Going Down Under and Train Toilet Blunders

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snap, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

So good morning, good afternoon, wherever you are in the world. Welcome to another episode of the Tired and Tester podcast with me, Sophie McCartney and...

I just have just the one special guest with me today, guys. I know we treated you last time, didn't we? You had an actual, actual, actual special guest. I've just gone for just my bog standard, my ride or die. It's Lucy with the Fringe. Hey, babe.

it's all about quality not quantity it really is uh and it's all about love handles and not abs as well isn't it oh exactly i also love as well then because it is just you and i today um the difference in a appearance of how we look for this podcast versus um how we looked for our podcast with bradley last time but anyway how you doing babes all good recovered from our boozy week in london

Well, our boozy day, boozy night. Our boozy night, our one night. I have, I have recovered. But I had a boozy, I actually had a, I was out two nights in the bounce this weekend. I saw this on Instagram and I mean, I don't know how you do it. well first off I I can't leave my house ever I don't I don't ever seem to be in a position apart from anything to do with work

impossible for me to get out and ditch my children. Whenever I see you out, I'm like, how have you done that? Have you just paid him to the house and made him look after your children? Hang on a minute. Who was tied to the house all last year? It's people. That's true. Yeah, that is true. I... revisited one of my favorite nights now ever went to bongos bingo on friday night bongos bingo bongos Which was a 90s special, which was incredible. Oh, incredible.

yeah i loved sitting watching all these sort of young 20 year old girls coming in dressed in what would have been in my wardrobe and they think it was all really funny fancy dress but i was like it was so ironic

So that was brilliant. And then on Saturday night, went out for dinner with my neighbours and my husband. He came, we had a babysitter. Oh, he came. Oh, he had a babysitter. He had a babysitter. So it's never the same when you've got a babysitter though, because I feel like I don't want to take the piss.

Yeah. So I'm like, oh, I've got to get back. But I have to say, I don't know about you. I, you know, well, I'm well versed in a night out and, and, and also true multiple nights out. I could dig it. Now that I've got two children. I've got this sensible head on. I can't do it. I can't go mad. Unless I'm not there. I was going to say, I've been in your company on many a night out. Between the two of us, you are not the sensible one. Hang on. Who dragged you home last week in London?

that is true but you were shit-faced so right okay just to set the scene so um so we had a few things on in london and then we were doing the we do the studio record with bradley last week but anyway in the evening Lucy was like, right, let's go out for dinner. So she took me to this really funky Mexican restaurant in Soho and she'd give me a little heads up before we got there. She was like, right, just so you know.

It looks like a knocking shop. It's all like, it's all like girls, girls, girls and neon across the front, above the door. Like she's blacked out, blacked out door. And then it says come across the top, which I was there for. I thought that was great.

But it's this really cool Mexican restaurant. So we'd gone in and had a lovely meal. What did you order, Lucy? Quesadilla? Quesadilla, yeah. But you didn't like it spicy. So she took me to a Mexican restaurant, but she doesn't like spicy food. I love Mexican food.

I love Mexican. It's my favorite, but I don't like spice. So we're there giving the really cool, hip, trendy Soho waiters a reward and Lucy's like, it's like being out with a five-year-old and she's like, yeah not spicy not spicy so the girl was like cool so you just you just want the bread and the cheese and she said yes i do i said the first time it came

somebody like stood maybe 12 foot away from the quesadilla um and and was holding a chili and so it was too hot for her and so she took one mouthful of it and was like I can't do it I can't do it so she had to call the waitress back over and I'm sitting there just like god here she goes I'd started talking to the table next to me at this point because I just couldn't I just couldn't deal goes back and it comes back and it literally came back a margarita pizza margarita pizza

It was delicious though. She had a lovely dinner. So we did that. But as we were leaving, we stopped to get our coats. Oh, it was so funny. Stopped to get our coats on the way out. And so bear in mind this place, this Mexican restaurant, looks like a strip joint or whatnot. Knock and shop. Do people still use the term knock and shop? Is that a well-known phrase? I mean, I've never heard knock and shop. Have you never heard of that? Maybe it's a Scouse thing.

Is that not what you go for your DIY stuff? Go and get your knocky stuff, no? That'd be a bang bang, wouldn't it? A bang bang. But yes, it looked like a strip joint. Yes, that maybe did added extras. I would say. That's what knocking shop is. As we were leaving, these two, what do you reckon they were, Luce? I reckon they were 18. 17. Maybe even 17. These two gangly lads. rocking like the girls behind the desk were like do you have a reservation they were like oh

No, nobody needed a reservation. The girl was like, this is a Mexican restaurant. Different kind of tacos, lad, over here. Different kind of tacos. You can tell that the coach lady, like the lady on reception, you could tell she was used to it because she literally, her tone was just like, for fuck's sake. I mean, to be fair, like...

It is quite misleading. It must happen all the time. And then as we were standing outside deciding where we were going to go next, these lads were standing there, just these two little lost puppies going, where are we going to go? It was very funny. Such an anticlimax for them. They probably walked in and saw you and I and probably the first thing they thought were like, oh bloody hell, are each of these strippers in here?

God's going to take them about two hours to whip those support pants off. It was funny, but we have, we always have fun. Always happen when we're together. Like we always, we always happen to, we, it's almost like we attract. like all these crazy things around us.

I think it's the good energy. I think it's the good energy of the universe. It sees you and I, and it goes, you know what, we're going to give those two something to talk about on the podcast on a Monday. And then you took me, you took me to the Soho, where was it? The Soho Arts Club.

which was cool, but it smelled very much like a public toilet, not going to lie. Walked downstairs and that's the first scent that hit me was a urinal essence, I would say. But it was quite cool. It had banging tunes. It was. a great guy who looked like David Brent you know like this is what I love about London you know because I just used to work there and lived down there for a while and like a random

a Wednesday or a Thursday would somehow be the best night out. And you'd go out with some people after work and there'd always be like just one bloke. They'd add way too many. Completely just lost it. Standing there in his suit. All his mates have gone. He doesn't know where he is. But he's going to carry on the party regardless. And there was one of these blokes wasn't there in there. Not like David Brent. But he was having the nicest time. He was having the best time.

around just bopping up to people's tables just like yeah giving it all but he was wearing um so he had his suit on but as I was having a little closer inspection of David Brent um he was wearing elasticated suit trousers so they

So they look like your average suit trouser, but they had a drawstring and like he tied them in a little bow. And he didn't look like the type of guy should be wearing trendy trousers, did he? Bless him. I'm wondering whether that was his... gym bag like he'd had his sports kit in his gym bag and he'd gone for a workout and then maybe he'd had a little accent maybe he spilled a little drink on himself and he had to put his spare trousers on like at nursery

But they were suit trousers. They were proper suit trousers. Yeah, they were suit trousers but they were elasticated. You were paying a lot of attention to his crotch. Well, you know me. Find something I like and I fixate on it. It was so brilliant. Maybe they were his vasectomy suit trousers. Maybe that he'd had the sniff. Yeah, his wife was like, go out. I'm safe on two counts.

One, your knob's going to fall off because it's sore. And two, you're in elasticated trousers. No woman is going to hit on you. It's really not going to go for you. So, yeah, so we did that. And then, yeah, then I was actually having quite a nice time. Normally, I have a few months. Five marks or something. I know. You were gone. You were mad. I know. Normally, I do have two drinks and then I go, I've got a headache. I feel a bit sick. Yeah. Can I have some water?

cut out some water a diet coke with water please um and then we are normally just doing the calculations of how many hours if we left at that specific time how many hours sleep that we would get before having to get up and then either get the train or go and do what we're going to do the next day so we left and we'd

calculated if we'd left we would get eight hours sleep and that that was that's the that's the best thing isn't it really isn't it that's the dream that's the dream but it was it was my it was my good self that was like right we finished our drinks I was like let's go yeah I think you were shooketh. I was shooketh, to be honest. It's never you. It's never you. Although then we did get outside and you made me go home in a pink, fluffy tuk-tuk. So that, you know, swings and roundabouts.

We stayed in this really nice hotel. We stayed in the Kimpton. It was called the Kimpton, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. And it was like proper classy hotels, Aros. And we rocked up at... half past two in the morning outside in this pink fluffy flamingo singing taylor swift at the top of my lungs the doorman was like jesus christ funny oh um but also advice for anybody who is attracted

to go in on those tuk-tuks never take their first offer because they will never take it 50 pounds for half a mile you get them you huddle them down you can get home for 15 quid guys um right so yes my door has just gone because I've got my exhaust

package over here so panic walks and bikinis gonna go around me holes so listeners when you are listening to this i will be on um on an airplane with three children probably only about oh god at this point only three hours into a seven hour flight um and we'll be probably massively regretting my life choices but yeah we're gonna go away I'm going to go to Dubai. That's where we're going to go. And I've not done Dubai as a family holiday before. Yeah, I have not. No, lots of people have.

It's a honeymoon destination. Like we stopped off on the way back from our honeymoon, many a moon, many a moon on our honeymoon ago. And we did a few days there, but I've never, never done it with kids, but we got. to going to Dubai because it's my big birthday this year. 21. Yep, 21 forever. And so I thought, well, because the tour schedule is quite hectic and I've got a special announcement coming.

Can I say it? Because we've already announced it, haven't we? I get really confused about being in the future on the podcast. Okay, so. It doesn't take much, does it? So, yes, I will have announced. that the Tired and Tested Tour is going down under. Tie me kangaroo down, folks.

So I'm going to Australia, possibly taking the tour to Australia. She's going global. I am going global. It's very exciting, but that's happening at the end of May going into June. And so I'll be working and that is normally when we do our family holiday. For my big birthday holiday, we thought, well, we'll do it. We'll do it in February half term instead. So we asked, we're going to Dubai. But we'd got to Dubai by process of elimination because initially I thought, well, it's my 40th.

I want to go and do something, you know, a destination that I've always wanted to go to. Extravagant, yeah. Let's push the boat out. So we were going to go to, first off, we were looking at the Caribbean. I've always wanted to go to Barbados, but I've left it too late in the day to get a good hotel, Bob. aid us so we had to canva aid us and then i then was like well maldives like that's like that's a place that people go for their 40th birthdays right that's the 40th birthday destination

So we did look into all of this and you can fly direct. You can do 10 hours now, which I didn't think was too bad. And in comparison to the 30 hours I'm going to have to spend up my children dragging them all the way to Australia with me.

So anyway, I thought I'm going to have to get on a bloody seaplane, aren't I? And I don't like planes. I don't like planes in general. And I especially don't like the ones with propellers. And I think that when I think Maldives, I think of like the huts in the sea.

absolutely a logistical nightmare when you've got our kids honestly we have a mantra in this house right and i shout the kids if you go through a gate you close the gate it's like living in the countryside here okay you got to keep all the cattle where they're meant to be and our kids rubbish for it so i'm constantly running after nate when he's anywhere near stairs because i know one of the kids is left getting open can you imagine being in one of them oh my goodness what steve and i going

Has anyone seen Nate? Because that's also what we say on a day-to-day basis. Has anyone seen Nate? And he's just off having a hug with a shark in the Indian Ocean. So no, no. The anxiety, no. Yeah, and also... When I was like looking at all the aerial shots of the Maldives, they're very small islands. And it would literally be like I was paying an arm and a leg to be stranded on a desert island with three children for 10 days.

And I decided I didn't want that for myself for my 40th birthday. I decided that wasn't what it was all about. Yeah, lovely. Lovely if it was just you and Steve. Lovely if it was just you and me. We'd have a lovely time. You need to give Steve some time with Sophie as well. Come on. Yeah, I know, I know. But we'd probably run out of things to talk about after 24 hours, to be honest. We would.

Yeah, we wouldn't. We'd just keep going. So, yeah, so we decided on Dubai because there's loads to do for the kids in Dubai and it'll be quite warm out there. So I'm going to spend my special birthday going to water parks. Oh, gosh. Do you know what? You'll have a great time. We will. We will have a good time. So the kids are so excited about it. Did I ever tell you about the time I ended up in Dubai for a bit, but I wasn't meant to?

Was this when you went to Australia for three days? So I've actually only been to Australia once in my life. It was back in the early days of Jez and I dating. And I think we'd only been together about a year and he was doing a world tour, which involved...

a stint in Australia and he was away by the way that's sorry let me just let me just interrupt because for our non-Geordie listeners a tour is a tour carry on all right yeah yeah okay he must have been away for about two or three months and he was like well I was like when am I going to see you and he said well I've got three days off

in melbourne so i'm like okay he was like do you want to come melbourne i was like okay let's do it anyway we worked out that if I stayed whilst he also had the two gigs I would be able to have five days in Melbourne so I was like okay I can do this this is fine so get on my flight at London and I'm all good end up stopping in Dubai to refuel so get off and at the time I was really conscious of like

We got off the flight and I was like, I'm not going to eat anything because when I get back on the flight, we'll be having our big meal, you know, so we're only just dropping off to refuel, won't be long. I thought you were going to say, I was really conscious of the 20 kilos of Coke that I had in my handbag. Can you imagine?

So we get off and then get on in the queue to get back on the train, the train, the plane, get back on the plane. And the pilot, the driver, the pilot was like, I'm really sorry, we're having some issues. So we're just going to get... them all back off the plane again um and then we're just going to sort out these issues and then you're gonna we're gonna be on our way to Australia so I was like right so we get back off as a kind of um apology to a sweetener we all got given a meal ticket

For the meal ticket, I was again thinking, I'm going to wait for my big meal when I get back on. So I used it on an apple because I was like, I'm just going to wait, wait till I get back on. Anyway, ended up being in, long story short, ended up being... stuck in Dubai then for a good few hours, get back on the plane for them to see.

We've just tried to take off again and the aeroplane is broken. So everybody's going to have to get off and stay in Dubai for a night. And I was like, I can't do that because I'm only going to Dubai. I'm only going to Australia for three days. Have I got another day in Dubai? So I end up.

calling Jez, being like, I'm stuck in Dubai. Help, come and save me. So he then booked another flight for me from Dubai, but that meant that I was going to have to stay in Dubai airport for seven hours. So here I am, Lucy from London. wandering around Dubai airport, no idea where I am. My geography is awful. I don't actually know where in the world it is. I then had to get a new flight seven hours later.

via Doha. I didn't know if Doha was a country or if it was a city, but I was like, okay, we're just going to go with this. I've got no idea where I am right now. I realized I didn't have any cash. So I went to... an ATM to get some money out and it was all in Dubai-ish and I was like I don't well I don't know what sorry but I don't know what they well I don't know but I didn't know what the what the currency was so it's like if I if I press that is that gonna

cost me like, is that going to be like a fiver in UK money or is it going to be 500 quid? I have no idea. It was honestly, it was, I was a lost puppy. a lot so that's my only experience i have to buy and i really hope it doesn't happen to you well it won't because you just got you well i'm staying there anyway so if i get off the plane i'm just off the plane you're good you're good yeah so i'm all right i'm all right

So, Lise, I had a little bit of a parenting faux pas this week. I would say it's not bad enough to go in a parenting fails. I don't think it's worthy of an iconic mascara. And you don't need to be anonymous. Okay. No, I don't think social services have come for me.

to be honest, I don't think. So I went to my mum and dad's yesterday and to get from our house to my mum and dad's, we have to drive past a crematorium. So I was driving past, Jack's looking out the window and he's sitting in the front with me now, got Nate and Evelyn in the back. And he just goes, Mummy, what's a crematorium?

So he's seen graveyards before. I've had an awful explanation of being buried alive that I've tried to explain to him as well. But he never really pondered what other options there were once life is no more. So I thought, I can't lie to him. He's going to high school next year. I mean, he still believes in the tooth fairy, but he's going to high school next year. So now's the time to traumatize him. So I was like, well, darling, and I'm trying to do this. Just bear in mind, I've got Evelyn.

who's eight in the back and little eight chops. He doesn't really have a clue what's going on, but he was eating a bag of mini cheddar, so he was happy. And I was like, well, darling. I was like, these are things. Like a CBeebies presenter explaining death. I say, well, you know, when we die, I was like, some people...

Some people choose to be put in the ground and then their body decomposes in a wooden box. Other people, they decide, and in my head I'm thinking, how do you upcycle this? How do you upsell it to make this? sound as fucking awful yeah as it is so i was like so some people they decide um that that they want to be burnt and he was like what I said, yeah, but burnt. And he was like, but how does that happen? I said, they, well, they put you in a really big, special, fancy oven.

Like, and I don't know why I thought that by making the oven sound like a range master, that that was maybe going to make the situation any better. So he's at this point just ashen going, but... What happens to you then when you go inside? Of the oven, I was like, well, all the fire comes, darling. Just all the special fire comes. And then you get turned into dust. I'm like, no matter how I'm trying to make this sound better. You can't.

You can't dress up being cremated. You cannot polish that turd. No. So then he's like, okay, so what happens to you after you cremated? And I was like, oh, okay. Well, this is a nicer part. I was like, well, they give the family. back the ashy bits and then um what sometimes happens is that the family then they take the ashes and they either take them home and you get a very fancy jar and um and you get you get put on a mantelpiece

And people can speak to you every day. And he's looking at me like, what the fuck? I said, or you can be given back to your family members and then they will choose a special place. that they can take your ashes and they can sprinkle them and then you become part of the wind. And he went, oh, is that? body parts in the wind people do i'm breathing in people's body parts i was like yeah

I was like, don't you think that's nice? And I said to people, you know, people like to pick special places that they would go and have their ashes sprinkled. And then he went, well, oh, we could sprinkle you in New York. And I was like, oh, because that's where Steve and I got engaged. That's actually a lovely...

I was like, I don't know. I might have somewhere else in mind. And then Evelyn's in the back going, I don't want to sprinkle her in New York. And I was like, all right, hang on a minute. And Evelyn's like, well, I have a stay. I have a stay in where she goes. I don't want her to go in New York.

And then just for fighting, bickering between themselves about what they're going to do with my dead body. Oh, God. And so Nate's just sitting there eating his mini cheddars. Like, this is a nice day out in the car, in the brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum. And they're just like.

And they're twatting each other over the seats because Jack wants to sprinkle me in New York and Evelyn wants to put me in a pot in the garden. So in the end, Jack just goes, tell you what, Evelyn, we'll just put her in the cellar with dad, all right?

She agreed to this. I don't know what's happened to Steve. He's already been bumped off well before me. And I've obviously agreed to him being in the cellar. I'm going in the cellar. I'm going in the cellar with Steve. I was like, that's nice to know. Thanks so much.

painful conversations it's so weird that you say that because last night um Kate and I were watching some I think it was Sonic on Netflix and they were talking about I don't know if it was somebody dying or something And Kit, who is now just turned four, turns to me and goes, Mommy, how do you get deaded? How do you get deaded? I said, do you mean how do you die? he said yeah how do you die and I was like oh god I'm so not ready for this conversation so I said well there are

People die from different things. Some people get poorly. Some people just get really old. Like Gran. And I'm like, yeah, Gran's probably going to die soon. So then he turned to me and he said, but mummy, when are you going to die? And I'm like, oh God, this is going to really upset him because he's going to realise that I'm going to die. And I went, oh, not for a really long time, Kit. Not for a really, really, really long time. And he went, okay, mummy, I'm 95 and then I'm going to be six.

And I went, yeah. And he went, yeah. And then he just went back to watch it. It's so upsetting. I remember doing this with Evelyn and telling her that we were all. I got so upset by it that I just lied to her and said that I would wait for them to be old enough and then I'd die. We'd all die together. We'd go to heaven in an Uber. That's how we settled on it.

in the end because i just couldn't cope and then steve's crowd so they we haven't really i mean fortunately they haven't really had a lot of experience of death in our family the only person that they've been close to that's died has been steve

grandma and that was a few years ago so the kids were really little and really unfortunately the day before Steve's grandma had died we'd been out for a walk and we'd seen a dead pigeon in the road and Evelyn had said well what's happened to the pigeon and I was like oh it looks like the pigeons had a nasty accident but it's fine because it's gone to heaven now. I don't know what the list is like in heaven, but they're letting all the street pigeons in up there. But anyway.

So I've told her this. And then Steve's grandpa passes away. And I'm like, oh, shit. Sitting there, sitting the kids down. I was thinking they're going to be absolutely devastated about this. Absolutely. Because they love Gigi. Like, absolutely devoid about it. Scouts were devastated. and jack and he's looking at me and then he because he must have been five six maybe and he just went

Can I go back to playing Lego now? And I was like, okay, cool. You're going to be a psychopath when you're older. This is nice. And then Evelyn just went, don't worry, Jack. Gigi's in heaven with the pigeon. And I was like, oh God, I was like, this is really tragic. It's a really tragic situation. It's a good value. You know, I took Nate to, so my auntie, so my, yeah, so the kid's great aunties. They hadn't seen it much, but my auntie, she passed away.

uh last year and i because all of my family members who would look after nate for me up here were going to be at the funeral And so I had to take Nate with me to the funeral because it was either that or I didn't go. So I spoke to my dad and he spoke to my cousins and said, can she bring Nate because otherwise she can't come. So they were all like, yeah, that's fine. And I was like, oh God, I didn't know really what the etiquette was for bringing.

a baby to a funeral because I was like if he's gonna kick off it's gonna be really inappropriate or even worse he was at that stage you know when they just start laughing at random things yeah I was like he can't be sitting there just belly laughing

as you know yeah at the funeral I was like oh god so I just had the most amount of anxiety about this whatsoever but I'd taken a bag of stuff when we got there we'd seen my mum and dad's friends Paul and I and they said well tell you what give us Nate and we'll sit back

and then if he with him and if he goes then we'll just nip out and I said I didn't want to because I thought he's gonna if he can't see me he's gonna kick off but they were like well give us all your bag and things give us all your stuff so they've taken the bag that I'd taken with me the suitcase today and to take a boot case with me. So they were sat at the back.

I'm sat with Nate, who's having a lovely time waving to everybody at the funeral. I wonder why everyone's crying. And he's like, oh my God, what's wrong with you? It's waving to everybody. It's like, it's no pun, deathly silent at this point. We're having a prayer. And from the back, I can suddenly hear mooing. And I was like, no.

And I realized that one of the toys that I've put in the bottom, the people that I've given the bag to, I haven't said there's a load of toys in there. They've moved the bag out of the way and they've hit one of the toys and it's going in the back. And I was just like, oh God, what do I do? What do I do? Do I get off?

forget up and try and sort it out and but afterwards they were just like thank thanks so much for that everybody was staring around looking at them like they'd brought the mooing phone or something with them to the funeral yeah he was really good and he didn't kick off until right

right as they're doing the last rites and he'd been having a lovely time just bobbing his head around to some of the songs that he'd cracked his head on the pew and then he's you know when they're silent and I just yeah and I just picked him up picked him up like he was a grenade Yeah, and ran. I don't think I want a funeral. I'm just putting it out there. I don't think I want a funeral. I just want the actor party, which I think is what they're called, isn't it? Celebration of life.

a week yeah don't bother don't bother just coming and looking at me and crying because I'm dead although I reckon and you do want people crying you want people to miss you yeah but you know like Why are you not crying? But I think probably what I'll do for mine is I might just, you know, if I know in advance that it's happening, I might just prepare some funny like voiceover work for it.

yeah i'll just yeah so maybe some vts that i'll i'll pop up anyway that's quite morbid but yeah take the baby to a funeral guys

Right then, Luce. I mean, I just, I don't know whether it's got the same vibe now. It's just me and you, but I feel less pressure. I feel less pressure now that there's not a hot man looking at me when I'm talking about jizz. So what's today's Urban Dictionary Corner? Okay. I chose this one because I just think it's a lovely word. What do you think a manuka is? M-I-N-O-K-A. Is it not a type of honey?

Manuka honey. Different spelling. It is. It is. Different spelling. Oh, okay. So, I wonder whether it's something. Oh, God. Is it going to be jizzy? Oh, I know. Is it a golden shower? Is it like a golden shower? Oh, is it a golden shower? A golden shower if you're really dehydrated. Do you know about that? Like where you have just like a thick, like a treacle piss. Do you know what I mean?

We really need to drink a couple of pints of water. You've had a great night out. You've had a great night out. And then you've gone to have a wee. You've had a great night out, right? You brought someone back. and then you you get them back and you think right now it's time for the water sports so you get them on the bed you're ready oh god on the bed

On the bed. You put a sheet down. You put a special terry towel and waterproof back sheet on. You're squatting over them and just a really gloopy treacle piss comes out because you had too much tequila. Oh, babe. That it? And they were like, oh my God. You manookered on my bazookas. It's very good. It's very good. As I said at the start.

It's a different spelling. So it's actually got nothing to do with it. Okay. Amenuka. Okay. It's actually, it's quite cute because, you know, you tell me off for all of the naughty ones. So it's actually a boner. that you get while you're cuddling. So me and my boyfriend were cuddling and he got a manuka. I think it's cute and I don't know where it came from but it sounds nicer than a boner.

It sounds like a weird small primate. Do you know what I mean? I think it sounds like a little puppy. A little minuka. If I was a man, I'd be offended. well this is definitely a woman that's penned this you can tell like it's a woman you can tell the ones that are women's written versus the ones that the blokes have written to be honest but yeah it's it's just a little it's a little maybe it's a mini boner

Maybe like a half on. Maybe, but yeah. A cuddly boner. A manuka. A cuddly boner. Wow. I mean, it's just any time that you get an arrest. Steve would get just like a normal erection from a cuddle, just anything, any kind of passive, look in his direction, seen my elbow and he's like, fucking hell, manuka me up.

Parenting Tales. Parenting fails. Yeah, we haven't done the thing to you in a while, have we? I mean, probably because it's a little bit gash, if we're being honest. But Luz, what have we got today for the parenting tale slash fail? Who's going to be our worthy winner of the iconic London Triple Threat mascara?

Rebecca from Redding. Oh, okay, Rebecca. She's either, this is either like she's just talking about how great she is as a parent, so she's put her own name on, or she's just ballsy and doesn't care. Do you know what? She's ballsy. Ballsy. She's ballsy. I hope she doesn't say to keep her anonymous. I don't think she does. Thanks, Rebecca, for my wedding. 37. Oh, she's put her a dress as well. No, I'm joking. Right. Okay, so this one is called Train Shame. Oh, gosh. We're going public transport.

Oh, no, it's not going to be like that Dorno Porter book, is it? Mad Cows, where she fingers herself on the train and somebody films it. No, not read that one. Never read it, but sounds like a great read. Anyway, okay. Hi, ladies. Thanks so much for the podcast. It's the weekly uplift I never knew I needed. I've been thinking of sending the story for a while. I think I'm still a bit scarred, but I'll share it in the hope it's going to cheer other listeners.

Also hoping I might get an iconic mascara. There we go. That's the main reason. It's the main reason. It is. Those lashes. It's worth it. It's worth it. So I live in Reading, not too far from London, which is a great day out for my little one because it's only 25 minutes on the train. Handy. Excellent. Selling Reading. Is she some kind of public ambassador for why we should all live in Reading? Maybe that's why she said her name so that if she can get some sort of award. Hashtag ad. Hashtag ad.

I don't work on Fridays. So one day I decided to head into London to go to the zoo for a nice little day out with my toddler. We got on the train and about 10 minutes into the journey, I had a sudden feeling of needing to go to the loo for a number. two oh no it's the worst on a train you can't you can't go for a dump on the train my son was two at the time so I had to take him with me to find the toilet We got into the toilet which happened to be one of those big toilets with a button.

Oh no, I'm seeing buttons. I'm seeing two-year-olds. I'm seeing needing to do a dump on the train. Oh no, it's going to be like snakes on a plane, isn't it? But like with a big log snake instead. Yeah. We get in and I was feeling a little bit unwell and started to feel cold sweats. My little boy wanted to leave so I had to say mummy has a bit of a poorly tummy I just need a little bit longer.

He was playing with the tap and the sink and I had no choice but to leave him to just soak himself. I was feeling a bit woozy so I put my head into my hands while sat on the toilet. Next thing I know.

The toilet door slides open to a bunch of passengers waiting to use the toilet. My darling son had decided to press the button to open the door exposing me with my trousers down. To make it worse, I hadn't... finished my business oh no so i couldn't get off the toilet to press press the button so i just shouted press the button the button to my son my son my son then looks at me looks at the people waiting and said my mummy's got a pearly tummy

Can I imagine the waft? The waft will come out. Oh, God. This is why you can't be on a train. Don't ever do it. Hold it in. Or just shut yourself and sort it out after. I have never been able to live this one down and think the look of shock on those passengers' faces will be with me forever. Oh my God.

Did somebody close the door in the end? Somebody put their hand around for it? I hope so. I hope so. I mean, you'd be off if you were standing. We need to follow up on the follow through because I need to know if somebody closed that door for us. Oh, so hopefully this will be enough to get my hands on a mascara. Of course it is. Thanks for the laughs from Rebecca. Oh, my goodness. Now, Lucy, I mean, you had to go for a poop on a train, didn't you?

last week stop it it only it doesn't happen very often But she's the running commentary that I was getting. Too much, too much, too much. You've already got your iconic London mascara. I've got one. I don't need one, thanks. There were no children in sight, so that wouldn't work for this section because it was just a live film. I did screenshot our conversation just for use at another point in time, babe. So another, we'll park it.

We'll park your log story for another day. But whilst we're talking about people writing in, we got somebody, one of our listeners from Canada. Canada, eh? canada right she's written in because you know we ask you you you were like

What do people in America, do they call it an English breakfast muffin? When they go to McDonald's. Yeah, well, yeah, when they go to McDonald's. And whether it's an English muffin or just a muffin, depending on what part of the world you're in. Well, Janelle has written in. Janelle has said, Hi Sophie and Lucy, love listening to you ladies every week.

Fully look forward to sticking in my AirPods and tackling the day's chores with you two keeping my company along the way. Life can be dull most days as I, as a stay at home mom, mom. So thank you daily for the laughs. Okay. So McDonald's breakfast in Canada, where I'm from. you most definitely can get pancakes with bacon and maple syrup. But you can also get a griddle, which essentially is like an English McMuffin.

which we can get here too, made with bacon or sausage. And I believe chicken is an option now with an egg and cheese. So the McGriddle is the same as an English muffin. But it's made with two pancakes instead of an English muffin. Also, they've got breakfast wraps.

and bagel belts which is b-e-l-t-s which is bacon egg lettuce tomato on a bagel of your choice nothing beats a sausage english mcmuffin with two hash browns on the side and a large orange juice after a night out have a great day keep doing a fantastic job so how nice

society and it is it is answered a burning question you know yeah we we don't have very deep and meaningful chats in life but that was probably one of the best wasn't it that we just needed to know what other people in different parts of the world had as an English McMuffin. So anyone else who's listening from a different country, please, please do tell us what your McDonald's breakfast menu is also. The people want to know. Sophie wants to know.

If I could see one now, but it's past 11 o'clock. It's 10.30, babe. 10.30. It's not 11, it's 10.30. Is it? Is it early bird? Yeah, the only bird catches the McDonald's breakfast. So there we go. Another episode of the Tad and Tessa podcast with me, Sophie McCartney, is done and dusted for this week.

cry we shall be back next week and of course there is a little snackette that is coming on thursday as well so if you have enjoyed what you've listened to today or in the past you could give us a little solid favor and um and go and give us a comment give us a review give us a little cheeky like um also

I'm back on tour. I don't know if I hardly ever mention it at all, but I'm back. I'm hitting the road loose. Sending me back out again. Off I go. So this week I am back to it. And of course, I'm going to be in Australia and New Zealand, but there is a link in the show notes you can click on there and you can purchase your tickets there.

And of course, if you have a parenting fail or tail, we don't really want your wanky parenting stories. We want really just the awful ones, please. So yes, if you would like to send those in, you can send them in to Tad and Tested at ACAS.com.

Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.