Pre-tour Terrors and Straightener Errors

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Sophie McCartney here, just casually reminding you that I am now on tour across the UK and Ireland with a brand new stand-up comedy show, One Foot in the Rave. Thank you so much to everybody who has been, who has bought a ticket at Northern Wales. Can you sort yourselves out there? Well, you never come to... north wales well now i am i'm coming to land i don't know and where the fuck are you tickets are available at lifenation.co.uk

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Get started today at linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. Well hi there everyone and welcome to another episode of the Tired and Tester podcast with me Sophie McCartney and as always I have to say a very beautiful looking Lucy with the French this morning and the short the new short what is this now technically is this a lob is it a well i asked i was gonna say is it a chode but i think that's a chubby penis isn't it

I wouldn't say like a lob or a chop or something, a chop, but in my head I went to a chode and that's, I think, is a chode a chunky bean? Well, is that what I look like? A little bit, actually, don't I? You do a little bit, actually. Now you've mentioned it. A beige bellend is what you are. But lovely. Lovely bangs up front on the bellend. Bellend bangs.

Thanks, thanks. I asked for a chunky, I asked for a chunky bob. A choppy, choppy. A choppy, which I think is where I got to, yeah, okay, as you were. I'm excited today.

Why? Why do you think? Oh, is it the same reason why I've had the nervous poo? So, potentially. I'm very excited because today is... It's tour day. It's the tour day. It's the first day of Sophie's 2025 One Foot in the Rave tour and I am going to be there.

I'm glad that you're excited no I am excited actually I am but I just obviously have to stand there and do it whereas you get to sit and watch it and have a lovely time and I and so it's quite different you and I have quite different experiences of me being on tour Tell you what, five minutes in, once I've read the room and I know how the land lays.

generally speaking, I'll then start enjoying it. There's only probably been two tour dates of my life and I won't go into detail where I've got on and I've gone, oh no. One of which was on a boat. Yeah, one of which was on a boat, to be fair.

Do you know what? I'm actually feeling quite relaxed, I think, about this tour. I think I messaged you last night, didn't I? Just being like, I should have probably been rehearsing, but I was fanning around doing something else. And I still will get nervous and I am excited, but I genuinely... think that that show on the boat has helped to mentally prep me because I don't think I could now ever be faced with a worse situation than a whole set talking about like

blowjobs and sexy time and spunk and cheers and then like the front row just being 75 like I just so I think I'm fine now I think if they've got over the stage fight issues you're welcome Didn't feel like it at the time, though, did it? When I went on my full-on diva strop at you. Yeah, it was a bit scary. Did you just burr? No, I just went... Oh, right, I thought you... Um...

Right. Shall we talk about one of the things that we're keen is for people to send us little reviews if they're enjoying the podcast? Oh, yeah. Well, do you know what? We always appreciate a review. It's lovely when people take the time to leave a review also.

i believe the algorithm quite likes it and you know maybe pushes the the pod out further and wider um but yeah we've had some we've had some lovely reviews i believe loose if you got some we said that we were going to read out our favorites right

Yeah, so if you are, if you would take like literally 25 seconds to just wherever you're listening to this, just click on tap to rate or if you're on Spotify, Apple, wherever you listen to your podcast. And what we're going to do is we're going to read out. some of our favorites so um i'm going to give you a couple of really lovely ones okay oh because i've not seen these yet so um

Hang on, sorry. That sounds like you're about to say, I'm going to give you some really lovely ones and then I'm going to give you, let's see if this feels like a shit sandwich. Hang on, hang on. So first I'm going to give you a really lovely one and then you're going to cry.

Some really loved ones. So Tony86 said, brilliant, five stars. I love listening to this podcast. Not only is it funny, it makes you want to laugh out loud. As someone who struggles with anxiety, this has really helped me when I'm out as it feels like a friend is with me. Oh, that's lovely. Also, probably I don't help with your health anxiety if that's something that you struggle with. I'm just the instigator in your ear and I tend you to call 111 over a conker.

all the other ranks actually that's very sweet um toby jug said hilarious sorry toby jug yeah wasn't that an actual thing a toby jug yeah It was, yeah. A really weird, creepy jug with a face on it. With a face and, like, e-handle things. Yeah. Hilarious five stars crying laughing the whole way through. Oh. Now, there was one. Oh, no. Just the one. Just the one bad review. And I just want to name and shame because I'm fucking fuming. Was it my dad? Was it John? Was it John Mac 1950?

Angry Linda. Angry Linda 1952. No, they're blocked. Good, good. They're not allowed after the last comments. Right, and I just have to address this because I'm hoping some lovely listeners are going to come and tell BrightEyes79 what they really think of them. BrightEyes79, one star. Awful. Ed, Ed, just have Sophie and guess. The Lucy sidekick is not working. Oh, my God, it was my dad. Human, babe. Oh, it was just the one. But I was like, oh, my God. Oh, no.

Have you fallen down a hole of insecurity now? No, I actually feel like I've made it, that somebody's got something to say. There you go. You've been trolled now, babe. Welcome to the club. Hey! I am delighted to say that every single other one is five stars. So thank you, lovely readers. BrightEye79, go fuck yourself.

Maybe they're like fringes. Maybe. Maybe they're fringes. Maybe. It's not on board with it. Maybe. Maybe. Anyway. Sorry. Well, I appreciate you being here because, you know, otherwise it's just me talking to myself and I don't know really how.

interesting that would be I think it would just be a really kind of weird and rambly insight into the darkness of my mind at maybe 2am in the morning of everything that runs through it when I should be asleep that would basically be what the podcast is all of Sophie's weird thoughts. Do you know what it would be? My WhatsApp messages from you. And I WhatsApp as well. I WhatsApp how I talk. So I won't.

I just send line by line by line by line. If I just need to tell Lizzie one thing, I say it in 800 ways. Oh, voice note by voice note by voice. I have a full podcast from you some days. I'm like, oh, here we go. There she is. It's just I might as well go for a walk and listen to my podcast from Sophie. But Joe, producer, we don't need to record next week. I've got enough content on my phone. We've got my spiralling decline over just my day-to-day life. Fucking hell.

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I tell you what though, so prep for the tour. I had been digging out, so I don't want to give too much away for people who are coming to see me, but I'm going to go bold and say that I've got an opening extravaganza. You really have. I went for it this year. I mean, I'm not like this, like I haven't got the magic mic.

dancers in because I couldn't afford it and I'd have to pay for them all to have a hotel and come along with me or they could stay in my room spoonsies i'll be the little one um so no so i've not got i've not got like a dance trooper or anything but there's a there's a video to begin with and um and lucy lucy helped

she was instrumental she was instrumental in this and we've got some banging tunes and we've got the playlist but the playlist for my show is so good i'm just i'm really disappointed that behind stage I'm going to be feeling like I need diarrhea and everybody else is just going to be having a lovely time listening to all the tunes. Anyway, so, but I needed to get some old pictures and things out to go into this video. So I'd gone rummaging for stuff. And in the process, Luz, hang on.

Look what I found. It's my life. This is my, so audio listeners, the national record. of achievement, aka the biggest fucking lie all millennials were told when we were growing up. And that was that we needed this red book. to get anywhere in life. Any job that we wanted, we would have to take our NRA with us. It would have to be updated. It would have to be presentable. Just want to show you mine that I found in the cellar, just warped with damp.

I feel like I can smell it. It's so... Oh, the must on that. Like white musk. White must. White must. That's what my NRA is. Oh my God. And the big dent in the middle of it. But I opened this up and I was absolutely... cracked now i don't is it just the one page or there's a few i just also want to just divert to the back where um i put a certificate in because i it's the only certificate 50 meters swimming

It's very close. It's very close. So there was a dance production that Merseyside Police put on and all the different, I know, all the different... all the different high school got involved and you had to choreograph uh like a dance routine it was called on the beat was it something to get was it all interpretation of crime so maybe everyone it was like some people were just shooting up in the corner just like on the crack um And I didn't dance because I can't dance. But I, as a non-dancer...

Thought I could choreograph. So I blanked it. My English teacher was in charge of it. And she was like, oh, has anybody got any dance experience? And I was like, I do. I did tap and ballet when I was six, seven. So I choreographed. Oh, my God. Well, we didn't win because what a shit show. Can you imagine me choreographing? It was the Macarena. Saturday night.

Don't do drugs or become a prostitute. Anyway, but I've got a certificate. I have no recollection of the certificate, but I've obviously deemed this worthy enough. There it is. There it is. On the beat, 2001. This is to certify that Sophie McCartney. chanced their way into the competition and pretended to be a choreographer in On The Beat 2001, the grand final held at the Philharmonic Hall in Liverpool. So I have been, I performed twice at the Philharmonic, one of them.

Was this where I didn't perform? I just stood in the background going, God, that dance routine shift. But, right. So, for anybody who is going to the Philharmonic to see you this year, how about... How about a little reenactment of... Of Macarena. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. I can do that. Right. Now...

I don't, there's a lot of things in here I have got no recollection of. Therefore, one can only assume I've lied. Well, you know what, you know what this is, you know? This is finger blast, finger blast. Oh, finger glass from the best. It really is. It really is. So avid listeners of the pod will know that Lucy and I started our careers in public relations and I went to university.

to study public relations. And the only reason that I got into PR was because my favourite TV programme when I was 18 was AbFab and I wanted to be a Dean of Monsoon, which I feel is a great starting point as to how most people should enter the workforce.

Your inspiration was out far. Mine was Samantha Jones from Sex and the City. Yeah. You know, we got 90s TV and so much to answer for. So, OK, at some point, I have apparently done a mock interview, which has... which has gone in to my... national record of achievement um okay i'll just i'll whiz through some of these to be fair i mean i'm surprised at myself here because it's graded three is good two satisfactory one requires attention punctuality three who was she

Was she on time back in the day before she had children? I know. Who was grading you? Definitely wasn't anyone real with any real... Was it your best friend, Abby? Yeah, it was. Let's... pretend we're getting jobs um anyway so apparently i my presentation i was confident i had eye contact with the panel i was able to expand on my answers uh and then at the bottom

In other comments, there is a handwritten note saying, a very competent performance. You would benefit from more research into the nature of public relations. Here's my personal statement, Luz. So this is, if I was going for a job, bear in mind, this is what I would take with me. It's very lengthy, so I'm not going to read all of it, but I'm just going to read the opener for you. Okay.

Before I attended St Hilda's C of E High School, I attended Springwood County Primary School. During my time in primary school, I was an active member of the class. Primary school, which I just turned off. I often participated in class sporting activities, such as gymnastics. A primary school. And cross-country running, which later inspired me to join the Liverpool Harriers, which was a very elite running club in Liverpool, to which I went... Once and my legs hurt and I never went back.

I think I had a similar experience with MacBarrick Harriers, to be honest. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I first attended St. Hilda's C of E High School in the year of September 1995. It's like, set yourself around, kids. Grandma's going to tell you a story. In the first year of school, I became a member of the school's junior choir. During my time in the school choir, I often went on excursions to the Lake District to sing in the local church in Grasmere. Now, I have...

zero recollection of this whatsoever. And I read this to my mum yesterday and she went, lies. I was like, what, Linda? Was it? And she went, 100% a lie. She said, because if you'd done that, we'd have had to pay for it. And we wouldn't have. So you didn't do it. I was like, oh. So I didn't do that. I didn't do that. It's just absolute. Bullshit. So then it goes on, just me generally wafting. Oh my gosh, I've got this one.

So I'm talking about languages and I, what did I say about my languages? Oh, OK, hang on, OK, OK. I was so shit at languages. I chose geography due to my interest in the subject and my willingness to learn more so I could take it to A level. Spanish was a subject in which I truly wanted to take. By learning two foreign languages, I feel I have broadened my career aspects. So you can say, un subeza, por favor. Un subeza, por favor. Oh, oh. Où est la biblioteca? Biblioteca?

Celebrate, because I want to learn. Yeah, yeah, honestly. Right, that's okay. So then, right, after all of the bullshit, your then tutor has to write a statement. So bearing in mind, this is for you to take with you to your job.

interview somebody is going to look at this and they're going to say yes what a good egg sophie is she's hired With her lively personality, she has established strong friendships with her year group. Her behaviour is always of a high standard and she respects the needs of those with whom she works. She is usually courteous and cooperative. She has developed good relationships with members of staff who found her to be generally dependable. She always attempts to achieve a high standard.

I can recommend her wholeheartedly for the job that she has applied for. what world is anybody hiring me who is usually courteous? You know, apart from that time she slapped a granny around the face in Tesco's when I fell off, you know, bidding.

She always tries to achieve a high standard, but she's thick as shit, so she doesn't always get there. But yeah, Deb, do you take her on? If you were going to get... a nose job for example not that it's topical if you're gonna go and get a nose job and you're like really searching your surgeons and he's there going uh i mean like when it comes to noses uh i mean like i'm generally dependable

I'm not hiring him to smash a hole in my face. I mean, I'm generally dependable apart from that one time I did Patsy Kenseth. Like I'm not, you know, it's... So I'm just an absolute sociopath liar.

but just about shit things. Hey, I tell you what, Jack is, he's not trying hard at school academically, but I'm very proud of this because he's, I don't know whether he starts to get a bit interested in the gals at school. just started getting into wanting to style his hair so he had me up this morning at 6 20 he leaves the house up just gone half past seven 6 20 he came and woke me up i went mom mom Can you do my hair? I was like, fuck off.

I don't even do my own hair in the morning. This is the hair that I had in yesterday that I have slept in. Anyway, so I sent him downstairs. It was like Christmas morning. I was like, it's too early. Go and have your breakfast. Come back to me and then we'll talk about it. And he had his haircut yesterday. and his hairdresser Andy comes to the house and he gave him this, you know, like the volumising powder. Oh, yeah. Because apparently this is all of the rage. Quiff love.

No. Well, no. Yes and no. It's called, and this is a real thing. I've Googled it. This is how old I am. Is it in the dictionary? Maybe a little bit. It's called just fluffy hair.

oh this is and this is it's a vibe fluffy hair now from the pictures he showed me so he's showing andy the barber last night like what he wants like fluffy hair and yeah have a little look and so andy's like well your hair's not going to do that naturally because it's quite long and it's thin so we need to cut it up and he's like okay fine if it means i'm gonna get fluffy hair i'll do it

It's like short on the sides and then a big mop on the top, but then the front of it is quite disheveled. I wanted to say to him, I think it's basically like a post-shag head. Yeah. When you're in France during your 69 and you've got a bit ruffled up, having your legs and head in between somebody's legs, then... Is that how the weight would work? What is that? Be in between somebody's legs? Or somebody's legs would be around his head. Anyway. Why are you doing this to yourself?

i don't know oh um woody's woody's willy hairs are really coming on as well at the moment and that's just really upsetting me i can't cope with all like there's so there's so much dick in my house it's just it's everywhere it's just me and evelyn are just sitting there going I feel you, babe. I feel you. So anyway, so I did get up and I did this fluffy hair and...

He had a real baptism of fire to the world of having to style your hair because I was quite tired. It was dark in the room. I'd have burned his forehead with my straightness. Oh, you didn't. Well, because you have to quiff it out. Put this powder in you, like the texture powder, and then quiff it out. And in the darkness, I've caught his forehead under here. And he's got a big red, like, Harry Potter scar across his forehead. And he was like, mom.

but I was like, well, no pain, no gain, sweetheart, I'm an essay school. You won't be getting woken up at 20 past six again. I know, exactly. Learn your lesson, kid. But because I'm now getting away, I'm away for four days, I'm taking my straightness with me and he's going to lose his mind because he's not going to be...

able to do his hair so i might have to amazon him i might have to get on amazon and get him his own straighteners but he's gonna he's gonna cause a house fire he can't be trusted with them just leave the iron out and tell him that's what we used to do back in the day Welcome to 1993, Dickhead. This episode is brought to you by Marshalls.

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Speaking of boys at school, I was actually similar to you doing a little dig. I wasn't doing a dig for your show. I was doing a dig looking for some photos for something. But I found a letter from a boy. From a... From a boy to you. from a boy to me look is this like is it oh look out oh my god look at his handwriting i know right it's like ye ancient oldie cursive how old are you was this a love letter from william shakespeare was it a sonnet

I reckon I must have been about, I'm going to say 12, 13 at this point. You went early with the sexting. Nothing ever happened with this guy. But in hindsight, I've read it and gone, oh my God, I totally forgot about this. I don't know why it's in this box. But anyway, now I'm reading it. I think he might have been a bit keen and I just didn't see it. I didn't see it because actually... Was he like, hey Lucy, draw me a picture of your tits and send it back?

found it the other night and I was my cousin was here and I was going through looking for photos I found this and honestly are you strap yourself in for some I'm strapped right not like a strap on situation I'm strapped in yeah Hi Lucy, I'm writing because I feel guilty about the fact that you're feeling guilty about the carry-on with the coke on Friday. Hang on. The fizzy kind or of the nosy kind. You live up north. Coke's the gateway drug.

I thought I'd write to you because despite telling you twice it doesn't matter about it, you still seem as if you feel guilty about it. Do you think I'd fall out with you over something stupid like that? Hang on a second. Hang on, just to interject. Was this 12-year-old Lucy overthinking something, even at the age of 12? And this lad knows. He's like, oh, fucking hell. There's cray-cray Lucy. Honestly, like, yeah.

look at look at lucy like i was definitely hamming up the drama wasn't i yeah there she is and then he says do you think i'd fall out with you over something stupid like that after all I did make a promise that we would always be friends and I maybe don't keep all of my promises, but I'll keep this, but I'll keep this one.

So we're still best friends, if that's all right with you. Now, I don't know where this guy is in my life now. So we can't have been that close. The truth is, I couldn't care less about what happened with the coke. How many times is this lad? Just drop it. I feel like this is the most awkward, like long intro into just saying, will you nosh me off ever? Just like get to the point.

I'm surprised that you threw it at me. I was only going to ask you to put it in the bin. Hang on, you threw a bottle of Coke at him? I mean, to be fair, this does feel like 12-year-old Asbo Lucy, if we're being honest. I was only winding you up as a joke because I thought you would take it as a joke, but obviously not. It's so honestly. Obviously not because you can't take a fucking joke. There's nothing wrong with the shirt. So I'm sorry to light you up and not talking to you.

And then it's basically like, how are you? I mean, it's just the weirdest fucking letter, isn't it? Why have you kept? Yeah. I have no idea. Was it off Jez? Jez was Jez. No, Jez was like 25 at this point. That's true.

because it's funny like when you like now if you just it also made me think about the fact that coke and coke like you can like if somebody found that say there was a crime and somebody came and looked at my in my stuff and they were like she was clearly a drug addict from Do you know what I mean? Well, I mean, the fact that you threw a bottle of it, unless you were Pablo Escobar, you probably weren't shifting that many units. So...

probably would make a safe assumption that it was just normal coke. And when I was rummaging through my little box of things, well, first off, the kids were like sat over my shoulder, just... fascinated and there were there were negatives in the box with the picture and they were like what are they

And then Jack went off on a weird tangent that I didn't quite understand to begin with. And then I realized what he was going on about. He was like, mommy, back in the day, yeah, back in the day, he went, did all photographs have to be developed in a room with red? And I was like, what?

realized that he was talking about a red room because he's been watching stranger things and they do a bit about getting prints and pictures off there so i was like no no i'm no that's fine we just went to max spielman but i was looking at some of the pictures that i've got and

I guess because we didn't have the joy of a digital camera and we couldn't see what we were taking. The stuff that you would just get, it was potluck, wasn't it? When you went to go and pick up your pictures. And some of the shit that I had, but some of the shit that I then put in a photo album as well that I deemed good enough. And it was like...

back of a chair or it is a um i found out bloody photos from when i went to valaraki with the girls when i was 18 and we've walked into a restaurant and it's this shitty like white plastic chairs there's cockroaches but there's like one

single stem dead flower in a vase and I've gone oh I'm gonna take a picture of that and I put it in put it in my album it also is the irony the irony yeah just you know it's art like Andy just oh yeah um yeah it's just so much weird shit but I also found um my pen pal So I had an American pen pal, apparently. Now his name was Greg Morrow. And I feel like we need a campaign to find Greg. So I've got his full address.

I want to say in Winconson Winconson Winconson Winconson Winconson Winconson Winconson Winconson Winconson Winconson Was this one of those things where you got matched with the town? Yeah. We had that as well. I feel though, but it's like an official printed out.

like like this is your life partner like I feel that maybe I missed an opportunity like maybe Greg Morrow was my like soulmate before Steve and I but I don't remember writing to him and I can't find any correspondence from him either but then when i did a little bit more in my box i found another letter well i found a letter from another person who was not greg but it was a pen pal and this was a spanish dude um yeah i know

That screams holiday romance. No, he was like, hello, I am your new pen pal. And again, I've got his full address and a lot about his personal details that I could maybe use to open up a bank account. Definitely an old. Definitely not an old man in bloody Salford behind us. Yeah. Oh, hola. That'll throw them off the scent.

Jose Ramirez, which I think is his name. It's like they're just going to pick the most Spanish name that I can find. So yeah, I feel like I need to find these men now. I have had a quick Google and I've got some options as to who my Greg Morrow could be. Let's find Greg. Let's find Greg. One of them is quite hot. I'm not going to lie. In my head, he's Zach from Saved by the Bell.

Oh, wouldn't that be amazing? I feel that I could use the power of the internet. Like I hardly ever use the power of the internet for good. So I wonder whether I could find Greg and we get him on the podcast and let's just catch him. with Greg and see where Greg is now what he's doing I did find an obituary for a Greg Morrow um yeah so I hope it's not that Greg um and and then there was another quite a few old fat Greg Morrow's as well I hope it's not that one

I'm putting a lot on. You must be able to put his birthday year in. He was born in 83. So he's going to be like 41. Yeah. Let me have a look. What's his name? Greg Morrow. One G. Okay. G-R-E-G. M-O-R-R-O-W. See if you can find the hot grag. Where was he from? Stoughton? Stoughton? Yeah, Wisconsin. S-T-O-U-G-H-T-O-N. Stoughton? Stoughton? Oh. Oh. Have you found the obituary? Have you found the obituary? Have you found Hotbag? Oh, oh.

Well, which one is he? So there's two, I mean, there's one decent one and one less decent one there. Oh, no, they're too young. Okay, okay, let's put 1983. Type in 1983. Business owner, self-employed. I'm married, by the way, happily. It's like my sliding doors moment just to see what life could have been. Have I followed some kind of 1990s whimsical rom-com pen pal romance?

Well, let's find him. We're going to find him and we'll update next week. I'm going to go and stalk some Greg Morrow's. Some really dodgy looking Greg Morrow's. The one who looks super dodgy is the dead one. So that's his obituary. Oh yeah, I'm excited. I'm going to go, I'm going to go, I'm going to fall down, fall down a Greg hole. I feel that we can do this. I feel that this is.

Yeah, now that the tour's all written and stuff, I will have got another big project to do. But in between that, I'm going to find my pen pal. Should we go to Winscon Scone? Should we do Winscon Scone? Shall we do a documentary? go and find a document right idea for a documentary okay let's get channel four on board um sophie and lucy reunite long lost pen pals from around the world and bring them back and bring them back together

What do you think? But did anyone ever keep a pen part? I had one for about three, three days, like three letters and that was it.

Well, so Evelyn came home. Funnily enough, she came home last night from brownies and with a letter from a pen pal. And it was from a Canadian brownie troupe. And she was delighted. This little girl was basically Evelyn, but Canadian. she loved crochet her favourite colour was purple and everyone was so excited and I was like what are you going to write back and she went oh we don't do that I was like what sorry

And she went, no, we're not doing that. So apparently Evelyn has already written a letter to her at one of her brownie sessions. And then the brownie leaders have posted that off. The Canadian brownie has sent one back. And that's it. No more. I was like, what's her Instagram handle? I'll find her. I've got my little box next to me. Do you know what I've just found? Oh my God, Dianette. They gave me gallstones, Dianette. Oh, did they?

cyanide gave me gallstones I had to come off it because I had a gallbladder of apparently a fat 50 year old woman so I don't think even was on dianette maybe i mean must have been at some point was the one that was if you had dodgy skin you got dianette so i've been on dianette for years yeah i think i was i think i was on um

microgynon oh that was that was like the gateway that was the gateway contraception wasn't it everyone on a bit of microgynon yeah i had microgynon and then i went on to dianette oh dianette

Straight off the noughties. Shall we read some of the things from the little leaflets? So yes, audio listeners, it's the patient information booklet that I found. Well, I can't imagine that the information is going to be particularly interesting unless we're particularly... keen on the chances of breast cancer and well no it says here it says here

um what what you should know before taking down it and then there's a whole thing on sunbeds and sunray lamps i mean oh yeah that was yeah that was one because it makes your skin more photosensitive did it ultraviolet lamps are used by some women for acne as well as to turn skin this is not very useful treatment for acne because it gives you skin cancer maybe um replacing one problem with a much bigger one

Ultraviolet lamps and prolonged sunbathing should be avoided if you are taken down it as their use increases the chance of cloasma Apache discolouration of the skin. No mention of skin cancer though. But I tell you what, every single girl I knew was on Keen and the sunbed. So whoever this belonged to...

Was definitely... Was it not yours? Why have you got one of your mates around some patient information leaflets about the pill? I don't know. Was it, were you trying to trap somebody and you were like, yeah, look, I'm on the pill? No! Is that like ID? Does squeezing help clear up acne?

Why is this in there? That's so weird. I have no idea, but that is. I wonder how much she got paid for being the face of Dianette. She could be worse. She could have been the face of herpes, couldn't she? Because I'm sure there's a patient information leaflet on that.

G'day America, it's Tony and Ryan from the Tony and Ryan podcast from Down Under. This episode is sponsored by Boost Mobile, the newest 5G network in the country. These guys are no longer the prepaid wireless company you might remember. They've invested... into building their own 5G towers across America, transforming the carrier into America's fourth major network alongside the other big dogs. Yep, they're challenging the competitors by working harder and smarter.

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Do you want to do a boozy newsy? Yeah, let's do this. I've gone for a citrus tequila this morning because it's quite early and it's orange juice, I think. Hang on. Oh, shit, it's all over my legs. I hope nobody likes a match near me. God, right, okay. There she goes. Oh, to the school run. Oh, Evelyn's mummy just stank of tequila. Okay, right. Are you singing? Oh, yeah. Boozy!

newsy where'd you get your newsy boozy newsy it's not actually the theme tune that is it i don't know what i don't know what i'm singing You get the gist. It's boozy newsy time. Okay, well, Lucy and I digest and discuss some of the stranger news stories to emerge from around the world. And sometimes they are made a little bit more enjoyable with the addition of some. boozy while reading the newsie so cheers loose cheers bye okay okay are we ready now this this week's boozy newsie is it's it's

I wouldn't say like a proper lols moment, but I am curious to see how you would react in a similar situation. And the social awkwardness of this for me would just be too much. It would just, it would. end me, which when I read the story, you might feel might be quite suiting. Okay, so this is from Sky News. Couple forced to sit next to a dead body for hours on a Qatar Airways flight. Right. I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay. Mitchell Ring and Jennifer Collin were traveling from Melbourne to Doha.

en route to Italy when a woman walked out of the toilet and collapsed near their row about 10 hours into the journey. Unfortunately, the lady couldn't be saved, which was pretty heartbreaking to watch, Mr Rain told Australia's A Current Affair programme. He added, they tried to wheel her up towards business class.

Of course, the only way I'm getting into business class, by the way, is if I die mid-flight and then wheel me up there. I can't afford to go normally. Okay, they tried to wheel her up towards business class, but she was quite a large lady. And they couldn't get her through the aisle. Oh God. I'm not laughing because it's awful. The pair, who were the only ones in a row of four, said...

Flight attendants put the woman in one of the spare seats for the remaining four hours of the flight. Mr Ring told Australia media, they said, can you move over please? And I just said, yes, no problem. Were they British? Were they British? I think they were Australian too close enough. Then they placed the lady in the chair that I was in. I assume he'd moved by then. Mr. Ink also said he was told to stay put while medical teams removed blankets covering the woman when they landed.

So she was just sat next to them with their seatbelt on. Oh, my God. and that they were offered no support. Qatar Airways have first and foremost apologised to the family of the passenger who sadly passed away on board, and they apologise for any inconvenience or distress that the incident may have caused, and are in the process of contacting... passengers in line with their policies and procedures um but we need to just discuss what happens if you i would be that person

And the OSS would be like, sorry, could you just move over? And I'd be like, oh my fucking God, that person is dead as fuck. Wait a minute, so do people know this person was dead? She just healed over and they'd watched the resuscitation process and then they went, oh.

Can we just stick it? We'll just pop it here next to you. Do you want a bag of peanuts while I'm here? Because you can't, what if you then need to get up and go to the toilet? Because you can't ask her to move, can you? You've just got to awkwardly side. straddle the dead body next to you and four hours i don't know like what point rigor mortis sets in like are you just what what film are you watching on the in-flight entertainment

Well, you've got dead Debbie sat next to you. Oh, my God. I would be so awkward, even though the person was dead. I'd still feel so awkward like asking them to be moved I wouldn't want to offend them even though they were they were dead and it would just I just couldn't get but how traumatizing

Wow. I hope the two that were sat next to it got their money back for the flight. You'd hope, wouldn't you? But do you know what? I think airlines are proper shady and they will very rarely give you your money back for... anything and i mean they would have been like well you got there didn't you you got to italy traumatized for life oh god spent four hours shacked up next to a corpse and imagine if like

I don't know, did the corpses start having a little cheeky fart and stuff? Although, to be fair, I might quite benefit from that on a plane because I get very windy on a plane. I could confidently let one off and be like, oh, sorry, it was Debbie. It's lost control of my function. Well, just bear that in mind, guys, before you go and book your flights with Qatar, eh?

I know. I thought there'd be a special cupboard. A morgue. Oh, not a morgue. I feel that's a bit fancy. On a cruise ship. You get morgues on cruise ships. No, I don't think you get one on a... like an easy jet um i mean that you've got to pay extra haven't you you've got to pay you've got to pay 20 quid just to take your handbag on board you're paying through through the roof aren't you for a morgue now i thought maybe just like some kind of like broom cupboard or something that they could just

You know, is it the Goonies at the beginning where Chunky's in the fridge eating the ice cream and then a body just falls down? Yeah, like that maybe. Like a freezer. Yeah, like a cold bit where they could just deposit the body. But you can't be strapping bodies in. You can't be doing that guitar, come on. And also... Have you ever been on a plane with one of your kids and they're asleep and the plane comes in to land?

And they're asleep and then they fall forwards when the plane lands. And so you put your arm out to stop them from smashing their head on the tray table. What happened when they landed? Who's stopping that from happening? Yeah. Anyway.

So there we go. Amazing. That's this week's Boozy Newsy. That was fun. Yeah. Oh, apart from that, that was weird. And apparently Donald Trump's put a video, an AI video up. on his social media of his Gaza. So apparently he wants to like buy maybe Gaza and turn it into a Middle Eastern Riviera. He wants to turn it into Dubai. And in this, honestly, you need to go and have a look at this.

video is the weirdest fucking thing and um elon musk's there eating hummus in a flatbread it's all ai ai is so scary elon's just like oh my god There's a gold statue of Donald Trump. There's a child walking around with a gold balloon of Donald Trump's head. There's a casino in Gaza called Trump Casino. It's fucking wild. Screaming Jeffrey. I'm sorry, but that screams Jeffrey Epstein.

island vibes to me jesus christ shall we end shall we should we just um end on a little when we were young because oh yeah should we lift the mood a little bit

Okay, right. All right then, Lucy. If we're going to have a bit of When We Were Young, should we do the song? At least we know the tune to this one. Okay. When we... right this is a cracker so this is from and as she said hang on Hang on. No, I don't think I was allowed to say a name. Okay, this is from Anonymous. Hi, Sophie and Lucy. Not sure if this will make it onto the pod, but either way, hopefully this will make you giggle.

Please keep me anonymous just because I'm aware. Oh, she doesn't want to be anonymous. Please keep me anonymous because I'm aware that certain family members listen and I've never shared this story. Okay.

Back when I was serving in the army, single soldiers lived in a communal block of rooms. However, there were some communal rooms such as the TV room located on the bottom of the three-floor building. I wish I could... say there was a special reason for our antics that evening but there really was no excuse other than it was our aim to get as drunk as possible as quickly and cheaply as possible oh my god the army sounds like university absolutely

Back in 2004, we were all gathered in TV room watching Kevin and Perry. Can you remember that film? All I want to do is do it. Big girl, big girl. And we decided we would all try to see just how effective taking shots through the eye socket was. Oh, my God. Was it topo or eyeball pole? Yeah.

This quickly escalated and I'm still not sure how it led to this but a group of the lads determined that the only reason this worked was because the alcohol got to the bloodstream faster due to blood vessels being closer to the skin. Just like in your back. Oh, no. So, to test this theory, they decided to soak some of the girls' tampons in vodka and insert up their bums. Wow.

Does this tax pay his money? Going into the armed forces. Fored well for one of the guys who managed to cut himself on the applicator and started jumping around the room with a tampon up his bum screaming, it burns, it burns. my finest moments having to call the Onjiji NCO to take the guy to accident and emergency is between us we couldn't pull it you couldn't oh I love that you were all trying so hard I imagine it's like that 90s dance move the lawnmower just like

Or it's like, what's that kid's story? The big enormous turnip, where it's almost like there's a man, there's a woman, there's a dog, there's a cat. And they still can't follow it. Also, can I just say though, imagine if at that precise moment that the military base had come under fire from like a terrorist organization they'd broken in and they're there with their machine guns running in from room to room and they just kick open the door and they're like...

What the fuck is happening? Yeah. Like, oh my God, what's that grenade? Nobody light the fuse. They'd just fuck off, wouldn't they? They'd be like, oh, sorry, lads. We'll just, we'll leave you to it. Just, yeah. No, no. We'll come back. Should we do Tuesday? Yeah. Okay. Bye. Bye.

Oh, anyway, fast forward 20 years and this guy is still serving very proudly. Hence why she... But has he got the tampon out of his arse? I don't care if he's proud. I just want to know whether he's still got a tampon. in his arse yeah he can't leave because everybody knows that if like everybody knows and they're like well if you leave we'll imagine his national record of achievement it's gonna be written in there from the army isn't it oh trevor

He's a great sport. Tampax Trev. Yeah, I wholeheartedly recommend him for his next position. So that's an iconic London triple threat mascara coming. It's on its way to you. And to Trevor. I feel like he needs one as well, really. So there we go. It's another episode of the Tired and Tested podcast. Oh, Lucy, it goes fast, doesn't it? Doesn't time fly when you're talking about tampons or passes?

corpses on planes and you know all the really highbrow stuff that we enjoy on the podcast and if you've enjoyed what you've heard and you would like to give us a little review we are going to read out our favourites next week so please make sure we write something nice or if you want to slag Lucy off and give her a one star review that's also fine

with me thanks so much dad if you have got a parenting fail or tale or a story from when you were young that you would like to send in to us you can send it to tiredandtested.acast.com and we will read out our faves and if we read it out you will get an iconic triple threat

mascara winging your way if you want to come and see me on tour I'm now out on the road so come along grab your gals grab your glow sticks book a babysitter if you don't have kids just fucking leave the house wow god imagine that um and i'll see you very soon hit the jingle Hey, this is Naomi McPeregan, co-host of the podcast Couples Therapy.

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This message comes from Greenlight. Ready to start talking to your kids about financial literacy? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app that teaches kids and teens how to earn save, spend wisely, and invest with your guardrails in place. With Greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores, automate allowance, and keep an eye on your kids' spending with real-time notifications.

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