George Lewis: Penis Snips and Monkey Whips

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and handovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

and welcome to another episode of the Tired and Tested podcast with me, Sophie McCartney. And I mean, we do have Lucy with the Fringe this week, but I don't mean to do you dirty here, but we do have a guest. So you just put yourself in the corner for now. I will.

pipe down and let me give my guest a little bit of an intro our guest sorry that just sounded very possessive didn't it our guest let's give our guest a lovely intro okay we are talking to a stand-up comedian whose instagram sketches have been viewed

hundreds, bloody hell mate, hundreds of millions of times. He's also written a book about parenting called Don't Panic, All the Things the Expectant Dad Needs to Know. He is a podcasting triple threat now, I do believe. And because I have his telephone number i've kind of claimed him as my friend and he can now never officially escape me without a lot of life admin it's the one and the only george lewis hey george hey nice to be here

Well, thanks for coming along. I mean, you know, you probably didn't have much choice in the matter because I would have tracked you down and found you and made you come on at one point or another. And sorry, Luce, like obviously you are very important and integral to the podcast as well. But we do like to get a guest on, don't we? We do. George, do you know what you've let yourself in for, more importantly?

I'm getting a gauge, you know, over the slides. I mean, the listener won't know, but we've done about 15 minutes so far already, haven't we? We have. We have. This is true. This is true. I mean, because also, Luce and I, as you will also come...

to realize about all this are proper pro podcasters um and you know we have all the technical stuff 100% down so you're in you're in very safe hands George is what I will say this evening um now also George I just thought I'd let you know this is actually what I look like without makeup on every time you see me

I have got like a full face of makeup on. I've got all the lashes on. I'm proper glammed. I've got shoulder pubes attached to my outfit. I'm about to go on stage because George has opened. I was so lucky that you even agreed to do this. I didn't think that you were going to say yes to this, but I...

I slid into George's DMs and I was like, hey, babes, do you fancy opening a few shows for me? I didn't think that he would come and say yes, but you did say yes. And you've come and you've opened a few of my shows. And we've had a ball. So much fun. but yeah I don't look like that in real life this is what I look like George so hi well usually yeah I'll arrive at the point where yeah Sophie's in the mirror and

You know, bright. I mean, I don't know the words to describe a woman's makeup in the right way, but she's got... a lot going on I think it's good it's good that you pointed that out Soph because when he did come on he did actually go yeah where am I who is this George walks in George walks into the dressing room and um and

The first thing that I say above, hi, George, before I stand up and give him a hug, is I go, it's a process. Because generally he's entered the room kind of like the drag queen application stage. of the eye makeup and then from there it has to be toned down a little bit but it is a process and generally

Always comes out the other end, you know, just looking fine. I love the process. Yeah, it has to happen. I don't know, maybe one day I am actually going to turn up and do a show how people actually expect me to look, which is with my greasy mum bun. And no makeup on. And today you've got puffy eyes because I've just been for some salmon sperm injected in my eyes. Right, you're going to have to tell me.

So the listeners will know. Yes, the listeners will know. So this is a backstory. So this is my second round of a fish jizzling in my face. It's not an in-joke, George. It's real. It's not an in-joke. It's not an in-joke. This is the thing.

So about two hours ago, I paid a lady to stick needles underneath my eyes and inject my under eye area with the DNA extracted from salmon sperm. And this is going to make me... look 12 and get rid of my big oldie big shop eye bags so this is what's happened so I'm really puffy no not at all not at all you ever thought about maybe injecting the semen of a creature into your face

Ever crossed your mind? Well, I'm glad that you're telling me what this is because at the moment you started speaking, I thought to myself, oh yeah, I quickly, I looked on your Instagram story earlier. But I didn't have the sound on because I was watching Married at First Sight. So I saw that it looked like you had a bruising under your eye. You were showing something anyway. And I thought, oh. Yeah.

Better check what that is before the podcast in case it's like something terrible. I didn't for one second think it was going to be. You say fish cheers, was it? Fish cheers, fish cheers. So Steve's raging about this because he's like, listen. I will jizz on your face. Let's cut out the middle fish here. It's just going to cost us both less money. What are your thoughts, George, on sort of cosmetic procedures? Like if your wife was to come home and be like...

Like, I've just had sandwiches inserted into my face. What are your thoughts? Are you kind of the kind of husband that likes your wife to embrace their natural beauty and age gracefully? Or like Sophie and...

Let's be honest, I'm going to go there aging disgracefully and streaming into the night. No one's taken me quietly. So I have thought about this a bit. And I don't have too much of a strong opinion on it. Basically, I love my wife looking the way that she looks and I want her to look like herself. So I would not like it if she did something to make her look like somebody else because I love the way she looks now. But like...

I don't have any problem really with people having cosmetic surgery. I think a few years ago I would have thought to myself, why does anyone need to do that? Why don't you just let yourself? But then when you start. growing older yourself, you sort of, you look sometimes in the mirror and you say, oh God, if someone said to me, you know, tomorrow I can get rid of that from those wrinkles from you.

All it takes, a little bit of pain, a little bit of semen from an amphibian or whatever, and it's gone. I'd be like, well, I can see why that's hard to resist. And if it makes people feel better, yeah, whatever. Well, this is where I'm at. And Steve had said to me, he's kind of the same opinion of you. He's just like, do you know what? Like, you know.

I love the way that you look. Why would you want to change anything about yourself? But then I'm like, well, I don't particularly love certain areas of myself. And so he'd been a little bit resistant to the idea of me going and getting a few tweakments we'll go with. Ever since I've had it done, right? I keep waking up in the morning and he's looked at me and he says things like, forehead looks great.

Now, when you've been married for 15 years, right, and you compliment a few and far between, you wake up in the morning and your husband is looking at you seductively and says, your forehead looks great. For me, that's a blowie, isn't it? It's the hottest thing I've ever heard. It's the hottest thing.

And now he does, because I just keep getting little side eyes from him. And he's like, gives me a little wink to say, fucking hell, those crow's feet, babe, are banging. So he's come around to the idea. But yeah, he would just, he's annoyed about. that the fish are having a better time on my face than he is at the moment. Have you explained to him that you don't wank the fish off?

I mean, imagine. I mean, we have talked about this before, but what a job that would be. Hi, dear. How was your day at work? Oh, well, my index finger and my thumb are really sore. Who found out that this... I don't know. So I know how they found out about Botox because I'd researched this. So they were using Botox for medical, for other medical things to do. I think it was like migraines or something.

Yes, sweating. Sweating armpits. They do do it for sweating, to stop me sweating. But what they'd found, and it was tested on animals, it was tested on monkeys. And what they found was when they had injected the monkeys. They just look hot as fuck. basically basically so the forehead fannies of the monkeys disappeared and they were like fucking hell yeah it's a monkey some scientist just winked at the monkey god your forehead looks great Botox was born

So there we go. So yes, it did come from, you know, and that is frowned upon. Well, it's not frowned upon because the monkey's gone frowned upon. It's not frowned anymore. But the salmon sperm, the salmon spunk. The salmon spunk. Yes, I don't know. I don't know. But Jennifer Aniston uses it. Maybe Jennifer Aniston. Maybe Jennifer Aniston went and wanked off all the fish and thought.

and then went oh my god my face looks great so i don't know i don't know we'll look into that i mean i probably should have done more research into it before i went sure fire it in but um yeah

Anyway, moving swiftly on. Are you still on halftime holidays, George? You still got all the time? No. George has come back. Yeah, ours were like, for some reason, we've accidentally moved into this area where all our holidays are like a week earlier. So, yeah, they went back in. This week. So the first week's brilliant because you go everywhere cheap and there's no other kids there. And then this week is wow.

yeah and you I'm I am a little bit jealous I'm a little bit jealous I mean today for example the highlight of my day today so we are we're still in the throes of it ours don't go back until next Monday but the highlight of my day was paying a woman to stick needles in my eyes

just to give you a gauge of where I'm at with the school holidays. And like, I love the kids. Obviously I love them so much, but I just, it gives me, because it's rained every single day, hasn't it? It's right. It's just been. pissing it down it just gives me lockdown 2020 vibes of being trapped in the house and not being able to go anywhere and remind me what are the what how you've got three kids haven't you how old are your three they are uh

You can literally see the cogs like, fuck! It's because there's loads of birthdays knocking about at the moment with the kids. Five, four and one. There we go. He's put a good stagger in there. Hang on. From a mathematics perspective here, five and four. So hang on. Was it like a boom, boom?

um you know when so if you know when the um when the midwife comes around when you've got a brand new baby at home and she comes around and she goes now you've got to remember you're very fertile make sure you use contraception and most women are like never gonna happen not having sex ever again hang on did you go for it did you did you were you just like let's crack on

Not exactly that. So there's 14 months difference. Okay, so it wasn't quoted back in the street in the saddle situation.

But what had happened was, so when we started trying for the first, and I mean, I'm ashamed to say this, this is the first time I ever really... understood how it all worked and then when you start trying it's like oh well actually it's quite rare in the month that you can get pregnant you know and i'm like i never understood that um so then we'd started using natural cycles you know that

Do you know that? Like the fertility app. Yeah. Well, George, we'll come back to this, but just to interrupt quickly, that's how I felt pregnant with Nate. Carry on. Well, yeah. Apparently it's like 99.9% reliable. Brilliant. This is brilliant. And I was like, why does everyone just use this? But they don't... allow for human error and i think that's where we we stopped i think or well i think we stopped putting the

the right information in. We stopped really looking at it. It wasn't loading. It's like, I'm pretty sure it was a green day. Yeah, this is exactly what happened to us, George, because we had done it religiously for like two years and have been absolutely fine. You said Nate. We're talking Jack. No, I said this is how we're talking. Oh, I said Nate. I said this is how I fell pregnant with Nate. But you weren't planning with Nate, were you?

Exactly. So natural cycles. We're looking to go outside of the cycle. You were doing it outside of the cycle. Yeah, so natural cycles. Oh, yeah, because you can use it two ways, can't you? You can use it two ways, God. contraception or you use it as planning and so we were using it as contraception to know the days that you are not meant to have sex yes

But what we, which maybe is what you did, George, was that we had done it for like two years. And then I was like, well, I roughly know that my cycle is 32 days. So I'm going to work out. Pressing on that app with my thumb. Exactly.

putting the thermometer in my mouth every morning just to double check my basal temperature and input it into an app i'm just gonna let you know let god decide and yeah that's so that's what happened to us yeah so you know i'm sure that the app i'm sure that it is 99.9 accurate and yeah if you do it properly were you using it as a contraception or as you were using it as a as all right so you we weren't we didn't we we did want more kids but not yet

And then we decided we were only going to have two then. And then we were surprised again. One last surprise. And that's it now. Had the snip. Now, just, I don't think Lucy would've seen this, but can you share, so you'd put a picture on your Instagram that cracked me up and it was the name of the centre, was it the name of the centre where you'd gone?

For your vasectomy. The name is the Lance Byrne Centre. And I was like, what? This has got to be a fucking joke. Like, when I got the letter, I was like... Someone's got some NHS-headed paper, Aaron. Like, I mean, surely not. Like, call it anything else or just don't do them there. Yeah, just move it. Take it off-site somewhere behind the bins.

Yeah. And then I knew where this place was because it's in, you'll know where Salford is, don't you? Yeah. And I was like, I knew where it was and I told, my sister used to live in Salford and I told her about it and she was like, oh, I didn't think that place was open. That's like, it looks like an abandoned building and it's on the field where the bloke walks his lizard every day. And I was like, what the fuck?

And then I told my nana about it because she works at Salford Royal. And she loves it. I mean, she's been dying for me to get a vasectomy for years. So I eventually told her where it was, and she was like, oh, no, they don't do it in there. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I didn't know this place. And she went, I don't suppose it's clean in this place.

So I'm turning up to this place and it does look, it looks bad from the outside. But when you get there, it was lovely, you know. It was lovely. I had a great day out. Thank you, NHS. You think this might be where they do the salmon wanking as well? Is it that kind of, you know, it keeps it all in kind of one area in Salford. And also, is the man who walks his lizard outside just like, you know... Is that a double entendre for something else? Maybe. I was going to say, I feel.

bad for blokes getting vasectomies um but then I've had three children so I don't mean that I don't mean that but it does feel to be a little bit easier for you guys to have vasectomies um because well I mean I'll tell you so when I went for

my consultant appointment I was pregnant with Nate so because he was being going to be a c-section I went under a consultant and I get in there and they're running through all these questions and because they could see it was my third child

they suddenly started asking me a few different questions than what I was expecting. And it was pretty much along the lines of, while we're in there, do you want us to tie your tubes up for you? And it would not have been something that I had... even thought about and in that moment I suddenly started panicking I was like don't you take away my choices this man that was so suddenly it goes quite dark with the consultant and he says to me um now

If something were to happen to your other children who are living, would you be happy with that? I was like, sorry, what? exactly it was very menacing but what he was trying to get to was if we tie your tubes and your children die um it's going to be really difficult for you to then fall pregnant afterwards so you need to decide now

and signed this form to say that you're going to be fine with all of that. I was like, no, thank you. No, not today. And because I was however many months pregnant, I then just cried probably for 12 hours afterwards about the thought that my other children were going to die. So I'd said no to this.

had said no to having my tubes tied right and then when I went in because I went into early labor with Nate and I was in the triage unit um they said oh I believe you're getting your tubes tied or however the medical term for that was I was like no I said a big no to that. And she went, oh, I crossed something out on my notes.

and then I went off wow okay and then I went in to have my section and I was laying on the bed and they run through you they're like and they go right Sophie um can you just confirm your name date of birth can you tell me why you're here today just to make sure that I was wasn't tapped giant pregnancy bump but I was like I think you're taking out my baby and they went right and and we are going to be doing the tube time procedure I was like no

I was like, well, everybody, please stop trying to take away my choices. So, I mean, and then the guy turned around to me, the operating assistant, and went, well, this is why we asked the question, eh?

god so yeah but apparently it's really hard to come back from having your tubes tied if you change your mind i think a vasectomy is more easy to reverse but apparently once your tubes are snips that is a whole world of problems with the vasectomy can you can like we call it the snip right which makes me think that they go in your eye of your penis and then they cut something right and I'm sure that 99% of the people listening are like that's what I thought

Do you think that 99% of the people think that that is how you do that particular medical? That feels like you're going the long way around there. Why is it called the SNCC? Do you know? Well, they are snippet, but they don't, I mean, their routine is more direct. It's your balls that you're going in. But what do they snip? What do they snip? Because how do you verse it? Well, George, I'm gone. Well, I mean, to be honest...

Somebody has done this to your body. Do you know what the procedure was? I purposely didn't want to know before it happened any details about what they did because I just thought I'm going to throw up if I know what they're doing. they're doing it. I have Google imaged this because when I wanted a third baby and Steve wasn't quite on board, I didn't trick him, honestly. He was saying he wanted to get a vasectomy.

My mode of attack here was to Google image pictures of vasectomies and send them to him while he was at work. This is what you want? And then send a picture of a really cute baby and be like, which one do you want? Which one do you want? It basically not. So, I mean... what my google search history must have kicked up that week but um it's just a nice little pair of balls and then a little incision in one and then almost like a pair of tweezer scissors i would say had hooked out

like a little white tube that looked a bit like a maggot. Sorry, George, if you're getting PTSD right now. And then they just snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, and then they started together. So what were they sniping? think and i could be mistaken that it is basically the exit route for the sperm i think i think it is what stops them from joining the the tunnel out yeah the freedom so then they can sort back in

Yes, they can just reconnect. They can reconnect it. Well, that's what they say is one of the dangers, that it sometimes, in very rare instances, it reconnects itself. So that's why even after... wow i know so even after so you've got to have the vasectomy you've got to wait three months uh before you can like do you not have to do like is this true that you have to do like a number of wanks a day to get you yeah yeah yeah

So, well, so what they told me, I might even send this to you. So, oh, maybe I didn't. Maybe it was to a male friend. Maybe it was one of your other female friends. But I went in and then as it sort of finished up, then you go in for like the, I don't know, the exit. meeting or whatever with the lady just to make sure you're alright. The discharge. Yeah, that's it. That's not a word we want to... So, and then she's telling me what we've got to do and she's going, oh, I'll give you this.

uh sample pot and then she showed me a date on that she said so for this date i need you to send a sample back and i'd read the date and to me it i thought okay that's two weeks away okay um And then she said, before then, you need to have ejaculated 20 times. And I was like, whoa, that's... You're offering to help?

They say as well, don't do anything for the first week or so. So I'm like, that's going to be a pretty full on week. Yeah, I'm not going to be able to get anything else done. But then... As I went away, I reread it. I'd read it wrong. It's like, it's three months. So I'm still in the period now between having it done and the sending off the sample. So it's three months, but they say you've got a...

have ejaculated like 20 times or something. It's like you're draining the tank. Well, just to, just to, well, they say, yeah, there's still be, might be some of the, some of the sperm knocking about and they, still keen to i i feel really sorry for those sperm like jack and your sperm are in there being like where's everybody else gone? Why has nobody else joined us? Where's Dave? Have you seen Dave recently? He just said he was popping out to go down the tunnel and nobody's seen him since.

They're just losing their minds inside your throat. It's just echoing. Yeah, it's stuck in a cave. They're like those kids that got stuck in that cave in Thailand. The football team. The football team. Just waiting for some divers to come and rescue her. One's going at one at a time. They've been knocked out with ketamine and off they part.

Oh, yeah, of course. But I have another question. So, like, obviously, once you've had the snip, where does all the sperm go? Because, you know, like, you talk about how... Like, I don't know if this is an actual thing, but, oh, my God, that guy hasn't had a wank for so long he got blue balls. Like, where does it... Do they just not reproduce? Or what happens? So you still ejaculate. So all of the...

It's not like you're going to explode. You still get the discharge. Oh, we don't call it that. What do you call it? The seminal fluid. I believe is what we call it. Please. Thank you for our very serious, correct podcast. Sorry, Mrs. McCartney. So, yeah, where are the sperms then? But the sperm just aren't there. So, yeah, I mean. They get reabsorbed, I think. I don't know why I seem to know. Yeah, I think that they get reabsorbed.

It's quite heartbreaking, this, isn't it? Now you've sort of given them little personalities now, Sophie. I know. Well, welcome to my world every time I have a period, right? Because I mourn. Every time I'm a period, I'm more on a baby than it could have been. And speaking of which, my son said to me the other day, we were just sat at the table. And you know, like when kids just say something completely left field and I just, I didn't see it coming. We were all eating our spag bowl. I just went.

mom because he doesn't call me mommy anymore he refuses he's like mom i went you know those things in the bathroom i was like he said those those bits of cotton wool that you keep by under the sink i went he went just shove them in your knickers I went, oh. I was like, I went, yes. And he was like, why? And at this point, right, I thought, well, do you know what?

lads need to know and he did to be fair miss his puberty chat at school so I decided that there over spag bol was going to be the time to do it so I was dead breezy because I thought you know I'm not make a big scene about it This is, these are the facts of life. I do have a nasty habit of over-explaining things to my children. So, and I did, I was just like, right, you know, moms have eggs, dads have sperms. Occasionally they get together, depending on how much alcohol has been consumed.

How good mum's foreheads look in that day, whatever, you know. Exactly. Where the dad's sperms have been reabsorbed back into his body. I don't know. And if they don't come together, then that egg that should have been a baby, well, my body doesn't need it anymore. So it just comes out of me with a bit of blood as we're rolling in our spag bol. Oh, my God. We should talk to your mom.

Family time. My daughter's gagging at the other end of the island because she's eight, but she'd had to have this conversation from me at the airport toilets in Dubai because we got off the plane and my period had started and she'd wanted to go to the toilet and I wasn't going to let her go. You know what it's like when you get to a foreign airport and you don't let them out your sight, do you? So I'd made them come in the cubicle with me and then was like, oh no.

So I'm there. I'm there trying to sort myself out. And she shouted, we call her Foghorn of the North. And she shouted so loudly, Mommy, what are you putting inside of your... And now of all the airports, I mean, I felt that Dubai might... Arrested. Immediately for smuggling something inside of my vagina. So she had to have the puberty chat in a cubicle in Dubai.

airport because that was just the time for for that for that to happen and so she she walked in a small child walked out absolutely broken so yeah she already knew the story so she was sat just being reminded of this just eat this bag at the end of the table and go, can we please stop talking about this? You know, it's good to normalize, isn't it? How was your son again? So he's just turned 11. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. He needs to know.

He needs to know. And apparently, so he did miss the puberty chat at school, but apparently when they talked about girls' periods, they took the girls into a different room and talked about it. Now, I don't know how... They did that with us.

Yeah, I think that they should probably just lump everybody in together because boys need to know, don't they? But he does know about sex because he then very quickly moved on to saying, because obviously I've mentioned the fact about the sperm and the eggs and I just opened a gateway. And so he went, mum. So you and dad had, you know what? And he talks about sex like it's Lord Voldemort. You and dad had sex. Well, you know what?

three times well yes I did that was it that is all but it's hard isn't it I feel dead awkward I guess you haven't had to do that yet George I mean yours is still quite little and innocent that they've you've not had any of those difficult questions broached yet

No, today he's been asking us all about what being dead is. And how did you explain that one, Dad? Any advice for our listeners? I think you can... hit them straight when they're that age. Nothing is that shocking.

So we're just like, oh, this is really sad. But they've just, you know, they've gone away and that's it. They've gone away forever. But probably, you know, somewhere nicer. Be quite vague about the religious stuff. You know, I don't know which religion they're going to choose, if any. So they can. I'll leave.

it open but um i think they take things pretty well when they're that young i think it's when they start getting teenage years when you really you start worrying about things yeah i just remember us just really not being asked and steve's grandma died when they were so evelyn must have been about

three and jack must have been about six and they absolutely loved it we called her gg absolutely loved her and um i was thinking oh my god how are we going to break this to them that gg's died it's going to be so traumatic for them and we sat them down and we were in our playroom

And Evelyn was just kind of just busying herself on the floor. Jack had been playing Lego. I mean, we've got some really, really sad news for you. Unfortunately, Gigi has died. And Jack just turned around me and went, oh.

can I play my Lego again now? And we were like, oh my God, fine. And then Evelyn just chirped up. And this is really quite unfortunate timing because the day before we'd been out on the road and I'd seen a dead pigeon and she'd been like, mommy, what is that? And I said, oh, well, the pigeons died and the pigeons gone.

to pigeon heaven. So not as vague on the religious things. So when we've broken the news about Gigi, Jack's asked to play Lego and Evelyn just went, it's fine. She's in heaven with the pigeon. And then just carried on what she was doing. And I was like, oh my God. and then that was it and then they didn't mention it for a few days afterwards they were just completely stone cold and that sent me into a complete downward spiral of thinking if I die tomorrow

Nobody would give a shit. Nobody. They'd be playing Lego and talking about mummy as if she's up there with the rats with wings. Can we have a bit of trauma, please? Exactly. I was like, I wanted tears. I wanted somebody like... on the floor wailing and going why Gigi why but it just it didn't happen so yeah I just think at that age they're just not bothered not bothered at all maybe I'll bring up periods tomorrow you're tackling all the hard issues while we're receptive oh god

We've got a little new feature, George, from what we normally do on the podcast. It's called What's in Sophie's Dusty Box? And this stems from me getting one or two. Not great DMs that have slid in. It's the other folder, isn't it? It's the all requests folder. And there lay dragons in the all requests folder. So I've had a few clangers of late. But I have to say, this week hasn't been... as bad for

you know particularly offensive dms um i've had a lot of people because um nate has had an eczema flare up and i've spoken about the fact he's had an eczema flare so i've had a lot of a lot of advice that i did ask for and then a lot of unsolicited advice so i've had A few DMs of people who think that I don't have a brain and are telling me. Sorry about that. No offense, hon, but you are.

thick as two short planks and and people who are accusing me of not being able to put a bandage on properly that's that's the other thing a lot of condescending lecturing messages about that so that's probably been the worst that's been in the dusty box this week

Generally speaking, everything's been quite nice. But I wonder, George, have you ever or what is your worst ever DM that has ever come into your inbox? You're so nice and lovely. I can't imagine that anybody's got anything mean to say about you. I do hear some of the things people get. I think I do get off quite lightly. I think being a bloke, you just get a lot less as well, don't you? Because you don't have blokes.

messaging you i mean that's probably the weirdest stuff if it is a bloke messaging me yeah so you don't get a bloke asking whether you're wearing big pants or a thong Well, you will after this, maybe, now under the seat. It's not, yeah, it's not that. Well, no, in fact, it's not bitchy blokes. It's, yeah, if it's a sexy thing, it's a bloke.

That's a sexy thing. That's like I'm saying I find it sexy. Have you ever had a sexy DM? Yeah, but they would mainly come from blokes. There was one recently that asked if I could go around this so he could draw me. Like one of his French girls? Yeah. Yes. Oh, my God. But he was nice when I met him. He was lovely when I met him. I wonder if it's the same one, Soph. I wonder if it's the Mergery one. Maybe. I had a quick look on his profile and it was all like charcoal drawings of naked blokes.

Maybe this is quite like a bougie thing. Maybe he could have done a drawing of you and it's worth an absolute fortune. Maybe it was Banksy, Wanksy. I don't know. But you could have missed out there. You could have finished. you could have been in you could have been in like a hall of fame somewhere and I had I had a bloke once who was dressed as an airline pilot and I questioned, to be honest, his credentials. And he asked me whether I would like to star in one of his special films that he made.

Lovely. I know. I sent it to you, didn't I, Luce? And he was like, hi, Sophie. Just wondered whether you've ever liked to get into the acting world and would be interested in coming to star in one of my special productions. I was like, this is porn, Luce. isn't it? I was like, he wants me to come and be in his weird back garden porno studio. That's in his pilot's hat.

being really nice what should i reply should i should what if it what if it is like hollywood like this would be my moment yeah so yeah I mean generally that's probably been the worst ones along with I get the people who just tell me that my face looks weird or yeah they don't like the way that my body looks

So yeah, I wonder whether men just don't get that. So bad. It's just so offensive. I can't speak for other people what they get, but you never get anything like that. Never really. I can't remember a single. negative comment on appearance or parenting stuff, not even much. I imagine...

probably women get loads of comments on like what they should do as parents, what they shouldn't do. To be honest, I do loads of stuff on parenting. It's very rare that someone will say, you're doing it wrong. Maybe. The expectation levels aren't as high. And so everyone's just like, you did your best, mate. Just you do you. Right, George. I know, to be honest, that the tone has been...

Fairly low throughout the podcast. In the gutter, yeah. Yeah, but we were about to take it lower. We're going to Satan's gutter right now. So welcome, George, to Urban Dictionary Corner. is a segment where Lucy challenges me to decipher a phrase or a word from the urban dictionary because I like to think that I'm still young cool hip and down with the kids and their lingo so I try and work out what

Now, as you are our guest of honour today, we can both have a crack at this, but I'm going to let you go first and see where your mind goes to and to see whether you are as filthy as I am. Well, I'm very relevant and very... oh hang on one second one second my daughter's just walked into the room hello sweetheart Jack's thrown Nate's plastic bowl into your face and now you have... No, Nate's. Jack's got Nate's sock. His sock. And he's got one of his hard plastic toys.

That's a football hooligan technique. Let me see your lip. Is it okay? Oh my god! Oh, my God. Evelyn, where is Jack? Underneath the patio? What has Daddy done? Oh, my God. Where is Daddy? Where is Daddy? Right. Hi, Jack. Jack, what's happened? So there was a monkey in a snake. There was a monkey. The monkey just casually got inside of Nate's sock on its own accord.

And you've done what with the monkey in the sock? No, it wasn't you. You threw it at me. And then you threw it at me. And then I threw it at you. And then it hit your leg. Right. Have you seen the swelling on your sister's leg? Yeah. Some people pay good money for that. But that... is really bad okay did you apologize yes jack that was silly wasn't it it was silly right daddy's there this is now a lovely family gathering

To be fair, I could hear the screaming. Maybe that's why the police helicopter was out. George, what do you think?

A. George in the Jungle is. Okay. Right. So you've chosen me a special one. Cool. So just going into this, is it always a sex thing, yeah? No. Oh, right. It's not, no. No. The majority of the time it is, but it's not always. Don't let that steer you one way or another. Just the first thing that pops into your head. A George in the Jungle. I imagine it's when a completely waxed clean man is having sex with a woman who is not shaved.

And that's just, you know, first idea, just starting it off. So George goes into the jungle. Absolutely love that. Brilliant attempt. Sophie McCartney, over to you. Okay. So...

I don't know why my brain took me here, but you know, when I'm just thinking of the Disney film, which I imagine is not where that phrase was coming from, but he's swinging on the vines, isn't he? So... is a george in the jungle a really long skinny penis like that you can sway off all the pubes behind of the jungle and it's just like a little Oh, I hope it's not this.

Oh my. Can I give you the context and see if any of you get it from the context? Yeah, context is everything. So Josh and Kieran in 2018 said, fuck. George in the Jungle is back again. George in the Jungle is back again. Josh and Kieran. Do they often submit it as pairs? It's a joint application. Maybe they were watching Disney+, because there isn't a second George of the Jungle that Brendan Fraser is not in, and it's Gash. It's really shit. It'd be a bit of a letdown if that's what...

Whether all the cool kids are today sitting around on street corners having a vape going fucking hell. Tell you what's back again. George in the jungle. It was awful. Tell you what. Bring back Brendan Fraser any day of the week. Right, brace yourselves. Okay. George in the jungle is when you have a shit. And it gets stuck in your bum hole pubes. I mean, I feel like the clue was misleading there. Who are you speaking to? Who are you saying?

That too. Because that's a bummalteser, is it not? That's just a bummalteser. Maybe Josh was talking to Kieran about his George in the jungle. We don't know. But yeah, that's a George in the jungle. Can we do another one? Yeah, cool. Yep. Can we do one that's not George-based? No. Cool, cool. George Lewis, what do you think a George Clooney is? It's... I don't know. I can only think that's a compliment. I can only think it's a... I wouldn't go with that on Lucy's facial expression.

Could it be a really refreshing, rejuvenating shag? Like you've just had an espresso from an espresso machine and you go, whoa, I've just had a George Clooney. I love it. Yes. Yeah, it could be that. Yeah, like that. It could be. I mean, he's famously got grey hair. Is it – I mean, I feel like every – I don't know why every time I guess it's just a penis that's got – Go on.

Got grey hair. A penis with grey hair? Yeah. We need to delete this one. I feel like that is a better George Clooney, isn't it? Probably the one that's a Philip Schofield. Renamed. Recently renamed and reopened. A really handsome penis with grey pubes. Distinguished. Great features. Chiseled. Strong, strong. Okay, no, it's not. But what I will say is that it's based on something that George Clooney apparently did.

Oh, if it's something really dark and horrible, I don't think I want to know because I quite like George. I mean, I wanted to say that somebody did a knock and run with a poo on the doorstep, but I don't want to think that... Is that it? Is that it? And please do not tell me that George Clooney shat on someone's doorstep and then ran away. It's not quite, but you're very close. A George Clooney...

Apparently, years ago, George Clooney famously took a shit in the litter box of his friend, Richard Kind's cat. In a playful spin, a George Clooney is when you either literally or metaphorically leave a shit for somebody else to deal with. No, but when you drink that much coffee, I guess that it just goes straight through you. You have to go where you have to go.

So now it is time for a little bit of parenting tales slash parenting fails. Parenting tales slash parenting fails. That's the official theme tune, George. See what we did there? I love it. It reminds me of a different one. because I'm so imaginative with my with my theme tunes yes maybe moving swiftly on nothing to see here

Okay, so every week a listener will write in with a parenting tale or fail that has happened to them. And just levelling up here, we much prefer the fails than just the nice tales, to be honest. And they're generally the ones that we like to read out. at least what social services style fail do we have today right okay i'm gonna call this one working from home Hi Sophie and Lucy with the Fringe and George. She didn't know you were going to be here but...

I'm sure she would have said Angela. I'm a big fan of the podcast here. I especially love the parenting fail segment because it makes me feel like a normal parent, not a failing parent. So I have a good one for you, which happened to me just last week. I like it, but it's super relevant. I booked a hair appointment months ago, as you do at your previous appointment. The first fail was I didn't realise it was smack bang in the middle of the Easter holidays.

Cue me begging the kid's granny to drive two hours to look after our four-year-old and seven-year-old for a couple of hours. Thankfully, she understands a mother's priorities, the hair appointment. However... The day before my appointment, Granny came down with flu, so had to bail. That's okay, Mum, I completely understand. You get yourself better, I said through gritted teeth while internally cursing her. Someone's getting a George Clooney.

normally I would have just rearranged but I've got a weekend away with the girls for my birthday next week so I have I just have to have my hair done or the whole weekend will be completely ruined of course I asked my husband to please work from home. He's just started a new job and they are pretty chilled about working remotely so I knew it would be okay.

He reluctantly agreed, but only if I could take one of the kids with me to the hairdressers. So there was only one child at home whilst he was working. I thought, that's fine. He can have the feral four-year-old. There's no chance she'd sit still for two hours at the hairdressers. So here I was enjoying my pamper and a very just seven-year-old buzzing with an afternoon of iPad when I get the dreaded message from my husband saying...

She just walked in while I was on a Zoom meeting, holding her knickers, saying in the loudest ever voice, Daddy, can you peel this string off my knickers? She then walked up to me so she was in full view of the meeting, pulled her pants down and passed them to me, but naked. Oh no. Oh no. I have never lulled so hard, told the hairdresser and the seven-year-old, and we were all in stitches. I get home and my husband was fuming. To make it even more cringeworthy...

Later that evening, my husband received an email from his new boss that was sent to everyone in the meeting to recap what was discussed. It was signed off. may I remind you all that working from home is a privilege that we offer our employees however if we believe that your professional working time is compromised we will have to reassess this benefit

What? Ouch. So good. I had to share it. Thanks for the laughs. Please, please, please. Can I get my hands on an iconic mascara? Oh my gosh. I mean. there's a lot to unpick there but imagine How angry you'd be if you worked in an office and all your working from home privileges were taken away because some kid flashed their fanny on one of your colleague Zoom calls. You'd be like, fuck's sake, Dave. Every time. Every time.

It's you doing that. I just assumed it's fine, isn't it? Isn't that like... I mean, I think it's frowned upon, George. And I worked in an office for a while. I've been out of the game for a while. Full frontal nudity from young children is not something that we suggest people. I mean, I don't really want to talk. I mean, probably this would happen to me and Evelyn would walk in butt naked talking about Jack and a monkey in a sock. I went horribly wrong from there on in.

Yeah, I mean, I imagine a safeguarding issue, isn't there? Probably. She's not going to be happy about that when she's a grown-up, is she? You meet some of your parents, mate, and they're like, oh, I used to work with your dad. Oh, I recognize you. I recognize you now. Just don't recognize you with your pants on. There's questions there, isn't there?

To me, the only person at fault in this is the boss. It's been done very politically in a sense of not naming the husband. I think it's been done... Cowardly. I think he's not wanted to have it out face to face. He's done it in front of everyone, thus humiliating this new fella and ruining the relaxing haircut, you know, indirectly.

True. Retrospectively. True. I think if you're going to let people work at home, it's the Easter holidays. There are kids there. Get your fannies out. Yeah. God gave his only son. So that everyone can get their fannies out. And that is just... We're all grown-ups, aren't we? Come on. Apart from the small children flashing their bits. Yeah, yeah.

there we go another episode of the tired and tested podcast wrapped for this week thank you so much george for coming on i hope that we haven't absolutely traumatized you and that you will be able to get to sleep this evening it's been lovely it's been eye-opening um yeah it's been lovely thank you

You are on tour. So, well, you're not right this minute, but you're going off in September through till November, I believe, with some extra dates coming in the spring. You're a busy, busy man. Yes. So buddy popular, you have to add more dates on. It's your fault that I'm doing this. I wasn't even going to do a tour. And Sophie was like, you've got to, you've got to do this. I was like, maybe I'll just do like one or two. Now there's like 40 dates. I know.

So, but you know, I'm taking responsibility for this, but in a good way, or either that, or George saw me on tour and thought, fucking hell, if she can do it, anybody can do it. I'm going on tour as well. Yeah, I knew that you'd bloody sell out within minutes. So if you can get a ticket, you can do so still. I think there's not many. This is why you're having to add more dates on, right? But if you go to georgelewiscomedian.com, then you've got all.

your dates on there and all your tickets and we'll also put a link below in the show notes as well so if anybody wants to go on and get the tickets for george's show you can do so there and of course you've got a podcast as well haven't you what day are your podcasts out oh yeah they come out on monday morning it's called save it for the podcast Save it for the podcast. And that's, yeah, it's with me and another comedian, Jake Lambert. And we just, it's like this, but, you know. Less bad chat.

Let's talk about salmon jizzing on your face. I mean, you guys are missing out, but maybe this is your next topic of conversation. I think, George, you come with me next time I get done. We'll both go together. We'll do this. It's going to be a new bonding activity for us. Lovely.

If you have enjoyed this podcast, we will be back again next Monday. Of course, we have our snackette out on Thursday, which George will be joining us for also. If you would like to leave us a little review, you can do so here also. But again, nothing in the one, two, three starry. greetings for and above as a preference thanks so much and we will see you all again soon hit the jingle

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone. Over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this drive is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.