Hangover Chunders and Birthday Cake Blunders

Eindelijk weer lente, de koekoek is terug in het land, de egels komen diepen, de vossen worden wakker en gezinnen hullen zich in nieuwe hippe kleding. Want nu bij Bol tot 20% select-korting op sweaters en truien voor het hele gezin van... It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the Safe Play Zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan.

Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hand gophers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and nits to snack, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening! To the podcast.

And welcome to another bloomin' episode of the Tired and Tester podcast with me, Sophie McCartney. And as ever, I have got my bestie, my sidekick, my ride or die. It's Lucy with the Friends. Hi. Hi, I'm still laughing to myself about our conversation that we had before we went live with this.

So Lewis was like pinning me down for some dates and I went, oh, well, I can't go, I can't do it on the 4th because I'm going out. And she was like, oh, right. She went, oh, I'm getting ready for Star Wars Day, are we? And I was like, so. So what? It's like that's May the 4th, not April the 4th. I was so proud of myself. I was like, oh. You thought you dropped the funny. You did. May April the 4th be with you.

I mean I was gonna say to you it hasn't been a long week but it hasn't really because we're you know We're recording this on a Tuesday and I am in the trenches of school half term. I've got all three of mine at home and you are one of these delightfully annoying people that I'm just very jealous of because you have both of your... children still at nursery and this is

all year round thing isn't it this is the joy of nursery as opposed to I have a child minder who works term times because that suits around the big kids for me there's no point you know Nate being in nursery and I've still got the others at home whereas you still have the joy joy six o'clock in the morning till six o'clock at night see you losers i know i know like i had a little bit of panic earlier i was like i said to jess i was like jess oh

Kids start school in September. We need to cram in as many holidays during term time as we possibly can before he starts school. You need to do that. We probably won't get around to going on one until August. I feel like I've got the panic of getting a cheap holiday. And it is cheaper to go now for you.

Well, not now because it's Easter, but before he starts school. It is so much cheaper. It is ridiculous, isn't it? I just think the holiday companies are shitheads. That's just my thoughts on the world, guys. Sorry. Not all of them. Most of them shitheads.

Oh, my God. Steve and I went on a date night, which they had a very rare date night the other night. And it was actually lovely. I was worried it was going to be, I can't remember which Bridget Jones film that it was, might have been the second one. Do you remember when she's preparing for a really swanky work party with Mark?

darcy and she's doing the hoovering and she's trying to swap up on things so she sounds intelligent when she talks and she's like isn't it terrible about the troubles in chechnya i thought that's what i was gonna have to be like before i went on date night to start writing down about the talking points that you know we can jump off on for conversation so it wasn't just me flicking through pictures of the kids on my phone going oh

remember that oh i remember that anyway we did we had a lovely time started the evening strong with about three espresso martinis before dinner Now, this is my new tipple. I have to say, I'm putting a mark to one side because the next day they disrupt my stomach a little bit. I think it's all the lime. You put the lime and the coconut and then you have an explosive poop the next day. So I have now started on espresso martini.

And this is a great drink for me because if I have too much caffeine in quite a short amount of time, I go off my nut. So I have the benefit of being caffeine tweaking in the corner. with also the joy of some vodka thrown in there as well and this is my jam people just a caffeine burst and also alcohol so I was in a great mood and so we go for dinner and I'm already like

You know, when you've got a little bit of a stumble when you walk, this is me walking into the Spanish restaurant. And there's this really lovely, really authentic tapas restaurant in the village. It was really nice, really swank. And I totter like, hola! and then we sit down and we order all of the food as well because you know me i'm constantly on a brad

you know, high protein diet. And to be fair, it did stick pretty much high protein. But I, at one point, just had a whole plate of jamon. That's not jam on, at least. all these of jamon in front of me that I think at one point I was just motor boating but right Steve he has got very dark hair he's got really kind of quite dark olive Mediterranean skin and whenever we are in a Mediterranean country the people of that country speak to Steve

in their language because they assume that he is Mediterranean. Do you get this with Jez as well? Because Jez is similar to Steve, right? Dark skin, dark hair, right? But Steve actually can speak. a bit of spanish and he does use spanish at work but you know he's very if you wanted to have a conversation with him in spanish about a kneecap he's your man all the things questionable you never know when you might need it

So the waiter comes along and he's there to take our order. And then he starts talking to Steve in Spanish. And so Steve starts replying in Spanish, right? But I can tell that Steve's got himself into trouble about two minutes in. He's run out.

of his um spanish ordering gcse conversation in his head he just wants to talk about hip flexor in spanish he doesn't know how so again i've had quite a bit to drink at this point watching Steve and he's nodding and he's smiling and then just from nowhere can I think about it I can tell he hasn't got a clue what the way he's saying it's behind his eyes there's nothing

He just says to the waiter, oh, mi gusto la gambas. Is that something about prawns? He likes prawns. I don't think the waiter is crying. The way it's hard, I don't think it's hard to think about prawns. And to this point, at this point, I just yell bullshit in his face. stop talking you're spongy and then the week is like oh no he's very good and i was like he doesn't he doesn't have a clue what's going on here what day of the week it is

And then I just, I then felt left out of the conversation. I didn't want to look ignorant. So I just chirped up with a, and my family, I, four people, my mother, my family, my family, and you, and you, and you, and you. See, I'm a sooty and splodge. They're my dead cats that died about 20 years ago. Sooty and splodge. Sooty and splodge.

Also, there are not four people in my family because I'm now married and I've got three kids, but I don't know how to update the lingo. Also, God help me if I ever have to go to France, right? Because all I know... I know how to say in French. And if I was in like a situation where I needed to call the police or I was, you know, you know, just there were dire straits and I just needed help, all I would be able to say is...

Don's want truce in here. Unbick. Ungom. Unreg. They'd be like, you're like, hang it off. What are you on about? I'm like, I don't know. My husband only speaks Spanish words about the body. also I find it really funny I'm with my friends and they try and speak a language like when Steve does it like you does he do the yeah

Yeah, like por favor instead of por favor. And I just find it really icky. Say it in your native language. Yeah, just say it in Geordie. Say it in Geordie, but the Spanish words. I just find it so egg when I'm with someone and they're speaking like full on. And I'm like, it's the affliction at the end as well that socials just go up at the end of a sentence. Mi gusto la gambas? Like he's questioning whether he likes bronze or not.

but he's also like questioning as to whether the actual spanish person can understand his spanish like yes i am spanish i am spanish so stop speaking to me like i don't know how to speak spanish always

Funny. Your text updates were cracking me up. Was it because nothing's spelled correctly? Well, we went very cultural because we'd gone for Spanish for our food and then we went to an Irish bar afterwards and we're doing shots of baby Guinness. So, you know, all the bases covered off for a great night out.

Right. You said you just sent me a picture of it was basically a fishbowl of sangria and you just wrote drunk in capitals. This is this is three minutes past nine. I'm assuming you didn't actually get out until about half past eight.

the time we got the kids yeah it was about us eight yeah yeah and then then you wrote date night ain't my ending so try a shag no idea what you meant if it had followed on from drunk it might have been date night isn't ending in a shag do we think that's what that was is that what it was yeah yeah yeah but it came to me date night ain't my ending so try a shag i was like oh my god she's gone um

Steve was like, let's go and have more drinks afterwards. And to be fair, because I was feeling it, I'd had the caffeine high as well. I was tweaking. But I did agree. But I only could get another couple of shots down me. And then I did have to go, I can't. Do you know if I've been out for a meal? I can't.

go out drinking afterwards for me I've got to drink before half my meal get uncomfortably bloated and then go home but you see this is why I'm not one for dinners I'm not one for going out for a nice dinner because I'm like if I if somebody wants me to go out and stay out I swerve dinner I'm like, no, Eaton's cheating.

Well, see, this is what I actually think is quite good about tapas because it was just piggy bits, wasn't it? Now, I can only do tapas with my husband, right? I cannot go for tapas in a group setting because it does my little titties in. right? Because what all ends up happening, right, is you know what you want.

I know what I want, okay? I want the big plate of the ham. I want the chorizo in the red wine. I want the olives. I want the prawns, the garlic prawns. Then I might have like some Padron peppers or something. That is me. That's all I want, right? Maybe some potatoes, brother.

Maybe. I'm not that keen on a potatoes brother. It's a bit carby. But anyway, this is what I want. And I know this in my mind. What happens when you go on a group setting is that you have to sit there and listen to everybody fanny on.

about what they should have as sharing dishes, right? So then you have to sacrifice some of yours. I'm like, I'm greedy, okay? So I want five or six dishes and I'm fine with that. But then you feel like you can only have your two to three dishes because that's what the waiter said in a group setting. And then they come.

And everybody eats the ones that you want and you don't like the ones that they ordered. Right. So that annoys me. So then you feel like you haven't eaten. And then this is the worst bit of going for tapas with other people is that everybody just leaves. one of everything on each plate because they feel too rude to take it.

and then and then it gets passed around everyone's going oh no oh no oh no and so then you have to watch as the waiters come and they just take away the plates that just have one padron pepper on one prawn one piece of chorizo one patatas bravas and it

Fox me off. So when I'm with Steve, I'm like, I'm having that last treat. So I'm having that last brawn. Back off. Survival of the fittest. You see, I've got to the point in life now where I just take the last one. I see you being polite and I'm going to raise you. the flavor and the taste sensation that is that last jamon croqueta. Jamon, jamon.

I do sometimes get the fear the next day if I've had too much drink and I'm like, oh God, am I a really selfish person? Because I took the last ham croquetas. There's a WhatsApp group set up that you ain't in where they're talking about the fact that you took the last jamon croquet. But I do feel that if I'm lying on my deathbed one day, I want to look back and go, I'm really glad that I had the last ham croquet and it didn't go to waste.

So on Saturday night, whilst you were out getting royally shit-faced on your three drinks, I was at the first of a long line of 40th 30th party. Oh, how was it? It was a surprise. Oh, but... She definitely knew it was happening. It was all sorts of wonderful. But do you know what? I'm really concerned that now I've got two children. I've lost my edge. It got to half 10. I was ready to go home.

As soon as somebody told me that the clocks were changing, I swear to God, my face slapped us. I was like, sorry, what? And then I all of a sudden felt 1.24. more tired than I did 30 seconds previous. I was all of a sudden, I was like, oh my God. And it ruined my night. I was like, I need to go to bed now. See, I was in bed and it hit one o'clock and suddenly it was two o'clock. I was like, no.

I saw it happen on the phone. I've never seen it. I was like, what has happened? Yeah. I was like, what has just happened? Why is it now two o'clock in the morning? Yeah. And then bloody Evelyn. I love her so much. She gets so excited about Easter. Like more. excited about easter than potentially christmas dare i say i don't know what it is i mean that just gets a lot of chocolate but i wouldn't prioritize that over all the gifts but anyway she does

And so she'd been so excited about Easter and I knew she was going to wake up early, but she came in at six o'clock in the morning, which Techers was five o'clock in the morning. Mummy had a little bit of a headache.

little bit fuzzy around the edges and um and she came in fully dressed by the way fully dressed hair done clipping and everything and just screamed it's easter like Noddy Bloody Olden or whatever his name was for the Christmas song when I switched the game in and screamed woke everybody else up in the house Nate's then awake and you know what baby's like

They go from fast asleep to wide awake in 0.01 seconds. And he was like, where's my breakfast? Where's my milk? Let's go, go, go, go, go, people. And I felt a bit mean because I wasn't possibly as enthusiastic about Easter as I probably... should have been for my daughter who was so so mega positive about easter i think at one point i might have told her in a very nice explaining grown-up kind of way that her actions were a little bit selfish mommy had too many espresso martinis you selfish

Bitch, I've had, I just want to have a hangover and I just want to lie in my filth for a bit longer. The Easter Bunny hadn't been. yet the Easter Bunny hadn't been and it was just it was because it was too early in the morning oh yeah it was just it was a whole ordeal so yeah there was that so I can appreciate how that would have ruined your evening yeah I wasn't happy about it it was lovely

But also I was like, oh my God, oh my God, this is it. This is the start of the turn of the decades for all of my close friends. And who's coming up next?

oh oh makes me so sad inside and it shouldn't like steve's mom was having a conversation with me the other day she's like but it's just a number sweetheart i said it's not just a number amanda okay it's wrinkles and then death is all that is it's a really really fucking big number I think where I am with 40 is that soon and it's not necessarily 40 and I hope I don't pop my clogs at 80 I'm going for a solid 90 it's probably where I want to be but

You know, you get to the point where you have more time behind you than you have in front of you. And I think that's what really freaks me out. I can't think about it too much because it makes me a little bit... panicky and I remember my mum's 40th birthday and I remember her getting cards that were saying things like over the hill and you know you're nearly dead basically on the card and I don't know whether that is just

stuck in my head psychologically i have i mean i had a meltdown at 30 about its proximity to 40 so i'm not going to take 40 well i know we talked about this before but i have been emotionally blackmailed by members of my family into having a 40th birthday.

party don't pretend that you don't want a load of attention for one well i am gonna make it ibiza themed and i've already picked my out there but i would much prefer if all the effort and thought had been put into maybe a 38th birthday instead just saying yeah so i don't know i've got mixed feelings because it would be you know it's it'd be nice to see all my friends and you know have a have a shindig um but yeah

yeah do you know what i'm finding which is kind of getting me through this so one of my best friends loz it's hers next week and we'll go to edinburgh for two nights it's basically a hen do it's just all the girls we're doing

karaoke on the friday night we're doing bongos bingo on the saturday night it's a it's a hen do it's a hen party of this decade yeah well i am going away with the other girls in my life no offense to you i know you have other friends we are allowed to see other people socially and that's fine yeah um so

end of June I'm going away with my school mom friends so we're gonna go to Spain so I can practice my lingo and then I feel like we should just go live it up at ibiza for a long i think we should go to ibiza i think when we went to ibiza

We didn't do it properly, did we? And you are 40 in October, aren't you? So you are technically a school year younger than I am, but there's not many months between us. So yeah, when we were in Ibiza, we really had a lot of fun running Ibiza, considering that we were in Ibiza post-COVID and we weren't allowed to get... into any trouble we got into a lot of trouble in ibiza

But no, I do think we should. And I think we should take everybody with us. I think we should just say, do you know what? We're going to be in Arbita at this time. And I think everyone should just come and join us. And we'll just all do a mum takeover. A mum takeover. of ibiza let's make it happen who knows wayne lineker okay just give us uh give us this beach club and we'll take over cafe mambo and turn it into cafe mambo

Yeah, with some decaf espresso martinis because we don't want to be up for all hours. Make it decaf. Thanks so much, Juan. Eindelijk weer lente, de koekoek is terug in het land, de egeltjes komen piepen, de vossen worden wakker en gezinnen hullen zich in nieuwe hippe kleding. Want nu bij Bol tot 20% selectkorting op sweaters en truien voor het hele gezin van... Super dry and only, for example. Come top for the day. Shop the best mode deals at BOL.

Eindelijk weer lente. De koekoek is terug in het land. De egeltjes komen piepen. De vossen worden wakker. En gezinnen hullen zich in nieuwe hippe kleding. Want nu bij Bol tot 20% selectkorting op sweaters en truien voor het hele gezin van... Super dry and only, for example. Come top for the day. Shop the nicest motor deals at BOL.

It is wizened, it is scary. Some people call it a fairy. What's in your box? Just over the new theme tune for our section. What do you think? I don't even know where that came from, but it was almost as terrifying as I imagine your boxes. So yeah, this week, what's been going on behind the scenes? What's been going on down those DMs in that dusty inbox? What's been happening?

In my dusty DMs. Okay. I had some unpleasant dusty DMs again this week. So it seems to be a recurring trend at the minute. speaking most people who slide in um are quite nice apart from the man who just likes to ask me constantly if I'm wearing big pants or a thong Steve, just go and ask me to my face. What is it you say? Do you think he's a murderer? I was like, have you blogged it? But do you think he might have murdering tendencies? And I'm like...

No, I think if he was going to murder you, he would have murdered you at the show that he said he bought tickets to last year. This is why I was in a conundrum about blocking him because he was a little bit on the weird side. But hey, he bought tickets to the show. So, you know, bums on seats. Although he was imagining everybody whose bum was on the seat was wearing a thong. But, you know.

needs must so uh yes anyway i had another person message me about the botox situation so bear in mind i had botox in A little bit. Like baby Botox. Like the smallest amount of Botox that you could have in my forehead and above crow's feet. And then I had the salmon spunk under my eyes. But apart from that, everything from the eye sockets down has remained untouched.

somebody message me and these are the ones by the way that just make me go oh for fuck's sake the most because they're the ones people start them by saying hi hun hi hun Don't take this the wrong way, which immediately means that they're going to follow it up with some absolute...

dick move doesn't it hi hon don't take this the wrong way but i think maybe you should have had some botox around your mouth as well again with the fucking mouth so wait a minute do you think this chick had seen all of the truth the drama that you dealt with last week? I don't know.

I don't know. But there she is. Hey, hun, no offense, but I think that maybe you should have had some Botox around your mouth as well. And in my opinion, I just thought you were so much more attractive when you had more weight on you. I just think that your face is too drawn and it's just not attractive. Love you and your show.

is bye and then a kiss honestly these people i think that these people don't realize that you actually monitor your own dms i think they may be that you've got a team or you've got like someone someone's doing it for maybe it's me but it's not guys in what world Would you ever go up to somebody in real life that you didn't know and just go, hey, hon. Ever thought that was a bitch?

Botox and your big wrinkly, jowly, grinch face. Have you ever thought about this? I mean, you look, I mean, oh, now that you're thinner, I really don't think you're attractive at all. Love you. Bye. I just I find it bizarre and I did actually reply to her and I didn't bother checking to see whether she replied back to it or not um but I just wanted to say my piece and I was like hi listen I appreciate that you think what you have said has a nice thing that has come from a good

place and you think that you're helping because I've said I've had Botox and apparently that is open season on other people telling me all the other things that they don't like about the way that I look that I could improve however it is your opinion on what I look like I did not ask for it it is not warranted do not give it to me because there is no way of you giving that to me

this is actually going to sound like a nice thing to say. So potentially next time you have these thoughts on somebody's appearance, that maybe you think about it in your head as if somebody was going to say it to you and then you don't send. that message. Kiss, kiss. Honestly. So yeah, so I had that.

And again, this one really annoyed me as well. So I did a reel. So before date night, I was trying to pick what I was going to wear for date night and Devlin was helping me. And so we did a little video of my options that had. So I had option one, two, three or four. And the first option was this green dress that I have. I love by the way I've worn this on holiday I've been on it in my stories before um so I started that was number one and Evelyn throughout

The video is like, mommy, no, I think number one is the best one. The green one is the best one. And then actually ends up going with a jumpsuit, which is a little less in your face. And the amount of people who slid in. And so not only did they slide into my DMs, but they also commented on the video.

about this going, oh my God, the green one's disgusting. You look awful in it. Looks like a nightie. Looks like some sexy underwear for you and your husband after date night. Dreadful. Oh my God, don't wear that. I was like, oh God. I've obviously bought these outfits. I've worn them before. Fuck off. Just be like, oh no, I think I prefer two or three or four. I don't need.

you to go into an extensive array of dislike for items of clothing that I've obviously bought and there was one woman who sent me a message saying hi I don't like any of those outfits. And then went into a big list about all the things that she didn't like about every single thing that I'd worn. And then ended it with saying, but maybe that's just me. Yes, it is, Carol. Do one.

Like the vast majority of people on social media are great, are lovely. We have great interactions with them and I really, really appreciate them. There is a percentage of people who I would just like to stick their heads in a bin and kick them in for a beer.

Right, Luce, you got our cheeky little urban dictionary for me to decipher this week so I can be down with the kids. I have. And this one, I really love this word and I'm going to start using it, but I don't know how to use it because I'm... Here's a little clue. I don't come across this. Is it a thunt? What's a thunt? just got that is that a spanish it's a spanish sea bomb go on right okay um what do you think a shundy is i mean it makes me want to have

a delicious half lemonade, half third betha drink, if I'm being honest. I've got a lot, like a shandy, but I imagine that that's not what that is. Is it how Sean Connery says a Sunday? Shandy. is it a a sexy sunday it's when you have a shag on a sunday and if you were sean connery it's when sean connery used to have sex on a sunday and he was like hey want to come with me and have a sunday Okay, a shunday. A shunday. How's it spelled? S-H-U-N-D-Y. Shunday. Is it? When?

A man's got a small penis, right? Like a stubby little, like a mushroom penis. You like the mushrooms you get in the pick and mix, right? Got one of them. Can't do a lot with it. Like he's a grower, not a shower. And he's maybe Geordie. I'm just going to put it out there because I think the accent works well with it. And so, and before the other person doesn't notice what a little penis that he has, he just shoved it in.

gonna shunty shunty in like you don't know how are you deck like like a minute like mini like shoveling it in but Small. Just shunday it. Shunday it in, pet. Are you all right? Just don't mind those little bits of dried coconut falling off it. Get in, in. i'm gonna give you uh the context okay okay wouldn't go in that toilet if i were you mate why not someone's only gone and done a fucking shundy in there

Well, I mean, I wouldn't like to go into a public toilet with a man with a small penis just rapidly ramming it into somebody. To be fair, the context doesn't massively help. Do you give up? No. It's a big dirty poo, isn't it? Just a big dirty poo. Someone sent a shundie. Oh, and it's like a big dirty poo. It's hit the side and it's slid down the toilet and there isn't a toilet brush and so nobody can do anything about it. So they've left a big shundie.

i like the fact that you just said it in slow motion as if it was slipping okay I'm going to tell you what it is. I feel like you could have shundered in your life before. Oh. It's when someone is so hungover, they can't help shundering on top of a massive shit that they've just had. Have I done that? Thank you.

Obviously I haven't. I'm not lucky enough. No, I've not done that. I've had to, and this hasn't been from Hangover, from when I've been very ill from both ends going at the same time. I've had to bomb into a bin. or a jug at the same time the other end was going as well. But that wasn't my fault. I still hold it against me. You've just unlocked a memory, one of my friends. I can't name her because she will never speak to me again. But she once had food.

poisoning and she was at her mum's house and she was bombing she was bombing in the toilet she was bumming in the toilet and then she shit herself and she shit herself on her mum's cream toilet mat while she was while she was spewing in the toilet Oh, I mean, but to be fair, I feel like her mum had that coming because it isn't 1982. Who has a mat around the toilet? It's so unhygienic. Just to absorb all the dribbles of wee and things. If only she'd done it the other way around.

done the she really should have if you are if in any doubt that you're going to be in that situation sit down and find something yeah find something you can i feel that you get in a better position to hold your bomb in than you pooing in that situation you can you can be like and it's easier it's easier to catch a spew than it is catch shit right i want spewed directly into steve's hands

Again, not my fault. I was pregnant with Nate at the time and I'd... had a back not no it wasn't it was jack that's a lie god how many kids do i have which one was it was jack and because he it was towards the end because he was so bloody big he was 10 10 money and um and i would get really bad back spasms because he was laying just on every nerve in my body he was just laying across and i'd got myself onto the toilet just for a wee like um and um and i couldn't get

back up again. My back went into spasm and I called Steve and the pain was that bad. You know when people say, oh God, it hurts so much. I wanted to be sick. Steve came running to me, knelt down in front of me. put his hands out to say, what's the matter? And I just like, just puked directly into his hand. It was all like dripping in between his fingers. So yeah, there we go. Bye.

There you go. That's a shundi. Wasn't quite a shundi. Wasn't quite a shundi, but yeah. Parenting fails slash parenting tales. Parenting fails slash parenting tales. Right. Drama on that one, wasn't there? Drama. I know. I like this one. This one is from Jess. I'm not going to give away her email address.

And I'm not going to do that to you, Jess. But yeah, we're going to call this one The Yucky Cake. Oh, I mean, just following on from Urban Dictionary, just where my mind immediately goes to with that name. Where's it going? Go on. No, no. It's going to be something to do with a kid's birthday and I'll get cancelled. Go on, right. Got Australian tour to vlog first. Go on, right. Right, okay. Are you sitting comfortably? Yeah, okay. Good, good.

Hi, Sophie and Lucy. Thanks so much for making me laugh every Monday. It helps me get over the Sunday blues knowing I have a new podcast landing on a Monday morning. So sweet. Here is my tale slash fail for you. Oh okay. My best friend of over 30 years is incredible at baking cakes. She always makes cakes for our friendship group whatever the occasion may be. Birthdays, baby showers, Halloween.

You name it, she will rock up with the most incredible cake that looks like it should be on Great British Bake Off. Oh, good for her. I bet everyone hates her, don't they? They'll bitch about her behind the back. Oh, no, you see, I think it's so good having that.

i've got a friend that does all the one oh it's so good because you just know that when it comes to any like birthdays you're gonna get superb beautiful piece of cake anyway unless you're stupid like me and insist on making all of your kids cakes yourself and then that person then comes to the party and you've just got looks like peppa pig had a horrible incident enough house fire yeah go on

Last year, she turned 40. So I decided it was only fair that I have a whirl of baking her a special cake to mark the milestone. That's nice. That is nice. It's considerate. A week before her surprise birthday party, I started prepping and planning the cake. I decided to try my hand at a rainbow cake, possibly a little naive at the time as to how much time it would take. But I wanted a creative challenge, so I treated myself to all new cake decorating tools and food colouring. Nice.

My three-year-old girl is also a keen baker. So I figured she could help and it would keep her entertained. Despite the coloured sponges not exactly looking as bright as I had hoped, I somehow managed to create six different coloured sponge layers ready for decorating. I mean, good for her. Good work. Yeah, the end. No joking.

As we were making the icing my little girl was constantly trying to dip her finger and try the icing so I would say no no yucky. I managed to get the layers stacked and then I decided I would tackle the more detailed decorative icing after my little one had gone to bed.

I was up until 1am creating loads of little different coloured fondant icing stars that I stuck all over the tall sides of the cake. I then tried my hand at piping, managed to write happy 40th birthday and my husband agreed that it was actually... A pretty strong effort. Excellent. I went to bed exhausted, but so excited to reveal the cake at my friend's surprise birthday party the next evening. I was even more excited to get lots of pictures to post on my Facebook.

Oh, exactly. Because if you're going to do it, it's not for the love of your friend. It's actually just for the praise from people you don't know, isn't it? Tell me how clever you are. The next morning I put the cake on the kitchen dresser so it was out of the way whilst I started cleaning up the residue icing sugar that was all over the kitchen. I nipped to the loo and then I heard a massive scraping noise followed by a loud bang.

I ran back into the kitchen, terrified that my daughter had injured herself. But instead, I see that she had dragged the kitchen bin over to the kitchen counter and pushed the cake into the bin. I squealed and she turned to me and said, no, no, mummy, yucky cake. She said, I looked at the crime scene and couldn't even attempt to salvage the cake as my husband treated me to an Indian takeaway as I was salvaging the cake the night before. So it was covered in...

I love that's where her brain went to, though. Just, oh, I could just take it out of the bin. She said, I think that... A bit of poppadom stuck in it, but it'll be fine. Adds to the taste. She said, I think that was the first and last time I will ever try bacon. My poor friend was instead greeted with a Colin the Caterpillar cake with sparklers. Thanks for the laughs from Jess.

Oh, yes. You do have an iconic London mascara winging its way to you to make up for a little bit of that. And hey, you've got a good story out of it. So, you know.

Yeah, but oh my God, I don't know how I would handle that, to be honest, because half of me would find it hilarious. The other half of me would be absolutely devastated, especially having gone to bed late as well. So you've not got... you know sleep on your side you're tired you're crabby your kitchen's a shit tip because that icing goes everywhere but the innocent and you know what you don't have the pictures for facebook you don't have the pictures you've not done it yet oh god

Oh, God, what a waste. So there we go. Thank you. There we go. Thank you, Jess. Well, that. I think that's actually quite a homely one to finish on this week. You know, there was no social services involved in it. The police weren't called. That was just a nice funny tale. We like that. We like that. So if you have liked what you have heard in your ears today.

and feel free to leave us a cheeky little review and if you don't like what you've heard you'd of course could just slide into my dms and tell me that my face is shit and you hate all my clothes so we'll see how that goes for you um and failing that we will be back next week at the same time well that's actually not true because we're just back you know whenever you download your podcast on a monday really to be honest and of course we have our finger blast that will be

fingering its way towards you on Thursday. I don't think that sounds right either. On that note, hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and nits to snack, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening!

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