The Conker Story and Sani Pad Glory

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Starring Harriet Dyer and Tim Meadows, DMV is here to serve you laughs. Watch October 13th at 8.30, 7.30 Central on CBS and streaming on Paramount+. It's me, Sophie, not wanting to use and abuse my own podcast or anything, but thought I'd just remind you that my brand new stand-up show, One Foot in the Rave, is going to be kicking off in a few weeks. I'm going to be heading to theatres across the UK and Ireland from February. You can get your tickets.

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everybody and welcome to episode two of series two of the tired and tested podcast oh loose it's a joy to be back baby an absolute joy it is it is now are you ready for this week's level of debauchery Are your lips ready for this week's level of debauchery? Cannot confirm yes or no. I think we'll have to do a tequila shot and see how that goes down. Anyone up for a little bit of boozy newsy?

So, Luce, what else has been happening during our hiatus? I feel like we've got so much to fill everybody in with. I went on a hen do. Oh, show up. Went on a hen do, had a wedding, turned 40 and then started suffering from heartburn. Oh, you did? You mystery heartburns itch? Literally. I think it was a week before I turned 40 and then went...

Well, yeah, welcome to 40. I've never had heartburn. Oh, my God, I thought I was having a heart attack. I know. You messaged me incessantly telling me this. I know. So what happened was I kind of knew it was heartburn. It was just getting worse and worse and worse. So I ended up going, I was trying.

All of the heartburn remedies. And if you've never had heartburn before, fuck me, you'll know about it. It's probably because you're still 37. Exactly. But when you hit 40 in a couple of years, it'll hit you. And honestly, I was trying all these remedies. And then it got to the point, I think it was midnight. I woke up I was lying in my bed and I was like oh my god I felt like my chest was so much pain so we're trying all these different things and then Jez said

do you think you should ring 111 and just see what they would suggest? You and one. I reckon your number. Hang on. When you call 111, it's like the... bat phone goes off like there's like a special thing and they go fucking hell it's Lucy yeah with the fringe yeah and is it to answer it oh god go on go on Linda you go because what you're asking it is this time fucking hang on

Glass houses. Anyway. Sorry, there was only the Conquer incident for me and I hardly ever call 111 and I won't now call 111 after the Conquer incident. We'll circle back. We might be there now. We might be.

So no. So anyway, I knew it was heartburn. I rang 111 to try and get some sort of a remedy. It was in the middle. It was at 12 o'clock. So anyway, I rang 111, go through all of the questions and they were like, have you got this? Have you got this? And I'm going, no, no, no, no. I'm like, it's heartburn. It's heartburn. I'm like. Right, okay, so because it's chest pain, I'm going to have to send it down to A&E and I was like, no!

She's like, oh my God. So then I had to go and sit in A&E in Newcastle at about half past midnight. And you can only imagine what A&E at the RBI is like. Well, I mean, I've seen what is going to... a and a from that time that you took me to cozy joe's what do we call what do you call it the meat market

The big market. The big market. Okay, the meat market, yeah. It's basically Newcastle's version of the meatpacking district. Oh, it's not. It's not. And outside of Cozy Joe's and I was waiting for my Uber and a girl just squashed down.

to me and started having to piss and because it was on a downward slope and I had to stand out the way because it was just free flowing like a flash flood down the road so anyway yeah I had art burn went went to our uni it was very late I had to sit there wait to get an ECG

for them to say you're fine, but you should probably wait to see a doctor. I'm like, what's the waiting time? They're like probably four and a half, five hours. I was like, I'm going to discharge myself. I know it's heartburn. They're like, yeah, I think it's heartburn. Can't say that, but I think it's heartburn. Yeah, I know it's heartburn. Thank you very much. Have a runny's and fuck off. Fuck me. Yeah. So yeah. So, yeah, absolute, absolute drama queen. This is 40. This is 40. Hashtag 40.

Health anxiety. Yeah, do we need to tell the Conquer story then? Please. Okay, so yeah, let's circle back to I have wanted you to tell this story for so long because honestly, when it comes to being batshit crazy, I mean...

For a split second, you might have had a point. But after that split second, there was no... Go on. What happened? Do you want me to tell it? No, I can recount it. And yeah, I'm not at the point where I can laugh about it. But I'm at the point where I can... share it so it was it was last autumn so not even this autumn so nate had

He'd only just turned... Was he still, like, super baby? Yeah, because he would have been... No, he turned one. No, he wouldn't. Oh, yeah, September. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he would have just turned one. Just turned one. And the kids had been out collecting conkers, the big kids, and had brought...

back into the house and one of them had smuggled some conkers upstairs and now I had seen this one conker in the bathroom and I kept going god I need to pick that conker up but in my head I'd rationalized if Nate gets hold of it It's too big for him to do any damage with it. He's not swallowing it because it's massive. So I'd had that going around in my head. And then the window changed and I hadn't picked the Conqueror up. And then I'd walked through.

our bathroom we've got a jack and jill bathroom so these from the hall into the bathroom into our bedroom and i'd walked through nate was happily playing with some bath toys next to the empty bath by the way before you all shot me to social services he's sat there playing with the empty bath toys

And the conker was on the floor next to him and I had some washing in my hands. So I was like, right, I'm going to pick that conker up. Now's the time to pick the conker up. So I walked through, put the washing on the bed. Walked back in just as Nate's flushing the toilet. Now, this is a key part of the story. Nate, he was going through a toilet flushing phase. So he's flushed the toilet. I've gone, oh, Nate can flush the toilet, worth knowing. Went to go and pick the conker up.

The conkers disappeared. I was like, where the fuck is that conker? So I'm on my hands and knees in the bathroom under all of like the cabinets and things looking for the conker. The conker's not there anywhere. And I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, where's the conker? Now, my rational part of the brain said, he's just flushed that conker down. the toilet my bat shit crazy side went

he swallowed that conker and he's about to choke to death on it, right? He was fine. He was just sitting there just happy as Larry. So I'm like, oh my God. So I'm like, okay, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? So I've messaged Steve and Steve immediately is like, he hasn't swallowed a fucking conker. He's won.

And his actual message back to me was, could you swallow a conker? Exactly. That was my response as well. I went, well, if I really tried, I could swallow a conker. I was like, who knows the capability of a one-year-old's thorax, okay? You'd be like an Anna fucking conker.

thunder over here just dislocating his jaw and swallowing the whole thing so i was like okay okay so i've managed to kind of squash it but then i have a thing that like if i push something to the back of my mind it just grows and grows and grows and grows and grows and grows and just completely overwhelms me so steve got

from work I then decided to go out to try and find a conker then didn't have any other conkers in the house to test to see whether I could flush a conker because in my head I was like conkers don't flush conkers float

It's like a witch trial. I was like, that's not... I just couldn't see the logistics of it because it was an old conker as well, so it dried out quite a bit. So I've gone out in the dark, by the way, to try and find a conker. We're past conker season now by this point. Conkers have well... truly gone out with my phone like trying to find all these conkers on the ground came back couldn't find a conker then get on to Lucy in despair to say I can't find a conker to which she replies

One of my friends was saying about how her kid has got loads of conkers. Let me ask her to flush the conker for one. I've got this random person in Newcastle I've never met. He's just gone and stolen one of her kids' conkers and is flushing it down the toilet with video evidence that did actually show that the conker was flushed down the toilet. So I kind of went, okay.

That's fine. I can live with the fact that the conker has been flushed down the toilet. I can do that. And I'd also read that conkers were highly poisonous as well. So if he was going to swallow it, it could really make him poorly. So I was like, okay, okay, okay. Rationalised, he was fine. Get into bed. then wakes up at about one o'clock in the morning and vomits. At this point, I've lost my shit completely because in my head, the conker is digesting in his stomach.

and is slowly releasing toxins into him. Now, at this point, Steve's like, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. And I was like, no, Steve, I've got to call 111. He was like, what the fuck are you going to say to 111? And I was like, I don't know, I just can't live with myself if he has swallowed a conker and it kills him and I didn't do anything about it because I thought it wouldn't be possible for a one-year-old to swallow a conker. So I called 111.

lovely lady on the end of the phone was very calm talking it through me and she validated me she told me I'd done the right thing and they would get a doctor to call me back so a doctor then does to be fair pretty swiftly call me back and I'm running through this scenario with him and honestly his voice and he was like right he was like could you swallow a conker I was like fuck off

Do you know what this reminds me of? You know that in Home Alone, that bit where the mom... rings rings home and she's like i need to get home to my eight-year-old son and then hi ma'am hi ma'am and then crazy online too that's what she was doing she was like you've done exactly you've exactly you've done exactly the

right thing ma'am and then while he's eating his doughnut and it's that doughnut looks delicious by the way when he's eating that doughnut doesn't it oh but yeah they're like psycho one right too psycho one right too here she is it was like that but i don't think he was i don't i don't think he was just really i mean god love him it was patron a little patronizing but i mean he did a good job of putting my mind at ease though he was like i he was like i think

It's like four o'clock in the morning. He's like, I think it's highly unlikely. that your one-year-old baby has swallowed a gigantic conker. It would have got lodged in his throat. He would have known that he was choking on it. He's not just going to have swallowed it and it's gone down. So I was like, okay.

Thanks so much. Then hang up. Then he called me back 10 minutes later and I was like, what? And he went, I've just had a chat to my colleagues. They basically had like a laugh about this. Psycho would like to! They've had a laugh about this. And he said... also he said conkers are highly toxic and he's like so even though he has been sick he would have been sick

A long time ago. So even though they told me all of this, for a year afterwards, any time Nate got a stomach ache or had any kind of fever or anything, that was it for me. It was the conker had gone into his bed. and it had cut off all the blood supply and he was going to die. And I honestly, like this has been one of the most traumatizing incidents of my parenting career with Nate. Nate versus Conquer. Do you know the number of times I've gone? Can we tell the Conker story yet?

You're like, absolutely not. No! I'm like, oh, one day. Oh, one day. And we got the conker. And we're finally, he's nearly two and a half. And I don't think the conker's still in. I don't think the conker's in there. I think we're okay now to tell that story. But honestly, yeah, just really, really true. So that's the Conker story. Yay. I got sent home a picture for boys.

from nursery, I swear to God, the photographer has photoshopped my baby to give him a straight face. Oh, God, I need him. I need him. Right? Because, right, my Bowie, love him. He's got quite a comedy face. Do you know what I mean? Aww. No, in a cute way. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, all right, baby. No, no, as in, as in, like, you're, you're dead.

sly because he looks like a little like a cartoon character he's got these big eyes yeah and i swear to god the photographer has gone oh my god so i need to contact and i was like I'm not buying that that doesn't even look like myself so I'm going to contact and be like oi

enough of this photoshopping business i don't want him airbrushed um so jack's had his high school photo no i've not bought it shit is it yeah because it's like his ties all skew with his hair's a mess and i was just like you know like in primary school that these make some kind of effort

to brush their hair not in high school they're just like get in there you and he's like just this weird thing when he smiles I mean maybe he needs a lip flip um maybe he doesn't but he's like pulls a really weird face he's like he's having a poo he's like Like that. So I've not been buying it. Right. Anyway. We don't let you know. Yeah. If you're a photographer and you put a photograph.

Kids, we know. Shame on you. Shame on you. Airbrushing our babies. Although Jack's first reception photo, he had to be airbrushed because they did it after lunch and he'd had beans. And they... He sat there. Honestly, he had beans all around his mouth on this picture. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And they sent it to me. And I had an absolute runt at the photographer. I was like, are you for real? Psycho-enlighted!

So they have to Photoshop the bean juice off his face. Okay, right. There's nothing worse than bean juice, is there? Oh, no. Oh, God, not again. When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom's 60th. And never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end-to-end encryption.

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Will full coverage make me look cakey? Is my undertone neutral or is it cool? We get it. Finding the right foundation is hard. But with Il Makiage, it's easy to find your perfect match online. Customize for your unique skin tone and coverage needs. Plus, with Try Before You Buy, you can try your full size at home for 14 days.

With over 600,000 five-star reviews, this best-selling foundation is going viral for a reason. Take the Power Match quiz now at illmakiage.com slash quiz. I-L-M-A-K-I-A-G-E dot com slash quiz. This episode is brought to you by The Lego Group. As parents and caregivers, finding ways to talk to children about how to stay safe online can actually be fun.

The LEGO Group's free LEGO Build and Talk activities help families navigate important online safety and well-being topics, such as cyberbullying and screen time, through the universal language of play. Search LEGO Build and Talk to find out more.

and help your child thrive online. So following on from last week's I think highly successful boozy newsy feature, at least I've got a follow on. I've got a story that rolls from Bananagate. into this week, I've got another banana story. But before I go into it, in order to officially be Boozy Newsy, we need to do another tequila. Are you ready? No, no. Chin, chin. Happy Boozy Newsy Day.

Oh my God, what have you just put in front of me? A seltzer. A seltzer? For heartburn? No, not an Alka-Seltzer. What is it? I thought it was like, oh, you've had a bit too much tequila. Here, have a Rennie. It's sparkling water with a little bit of... Oh. White claw! Lovely. Okay, right, okay. Boozy Newsy, mark two. Go on. Only 95 calories as well. Perfect. Banana duct tape to a wall sells for 6.2 million auction.

A real banana? Yeah, look at this picture. A real banana? Look, also, I'd die because look how many bruises are on it. I'm sorry. Yeah. So, okay, audio listeners. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, audio listeners, this is a picture of what I would say to be a fairly substandard banana, actually. I would never buy this banana. just gaffer taped like a hostage situation.

to a piece of white cardboard. And this has gone for $6.2 million. This is real. This is a legit news story, okay? Legit news story. So the controversial art piece called... I thought this is why I'd like it. I feel like it's all the bananas that I've rejected. Yeah, it is. I think this has probably been made by the manager of the Melbourne Athenaeum Theatre.

Who lost his mind going out to find me the perfect banana. And she's gone, fuck this shit. I can make some money back now. Spent $75,000 on a nana and she didn't even fucking like it. I'm not going to be allowed back to Australia for so many reasons. And I think my impression of Australia... I don't know how my mouth's going to get. I think that my impression of Australia...

This is like an experiential activity with you today. It's just hilarious. Look at your face, man. Look at her face. Just one for the ASMRs. Have a wank to that one. Sophie. Sophie, man. Oh, my God, you filthy bitch. Right. Oh, God, again. She's off. She's off. Okay, right. Look at her. God, laughing at me and jokes. Come see me on tour, guys. February to October. 2025. Okay, right.

Okay, right. So this is the news that goes with this story. Okay. Bidding started at $800,000 and quickly escalated. People have got too much fucking cash. I'm sorry, what? And our NHS is on its knees? Well, exactly, right? A banana duct tape tool. Wall has sold for 6.2 millions which is 4.9 in Sterling at an auction in New York the conceptual art piece called Comedian became a viral sensation after Italian artist Maurizio Cantellan debuted at

Art Basel Miami. I don't need to know the finer details. Okay, so, but what happened? Okay, so it then gets weirder because while it was being bid for, this happened. At one point, someone took the banana off the wall and ate it. that's not even the original banana because at some point like during this whole bidding process someone got bored and peckish and went

Why is that banana duct taped to a wall? I'm just going to take it off and have a snap. So the original banana got eight. And so now it's just been replaced with another banana. And so, okay, the guy who's bought it. Okay. Justin Sun, founder of cryptocurrency platform, of course he has, Tron has paid 6.2 million for him at auction, along with a certificate of authenticity that gives him the authority to duct tape. any banana to a wall.

and call it comedian so he can eat this banana as many times as he want and still stick a northern banana back up on the wall and still claim that it's like worth 6.2 um so he says um but the latest version won't last long because he's going to eat it additionally this is him this is justin quotes additionally in the coming days i will personally eat the banana as part of this unique artistic experience honoring its place in both art history

popular culture oh my god don't do bitcoin guys okay don't do bitcoin don't do bitcoin and drive like that is What the fuck is going on in this world? 6.2 million. At one side, you've got fucking Putin and the other side, you've got this comedian. Me. Hi, guys. Fuck this. So I'm thinking now, what I can duct tape to a wall and sell it as art, Steve. Just get like some kinky bonded shit. Get him holding a banana, a banana in his mouth and duct tape into a wall. A jar of mayonnaise.

Drop mayonnaise and take it to a wall. That's it. Done. 6.2 million in the bank. Let's amend your rider. Yeah. Who wants it taped to a wall. She's still eye maintenance in any sense, but it will make you 6.2 million. I'm going to sell it back to you at the end as well, 6.2 million. So there we go. I think this concludes this week's Boozy Newsie. Okay Liz, I've missed it. I've missed it babe. Shall we do a little bit of...

Urban Dictionary Corner. I think that was the right jingle that I did for it, right? Yeah. Urban Dictionary Corner, which I think is a slight plagiarism of Poddington Peas. Down at the bottom of the garden. I think, maybe. Anyway.

What have you got for me this week? I'm excited. Right. So do you know what I thought I'd do? I'm a little bit out of practice though, by the way. I know. So I thought I would ease you back in. The whole purpose of this feature when we first started was to see if you were still down with the kids. Then we just started talking about things where you always thought it was just ramming some sort of frozen cock up. But to be fair, a lot of the time I was fairly accurate. You were.

But do you know what I thought I would do? I had a little look and I thought I would actually test you on the most common slang words of today. Right. It's going to be quick fire. You're going to tell me if you know what they are. Okay. All right? All right. Yeah, let me limber in. Okay. All right. So. Sus. Oh, I know this because I've got a kid. Like, it's just really dodgy. Like, yeah, Jack's like that to me all the time. Oh, my God, it's so sus. Like, weird. Why would you?

Bet. Oh no. So, okay. I would say as in like, as in putting a bet on, but I know that's not probably right. You bet with Matthew Kelly. It's my cartoon. It's not you, Beth. It's not you. Okay, it's not. That means an expression that means I agree. Oh, good news. That makes no fucking sense. Right, next one. Yeet. It sounds like maybe you need caniston for it.

No, no. Is that not what the kids are saying? Oh, babe, are you itchy? You look a bit yeet. No. So this is to violently throw an object that you deem to be worthless or inferior in the bin. What? Hang on. Hang on. Say the sentence. I've just yeeted. Yeet. Well, I don't know. Is it a noun? Is it a verb? If you yeet something... You just throw it away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, cap. I'm going to... I'm going to... I'm going to pop a...

Capping your ass? Is it a bit 50 cent? No? It's another word for lying. Oh, no, I did not know that. It can be used like no cap or you can say stop capping. Oh, in which case I'd be like lowercase or uppercase. Right, bussing. Bussing. Oh, I feel like I know bussing. Bossing is when you get on the school bus and you sit in the wrong place. And Don Julio takes you out. It's what you'd say is something's really good.

Oh, my God, babe. Buses. Okay, okay. Drip. So, okay, I feel like it... the obvious thing to say would be like it's a bad thing like you're a drip like you're a bit pathetic is that oh is that right no no okay so uh so okay so okay that would have been the obvious a drip i feel that now the kids have maybe flipped it they flipped the drip um so

So a drip is like something that's like mega cool. Oh my God. It was so good. Like they were so, like they were really turned on by it. Like if I saw Channing Tatum dripping. Well, it means something's very cool. It doesn't mean that you're actually wet. Oh my God, I dripped. I dripped. Oh my God, I broke the seat. I broke the seat when I dripped. Hang on. All right, I've sorted it. Got it. Right. Oof. Oof. There it is. Like, oof. Oof. That's a bad thing that happened. Oof.

Oof, no way. I'm going to give you a... Maybe. It means it can be used to express discomfort, stress or sadness. So when you're having a smear test, oof. Yeah, okay. Right, thinner. Finner. You finished. You finished, Shawnee. Steve, it's been three and a half hours. Have you done yet? No, I've not finished. I'm 40. It's a lot more difficult now. No. It's an abbreviation of fixing to normally means going to. No. No. You'll know shook.

As in I'm shooketh. Like, I cannot believe that is just... Yes! Mid. A mid. You are just average. You're middle of the road. Like you just nothing. Nothingy. You're so mid. Oh my God, babe. You're so mid right now. It actually means it's to insult or to grade something. Well, yeah, because you're just so basic. You're just so average. Labeling it as average.

Poor quality. I don't think it's about person. If you're average, like middle of the road. I'd give me that point, to be honest. Right. That's middle. Okay. Oh, what's this one? Hold this L or you took an L. Sorry, what the fuck? What did you just say? Hold this L. Hold this L. Or you took an L. It's not drugs. No, I have no idea. It's what someone says to another person when they lose something. Oh. If you lose, hold this L. NPC. Oh, I think I know this. Non-playing character.

Someone, regardless of their views, who doesn't think for themselves. No, that's not what that is then. I thought it was a fortnight oriented. I think I did quite well there. I think you got about 20%. I think, yes. I think in my son's eyes, I'm cool. Can I just tell you though why I'm officially now cool?

my kids eyes because um prime as in the drink contacted me on instagram and asked if i would like some free samples of prime no i don't agree with prime on a principle i think it's full of shit however my 11 year to be 12 child at Jaws Prime and thinks it's the coolest thing that ever was and so I went Of course, send it over, Sean and Paul and KPI. You can send me that Prime and I will talk about it on the gram for you. So they sent it to me and I did a story saying so. And I am...

officially dead cool. I told Jack that this was happening as well. And so I knew he was going to be on the bus on the way home from school. So I messaged him, I screenshot him the Instagram message that came in and I was like, oh my God, Jack, guess what? KPI and Sean Paul are sending me...

me some prime and then all his mates are on the boss he's then he's voice messaged me going what what is this real is this and all his mates are back going what jerk your mum's so cool i wish my mum had a sponsorship deal with prime and i was like fucking yeah And then he's going to look back at this video one year and go, oh, actually, I take that back. She's not cool. She's not cool. No. Psycho online too. Right. Shall we do a quick Urban Dictionary Corner?

Like the good old day ones? Okay, right. Okay. Sophie McCartney, what do you think a butt faucet is? A butt faucet, okay. Is a butt... a faucet oh it's like when you've got diarrhea that's what i would have thought is it no heart like you just can't stop like it's just this uncontrollable leak coming out of your ass that's a butt faucet surely no okay i'm gonna have another go at this one last go

is a butt faucet when a little bit like squirting i'm gonna go with here i'm gonna say a butt faucet is very much like um i don't know let's say there's a fire let's say there's a fire and um I think they have these in America and I'm judging this mainly on what limited information that I have from watching Disney's planes. Fire. Fire. Disney's planes.

fire rescue film and the planes they dive into the water and they scoop up a load of water like they open their hatch and they scoop up the water and then they go and they fly over the forest fire and they let the water out yeah so I would say a butt faucet yeah is when somebody in a sexual nature... Maybe it goes to a bidet. I'm thinking it's a bidet sitch and the water has been injected.

quite high speeds into their rear end they've sucked it off like a colonic yeah like into the bone hole okay they've clenched closed it Closed it. And then they've waddled over to wherever they need to go. And they put out the fire. With their ass. In. Butt faucet. Where they put the poo water. Poo water, just anywhere they want the poo water going on. Like a golden shower. Yes, but brown. A butt faucet shower. Brown shower. Brown shower. Is it around a shower? Is it around a shower? It's not.

Oh my God, I'm sweating. Right, a butt faucet is someone who talks like they know everything about anything, but the only thing that comes out of their mouth is pure shit. So it's me. Lovely. Good to know. Sophie was a buttforter at poker last night.

You are above 40. Oh, I've missed this, baby. You ready for a little bit of Parenting Tales slash Parenting Fails? Parenting Fails slash Parenting Tales? What have you got for us this week? Lucy with the Fringe. This is a good one. It's not actually from a parent either. It's from somebody who works in a nursery. Oh, they're spilling the dirt. They're spilling the tea. Also. Which is, I believe, what the cool people say. I think this almost had social services. Oh, no. Okay. Right, so...

Been waiting for you guys to come back. I've got a wild story. Haha. Yeah. So, I work in a nursery here in UAE, which I believe is Dubai. Yes, or Abu Dhabi. Okay, fair, fair. And you need to keep in mind that in some families... Okay, got you. I paused, looked at her and said, okay. I asked, okay, what were you doing there? And she just said, playing.

I left it there and obviously reported it to my manager. Good. We don't do that back in the UK. Anyway. No, she can't say that. Cut a long story short. The next day, I asked the mother casually. Had she had a bath recently? She said somebody joined her in the bath. She looked at me and said, oh yeah, her uncle is three years old. She has told so many people she's been bathing with her uncle. I died. It's a good job. Nobody called the police.

social services it's all good it's all good i imagine they didn't take too kindly to that either in the ua so uh good okay It's a happy, oh God, it's a happy ending not in that way. Excellent. Good. Yay. That's a cracker. That's a belter to kick things back off again. Excellent.

Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous two-year contracts, they said, what the f***? Are you talking about you insane Hollywood?

So to recap, we're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. See details. This episode is brought to you by The Lego Group. As parents and caregivers, finding ways to talk to children about how to stay safe online can actually be fun.

The LEGO Group's free LEGO Build and Talk activities help families navigate important online safety and well-being topics, such as cyberbullying and screen time, through the universal language of play. Search LEGO Build and Talk to find out more. and help your child thrive online. So, as we bounce around with some former ideas, we love our Barrington Teal slash feels. We do. However...

We were talking about some of the debauchery that we used to get up to when we were younger, didn't we? And then we thought, actually, let's widen the net. And, you know, let's just throw it back to when we... We're young. Do-do-do-do-do. Can I just say, though, I love that when you did that, the leather couch that you was that odd just farted at the same time in a really old version.

So we are looking for stories of, like I say, tales I don't think the youth of today would be able to compete with. No, they wouldn't. I think university circa 2002. words like to 2006 seven so they're the glory days aren't they yeah that that is the time really that we're looking for so continue with the parenting tales Oh, my God. Boozy news is it. So continue with your parenting tale slash feels. But also...

We want to hear just some epic tales from the early noughties when you were footloose and fancy free. And I believe, Sophie, you're going to kick off proceedings for an excellent story. When you were saying about this feature, I was like, oh my God, like this shit that we got up to at Universe.

so my friend amy uh that is her real name i'm not gonna give her surname but my friend amy and she was notorious for getting up to all sorts of universities she was the instigator she was that friend that you could just go go and do this amy and amy would go and do it so amy worked for an experiential company which i think probably back in 2000 and when did i go to university too that was probably quite a new one

upcoming concept like an event yeah like an event flyering yeah so she had yeah so this agency had brands that would come to them and she would have to then give away products to students yeah just down the student union on campus would give out whatever so she i think like she had a a brand of noodles that were potted um

But the thing was with Amy was that she was more than happy to take the money to do said experiential work. She didn't quite follow through on the distribution. So you go into Amy's room. And from floor to ceiling, there would be boxes of whatever she had been sent that she hadn't quite got round to handing out yet. One of these particular products was quite a large delivery of what?

body form, body form for you. So she had this absolute... ton of sanitary packs sat in the corner of it all as a resident yeah one night we'd had a bit too much to drink and and we decided that we would make quite good use of said sanitary towels and um i had a boyfriend at the time and i i'm not gonna name and shame him I actually love him and Steve loves him as well it's like that weird thing when you know you've got a boyfriend that just everybody loved him but he had cheeses on me so

you know like you know but like university cheating you just snogged somebody on a night owl you played with sanitary towels so you know okay i only played for the sanitary towels as a result of the cheating oh really yeah okay so he had previously cheated on me we'd broken up at this point um I was fine. I was fine about it. I was totally over it. So in the dead of night, Amy and I took, I would say, circa 5,000 sanity.

No, said boyfriend. How many boxes is this? It was a lot of boxes. And to be fair, this was excellent commitment to the course, considering how drunk we were at the time. And we found said boyfriend, ex-boyfriend's car. He had a car at university. It was after Evo. the night eve out leads We found his car and he had a white Volkswagen polo. It wasn't a particularly new one, but he had a white polo. And we decided that his white polo needed a little bit of a facelift. Glow up.

painstakingly removed the backing paper of about 3,000 square feet an hour. It took us about six hours. He took them to every inch of his car. So when he woke up in the morning, he had a giant chicken sonny bash car. I can't describe it to you. didn't discover it till the morning till he had to go up to university running late because he'd been a bit ongoing from the night before and i think that's probably probably one of my standout University when we were young!

Oh my goodness. Brilliant. I mean, I think that everybody had, me and Lars, we used to have a job flyering and we used to literally walk into town. We lived quite close. Walk into town. check-in it was like one of those old time stamps we used to oh my god did you get to university in 1950

Clearly. But we used to have to check in and then we'd walk back home, get into bed and have a three hour nap before we went out. And I remember there was this one night, right? One day, should I say, it would have been an afternoon with students. And we went and we checked in and we went. went back and we had like all these boxes of flyers like a bit like the sanitary pads yeah and we had all these boxes and flyers and then anyway i'm lying in bed having a little afternoon pre-disco nap

Lars comes running into my room going, Lizzie, our boss has just rung me and I was half asleep. So she said, she answered and she went, hello? And she was like, hi laura it's and she was like oh hi and she was like where are you she went oh we're just we're just blaring in a respectful area in jesmond and she went oh It's quiet. So anyway, we jumped out of bed, grabbed a box of flyers and then ran around Jasmine just like...

fly her in there. Just in case she drove by. Just littering. Can we also circle back to the fact that Loz's real name is Laura. No, I don't know what I thought her name was. I thought she'd just been christened Loz. This is what we want. This is what we want. Yeah, and I look forward to hearing these. So if you don't have children, and do you know what? It's usually the friends.

story that everyone's got a friend that's done something funny and we will not we won't reveal their names if they don't want to but yeah come on give us a laugh let's judge and let's show the

kids of the day. And we did it back in the noughties. Naughty by name, naughty by nature. I actually think I've got a picture of the cast somewhere. I'm going to dig that out. We'll see if we can post this on the socials. Amazing. Oh, another episode done and dusted, Ailey. Second. one in the bag thanks thanks for coming with the fringe thanks for entertaining the fringe yeah no no sweaty now no sweaty fringe thanks for entertaining the lip

It's the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it, really? If you have enjoyed this week's episode, as always, if you want to leave us a cheeky little review, that always helps with the algorithm, apparently. Does it not? I think so. Yeah, unless you leave a shit one because we don't want those. And if you would like to send us your parent details, slash fail, or...

One of your when we were young stories, you can do so by sending them to Lucy. It's hideandtestedatacast.com. One day, babe. It'll come back. It's going to be one day. One day. And also, let's not forget. You've got tickets to your tour. Oh, yeah. Do you want to come see me on tour? I'll make sure she's had the lip flip. Yeah, the lip.

I can't have the lip flip on top. Can you imagine me doing an hour's odd worth of stand-up with the lip flip? I would pay to come and see you every single time to come and see you. I feel like just a good 10 minutes of it should just be you trying to drink out of a straw.

to be honest, or maybe doing a Craig David the proper way. Oh, God. Well, it's been a good life lesson. Don't get Botox close to having to talk professionally for a living. I think every day is a school. Or do if you're a comedian. Hit the jingle. This podcast is brought to you by eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. What makes eHarmony so special? You. No, really, the profiles and conversations are different on eHarmony, and that's what makes it great.

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