Pilot: Dick Pics and Toe Licks

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast. Welcome to episode one of the Tired Intested Podcast with me.

Sophie McCartney, now podcasting. Everybody said to me, Sophie. You've got to get into podcasting. Podcasting is where it is at because apparently lots of you lovely people very much enjoy listening to other people just waffle on for hours on end while you're doing mundane tasks around the house like cooking, cleaning, going to the loo, I don't know, maybe doing other things.

in private solo activities. I thought, well, do you know what? Why not have me come in your ears at the same time? Now, what to expect from this little podcast of mine? In all honesty, I don't have a clue yet. We're just going to kind of see how we go, but...

I imagine it's pretty much going to follow suit of me whinging about how tired and tested I am a lot of the time. It's for parents. It's not for parents. So people may be thinking about becoming parents. It's for people who enjoy listening to other people chat shit. And I'm very good at that. So you guys are in for a treat.

I thought, you know what? You don't want to listen to me chatting shit on my own. I need to outsource for some help here. So who have I brought in to chat shit with me? Well, her name is Lucy. She has a fringe. Some of you may know her. as Lucy with the Fringe. Hello, Lucy with the Fringe. Hello, my fellow talker of shit. It's a life skill. What can I say? What can I say? Now, Lucy and I are going to do a little backstory.

We go way back. We have known each other for donkey's years. Dare I say 20 years or something like that? I mean, not to age us horribly, but about 20 years. And my favorite story about Lucy with the Fringe is that I used to be her manager at work. We used to work together at PR. Don't sniff at me. I came in before you. I was your boss bitch, okay?

I was one step ahead of you. I was one peg. And we used to work in a PR agency. And one of the things that I made Lucy do as my junior was dress as a giant foam fish finger. And then I sent her around all the broadcasting houses. in a blue morph suit, but with just like a six foot crumbed rubber foam bit on top. And I had to watch a waddle up the steps of the Capitol radio building. So that was a personal career highlight for me. Was it for you, Luce?

Actually, I'm just going to correct you there. You didn't watch me waddle up the stairs of the Capitol Radio building because I couldn't because the fish finger outfit came below my shin. Therefore, I couldn't get my legs. I couldn't get my legs high enough to walk up the steps. So I stood at the bottom with the lovely bouncer man or the security guard. It wasn't a club, was it? It wasn't like a really exclusive club. You named it on the list, Bish Bish. Get out.

Yeah, so I'm stood at the bottom of the stairs like, hiya, really awkwardly with the security man, while you sort of like... pranced up in your beautiful outfit, looking all gorgeous with your fish and your butties, yeah. Yeah, just pranced up my Addison Lee that I had to unfold you out of to get you out, get you to the curb. So yeah, so we've got...

We've had a lot of memories. I'm pretty sure she's still got some beef and some fish with me. So here we are now. Luce, you are very tired and tested this week, aren't you? Because your lovely hub has abandoned you, hasn't he? He's gone off.

on a world tour and left you behind so my husband is a tour manager so he's away and his job is being away and um i've got a small baby well he's not a small he's seven months um and a three-year-old and I'm doing a lot of solar parenting while he's like... Flying around the world. Gallivanting. Gallivanting. Just having fun. Well, this is my life at the moment. This is me. I've been solo parenting this week because Steve, my husband, he is away. You know, and I get the phone call.

where he's like oh i'm so tired i'm working so hard but he has a bottle of corona in his hand and it's at the same time and i read the room read the freaking room i'm like sat there with just like milk all in between my boobs or something brown under my fingernail is it play-doh is it poo who knows only the sniff test will determine so yeah i'm bloody knackered and you know what when he goes away

And I don't know why this happens. And he goes away quite a bit. But every time he goes away, life just goes to shit. Life just goes to shit. And this never happens if he has the kids. And I go away. Everything's rosy, mainly because he has his mum up at the same time, just saying. But everything is rosy. Nothing goes wrong. The minute, the minute he steps foot out of that door, gets on a plane, nah.

the world ends. It's so true. It's like they program the children and be like, okay, we're going to really dial this bit up now. So when I come back, you're going to be nice and chilled.

So this week, so Nate, who is my youngest, so my baby, my baby, who's 10 months old, he's not nearly a baby anymore. He's not nearly a baby. I had to take him for his 10 month to 12 year. um what's the 12 12 year oh 12

That's quite a long time period of time. You can get away with a lot in between. They don't really bother checking up on you in between 10 months and 12 years. Anything goes in that time whatsoever. It's absolutely fine. No 12 month checkup. And I got really sad because he was a newborn baby.

be anymore and that really upset me anyway we went we went to the clinic appointment he's very advanced by the way he's very advanced he's extremely gifted and picking up a piece of string with his thumb and his index finger i mean he's clearly He's clearly advanced if he's going for a 12-year check-up at the age of 10 months. At the age of 12 years, he can only pick up with his string between his thumb and his finger. Freaking genius. Do you know what?

Do you know what? I think we should celebrate every little win at whatever age, right? What job can you do with your thumb and your forefinger? Puppeteering. puppeteering and telling people that they're constantly too loud and they need to turn it down oh yeah turn it down turn it down tester of cervical mucus egg whites are in The equates are in. Loads of jobs. Oh, the things he'll do and see when he's older. He could be a professional sushi eater.

Get in the chopstick action. Yes. Yep. The world is oyster. The world is oyster. Don't you find though, I find like, so with Jez being away at the minute, I find the most stressful part of my day.

I mean, it's heavy. I don't know how single parents do this full time. I know that he's coming back. He might be away for a while, but I know he's coming back. Well, hopefully. I've got so much respect. But yeah, you probably will find a better offer elsewhere, but never mind. But no, I think the most stressful part, I don't know about you, but for me, it's bedtime, right? It is like bedtime roulette. My three-year-old kid.

it's like either I can take him into bed and it's almost like I can be like read him a story he lies down he goes night mummy I walk out shut the door and it's like or I'm up until like 11.30 screaming at him. And I don't know why he doesn't just go and lie back down when I'm screaming at him to go and lie back down and close his eyes, to be honest. I mean, the stuff that comes... out of my mouth when I'm angry and I want them to go to sleep.

But bedtimes and bath times, it just seems to be absolute prime time for dicking around, doesn't it? Now, I don't know about you, but my kids at bedtime, they get phantom illnesses. And I hope they're phantom, otherwise I'm going to, again, sound like a really awful person. who doesn't care about their children. Evelyn got into bed the other night and she suddenly just was like, Mummy, my ear hurts. I was like, oh. I was like, just, okay, describe the feeling. She said, oh.

It's like somebody's got one of your big metal hairpins, put it down inside of my ear, and it's now really far down in my cheekbone. And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, how have you put... one of mummy's hairpins in your ear. And then she said, well, I did when I was four, but I think I took it out again. I was like, sorry, what? So then I'm panicking. I'm panicking that she's got this rusty old hair grip that's been in her ear since the age of four.

Then she starts saying things to me like, I've just got it in my head that I'm going to die early. And I was like, why would you say that? She's like, because of the hairpin. And so I'm there trying to calm her down, being like, darling, listen, if you put a hairpin in when you were four, you're now seven, nearly eight. Okay. Nearly past four years is nearly past in this. I think we would have known, like something would have manifested. You would have had more earaches, you know.

There would have been something you wouldn't be able to hear. Well, mind you, to be fair, she can't hear me when I ask her to do things. So maybe it is the hairpin. Maybe that's what's happened. Anyway, so I talked to Dan off the ledge and then went out the room and panicked and Googled, like, what should I do if my child has inserted a hair clip inside of her ear? It's fine. It's fine. But it's fine. I don't think there's one in there. But yeah, we had that. So she has that. And then...

She gets a lot of tummy aches, but the tummy aches only seem to manifest themselves at bedtime. So she won't have one during the day. She won't have one at school time. But just as I'm walking out of the room to go and watch Sex Life on Netflix, suddenly then...

she will have a tummy ache and it'll be because mommy I've had a banana will you like bananas no mommy every time I have a banana I get a tummy ache I'm like well oh dear god I've been feeding you bananas since you were one and this is the first I have heard of your mythical banana stomach ache. It's mad, isn't it? Have some cowpaw. Shut up. Go to sleep. Fine the next day. Absolutely fine. But do you know what? It does kick off. my anxieties that I have around the kids and health are...

I know that you're with me on this because generally whenever something's wrong with the kids, and I know you do it to me and I do it to you, but there will be the stream of WhatsApp messages going, oh my gosh, what should I do? Has yours ever done this? And it's like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I'm on Dr. Google. Step away from Dr. Google.

Man, it sends me absolutely west. Absolutely west. So Nate actually has been in A&E this week. This has been one of our main things that happened while Steve was away, the absolute shit show that went down while he's gallivanting away with his corona in Germany, eating a sausage in a strudel. I don't know whether that's an Austrian thing more than a German thing, but I imagine it crossed the border.

Maybe there's been some strudel transfer. I'd take a strudel in a sausage to be fair. Yeah. I'd take, I'd take a sausage in my strudel. and um and then so nate had he'd had a bit of cold and then he had weird breathing and then he started kind of doing this weird head bobbing thing and he was sucking his stomach in under his ribs and they're red flags for respiratory distress and so off we went to a&e off we went to a&e

But that massively has then set something off inside of me that feels the need to obsessively check any ailment that the kids might have. And it took me right back to just after Nate was born. Had a really snuffly nose. And I know babies get the snuffles, don't they? They have this newborn snuffly thing where they're just like little baby pigs slash zombies from The Walking Dead. And you're like, what is this? Nobody told me about this. And I absolutely got it into my head.

that he had an 18th century illness. I thought he had syphilis. Now I'm going to give you the back stories why I thought my small baby... Wait a minute. Can you just tell me what syphilis is? Can you tell? It's an 18th century disease. But what actually... What actually is syphilis? Go on. um well okay syphilis is sexually transmitted yeah i thought it was sexually transmitted right okay so fairly unlikely that that he had it but it's passed it's passed from the mother

onto the baby in the womb. Now, the reason that I came to the fact that he had syphilis was the fact that he had a snuffly nose. And I had been watching, there was a program, I can't think what it was called now. had Emily Blunt in it and it was kind of set in the oldie. It was when the pilgrims went across to America and the kind of the settlements of America all started. And anyway, she's over there. She has syphilis. She's got a blocked nose.

And I've been watching this. I can see how you made that connection. See how I made the bridge. Emily Blunt, my child. Syphilis. Syphilis. And then she had a child. having caught syphilis, who then had syphilis, right? And so this has started a chain reaction in my mind of complete overthinking. And I lay up in bed and I'd Googled this. I then got into an absolute hole.

of Googling it. Right, Steve's lying in bed next to me. Here's the scenario that I'd worked up in my mind, that Steve, somewhere in our relationship, had cheated on me. He'd called the cyclist. He'd give it to me. I then passed it on to Nate. Nate now had syphilis and his face was going to fall off because that's what happened to Emily Blunt. Stop. Your face fell off and he goes, face fell off.

Yeah, face fell off. Face fell off. She had to wear a black veil. Very, very kind of Kim Kardashian, Dolce & Gabbana vibes going on. But anyway, don't tell Kourtney. She'll be fuming about it. So were you like going round his head? seeing if it started peeling. I was planning on smothering him with a pillow because I thought he cheated on me. I was hysterical. Oh no, I'm talking about Nate. I'm talking about Nate's face.

oh yeah no yeah so in case nate's fake well i thought he must have been early stages because i felt i felt the snuffle came before the face fell off and so steve's just lying in bed next to me and i'm just looking at him going i can't believe you gave me my baby syphilis

He's just lying there, just having a lovely dream about his non-bat shit crazy wife, maybe, performing some kind of sexual act. Just not thinking that she's there, hovering over his face with a pillow going, you syphilis passing on, bastard! to smother him bawling my eyes out as well so then after being absolutely hysterical and I'm thinking do I wake him up to ask him whether he's cheated on me and potentially caught syphilis

And then my rational side's going, no, don't do this. So if you're going to start something at three o'clock in the morning that you're not going to be able to take back with ease. So anyway, I thought, you know what? Of all the Googling that I'd done, I actually hadn't gone onto the NHS website. So I thought, right, I should probably look on the NHS. Anyway, it turns out syphilis is one of the main things that they check for at like your 12-week screening.

You know, when you give you bloods, they check you for syphilis then. So if I'd had syphilis, they would have known. And that was fine. And Steve and I are still married. Did it tell you about the little orange book? Yeah, it didn't have syphilis in there. No, I don't think I've got syphilis in it. for Nate to catch it has to be the one not on the orange book as well

Do you want to explain? I haven't heard about the orange book. Basically, it is the panicky parent book, isn't it? Go on, fill everyone in on the orange books. I don't know. Yeah, so the orange book. So it was actually when Kit was a baby. I took her to the doctors, got to the doctors.

he was fine he was absolutely fine and she's looking at me and I think it was in Covid times that you weren't meant to go into the doctor's if it wasn't serious and it was something I don't remember what it was but it was something serious and she said to me she was not impressed she was like have you got the orange book and I was like what's the orange book she was like the orange book and it tells you when you go to the doctors when you don't but

I can't remember what it was. It was obviously something really, really terrifying because I can't remember what it was. Did he have a block to lose? Was his face about to fall off? I think maybe I thought he had syphilis. But no, the orange book is very good for... Talking you down from the ledge. Talking you down from the ledge and those of us who are convinced that it's going to be worse than... Guilty! Ha ha ha.

So yeah, things just go to shit when he's not here. Got Nate back from A&E. Three hours later, Evelyn projectile vomited everywhere, which was brilliant. It doesn't rain, babes. It doesn't rain. It freaking pours. Absolutely pours. So yeah, so I've been very...

very tired and tested this week. And one of the last times that Steve went away, he always goes away at this time of year. And one of the last times he went away and he left me in the house was the time that I got a fly stuck in my ear.

I actually think that Flygate might be up there with one of the worst things to have ever happened to me. But you know what? To watch and like as a viewer. Yeah, well, you know. It was pretty. It was very funny. Well, do you know what? Now I actually stand as a bit of a public service announcement of what to do.

if you get a fly in your ear so many people message me on instagram because it's now happened to them who knew that this was such an issue no it is a proper it's a it's a fly pandemic is what's happening all these little fucking blue bottles just burrowing around in people's ears.

Um, but yeah. Okay. So for anybody who doesn't know what happened with Flygate, there I was just minding my own business in my bedroom with my husband in a different country. And I'm on my, I was on my laptop. I wasn't on my phone. I was on my laptop. I was doing some work. I had the light off because I had one of the kids in bed next.

to me asleep and i felt this big fucking fly like the 747 of the fly world just like and i panicked immediately panicked and i battered it away but in batting it away i've then subsequently panicked the fly the fly has just been like you're not fucking getting me bitch and has then just gone directly in to my ear hole safety yeah safety burrowed all the way in and i was like oh oh it was just it was just like a like a buzzy tampon just like straight into my eardrum oh god so

I don't know what to do about this. I don't know what to do. There's a little bit of me that's like, did he actually go in? Did he not go in? It's a he, by the way, because what a dick move. That's what she said. Is he in? Is he not in? I'm not sure. Is he in? I can't feel him. There might be some movement, some slight vibrations, but I don't know if he's all the way in. There might be a couple of digits in. There might be a couple of digits in, but I don't know if the length is in.

I don't know if the full length is in. Anyway, so I'm like Googling. I'm like, I don't know what to do. So Google tells me, Dr. Google, Dr. Google tells me.

um that I need to kill the fucker is basically what happens and I couldn't go to A&E I was thinking do I call an ambulance for myself and then I was like no Sophie NHS waiting times there is a crisis there is a pandemic you probably can't call an ambulance because you have potentially a fly stuck in your ear so like right and it's not going to be in the orange book that is not in the orange book okay the orange book needs immediately updating to fly based scenarios

Flydemic. Flydemic. Yeah, exactly. So you have to kill them with olive oil. You need to drown the fuckers in something that they're not going to be able to climb out of. So I've gone downstairs. I've got my extra virgin Marks and Spencer's oil. Lemon infused. Before you get to the... Before you get to the eradication, when it's inside, like, can you feel it? Like, I can imagine it feeling it, like, here or, like, in the eardrum. So just, just, like, kind of, like, knocking, like...

Just like banging on my eardrum. Like, hello. Hello. Knock, knock. Who's there? Big scary fly. That's what was there. Okay. So he's in there. And so I have to go downstairs, get my lemon infused, extra virgin, Marks and Spencer's oil. It's not just any oil. It's a dirty blue bottle that's been sitting on one of Millie's shits in the garden fly. It's now burrowed its way into my eardrum.

so I don't know how much oil it doesn't specify and so I had to get a lateral flows worth you know let's remember the little like plastic things I filled up a lateral flow because a shot glass was too big a shot glass of oil was too big

to get the lateral flow and then pop that into my ear so then i'm like like i've got a crick in my neck thinking i've got to keep this in i've got to i've got to hold the oil in like when you're trying for a baby you've got to keep the sperm in and you can't you can't move Don't let it run out. Get those lights off. Don't let it run out. So I'm like, oh, got to keep it in for five minutes at least for it to do its magic. So there, got the oil in. So then you have to then tip your...

Tip your ear to one side. Let it horn out.

feel it it's the strangest sensation and then you've got to flush with warm water and you have to use a syringe and I was like where am I going to find a syringe from and thank god Jack had come home with some shit art from school that day some shark back with and he'd made a monster and its nose was made out of a medical grade syringe are you what are the fucking chances what are the chances what yes mrs krebin in year three thank you very much also right

how have you managed to get 30 of these for your class like what are we stashing at home what's a drill there i'm not sure anyway so i've dismantled his little artwork and i've gone and i've flushed and then to begin with nothing came out so i had to repeat the olive oil situation

And then I was thinking, do you know what? Maybe I've just imagined this and it hasn't happened. And I was about to go to bed and I thought, I'm going to give it one last flush. Give it one last flush. One for the road, one for the ditch. And I'm not joking, right? a fly the size of my dog fell out of my ear into the sink right it was lying there like what the fuck has just happened to me like all like twitching twitching in the oil

Still to this day, I have post-traumatic stress from seeing that that had been in my ear. You've got PTFD.

you've got ptfd yeah from from from the blue bottle and then the fear that i had to live in then for the next two weeks that before it had died it had shat out all of its eggs in my ear I'm going do you know what if I'm going I'm leaving my babies behind and I was gonna get ear maggots and then I'd just be sitting there one day and just a load of fly babies were just gonna fly out of my eardrum It was.

so distressing and all this was going on while steve was in another country i had no other adult there to help me it was so distressing so yeah at least that hasn't happened this time around right

so when i'm on my own with the kids i try to be proper fun mummy so again yeah we've been watching films we've been having a lot of movie nights which is code for um not proper parenting you're like oh my gosh should we have movie night instead of going out and doing activities

We'll just sit on the sofa and we get to eat popcorn. You get to eat popcorn and scroll Instagram. I feel like that's okay. Yeah, exactly. And they're buzzing. Again, fly issues. They're buzzing because... they're like oh my gosh we're having movie night so much fun um but we've we've done a couple of films whilst Steve's been away now um Independence Day I watched with them the other day

see that at the cinema yeah i mean it's it's a classic it is a classic and again it's quite old i don't really remember it so as it starts jack was like mommy how old is this film and i was like sorry i was like it's like it's like circa 90s it's not it's not that old because mommy's not that old he was like it looks ancient do you know do you know what i watched last night and this is just all i can think of i watched honey i shrunk oh my god

What a classic. With Wayne Selinsky. Hey, Selinsky. But, you know, when they're in the... Because they get chucked to the backyard. I mean, for... surely everybody listening to this will have seen honey i mean i can't eat cheerios i can't eat cheerios without checking the middle to make sure a child's in there

Do you know what I found really strange? I probably haven't seen it in 30 years. I've probably not seen it. I felt like I knew all the words. You know, when you have... in the 90s and you have a video and you just watch the same video over and over and over there was you know I was like oh my goodness and I was like I had my little 10 year old niece and we were watching it and I was like ah

Let's watch this. Now, was it suitable for your 10-year-old niece? Because I find a lot of films that we watched as children not suitable. I was thinking about you because, yeah, you've had some experiences. Honey, in front of the kids, absolute.

It is so good. But when you were talking about the flight, all I can think about is that bit when they're in the garden and there's like this horrible, I think it might be dog pee and you know, it's like a river over there that goes down and there's just like a dead blue bottle with its legs. it's like there it is that was what was inside my ear thank you that was for now giving me a new visual

entity to put into my brain about flygate we also did indiana jones um with the kids i can't watch that can't watch that was it the bit of the cockroaches i can't watch that why can't you watch that no not the cockroaches so when i was about i'm gonna say five

maybe six my brother was watching indiana jones and the temple of doom okay and i've never watched it since and i've never watched it i've got ptsd but i remember there's a bit and this is all i remember is walking into the room he was watching it on vhs And he, Indiana, is that his name? It's his name. Yeah, that's why it's called Indiana Jones. His name's Pete. I didn't know. Okay. Pete Jones in the Temple of Doom. Okay.

Okay, Indiana is in, like, this cage thing and being lured into some sort of depths of hell. And I swear to God that... traumatized traumatized so I've never been able to watch Indiana Jones well I feel that your experience of Indiana Jones trauma into adulthood is possibly going to be my daughter's because yeah there was a bit at the end of

the last crusade and that one you probably then didn't get that far but the last crusade is um it's always the nazis was all always there's always those darn nazis always i think that's that's the basis of every film

And they were after the Holy Grail, which would give them eternal youth and eternal life. But if they picked the wrong Holy Grail, it would kill them in a very graphic and horrible way. And of course... oh indeed tricked him didn't he and um and and they picked the wrong one and he takes a sip a bit and he suddenly accelerates in age very very quickly um but and i mean looking at it now as an adult

I mean, shit special effects because it was like the late 80s, early 90s. It looks proper gash, right? But to a small child who's watching this, she just sees this man suddenly go from maybe like 50 all the way through the ages.

the way to skeleton and then his skeleton starts to crumble and then he turns to dust and she's sat there screaming cushion over her face mommy turn it off mommy turn it off and i'm like well darling this is what's going to happen to mommy after the school holidays to be fucking good otherwise mommy's just gonna turn to dust that's the moral of the story if you don't want to see that happen to me just fucking toe the line okay

So because I've been solo parenting this week with the three kids and Nate wasn't well and we had to do the whole A&E and I was just a bit panicky about staying on my own, I got my parents over to come and help out. Now, this was all fine.

This is all fine until this morning when I had done a workout, being a little bit of a fitness wanker at the moment. That's what I've been doing. But while I was in the gym, I sent like a little cheeky ass picture to Steve. I was like, just taking a little picture of my ass. Look what you're missing out on in Germany. Bet you want to put your sausage in my strudel now, right? One of them. One of them.

sent the picture walked back into the kitchen put my phone on the side on the side went went to go and pick nate up to change his nappy my phone then beeps Dad picks up my phone. And I don't know why. No, no, no, he didn't. He didn't. He didn't. I don't know why he did this. Who does this? He did, didn't he? Who does this? He did. He picked up my phone. Right. And I don't have my WhatsApp set to, you know, just like a message from Steve. The full message comes up. Right. Steve has replied going.

got any more of them pictures for me babe and then with like a winky like juicy face and I was like my dad reads this out to me Soph steve and then he reads this entire message out complete with like a winky face and i was just sitting there and i couldn't think of something fast enough to try and tell them that it was like, I could have said something like, oh, I sent him a picture of the kids. And I just went, uh, uh, ignore that message. I just made it really obvious.

Is there any picture of my... I don't know why I did that. I don't know why I did that. I do it. so much I couldn't like I made it 10 times worse so like it was only a picture of my ass and a pair of leggings but in my dad's head I've probably just been in the gym just like flashing my booms just to you

and then this is the same picture that you just went and put on the internet to all of your millions of followers as well anyway so yeah true but you know what the fear the fear that i had that steve had actually replied when he was like when he was like steve i thought he'd sent a picture of his cock or something pick pick or something and my dad was gonna be like can you actually imagine can you actually imagine oh my blood my blood went cold my blood went cold it was so awful

It was so awful. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I mean, there's a reason that I don't send naughty pictures to my husband. Did you not? One is because I don't... No, I don't have the bod for it, babes. No, no, no. My body says, my body says she's got a good personality. She's got a great face for a podcast.

exactly no but i'm not i'm not like i'm not body confident and also i just i'm i'm far too immature for that shit no you've got to embrace your body your husband loves your body your husband loves your body and you should be proud of your body babe get it get it out now get it get your tits out for the podcast

do you know what happened tonight i'm not even kidding so um solo parenting um i don't really get much chance to shower on my own so i shower with oh baby dragons and anyway yeah right so anyway was in the shower with him and obviously i'm like what seven months postpartum had a c-section so i've got like you know that hideous like shelf it's not hideous it's not hideous i mean it brought life into the world

but this is what this is what happens so i'm in the shower with my three-year-old and he was like so i've got like a little flap of tummy and he was going so rather than being like get the off you little beast i said oh that's when that used to be your house I had to stop showering with Evelyn at the point where she stopped in the shower and looked at me naked and went, Mummy, my mini is so much cuter than yours. I was like, yeah.

thanks for that yeah just just wait till you're on side of 30 and you fired some kids out we'll see how cute your mini is then babes we'll check in we'll check in in 30 years and see how we're doing well i i'm just i'm waiting for the time where i'm like okay i'm

probably shouldn't be showering with my i'm gonna embrace it while i can embrace it while i can because at the minute anything goes i can walk around naked in front of my three-year-old can't walk around naked in front of myself because i'm like oh

I can walk around naked in front of my three-year-old. But yeah, it's a funny old thing. Do you know what human body is? And it's very interesting. Different people have different stances, don't they, on where they sit with nudity in front of their children. And so Jasmine...

Zach is 10 now and I am getting to the stage where I feel uncomfortable if he was to like to be in my presence while I was naked I feel that maybe if you're a 10 year old you know I feel like he's seen the female form now you know but probably what i don't want is to be ingrained in his you know those core memories yeah the first kind of boobs and bushy scenes to be his mums like i need

separate that but I've tried to set boundaries I've tried to set boundaries but we don't have any locks on our bathroom doors so I've tried to say now no sweetheart when mummy's in the shower you stay outside now you wait till mummy's done and then you can come in the problem is we have one bathroom upstairs and when he needs a poo he needs a poo

So I have been in the shower with my back to the door, right? Just, you know, washing all the vital areas, getting amongst him. And I've turned around and Jack has just sat on the toilet, which is directly opposite the shower.

waving at me just mid poo like having witnessed it all i love it yeah oh no no no no no thank you no no thank you yeah yeah you need to get locks on those doors i do need to get a lock on the door do you remember when we first had phones and you got charged for every it was like 15 pence for a text message and remember we sat down and we were like right if we if our whatsapp if we were being charged in as we were in the early noughties

a day between us would be like 45 quid they were like we don't send that many messages and then we want us to do like 100 200 a day easily and i'm one of these people and you're the same as me and this actually i've discovered winds a lot of people up I write my WhatsApp messages how I speak. So I will do it a line at a time. And as something comes into my head...

I just do one word or I'll do three words or something. Whereas other people, they like to just do one big bulk of text. I don't operate like that. So when I message Steve, he will have just like a chain. It's like my stream of consciousness just goes bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, all within. the same minute there's no deviation of the time and then he just flies going okay babe well whenever whenever my phone goes off and it goes

Jez is like Sophie's messaging you. Doesn't even look. Doesn't even look. But then I am also Sophie's messaging you. I am also a prolific voice note wanker. Yes, you are. So am I. Night, Dad. John's just coming to town. He's going to bed. Night, Dad. There he is. Night, John. I don't know why you're whispering to me now because we all know that you're here to speak. Nate is a little restless. Nate is a little restless. Are you going to go up if Nate's a little bit restless?

Yes, lovely, thanks. Okay. Oh, now Steve's calling me. Right, hang on. Oh, God, it's all going on. Hang on. Get rid of him. Ask him if he's got syphilis. Ask him if he's got syphilis. I don't think that's going to go down. I don't know how to turn him off. I don't know how to turn him off.

Well, I'd turn him off probably on the regular. Are you still there? I can't see you anymore. That was all happening at once, wasn't it? All the men in your life. I know, yeah. Just checking in that I wasn't sending any dirty pictures to my husband.

God, no, Dad, don't come in. So here is a little segment that we like to call Urban Dictionary Corner, where Lucy goes to Urban Dictionary. finds a trendy word that the youth of today are going around. I don't know, spitting lyrics about in the street. Is maybe that what they say? I'm not sure. And she has to run it past me to see if I am truly down with the kids or not. And I know.

what this word means. So Lucy with the Fringe, hit me with today's word in Urban Dictionaries Corner. Okay, today's word is dickfish. Dickfish. Do you know what? It's really weird what's just come into my head. Do you remember those crisps that you got out of the vending machine after swimming? Do you remember those little bags of little fish crisps? I don't know why. I think this might have been a Liverpool thing. Dick fish crisps. Anyway, right, dick fish. Dick fish crisps.

It's not a crisp. Okay, right. It's not a crisp. I am going to go with, I think a dickfish is like a catfish, whereby online... Maybe when people send dick pics, they maybe use other people's dicks. You fucking got it right, you dick. Shut up. Have I? Have I got it right? Oh my God. I am so down with the kick.

it right you've got it right it's the act of sending a false dick pic that is bigger less ugly than your own with the goal of impressing a girl and hoping she doesn't notice the difference i love this but do you know what my favorite bit of urban dictionary is though

Like the example, hey, he totally dickfished me. It was definitely not the same dick from the pictures. I've never had a dick pic. I'm really, like, I'm... Do you know what, right? I'm an awful feminist. And I don't know if I'm happy or sad. Yeah, see, I... I don't know if I'm happy or sad about it. This is where I sit. I'm an awful feminist, right? Because I see all these women online and they are...

So, you know, they're doing their thing, trying to stop all these men sending these pictures because they're like, they constantly get harassed and sent all of these pictures. And then I'm sitting there going, I don't get dick pics.

What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anybody want to send me a dick pic? I've never. I've never. However, I do remember, I don't know if it's something that happened in like... more recent years because obviously you've been with steve for a million years i've been with i've been with jess for 11 years and it was just like it was like online dating like tinder and like i don't know if dick pics

It probably costs about £1.50 to send a picture message back. And how long it would have taken to download the dick pic as well. It's coming through tomorrow. i did get one i did get one and i say one actually it was a string of about three or four it was ages ago and it was on facebook and um it was It was a Facebook dick pic. It was probably where a pensioner was 75. Anyway. Hang on.

what it was you got a dick pic on facebook i know it's like the uncoolest way to receive one as well isn't it you know i mean um but i opened it up um and it was it It was the tiniest dick I'd ever seen. It was like, you know, the little mushrooms that you get in the pick and mix at the cinema that have got the little coconut edging. So it's really tiny. That's what it looked like.

Why would you send that? And do you know what? And his lighting was awful and he wasn't helping himself. So I sent him back some pointers. As a content creator? As a content creator. I was like, babe. What we need to do here, okay, is we need to get some good lighting. We need a ring light, okay? If you go on Amazon, they're only about 50 to 60 pounds, okay? You can get one. Maybe wait until Amazon Prime Day, okay? Treat yourself. Get your ring light.

Your stance, you need to work on your stance. He had his shoulders forward. He was standing at an angle. So it kind of made it kind of look like it was inverted. I was like, you need to set your hips forward, thrust it out a little bit. Okay, maybe do a bit of contouring. So maybe get a good bronzer. Like paint around the outside. Contour the cock. Right, around the outside. Cock touring, yeah. Around the outside.

right so it kind of draws the attention maybe get a little bit of highlighter on the middle so we're illuminating it for one i was like you just need to help yourself okay and then also run it run it through instagram Paris the shit out of it and then save it to your phone and then send it on Facebook. You're welcome. How to be a content creator by Sophie McGarney. Right, I'm going to do, I'm going to do one more.

This is one especially for you. Because we love, we love Amarg, don't we? We do love Amarg. We love Amarg. So, right. Tell me what you think a margarita too is. Sorry, right. You're incredibly Geordie. A margarita what? A margarita toe. Toe? Toe? Yeah, a margarita toe. Sorry, you said a mar... How did you say toe? Say it. Toe. Toe. Toe. A toe. A margarita toe. A margarita toe. A margarita toe. Ooh. Toe. Interesting. What do you reckon it is? Okay.

i'm thinking it's as i always do with these things because it's generally the way something sexual this is something sexual i'm thinking it's maybe oh is it right that you when you do a shot of tequila somebody's toe gets inserted you're like instead of the salt

the salt or the lime is it either that you lick the toe first and then you do your shot or does do you like you do you do your shot no so you do your salt you lick your salt you do your shot of tequila and then the toe goes like up a vag or something and then And then you suck the toe. Is that what it is? Maybe. Oh no. Is this like a horrible expose on the inner workings of my mind? Is it not that? Is it not that?

yeah yeah do you know what i would say based on urban dictionary that was a bloody good it's a good you know what i mean it's normally something like that it's good but it's not quite right okay right hang on let me give let me give this another go then okay a margarita toe okay so tequila is an upper and you never see a sad person do you holding a margarita so It's a toe up a bum. Is it a toe up a bum? It's an upper. Makes you feel nice. So it's just a toe up a bum?

You just think it's just a tool up the boat. With a salty rim. The salty rim. A terrible one with a salty rim. Is it? Is it? I wish it was though. I really wish it was. I like what you did there. You got like rimming it and everything. Very good. Very good. No, so a margarita tool. is a sexual of course it is see in which one of course it is so i just i just keep i just keep going until i see sexual act i'm like done in i like this one um a sexual act in which one lovers

Larvas even. Not larvas. Larvas. They're lovers. Big toe in saliva. They then proceed to sprinkle salt on the big toe. So that the salt sticks. Next, one squeezes a line in their mouth and starts sucking on this salty, yummy, big toe. This is a margarita. No, I would rather have a toe up my bum and a salty rim. I hate toes. Toes are disgusting. Every day I would take a toe up the bum than a toe to the mouth.

that is hideous why would you do that to somebody why would you why would you let somebody do that to you why no

Okay, so this segment of the podcast is called Parenting Fails. It's fairly self-explanatory. We take a look at one of our listeners' absolutely fuck-awful parenting fails. We assess it and then we laugh about it and we judge them quietly. Okay, Luz, hit me with this week's parenting fail. Okay, okay. So this is going to make us all feel a lot better about our parenting fail. Excellent.

Okay, so this one, I'm going to call it the buggy. Okay, so a few years ago, I was out with my little two-year-old girl. She was at that stage where she was big enough to ride in the buggy without needing to be strapped in every time. You know, when you get to that stage. You know, you can just strap them in. Pop them in. They'll hold on. Exactly. Give them a rice cake. It'll be all right. Absolutely. So it was one of those journeys.

I was just heading from a cafe to the car, which was just around the corner. I popped her in, didn't think she needs strapped in on this occasion. Got to the door, realised it started raining. So I pulled... the rain cover and popped it over the full buggy and headed down the street i didn't have a hood on my coat so i picked up the pace to get out of the rain as quick as i could as i'm running down the main street i feel a little bump in the pavement stopping me in my tracks

So I quite assertively push the buggy over this bump and carry on. As I'm running down, I realise that the buggy feels a little bit lighter. I turn around and to my horror... I have just mowed down my own child. She had slid through the handlebar. Onto the pavement and without realise, I've actually just done a hit and run on my own little two-year-old girl. She said to make it worse, this was on the main street. On a main street with the witnesses.

On the main street of the town where she lived. Oh, my God. Oh, no. No, Miss Australia. So she was... Exactly. So she was like, she was trying really hard to like laugh it off. But she said it was so bad, a car pulled in to check that her child was okay. Oh my gosh. While simultaneously dialing social services numbers.

to rat on her oh oh oh but what what happened after was the child presumably the child was okay i'm not laughing at the fact that the child the child was fine guys by she's like 50 cent she walks with a limp now but it's all good hitting and running your child with a bug I feel substantially better now about letting my children watch the stripper scene in Independence Day I feel like a grade A parent now in comparison to just mowing my own it's the fact

that she hit it hit the child and then just went over it again with a bit more force it's like oh my god just give it a good run the pavement must have a word with the local council about what my taxes go on But also, she's obviously really worried about her hair getting wet. She's like, oh, come on, my hair's going to get wet. No, it's going to start going frizzy. Quick!

Oh, I imagine a lot of money was thrown at Haribo to just shut this kid up about telling daddy when she got home about what mommy had done to her. Man, bad times, bad times. Lesson learned. So the lesson from this week's parents reveal is always strap your kids in, even if you don't think they're big enough. Always use a strap on. Always.

Oh my goodness. So we want more of these though, don't we? We do want more of these. We want your fails to make us feel better about our own parenting fails. Absolutely. If you too have a parenting fail that you would like to share with the group, think of it as therapy. Lighten that load. It is cathartic. Make yourself feel better. And also everybody else about their own parenting abilities. Send that in to tiredandtestedatacast.com and we will read.

it out completely anonymously and have a good old laugh at your expense sharing is caring and we promise we won't rat you out to social services so that's it for this week join us next week when we will be back with more Tales of Parenting, Woe, Urban Dictionary, and of course, your epic fails. Hit the jingle!

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe place zone. Over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snap, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.