Finger Blast from the Past: Virtual Boyfriends

Finger blast, finger blast. Oh, finger blasts from the past. Never gets old, finger blasts from the past. Hi, everyone. Hi, everyone. Welcome to your weekly fingering session with me, Sophie McCartney.

You might have had a tequila going into this. We got Lucy with the Fringe. You might have had some kind of mothball cocktail that she's got going on. Right. This week's Finger Blast from the past is something that I actually know that I'm... potentially going to say it out loud, I'm not entirely sure it was a real thing or whether maybe I dreamt it.

Do you ever do that? You think, was that real? Or did I just imagine that from when I was 12 or something? Right, I'm going to kick this off first off by something that I know is definitely real. Do you remember More Magazine? Yeah, position of the fortnight. Position of the fortnight. Well, first off, we need to point the finger at the fingering that was happening in Moore's position of the fortnight because that magazine was aimed at pretty much 16-year-old girls, right? Yeah.

More than likely, absolute virgins. And they were promoting. I mean, fine. I'm totally fine with, you know, sexual confidence and promoting that in young women and not being ashamed of your body, you know, and what we're all here for, guys.

for a good time not a long time and what my problem was was the positions were so bloody ambitious that the expectation levels of a 16 year old virgin for the first time thinking that they're going to be doing some kind of backward flip onto a penis and expecting it to be good and then not crying in the corner for 12 hours later with some cranberry juice. It was just so wrong, wasn't it? I wonder if they had the reverse flamingo in there at one point. Sorry, the reverse ostrich.

What's the reverse flamingo where you're just standing on one leg? It's a reverse ostrich on one leg. Very good. Yeah, there we go. Now I wonder whether they had, because that was, it was crazy shit, wasn't it? What was the reverse? Oh, we've done the reverse ostrich, haven't we? If you want to go back, yeah. Yeah, I need to go back in time to an urban dictionary. Anyway, so More Magazine, right? That's mainly what I remember of More Magazine. Apart from...

this is what I now can't remember whether officially was a real thing or not or whether it was just me was that when we started to go digital so when the creation of the internet came in so I must have been maybe about 13 14 you know bit of dialogue yeah when that was all going on mum picking up the phone trying to call my grandad

I'm on the internet. I'm on Tinterweb. Thank you, Peter Kay, for that. I don't think northern people can call the internet anything other than the Tinterweb, by the way, after Peter Kay. Anyway, I digress. So... more magazine if you went online you could do a game that was basically a virtual boyfriend do you not remember this do you not remember this but I am sitting comfortably ready for you to tell me more

tell me more tell me more so I'm sure that this was a real thing I'm half sure that this was a real thing I used to go on dates with a boy that wasn't real but it was kind of It was kind of like a cartoon, but it wasn't. Hang on, was it like Sims? Like Sims? Yes, a bit like Sims. But I wasn't talking to an actual person, I don't think. I mean, I might have been, but I don't think the internet was that advanced.

back then was that a thing I don't think that was a thing so it was a bit like the sims but it was this quite hot guy had dark hair. He's quite tall and retrospectively kind of looks a little bit like Steve. And I don't know whether that then kind of groomed me into a particular type of man. And you'd go on dates with him and he would ask you questions.

I think his name was maybe Max or something. I don't know. And so, yeah, he'd ask questions about things that you liked. And basically, it was like an ABC answer. So you had to... Oh, right. Multiple choice. Yeah, so you had to, much like my university accountancy module, just any answer will do. You were meant to answer honestly, and then that was to see if you were compatible with the cartoon internet man, and then you progress on to different dates.

So the game almost was a progression of dates, whether you, I don't know what, I never got to the end. I don't know whether you got a virtual shag at the end. I don't know, but I kept getting dumped. So then I would keep, because I kept getting dumped, I'd be trying to second guess what. Oh, did you keep getting dumped?

dumping me he kept dumping me what sort of stuff did he say so tell me what you said but I then tried to I was then trying to start second guessing what he would want me to say so basically I then started changing myself I forgot, are you an internet man?

who wasn't real, who I stood no chance with in the real world. But I was absolutely infatuated with him. I was obsessed with him. I imagine it's a little bit like how Jack comes home from school and he just wants to get on Fortnite and play Fortnite. I just wanted to get home and play with a lad called Max. wasn't real oh my god i wonder what his penis looks like

I wondered whether I would get to position of the fortnight with this thing, whether they bothered giving him genitals or not. I don't know.

my first boyfriend so I stalked I mean I've oh my god I look back at myself and what a weird person I was do you think that like kids today aren't like this kids today aren't as weird as we were when we were teenagers do you not think we were tapped oh my we were

so my first boyfriend right my first boyfriend I'm not going to say his name but he would know who he was if he was listening um The reason that I ended up being his girlfriend was because I stalked him and I basically orientated our meeting. I manipulated him without him really knowing into dating me. because I would know where he was going. Is it grooming or is it manifesting or manifesting, really, if you've tied a bloke in a basement and beaten him until he's agreed to go out with you?

I just manifested him. Same, same. I manifested him. Same, same. And he wouldn't date me, so I ate his arm. But yeah, I probably stopped him. So he went to the local boys' school. I went to the local girls school and he was three years older than me as well. So older man. And he used to get the bus and I knew exactly where he lived. Oh, I knew exactly. I would walk past his house. Like I'd get off the bus stop four stops early and just walk past his house.

through his windows he will be mine oh yes he will be mine if it was nowadays there would be a restraining order on me. And especially, imagine if the role was reversed. Imagine if he was doing it to me. I mean, that's police intervention, right? That's police intervention. But no, I would stalk him and I would find out, I somehow managed to integrate myself.

into a friendship circle of people who knew him. So I would know where he was going to be. So I could just pop up. I could just pop up from behind urinals. What are you doing here? The only way you're going to get rid of her is to date her and dump her. It's to date her and dump her like that bloke Max on the internet. It's the only way. Just give her a load of multiple choice questions and she'll absolutely lose her fucking... shit.

And then you'd be gone. She'll just collapse on the floor and go, no, it's happening again. It's happening again. But we dated. I remember actually the day that it happened. And we were in this bar in Liverpool. It was called the Wonder Bar. Wonder Bar. which sounded a bit like a wunderbar. Yeah, but it wasn't. It was a wunderbar. And it played proper Scouse House. It was like, blow your whistle, bitch.

We'd all be there blowing our imaginary whistle. We are the children of the night. All of that. All of that. Yes. Oh, so good. And he was there. And my friend was like, babe. I can't say his name. I can't say his name on the internet because I'll be arrested. He's here. He's here. So there I was.

in my little um I had a handkerchief I remember the outfit vividly handkerchief top on with tassels all the midriff out all the midriff and then I'd had a load of diamantes around my belly button because Jay there had done it and then I had a handkerchief as well because it was all about the angles matchy matchy angles to my top and I kind of sidled on over and to blow it like you mean it

Me there, like, oh, I'm blowing something. Look how good my blowjob skills are. I look like Popeye. I look like Popeye. I've had my spinach today, laddie. He couldn't resist me. And I did that thing, you know, when you fancy a lad and you just kind of dance into him, like you reverse yourself into him, just like... And did he keep walking away? Yeah, just kept. I was like, I'm dead one way or another. I'm good to find you. And then, and then it happened. It happened.

He just snogged me because back then you could just snog someone's face in a club. And that was the, that was just the done thing. You would just go up to someone that you'd never even met before and just play a bit of tonsil tennis. You'd neck him. Wouldn't you be like, oh, my God, the neck him. Neck him. Neck him. Oh, God, it was awful. So anyway, we kissed.

It was magical. And then we dated. Then I got the ick and I dumped him. So all of that hard work stalking gave me the ick and I fucked him off. You know when you used to walk past us house, you'd get them off the bus early. Were you like, okay, I've got one chance. Did you do it like every day for months, but just on the chance that you might happen to go past at the right time? Yeah. Did you ever cross paths? We did. We did. Do you know what? I think I could be in the police.

If I needed to tail somebody, I think I'd be excellent at following somebody without them actually knowing that I was there. Just from my teenage years, prepared me, gave me life skills. gave me life skills in the art of tracking somebody. I basically, before COVID, was the original track and trace. Never mind TNT tied and tested. You were tracking and trace. I was tracking and trace.

One thing that I do remember, though, when I had a crush, tell me if you did this. Did you ever look in the phone book for your crush's surname? And then look for their address. Yeah, of course I did. That's how I found them in the first place. What the... How weird that you were just, this book was sent to every single person in the country and it had everybody seen. Absolute stalker's dream. Imagine GDPR and that shit now.

wouldn't happen would it hi BT have you got any um have you got anybody's personal details on file nope nope if you could just tell me where David Beckham lives that would be grand thanks so much