Flaccid Chips and Car-ride Blips

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of the Chad and Tessa podcast with me, Sophie McCartney, and I'm joined by Lucy with the Fridge in a vision. Of green knitwear today, Luz. An absolute vision. Very timely for St. Patrick's Day that was last week. It was actually, I think. Was it two weeks ago? Two weeks ago, yeah. That's where I am. You know me. So current. With a pair of us, I think, combined. Very current. Very on trend. Always knowing what.

what's going on everyone else can go first see how they get on and then i'll step up once it's once it starts to gain momentum yeah um i have to say that green is your color actually really suits you It's because I'm half Irish, isn't it? Oh, well, that's why. Yes, of course it is. Of course it is. I am sat here looking like I'm attending a funeral, actually, today. This is quite a sombre vibe from my end today, isn't it?

That is the word that I was thinking of. Yeah, I've got my black leggings, got my big black oversized jumper on. Got a little cheeky cold shoulder going on though, just on one side. Basically just looks like the seam came apart in the washing machine. That's pretty much it. Isn't it? And what are we mourning? I mean, always the loss of my youth just on a day to day, you know, always.

Just always something new comes along and I go, oh, fucking hell. I've got a really bad shoulder injury at the moment. I might have talked about this. I whinge about it a lot. So to be honest, I forget about who I've whinged about it most recently too. Could be you, could be our listeners. But yeah, it really hurts, right? And this is...

problem for me i'm just going to demonstrate right when i lift my can of diet coke up that hurts yeah shoulder impingement apparently according to steve i totally feel you because i've had a bad shoulder for a couple of years i had a little niggle and i just left it And then it got worse and worse. But now, we're always at an age where we go, what does the so-and-so say? And we say, what does the elephant say? And go, like, put our arms up as the trunk. And I'm like,

Can't get it higher. Can't get it higher than your chin. I know, it's bad, isn't it? And it clicks as well. Got a clicky shoulder. I mean, that's not good, is it? A clicky shoulder. Gross. Apparently, there is a thing called mother's shoulder. Oh really? Do you carry Nate on that side?

I do, but I keep it on my hip though. It could still be. It could all be linked, could be linked. I do think when I get to maybe 60, my spine is going to be properly on the wonk from just constantly... being bent over to the left. with him on my hip on the right and I just I could walk 25 miles I think with Nate just just sat on my on my hip bone just my hip cocked out to the side just yeah like come on

Off we go down the road. She's a mother. She's a cook. She's a taxi driver. And she's a table. And she's a table. She's everything. Maybe the hunchback of Notre Dame was just massively misunderstood. Maybe he'd just been carrying his kid around.

on his on his hip for a lifetime of misery and then just was like fuck off I'm bored of this I'm gonna go sit at the top of this cathedral walk yourself to school anyway um should we talk about our fun night out in London

We went out. Thank you, Mickey Flanagan, for forever making us think of that whenever anybody says that we went out. But we did. We went out. We did the show at Clapham Grand. And that was really good fun. Clapham Grand was... totally different to what I thought it was going to be and I've never been to the Clapham Grand because you can go to the Clapham Grand just for a rave can't you it's a club night but they also have seats in there as well for comedy events and songs and

things that happened there just something other things that happened there like songs that people sing and stuff um so it's a real kind of nightclub energy to the evening yeah and i what i thought was hilarious there were lots of people in

who used to go clubbing at the Clapham Grand back in the day. But now that they're a little bit older and were wearing shin-length leopard print dresses, they'd come to come and see me talk about mum's stuff instead. Oh, how the tables had turned. But anyway, we did that.

Did the gig. That was good fun. And then afterwards, oh, we went out. Now, where did we go? Because I actually can't remember where we went. We went to a bar, didn't we? We did. Blame Gloria. Blame Gloria. And I don't know who Gloria is or what she did, but apparently it was all her fault. Can you remember what we passed en route to Blame Gloria?

Well, Lucy, we passed quite a few things. Now, Clapham used to be, just backstory, everybody, Clapham was where Lucy used to live when she was down in London. It's where she met her now husband, Jez. And I seem to remember after the, oh, before the espresso martinis, Katie, I should say. you giving me a very long-winded and incredibly boring shop by coffee shop by bar by bus stop blow by blow description of your entire life in Clatham and how you met Jess

That was it. And I was like, wow, is this story still happening? Oh, there's that chicken shop that Jess and I used to go to. I was like, oh, how romantic. There's that B at 1 that I first met Jess in. Oh, there's the sexual health clinic. I went to when I needed to get the morning after pill

It was all going on. It was all going on. See that consultation booth in there? I went in there. That's where I went. And do you know what? The pharmacist, I didn't even have to say, I didn't even have to say I was there for the morning after pill. They just went, you're here for the morning after pill, aren't you? This was honestly a conversation that we had in Clapham.

It was the last time I lived. I felt like I was stepping back into my youth, to be fair. It was like a very strange episode of Horrible Histories. It was all going on.

but yes so we walked past where i met jet so we all came flooding back but then we were in lame gloria and we had a couple of friends come join but they were your friends i didn't know them don't associate me with these people they were lovely um but they they They were your crew and I could tell they were your crew because they were shit faced.

and what did you say to me you said oh my god your friends are such piss heads it makes you look sensible yeah you seemed like and that is saying something that you seemed like the sensible one out of your friend it was it was one of them don't know what her name was and she was talking incredibly closely to my face um one minute that she was saying something about the show and then the next minute she was talking about Shakira how her hips don't lie um and her tax evasion problems in Spain

I don't understand where we are or how we got here. But yeah, by the end of it, you know, we were setting up a GoFundMe for Shakira. I mean, I think she's probably fine. But it was a lot. It was a lot. And then God love the venue. They were so sweet. They were really... I think somebody must have had a word with them.

to say that I was there and just make her feel yeah you make her feel like she's a big deal everyone okay make her feel like she's a big deal because they came over and they let us have this special area didn't they and they brought us free champers slash prosecco It was definitely warm and it was definitely flat. Yeah. And we were in an area that said happy hen party as well. So I think the hen party didn't turn up. And they went, this lot will do. They could probably drink the same.

As a hen party. There we go. So yeah, we're in the little hen party area. We were the sloppy seconds. We were the sloppy seconds. We were also the oldest people in there by a 10-year stretch. By far. Now, I've been out a couple of times in Clapham, again, when I was younger, and it was mostly in Infernos. Gotta love Infernos. When we were 15 years younger.

Yes, yeah, we literally were 15 years. Yeah. I don't remember it feeling that young when we used to go out in Clapham, but it was so young. I don't know if people were there. for a really ironic night out because, to be fair, the music at Displaying Glorious was incredible. It's amazing, wasn't it? 90s.

bangers I mean at the point that the five mega mix came on you know that's when you know but it was in a really cool trendy bar wasn't it all the decor was funky there were funky lights you know the bar staff looked really funky and they're all the you know, 40-year-old mum squad were on the floor, slut-dropping, five bad boys with the power to rock you, blowing your mind, so you gotta get into five.

What are you waiting for? If you want a three, three, two, two, one. Pissed myself because I've overexerted with the dancing. That was what it was, wasn't it? Oh, it was tragic. It was tragic. It was so funny. But yeah, I used to, I remember when... I lived in Cotton Junction and there was always like we would say oh it's where the young professionals hang out and I remember going on a night out as like in my late 20s I was like yeah this is good because this is where like

the slightly older sort of men are. We're not around the youths. But... No, I walked in and I swear to God, when you go out Newcastle, yes, there's, it's all, because it's everywhere, everyone goes out in the same area. It's a real, it's a real mix. There's always some pervy weird dude called Dave in the corner, isn't there? You know, like you sweating a lot and shouldn't be there. And he told his wife he was just going out to play pool with his mates and has somehow ended up in Cozy Joes.

doing his best Britney hit me one more time karaoke. Yeah. So that's in Newcastle, you get the full sort of... spectrum of age don't you whereas there that's everybody's kind of and i could not believe how old i felt we were creepy dave in the corner oh my god we were creepy Oh, sweating. Sweating some of us have got paunches. Oh, God, now I feel thoroughly depressed. Oh, no.

It was also brilliant because where we were, we were kind of down this little corridor in this little room, sloppy seconds room. And people, these young kids kept coming in thinking this was the way to the toilets. They'd look around, see all of us and be like, where the fuck am I? I've just walked into parents' evening and then walked, where's the toilet? What a lovely 80th birthday celebration that's happening in this room. Somebody help that woman up off the floor.

But as well, like one of the girls, ladies, that was with us, she's got a really, really highly empowered job. Yeah, and we can't say what that is. But do you know what my favourite part was watching her? So in between the special little 80th birthday slash hen party room that we were in and the main part of the bar, there was a corridor which was mirrored on one side and on the other side had this...

like a picture wall of flowers that was backlit. If you were dancing against it, it was quite a good backdrop. But this sad friend, it was like a moth to the flame, wasn't it? She was trapped there. she was trapped and she couldn't leave the backlit wall in front of the mirror because she was just so transfixed. by what was happening and she was just like fuck the lighting is amazing the mirror is flattering I am in a Madonna music video go for it and there she was

And then every one of those 20 year olds who came in trying to find the toilet, she then accosted and had them dancing against her on the wall. We were, do you know when you were younger and you went out and you saw... moms or people of our age out and you're like fuck they're so tragic I'm never going to be like that we were those people

We were those people and that's soul destroying. And the mum dancing was another. But at one point I was stood and you'd been kind of captured by them. Pinned. Yeah. And there was about five of you lined up in this little. corridor of of joy you know in your little music video and honestly you you were all going for it I don't know what it is about that corridor I was forced to go into it I'd had two espresso martinis I was ready for bed

And one of your friends, it was very bendy to be fair. I mean, good for her. She must do like yoga or Pilates. takes her supplements um she was like Mr Tickle Arm dancing with me and like spinning me round it was yeah it was it was it was all I mean they were lovely lovely night out but it was a lot when I was a bit tired and crabby um but then

Where did we go after we went to blame Gloria's lease? Where did we go? Well, we walked out to go and get a taxi and then decided we would just sort of step over my friends who were bouncing off each other waiting for a taxi. Literally the two of them. I was like, I don't know who's taking control of this situation, but I just really hope they don't end up in that gut. Well, one of them, the one who had had the conversation with Shakira's tax issues.

me um when I said don't go in the ring don't go near the road there's cars and she looked at me down the end she went I'm harder than the road I went oh okay I don't think that you are It was brilliant. They were just bouncing off each other. But then we went, didn't we? We delved into the deepest, darkest pits of hell on a Saturday night that you could find yourself in in South London. And we went...

for the culinary delight that was a Mackie D's. Now I had flashbacks at least to actually 15 years ago. which would have been the last time that you and I went out in Clapham. And to us being in the McDonald's on Clapham Common next to Inferno's before going home. But we weren't the high street one, weren't we? And I tell you what, McDonald's.

in Clapham at one o'clock in the morning was a dark place to be. It was a dark, dark place to be. Again, we were the oldest people in McDonald's, which I feel that is the...

insult to injury isn't it when you're looking around at mackie g's at one point i got excited because i thought the security man might have been older than us and then i realized that he wasn't it wasn't i think he just had a hard life because he was the security man about donald's at one o'clock in the morning and that shit is going to aid you it is probably

worse than a children's soft play birthday party with a hangover okay it was it was it was a lot we had to wait a very long time for our nine chicken nuggets that that we had we went with chicken because we thought brad might approve of it because it was protein yeah

sadly the chips came with it so we didn't have a choice we had to take those as well because it was it was a meal deal and i was a bit disappointed by my chips actually and that's what i find the worst about mackies if you are going to do it and you know you you've committed to it afterwards you want to go

Oh yeah, that was worth it. But what I'm finding with the McDonald's chip at the moment, right? And this has happened quite a few times to me. Very below par on the chip game. Really average. Very soggy. Bit not cooked in the middle, not salted enough, just meh. Yeah, very flaccid, very flaccid. Yes. Right, McDonald's, up your chip game, please. All right, next time I'm drunk, I would like a much more erect and salty taste sensation in my mouth. Thank you very much. So, Easter.

Period is upon us. Full throes of Easter. And now this is a Monday. So we have had Easter Sunday already in our future world. And I am going to go out there and say that my Easter was lovely.

The children ate too much chocolate, slash I ate their eggs. I'm actually dead tight when it comes to the kids and Easter eggs. I'll get them loads, but I only allow them to have... like a mouthful of chocolate and then it has to go in the cupboard and then the kids keep their easter chocolate through till christmas they keep the halloween stuff through till easter i really make them yeah i'd like i let them have treats but they i would never let They don't have chocolate for breakfast.

i mean like that maybe a cocoa pop but they would i'd never say here's an easter egg for breakfast oh god no no no you gotta brush your teeth and start your day before you get start your day before you tuck in and i'd never let them sit down just eat an easter egg i know some people who

what a what a parenting prick I am I know some people who let their kids eat a whole easter egg for breakfast oh my god I wouldn't but no we just we just don't never have I was never allowed to do it as a kid I think and probably that's

the way that I've just followed suit in parenting you know it's ingrained yeah you can have a bit then goes back in the cupboard so I can eat it later when you've gone to bed and then blame daddy that is just that's the way we roll in our house do you always believe in Easter Bunny um I'm not sure like

I don't think that we've really we've never celebrated Easter as much as Christmas but I get just get really annoyed if if people give him lots of Easter eggs because I will eat them and I have got zero willpower so i'm like no same just refrain from giving him chocolate because we put them on top like we put them up high so he can't get them and then we forget about them

Well, don't forget about them, but we forget about them when he's around because we're busy. Yeah, and he's forgotten about them. And then he goes to bed and I'm like, oh, chocolate stash. Yeah, here we go. So like growing up for me, Easter wasn't a massive...

thing you know we didn't we didn't do the easter bunny we didn't believe in the easter bunny right just a little in case little ears are listening everybody we are going to be talking about the easter bunny and whether he or she may or may not exist in the sphere

of the revolving world so i really hope that you don't let your children listen to this podcast but just in case one happens to be hanging around right turn us off and come back to us later or kick it out um so easter bunny yeah we didn't believe it wasn't

a thing as i as i when i was a kid it wasn't you know like oh a magical bunny he just hops around the world and delivers eggs that just you know my mom and dad bought us an egg from tesco went on top of the piano you know we celebrated it but it wasn't

big thing we just had a nice lunch on a sunday and we got an egg and the neighbors gave us an egg and that was it and it was our kids and i don't really know how this has happened because it hasn't come from me they wholeheartedly believe in easter bunny Evelyn has got this whole backstory about Easter Bunny and her uncle to my sister's partner. He has somehow played into this. And at one point when she must be really, really little.

told her that when he was little, he saw the Easter bunny. And she's just clung on to this and has run with it. Absolutely cannot be convinced, right, otherwise about the existence of the Easter bunny. 100% believer of the bunny. Now, Jack is in the non-believing camp and this is mainly because we were outed a couple of years previous as being the Easter Bunny.

Now, I was a little bit cross about this at the time. So he had, again, he'd been a believer. He had been a believer. And I'd said to his parents, we're up for the weekend and we need to go out because we can't put the Easter eggs out overnight because we own Lily. right so if we hid easter eggs in the garden our beagle millicent would have sniffed every single one of those out and devoured it tinfoil and all just zero shits given until the brightly colored tinfoil easter egg was

chat out for hours later just doesn't care so we can't do that so we have to go out in the morning once we know the dog's been out how do we had a poo and then the kids can go out and then look for the easter eggs in the garden so we do a little easter egg hunt around the garden for them

And so I'd said to Steve's mum and dad, I was like, can you just keep the kids inside? And I'm going to run out. Steve and I are going to run out and put the eggs out in the garden. So we'd done this, elaborately placing them all around the garden, looked up at the window. Jack's just standing there staring at us.

out of the window like the creepy kid from the omen just eyeballing us i was like oh fuck okay right so that's that ruined came back into the house and we called him down just walked in and he was like it's you you're the easter bunny like proper hatred in his heart for us so okay you know we couldn't get out of it he'd seen us so we had to sit him down now at this point he's probably like seven maybe or so

And sat him down and we explained that, yes, that we were the Easter Bunny because think about it, sweetheart, right? How can a rabbit go all the way around the world? Doesn't even make sense. Rabbits don't even have eggs. In one night. But Father Christmas is 100% real. For the record. So we'd had this conversation with him and he was a little bit cross, but he was like, okay, fine. And so we said, but the most important thing here is darling, this sister loves Easter and she wholeheartedly.

believes in the Easter bunny. So you cannot ruin this, okay? You are now in the inner circle. You're in the grown-up inner circle of trust, right, that keeps this going for your sister. cannot tell her. Okay. So he's like, yes, yes, yes. She walks into the room. He turned around and went, Evelyn, do you know the Easter bunny isn't real? It's mommy and daddy. I was like, fuck's sake. Right. So then she's like, it's like bawling.

And then this is, I'm not proud of this. This is possibly my worst moment of parenting ever. Come on. What did you do? Oh God, is this a parenting fail? You're going to get an iconic London triple threat mascara. in order to save easter for evelyn who was like five okay and she loved it so much in order to protect easter Jack was sent to his room for lying. Oh, no. Did he get absolutely bollocked? He's like, what the fuck?

for essentially telling the truth and that we were the ones who were lying to our children but I was like Jack how could you tell such lies to your sister go to your room and think about what you've done oh god I did feel really bad about that did you have to take all of his easter eggs off him no I didn't he was he was allowed his easter eggs but

And then let's go up and talk to him afterwards. And I was like, listen, I did explain. I was like, okay. And when we had to say that in front of his sister, I was like, and I didn't use these exact words, but what a dick move. I was like, you know, you dick, what a... dick move we've just had this conversation with you to tell you not to say anything and you haven't even taken a breath and you've turned around and gone

It's mom and dad. But it was the fact that I had to send him to his room for telling the truth. I was like, oh God, what tangled webs of lies that we weave.

hey when it comes to easter so yeah i'm hoping for a less eventful um easter easter this year with less you know therapy bills for later life attributed to that one pivotal core childhood memory oh god well do you know what's happened today like that you know easter obviously easter crafts is like a biggie so um last year i don't know how i managed this but at nursery it was the easter bonnet competition and the easter parade for the bonnets and

um i don't know how because jess was away i was solo parenting but i somehow managed to just i was in that space of being super mother so i created this easter bonnet put all dinosaurs like just got the glue gun out and just how very eastery

Dinosaurs, a topic that the Bible believes in heavily. But... dinosaurs lay eggs they do they yeah well they did i mean there aren't any kicking about now john hammond well um but you know we went for a dinosaur themed bonnet and then um we got a little message on the app this week and it was like the easter bonnet competition is going to be on tuesday i was like yes

kid's not in next Tuesday anyway so last night he was like mommy um I need I need to do my Easter bonnet for tomorrow and I was like oh no I was like well you're not in aren't you so he's like yeah but they said I can still take it in I was like oh no anyway so this year he's gone in with a dinosaur-themed yistup on it that had been sat on the top of my fridge for 365 days. Yes! Waste not, what not. I bet you didn't remember it, did you? No.

No, couldn't remember it. And do you know, it is slightly different because there were some bits missing. There was some cobwebs. Nice coating of dust as well for extra authenticity. Exactly. Yes, an actual prehistoric relic that was taken in. Good job, you. And that'll be going back on the top of the fridge. Yes. For next year. When it's Bowie's turn. Exactly. It's going to be passed down generations. What's on your face? What's on your face?

It's another theme tune. It is, which I think is the same as my room with a view and parenting tale slash parenting. But you know, if it ain't broke, why fix it? It's very versatile as a tune. Talks update. Okay, so I'm now two weeks post-talks.

I love it look I can still move my eyebrows yeah eyebrows are still moving not one wrinkle is in sight and loose um when I went back because you have to have a little checkup two weeks after you've been to get it done just to make sure that everything is you know where it should be. You haven't got one eyebrow up at the top of your skull and one down by your chin. If you did, not much that you could do about it. No, just to go, oh, sorry. Or is it just to go, oh, did a good job.

Yeah, did a good job. And to see whether you need anything topping up if you needed anything else topping up. I was happy. I was all good. Didn't need anything topping up. But while I was there... i am and i knew that this would happen to me the botox would be such a gateway drug for me and people have said it's so addictive and this is the problem that once you see what you look like 10 better you're like i don't want to go back

I'm not going back, bitch. You can't make me. So I had injected under my eyes what we have been talking about for a little while on this show. I had the salmon spunk injected under my eyes. I shall have a fishy and a little fishy. I shall have a fishy when the boat comes in your face. I mean, I'm still really intrigued. Who wanks the salmon off? Who does wank all of those salmons? Imagine that's your job. I am key salmon wanker.

We'll start to have a really small finger to do it, just like a minute hand. Do you reckon? They might have a massive schlong. Remember, we've had a look. Oh, we did. We have Googled those. They might be the most well-endowed of the fishes. Who knows? Anyway, what a job. A fish fluffer. Anywho. So what's the crack with this then? What's the crack? What is the crack? So I can't really see it though.

tiny little raised bump that i've got on each cheek so it goes in quite low so i would say top of your cheekbones so these are polynucleotides so these are so it's not filler it's not botox it is a skin enhancer so it works with your own

and your own skin tissue to produce your collagen again so you hit like 25 or something and you start losing a percentage of collagen every year every year so your face gets all saggy and whatnot um so it replicates your own collagen and it starts creating it again.

So you naturally, well, slash not naturally because you have to have an injection to get it done, but you naturally start to fill out in places where your collagen is depleted. So under the eye area where you get an eye bag or you maybe get sallow under eyes or you get darker circles, it is meant to be...

absolute game changer for that but it's quite brutal it is quite brutal so i had to have a numbing agent under my eyes for it and then so jenna who's my aesthetic nurse um who does it for me she's like i'm not going to show you the needle

I'm not going to show you a needle until after it's done. She said, just close your eyes and you'll be fine. I went, okay. And then afterwards she showed it to me. It is, what's that, about an inch? Two inches? Two inches. I reckon that's a solid two inch, isn't it? Like a flexible straw, like a can. catheter cannula cannula i don't know it went in here on my cheekbone and then just went up into basically the corners of my eyes and then under the skin deposited the spunk

so then it absorbs into your tissue and then it gets going over time with the collagen so it's not anything that you see instantaneously so you have to have three doses of it so every two weeks you have to have it done again and then once you've had your third treatment you're then good i think that's a year or something so you know it's a Yeah. Yeah. So watch this fishy face for that.

I think this has led nicely on to a new feature that we've been thinking about. So we were thinking about potentially doing a bit of an ask you anything like you do on social media sometimes. So I thought each week we could just choose.

my dusty box a dm from your dusty inbox and let's just see what people have been saying this well i actually have a cracking one for you this week this this is off the back of me talking about my Botox last night um so you know the way that you see an Instagram story you can send an Instagram story to somebody or you can reply to an Instagram story so somebody had seen my story about the fact that I'd said I'd had Botox and I wanted to say very publicly that I have had Botox because

I don't believe in having stuff done and then pretending that you haven't had it done. Like I'm a near 40 year old woman who hasn't got a wrinkle on her forehead. Of course I've had fucking Botox. Because it makes other people feel, they're like, what's wrong with me? It's an unobtainable beauty standards.

I think as long as you are open about the fact that that's what you've had done, I don't really see the problem with it. You know, I'm 100% happy talking about the fact that I've had it done. Anyway.

but so bye-bye so I've talked about the fact I've had Botox done and I've seen that I've had a message come through click through on the message now this is somebody who is replying to a story well so basically what I think has happened is probably quite confusing but somebody has seen me talking about the Botox and has then sent it to this person this person has

replied thinking that they've sent this reply back to the person who has sent them the story they haven't realized that because they viewed my story and hit reply they're replying to me right so they're basically bitching behind your back directly to me and I do like to reply to my messages and I try my best to get through them when they see them come in so this message comes in and it says oh I have seen this exclamation mark exclamation mark was going to send it to you um

I still think her mouth looks really weird though. What do you think? How long has she been talking about this mouth? Exactly right. So I'm like, I've eaten it. And I'm like, what the fuck? Because for a minute I thought, have I said something?

that caused her to reply like that and then I've gone back and watched the story and I'm like no no this is this worked out very quickly this is what's happened so I replied to her I replied to her and I said oh um now Are you talking to me or about me, right? Can you imagine now, can you now imagine if you are this person who has sent this message? Can you imagine opening your inbox and go, oh, and she follows me. It wasn't like a rogue person. She follows me.

Oh, Sophie sent me a message. Oh, my God. The horror. The absolute horror. Sophie sent me a message. How funny. I was just bitching about it. Do you know what, right? If this was me, and I mean, it's 101 of being a bitch, right? That you double check. the who you are sending your reply to you know if you are going to say anything that is slightly unkind about somebody you you check to make sure that you're not actually sending it back to that person and you know what annoyed me the most about it

Not actually had anything done to my mouth. It was just my own mouth. I exactly haven't touched anything past my nose. Nothing. It's my under eyes and my forehead, guys. But apparently my mouth looks really weird. What do you think? So I'm thinking, well, you know, I actually, when I smile.

I've got quite a few lines there because I've lost bit weight and it goes from your face, doesn't it? So I've kind of got like the Grinch lines here that I've got going on, just like movement in my face. So I was like, well, that's...

That's probably the only weird thing about my mouth. And anyway, then she replied. So she replied, I would have just like, I would go to my safe runaway space if this happened to me, which is Australia. We all know this. If I'm going to be mortified by anything or, you know, like shit myself in public, I'm going to move to.

Australia and just be done with it um but she's replied right and now if this was me I would have sent if I did reply if I hadn't you know already packed my case and been on a Qantas right If I'd replied, I would have been like, I am mortified. I'm so sorry. That was so unkind of me. I realized, you know.

you know I shouldn't I shouldn't have said it I would have I would have just sold an organ to try and make it better yeah groveled she said oh I was just having a conversation with my friend no offense sorry so so what like so the justification behind this uh like her shit apology was i was just talking about you to my friend but i didn't mean for you to see it sorry

I was basically what she was saying. You're bad for, you shouldn't have seen that. What are you doing? What are you doing checking your own inbox with your shit weird mouth? Oh dear. So yeah, if you're going to bitch about someone, just be really careful, guys. Be warned as well, because if you send me a nasty message, I will post it on Instagram.

open dictionary corner. That still sounds like down at the bottom of the garden. Oh, what have you got for me this week, Loose? Down at the bottom of the garden. Oh. Where the bunny's been. See what I did there? I'm going topical. So, Sophie, what do you think an Easter basket is? Oh.

I just feel like this is instantly going to ruin certain elements of Easter and any kind of activities I do with the children moving forward. Well, speaking of pushing, is it when you are at some kind of... easter themed gangbang which i believe is what jesus sacrificed himself for in loving memory of our lord who gave his only son and you go to easter gangbang right

there's lots of rabbits everywhere but they're not the fluffy ones okay there's just there's all all the sex aids okay and then one of the events of the evening is the basket gets passed around and instead of a chocolate egg everyone's got to shit in the basket. Maybe it's like a two girls, one cup situation. Maybe it's like a weird, a weird fetish that everybody has to shit in the basket and that's it. You just shit. I don't know. Don't ask me.

The weirdness that goes down at swinging sex parties, all right? I'm sure shitting in a basket is probably like the least weird thing to have ever happened. it's like it really is it really is so an easter basket is when you fill up someone's toilet with toilet paper so there's no so you can't see any water left in the toilet and then they have someone has a poo on top and it resembles an easter basket

Yeah. Well, yes, I've seen many an Easter baskets then, in which case of the not sex party variety. When the kids are out with their Easter baskets, just think it could be worse.

parenting tales slash parenting fails slash instagram fails because you haven't checked your message to make sure that you're not bitching about the person that you've just sent your message to it's got a ring to it yeah it has okay what have we got this sweet loose right so this one comes

All the way from Down Under. Oh, where I would have to move to in case of any kind of mortifying life event. And where I'm also touring. So, you know, end of May, beginning of June, guys. Get your tickets now. Tell your friends. So this one is called Car Rides and it is from Steph. G'day, Steph.

G'day. Right. Hi, Sophie and Lucy. Absolutely love the podcast. Can't wait to see you in Australia. That's got a ticket. Good girl. She's coming. I feel like I have many parenting fails, as I'm sure we all do, but this one still haunts me to this day. Oh, I love a good one that haunts. It's a bit of a terror, this one. Okay. My son was about 18 months old at the time and had been obsessed with pushing the button for the window in the car up and down. We've been through that a few. Yeah, yeah.

Like just obsessively shouting on motorway journeys, yeah. Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep. So he would do this every time we got in the car. One day, I picked both him and his three-year-old sister up from daycare. We're driving home in peak hour traffic.

I'm from Australia. So we have a lot of roads that merge into one lane at the stupidest part of the road. It's scary. I would, I hate driving in other countries. Why are other country roads so much more terrifying as well? I know, but at least in Australia, they drive on the same. same side as us so that's one battle one battle down could not drive on the other side just what do you fucking do at a roundabout apart from cry and just cause an accident

Go the wrong way, yeah. Go the wrong way, yeah. Yeah, carry on. Okay, as I'm trying to concentrate, my son was happily playing with the window, going up and down whilst I'm driving along. Then all of a sudden, I hear a big flick. I turn around to find he's gotten adventurous and opened the car door while driving through rush hour traffic. Oh, my God. Child blocks, child blocks, child blocks, child blocks. So.

I turn around and scream as I think about, I think he's about to fly over seat. Oh, can you even imagine? Can you imagine? She then says, stuck in traffic so i had no choice i had she had to quickly stop the car in the middle of the road she couldn't get to the because she was in so many lanes of traffic she had to stop the car then she had to try and run around the car without getting hit by passing traffic oh my god

Whilst holding up everybody in the lane behind her. While she closed the door. So you can imagine the car horns. Oh God. Can you imagine? He thought it was the best fun. couldn't stop laughing oh no my three-year-old who is highly dramatic cried the whole way home thinking she was gonna get sucked out of the car whilst driving oh wow yeah maybe it makes me think if you know like the airplanes like if you open an airplane no don't i can't think i can't think about that

No. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you got an airplane soon on yourself. Yeah, thanks. Sorry. I just kept saying, on repeat, we do not open the door while we are on the road ever all the way home. Yeah. So to be fair, right, Jack has done this to me once. I'd swapped cars with Steve because we normally, I would just have the family car, which we have all the car locks on. And for whatever reason that day, I needed to swap. Hadn't even thought about it.

we didn't have the car locks on and we were out driving down the m62 all right so so steph this is a big motorway in england big big fuck up scary four-lane motorway and um on the way to my mom and dad's and

Jack opened the car door. But to be fair, because of the fact that I was doing 70 miles an hour, it wasn't like it was open and then stayed open. He'd opened it, but then the pressure of the... it's that it didn't slam but then wasn't closed but other drivers were like like scream it trying to get over to the hard shoulder and he still he must have been he must have been

three four maybe and he still talks about the time that he opened the door in the most way because it must just be a traumatizing core memory that and the time that mommy shouted at him for telling the truth about the easter bunny Oh, it's going to be an expensive therapy session when he's older, isn't it? So there we go. Thank you, Steph. Thank you, Steph. That's going to be our first transatlantic mascara. Unless you're happy for me to bring it at the show.

yeah it's a good idea Steph tell us what show you're at and you can go and meet yourself you can meet it and you can have it in person good stuff we'll be back next week with more of the same we of course have our little snackette that goes out on a Thursday little

Cheeky finger blast if you want to come join Lucy and I for that. If you have enjoyed the podcast, please feel free to leave us a nice review. If you don't, then maybe you could just DM it to me instead and tell me that my mouth looks weird. And we'll see you next week. Hit the jingle. Enjoy the safe play zone. Over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week.

From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.