Kiwi Muff and Bum Stuff

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Sophie McCartney here, just casually reminding you that I am now on tour across the UK and Ireland with a brand new stand-up comedy show, One Foot in the Rave. Thank you so much to everybody who has been, who has bought a ticket at Northern Wales. Can you sort yourselves out? Well, you never come to... north wales well now i am i'm coming to land i don't know and where the fuck are you tickets are available

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Howdy, hello, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, however I'm coming in your ears. Welcome to another episode of the Chad and Tessa podcast with me, Sophie McCartney, and as always, I've got my beautiful Lucy with the fringe. Hi, babe. Hello. Just us today, just me and you, kidda.

just us oh you look glorious in pink pretty in pink to make the boys wink i've got such an outfit on today so i went to do the school run and it was a bit of a just throw on whatever so i've got on a pink a pink jumper black leggings Yeah, my Vogue one. Then I've got black leggings. Then I had all my Birkenstocks. Oh, nice. And my bikes.

With socks, yeah. And then my bright yellow beanie. It was just something I pulled together about. I thought I'm just going to lean into this and pretend that this was a conscious decision to look like. And welcome to School Run Mum Fashion 101. Just looking like you just fell out of somewhere drunk and just fell into the nearest collection of clothing that you could find.

i try and make it look like it's it's like chic though like charity shop chic no like no i i honestly like i sometimes like to me clothes wise you know what i also do i was like proper scared go go on sometimes i'll go to bed like jumper and leggings so not pajamas as such.

And, you know, it was really frowned upon. Like people got ashamed for going in their pyjamas. But I was like, well, tech is, they are my pyjamas because I've slept in them. But they look like outdoor clothes. And I'll sometimes just stand up.

in the clothes. Because if I'm going to do a workout, because normally if I drop the kids off and I'm then at home on my own, like my working days, I'll come straight back, I'll do my workout and then have a shower and then crack on with my day. So I'm like, well, there's no point putting on some new clothes. So I'll just roll.

roll myself out of bed in my leggings and a hoodie from the day before and then yeah oh did you ever did you ever do did you ever do when you were in school sometimes you were put uniform on before you went to bed so you wake up and you were just ready. No, but do you know what I used to do before starting a new school year? school new brand new school uniform out ready on the floor as like an invisible person so i'd be good like the evil man had a heart attack

Like a dead person, you know, like where you go and mark a dead person. But yeah, so I would put my shirt and then the tie over the top and then the skirt and then the two socks and my shoes. If you walked in in the middle of the night, you'd be like, what the fuck is it? Lucy melted.

Anyway, but no, I'm going to do that tonight because... Do that. Oh, babe, treat yourself. Give yourself an extra five minutes in the morning and just go to bed in what you're wearing the next day. Tell you what. Hashtag mum hack. Hashtag...

Scuzzy mum hack. I'm down with that. So what's been happening? What's been happening? Been touring. It's been a bit manic, actually. I've had two weeks, pretty much. I've just been on the road and I've been home twice. I will see my husband twice in the month of March because he's now away with work. Just like not even, not even ships that cross in the night, just ships that are in different oceans at the moment. So hoping that we don't get divorced.

divorced um i don't know i might come out of it better off but he won't um so i think distance makes i think that you know what when it comes when you've got small children i honestly think working away like having some time with for a work related because if it was if it's away on the lash then that's just going to wind you up even more yeah but feeling it away because Jez is away at the minute as well and actually I'm now at the point where I'm like

I think I'd be quite happy for my husband to be around now, whereas... I'll allow you back for a day until you fuck me off again and then go back to Australia, please. Thanks so much. I told Steve... so my second week that I was away and he was like I miss you and I was like oh I was like I don't know I've got my period and he was like oh great like he was he was delighted that one of the weeks that he's not seeing me was my period week because I was

Can't shag you, so what's the point in seeing you? So absolutely. delighted that he didn't don't have to have you crazy i don't i don't have to just deal with like the trauma of walking in and you put the tampon in and be like my eyes has he done that before has he come in mid mid change

Oh yeah. Yeah. But like, why is that the most, like the weirdest point of your relationship with your husband? If you think about some of the other things that happened in life, he's also walked in and a kid's been coming out of me. Do you know what I mean?

A bit of cotton wool is the least of my problems, I'm telling you. At least it was like the poo. Yeah, I have a boundary. Because our problem is that we have a Jack and Jill... bathroom so to get from where the kids bedrooms are and like the landing upstairs into our bedroom you have to walk through the bathroom so it's just like a thoroughfare at any point in the day and we don't have locks on the bathroom doors because the kids

are still little and I'm not having anyone locking themselves in the bathroom so they just wander in so I now just have to announce I mean taking all the love and mystery out of the relationship but if I need a poo and I don't want everybody watching me because that is like the preference to Netflix is to watch mommy squeeze one out. So I have to shout mommy's going to like, how is this my life? How is this my life? And then I hear Steve on the other side of the door go.

So at least he doesn't walk in, but he does also then know. what i'm doing what's occurring in the bathroom when i need you see we've we've we've always had rules of like i think that's the one thing about my relationship is that we've never we've never entertained each other whilst pooing on the toilet. You've never given him a wank when he's on the toilet. My husband and I don't entertain each other when we're on the toilet. a mime act charades jess starts with

How bored does he get when he's having a shit that you need to be in there reading him a story? I have to say, though, I don't know about Steve. If Jez goes into the toilet, he's in there. But I'm like, what are you? I don't have time for this. I wait. I need to go. I go.

and then I come out and then I'm he's in there and I swear I swear he needs to get away or he's having a wank either way it's just it's like a little bit of me time but you know what this is an inherent thing that is happening and I can see it before my eyes it's a generational thing but gets passed on from man to man because Jack will go to the toilet now little 12 year old Jack and he

have to allow a full hour for him to have a poo this is full hour he takes books he takes lego he's one point taking a chess board in with him and had a game of chess with himself while he's been having a poo just like I can hear him getting really angry because he's not beating himself at chest and but he's just laughing I'm just like have your poo and leave I don't understand but I think I think it's just a male female it's a conversation that's been been happening for decades

isn't it? Why men take so long to have a poo? Is this my problem? We've got to time sheet it. It's got to go in. Time sheet it. Time sheet it. But is this why, is this my problem? Is it because I'm just too rushed? Too efficient? I'm just too rushed.

I think because it takes you so long to have a poo, avid listeners will know, that I think that, to be honest, you should really enjoy it when it happens. You should just really go in and just like have the full experience because it takes you like six days to have a poo. So light a candle. like really lean into the experience like a spa day for your ass

Just be like, oh, it's happening. Oh, it's a cleanse. I'm having a cleanse. I'm about to lose three stone in one fellow swoop. Watch out. Tsunami warning's coming. Lucy's just dropped her turd.

The ripples will be felt as far as, like, Asia. Honestly. Chia seeds, though. Chia seeds. Chia seeds. And apparently a Kiwi skin. Oh. I don't think I would mention a Kiwi skin. So when I was on my girls holiday, so when we all went away and did our 40th mum's trip, and this was the common thread of conversation around the pool.

that nobody, I don't know what happens on that first day of being in a different country, whether, you know, it's like just the changing environment, it's the plane, something happens to your digestive tract and nobody can have a poo. But this is like what the whole conversation is around the pool.

so this was our first 24 hours in Magaluf instead of being shit-faced we just couldn't get our shits out so we were just like what do we do my friend Christina so my friend Christina is a Pilates instructor she's really like up to speed on her wellness and her health the skin's always amazing and she was like you need to eat a kiwi skin so there we all were at breakfast just like just eating the moth of a kiwi

Was it April Fool's Day? No, you can eat it, but apparently that's where all the fibre lays in the kiwi is within its hairy... muff on the outside so you have to really to really go go to town on it but you can't eat it yeah they were all munching munching their kiwi skins oh i've got an itchy i've got an itchy tongue just thinking about it would that not be would that not be your thing

that not be bad no it's quite abrasive on the tongue to be honest he we muff no thank you um talking about changes in bodies and the voice just saying that i've got this i keep getting this little weird weird electric like pain in my boob and you were about to tell me something yeah so

I'd added this bit into my set because this is something that happens to me, not the boob, but it was a similar ilk, something that happens to me quite a lot. And I was like, oh, I just assumed it happened to lots of other people. So I've added it into my set.

and it's nothing and there's nothing more humbling than standing on a stage in front of a thousand people telling them something that's quite intimate thinking everybody gets it and then nobody nobody says anything or nobody laughs and I go oh does that not happen to everybody else and everyone goes no go on what is it um the shooting pains in your vag. I've told you about this. You've sold me this before.

And I was like, I've never had that. And you're like, what do you mean you've never had it? Yeah, I've never had it. You've never had the shooty paint, right? Listeners, can we write in? I don't know. Leave a comment. Leave a comment on Spotify or Apple, whichever the one it is that you can.

just let us know if you've had a shooty vag pain it's normally about a day or so before my period comes on to be fair so I think that there's like stuff happening it's all moving about but I'm like doing this whole thing in the set and I've got like a little do you want to see the leg movement I do

But there's a very specific move. And this is what I'm concerned about because this has happened to me on the school run and I'm just walking along and I'm like... don't look all the wash in my bed every sort of stuff i'm like come on kids we're gonna be late

everybody else gets it that people would be like oh she's just got shooty vag going on um but now my concern is that people think that i've got those vibrating love eggs in and i'm just like getting my rocks off on the school phone having a shit controlling it on his ass She's having a packed lunch today, Mrs. Davis. tried those eggs before no i genuinely haven't i don't like i don't like the idea of it is it plural is it two how many eggs i don't know maybe it's one for every whole i don't know

Excellent muttly wheeze there, by the way. One in the poo, one in the goo. Yeah. Oh, I feel like it would be a very confusing sensation. do you know what i mean i think it would be but also it's like they'd make noise would they not you couldn't just be sat there in the doctor's surgery just casually waiting for an appointment and everyone's like, who's left their electric toothbrush on? Like that would be the, surely that would be the noise, would it not? Just a really like low key, like.

and then looking at someone like in the corner I don't know are you right the genuine question if you go out in a public place with love eggs in and you're getting your rocks off are you technically a sex offender that would be my question why because you're like you're out in public like orgasming quietly to yourself

Are you a sex offender? I think you are. You're not exposing yourself, are you? Yeah, but if you're sat in, like, if you've just gone for a walk and you're walking past, like, a kid's playground and, like, you've got your love eggs in. Oh, don't be mad.

Well, do you know what I mean? Like you can't just be out and about coming in public. Do you know what I mean? Like I just feel like it's not a, I don't think that that should be a thing. I think if you want to orgasm, that's great. Have it at home. But I don't think you should be sat. like in a in costa just never know you'd never well you don't know do you because it's not it's very discreet i think that's the difference

Isn't it? Can you have a discreet orgasm though? What would you just, would you just be like, just having a proper eye twitch? I'm having a really enjoyable eye twitch. Yes, I would like sprinkles on my cappuccino. but yeah okay i see what i kind of see what you mean but i feel like it's weird if you just if you like the checkout woman in the marks and spencer's food hall and like someone's just like

Like it's, I feel violated. I feel violated knowing that somebody just came while I was giving them the change. Like I was a prostitute. Like I facilitated it and someone here should change. You come again. Literally, thank you. Come again. I will. One of my friends has not just any Marks and Spencer's poodle.

One of my good friends has had the eggs and they've gone on like a night away, like a sexy night away somewhere. And she's warned them to dinner. And he's had the control while she's at dinner. Oh, I don't like, I don't. like the idea of it I don't like it's AI it's going too far guys if AI is up your fanny it's it's going to I don't want robots giving me orgasms like I just don't

I don't like it. I just think it's weird. You want your orgasms where you can see them. Where I can see them. I don't want them coming at me like a surprise. Just no. No, thank you.

Not today. Very good. Anyway, so I don't have the vibrating love eggs in for the school. If you ever see me on the school run and I'm doing like the Ministry of Funny Walks, then I've not got my love eggs in. I've just got a shooty pain in my vag. At Great Wolf Lodge, there's adventure for the whole family. You and your pet can splash away in the indoor water park where it's always 84 degrees.

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Oh my God. Right. I need to tell you. And the lady has given me permission to tell this story. So we need to send her an iconic mascara. But when I was in Exeter on tour this week, the funniest thing, I always have a great time when I'm in Exeter. There's just, it's vibes, always sells out first. It's like.

And you're going to need to move to Exeter. I think I sell more tickets in Exeter than I do in Liverpool, where I'm from. Like, I'm just going to move to Exeter and have it as my new adopted home. Tickets are also available at livenation.co.uk. Not for Exeter, though. Not for Exeter. We sold that fuck around straight away.

We could probably do another date in Exeter, to be honest, because they sold that fast. But so I go and I do my meet and greets before I do my show. So I like to meet my audience members. We have a little chat. Then they all sit at the front.

lovely anyway um the first woman that comes in to see me so there's three three three women one of these women comes in straight away and I'm not going to say her name on the pod but she did say you can say it and do I get mascara and I was like yeah oh my god

she comes in and she's like oh so so if I nearly didn't make it today and I was like oh babe like what's what's happened she's like I've had surgery I've come straight from the hospital and I'm like oh my god like thank you so much like but are you okay like what what have you had done and she's like anal surgery and I was like oh straight off the bat straight off the bat I was like did you put your love egg in in the wrong hole um and so I was like oh and at this point I felt like I didn't

one to pry but then my comedian went pry pry pry it open pry that asshole wide open and so I was like oh are you okay? What was it? What was it for? And she went, tried anal sex with my husband and it went wrong. And I was like, oh my God. She needed surgery. She was torn and then developed scar tissue and needed the scar tissue cutting out and re... I was like, oh my God. And she said, what a trooper. She went, so she...

assumed she was just sedated and not knocked out because she said because they would they would have kept her in i think if they'd knocked her out but um she wasn't allowed any of the good painkillers so basically if she'd taken the good painkillers after the surgery they would have kept her in and she would have missed show so god love her she was like i'll take an ibuprofen i'll be fine so she'd come out to see me she had a cushion she had a big like ring that she had with her and she came

So she was my first lady. And then the last, so then a few people in between. And then the last couple that came in to see me were a couple on their first date, but it was a blind first date. They had never clapped eyes on each other before. Sorry. I know. And lovely Magda had got the ticket. Her friend then couldn't make it. And so she'd been chatting to this guy and she was like, hey, do you want to...

do you want to come but they'd never it wasn't like i don't i need to actually maybe get more information on this because it wasn't like a tinder situation they had not seen a picture of one another they just agreed to meet in a certain place like the oldie days did you have a carnation days i don't know she had a car because she had driving from Plymouth it was an hour they had to sit in the car for an hour having never clapped eyes on each other just like oh hey nice to meet you

Just let me know when you need to stop for a wee or a fart. You shouldn't be doing that in this day and age, though. Women should not be picking up brands of men they've never seen before and driving an hour. They should meet them on the internet first to really establish safety protocols.

so anyway so she's drove lovely Magda and Alex so they come up to meet me so I was just like oh my god like immediately Exeter there was so much to unpack within the first like 10-15 minutes of the show so like normally I'll come out and I have like a little chat but then I'll go into the set But I walked straight out and I was like, Exeter!

I was like, before we go any further, there's so many things that we need to address. And so then I found my lovely lady sitting on her bum ring on the front. And I was like, oh, I was like, give her a round of applause. She's come out. I was like, can I tell everybody why? And she was like, yeah. I bet she was like, yeah. Yeah.

yeah well she'd said she'd said I could use it so I was like she was like oh I've got some new material for you and I was like yes you bloody hell and um and then I was like I don't want to tell everybody what it's for and she was like no it's fine and I was like okay and I went do you want to tell everybody and I gave her the microphone She just went into the microphone. She went, too much bum fun.

that point I think I'd peaked in Exeter so like the roof's gone off in Exeter everyone's crying laughing she's there standing up like waving her pillow around in the air so everyone can see her bump cushion it was like It was amazing.

it's probably one of the best things I think to well definitely this this tour that's happened this time around like I always have key moments that just I will never forget in any of my shows and her waving her bum cushion in the air after having her bum torn in half from anal sex it's just

it's right up there this is you're going to be talking about you can talk about this in interviews and it's going to be a headline isn't it yeah oh yeah that's so good and the good news is Magda and Alex uh they've messaged me both independently to say what a lovely first date experience that it was, how much fun they had. And they're going on date number two. So I've told them.

if it works out, if it works for them, I'll like officiate their wedding. Celebrate. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I can legally do it. I think I'll just like, they'd have to get married first and then I'll say a nice few words afterwards. Yeah. But only maybe if they come up to me, like they live in Plymouth, that's quite far away. But I'll maybe incorporate it with the show. I'll do dinner and a show.

Aren't your audience the best? They are so fun, honestly. So far, this tour has been, to be honest, much better than what I expected it to be. Well, not that I ever doubt myself, not that I ever doubt myself, but it's always scary going out on a new tour. I think because people loved the last show so much. And then it was that, you know, it's that highly anticipated second album, the difficulty of matching the expectation of what happened on the first tour and I think the second tour.

I actually prefer the material of the second tour to the first tour. And I'm having so much fun delivering it, but you just never quite know if it's going to land the same. But everybody has been brilliant, like glow sticks, up dancing, like fun. All of the fun, fun, fun. What are you going to do for the next talk? I don't know. My God. I mean, to be fair, I've started thinking about it now and I was like, I really need to start pulling my material together for what I do after, after this.

I don't know unless I could just like tear the ass out of this one I'll just I'll just tour it for like two or three years maybe take it to Vegas tear the ass out of this one just like Annie in Exeter just waving my cushion around everywhere I go

and I saw this video and I was like ah I did this at my friend Avril's hen do so it was um it was a hen do or sort of a gathering situation and somebody was reading out

Facebook status from the olden days. I've seen this. Yeah. So we did this at my friend Ad Ross Hendrick and it's honestly so funny. So do you know what I thought I would do? Have you been and found mine? Oh no. Oh no. there's an idea so i have to say you started off i mean for the 2007 um hang on hang on was it when facebook made you speak in the third person

So Sophie is. Is it like that? Yeah. Oh, God. OK. Yes. So, well, 2007, it's basically just you and your friend Amy writing on each other's walls. So you didn't really do any status updates. and then we hit 2009 and you are you are a prolific status updater I feel like I'm gonna die of social anxiety I need to go and delete my Facebook page September the 29th, 2009. Sophie McCartney. Sophie McCartney is feeling poorly.

That'll teach me for sharing a bed with a primary school teacher. What? I don't know. Oh, my friend Lorna, maybe? I think she's the only primary school teacher that I've shared a bed with. Oh, God, this is a sad one. Oh, no. Sophie, look, August the 31st, 2009. Stop laughing. Is my Nana dead? It's having the most boring bank holiday Monday imaginable, cleaning or weeding decisions, decisions. Funnily enough, nobody liked that. Nobody engaged in that.

I was really hot with the engagement back there. Just really working out my content style between cleaning. And also fucking lies. I've never weeded in my life. Never pulled a weed out. Here's a good one. October 14, 2009. Sophie is wondering whether David Beckham knows he has a badger stuck to his face. Sophie has exposed her annoyance with Steve on a Facebook post. Oh, shock. You ready for the rant? Go on. November the 28th, 2009. Sophie, apostrophe S.

So you've turned it into Sophie's. See what you've done there? Yeah. Sophie's lame Saturday night has just been made worse by discovering that her currently pissed up husband... What do you think he did?

Was this the time you threw up a chicken in the shower? This episode is brought to you by Rakuten. If you're shopping while working, eating, or even listening to this podcast, then you know and love the thrill of a deal. But are you getting the deal and cash back? Rakuten shoppers do.

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jumping out of him like A full roast chicken in the shower, no. Steve is never sick. But I saw my friend Rachel when I was in Ipswich the other day and we were reminiscing about this because this all feels like around about the right time that I was in Norwich, like pre-child, like we only just...

we would have just got married, like still just like living our going out dreams. And he's never sick, but we'd had a big house party and he'd eaten like, you know, like these big deli chickens, like a whole chicken and then vomited, but vomited in our shower. And there were like wings. like bones like he just python down a chicken and then went and then like threw it back off again just walks out So it wasn't then because I was quite gross about that as well. No.

I get quite cross with Steve when he's drunk. Everybody loves Drunk Steve, apart from me. Drunk Steve is my worst variation of Steve. He just really gets on my tits. Like me as well. Like, oh, yeah, you, yeah, you, Drunk Lucy and Drunk Steve get on my tits. it because I can never match the level of drunkness and then I have to look after and like stop you from being dicks and I just I can't I can't deal with it so what did he do go on

Sophie, oh, I can feel the fury. Sophie's lame Saturday night has just been made worse by discovering that her currently pissed up husband ate the last of the malt loaf. Steve's having his Zorine! Meow! Oh God, but he didn't speak to him four days afterwards. Oh, I get very cross when he steals my food, though, to be fair. I mean, what a public Facebook. Like, oh God, just like, don't, don't, don't be a... millennial and facebook jesus christ and no i so

We all get quite passive aggressive towards Steve in this house when he steals the last of our sauce. So when Jack was maybe about two, we'd had this food hamper delivered at Christmas and it had these like little cheesy stars in, like these little savoury snacks. Oh yes, I know the ones. And Jack loved them. He loved these little cheesy stars. Steve came home drunk after a night out somewhere, just demolished the cheesy stars. And Jack...

only spoke about the Christmas, the cheesy stars for about a year afterwards. Anybody he met? anything like for his birthday he asked for cheesy stars because daddy ate them like this little two-year-old going around telling everybody my mom my mom occasionally actually makes him now still a batch of cheesy stars because he still feels so robbed that drunk daddy

And I bet you were there going, go on, tell them what happened. Who ate them? You can just go and check on Facebook. I'm sure there's an update on it somewhere.

Raise the rudders! Raise the sails! Raise the sails! Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching. Over. Roger. Wait. Is that an Enterprise sails solution? Reach sales professionals, not professional sailors. With LinkedIn ads, you can target the right people by industry, job title, and more. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started today at linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply.

At Great Wolf Lodge, there's adventure for the whole family. You and your pet can splash away in the indoor water park where it's always 84 degrees. There's a wave pool, a lazy river, and a bunch of massive water slides, including ones your family. we can all enjoy together.

They even have adventure-packed attractions, from the Northern Lights Arcade to delicious dining. And you can't miss the nightly family dance parties. With 23 lodges across the country, you're always only a short drive away from adventure. So bring your pack together at a lodge near you. Learn more at greatwolf.com, greatwolf.com, and strengthen the pack.

Urban Dictionary Corner. Urban Dictionary Corner. What have we got this week loose? Sophie, what do you think grey gardening is? Oh, that's easy. Surely. Bit of grey gardening is like it's going down stairs doing something with old person bush, isn't it? Surely to God, that doesn't even need too much thought to it. Surely it is going down there and just keeping on top of things in the great garden.

Just going to get in, do some plowing in the grey garden. I'm going to plow. We're going to plant some seeds in the grey garden, but it's fairly barren and nothing's going to grow. But we're going to plant them anyway because God loves a trier. We're going to water the grey garden. Just going to squirt the watering can into the grey garden. We're going to eat the fruit.

It's the grey garden. We're quite dry. Dehydrated. But we're going to have a go anyway. No. Oh my god. It's so much better than what it actually is. Oh. what we're gonna get the hoe out on the gray garden that was so that was brilliant well done you it's thanks but that's not right I've got nothing, to be honest. A bit grey gardening. It's 2020. This is a very new, it's been penned very recently. It's 2025, this one. Good to know this, by the way, so you know what grey gardening is.

if I'm ever faced with a grey garden yeah is it is it okay all right my other go-to here do you know what actually do you know what you have talked a little bit about a potential grey garden Today. Oh. I think you might have been doing a bit of grey gardening, actually. Oh. Mmm.

I don't know what that would I don't remember what I've spoken about that because my other go-to here would be that if you um had you had your knickers off and somebody else had their knickers off or their pants off and you didn't like the look of what was coming towards you. And then maybe, you know, the way that like your colour drains from your face.

like your fanny just goes great it sees something coming at it and that it's not and then and the flaps just hang down like like everything just goes The colour just drains away. Oh my God, did you see it? Oh my God, did you see the shape of it? I went grey. I went grey. My garden went fucking grey. It was disgusting. What the fuck is that? There's also, by the way, can you see that pigeon just bobbing around outside? It's the shade of a pigeon.

I'll put you out of your misery, shall I? I mean, I don't know. I could just keep you going on this because you're doing very well. So Grey Gardening is... When you spend at least 24 hours in the same clothing, often unshowered and not leaving your home. So you've kind of done a little bit of a grey garden. But why is it a grey garden? Well, activities include, when you do it with your friends, so activities include doomscrolling, watching trash in movies and drinking tea.

done in pairs we spent the weekend great gardening at amber's house so yeah you you but you're getting up and out going doing the school run you've done a bit of it you've done a bit of a great garden yeah which is much better than my fanny being frozen with fear

And just the colour draining from it. The life leaving it. That's nice to know. That's good. Okay. I want to sit down with the kids. Lovely. Do you want to do another one? Go on then. One more. You can choose. You can choose. You can either have...

You can either have Sporno or you can have plugging. Okay, let's go Sporno. Yeah. Okay, is Sporno... i don't know is it something to do with people who like to just like grow weird shit in their fridges they get i don't know do you know what i mean like i don't know do you ever like leave i know this has happened i've got

something in a bowl with a bit of tinfoil over that I know has been in my fridge for about two weeks, but I'm now too scared to take the lid off it, take the tinfoil off. So I just like leaving it. just for Steve to do but he's away for like another 10 days so he's not going to do it anytime soon but like maybe there are some people who quite enjoy that and then they lift it off and they're like oh got a sport like yeah we'll see what the growth is

Is it gross bread shit? That... whenever there's something that's in you know when it's in a tupperware box or it's in a box and you know and you're like I can't I can't I can't I can't do it no it's awful I can't I'd rather just throw the ball away just throw everything away I can't take the lids off it. You see, what I'll do is I'll, like, say if Jez is, because he has to deal with that, but if he's away, I will go. It's a blue job. It's a blue job. I'll go and I'll throw it.

say in the weedy bin but then I go inside and I'm like it's in the weedy bin it's almost like I can still see it it's just there like hello like little Dirty little sporno. Just like living rent free in your mouth. In your mouth. In your mouth. In your mouth. In your mind. So, is that your final answer? I mean, unless it's people who like porn.

I'm watching pregnant women in porn because they've got a spawn, like they've spawned, they're spawning, so it's a spawn-o. Shagging pregnant women, is that that spawn-o? Because that's, I know that that's a category. I don't know whether it's called a Sporno. Sporno. That's closer. You're closer there. Oh, okay. Oh!

Or is it people who take loads of videos and pictures of their kids when they're born and they just show people all the time? They're like, oh my God, this is my kid. It's so great. It's so great. And it's just like spawn-oing people.

Look at my kid with some yoghurt round his face. Sporno. Sporno is, you're going to kick yourself, babes. Oh, no. Sporno is where sport and porn meet and produce a huge money shot. Coined by British writer Mark Simpson, who also coined the term metrosexual in 2006, it's used to describe the phenomenon

of professional male athletes such as David Beckham, Freddie Lundberg and various naked rugby players posing naked or almost naked and oiled up in homoerotic poses on the sides of buses to sell briefs and nudie mail calendars. So it's essentially that. sort of taking a really sexy sportsman oh david beckham with a badger on his face yeah exactly

Well, I think they've missed a trick there because I think people would also pay the megabooks just to see the mould in people's Tupperwares. And also I feel like it needs to be said in an Australian accent. It's Borno. Sporno, yeah. Sporno. Sporno. Sporno. Speaking of Australia, are you watching Married at First Light Australia? Oh my God, it's so good this year. Do you know what I need you to do?

And do you know what I need you to do? I need you to make sure before you update your stories on where you're at maths, can you just put up a little... maths spoiler because i am behind i'm behind you how far behind are you oh i mean i'm not i'm not um i've just had the first commitment ceremony and we're now all right

Well, because Jez's been away, I've kind of fast-tracked. So I've just had the first dinner party, and now it's the week where the task of getting to know each other thing. Oh, have they done the photo ranking yet? Mid-photo ranking, that's where I'm at. The photo ranking, right? It's like, surely to God you've seen the show before, lads. And they're like, do you know what?

I'm just going to be just like really true to myself and just be, just be honest. You know, that's like all, all that I can do is just be really honest. So I'm going to put you sixth on the, on the photo. And she's got to respect me for being honest, right? Because I'm honest. I'm fucking, do you know what? I'm just like, I'm just being true to myself and just like how on I feel while she's standing there going, yeah, I'm going to murder you.

You're not going to see it coming, but I'm probably going to wait, I don't know, until you're having an hour-long shit, and then I'm going to come for you, and I'm going to take that photo of that other bride you placed above me, and I'm just going to ram it down your lap. fucking whiny pie hole and choke you out on it but yes thanks so much for placing me six no bad like what why do they just never learn just put that even if you don't think that they are the most attractive

But I don't want to be one of these people who just says, yeah, I'm just going to put you first because you're my wife. I'm just going to be really fucking honest and be really true to myself. Right. I hate to be this person for you, Sophie. But I'm going to say there's potentially a little producer outside going, right, we've thought about this. And what we think you should do is actually. No, no, no. Because then your ratings will go up. Yeah. And you'll get more money. There's nobody.

puppet masters behind the scenes telling them what to think or what to do no yeah no but I'm glad maths is back it's always evenings are so much better And I've got some firm favorites already. But you know what? I always start a series of maths just full of love and like full of such hope. And I'm like, oh, my God, they're going to make it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then a week later, I'm like, oh, no, that's why you're single. Oh, Jesus. Just like walking red flags.

going, oh, why does this always happen to me? because you tapped that's why but I love it I'm there for it I'm very appreciative of all the crazy singles of Australia that put themselves out there for our entertainment and it is superior to the British version it is so much better and I think it's because they let them

get shit-faced I think like we have certain rules don't really like protecting people in in the UK and they're like oh they're only allowed one drink because otherwise you're just gonna rip your top off and shag someone on a sofa Australia they're just like have another tequila yeah find that there's a there's certain traits that i feel like i do whenever my first sight is on so the first one is i spend the entire series going oh my god that person reminds me so much of so and so do you do that

yeah yeah oh I've already got I can't say I don't think who I think a couple of the people actually remind me of but yeah I do that um and also the other thing I had to say on my first time is I met whenever I see some meet someone now who is Australian

I've met somebody recently who was, and I was like, oh my God, do you watch Married at First Sight Australia? And the look of disgust. Oh yeah, they're not as on board of it as we are. It's like our grown up neighbours, isn't it? But then they haven't watched it. I'm like, they're like, oh my God, it just does.

does us no favours as Australians. And I'm like, but have you watched it? Because it's fucking amazing. The tourist board for Australia should be singing the praise of maths. Because I just, one of my whole reasons for touring in Australia last year was to go. and maybe see some aspect of fucking fortune in Australia.

I was working, doing shows, but predominantly wanted to go, took the whole family out because I wanted to see some people from maths. I wanted to live the experience. I went and it pissed it down. I found the pictures of me the other day because I showed my friend. I walked out in Sydney because it was like winter and it was absolutely...

pissing down it was freezing like a drowned rat to find the sky suites to have my picture taken in front of it if they did math sightseeing tours i would sign up for that please dear god like math like could we like the producers anybody from maths I will be your like champion I will come out and I will I will

Sell the shit out of those Married at First Sight Australia tours. Hashtag ad. I will do it all for you. So, so good. Do you know what I find myself doing? So my God, just digress. If you're not watching Married at First Sight, just turn us off and stop watching Married at First Sight Australia.

I start psychoanalyzing my relationship with Steve. So when we have arguments, I'm like, do you know what that is, Steve? That's like a classic deflection. Like I take on the role of the experts whenever we have an argument. I'm like, I think that that's gaslighting behavior to be honest. this because Steve's like I know that you're the gas slasher I'm like I know but I'm just recognizing it within myself okay parenting tales slash parenting fails parenting tales slash parenting fails

Hi Sophie and Lucy. I have a parenting tale for you that I will never be able to forget. I have two children who are now three and six. When my youngest was two weeks old. I was struggling a bit with hormones and everything that follows birth of a newborn. Placentas. One day, everything got on top of me. So I popped into the kitchen for a little cry to myself. Aww. My then three-year-old came in and she saw I was a bit teary. She said, Mummy, why are you crying?

I was so proud of her for coming to check I was okay. I leaned down to give her a cuddle, and before I could reply, she said, Is it because you are fat now? Kids are so fucking harsh, aren't they? Did she not lean down and whisper in her ear, no, it's because of you. Awwww Hope it gives your listeners a laugh. And that's from Jenny. Oh, Jenny. I'm here for the petty, bitter revenge of waiting for your daughter to have just given birth and that she's crying for you to walk in.

and go, oh, sweetheart, is it because you're fat? Women supporting women. 30 years in the making. Oh, I felt so good. How do you like it, bitch? But yeah, that's a good one. Oh, well done, Jenny. well done lovely well what a fun episode we've all learned a lot have we not every day really is a school day i think on the tired and tested podcast isn't it you know oh not one that could actually ever you know

have children listen to no no no no no absolutely not especially if you've got your love eggs in I think that's also a key learning from today so if you've enjoyed the episode you want to give us a little review I believe you can do so on one of the which one loose which one can you write

liked it or not just rate us we don't care about the written yeah we don't care about your words we don't unless you get shooting pains in your vagina that i'm quite keen to know but just give us a star thanks so much a good one not a shit one um and you've got parenting tale slash fail you want to send in you can send it in to tired and tested at acas.com

And also, we haven't done one this week, but if you've got a tale from when you were young. Well, we kind of did. We kind of did. We kind of did. We did a little Facebook, didn't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you've got a little...

tell you what I sent in, do so. And I think that's what life meant. Oh, if you want to come see me on tour, of course I am rustling around the UK, just bringing joy to women who've recently had their assholes repaired. And take it to available at livenation.co.uk. Right. Hit the jingle!

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