Throwback: Sambuca Towers and Squirting Powers

Hey! . . . It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe place zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and handgovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and nits to snack, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening.

To the podcast. So hello everybody and welcome to episode six. of the Tired and Tested podcast with me, Sophie McCartney, and I am joined all by a very special guest today. She's blonde. She has a fringe. Her name is Lucy with the Fringe. Hi, Lucy with the Fringe. are back and can we just all say happy bloody birthday babes 39 years young today thanks um kit told me he thought i was 22

So we're going with 20. Let's just go with 22. Well, you're like, you've always been my favourite. Not that mummy has been. I guess you.

how old are you, mummy? How old do you think I am? No, but how old are you, mummy? How old do you think I am? And I thought he doesn't know any numbers over 22. No numbers or time. Unlike my little so-and-so of a son who, when I ask him things like that, he'd go, just for shits and... giggles he'd be like 85 did you have a lovely relaxing day thus far possibly the worst way of you could ever spend a birthday if you ask me i mean apart from being in jail

yes or dead that would be worse or dead yeah or at a funeral that would be a bit shit as well okay so it's not the worst possible way but it wasn't up there on my ways to spend a birthday bucket list I came back to the cold and cloudy northeast of england from the sunny sunshine in i be fair yeah that sucks and more to the point that you actually just had to spend what like two and a half hours trapped in a cylindrical column of farts and crumbs with your two kids

Yeah, I'm a husband. I'm a parent. Now, and your parents. Love the parents. Now, did Jez fall asleep and leave you to battle with the kids? Because that's what my husband does when he sets on a plane. he did on the way out and I was I almost filmed him just to be like oh this is what Steve does every time um he did on the way out but on the way back do you know what I did I I had

Bowie to sat on my knee to start with. And then about halfway, not even that, I passed him over. Passed him over to Jess and I was like, it's your turn. It's my birthday, motherfucker. So passed him over and then I pretended to be asleep. Nice. Nice. See, our problem now as a family of five is, well, Nate Chops is still small enough to sit on a knee, but Steve will always have the...

I'll see it on the other side. And because we're quite last minute holiday bookers, we like to, cause you know, I'm like, I'm a very indecisive person. I never know what the next week looks like. So we always leave it like a couple of weeks before, but all the organized people in life, they have.

the seats booked and everything so because we're always the last bloody ones to book on steve's always halfway down the back of the plane he's like oh it's all right don't mind me i'll sit on my own i'll take one for the team i know i never get that one

So I was like, I want to sit by a mummy. Oh, I was, when we came off the flight, you know, when you go into security and if you've got kids under 10, you get to go down like the fast track lane. But it's not a fast track line. It's longer.

I'm sorry, I'm very angry about it. We fast-tracked, okay? We fast-tracked and we went straight to the front of the queue, which was amazing. Getting loads of evils from these... like grown up people and I'm like do you know what you've just enjoyed a three hour flight do whatever you want I've had to enjoy

a three-year-old and a very, very hyperactive baby. See, I'm going to start flying in and out of Newcastle because whenever we fly into either Liverpool or Manchester and actually any country we then fly into also, they always seem to put...

The family's in a separate limb because you can't use the chips, can you, to go through the things they actually have to see the kids. Is that what it is? Yeah. But I also find this a little bit pointless because Nate's passport, I could have picked any baby up off the street. And they have it until they're five. I've just, poor little Nate's just going to have this profile.

passport of a little baby Phil Mitchell until he's five years old. And I could have literally stolen any child. And they just kind of look at them and they go, kind of.

you know look like you did because you're a baby and that's it but yeah they always and because all the flight you know if you're on if you're going away in a half term to mallorca 90 percent of that flight are people with kids and they just all put you in and it's always bloody longer for us and do you know what also is the pet hate of those arrival halls

And this actually makes Steve so cross. And I have to tell him to just be really nice and polite about it. Otherwise, we'll end up in a foreign jail when we go through or just a UK jail. You know, the way that the entrance to the to that part of the, I don't know, the arrivals hall or whatever it is, is probably only.

18 feet from you walking through the door to where the desks are with the passport people. Yes. Yes. They will put the magic little ropes in, won't they? Like the world's worst game of snake. Have you ever tried to? Oh my God, and somehow you're there, aren't you? And it takes five miles to get there. By the time you've weaved your way around, it makes Steve absolutely raging. He's like, all I want to do is just get to there, but I can't. I can't. Have either of your kids gone?

drunkies i thought you meant like drunkies is in are they drunkies in the club i was like no no babe because then they're like 10 and 7 and 1 i mean we're not there yet give jack like at least another four years before he gets trunkies so he gets junkied and no so kit's got a trunky and you pull him he sits on it and you pull him trying to get around those fucking pools They've not got good handling, have they, on the trunkies? We have a gruffalo one.

yeah we have a gruffalo one it only came on holiday with us once um and because several things happened the first of which being that he would take out so it was jack's so he would take out my ankles and everybody else's ankles in a five mile radius of manchester airport and it um the second

thing was that we'd gone through, you know, the scanner thing through security. His trunk had come off to the other side. He'd taken it off. He'd hopped on it and started off. And like Steve's still trying to put his belt on. He was off. He was like, see you. He was like home alone. He was like, bye. I'm off to New York. Yeah, love my best life. We don't do the Trunky anymore because I know some people like them, but I just find them fuck awful. Everyone buy a Trunky. This podcast.

has not been brought to you by the people who made Trunky. It was a great idea, guys, but we just didn't think through everybody's ankles, did we?

See, now my tequila's all the way downstairs. And if I leave my little station to go down and get it, then a child will see me. So the only thing that I've got, which I found in my handbag, because, you know, this is obviously just standard as to what I carry around with me on a day-to-day basis, is also... a mini bottle of Prosecco. And I hate Prosecco, but as it's your birthday...

I'll pop my cork for you. Hang on. Let's have our little bottle of Prosecco. Where is it? Oh, it's there. It's next to my can of Batiste for some reason. There it is. Oh, God. Obviously. You know when they do in Vogue magazine, what's inside your makeup bag? Sophie, a bottle of Prosecco that she doesn't like. I don't like it. Do you know what? Everybody really judges me harshly for not liking Prosecco. But Prosecco is just sparkly cat's piss, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Like it's not...

There's no prestigiousness to it. I don't know if that's a word, to be honest. When was the last time that you had some nice... I bet that's because, going back to uni days, you were drinking Lamborghini, weren't you? I mean, I'll take you off. You need a Prosecco, to be honest. Oh, God. The cherry one's delish. Oh, God. You can buy a magnum for three quid. What? Cherry A. Oh, now this is a... Oh, this is... I'm confused by this. It's not got a cork. It's got a twist.

Oh, God, you really... You're not used to your Prosecco, are you? You know it's classy when it's got a screw lid. Oh, it smells... It's a rosé one, babes. Just think of it as cherry. Just think of cherry Lambrini. Close your eyes and imagine it's cherry Lambrini. And I've also not got anything to drink it out of, so I'm just going to swing it out of the bottle. Oh, OK.

when when yeah when in a dodgy nightclub with all your mum friends do do as they would do right okay then cheers babe happy birthday here's being just clinging on to that side of 30 cheers Cheers. And do you know what? You're also going to get the burpees. You always get burps when you drink a fizzy drink, don't you? I do. And...

It's not helped by the fact that it's room temperature, I'm being honest. Yeah. Do you know what it tastes like? It tastes like three o'clock. No, I would say half past four on Christmas Day is what that tastes like. You know, when you've just had, you just had enough.

And you're just like, that's what it tastes like. That's what cheap Prosecco tastes like. 4.30 on Christmas Day when you're bloated, but your mum passes you another glass and you go, okay, that's what it is. I'm going to have another sweet. Look at you. Look at you. Full of birthday cheer.

And you, eh? Now I need to belch. I had two sips of it. Yeah, Hugo. I thought that would happen. Yeah, well, I did that for you, babe. Happy birthday. Hang on, here it comes. Wait, wait, I need to move away from the mic. She gets a Diet Coke ban before she goes on stage. She's not allowed it now before in case she starts burping her way through. And I can't have a gin and tonic either on stage because of the same reason. So I just have to have a margarita. It's terrible, really.

Just hard lick it. Yeah, just hard. None of this fizzy shit. Right, so, babe, did you get anything good for your birthday? Do you know what? I've had some shockers in my time, but so far, so good. I'm saying so far because I hope there's going to be more. Because you haven't had anything. Did Jez get you anything? So, you know, Jez can be a bit hit and miss when it comes to presents. We're going away to a spa.

for 24 hours without my children. Do you know what you need to do? You need to get yourself on a 70-day comedy tour if you want to get away from your kids. I can highly recommend it. Now, So you say Jez has bought you the spa day. Has he actually bought you a spa day yet? Or has he bought you a magical voucher kind of thing? I'm really hoping it's not a Sophie McCartney spa day.

Right. So I have previous. So my favourite thing to buy Steve every year, whether it is birthday or Christmas, is I like to, and I'm going to do the kind of air quotations here, buy him. a voucher for an experience day a mini break um just how's that how's that 40th birthday present looking oh what the crystal maze uh We've not been to. So I'm quite clever in this because I'll always buy him something. And again, I use the words buy.

In quotations. Because what I actually do is I just go online and I find a picture of something that looks nice and quite fancy. print it off, and that's the voucher. I don't actually buy him anything because I know we will never get round to doing this, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it? So I just present him on the day in like a little box, you know.

tin of beans in it or something and he opens it and it is just a voucher it is a voucher for something that I have not bought and he will never use and we're both okay with that Does he not? No, he never catches it. I would be on it. No, he's not, no. And... I think probably the only one he's ever done was maybe like one year when I maybe promised him, you know, like gave him like a blowjob voucher or something. He probably tried to catch those in. And I was like, oh.

They've expired. Sorry, who has checks anymore? So that's what I get for him. Generally what he gets for me, I have to send him like three or four days before a list and with Amazon links.

just buys buys things and then he wraps them in wallpaper x like samples of wallpaper that we've got and so when we the quality of the paper it's always a lovely thick wrapping paper but it's always like some kind of like abstract geometrical print or some Laura Ashley flowers or something feature wall like feature wall print um that it gets passed into me and I'm like oh what is

surprise it's the cleanser that i sent you a link for but it's fine because actually i'd rather him do that than go rogue because he's he's got me some shocking things in the past

what was the worst worst worst gift you just worst gift you've ever received what would it be it would probably be it would be from my husband it would be from my husband um now this is gonna sound i'm gonna sound very ungrateful A finger up the bum. It wasn't, but I have asked him for that once. Was it on the list? But it was in relation to some post-birthing pile situation. I asked for it. Oh, did you ask for it?

assistance i asked for some assistance and i also asked for him to come and look in the toilet After I'd been to the toilet. Oh, stop it. After I'd had my first post poo. Oh, stop it. And it was after chops, actually. And bear in mind, he was a C-section. And I was a neighbour, but I hadn't pushed.

I still had a very difficult first poo experience with him. And then afterwards I had piles and I'd never had piles before. I didn't have them in any of the pregnancies and I don't know what it was about it. But anyway, and I'd had my first poop, been to the toilet. And I looked down before I flushed and I was like, oh, my God. And I don't want to be too graphic, but it was like a shark attack in the toilet. So I was like, babe.

you need to come in and he was like why very dubious having known that that's just what I'd been to go and do because I told him obviously that was going for my first my first poo and yeah I was like please can you come in and he was like why because something's come out into the toilet and I don't He just walked in, walked one look down the toilet and just went, called the doctors. I went, okay.

Okay. So then I called the doctors, right? And I don't know if your doctor is like this. I think a lot of GP practices are like this now, especially after COVID. But the receptionist for the... the the doctor's practice she's almost the gatekeeper well she's the gate she didn't ask for a picture she didn't ask for a picture there were certain things i discovered this when i was calling about one of the kids and an issue that they had there are certain things that you're not allowed to send

uh by the picture but so i called her like june or whatever her name is and um and i'm like oh i'm postpartum um i've just i've just been to the toilet i've just had quite a tricky poo um i'm trying to say all these words that just aren't

you know actually what the problem is and um and i'm like oh and i just i'm trying to be polite about it i was being very very polite and also because i can visualize what the setup for our doctor's surgery is because june sits in like a little pod in the middle it's all open and everybody else in the waiting room can hear exactly the conversation that is going on on the end of the phone so she's like can i have your name please love so i give her and she's like sophie and then like

spelling it out and she types it in first name last name first line of your address love and so she's typing it in typing in first line really loud what did she ask you well so I'm then giving this whole spiel about you know that I'm bleeding from my bum

i'm quite concerned because i'm you know however many days postpartum but i'm not wanting to say the words because i don't want her to then say to the waiting room so anyway we get through all of this and she goes hang on a minute love i'm just trying to remember how you spell hemorrhoids It is a tough word. It is. It's like diarrhea, isn't it? You never get it right. Never know how it's spelled, ain't it? Never, never know.

So it wasn't a finger up the bump, but to be honest, that would have been preferable to what I did get from my husband, which was a mountain bike. Now, I'm going to set the scene here because you know me. Right. Generally speaking, I only run if I'm being chased is kind of where I sit.

I'm happy to do all my gym exercises where I'm just strength and conditioning and I'm doing weights and things. But oh my God, I'm not going to get on a bike and pedal places. No, thank you. Also, I don't- On a mountain. On a mountain, exactly. I also don't understand bikes.

right they have like 20 gears or something and I've never got my head around them even as a kid when I had maybe three or four gears just just didn't understand did your chain always come off my chain would always come off when I tried yeah when I was trying to try to change the gear chains off fuck's sake yeah

So not only had he bought me a mountain bike, he'd obviously got, my husband's thrifty. We may have mentioned this before. I'm not calling you tight, Steve. We're just going with the thrifty option here. So he'd obviously found a really good deal. Now also to set the scene, very generous of him because we really hadn't been together all night. that long um but so he bought this mountain bike but he'd also he bought me a man's mountain bike because it was cheaper

So it had the, it had, you know, all the crossbar was in the wrong, was in the wrong place that, you know, the men and the women's crossbar. So he bought me some blue as well. I mean, again, we're not gender stereotyping, but I was like, okay, cool. Thanks. So he's like, I thought that we could go.

for lovely bike rides together and I was like okay so off we went for a little bike ride together and he took me up this big fuck off hill now again at this point I'm thinking I can't tell him I don't know how to work again But I can tell him how much I fucking hate him right now. So we're peddling, peddling up the hill. I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm like, I'm just emotionally ruined by this. So I just start to wail uncontrollably.

I did that. I would just stop crying. Because I couldn't get up the hill. I kept sliding off and bashing my fanny on the bar. Is that why the bars are different? Yeah, it is. Fanny bashing. Yeah. So we pull over. And he's like, oh my God, babe, what's the matter? And I felt too embarrassed to tell him that it was because I was too unfit and stupid to work out how to use the bike. So I had to tell him I had a really bad headache.

And I was having a migraine. And then we had to push the bikes home and then had to rock myself in a bedroom for two hours and pretend I had a migraine. That is such a good idea. Just need a couple of hours sleep. We go, yeah. And now that was also the same birthday. So bear in mind, we hadn't been going out for particularly a long time. And it was back in the day. Remember when you would go out with somebody, like your boyfriend, and you would owe them money and you'd pay them back for stuff?

yeah go on them to the days so i owed him i can't remember what he bought and i was like i'll give you the money for it so he'd also said tell you what go and get your hair done for part of your birthday and i was like okay yay that's so lovely went off and spent a fortune getting all my hair highlighted and then came back and he went oh I've just remembered um you owe me that hundred quid let's just call it quits

My worst ever present was when I was at university. For my birthday, I get a WH Smith bag from my boyfriend at the time. I really hope it was like six bags of Haribo for six quid. It was. No, babes. It was. A Jessica Simpson CD. I don't even like Jessica Simpson. Who knew she even had enough songs to put on a CD? Was it just a single?

Don't even fucking like Jessica Simpson. And a Prince William book. You know, like an unofficial album of pictures. And I was like, what? Yeah. And it was like, because when I was when I was like. 16, bearing in mind I'm now like 20, but when I was like 16, I really, no, in fact, I was probably younger than that, but I really fancied Prince William and his eating days, you know, when he was, oh, this is your accent here, because I thought you said in his eating days.

Oh, I loved Prince William when he was into pies. I think, I mean, I think buying presents for women is quite easy. Right? I think we've got a lot of options that we can go down. Yes. You know, and again, I might be stereotyping here, but I personally would be very happy with clothes, jewellery, makeup. hair stuff, fancy shampoo, new hair, like tongs or curls, anything like that.

world's your oyster shoes oh my god shoes handbags there are so many things for blokes it's hard isn't it i think it's very limited and you know you find that i'm always on when it comes up to steve's birthday or christmas and i always type in things like presents for

husbands dads and it's always things like craft beer kits and all this kind of stuff one year i did actually get him a craft beer kit um and it was it was possibly a massive error on my part because he then actually went and he did this craft beer so he bought

filled up all of this beer and at the time it was winter when he actually got around to doing it and it was too cold to leave it outside otherwise brought it in brought it in and he left it in the hall for a few days now he'd then gone away with work

for a week and it sat in the hall and it was bottled up. It was in these proper brown ale bottles with the, you know, the... like the stopper caps things that go in yeah and then he'd also bought he'd also bought some kegs like mini kegs so they've just worked up in our hallway he'd gone away with work

unfortunately came back a week later or something and the keg still remained we're sitting down watching tv about to go to bed and we just hear the most almighty eruption coming from our hallway both of us jumped out of our skin what the fuck is that run towards our hallway They'd over fermented and the kegs had exploded. Now in taking the explosion, they had also taken out all the glass bottles. So then all the glass bottles had then exploded and shattered everywhere. There was beer.

running off our ceiling, down our walls, onto the floor. And I think it took us about four hours to clean up. But honestly, the fear then that I had, you know, I relived things that haven't happened. So in my head, the big eggs had exploded and killed our kids. yeah yeah yeah that stayed with me that stayed with me for months and I just kept going imagine so that's it now no one's allowed to brew any beer

So apart from the gifts that Steve never gets, what do you think is the worst gift you've ever given Steve? Oh, see, I do also. it was christmas and it was our first christmas together so actually um we had only been together four months four months for our first christmas together Stop it. You went straight in after four months. Straight into Christmas. I thought you meant straight into somewhere else then. I was like, I think I was going to get you about four dates.

But yeah, straight in. That's quite a big deal. Yeah, straight into Christmas. And I think I spent... Yours? His? I think we'd spent Christmas... I think I spent Christmas at his house as well with his mum and dad. I think. Because he obviously was trying to impress me. This is where he'd gone hard to begin with. Then it dropped off by the time my birthday cruised around in May for the bike and the highlights. Anyway, so he'd gone hard to try and impress me. So I'd opened my present.

from him and he had bought me like all this lovely stuff um but the pinnacle of which was a white gold bracelet with diamonds in I mean, they were chippings. After four months? Yeah, they were chippings. I mean, you know, if you happened to be in the jewellers and they'd done some shavings and things fell on the floor. I would take it. I would take that over a net.

I would take it over an air tag, okay? Yeah, okay. Yeah, fair enough. And I'd take it over a bike as well, to be honest, if I was given the choice again. So he got me this bracelet and as he's opening it, I'm thinking, shit, because my present, I'd got.

for him oh no oh no i'd bought him now okay um again people who aren't familiar with my husband which hopefully a lot of people aren't overly familiar with my husband but it's always a worry isn't it um he's got he's very kind of Mediterranean looking he's got quite dark skin um and I think when I first met him I think that maybe he just joked that he just had a really good

fake tan or something so for his christmas present that he opened up in front of his parents and i bought him a shit belt from top man when it was still going wasn't even wasn't even jesus loves you wasn't a jesus love you also it was top man r.i.p top man um and i'd also bought him a pack of boots fake tan wet wipes

And he had to open this in front of his parents. And he had to open it in front of his parents. And I got a diamond bracelet and he got a top man belt and some effective baby wipes with tannin, which were obviously a joke. Do you know what? It's so hard. That first... christmas when you've first been with like when you've just met somebody it is so hard to know how how how you can't gauge it yeah you don't want to you don't want to be too keen we also don't want to give them a shit tan so

You've just got to get creative, haven't you? That's the way forward. I just thought it was good bands. And then I'm just sitting there looking like the world's tightest person in my diamonds.

I'd met as Steve's parents really early doors, like as in... maybe fifth date and we went out for a chinese banquet meal now we went out for steve's mom's birthday and also all of her friends were there we had this massive table And they knew the owners of the Chinese restaurant. And because I was the new person into the fold, the owners were kind of like, so they brought me to do, right.

A flaming Sambuca tower. I just met these people. I just met all of these people. And Steve's mom, Steve's mom. You know, at the time, rosé was her thing. She loved a glass of rosé. So she was sat to my left and she just kept topping up my glass of rosé. So actually, you know, when you're drinking wine, you don't know how much wine you've actually had because somebody's topping it. So I'd had an absolute skin full of rosé. Anyway.

This flaming tower of Sambuca comes out and I don't know in this social situation how to say I can't do Sambuca because I'll vomit. So I decided the only logical thing to do was to just do the flaming tower of Sambuca. like the initiation into the parents it was meet the parents initiation and all these people in their 50s were like down in That'll be me. When Kit brings his girlfriend round, I'll be like, ole, ole, ole. Come on. Get the sambuca and the lighter out. Come on, love.

So anyway, but I did it and I was so proud of myself. I was like, and I did it. And then about three minutes later, I saw my chow mein again. I had to run to the bathroom. I had to run to the bathroom and I'm heaving in the bathroom. Then Steve's mum has to come and find me. make sure that I'm okay.

and then had to come out had to come out just like shaking like a shitting dog sitting on the table while they all cracked on with the rest of their banquet and i'm just like i'll just have a glass of water please can you just tell me um what was the sambuca flaming sambuca

tower in my head it's like multiple shots yeah all lined all lined up in a little like and then they all like tip down into one so i don't know it was like six on bookers or something or go on fire this is like the most irresponsible parenting i love amanda I know. They're just how to break your son's new girlfriend. Just give a flammable liquid and then watch her heave it back out straight after crispy duck and pancakes.

So I have just been for a wee because, you know, my bladder is the size of a thimble now. And I just walked into the bathroom and it smelled like poo. And I was like, oh. One of my dirty plumbing kids slash husband has left a giant log in the toilet. And I just realized I changed Nate's nappy before and I left it in the sink. So it was my bad. I know. Do you know what? I think it's potentially one of the worst of the worst smells ever.

a nappy bin in a warm public toilet but then you don't have a dog also do you i would say probably i think probably the worst smell I may have come across um from my animal was um when well there's two occasions actually um well the first which is just any time that Millie eats her own poo and then poos out the pooed poo That's always a great day. Excellent projection of Prosecco.

Just using Boo's blanket, you know. Yeah, you are a squirter. Can we just take a minute also to just talk about squirting? Because one of my friends, I'm going to... I'm not going to... I'm not going to tell you which friend it is. But I had a very random conversation with her the other day. And she was like, do you know what? So she went, do you know what? I'm really devastated that I can't do. And I thought she was going to say quantum physics or something.

Squirting. Is this the friend that I think it is? No, it's not, actually. Oh, it's not. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, that's not something that concerns me on a day-to-day basis. But I don't believe it's real. i don't think it's a real thing i think it is because i remember watching did you okay I remember. Jez and I, it was a fun day. We've had a few days. I remember.

No, there was a TV program and it was about this guy who was in the porn. It was like back in the noughties, you must remember it. And it was this guy who worked in the porn industry in like LA and he worked and it was not... porn but it was about the porn industry and like he used to just walk go around filming and producing all these porn movies and i just i vividly remember watching one when they're in the back of a stretch limo

and he's like i've got i've got a squirter and i'm like oh my god no way and honestly you just saw you didn't see it coming out but you just saw it like on the window What a skill. But where does that fluid come from? I just think on a day-to-day basis... I'd just be too dehydrated. I don't drink enough water. So why wouldn't I have a little sensual reserve left to squeeze that, to squeeze it out? Well, it's like, it's your girl juices.

But is this an age thing? I don't know if I have that many girls. I wouldn't have enough girl juices to wash a bloody stretch limo's window. need to get nobody need to get the squeegee out after i'd been in the back my theory is with the squirty girls is which is by the way great name for a um for a pop group

Like the cheeky girls. We are the sweaty girls. Yeah, we are the sweaty girls. Wash my... Didn't they used to have one that said wash my bomb? No. touch my bum oh no touch my bum touch my bum yeah oh my goodness can you imagine now yeah hashtag me too squirt my Thank you. Go to your friends during the 1K match in Romania. Win the Albert Heijn football truck at home with Jean-Marie Pavas commentator. Go to ah.be and wait your time.

got a lover visitor with you now have you so i have i've got natie chops who very kindly has joined me for urban dictionary corner This is brilliant parenting right here, isn't it? He's smiling though he's having a lovely time. Because he's going to be down with the kids. He's here. His first word's going to be like a hot Richard, isn't it? Well, this could be, this is quite a good one for a baby. Naty, Naty Chubs, can you say bink? Can you say bink? Say, mummy, what's a bink? Bink.

Bink. Don't say it, Nate, because you're going to say it in some kind of... child care setting and mummy's going to go to jail okay so i love the way by the way that my husband is just what he knows what i'm doing he's he knows exactly what he just walked in he's just given me a child and just he thinks we're just having a chat he's just like oh he's just lucy

Right, okay. Right, a bink. A bink. A bink. What do you think a bink is, Natty Chop? Hmm. Is it? Is it? Oh. oh i just i feel so you're gonna like this one you're gonna like this one it's very funny kisses kisses kisses um i mean i'm you know i'm picturing because i don't know whether it's because i've got a child sat on my knee i'm thinking it's like a dodie like a like a binky a dummy yeah isn't a binky like a dummy and is it Like a dummy for your nanny or something? That's quick, that's quick.

cute yeah just like no it's not it's not that it's not that no okay then but i like that it's cute hit the computer stop hitting the computer stop hitting the computer stop hitting the computer oh my god where is my husband he's like absolutely wrecking the joint what are you doing I feel like I'm on an easy jet flight all over again. I planned this just so that you could experience my day. Bink. Bink. Bink. Bink. A bink. Hi. A bink is a bink.

Bink. Bink. Bink. Bink. Bink. Did he just say bink? Did he just say bink? Do you want me to tell you what a bink actually is then? I think that's probably for the best. It's quite a cute word though, isn't it? It is cute. Well, that very much depends on what you're about to say next is to how cute the word is, to be honest.

I feel like it's actually something up for discussion. Oh, wait, wait, hold that thought. I've got a slightly older child who's running behind me with a toilet roll. Okay, darling, close the door behind you. There we go. Nana, I love you. Oh, God. Is it safe to bink? It's safe to bink. Okay, right. Okay, before any other children come in. So... is apparently the smaller, less intense bonk that occurs before the actual bonk. Right.

So you do a double bonk. Is it double bonk? I don't see the point. I think it's the sex that you have where it doesn't really turn into anything. So then you just roll over and go to sleep. I think it's marital sex. It's marital sex. Bink is a lovely metaphor for married sex. I think it is. I think it could be. So, um... So yeah, I think it's just quite cute that. Off for a little bink. Off for a bink. Off to drink three bottles of red wine and have a bink.

Are we safe from the ears of little people? There are now no little people in the room with me. So we can go for it. I feel like that could have been a lot worse. It really could have, couldn't it? It could have been an avocado taco, couldn't it? It could have been. So speaking of which, shall I go for something a little bit fiercer? Go on then.

A bink was very tame by our standards. Very tame. I think I thought it was quite cute. Yeah. It's quite cute, little bink. As far as Urban Dictionary goes, yeah, very genteel. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So let's go with this one. What do you think turkey nuzzling is? Okay. Oh. Right. Okay. So in my head, a turkey neck, you know, like the neck, like when you get all like neck skin down here.

is it when you've got so much neck skin that you kind of give like a neck wank is it is it like is is that is that what it is did i get it it is it is rubbing the one's penis against the middle-aged woman's turkey neck to reach climax right but can i also just right i'm very pleased with myself forgetting it not that i've done it by the way guys

that's how I have the inside knowledge of what this is but also back the fuck off young people of Urban Dictionary a middle-aged woman's net like how much next skin do they think a middle-aged woman has got i mean i would have got maybe like a you know an 80 to 90 year old woman but not just not just like someone who's you know on the wrong side of 39 Fuck off. Well, in 2018, a guy called Corn Hungus...

He submitted this one. And here is the example. When I started dating older women, I expected them to be more experienced. I did not know that they were into turkey nuzzling. Right, Corn Hungus sits at home on his own in his pants. And he does kind of like weird video games with other men of the same age. And they talk about all this weird stuff that they've done that they haven't done because they're big virgins. I'm sorry, Cornhungus.

Yeah. Oh, gosh, that's not a thing. It's not a thing. It's not a thing. When we're cougars. Just going around, just rubbing our wrinkly necks all over Toy Boy's willies. Is this the thing, though? You know, when blokes are looking up to, like, cougars, is that what they're looking for? So, you know, we are all about, like, trying to keep this taught, actually.

That's the key to getting a younger man. It's like every whole... Having a funny neck. You're having a funny neck, yeah. Wow. Isn't aging great? Okay, do you want one for the road? Go on. Okay. You ready? Okay, let's dial this up. Let's dial this up to 10. Okay. Okay, Sophie McCann. I don't know if I can say it. Oh, no. Oh, God, if you're doing this, I know it's bad. What is... Oh, no. What is... Growler Mist. Fucking elbow on the plate. Growler Mist.

And I really hope that the growler doesn't make that noise at the same time that it's emitting the mist. Well, obviously it's going to be, does it link back to squirting? Is it part of the previous squirt conversation? Is it on a hot day? You know, when you're on holiday and you're somewhere a little bit fancy. And the waiter comes round and they offer you a drink, a hot towel or just a mist of Evian to the face.

Stop. Where did they do that? Oh, I had that once in Dubai on my honeymoon. Oh, shut up. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, never been there. They came and misted me. I wonder whether it's a brothel equivalent. So if you're a little bit warm. while you're in the brothel, a lady comes up and she offers to growl amidst you and just cool you down. No. No, that's not what that is. No, it's not. Would you like me to tell you?

I mean, I'm just going to have one final stab at this. Go on, go on. Is it when you've had a few kids and something's really funny and you laugh too hard and you growl and missed everyone? Or you just sneeze? And you're like, oh my God, I just growler misted six kids. Sorry. No, but that is brilliant. I think that we should redefine growler mist. Growler mist. For the mums, I think we should redefine growler mist. There we go. Yeah.

Yeah, screw you, Urban Dictionary, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so according to Finners and Fonz in 2016, the growler mist, I might have to bleep out some of the words in this, it is... The fine spray from a woman's growler vagina when using the toilet. As the pea exits the growler at speed and under pressure, the stream can hit the flaps, causing a fine mist to form and settle on the toilet seat. I don't think that's ever happened to me.

Has it ever happened to you? You've growl the misted. No, but just to clarify, this is with urine, not with squirting. Right. Right. That makes this conversation just feel a lot better. Just to hear that one of your mates has just misted her piss on her toilet seat.

But have you never had like a really, really aggressive wee and it splashes? It can be quite misty down there. What? Like gorillas of the mist? No, no, I've never, I've never had such a like high pressure piss that I've misted my toilet seat with it. You've never needed a wee that badly before where it's like comes out at.

a force to be reckoned with. Yeah, but it's gone directly down the toilet. You need to adjust your position. You've got like a weird tilted pelvis or something. I probably have, to be fair. You probably have. You need to tilt down, babes. Right, so seamlessly moving on from Urban Dictionary, it's time for some parenting tales slash fails. What court case have we got for us? Today, Luce, what do we need to put up in front of the judge slash social services today?

Well, you always know it's going to be a good one when they ask to remain anonymous. Ooh, this is true. Yes. Yes. But I also am a big fan of this because it's a follow-up to a previous episode. Oh, that's what we like. We do. So if you haven't already listened... to it go back to episode four um and and and you'll understand why remind me what episode four was we talked about worms oh the bum worms how could i forget sweet dreams Right, so, dear Sophie and Lucy...

Today I listened to your fourth podcast in which you discussed the horror of bum worms. However, although you seem suitably traumatised by the thought of them, I feel like perhaps you are not fully in the know of just how horrendous bum worms can be. Definitely 100% worse than nits. because we were wondering what would be worse, right? Unfortunately, I'm in a position to add to your phobia with my experience. Oh, great. Both my daughters have had them.

In my defence, we live in the south of France. Now, why in her defence, is the south of France very bum-worm heavy? Is it like... Is it like, you know, the film Tremors? Is it they all just walk around a bit too long and then these just gigantic arse tunnelling monsters from hell just burst out of the ground? Well, to be fair...

She has admitted, she said, I like to imagine that the hot weather is the cause of this and it creates a breeding ground, but she has no evidence. It just helps her feel better. Okay, fine. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. So, however, neither of my daughters ever showed any of the usual symptoms. Itchy bum holes.

worms in the poo so I was totally unaware that they had them oh no no this is making me feel very uncomfortable because my sleep at night is by knowing that my child hasn't told me that they've got an itchy bum So now I know that this can maybe happen without the key symptom. You can have that torch out, aren't you? Oh God, spread them kids. Right, go on, continue. Oh God, all right. So.

One night my eldest daughter woke up in quite a lot of pain in her nether regions. She was wiggling, writhing, saying it hurts mummy and pointing to her foo-foo, that's what we call it. At this point, I think I had a quick look and whacked a bit of pseudochrome on, put her back to bed. Good old pseudochrome. Love a bit of pseudochrome. Anyway, an hour later, same thing happened. Again, I had a look but couldn't see anything untoward. So I settled her back down.

Half an hour later and she woke with the same thing. And this time was really in quite a lot of pain. So I decided to investigate properly. Legs akimbo, phone torch out. And that is when I saw it. A white wiggling worm. In her foo-foo. No. No, thank you, Satan. Not today. Sorry, you can get... Vagworms. So, I mean, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse. Vagworms. I know. I still...

I think this is a mythical creature, to be honest. I'm just pretending it's not real. So I didn't know what it was, having never seen a threadworm and not even having investigated them particularly and certainly was unaware that one in the foo was even possible.

Now, this isn't where the parenting fail comes in. I totally freaked out on the inside, like proper hyperventilating, but I kept my cool on the outside, demanded a tissue from my husband, hooked the little fucker out with a rolled up corner. I then spent the whole night...

Googling it. Next day, went straight to the doctors and she informed me that it was totally normal for worms to get lost on their nightly outing and go back into the wrong hole. Oh my God, are they all these, all these worms male? Not one fucker stopping to ask for directions. They're just like, this looks nice. In we go. Straight to the food. Straight to the veg. Offer a taco. So.

What the actual fuck? Who knew? The doctor, apparently. But after spreading my tale to friends and family, no one had ever heard of this. Needless to say, we dosed the whole family with those little pills that you talked about. Yes. Got on with our lives as best we could. Now, here comes the parenting feel. My youngest daughter woke up one night squirming, wriggling, rubbing her legs together, making noises of pain exactly like her sister had done a couple of years before.

Oh, fuck, I thought. I know what this is. I've been here before. And of course this happened on a night when I'm home alone. Always does. Always does. Always does. It's always. It's okay, I thought, I know the drill. Legs akimbo, tissue, roll the corner, hook the fucker out. I've got this. By this point, my daughter was half asleep and she was getting really increasingly distressed, crying, moaning, wriggling around. So I did what anyone would do.

prepared my equipment, got my phone, put the torch on and started to hunt the little bastard down. Suddenly, my daughter sat up, eyes wide open and said in alarm, Mummy, why are you taking photos of my food? Turns out she was just having a bad dream. Oh, no. Now she's going to be telling someone at school that story the next day, isn't she? Oh, no. I mean, that is... That's going to take some explaining away, isn't it?

Yeah, and potentially scarred your daughter. Yeah, and I just think that's going to be one of those stories that the more you try and explain it, the less likely it's going to sound and the weirder you're going to look. But I mean, on the class, there was no vagworm. So, you know, there is a silver lining in that horrendous cloud vagworm story.

What do you think? Do you think it's worth for the daughter who's going to be a little bit scarred by her mother coming in with a torch or worse for the mother who now knows that she's potentially scarred her daughter for life? Which is worse? It's going to be a weird childhood memory, isn't it? That's going to be unlocked by something.

isn't it she's gonna be she's been going for a smear test or something and they're gonna shine the big light in between their legs and she's only gonna she's gonna remember this and just be like what the fuck oh Oh, my goodness. Oh, but now, hang on. Do you get worms as adults? Yes. They're not choosy over an arsehole. They like an old one. They like a young one. They like a middle-aged one. They're probably there just turkey-necking them as well, aren't they? Just trying to get in everywhere.

Any hole's a goal. Any hole is a goal. If you're a worm, apparently. Oh, my God. Well, thank you, Mrs. Anonymous from the South of France. Thank you. Stop going around with your camera phone in the middle of the night. Is that the learning for this week? What's the learning for this week? that if you are going to go um hunting out bum worms or vag worms and just go with like a good old-fashioned flashlight don't take your phone involved it's just safer for all concerned evelyn's been in uh

Getting some toilet roll. Is there an itch? She's on her own, isn't she, really, if that's the case? Sorry, love. Leave the pseudochrome on the door. There's mummy's phone and a flashlight.

Good luck. See you in the morning. Good luck. Right. We want more of them. We do. We want more of your parenting fails and tells. If we could just knock bum worms on the head now for everyone's. sake really if i'm being honest if we could maybe diversify to just maybe a different parasite that would that would be grand that would be lovely um so if you have any stories you can send them into the email address which is lucy TiedandTestedAtACast.com. That's TiedandTestedAtACast.

with a T in the end, dot com. I will learn that one day. I mean, you're here, so I don't need to do that as yet. And I guess that just nicely, fairly rounds up this week's episode. We will be back next week with more of the same... slash not quite as many bum worms um and yeah

Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.