Gig Skits and Private Bits

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Starring Harriet Dyer and Tim Meadows, DMV is here to serve you laughs. Watch October 13th at 8.30, 7.30 Central on CBS and streaming on Paramount+. Tired and Tested podcast. We're series three. We're just de-rolling through. All right, Luz, how are you doing? Yeah, well, we're still sat in the same clothes. We are. We are doing that. You're going off on holiday for a week, aren't you? I am. So we're double...

We're double ending. Last week I double porked. This week I'm just double ending. I was just going to say back. back-to-back recording. I think, I don't know if it's back-to-back. Back-to-back is any different. I'm not entirely sure. But yeah, we're doing a double record this week. So we are in the same outfits team. We are. I am sporting my one...

but in the rave hoodie, though. Always hustling. Always hustling. It's not a hoodie. Also, that's a lie. It's got no hood attached to it. But Lucy, you got me this for my birthday. I did. I did. I think we're sort of, we're dipping our toe into potential merch, aren't we? Do you love it? As the tour is about to finish, we were like, hey, should we get some merch? Oh, we've already done 48 shows. Yeah, yeah.

Now feels like, oh, we've got six or so left. Now feels like the perfect time for merch. Always ahead of the trends. Always ahead of the trends. I do love it though. I do love it. It's metallic at the bottom. Yeah. I know you know because you bought it for me. but for listeners. Oh, by the way, you can listen to us and watch us, but only if you watch us on Spotify.

that's it so you can you can listen to us by apple and all your other things but if you want to actually see our beautiful faces while we have mascara on i can't promise what we're going to look like in the next two to three weeks yeah i mean it's probably only worth watching maybe last week's this week's because god knows what the next what the fuck we're gonna look like yeah but that's fine

The enthusiasm for looking nice will wear off quite quickly. To be honest, since I have finished, so now finished the first leg of the One Foot in the Rave tour. And because I have to wear, well, I don't have to, but I like to wear like full stage makeup. Like I go full glam for it.

but it is the worst part of my day. When I rock up, I rock up to the theater, like four o'clock for soundtrack, do my soundtrack, normally done with that. Then I've got an hour to glam up between five and six and then six till seven. I normally do my meet and greets and then depending on whether I've got a support act on or not, then it's like. quick like turn around to get on stage so in that hour where I have to glam it is the worst fucking point of my week

I'm now just so lazy. I just sit down and I go, oh, gotta put a face on. All the effort, all the bloody makeup that goes on. So actually when I'm not touring, when I'm not gigging. I look like a shit show 90% of the time. And I'm really fine with that. Like there would have been a time where I wouldn't have dared go out and do the school run without a shred of makeup on. I just, I just go out. I look dreadful.

him home from school the day and um i'd i had filmed i'd filmed something and so i'd had to i'd have to make myself look five percent more presentable and he walked in through the door and he went where have you been I went, oh, is it because nobody's got makeup on? He went, yeah. I went, oh, no, I haven't been anywhere. I was just about to film something. He went, oh, right, yeah.

They're just so conditioned to mommy not being asked as to what she looks like. This is a nice little segue talking about Jack. Can we just talk about, because we've not talked about this in the pod.

your show at the Lowry in Salford what happened oh my god okay for those of us who were there we really lived through that show at the Lowry So I love the Lowry. The Lowry is one of my favorite places to gig. Like there's three rooms within the Lowry, which, and I've done all three of them. And so I was in the Lyric, which is the biggest one. I did that last year and I did this year. So it's about what? One point.

four or five thousand capacity on it something like that anyway it's a biggie it's one of my faves it's beautiful it's gorgeous um and um so I was really looking forward to this show And we start off and there's been a couple of things that happened within the first 20 minutes of the show. Within the first 20 minutes of the show that to everybody watching, it was hilarious.

And objectively, if I took myself out of the situation, if I was watching a comedy show and this was unfolding, I'd be like, fucking brilliant. This is outstanding. But when I'm standing there on a stage and all this is unfolding. in front of me like there were a couple of points where I just needed the ground to swallow me off and I think like at one point my soul departed from my body and it just like like some like teenagers had just vaped me out I just you probably could have seen

disappear up into the lighting rig. First of all, I came out first off and there was a woman asleep on the front row. Kate. More Kate. So Kate, I'd met Kate in the meet and greets as well. So she'd, bless her, she'd paid more to come and meet me and get her front Rosie. I would have a lovely chat. She bought me a little book that she wrote of poems, angry poems towards her ex-husband. It's not his name, but it's what it is.

should have been called and um and Kate I reckon I'd had a few Proseccos at the point that I had met her at six o'clock uh and and then Sam yeah Sam had Sam had opened for me Sam Avery had opened for me so he was on at eight and then I went straight at 8.20 so in between 6 and 8.20 she'd had a chance then to maybe fuel herself a little bit more so gone out and I was maybe what 10 minutes in

And I look down and Kate is on the front row. Absolutely. Sparko. And there are certain things when you do stand up that you go. in your head you're talking about you said you go you're running through your set but your mind is always whirling about what's happening in the room and this is actually it's really interesting the more that you get comfortable with the show the more your brain moves freely and my mouth can say the words but I'm also thinking about

what else I can do what else I can work and if I've seen somebody interesting in the crowd what I'm going to say to them who I'm going to big on who you know and anyway and I'm seeing Kate absolutely full on asleep at the front and in my head I'm going do I draw attention to this because Optics wise, I don't know if it looks great to point out a woman who's asleep because it doesn't mean that I am boring as fuck. Or...

Is it hilarious that she's full? But then I got concerned because I was like, is she okay? Has she had a cardiac? Like, has something happened? Do we need to wellness check on Cape? Because we can't, I can't just leave her. Like it's dark. Medic! Medic! Yeah, medic. Nobody else maybe can see her. She was like right under a light for me so I could see her. So I did. I stopped. And I was like, sorry, everyone. And bear in mind, this is like a one point.

4,000, 5,000 capacity. So obviously not everybody can see Kate on the front row. And I've like had to stop the show. And I'm like, sorry. I was like, I just need to draw everybody's attention to the fact that there is a woman fully asleep on the front row. So we're mates there trying to like poke her. I'm like, babe. My son there with a microphone right in her face like, babe, babe, babe. And then Kate wakes up like, like, where the fuck am I? And I'm like, are you okay?

Anyway, it goes on that Kate's got some young children. So I'm like, okay. Like, I understand. I was like, you've paid for your seat, babe. You know, I get it. You do what you want to do in your seat. You've got your own kids. I was like, how old are your kids? And she's like seven and three. And I was like, the dog just really obnoxiously shaking his collar in the background.

And so I was like, okay. I was like, I guess the three-year-old doesn't sleep then. She just went, no, he's all right, cunt. And I was like, oh, no. first thing I was like oh my god so then we're having to talk about Kate's cunt of a three-year-old I don't think we can call the three-year-old cunts but okay I understood the sentiment it was just the severity of which it came out anyway

So then I like to, I don't even know if I can bring myself to soccer. Come on, you can do it. You can do it. Come on, so. Then. There's a bit in the show. There's a bit in the show. I like to have a chat.

to the men who've come along because I don't often get men who come along so the ones who come I like to know the background sitch I like to know whether they have you know bought themselves tickets whether they've come with their own free will whether they've been dragged along whether they've been dragged along at what point they would

told that they were coming to see me because my audience is 99.9% female right like that and I'm fine with that I love that but I love it when the guys come as well because generally they all have a lovely time they message me afterwards to go

This was great. Like I was worried, but I had the best time. So I liked, I liked to have a chat and I'm not mean to the lads. I just like to have a chat and just, you know, introduce myself, make them feel a little bit more at ease, which I understand does not make them feel at ease when I stand there with a microphone and talk at them. Anyway. But it was a big venue. It was very dark.

And I couldn't really see. Apart from the front row. Apart from Kate, who was Argo. But I couldn't really see. And you have all the lights. Can you tell how much I'm justifying this already? You have all the lights shining in your face. But you really can't see the audience. All that.

well also I'm over 40 now the eyesight is deteriorating distance is not my friend like I did have my contacts in but they were dry because you know the lighting but in fairness the first five plus rows were just women right So I couldn't see any fellas. So I said to the audience, if you are sat next to a man, can you just point? him out to me because I can't see so all these women start like pointing to somebody behind them and I'm like oh and all I can see in the darkness all right okay is

a very short hairstyle, and a lumberjack shirt. So you say... Well, because these fucking women are pointing to this person. Yeah. So I've gone... Hello, sir. To which, sir replies, I'm not a man. To which then,

The 1.4 or 5,000 people in the Lowry all went... And I was like, oh, my God. And as I've edged my way forwards... towards the lights a little bit more I'm like hanging off the edge of the stage I can see that the person that I have just addressed as a man is a lady with short hair and I have just called her a man in front of all of these people at the Lowry so then in my head I'm like fuck okay keep it calm keep it breezy keep it going I mean at this point everybody is absolutely buzzing

Kate on the front row is walking up. She's walking up. She's back in the room. Like the best laughs. Honest to God, like it was going off in the Lowry as I'm then trying to problem solve without offending any further problem solve my way out of misgendering this woman in front of a lot of people.

Anyway, she was great. She was hilarious. It was fine. We smoothed it over. We smoothed it over. Then I started talking to, I then found an actual man. It was a couple in their 70s maybe. early 60s early 70s whose daughter had bought them this as a gift

But she hadn't come with them. She'd fucked off to Scotland and had just left her leaning towards elderly parents who had no idea what was happening to come and see me. So having a little chat with them. So then that had all happened. It was all kicking off with them.

off with kate kicked off with the poor woman who i'd said was a man who was not a man then towards the first end of everyone is the listeners have seen the show and i don't want to give too much away because i've still got the second leg to go so i'm not going to tell you the ins and the outs of it But I do quite a passionate act out scenario, I would say, of something that my son learned.

in year seven biology that is, it's not ideal, I would say, to do in front of your child's high school biology teacher. Which is exactly what fucking happened. There's all this tittering that's going on on the front row. And I'm like, well, what's going on down there? And then this voice shouts out.

jeez jack's biology teacher i was like oh my fucking god right i just like and i can't i can't even describe like how awkward this act out scenario is of what my son learned at not she says it learned at high school biology that he's brought home to me and then i'm acting out a certain scenario trying to explain it you can say it was it was what was it what do you call it it was sperm related it was sperm related what do you call that the peace ps no no it was no it was biology

reproduction oh yeah it was biology no it wasn't sex ed it was full biology okay that he'd come home with quite some it's some interesting questions around logistics shall we say yeah and i have over explained badly in the that I do with some acting out but at the point then that Jack's biology teacher then pipes up I'm like fuck I'd committed I had to then go through with this act out and this explanation

from his biology teacher who was sat on the front row oh god it was inspiration was right in front of you it was it was it was awful i've then come off at the interval i've messaged steve and i was like oh my fucking god i was like well first off what a fucking show so far oh my god i want to die but also jack's brother's teacher is on the front row and he's like don't talk to her again i was like i can't leave it alone i knew i should have walked away from it

but then I couldn't. So then I've come back out on the second half and like my inner intrusive thoughts are like, just try and make it better for yourself, which I was making it worse for myself. And then I finished the show and then I've come back. And then the next morning. Steve's like, leave it. I'm like, I'm gonna have to email her.

And he's like, don't email her. And I'm like, I'm going to have to email her. I was like, I can't cope about what parents evening is now going to be like, now that she's seen me do this routine, I feel like I need to explain it. And Steve's like, step away from your computer. And I was like, I can't. So I'm there, like I'm the subject line of my email. that I sent her official high school email address was sorry in capital letters.

And then anyway, she'd reply, it's all good. It's fine for Paris evening. It's going to be so fucking awkward. Then I had... You don't have to worry about it because you've dug yourself a hole through to Australia. You're not going to be there anyway. I might just go through the hole and just go and live in. Oh God, the dog's eating something. cream wait oh no this is the joy of video you see the actual chaos of the time test recording oh no it's your spf it's my spf 50 oh no

Oh, I think that's all right. At least your teeth are going to be protected from the UVA. Yeah, you'll be fine. He's licking his lips like that's the most delicious thing he's ever had. It does smell, that skin of me, SPF does smell good. It does smell good. Anyway, yeah, so that was the lounge.

Sorry. It was a whole ordeal. A whole ordeal. It was great. It was great. It was very funny. And there was a lot of impromptu. I don't come to every show, but the ones that I do, there's always some impromptu shit. goes down that you just can't plan you just never know just never know what the fuck is going to turn up which is the joy of live comedy gang so tickets for the second leg if you fancy coming along and being really offended by me are available

at livenation.co.uk. Absolutely. Kicking off September through till October. When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp. The secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom's 60th. And never miss a meme or milestone.

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Speaking of biology, so I am a mum of boys. okay are you you've never I'm a mum with boys I've got two little boys but uh yesterday we were uh with my little niece Marnie she is uh she's nearly four okay and um we were in a little restaurant having tea and I took Kit who is five and Marnie to the toilet and we went to like the disabled toilet for the two of them to go to the toilet anyway Kit has his wee and then Marnie goes to sit on the toilet to have her wee and Kit went

I saw her pee-pee. And I went, no, Marnie doesn't have a pee-pee because she is a girl. And he went, well, I saw the crack. So then at this point, I'm like... Well, and then I didn't want to say, well, that's because Marnie's got, I know you're meant to say vagina. No, you're not. Oh, I thought you were. No, it's not vagina. You're meant to go vulva.

Yeah, because vagina technically is the innards in it. But then I was like, I don't know what my brother and sister-in-law call it. So I didn't want to confuse her. So then I'm just like in this situation going, well, you've got to. you've got a so I was like I just went with belly button situation you've got you've got an outie she's got a ninny and I was like well she's got a ninny haven't you and Marnie is just looking at me like

So you didn't want to confuse her by saying a vulva, so you decided to go with a nunny instead. You decided to take almost like a religious reference and stick it on his forehead. You said nun. Noony.

double yeah but i just i was like i what i know there's this whole thing so that's what i was gonna ask what you're meant to call it and what do you like what oh when we were little i would call it my front we would call it my front bum front um a front bum you know what i don't know what I called it when uh well Nate's gonna be asking you soon I was just imagining it I think third child just you know just it's what it is

To be fair, Evelyn was Minnie. We still probably would refer to her as her Minnie if we needed to talk about it. We'd probably go with a Minnie. I don't know. I know that you are meant to and I understand. the reasoning behind you know it takes down the shame barrier it makes it you know like if ever yeah professionally you know they were the doctors or whatnot you know I get it's nothing to be ashamed of it just seems quite severe doesn't it

It's a very aggressive word, I would say. Penis, I don't think penis is as aggressive. Yeah, it's just, I don't know whether I prefer labia to vulva. Labia sounds a bit more like sort of like the Lady of Labia, like Lawrence of Arabia. sounds a little bit more like sort of regal labia maybe yeah i just you know i was just in a real situation i was like oh my god what are you meant to do in this situation anyway

God, I don't think I'll be taking the two of them into a toilet together anytime soon. Well, it's just, if you ever had to take the boys into the toilet where you, so.

Or you've been on a period and you need to, when the kids are too little to leave them outside, but you need to go into the toilet. And then it's, oh my God. This happened to me the other week, you know. I had to go to Luke with Kit. It would have been fine if it was Bobby because he... would have just been like these two whatever but kit said mommy did you just have a poo because it was like yeah

My period came on the plane in Dubai when we went last February. And I had to take Evelyn into the toilet when we landed. I was like, I had to take her in to the toilet in Dubai. And I'm trying to shield.

put in a tampon because she was older but I still like foreign country i'm not leaving her outside the toilet so she's she's in with me no offense to foreign countries but you know she just wanted we're in an airport like in a different country so boring um and i'm like trying to like shield myself

from, you know, still needing to like put a tampon in. But I want to see, I want her to see me put the tampon in. And then she just shouted at the top of her lungs. I was like, mommy, what are you hiding in your mini? And I was like, fuck off, no. the wrong country for this okay like what you think of mommy's hands and then i'm never gonna get it out i was like oh my god like ah never mind the the bun smugglers the mini smuggler

I was like, oh God, no. It's quite a zero tolerance stance to drug smuggling in Dubai, sweetheart. No, it was just a tampon that's gone on there. But yeah, I mean, it is awkward taking your kids into toilets. well she's a little foghorn of the north yeah she um quite often will be like oh what's that smell like as i go into the toilet but like it's just general toilet smell it's not me and she will go are you having a poo and i'm like no it's a no

It's a wee. It's just a wee. It's just a number one. We're so funny, aren't we? How we're like, it's like, it's human nature, but we're such a funny, immature. We're prudish over a boot.

you go on holiday you are surrounded certainly like I was in a resort and it was surrounded by people similar age what have you and the women no fuss about wearing a bikini now if you ask that same woman

to go out in your underwear in this country or even just wear something slightly like you'd never see them wearing a crop top. Is that because we in the UK are just massive fucking horrible... dickheads and nobody has the confidence to be body confident or is it just because when you go on holiday you're in a different mindset and you just don't care as much what is it um I think it's because it never gets above 12 degrees in the UK

We'd have no real need to walk around in a bikini. What do you mean? No, I mean, but I know. Just go to Tesco in your bikini. You know, you wouldn't, you know, it's just, it's different, isn't it? No, but I'm not, I'm not necessarily talking about the heat element. I'm talking about the fact that.

you know, people will quite happily walk around in... minimal clothing and be let's say body confident on holiday right like I just think you just give less fucks and this is what I always think about people who decide to get like bikini body ready or they diet before they go on holiday because I'm like the minute that you actually step foot around this you don't care and you see everybody of all people of different shapes and sizes around the swimming pool and you just go

Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I'll just have a plate of chips and some ruffles for lunch. But also, you know, it's the environment that you're in, isn't it? Like if I was on holiday, I would be in a bikini or swimming costume around the pool or on the beach. But if I was... stand up and walk around I'd put a cup I'd put like a cover-up on yeah I wouldn't I wouldn't just prance around in my bikini I would you know I would nip down to the you know to the little or wherever and I would

I'd wear something. I wouldn't just walk around in my bikini or swim costume. I was literally on the beach, around the pool. Fine. I just found it fascinating because I was like, you know, here we all are pretty much naked.

Yeah, as a concept, it is weird. It is weird. Meeting people for the first time, making holiday friends, standing there in your pants and your bra, like a weird fever dream nightmare. Yeah, but then wouldn't wear a pair of shorts. Some people wouldn't even... wear a pair of shorts in this country do you know i mean so i think we should all just get naked but not in tesco not in tesco just as a caveat to that or like

On the school pickup, anywhere near children, I would say also don't stroll up in your bikini to the school gates, I would say. I think that that's frowned upon also.

Maybe. Yeah. But then what's the difference to the school gates and being around the kids' pool in holiday? Laws. Fair. So there we go. Another episode of the Dine Detested podcast done for this week.

This is the back-to-back. We've finally lost the plot, haven't we? Oh, God. Yeah, we have. If you have enjoyed what you have listened to, we're going to be back on Thursday with a little snacket. Also, if you would... like to send in your parenting fails or tales and please do so by sending us a little dm and that's for our thursday episodes now that we're going to be doing all of that there and we are on the prowl um i don't know why i did that

Well, maybe you've lost the plot. I think I've just got, I'm really hungry and I've not had enough caffeine today. We're on the hunt. We're on the hunt for some stories. from when you were young, but summer holiday related. And if you send it in and we're going to read it out, like if we think it's good enough, if it tickles our funny bones, you could win yourself a cheeky 50 quid voucher from Photobox. That's nice, isn't it? So do send them in.

Slide into our DMs and we will be there ready and waiting, like in between other things in our lives. Like we're not just constantly just sat there waiting at some point. I'll have to put some fish fingers in the oven for the kids. But you get the drift. And what else, Luce? Read the episode description and you can find out more. Oh, there we go. There's Lucy's always there just with the proper decencies and information. I'm just here having a waffle. Hit the jingle.