Finger Blast from the Past: First Period

Stel je voor, je ziet geen vuilnisbak in de buurt. Dus je haalt je blikje bij totdat je er een vindt. En net bij die vuilnisbak vind je waar je al zo lang naar zocht. Je katje dat al drie maanden vermist was. Neem je afval mee en het geluk last je toe. Mooi maken! Met de steun van Vlaanderen. Fingerblast, fingerblast. Fingerblast found the best. Fingerblast, fingerblast.

Be the best by the best. This might be TMI at least, but period's on today. I've been waiting for it for a little while. I've been waiting for it to drop and she's just dropped. I'm like the hottest day of the year and I'm just like all bloated and crampy and just...

We must be synced, because I'm in the last day of mine. We're synced. We are synced. It's because we spend too much time together. Because you do get that, don't you? People who live with other females. I'm imagining when Evelyn starts her period, supposedly... We will start thinking, yeah, if I'm not just fully in the menopause for that. No, though, I don't understand this. Obviously on the pill, back when I was first living with my mates, but...

How do you sync up? I don't understand. I don't know. Maybe God does exist and the patriarchy is running strong. And he went, fuck these crazy bitches. Let's just get it all lumped in together at one point. Because I can't be dealing with this multiple times.

throughout the month just all get it get like hell week over and done with in one go and then we'll all just move on out the other side maybe it's that it's weird isn't it it is weird um oh god i can't be dealing there with her starting hers do you remember your first period yes I do. But my cousin in Ireland, we used to go over to Ireland every Easter, see me stay with granny and stuff. And my cousin taught me about periods, I think when I was about eight.

And she taught me about periods. And she taught me about sex. And she taught me everything. And I was absolutely traumatised. When I then went back to my granny's. And sat and looked at my parents. And I thought. You two absolutely disgusting. Gussed me, howdy. And it did traumatise me. So from that age of eight, I remember having our first sex education lesson in year five when I was nine. And it was all very funny.

I then had the fear of starting my period. I used to cry when I thought I was starting my period. I didn't actually end up starting until I was 13, but I must have had a few false starts. I was scared that that was my childhood over. But then I was actually one of the last ones to start. I was definitely secondary school. Maybe I was year seven, year eight. I don't actually remember.

I want to say maybe I was 13, closer to 13 than I was 11. So somewhere in between that remit. And I just had stomach aches for days. And I remember when it happened and I went upstairs to go to the toilet. And then I pulled my pants down and I saw...

And I was just, I was so traumatized. I fell back inside of the toilet. So I fell into the toilet in fear. Never wanted to be overdramatic. Sorry, what? You fell into the toilet bowl? That was a child. I was 12 or whatever. And I did, I fell back into the toilet bowl. En dan had to call from my mum. I was like, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. And my mum was like, oh my, okay. Calm yourself down. Get yourself out of the toilet. John's ringing the ambulance.

Act like my leg had fallen off or something. And then my mum was like, okay, well, you have had a stomach ache for a week. And I was suspicious as maybe this was what? This was. She was like, it's fine. But I remember I bled for a full week so heavy. My mum ended up taking me to the doctor's. Stop. My shoulder's bleeding from the vagina. For at least a week and it's quite heavy. And they gave me some...

I think in the end. Like a clotting thing almost. And then it was alright then. I think it was just the first one. Got that one out of the way. And then it was fine. But I remember in school as well. Doing the talk. And they would talk about. Sanitary protection. Isn't it hilarious? Sanitary protection. You needed something evil. Was happening inside your vagina. And you needed to protect yourself. From it. Protected all parts from the blood. Did you get like.

Almost like the bounty pack of periods back then, where you got your sample. Kotex. Do you remember Kotex? I meant Kotex! They were the cute ones, weren't they? Yeah, that's a blast from the past. Oh no, I remember the Kotex to be these big... Fuck off. Massive. Like, if your arm had just come off in a shark attack, if you had a Kotex to hand... Like a surfboard. Yeah, you could just...

Stick it on there. Just absorb that blood flow on there. Massive. So this might be TMI. But I remember I had to use the ones. The pads that were like. That were more like cushiony. Because remember always had. They were like little circles. Do you remember it was almost like.

Oh, I couldn't, I couldn't. And you, from an early age, you had your weird thing about your circles. I could never, ever use, always. I had the pads that had the little, it was like little circles, wasn't it? How do you feel about tampons though? Because that's a circular kind of thing going into a...

circular thing I love the finger demo that you gave with that as well but I do remember I mean we used to do swimming at school and I swear to god I was on my period every week to get out of that oh yeah just to get out of it but I do remember er was somewhere i was going and i was on my period and i really wanted to go and i had to wear a swim costume so my mom was like i must have been back she was like you're gonna have to try a tampon oh my god sophie i remember being in

The bathroom at my parents house. Trying to insert a tampon. And literally tears coming out of my eye. It was so painful. One of my core childhood memories. Is being in a shady three star. Accommodation.

in Mallorca on a family holiday and my sister shouting in through the door instructions of how to put the tampon in and they give you, there's that pamphlet isn't it that came with the tampon with like a little drawing of a woman just with her foot in the air and like Het is hard enough trying to do this on two feet. Why would you take one of your feet out of the equation and then try and put the tampon in just like a flamingo?

On one leg. Just trying to shove a bit of cloth on it. And yeah it took me ages to get the hang of a tampon. But hey I do think now. Nowadays things have changed so much. Because you've got your period pants. There's like all the options isn't there. Now for girls. Do you feel a bit better that actually, you know, for the next generation is going to be as easy as being on your period and then going, oh, I'm just going to put the period knickers on. Then they will wash them.

My mum can deal with that. My mum can wash my blood out. I'm just in the kitchen sink. Oh, so gross. Did you ever go on the pill? Yeah, I did. Yeah. Everyone did, didn't they? Everyone was on the microgynon. Yeah, microgynon. Fuck what I was going to do to you in the future.

want everyone get on the mic again but my skin was quite bad as a teenager so I went I didn't go on it for contraception because I was in an all-girl church of England high school I don't think I even met a boy that I fancied until I was about 17 but

Ja, ik ben aan het voor mijn skin. Ik ben aan de olie van mij aan. Ik denk dat nu iedereen was aan het, weren't they? Maar ik was wierdly talking about dit. To mijn vriend de andere night. Want ze heeft een hormonal coil fitted. En ik was er ook heel oppressive.

Use contraception. That means you're still having sex with your husband. But anyway. But I was talking about how I used to be on the pill. And I think back now to. You know that we've talked about the story. About when I was a bit crazy. When I was with one of my boyfriends. That one time.

We're crazy. I think, oh my god. She was like, yeah, but I was on the pill. But it just made me a little bit psycho. And I was like, it wasn't me. It was the pill. It was notorious for making you batshit. When I look back, I think, Jesus Christ, I was. Stel je voor, je ziet geen vuilnisbak in de buurt. Dus je haalt je blikje bij totdat je een vindt. En net bij die vuilnisbak vind jij waar je al zo lang naar zocht. De katje dat al drie maanden vermust was.

Neem je afval mee en het geluk lacht je toe. Mooi maken! Met de steun van Vlaanderen. There is a bit of research that's been done and I might be lifting bits from one place and adding it with bits from the other. But I was talking, funnily enough, I was talking about this on the girls' trip. We were away at the weekend because everyone was talking. So this is also the chat when you go away on a girls' trip.

When you're 40 or older. Is that a lot of the chat. Is just about perimenopause. That was like a fuck of my life. Lots of perimenopausal chat. And one of the girls is going for HRT treatment at the moment. Anyway, we were talking about the pill. And this has come to my head. And I had to do a Google of it because I thought I'd made it up. But it turns out that I hadn't. There has been a study that shows that if you met your partner when you were on. ... ... ... ... ...

Dat in turn apparently had some kind of sway over, because if you think about sexual attraction, it's hormonal based as well, isn't it? As well as just, you know, there's pheromones involved, you're ruled by your hormones. And so in theory...

People were picking their partners based on what their hormones were telling them when they were on the pill, however many years ago. They've then come off the pill in later life, having not needed to be on it. And the body's gone, who the fuck are you married to? No, thank you. You've been given the ick.

Because naturally, you wouldn't have picked that partner, but your hormones told you to do it. And then you come off the fake hormones. And then they're looking at a correlation between divorces that happen. Shut up.

being on the pill shut up interesting fact of the day I wasn't on the pill I mean I may have just paraphrased some of that and dipped in and out but have a google of it it's something to that effect that is really crazy but also makes sense but did you get the chat from your mum about The Birds and the Bees. I had a book.

Wat did you just go? There's your book. I don't remember anything other than it giving me this book. And I think this book traumatised me. Because it was quite machine orientated. It was like in a factory. And these machines mated with each other. Can anybody back me up on, does anybody have this? What the actual? It was like a machine, I don't know what. Robot Wars.

Are these machines? Kind of weird automated dildos. I don't know what was going on. Like sex dolls. I'm not entirely sure. No, it was... I don't know whether it was like a bread-making factory or something, but there was definitely... Part of the manufacturing process. And one of the machines had a coil on the front. Like a big spring. And that big spring went into one of the other machines. And then they produced a baby. Shut up.

Is it a real thing? Have you found it? Let me have a look. I can't have made this up. It's kind of been like a weird fever dream that I had when I was about 12. I have never heard. Listeners, if you were born in the 80s and then you were probably having to be given the puberty chat when you were in the 90s, some kind of book. It was a green, very square machine with a big coil cock and the coil cock kind of quite aggressively latched.

in to the female machine and that was kind of the talking about how they came together was it called it's perfectly normal maybe but it feels like it wasn't It's different now though. So I have, I've had a couple of books over the years. I've got one called Where the Willy Went. Nice.

En in one of them, people are bonking on a space hopper. Now I feel... You've always liked a bit of an alliteration. I know, I do. But I feel that like... showing people and they've got their clothes on but it's them having a good time on a space hopper and I kind of feel that that's just setting unrealistic expectations isn't it really for adventurous sex and later life and really it just needs to be two people in the missionary position going

I've got forest school tomorrow. I need to get the stuff ready. And I feel that that's probably all we need. Learn anything over the last few weeks with your management of expectations. The bus needs to be set low. Very low and then just be very pleasantly surprised with what comes afterwards, literally. So my parents were both teachers in the middle schools where I grew up. I went to my dad's school.

En mijn broer went naar mijn mama's school. Oh, controversial. We get to pick their favorite. No, we got to pick our favorites. I wanted to walk to school. It was closer. Anyway, mijn mama was... The sex education teacher. At the middle school. No. And my friends. That I'd gone to first school with. That I knew. Were taught by my mother. And honestly. Oh my god. It was the most icky. Disgusting. I was so mortified. And I remember one night... ... ... ... ...

TELL ME! En ik was literally just like... La la la la la la! No, you are not telling me this! And I couldn't speak to her. When one big green bread making machine falls in love with another big green bread making machine... I need to find this book. I need you to find it. Linda's probably still got it somewhere. You need to ask her. It'll be somewhere. When they die, when they die, I'll be clearing out the attic and I'll be like, oh, here it is.

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