Mard-ons and Hard-ons

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of the Tired and Tester podcast with me, Sophie McCartney, who is the... exceptionally tired and tested today I got a little bit of jet lag loose oh jet lag going on because I'm such an international jet setter I would say I'd feel for you but I don't because you've had a holiday in the century I have to be right okay I am going to set out.

with a little bit of a warning that I am going to sound like an ungrateful wanker. I have had a lovely holiday in the sunshine. I have, okay? And I appreciate that, you know, not everybody can get away and do that. So I am very lucky that I've been able to go away and do that. However, I did go with all of my children.

And it wasn't really a holiday, was it? It's not really a holiday. And do you know what? What gets me is when you come back from holiday, people go, oh, did you have a lovely holiday with your family? And I'm like, no, because I was with my family. Yeah. Did you have a lovely, relaxing holiday with your kids? No. Those words do not go together to equal a yes. I did not have a lovely, relaxing holiday with my children. I was away in the sun.

Basically trying to stop all three of my children from dying from various different things. And there's something about going on a holiday that just turns my kids into absolute dicks. Absolute dicks. I don't know what it is. It's got to be the sun.

Whether or whether it's just the enforced family time, because we've taken them away from their normal routine, taken them away from their friends and, you know, and we've just said, right, you've just got your brothers or you've just got your brother and your sister for 10 days.

go and they just murder each other they're screaming they're shouting and jack turned into because it was actually jack's birthday while we were away so he turned 11. Legs 11. Legs 11 and he has got blooming legs like no one for miles but The night before, do you remember the Kevin and Perry sketch where Kevin turns into the teenager? I'm not joking. It was like that the night before his birthday. And he'd been a little bit...

Aggie for a couple of days before and he gets into a bit of a grump and you know he kind of you know he's a bit sulky but not anything like this I'd left steve and jack downstairs to have a game of checkers they had like a floor game downstairs in the hotel in 1965 yes we did time travel and it took so feckin long to get there anyway so i'd left them downstairs and i'd got a

to bed well come up to get nate in bed and sort some stuff out so i was still awake when they came back and they came in and jack I can't even describe it. It was like a different person. It was like a different child. So the body snatchers had come in and they'd taken my child and replaced him with a teenager. This is all the night before his birthday. And he wouldn't speak. He would not speak. he was just making this noise. That's what he was doing.

Like he was having a really bad tricky poo. And I was like, sweetheart, I wondered whether he'd hit his head, he'd fallen over, he'd hurt himself because he just, he was not communicating. He was making this awful noise. And then... once he then did start actually speaking he was just throwing shit insults at steve and and i was like babe i was like come on if we're gonna if we're gonna insult your dad like make it worth it make it count

okay just call call them a dickhead like go for it if you because you're gonna get into trouble either way here don't just be like you're an idiot Steve's going mad at him because he's been so disrespectful to Steve. And it was just like his shoulders, the expression on his face, it was horrible. But then we had to get up in the morning.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Yeah, exactly. The presents you don't deserve, you knobhead. And I said to Steve, I was like, we can't not give him his birthday presents on his birthday. Because he woke up in the morning and in a way it was quite funny because he woke up and it was like he'd been pissed the night before and he had a hangover. It's the only thing that I can liken it to. And he kind of knew that he'd been a dickhead.

the night before and so he was dead sheepish and it's exactly how Steve is when he wakes up in the morning and he's been a knob after he's been drinking and I've been crossing him for something and he woke up and he was like hi morning morning happy birthday so anything you'd like to say to mommy and daddy and he's like Sorry. Tail between his legs. Yeah, it really was. Like he's had a hangover and he was having to apologise to everybody for being a little sweat.

So then we gave him his birthday present. So we'd wanted a Lionel Messi shirt because he now plays for Inter Miami, which is David Beckenstein. And from nowhere, two days before we went on holiday, he said he wanted a bloody Messi shirt and they're really hard to get, but I managed to get one. Hang on, is it not Lionel Messi? Lionel. Oh, is it? Is that how I always thought it was Lionel? No, it's not Lionel. It's like Lionel Blair.

I'm not one for football. Okay, so Lionel... No, because he's Argentinian, isn't he? He's Lionel. Okay, good. My name's Lionel. Lionel Messi. Lionel Messi's the name. Messi is my game. Okay. Yeah, it's hard to go. But I managed to get him on. I managed to get him this bloody shirt. All the anxiety that it wasn't going to get to me before we went on. So I got him there. And then we got him a phone.

We got him a photo. Oh, Sophie. I know. We have held out and we have held out and we have held out on the phone. And he's... Probably one of the last kids in his class to get a phone. Now, I didn't buy him a phone. He got one of my old iPhones, you know, that had a big crack down the front. It's in a drawer. It isn't worth selling. That's what he got. Battery life. This is going to kill him off because the battery only lasts about 20 minutes. Sucker.

Yeah, exactly. We don't need, you know, like, you know, the time restrictive apps on things, guys. Just give your kids old iPhones and they can only have 20 minutes of screen time. It's the universe. Yeah, exactly. Nature's way.

old iPhone but um so we gave so I gave him this iPhone and like the minute I gave it to him I regressed my life choices but the reason that i gave it to him is because he is now starting to walk home from school um and he'll be going to high school in september and he needs to get the bus and i just need to stalk my child i need find my kid on on my phone so i can see where he is at all times

whatsapp in are they playing something well he's asked me if he can have whatsapp and i've said no um and apparently there is a class whatsapp group and no good can come of this right And he's apparently the only kid that is not on the class WhatsApp. And I said to him, I was like, well, here's the thing, darling. I was like, if you have WhatsApp, I was like, mummy is going to have to enforce spot checks on this. You're 11. You can't just be left.

You're not mature enough to be able to just say whatever you want to your friends because isn't it so difficult? And I was finding it really difficult to explain this to him because even as adults, I think that we say things over. text communication that can be taken out of context they can be read the wrong way and it's not the kids you're not bothered about the kids reading his messages it's the kids parents picking up the phone what is he doing

So I said, well, okay, if you have WhatsApp, then I can pick up your phone because I control it all on family sharing from my phone. So I have all his passwords. He doesn't know his password. So I have access to everything. I can put screen time.

on everything shut him down turn his internet off everything and I said well I will pick up your phone and I will look at whatsapp so I said you can have whatsapp as long as you're happy that I can pick it up and look at and he was like well no mommy I was like well sorry, if you are not wanting me to see what you're writing, then you're saying things that you shouldn't be writing.

also this morning so he's gone to school it's not got a sim card in it yet that's how disorganized i am so you can't even actually use it he got yeah i can't track him he said can i take it to school with me today and i was like well done because mommy needs to get a sim card for i need to get a page you go i don't understand page you go now nowadays by the way

confusing i was like i mean just needs to work out what the best deal is and everything and then i'll sort it out we said can i just go and can i just show my foot show my friends and I can get on the internet at school on the wi-fi and I was like no you can't I was like school or just handing out the wi-fi code to all the kids that don't use their data up so he has gone to school with it today for just no purpose apart from just to show his mates as he was um

leaving he made a friend on holiday he made a friend who was a girl not a girlfriend okay not a girlfriend well he's not going to tell you but she was more Evelyn so Evelyn made friends with her and then it turns out she's actually the same year at Jack and they only live about 50

minutes away from us at home so which is nice anyway so he'd been he'd said can i have alice's number so they swapped and i was like you don't have a number i was like but you can have his email address and you can my messaging And anyway, and so we messaged this morning saying, oh, Alice has messaged. Can I send, she's asked if I can send her a picture. And I was like, of what? And he just looked at me really confused and said, my face.

so again I'm there trying to make a butty in the morning to give to go in the pat lunch whilst trying to explain the dangers of sexting to my 10 year old I went without encouraging it yeah it's a very fine line I said And I said, what would you do if somebody asked you to send a picture of your private parts? He just looked at me like I'd lost it completely. I went, ew.

i'd think that they were really shifty i was like it's the right answer is the right answer i was like and and the thing is darling you can never send a picture of your private parts to to somebody um because you're just not allowed and he's like why would i I said, okay, but now I'm worried about, now I'm worried about. So I've, I've drummed this message into him. I mean, quite early in the morning for don't send dick pics to 10 year old girls. Right. But.

now what now what i'm worried about is that i've ingrained this in his mind so when he's 25 or something and a girl's like sent him a message oh boy it's under which way he goes yeah yeah somebody has sent him a message of their bits And it's consensual on their side. And they're like, send me a pic. And he's going to reply, my mum won't let me. Or he's going to ask me.

He's going to ask me whether he can send a dick pic to somebody. He's got to look left, right, left again and ask his mum before he sends a dick pic. It's very good. Somebody needs to make a parenting book about this, about how you explain, maybe there is, how you can explain all the dodgy, consensual things to children without making them really weird in later life.

But, you know, you've got to teach them consent. You've got very, very important. I'd rather that and him to be embarrassed about that than what could come from the other way, right? Exactly, exactly. Get it in there early. Just maybe not while, you know, you're buttering a bit of bread at the same climb and trying to make a lunchbox. It was a very confusing time for all can say. Oh my goodness. So back to the holiday. I have been, I'm really...

And really, so you went to Dubai. Went to Dubes. You've only been to the airport. Only been to the airport. Which, by the way, is a very impressive airport as far as airports go. Flipping huge, isn't it? It's massive. We got there and the kids, they were so funny. They were just, I... mouths open in awe and they just turned around and went wow this place is the future

Yeah. And also it feels like it's laced in gold. So fancy. They also likened it to, have you seen the Disney film Zootropolis? Yeah. They thought we'd taken them on holiday to Zootropolis. Oh my goodness, hilarious. So tell me, we've not spoken since you got back. So I really am intrigued because last time we were talking about the fact that you were going to be taking the three kids to Australia.

Dubai is, how long is the flight to Dubai? So to get to Australia. Seven on the way there, eight on the way back for Dubai. Yeah. Right. So Australia's basically like 24. Yeah. How are we feeling? How are we feeling about you two? Go on, tell me. I've been waiting. I've been waiting to see how this goes. I was probably about 20 minutes into the flight out of Manchester and I massively regretted my life choices.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, at least. But I've told them that they're all going. So now I can't turn around and say, mummy's not taking you all. To be fair, the big two were fine. Jack did not move. On the flight home yesterday, Jack did not move out of his seat for eight hours. Yeah, but times that by three. Yeah, but I still think he probably wouldn't. He must have been so dehydrated. He didn't get out once for a piss. Just was like, happy as.

Had a screen in front of him with no restrictions. People kept bringing him snacks and he was just having the best time. ever. Evelyn also the same. She wanted to get up a few times and go for a wee. But apart from that, I didn't hear them. The problem was Natie Chops, who is now at the running, like the wind, speed of wind.

And on the way out, it wasn't too bad because I had Steve was sat behind me. We were in a row of three. Steve was then on the row behind me. So he just was standing on my knee.

doing peak bow with Steve behind wanted he just wanted to see as long as he could see Steve didn't want to sit with Steve like when I tried to pass him off he'd start crying and he'd want to crawl back and sit with me but as long as he could see Steve and he could get off my knee and walk around the seat and you know and he was fine the problem with coming home yesterday was they'd given us the extra leg room which was nice because you can get the sky cots

The problem also was he's too big for the sky cot. So we had the extra like room, but with no real benefit of this because we couldn't put him in the sky cot because he was eight times bigger than the sky cot. I mean, if I like folded him in half and just... put my elbow down, I could have got him in the Skycar. So that's so anyone flying Emirates, by the way, if you ever fly Emirates, if your child is over six months, you can't use the Skycar.

So this was an interesting fact for me because when we flew to America last summer and we went with Virgin, their skycots are much bigger. They're kind of more just like a flat bed that you strap them into so it doesn't matter if they're bigger and that's what I was expecting.

With Emirates, it's like a bassinet thing. That's what it's like on BA. That's when we flew to America. Even when I think Bowie was only about... seven six months maybe and he was little and we had the bassinet and be able to fly to America to see jazz and even then he was in like a coffin very small

So the problem was that they'd given us, still kept us in those seats, but then said, well, you can't use the sky cot because your kid's giant. And they put Steve, because it was a row of three where the extra leg room was, they put Steve on the other side of the galley. So, you know, the kitchen bit. So the problem being that Nate could see Steve, but he couldn't get Steve.

and even when then the seatbelt sign was off he was then trying to run back and forward but it's where all the cabin crew were preparing all the hot meals it's you know it and it was just a nightmare it was the on the way back was the worst and so I was up and down with him and because we were on this big air bus and it had first class upstairs so they had this roped off area obviously we were not first class

There's a rooftop area with these big stairs and they make the stairs look so exciting. First off, there's a bar at the top that you can see as a grown-up. imagine imagine so there's the bar at the top and then so there's a big rope and of course a big rope to a small child is just it's fair game that isn't it there's something good on the other side of that rope and they want it But not only that, but they put all twinkly lights inside of the stairs. So it was basically Alton Towers.

They're a one-year-old. But they're not allowed to play on it because, you know, it's the first glass stairs. And so they kept coming along and being like, oh, please remove your child from the stairs. And I'm like, don't put the big fucking twinkly stairs in the middle of an airplane then. If that was me, I'd be like, right, Nate.

just let him go and then I'll be like oh guys I'm so sorry my baby has just gone I'll go and get him no no no you carry on doing your job I'll go and get him off the stairway to heaven and just be like oh oh while I'm here would you mind i'm a little bit thirsty do you know what though and

something I was actually I wasn't overly impressed with Emirates for this actually and I will you know Emirates have not paid me to go on holiday so I will feel free to speak my mind this episode is not sponsored by Emirates and all the cabin crew they're all really helpful but

apart from obviously the seating issue is why would you put a family and we kept trying to change it and they wouldn't let us they said they'd overbooked the flight which is also dick moves like from airline so they'd overbooked so some poor people wouldn't have been allowed on the plane because they're both Anyway, but they've overbooked, so there was no wriggle room for the movement around in the cabin for different seats. And I was like, but why would you put?

a separate a family to that degree where steve is actually sat in a separate part of the plane steve was delighted by the way he was fucking delighted he got on the plane and he was like oh i don't feel well i feel a bit fluey and he'd been and and he's like i just think i need to rest and i was like do you you think you need to rest well sorry motherfucker that isn't happening

Anyway, so he was sat on the other side and obviously I was saying about the fact that Nate was running in between. So what I then had to do, Steve came and sat in my seat. I had to sit on the floor.

wedged between the wall and the seats where the extra leg room was and then Nate would sit on the floor and if I was sat there he would sit on the floor and he would play and he wouldn't run so we've paid money for this extra seat and I'm sat on the floor but then a lovely girl comes up to me one of the cabin crew girls I don't think you can we call them air hostesses anymore I don't know if that's it's just cabin crew anyway

She comes over and she'd been lovely. And she said, I'm really, really sorry. She said, this isn't me. She went, this has come from my manager. You're not allowed to sit on the floor. At this point, we were four hours into an eight-hour flight where I'd spent at least three and a half running up and down.

this bloody plane after my child. I bet everyone fucking loved you. I know, exactly. But at this point we're contained and I'm sat, Nate is sat on the floor. He's reading the Hey Doggy book. Everything is quiet. Everything is calm. And I was just, I mean, I was dead nice to her, but I was like, okay. I was like, here's the thing. You're like, here's the thing, Judy. Fucking Judy. Here's the fucking thing. Your name's Sian, but I'm going to call you Judy, okay?

I was like, and I ran through this scenario and I was like, somewhere somebody's allocated us these these seats and it's and it's a bit ridiculous and my child is running through your legs you're carrying hot food you've got hot drinks the trolley's nearly taking them out about four times okay

It is easier for everybody if we just stay here. And I was like, you know, I'm not a confrontation. I was very nice. And I just said, if your manager would like to come and talk to me directly about this issue. Please, please tell him, and I knew it was him, please come and tell him to come and talk to this very tired mother sitting on the floor of her own choice when she has a seat. because this is not what I want to be doing with my late hours. And she went, okay. And then he didn't call.

is the floor lava i don't know whether like my weight might tip weighing downwards if i'm sat on the floor out of the way in the extra leg room that we've probably paid for somewhere along the way like i don't i don't know anyway

Fortunately, about an hour after that, he gave up the ghost and he went to sleep for 20 minutes. So I got to sit down and watch three minutes of Oppenheimer. Great thing to watch while you're on an airplane. Not about those two guys from Selling Sunset, which is what I discovered halfway. Oppenheim group oh man well you know I was thinking perhaps she should just be considering

What your flight to Australia could be like with, you know, a Dubai flight times three. Or we could just use the money that you would have sent and put us a business class.

If this now happens with the kids, I'm going to have to break this up into about... eight different stopovers along the way i'm gonna have to leave for australia two months before my first tour day I can see myself right when I do that last date in Perth I'm gonna have to just apply for residency in Australia because I know I know how awful it's I'm not gonna be able to do it again I'm not gonna be able to go back

i'm not please guys i can't do it again oh my god and people you know people um because i've been when people had been messaging me saying any advice that you've got about um about taking a toddler on a plane i was like yeah don't don't do it just don't same thing happened to me last year when i went on when jazz was in america and i remember i had kit was three and then i had a buoy who was

six months and people were like oh my god what was what's your advisor but just don't do it like save your sanity like if you have a choice to not do this don't do it wait till they're old enough so that they can enjoy screen yeah exactly even kit was like didn't have the attention span to watch a screen for seven hours no it is hard graft and i think we're very lucky

being in the uk being so close to beautiful european destinations as well so i would say short haul it short haul it unless you absolutely have to would probably be my advice I wonder if you um if you maybe take diazepam oh no sorry that's not my sorry I misread the situation maybe

Maybe you just say there's been a change. Mummy has to go and do some tour dates. So we're moving Australia and just take them to like Lance Robbie or something, babes. They'll never know. They'll never know. Then they'll come back and tell the kids all about how amazing the patatas Bravas was in Australia. Those canary and potatoes are out of this world. You know, you live and you learn. And, you know, I feel like this is potentially the universe.

giving you a heads up yeah and like this is your you've not booked your plates yet this is your chance to just back out this is your chance to just go hang on like do this dread it and hate it Or do I fly business class? With Lucy and have a lovely time in Australia. 10 days. Answers, votes on a postcard, please, guys. What should you do? Thing is, you'd have so much fun with me in business. Oh, we would. Imagine.

You'd be falling down the stairs. I think you'd get a free bar in business class. She'd be up, she'd be down, and then she'd just be headfirst into economy the whole way.

but I do feel that the universe really like it's not fair the way that it tricks you because you go you spend your youth going on holiday with your parents and then you just think you have this like amazing 10 potentially 20 if you like us 20 well me 20 years of solo travel or with your partner or with your best mates and you have the best holidays ever where you literally do whatever you want and then you have children and it's almost like it goes backwards

And it's not really very fair that, is it? Do you know what? I miss the most about holidaying pre-kids. And I love my kids. I wouldn't swap them out for the world. But there are certain elements of my life that I miss from pre-kid world. And it is the ease of getting out of a hotel room in the morning. Oh, yes.

just literally don't even shower flat on your swimmers and get out and you can put your cream on around the pool and you can have like you have a croissant and just get out and that whole process takes half an hour I was getting up, right? So I would get up at half seven. I'd go to the gym in the morning. But let me tell you, it was the most blissfully beautiful, quiet hour of my day. So I was like, Steve, you stay in bed. I'm going to go to the gym. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

and I would go and the gym was gorgeous overlocked the pool it was really like it was so nice it was so swank loved it had had a lovely time on my own um and then I'd come back to the room and I would say to Sarah so I'd set the alarm

I'd be like, right, you need to get the kids up. By the time I'm back from the gym, you need to have them up, get the sun cream process started. Without fail, every time I'd knock on the door, he'd answer it bleary-eyed. He'd just come back to sleep. So at this point, it's half past eight, maybe.

We then have to get the kids up. None of the kids want to get up because they've been late the night before because we're all out of whack. The device is four hours ahead and so like all their time is completely off and so we've been letting them stay up late. To be fair, Nate sleeps through on holiday because he goes to sleep at about 9, 10 o'clock and he sleeps through and that works for us.

You know, jobs are good. Yeah. But the flip is getting them all out of bed the next morning. So then by the time we put all the sun cream on, by the time you've gathered all the shit, I've loaded the pram up. I am moving home and I don't have any other vehicle to take any of my belongings in.

You can't even get through a doorway because you've got so much inflatable shit stopping you from getting out. That is a barrier. You can't even leave the room because the pram is too wide to leave the room. The minute that you lift the baby out, the pram's on the floor and all your shit's on the roof.

you're all up get it you're down you're down at breakfast then you go and do the breakfast buffet so how the breakfast buffet would roll when we were on holiday is that so you get in it's absolute fucking carnage there's just a sea of people everywhere there's just piles of donuts on their plates at seven o'clock in the morning i'd say to steve right you get the high chair for nate order some more milk for this bottle i'm gonna take the kids so i'd go off with the kids

And we'd go and we'd get our stuff. I'd then sit down with Nate. I'd say to Steve, you go. So then he goes off. I've still not got any food at this point. Steve then goes off. He's at the omelette station for five fucking years. While I'm there, just trying to spoon foreign Weetabix into Nate's mouth. And he's like, what the fuck is this? This ain't no oldie Weetabix. What is this? Fusing.

on the floor beneath him is then just a mountain like you know you see um the food waste mountains on the news that that you know for all the stuff that people don't use that's basically what's under nate's high chair of everything that he's just refused to eat and they're just trying to pick up all these bits of

soggy watermelon off the floor but i've still not had anything to eat steve's come back with his omelet like having a lovely time so he then has to eat his hot omelet and then i eventually go right i'll go and get something i just go i just get a bowl of fruit and yogurt and i just shove it down on the pie hole.

And then we go. But by this point, it's 11 o'clock in the morning. So we're then hitting the pool probably for quarter past 11. I've already sun-creamed them, thank God. So they can then just go in and throw themselves. And then I have to walk around. I feel like... A mum, well, and dad, I'm not, you know, not specifically doing this. Parents, but I do send Steve into the pool with the big kids. So that is kind of my thing. So Steve will go and play it because I try and be a fun mum.

But I hate it because they get on me in the pool and they have all their little scratchy toenails. They don't swim. They don't want to swim. They just want to get in the pool and sit on my head like a seagull. That's all they want to do.

just climb over me and sit on the edge and they've got all their little scratchy toenails digging into me and i'm just like oh i'll get an in swim with you but you don't want to jack's there armed and dangerous he's found a water nerf gun from somewhere just shooting it in my face so i'm just like

so i'm like steve you go in the pool with the kids i'll do i'll do the walk around the pool with nate and so he's got his little water vest on he wants to kind of throw himself in the pool and i have to drag him out by his armpits and take him to the toddler bit He then gets stuck in the toddler pool for about 45 minutes because Steve's then made a dad friend at the bar and never to be seen ever again. My back's burnt to shit. Nate then wants to get out and run.

just run, just continually run. And they're like doing a mom run after him in a bikini that's not supportive enough for my boobs. And then the absolute pinnacle of his holiday was the shower to wash your feet. And so I then would have to stand there watching Steve in the distance, like having a lovely time, just pushing the button on the shower so the water comes out and washes his toes. That's it. That was it. That was all day. And then because we were in Dubai in winter.

It get, the sun drops off it. Like it probably, you get the sun till about five, half five, but it probably loses its heat at about four. And it was beautiful weather. It was like 27. It was perfect. I probably wouldn't want to go to Dubai any other time of year because it's so hot.

But you don't get a very long day unless you're a really fucking organized person who doesn't have kids who gets up at the crack of dawn because it's warm from about eight. But we would miss half the day just trying to get out of the hotel room to breakfast. and so then the kids are like i'm hungry i'm hungry but like i'm not taking you into a restaurant to eat because we've only been outside for two hours at this point so

You're just going to have to have all the stuff that I've stolen from the breakfast buffet. So this year we took Tupperware. to steal from the breakfast buffet so normally we take napkins and well we steal the napkins and then steal the food and put it inside the napkins this year to be fair to my husband he packed tupperware what's that specific for the buffet steal so with the mornings

We then go and circulate and I'd do a sweep of all the bread rolls. People must have seen me walking around with one plate of bread, one plate of biscuits and other things to feed the kids around the pool. All the snacks have been like, fat fucking bitch. But... And I know some people, it's controversial, the buffet steal, but I know some people say that they don't agree with it because it's costing hotel money. But my argument would be this, that I have my bowl of fruit and yogurt.

in the mornings and other people they like pile their plates high right so i'm just taking what i would have eaten at breakfast and taking it later and we don't like food waste exactly and you know and a lot of all the pastries and stuff they're not going to be good for the next day so yeah you have to take them

but you do feel like a proper crimp and the buffet police are going to come for you. So we're there under the table, just like putting in, like putting all this stuff in and I'm like, Jack, Jack, Jack, put it in the bottom of the pram. And he's like, I don't want to put it in the pram. I don't want to be caught red-handed with the buff. And I was like, very happy.

to palm off the stolen Tupperware wares off on my child so that if we got caught, they'd get him and put him in jail instead of me. And so, yes, if they'd have us around the pool, they would have that. And then Nate would go for a sleep. at um about half past one two and that was I love my I love my third child so much that was the best point in the whole day when Nate went to sleep and he'd had his hour nap and you could set your watch around he'd have an hour and we put him in

But you're on the clock, aren't you? And then we were like, Steve and I were like, bums on loungers, go. So I think I let you tan on a sun lounger for one hour every day. And I only tan on a sun lounger. I don't tan walking around. And I don't know what that is. I have to, the only way I can tan is if I'm laying on my ass and I'm just absorbing. Worshipping, yeah. Worshipping, but I don't get, like the kids.

kids are so brown and they were in factor 50 just in the pool swimming walking around doing stuff I don't do that I must have just a really brown scalp Right, well, I'm going to tell you something because this is something our generation, I always believed when I was younger, having going like for a factor 15 would up my chances of getting a decent tan, yeah? You know, if you get the lower, like get more.

last year when I was in when I was away I was putting on factor 50 because I was just had it best time I've ever had in my life oh really there you go so I think it's because we are fools thinking that a light of lighter factor yeah maybe i mean and also we need to stop that mentality of feeling like getting a good tan is a good thing it is really bad it is um i don't go past 30

I go 50 on my face. So I have my skin and me. And that is brilliant. I actually need to put it on twice a day. And that is it. It's really, really good. And then I didn't drop below 30. So I don't anymore drop below 30. I use factor four. God's awful, isn't it? When you think about it. Oh my God. But I forgot. I've got.

as well I think I've got my dad's Irish skin and so yeah a little bit pasty so whenever I would go on holiday I would go on holiday with my friends who had more sort of olivey skin and they'd be on like the factor eights and the factor 15s and I'll be like yeah I'm going to be on that as well I don't know why I thought that I had to be on that as well and I would just be like literally I remember one year we went to Spain and we'd arrived literally

i put my sun cream on so fast i literally just wiped up my legs and then there was the sun in between the fingers oh my god sophie it was you could see the finger marks from where i got stripy legs and that was the most painful sunburn Ever. So yeah, wear your sunscreen, kids. Did I tell you who I saw on holiday, babes? Who I saw on holiday? Who I was rubbing shoulders with in the kids' pool. Rubbing shoulders with. Go on.

I know, slash pretending I hadn't seen him and put my extra sunglasses on so I could have a good gore. So he could stare. It was only bloody Andy Murray, Wimbledon champ. Wimbledon champ once or twice was he and you know he didn't do all that often but um I was I was in the I was in the baby pool with Nate so we had a water park that was built into the into the hotel and so Steve had gone off with the big kids going to the skate rides and just left me and Nate and I'd seen his wife I'd seen Kim

But I hadn't realized. I just thought, oh, I know her from somewhere. Just couldn't place her. And I was actually ironed up here. Cozzy, she had a really nice. She is beautiful, isn't she? She's beautiful swimming, Cozzy. And I was gawping out. And then I looked over my shoulder.

And in my head, I went, there's Andy Murray. And then I just turned back around again. Then I went, well, there's Andy Murray. He was literally stood behind me. And then he came and stood next to me in the pool. And I was like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. What do I do? What do I do? Do I say, hey, Andy, do you want to come on the podcast? Yes! do you know what i reckon kim would be up for a good laugh but i didn't speak to him because i'm i'm a shit bag and also like i don't

People come up to me on holiday, me and Andy, A-list. And I don't mind, I actually quite like chatting to people, but that's because it's quite sporadic. Do you know what I mean? People don't. plagued me and yeah you know it's not it's not the same it is 100% not the same if anybody comes to talk to me I'm like oh my god you follow me oh that's mad we're in the same place at the same time and so I'll have a lovely chat with whoever that is well Andy Murray like people must just be so annoying

I thought, there's absolutely no way I'm speaking to him. But I thought, but how can I infiltrate this situation? Really annoyingly though, one of his kids that was there that was probably about the same age as Evelyn, I thought,

I know. And she was off. I thought, oh, if she had gone over and I would have been like, make friends with that kid, make friends with that kid, make friends with that kid. And they'd be like, hi. But it was Nate and he was too young. Yeah. But I thought, oh, Andy Murray. But then, so Andy Murray then left. So I then lost eyesight of Andy and then Kim went somewhere. And in the corner of the pool.

There was a Wimbledon towel. Now, the hotel Gippie Towel. So somebody had specifically brought a Wimbledon towel with them. No other beach towel was around the pool because they were all the stripy hotel towels apart from this Wimbledon town. And I was like, oh, my God.

worry what a cock oh my god you have brought your Wimbledon and it was like 2018 or something and it was so it was circa when I think he might have actually won it it's it's like you lying on a sun lounger with your two number one bestsellers on the line Double Sunday Times number one bestseller across the front of it. Anyway, I've taken a picture of this. I've put this on Instagram. I'm like, is this Anthony Murray's towel?

I was like, I kind of want it to be, but it's so cringe. But then also imagine if it is not Andy Murray's towel, right? And you have brought, you are just a random person. who has brought this Wimbledon towel down to the pool thinking people are going to think I've won Wimbledon. And then imagine the horror, the sheer horror of sitting there. Everybody else has got a stripy pool towel. You're sat on a Wimbledon towel.

And Andy Murray walks in front of me. The social awkwardness of this. And so I was dying. I was dying inside, right? Anyway, Andy Murray, I did not see near the Wimbledon Tower. I didn't see anybody near the Wimbledon Tower. Then the next day, somebody messages me on Instagram who follows me and said, I just want to let you know, it was not Andy Murray's towel. It was my husband's towel. And I can confirm he is not only Murray. Oh, I love it.

I was like, oh my God, I'm dying for you, babe. Like secondhand embarrassment of the Andy Murray towel. I know, I know. All right, Luce, hit me.

with your Urban Dictionary Corner this week. What is it? Is it Andy Murray orientated? Is it Scottish? It's not. Okay. So what do you think a flying... squirrel is squirrel okay is it right oh the mental image it's not that dirty This is literally the first thing that popped into my head when you said that. Go on. I'm just excited. Go on. Picture Steve on the bed. Legs spread out.

Little Steve is standing to attention, right? He's prepped, he's ready to go. Imagine me from the other side of the room. I've done my Zoomy arms. I've done a massive sprint. I've Andy buried towards his balls, right? And I've leapt. I've landed on his nuts. Straight on, straight in. I'm going to have cystitis for six years afterwards. Is it that?

No, but let me, I'm going to give you one last chance and I'm going to give you the context sentence, okay? Oh my gosh, you know that crazy guy Jake? He pulled a flying squirrel in computer class. Okay. He did a big fucking nasty, dirty sneeze and a load of snot flew across the room into the computer screen. Is that it? Do you know what? When I tell you this one, you're going to be like, oh, of course. Yeah, probably not. But yeah, go on.

okay a flying squirrel is when you grab your one's testicle bag with the tips of fingers both hands and stretch the skin into opposite directions and this resembles Flying squirrel. Do you get it? Why was Jake doing that in computing class? Why was he doing that? Lots, lots, lots. In it, in it. Apparently, your flying squirrel is best displayed for people when tightly pressed against a glass window or door, typically found in computer labs.

To be fair, Nate does quite a lot of flying squirrels. He's just discovered all of his boy bits, so he spends a great amount of time just pulling them around and doing stuff. Well, now you know what it's called. You can be like, Nate, stop doing the flying squirrel. There we go. Loose!

Let's have a bit of parenting tales slash parenting fails parenting tales slash parenting fails okay so this is actually I've had a few good ones come through and I was like oh, this is great. But then my friend Beth, can you remember I told you the story about my friend Beth? She left her baby in the car park when she dropped the kids off the school. How is she in prison? Is she okay?

well we can always rely on Beth to come up with every now and then an absolute cracker so she's kind of trumped what I did to have planned I have to tell you this because it's brilliant so it's actually one of my friends Beth she's back So I'm going to call this one Valentine's Day. So last week it was Valentine's Day and it was half term as well for a lot of people, wasn't it? It was half term last week. So I took the kids into town.

It was Valentine's Day, so we went into Card Factory. Pushing the boat out, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And she said to the kids that they were allowed to choose a card for John, which was our husband. so bear in mind it's actually valentine's day the day they were in there so it was absolutely packed with people getting like their last minute cards um she's got eight year old twins

And then she's got a little... Because you know how she's... Yeah, yeah. But the oldest ones, they're eight. Eight-year-old twins. So she sends them off and off they are in the hunt for her card. Mally, who's her eight-year-old daughter, suddenly said very loudly, Mummy, what's a hard-on? So the entire shop starts laughing. And she's obviously like absolutely mortified. But then she'd already moved on to read out another card that she found.

She said, if Gary played his cards right, Helen's hair wasn't the only thing getting blown today. I don't get it, mummy. What does getting blown mean? Always censor your card shop. Maybe Swerve Card Factory if you have the kids with you. That's quite inappropriate, isn't it, really? So I actually, I asked her. um how she dealt with this because obviously she was asked the question and I was like Sophie's probably going to ask you know how did you how did you respond to that well Bev she's Welsh

She's Welsh and she speaks Welsh and so do her kids. So she said, first of all, she had to get her to stop saying hard on very loudly. Then I said it wasn't appropriate and then started to translate it in Welsh. for something the translation for something completely different so then her the other twin the boy

He said if that meant being hard on someone and that's not very nice. And she said, yes, it's not. It's not very nice. It's a mummy. It's a mummy and daddy joke. Yeah, hard-ons are not very nice in your back at six o'clock in the morning. They're not very nice. Yeah, exactly. So, but then.

she'd already moved on to and asking what balloon meant and why that didn't make sense so yeah just be careful the card factory i mean this didn't happen to be on a valentine's day card but one of my friends with sam avery gave me a lovely card and it says something like you're fucking amazing on the front thanks sam and i And I'd put it up on the window ledge in the kitchen. And Evelyn was like, mommy. And she's like, what is? And I was like.

and she just went what is funking I was like funking funking it's just like you're so cool fucking amazing and she was like yeah mommy you are fucking amazing i was like thank you very much i was like like fuck you can't read very well jack's like i think you'll find it so i was like

Okay, so there we go. Another episode is done and dusted for this week. Thank you so much for listening. I'm very impressed with myself that I actually stayed awake. Who knew that podcasting was the perfect cure for jet lag? If you enjoyed and you want to give us a cheeky little rating, five stars, please. Anything else, just fuck off. Don't bother.

No, no, of course not. Of course not. You know, I wouldn't want to sway you in any way there or not. I'm also, as I'm here, just kind of just plugging stuff. If you want to buy some tickets for the tour that are... Some still available, a smattering, I believe, for the UK tour. There is a link in, what's it called? What comes up underneath this, Luce? Is it a bio?

in the show notes show notes show notes look in our show notes and there's a link for that if you're australian so sorry about that um we are also i say we be

Me, I'm on tour, maybe with all of my kids, maybe with Lucy in the background. I don't yet know. I'm going to be hitting your shores at the end of May, beginning of June. Same with New Zealand. And again, the link is in there. Have a little click through. I think I've plugged everything that I need to plug. Oh, no, I haven't. Oh, my gosh, my books.

So in paperback at the end of this month, Lucy, net 29th of February. Perfect for putting in your handbag and getting on a plane and not reading because you're running up and down it after your children. So, but just take it and just live in hope that one day maybe you'll be able to read a book on holiday. And I think that's it. I think that's everything. Thank you so, so much. We will be back next week with more.

Probably tales of debauchery and flying squirrels. Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe place zone. Over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers. That lasts a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.