeding and she's absolutely smashing it. Do you know what I love about this is the fact that she, we're in this, she bigs up her twin. She's lifting her up. I'm about to smash her down. She's lifting her up ready to smash her down. She's breastfeeding, absolutely smashing it. She definitely has a nipple tassel baby that loves his mama. Aw, loves that baby. She had a nail appointment and thought, well, how hard can it be? Hopefully he won't need a feed. But if he does...

He can have the boob while she does one hand and then I'll swap them over. So, you know, holding, holding. Okay, doable. Have you never done it myself? No, no, never did. No, never done it myself. The salon that she's been... like she uses it a lot, were really supportive and couldn't wait to meet her baby. So in she goes proud as punch and he's sleeping contently. She hopes and prays that he doesn't wake up. Bye!

You better believe he got one sniff of mama getting her bit of me time and instantly wanted the booby bar. So she obliged only for her to realise that the baby then... had the biggest punami. Oh no. So a big old poo-poo. Oh god, yes. So, she asked if she could be freed from the nail table to quickly go and change him. And she realised it was an absolute cracker. She quickly cleaned him up. Aww.

back down to get her other hand started gloss over oh no, I think I know where this is going she did, she realised she had poo all over and under her fingernails Oh no. She said it was the baby. Oh, well, yeah. Imagine if it was your own. That's what I think. You know, you see the girls with the really long nails. I'm like, what happens when we wave here? They must just constantly go around with shit fingers.

So she said, a brilliant fail. One I find hilarious. That mum rollercoaster. Nobody wants you. Such a wild ride. A bare knuckle one for sure. Thanks for riding it with us all. And that's from Emma. A bare knuckle and a shitty finger. Oh. What did you do? I mean, you'd be like... I'd be like, oh sorry, I've just fed him biscuit in the toilet and it smushed up all under my nails.

Het doesn't smell, does het, like proper poo? Het depends on hoe old de baby is. Maar het is echt, echt, het smells een beetje buttery. Dus ik zou zeggen, ik heb hem de malte milk, en hij heeft het smasht het op. Do you know wat? Er zijn times waar ik van mij... Nail of something

I'm not sure what that is. Yeah, I know. And I've not gone properly under the nails. What if they went to get out one of their sort of electric cleaning tools and it started like... Like spitting everywhere. Spraying all over. Schitty nail filings. Well, there's a good moral of the story there, I think. The good moral of the story is try and get a babysitter or have shit nails. I think that's probably... Well, literally shit nails. Literal shit nails.

Ja, just have some me time. Make it me time. Thank you, Emma. And thank you, Rebecca, for giving her consent to share that story. Yeah, your shitty fingers. Love it.

is another episode oh they fly don't they they fly when you're talking about shitty fingers and shagging graves what what an eclectic amount of things that we've covered

quite a few different topics that we've gone over on this week's episode and if you've got a parenting tale or file that you want to send in to us you want to be in with a shot of getting your hands on one of those iconic london triple threat mascaras then please do send them in to tiredandtested.acast.com and we will have a little lulz lulz lulz lulz lulz over them all

En als we zure yours to read out, you will get one of those mascaras. Tune in next week for more of the same. And of course, we have a little snackette that goes out on a Thursday as well. Which, by the way, Lucy, you did a poll about this, didn't you? About what our little snackette should be called. And we asked... We asked if it should be finger blast from the past or a fast blast from the past and go on loose. What was the unanimous decision? Bunch of wrong ends.

It's fingerblast from the past. Fingerblast from the past. We knew it would be. We knew it would be. You were our people. It was always going to be a fingerblast. Fingerblast, fingerblast. Fingerblast from the past. Right. See you next week team. Hit the jingle. TV Gelderland 2021 Parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

We leven in turbulente tijden. De beste houvast die wij jou kunnen bieden is Japke de Balma. Koningin van de kantoorjungle, maar ook een allesweter over het dagelijks leven. In de nieuwe podcast van NRC, Japke D. denkt mee, helpen Japke D. Bouma en ik, Peter Leijten, je om te gaan met het kantoorbestaan. Ik vergelijk die kantoortuin altijd een beetje met school. Boomers op het werk. Nou, twee dingen, negeren en misbruiken. Of met het krijgen van kinderen.

Het is gewoon heel zwaar. JapkeD denkt mee. Elke dinsdag in alle podcastapps.