Mile High Cries and UTIs

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snap, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast. Well, hello, everybody, and welcome to A Brand.

spanking new episode of the Tired and Tested podcast with me, a very, very tired and tested Sophie McCartney. Lose on back. G'day, mate. I can't believe you're back and you're alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. Honestly, right, we stepped in through the front door yesterday and I hadn't wanted to jinx this until we were literally inside of the house. We got a taxi back from the airport.

And as soon as we closed the door, I turned around to Steve and I went, we made it. We're alive. And he was like, you're such a fucking drama queen. But honestly, I had this massive thing in my head. I know that I would have shared my anxieties with you about this.

Great cray anyway. But I'd worked this up in my head that because I had made the decision to go to Australia and it was for my work and I wanted to take the kids and I wanted to do all these things and we were all going to die and it's going to be my fault. And that's how I'd worked it up in my head.

so the fact that we got home and everyone survived nobody got eaten by a shark nobody got bitten by a snake like we were we were golden we were all good and do you know what the number of people i've spoken to over the last few months i've been like ah

so are you going to Australia with Sophie? And I'll be like, no, she's taking the kids. She's taking the kids. And I was like... I know taking the kids and my response would just be I know we've discussed this we know she knows but you've done it and you've actually Like I have been sat in fear mainly on your journey out. I was like, oh my God, like, is she going to make it? And when she gets there, how angry at life is she going to be?

I don't know if you're just hiding it all. No. Just to be like, see, I did it, fuckers. It was easy. But you have made it look pretty straightforward. It was, and you were stressing me out a little bit about how awful it was going to be. Like, Sophie, do you know what you're doing? And I was like, yes, I do know what I'm doing. But you're like, it's going to be fucking awful. And like, have you thought about this? This is really bad, a really bad idea. I was like, I know.

Lucy but just stop saying but actually that helped It did. Well, right. This is my new thing. And I had a lot of people message me saying, what are your travel tips for going away with kids long haul? And I have got some videos that I'm going to be posting up. I have documented. Of course I have. Always working. Always hustling. And I did document.

the process and don't get me wrong like it wasn't enjoyable at no point did I turn around to Steve on the journey there and go I'm having a lovely time are you like that was not said at any point in the duration But what we did say when we did eventually land in Brisbane, however many days or hours later, was we did both turn around to each other and go, do you know what?

that wasn't as bad as we thought it was going to be. So this is my advice. This is my advice to any parent who's looking to take children away, especially very little ones, just have your expectation, just sub-zero, hell level, I'm going to put it at, just like burning with the devil. That is where your expectation needs to be. And then anything that is marginally better than being burnt alive and your skin falling off.

it's a bonus. Now, I also think the way forward for doing such long flights is to get your timing spot on. And to be fair, The flight times were pretty good. So we were out of Manchester airport, eight o'clock in the morning. So we were there at the cracks and Nate was already tired. So as soon as we took off on that first flight to Doha, he was asleep within 10 minutes and needed two hours. So that was okay. And so then we just had to get through four hours, which is, you know.

A trip to the Canary Islands, innit, from us. So that was all right. It was manageable. Got to Doha. He got to run around. He was like an absolute lunatic just running around this airport. Like, ah, I'm free.

Did that, add something to eat, got a coffee, and then it was time to get on the next flight. We had quite short turnarounds, but just enough, you know, to stretch your legs, get some food, get on the next plane. And that was the one that we were a little bit worried about because that was the 14-hour one.

And fortunately, the travel gods were looking down on us and the plane wasn't full. So Evelyn and I had a row of three and then Steve and the boys were in a middle four with a spare seat. So Nate could then go to sleep on Steve. lay down on the seat next to him. Evelyn basically went business class.

from Doha to Brizzy, had her head on me and her leg stretched out. She got about 12 hours sleeping on this plane. But I mean, the problem with this was that then when we got to Brisbane, it was half five in the afternoon.

afternoon but she had slept as though she'd just gone to bed at eight o'clock at night and then waking up the next day so then by the time we've got up to noosa which is where we were staying and we were all shattered we were like right everybody to bed it's probably eight o'clock in the evening our time and she was like but it's like 12 o'clock

in the afternoon mommy where are we going what are we doing i was like no no no no no and god love her she she really suffered for the jet like she was just wide awake so much so We got off in the morning. You know she loves to crochet. Go on. She crocheted herself in this whole time that we were asleep and she was wide awake. A beanie hat and a pair of socks.

i just had this little image of her just sitting there just their eyes with like pins and them just just like oh god i'm so awake i'm so awake just a little sweatshop doing a crochet and just had this new little winter wardrobe yeah collection so yeah I mean it was it was an ordeal and it was a bit faffy and Nate is too big to go in any of the sky cribs I think you can have that most airplanes you can have them up to two but he's a unit um so he can't he's too tall he's too big so you

did have to sit on her knee and he didn't obviously didn't have his own seat so that was a lot it was very wriggly and we had quite a bit of turbulence both ways as well so then just there's no escape tell you what right our turbulence on the way back um and this is the first time this has happened and i because i obviously mentioned

And I mentioned before, I'm not great fire. And turbulence, I do not enjoy. Again, never sat there and go join turbulence and go, this is fun, isn't it? Dropping thousands of feet in the air. Because obviously they'd been that Singapore Airways flight as well, hadn't they, just before we went? They'd had that really bad turbulence. And so that was in my head. We had a little bit of turbulence on the second flight yesterday, but the first flight we were in one of these massive airbuses.

Biggest Airbus I've ever been on in my life. You know, absolutely giant ones, double-decker ones. how do they get up it was it just it blows my mind and we were sat on the top deck and i've never done that before not business or first class no no no they go on the top and then there's like a grate where all the goats and the cows and the sheep have to go out the back and we were sat on that level out the back

You were halfway there. It was progress, right? It was progress because I went upstairs. We went up. The kids were like, oh, look at us going up the stairs. I was like, no, it's the same shit, but it's just a level up. But I don't know whether it's because we were on the bigger plane. felt the turbulence more because we were sat at the top really felt it and I was and I was like you would have almost thought that with it being a bigger plane it would have been sturdier

You see, you get scared of these little mini planes. I do. A Ryanair or an EasyJet is not my friend. No, but the bigger ones. We don't feel takeoff as much on a big one. Takeoff's much better on the big ones. But yeah, the big plane just rocking in this turbulence. I was like, oh my God.

But the flight afterwards, we had a little bit of turbulence and the pilot came on. And I've never experienced this before. And actually, it was brilliant. The pilot came on and he was like, oh, hi, everyone. So, you know, you might notice that we're experiencing a little bit of turbulence. I was like, eyes on the fucking road. mate okay like stop chatting to me

Never mind the small dog. What's in front of you right now? Okay. Do it multitask. It's not the time. But anyway, but he came on and he's like, oh, you know, you're experiencing some turbulence. Now, if you look out of your window to the right, you'll see. And then he named the cloud formation. And I don't know what it was because the only clouds that I remember was Nimbus. Yeah, but it wasn't that. Color Nimbus.

I don't know what it was, but he says, so this particular type of cloud is known for like the heat pockets will come out of it. Quite often you get thunderstorms that ruin it. He says, we're just very conscious that that cloud is there and that's going to be causing a little bit of moving. So all we're going to do is we're going to slow the aircraft down.

And he said, just imagine everyone, you're on a bumpy road. And if you're on a really bumpy road, then you're not going to be going really, really fast, are you? You're just going to slow your engines down and you're just going to go over it slowly. He said, that's all we're doing. And I went, okay.

But after that, I was like, oh, well, you know, I know people always say, oh, it's like going on a bumpy road. But the fact that he just really calmly came on, he didn't have to. I've been on loads of flights with turbulence before and nobody's ever said anything, but just came on and he was like, oh, hi, everyone.

that's good yeah because nope I've never heard that before I've never even heard the bumpy road I just think I'm gonna die this is the flight that it's gonna be me it's gonna be me like Justin Timberlake that's gonna be oh it goes around your head it's gotta be someone it's gonna be me but yeah I could hear the engines the engines then start to make different noises. And in my head, that's because they're falling off, but it's not.

It's their slowing down because they're going over the bumpy road. So it was helpful. Thanks, Qatar Airways. I felt thoroughly at ease. That's good. They talked you through it. They did talk me down. Although I went up when we went to take off on that particular flight as well.

given us a baby belt and so I was there on like bing bing bing bing bing bing trying to get the baby belt um and then they came and I was like excuse me haven't given me the baby belt or the life jacket they were very apologetic and they came back and she gave it to me she tapped me on the shoulder she went have a safe take off and walked off I was like sorry isn't that your job

you're telling me to have a safe takeoff what the fuck what nobody ever as cabin crew ever turned around to me and said have a safe takeoff like it might not be oh my god okay What? Oh my gosh. And also my chair was broken. So... The recline button of the chair was pushed in. So the minute I put any weight on the back of my chair, it went backwards, which I didn't think was too much of a problem. And so we hurtled down the runway at 500 miles per hour. And it was like, you know.

you see somebody sitting on a garden chair and go back I was like oh just pinned by gravity I was looking and there was a guy behind me I just went I think my seat's broken I mean, normally it only reclines by about two inches, doesn't it? Unless you've got a broken one and you're there like, hey! And my legs in the air. It's so funny though, because there is such like, people are so beefy, aren't they?

So much beef. So much beef. And do you know what the other beef is? People who don't like kids on planes, this really winds me up, right? So there was Nate yesterday because the second flight, as we were taking off, he was due his nap. He was dead whingy. God love him. He didn't know what time of day it was.

But he'd just been bundled onto this plane. The last leg was due his sleep. And he was sat on Steve's knee, but he wanted to come to me. And I was like, no fucking way. Bye. It's your turn, motherfucker. And so he was just like this across the aisle at me, his arms going, Mommy! Screaming. and I've got a right fit just as we were taking off and there was this

guy who's probably like 20 maybe younger who was sat in front and he kept turning around to look at Nate like to looking at Nate and Steve just I was like oh I was at this point I wasn't looking at it I was just looking out the window with Evelyn. Pretend it be asleep. I was pretending that they weren't.

me no idea who they are and i just heard steve go all right mate i know he's crying he's gonna stop in a minute but you turning around looking at him every five minutes isn't gonna make it go away any faster is it and i was like oh god okay How is Steve? He's all right. I mean, God love him, right? Steve did really well, to be fair, because I ditched him. He did about five days on his own.

in a different country with three kids now i'd purposefully put him in a night i did him a solid right put him in a nice hotel and to be fair to him he just because we had a car

he just he went off and he went he took him into the rainforest he went and took him to these like cool caves he was like proper fun daddy up until the point they see um that i was in new zealand and i was on stage doing the sound check and i get a message from steve now before i left him had some very, very clear and simple rules that he was to abide by if he was going to be looking after our children and I was not going to be there to supervise. And the main one is the...

It underpinned all of the major, major issues that I have about anxiety on Australia and about things with fins and teeth. And it was basically just no water. That was it. No open bodies of water. A swimming pool is okay. A swimming pool is fine. But if it is any kind of pond, any lake, any river, any big fucking ocean, do not put my children in it, right?

I'm stood there on the stage in New Zealand and I get this video that comes through and it is the two big kids in... the middle of the ocean on you know these big inflatable water park things oh my god just jumping from bit to bit like a big inflatable juicy seal that was sat on the ocean with just fresh english meat hopping around on it so i'm like oh my god what the fuck are you doing so i've messaged him just in capital letters going steve

What was the one rule of Fun Daddy Club when I was not here? I was like, fucking shark, Steve. And he was like, babe, it's fine. I signed a waiver. I was like, sorry. What did we sign the waiver for, exactly?

if our children get eaten by a shark, that's okay. We won't sue them. And he's like, relax. I was like, don't tell me to relax. Okay. I know I'm irrational and I'm crazy, but this is... this is giving me major anxiety please can you bring them in how much longer have they got left he then replied with a with a you know the gifts that you get

on whatsapp and with one from jaws they were going to need a bigger boat with the shark jumping off and i was like fuck off steve this is not helping my anxiety it's not helping my anxiety i was like the water steve i was like where are you and then he just sent me a picture of him and nate eating an ice cream on the shore going looking after my favorite one i was like oh my god oh good and then he went don't worry there are nets everywhere i was like the fact

that they need the nets in the first place does not reassure me okay When they were putting those nets in, one big shark went, I'm not going to fucking stay behind here. Just snuck in the side and it's just been hanging out, just waiting for a Daily Mail front page is what it was waiting for. And then he went, don't worry, babe. Honestly, I've spoken to the lifeguard and he told me he was the shark equivalent of Mick Dundee. Again, didn't help.

But he had a lovely time and nobody got eaten, so it's fine. Now, retrospectively, it was all right, but I was having a hot sweat. Also, I have to say, I have... Very proud of you because you hate flying. You flew to another country on your own. I know. From a country that wasn't your country as well. That wasn't even my country.

I think I was freaking out more about that than I was freaking about you getting to Australia, to be honest. Yeah, it felt like a big deal going to a different country on my own. To be fair, there's Australia and New Zealand, the borders, you know what I mean? Everything's quite...

relax there kiwis and aussies they can move freely between new zealand and australia so it's not you know like a big a big thing but do you know what the biggest thing for me was and this was going into australia and then i did experience it going into new zealand was the biosecurity issues that you have going into australia

in New Zealand so because their ecosystem is um it's so protected over this you can't take any fruit in you can't take any veg any nuts like that everywhere you go the signs on the planes they tell you right any food or drink that you have please just you know leave it here don't take it into the apple why can you not take fruit because it has potentially it's got insects or pesticides

that aren't in the ecosystem of Australia and then you could absolutely ruin their farm life, their crops by something that you brought in. So they're so shit hot on it. Did you never spend university watching Border Force? It was like living or something. but I was just watching all the ones that were getting done for the drug muley. Sorry, I've got some bananas. A banana will get you in jail, honestly. But you try flying to the other side of the world with all your children and not...

have left something potentially in your bag. So there's all these signs when you get into the airport saying sorry isn't good enough with a picture of somebody standing there really saddled in a banana. I'm like, fucking hell, where are the bananas, Steve? We've taken a load of bananas. So we'd...

As I'd gone through the bag on the plane, Steve's one of those really annoying people where he just wants to get off the plane straight away. He's like, you know, see his seatbelt. He's up, he's there, he's doing the overhead lockers. He's like, come on, kids, get your bags down, get off. Marched us all off the plane. But I'm like, no, Steve, we need to go through all the bags and take out the raisins.

out everything i made him leave about 15 quids worth of bear yo-yos on the plane because i was absolutely convinced that they would count as fruit so apparently because they take your visa away i was like imagine if i've come to the other side of the fucking world with my kids And I get there and someone's left a banana in the bag and they take my visa away and I've got to go straight back home.

No, thank you. So I was really, really paranoid about this. So you also have to fill in a passage of declaration form. And on this form, it also says, are you traveling with any medicines, anything that you need to declare? one of them was um are you traveling with any prohibited items such as steroids firearms or illicit pornography now we had mate steroid cream with us for his eczema And it says in big capital letters above, if in any doubt, just say yes, declare it.

And then you can source it after. And I was like, well, Steve, it technically is a steroid cream. And he's like, don't, don't tick that box. Sophie will get help because you're ticking a box that says that you potentially have firearms with you. Don't tick that box. And I was like, but Steve, it says. So I've ticked the declaration box that says I'm potentially carrying porn, porn or guns or meathead steroids with me.

and so we go through security and then you get to another bit so you go through like the they do all your passport check your visa and then you go on to the next bit where they then look at your declaration forms and this guy's Aussie cop looks at it and he goes, I see you've ticked the box. I won't do the accent. I see you've ticked the box that says that you're carrying a fucking massive weapon or some porn. And I was like, oh, sorry.

I was like, I've actually got some steroid cream for my baby for his eczema. And he looked at me and he looked at the baby and he went, but is it going to make him really muscly? And I went, no. And he went. Then you were all right. And we were waved through. I was like, oh my gosh. Steve was just like, you fucking tit.

Oh God, did this just add on like a four hour wait till you're getting out of the blooming airport as well? Yeah, I was really disappointed in Australia that we didn't see any of the dogs because they use beagles, don't they, as scent dogs? But when I went into New Zealand, they had the beagles out.

And I'd said, so I was stopped and they were sniffing around me. And what I've also learned is they don't particularly enjoy polite chit chat about their dogs. And I was like, oh my God, I've got a beagle. And they were like, right, this is like a member of the police that you're talking about. I was like, how do you...

Get your beagle to do that. My beagle is so naughty. She just eats shitty nappies and can open the fridge with her nose. I can't believe that your beagles are respectful. Members of the community over here, they're like, move the fuck on. I was like, okay, thanks, bye.

Oh, man. I know. But yeah, New Zealand was like... Do you know what? I wish I'd managed to stay in New Zealand for a little bit longer because New Zealand is beautiful. I only managed to get to Auckland by an absolutely banger hotel. Did you see my hotel in Auckland? Oh! Looking back at some of the hotels that you stayed in whilst you were touring, that juxtaposition. Yeah.

yeah oh it was very different wasn't it so this one in New Zealand that they put me in in Auckland it was the intercontinental um and I do have to probably have to declare that this was a gift one night was a gift to say I had to pay for another night but one night was a gift to stay that the hotel gave me and oh my freaking god i've never been in a hotel room like that on my own i walked in and

I had to walk for a couple of minutes to get into the like the bedroom part. It was just it was massive. It was like a 90 degree. The walls were just glass floor to ceiling glass with just and the minute I walked into the room, it was so clever.

all the blinds just went up. It was like, I was like, hello, God, as I walked in with just this. And I was on the harbour as well. It was... beautiful it was so so nice made even better by the fact i was there on my own and i didn't have to show they'd left me cakes they'd left me cakes a bottle of champagne you were spoiled by absolutely spoiled rotten But can we also just talk about...

your flight to New Zealand you had great wi-fi on the flight which was brilliant because you were messaging me live as god see this is this was an exciting part of the trip really actually so many weird and wonderful things happened on this trip that almost felt like destiny and the first thing to kick things off was the fact i realized that dawn french was on tour doing her show

in Australia and New Zealand the same time that I was now she's also with Live Nation who's my promoter so I don't know why I hadn't really put two and two together early in this and I can't even remember how I found out in the end but she was in Auckland the same night that I was in Auckland now New Zealand's not massive you know Auckland is a big city but it's still you know when you're talking about huge cities it's not

like ginormous. And the fact that her theatre was five minutes up the road from my theatre, five minute walk as well, I had to literally walk past her theatre to get to my theatre. It just felt that destiny was telling me.

that dawn french and i were going to be new best friends forever when i was still in melbourne waiting for my flight a message on i thought you know what i'm just going to shoot my shot i'm going to shoot my shot because how often in life does this happen and whenever i get asked in interviews what's my main kind of reason for getting into comedy

where I always cite the same people. It's Victoria Wood and it's French and so on. That's what I grew up watching. I aspired to be like them. I just love, love, love. So the fact that she was going to be... in Auckland the same time I was I was like oh my gosh so I did the really embarrassing cringy I love you Dawn I love you I love you I love you like from Elf I'm lucky enough to have access to Sophie's

instagram account so if ever i um rat on a celebrity i don't know let's say like a wag or something and i sell their story to the daily mail about the ins and outs of their lives that wasn't me it was actually lucy because she has access to my instagram as well it was my momager obviously i've got access to this account i don't ever go into my dms but you see when you told me that you'd messaged

I was like literally like just waiting. But didn't you also message me when I said, oh my God, Dawn French is in Auckland and I'm going to send her a message and you were like, well, be cool. be cool and then I had to reply going I'm sorry it's too late I've already done it and I was not cool shall we just go through what you said because it is so funny right so this is Sophie

Dawn, sending this knowing it will never be seen, but I've just seen you touring Auckland the same time as I am. You are one of the reasons I got into comedy. And now I'm kicking off my debut on a New Zealand tour at the Q Theatre. It's more nice. Apologies in advance. If I see you in school. Sophie, a small scouse bird that will try desperately not to be that person, but can't make any promises.

I mean, when I saw this, I died. A little bit of my soul died inside. Yeah, I know. I died as well. But you know what? I thought, what's the best way of getting somebody's attention here? And it's going to be flattery, isn't it? It's by telling somebody.

how much that you love them in a trying to not be like a stalker kind of way I thought you know what I'm not gonna play I'm not gonna bother being like ah try and send something funny and be like really cool I was like fucking Eldoran like it's destiny so

That was kind of lunchtime. She hadn't responded. She didn't, no. Well, because I follow her and you can, and if somebody doesn't follow you back, you can, Instagram only allows you to send one message to that person. We went to the next level and you storied.

you tagged her in it yes I did do that yeah yeah and you were like oh my god I've just discovered you basically just said exactly what you've said here you've just discovered that she's going to be like this is destiny blah blah blah yeah and I thought I thought that if I tagged her then people who maybe followed us might then start spamming her and saying, oh my God, Dawn, you've got to see Sophie. She's in Auckland the same time as you. You'll love her. She's hilarious.

Anyway, that worked. Because a couple of hours after, she replied. She did. Now, just to set the scene, all right, I'm sat on this. New Zealand Airways flight. It was a night flight as well. And I'm like, I've got the Wi-Fi, just the pure excitement. I'm also watching a shit slash brilliant film with Jason Statham in called The Beekeeper, where Jason Statham is playing Jason Statham. But they tried to give him an American accent.

and then they must have filmed the whole film got to the end and realized shit he can't do an American accent what is this so what we're going to have to do is we're just going to have to film just like a two minute scene at the end that we're going to pop in the beginning where somebody goes hey What's your accent? That doesn't really sound American. Were you born in the UK? And he's like, yes, I was born in London, but now I speak with an American accent.

Shut up. So I was watching that in the dark with two blokes sandwiched on either side of me and this message comes through and... I wanted to scream but was very aware that that's not the protocol on a plane. So Dawn said, do you want to come to my show? Kiss. So Sophie really calmly responds. saying, gone! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. I'm on an Air New Zealand flight trying not to have a moment.

And then my favorite bit of the exchange, it says, Don, our French wasn't notified about this message because they were in quiet mood. Then you say, I would bloody love to, but I'm landing in 20 minutes. Then my show is tomorrow and I'm back to Oz in the morning for my next show. It would have been the dream. Thank you so much for messaging me. And then Dawn replies saying, another time, all the best for your show. Kiss, kiss, kiss. You twat. And honestly...

I've peaked in life. Dawn French called me a twat. And to be honest, I can do no more. I might just hang up my boots. But also just to put this into context, because some people were like, oh my God, Dawn French called you a twat. I was like, no, it's a good thing.

Because she had a book is called The Twat Files and her show is called Dawn French is a Huge Twat. It meant a lot. It went a lot. So you got there, you made New Zealand and then you had a lovely run, didn't you? You got to go and see all your Aussies.

I did. Do you know what? I love an Australian audience and I hope that I am fortunate enough to come back and do another tour on there. Just, do you know what? Aussies are just great crack. They are...

fun they are up for it and i think it's because just australia is just such a nice place to be in and to be fair steve and i did spend the whole time going should we just move here not that i've launched but we've only got until 44 to make this move on the points based system steve because steve's a busy

So he scores quite highly on the point scoring system. So if you're from another country and you want to go and live in Australia, you can't just go, oh, we're just going to go and live in Australia because they don't just let anyone in. How elitist. It's because it's so fucking nice there. That's why. They're like, no, we're all right, thanks. Unless you can bring something to the table. Not that arsed. Shut up. I didn't know.

this feels like a challenge it feels like a challenge well i've looked i there's no they're not in a need for um a comedian slash podcaster slash author but other areas so if you have it skill or a trade or something then or if you work in the medical field um then yeah they're happy for you to come over but you have to you have to go so it's a point scoring system but once you're over 44

your points are then massively downgraded. So they only want you when you're young, young and able. That's the cutoff. Yeah, that's Australians could say and that's when you're old. you're old fuck off fuck off and die we're going to feed you to the great whites yeah um so if we were going to ever do it we would have to do it in the next couple of years before steve hit 44 and other point

I mean, I'd have a little bit longer, but I wouldn't qualify on any of the other points. Do you know what? It's just how big Australia is, but how few people there are, which is what I think probably one of the lovely things. We went to the Steve Irwin Zoo and we were like, oh my God, there was nobody there.

But that was a normal day. You know, everywhere you go, it's chilled. It's the sun's shining, even in winter. I spent a lot of time around Brisbane and on the Gold Coast and Sunshine Coast. And it was... 23 24 degrees in in winter sunny nice everyone's just happy they have a lot of things that can kill them

But they're like, well, we'll take the trade off because look how nice it is here. So yeah, I just felt like all the Aussie shows, everyone, and the New Zealand show. I had one person gobbling off in the New Zealand show, right? Somebody kept shouting out and they weren't heckling, but they were just trying to be part of it.

Fuck in the UK, weren't they? It was an expat. I was like, oi, sit yourself down. Shut the fuck up. And how were your bananas? Oh my God, the bananas were hilarious. I did take pictures of all the bananas. Honestly, this rider stressed all the people out at the venue so much. So in Melbourne, they were so worried about the banana that they sent the general manager of the Athenaeum Theatre.

in Melbourne out to go and buy a selection of five that they could then pick from to present me with the best banana. My tour rep in New Zealand, Lani, he was lovely. And I only met her on that day. Really, really lovely girl. And she was like, is the banana a fucking joke? I was like, no. That was your point to go, well, yeah, actually it is. But you were like, no.

No, no. And then Brisbane, they hadn't even looked at the rider because I had probably like a, I don't know, maybe a foot long banana. It was massive. It was ginormous. Bruised as fuck. I was like, what is this? I had a lovely show in Brisbane and the theatre was incredible, but the banana really let it down for me, if I'm being honest. Let's try harder. And what about the crowds? Were they rowdy?

do you know what they were rowdy but in a really good way and they were um i have to say though because i did a bit in the uk show and i brought it over to australia as well i just asked people for um the vagina names this is and this was always in the uk absolute slackbags filled buckets some of the names that were thrown out of me in those audiences were just spectacular a little bit more reserved in australia

A little bit more reserved. Yeah, a little bit slower to shout out. I mean, once they got warmed up and they felt that it was a safe space, like most vaginas, they were a lot happier to get going with the combo. Once the wiggly stuff of it. Once everything was flowing, they were like, okay, this is...

not this bad maybe we'll do this four times a week and so yeah so once they got going but they were a little bit more reserved and I tell you what happened though in Sydney so Sydney I was a little bit apprehensive about Sydney and maybe because you know it was you know big buzzing and

And anyway, I rocked up to the gig. It was a really cool venue called The Factory. Kind of quite dark, very comedy club vibes as opposed to some of the other theatres that I've been to. I actually do feel really home at home in a comedy club. I was in the UK. I actually much prefer.

during gigs in comedy clubs like I always said to you like whenever I've done the stand those ones have always been my favorite shows so I did see the venue and I felt more at ease and then also this is the first for me in Sydney I had an Auslan interpreter that came so that's australian sign language and i've not had a sign language person ever come to my uk shows um so hopefully moving forward i can do it for uk shows as well but it was so interesting it was this amazing girl called bella

And she came and she had no prior warning to what the script is. I know, I know. I was like, hi, Bella. I'm so sorry for what's about to happen right now. Oh, God. But she was dead chill and she must have been in her early 20s. Her parents were both deaf and so she'd grown up learning sound language. And so this is how she'd got into it. So she just... goes to gigs goes to comedy stuff theater stuff and she stands on stage and just without any prior warning as to what has gone on she's able to

sign away as to what yeah it's honestly just it's it's mind-blowing and I'd said to her as well it's like also being scouse I talk really quickly as well she's like that's fine don't worry about it so She just, yep, she stood on the side of the stage and she, so she was there doing that. And then I was probably about five minutes in and these two lads walked in late, sat on the front row, pretty much the front row. Second, but it was the way the seats were set out. They were.

There was nobody in front of them. So I was halfway through what I was speaking about. I was like, sorry, everyone. I was like, we're just going to have to stop. I was like, just need to address everybody's attention to these two chaps walking in late. I was like, all right, boys.

I'm just going to go out here now and say that they didn't look like the normal demographic of person that comes to my shows, by which I mean, they weren't of a certain age. They weren't female that I was aware of. And, you know, they just... out of place and so I stopped these guys and I was like oh you're all right boys I was like what we just out for a lads lads lads night out I was like sit sit down I was like it's all right okay I was like well I'm just intrigued as to what's going on

right here like are you okay you're in the right place and so they were like oh yeah um what what's happened here is um is dad is one of those points the other one is dad bought us the tickets i was like so what

So transpires that these two lads have got no idea who I was, no idea what was happening that night at the theatre with their dad. And I have to say, top... bants by the dad right has bought them these tickets to come and see me they were 20 oh my god they were single they were just they were like deers in the headlights jordan and hamish were their names and can i just say as a comedian and when you've done a lot of live shows it doesn't happen very often

that you get a gift from the comedy gods such as two 20-year-old lads who've got no idea why they're there. One of their dads, for a laugh, has bought them tickets to come and listen to me talk for nearly two hours about vaginas. Do you know what? They'll have learned a lot. They learned a lot. And I have got... My friend Amy was there at this show and she recorded most of this exchange with these lads. I'll post it on Instagram. It was brilliant. And to be fair...

They were such good laughs and I did the interval and I said that I doubt very much they're going to be back after the interval because I don't pick, I'm like, you know, I'm not mean in that sense, but when I sense blood, much like a great white shark.

I will you leverage an opportunity exactly and I will go for it and I'd yeah I'd had a lot of fun with these lads and but they were so up for it came back from the interval they were still there they'd come back with their bites they were having a lovely time so Jordan and Hamish

but it was very funny it was it was brilliant they that made the made the experience and then actually sydney then turned out to be one of my faves that i did i think probably just for that so yeah yay australia thanks thanks jordan and hamish thanks

Yeah, absolutely traumatized. But thanks so much for coming, lads. And thanks to either Jordan or Hamish's dad, whichever one it was, for buying them tickets because it was just absolutely hilarious. I was fuming that I was doing the show and I wasn't watching it.

Because I was like this, if I was in an audience and this was happening and there were people like filming it, just like, oh my God. So funny. Not blowing my own trumpet there. I was hilarious. It was more like, it was just the set up of it was just, it was golden.

I tell you what, let's put a little pin in us right there. Because, you know, a lot happened. There's a lot to dive into. And I've not even got as far as the bloody RV yet, have I? Not even. My favorite form of transport. Not even got that far. So let's park it and let's come back to it next week for round two, guys.

Travel more comfortably via the Platinum Platinum American Express card. Take advantage of the Fastlane at Brussels Airport, the access to the airport lounge in the whole world, or even the Assurance Voyage. Should we do a little bit of... Urban Dictionary Corner Urban Dictionary Corner I have missed my Urban Dictionary scrolls.

um so this was submitted this one uh by my friend Steph and I can't believe I've not come across this it is cracking right so Sophie McCartney what do you think a fanny worm is oh no oh god okay well i tell you what right this this might be correct it might not but do you know that you get bum worms that can live in your fanny

I mean, I am still of the opinion that bum worms are some imaginative, magical creature. They are not. Live in denial. They're a real thing. You can get tablets for them. Just have them always in your cupboard just in case. But fanny worms... in terms of technicalities is when you have bum worms and one comes out at night and goes for a walkabout and falls down another hole and it gets confused as to which way it's come.

Gets confused with the sat-nav and ends up in your vag. In a deep, dark hole. Yeah. So, okay, so they are a real thing from that sense, but okay. That's not what it is. Oh, God, is it a horrible, really skinny penis? Is it a little, like, oh, oh, no. A little tiddler. Yeah, a tiddler that's maybe been, like, run over or... trapped in a press. Do you remember those presses that you had when you used to do DT at school? And some bright spark put their schlong in one of those DT.

presses and it's now flat as a pancake and just really long and skinny and it's and then they try to dip it in a fanny but it's like trying to play snooker with a piece of rope Is that a funny worm? I'm quite jet-lagged. Do you know what? I don't know what shocks me more. That's where your head goes. Or the fact that people at your school used to put their willies in the clamps in design technology. Well, I mean... it would be a stretch because I did go to an all-girls school so you know

Okay, so that didn't happen. You've just assumed that some people did do that. Some people, I imagine, probably somewhere in a mixed school. I mean, right in, if you went to a mixed school, did anybody ever put their willy inside a DT club? I don't know. It feels like it could be a weird, strange, sexual kink. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know, nipple clamps. Maybe that's where it came from. Maybe a nipple clamp. Maybe it's a cock clamp. Maybe it's something like that. Okay.

All right, a fanny worm. Right, I'm going with a fanny worm is a little skinny willy and... what happens is that person with a little skinny witty just goes out and they kind of like slap it about and kind of just flip it and try and so then try and feel it hitting the sides yeah just flap it in it's like going fishing you're just gonna cast it just whack it in see if anything fishy comes out on the end

i love doing this with you while you're a little bit jet lagged okay that's not what it is do you have you got anything else in there before we uh reveal is it like an earworm you know when like something really catchy In a non-sexually transmitted kind of way. In a figurative sense. Yeah, like you found a great fanny. And you just can't stop thinking about that fanny. And it just runs around in your head all day. Oh, God, I've got a right fanny worm going on.

Like an earworm. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't stop thinking about that fanny. I think it's like that. I love that. Okay. So, no, it's not. But really, really strong attempt. Okay. I don't know if I'm going to be able to say this one. Right. Fanny Worm is little bits of... Oh, already. If I could frown properly because I've just had my Botox done. I already feel that this is going to be disgusting. It is so disgusting. Right.

A fanny worm is little bits of rolled up tissue paper that get caught in a lady's beef curtains after using the toilet. A fanny worm in the mouth is one of the most disturbing things that can happen. It will scar you for life.

I was muff diving and all of a sudden I got a huge fanny worm in my mouth. It made me puke all over a lady garden. I mean, I'm just going out on a limb here and say probably one of the most disgusting things to ever happen is somebody... vomiting into your vagina i'd take a little bit of slightly warm and maybe moist toilet roll flicked into my mouth as opposed to somebody chundering a dominoes into my fanny

I'm going to go out on a limb and say there's probably an urban dictionary for that one, isn't there? Like some domino. Parenting fails slash parenting tales. Parenting fails slash parenting tales. Got a good one this week, Lucy. We've got a fresh one. Fresh for the new series. It's almost like a new series, isn't it? It is. It feels like it. I have got a cracker. I've been waiting to tell you this for three whole weeks. Oh, God. I'm on the edge of my seat.

So we're going to call this one the UTI. Oh, nice. Keeping things relevant to vaginas. Hi, ladies. Please keep me anonymous. You'll find out why. Excellent. So, when my little girl was a bit younger, she would often get water infections. Happens to us all, babe. It was getting to the point where she was getting them regularly, so we decided to take her to the doctor's to find out why.

The GP referred us for a test at the hospital where a doctor did a procedure which involved inserting a bit of dye into her bladder. and then urinating through a catheter so they could locate the source of the infection. As you may know, a catheter fitting isn't pleasant. Have you had one before? Yeah.

Well, to be fair, I've only ever had them taken out that I was aware of because I've had three C-sections, but I would numb completely, so I didn't feel them going in. I can feel the clamping pinch. Oh, gosh. We call a vagina a foof in our house so we would talk about her sore foof. Oh. Bless her. Anyway, she was in reception class at the time. And the next day, I got a phone call from her teacher.

The teacher said she had been speaking to my child and she had told her that a man had put something up her foof and that bit hurt. Oh no. The teacher then clearly interrogated her a bit more and my child said... She didn't know why he did this. I tried to laugh off and I explained what happened with the doctor. Anyway, after laughing it off, the teacher said they had already informed social services. We then had to be screened by social services. Oh my God.

We were interviewed, we had various calls, and they had to go through all of the medical and hospital records to ensure that this was correct information. Fucking hell. Once we were cleared... We were told that we were now on the watch list. which is a list of children that require close monitoring for social services. If my child was to say or do anything slightly sus, then it would be flagged to social services and would be dealt with immediately.

Thankfully, we've managed to avoid any further integrations. So I guess the learning here is making sure your child is fully briefed after any UTI test. Oh my God. That is awful. But you know what? I understand that, you know, anything like that has to be flagged. You know, that's that's fine. But I think once it's this proof that shows. exactly what happened I mean to be to put on a watch list for something like that

Oh, my God, that would end me. Also, you know what we're like with health anxiety? Like, imagine the health anxiety and worrying about, say, Evelyn had a water infection or whatever. We would be... chatting to each other about the worst possible scenario and then to have to deal with this whilst you're already waiting for the results back you would just be like the learning is to make sure that you brief your child but I don't know how

I mean, do you know what though? And this is like going off track and there's slightly more serious issues. You think- There's so many things that you hear about in the news that have been failings in departments, that awful things have happened to children and nothing's ever been picked up on, or they've already been in the social service system.

things have still happened to them whereas actually you look at something like that that there's medical records there's you know it can be put down to a child just saying something and Then the anxiety, if that happened to me, the mental health repercussions that that would have on me, that we were in a system.

for something like I just I just couldn't I just couldn't so oh my gosh I mean surely common sense at some point should have prevailed yes and I think as well the fact that she said that she tried to laugh off with the teacher like oh my god that's so funny guess what actually happened they're like you've already been registered on the list we've already we've already ratted on you oh my god that was quite an extreme one to come back to it was wasn't it well welcome back so here we go

Well, there we go. First episode back, Luz. How does it feel? Feels nice to be back. Yeah, I feel like I've wet my whistle. You have wet your whistle. I potentially wet myself a little bit as well during that one. So that was nice. I am still feeling quite cocky. You know, the jet lag's not hitting me too hard. So we'll see how cocky I am maybe this time. I'll tell you what's happening tomorrow.

tomorrow to be able to fill everybody else in next week you'll be back when this goes out i will be back um i'm off on a girl's trip often and i know you're not coming so i won't end up in jail so that's fine it will be It won't be the same off to Spain with the girls to go and have our 40th birthday celebrations. So we're going just south of Palma. I still don't know where I'm going. This is awful. I'm so busy. when everyone booked it, I just went, take my money, book it.

I'll just turn off. Just tell me where I need to be and I'll just come. And so my friend, God love it, one of my friends, Christina, she has just gone and sorted all of this out. I just gave money to Christina and then that's fine. So I couldn't actually tell you.

where I'm going I know that we're just south of Palma somewhere in Mallorca that's all all I know really anyway but um yeah so I'll be able to fill you all in about my raucous girls strip I think actually we can't be that far away from um Magaluf because somebody had said

there's a bar in Magaluf that we could go to. And I was like, babe, I couldn't go to Magaluf when I was 80. And I'm not going to be going when I'm 40, am I? It just seemed like the worst place back then. I'm not going to be going now. All right. Okay. Right, guys. We will be back on Thursday with a little snackette for a fling, a little, a fling, a fling, a fling, a fling, which of course is the Dutch version of fingerblast.

I've always, if you think it's all right, then give us a review, but don't bother leaving one if you think it's shit. And we'll see you next week. Hit the jingle. Strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and nits to snap, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.