Dressing room divas and koala-eared beavers

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snap, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

Well, good day, everybody, and welcome to another episode of the Child and Tested Podcast. I'm so sorry, Australia. And New Zealand, just to counter in there. But I feel that that is more of a, it's more of a very dodgy Aussie accent, isn't it? It's me. It's Syphrey McCartney talking to you from the future. Because I'll be down under.

down under by the time you're listening to this and it and it's my it's my Geordie Lucy with the fringe hi babe you're you're up still I'm down I wonder if you've made it in one piece I wonder if I'm still alive. I hope I'm not dead. I really hope I'm not dead. I mean, it'd be great for the listens, to be honest, though. I imagine that we'd get some good downloads if I am actually dead. Every cloud.

and all that you know no pr is bad pr exactly you know you gotta you gotta fill the front pages with something right so yeah i'll hopefully this time next week i will be in sunny noosa which is north of Brisbane. I've been checking the weather. It's pissing it down. I'm going to Australia at the worst time of year, which is their winter. Who goes to Australia for the winter? It's like we're having a little heat wave here. Yeah. And I'm going...

By sun, I've been longing for sun. I'm like a sun worshiper. I just long for summer. I just sit kind of craving it from the window or longingly staring out at the grey clouds. I'm just a nicer person when the sun's out. I'm happier, more upbeat in life. And when it's cloudy, I'm just miserable as fuck. So I'm choosing the time when it is cloudy in Australia to go over there and be miserable as fuck on their shores instead.

Right, before you get all your ranty rant on, whose idea was this? It was mine. And whose idea was it to go at this specific time of year? Mine. And whose idea was it to take all three of her children with her mine? Yes, I appreciate this is all my own doings, okay? It is all my own fault, which I think is possibly why I'm so angry about it. Like if somebody else had sent me.

then you know I could take it on the chin a little bit more but because this is my own fault I get these little like almost like oh my god hate my life kind of style voice notes about stuff that she's got to do for Australia and I'm just like don't you even Don't you either. To be fair, I do send you voice messages and I run to the go, whose idea was this anyway? And then a second later I go, oh, sorry, it was mine.

apologies it is very very exciting we are in the past i've not packed i wonder what you forgot to take so in in the past guys it's tuesday um and And I fly on Friday, the suitcases are still in the loft. And I just can't comprehend how many pairs of knickers that I'm going to need for three and a half weeks. That is currently what's blowing. my mind I just I can't cope with how many things I'm going to need to pack but also because I'm going all over Australia and because Australia is

fucking massive. What is a continent? So, you know, they're big. But how many Englands or UKs is it?

So, so many. So I think either in between Brisbane and Sydney or Sydney and Melbourne, which I think are all equidistant in that sense, like Sydney's kind of in the middle. It takes eight hours to drive in between Brisbane and Sydney and it takes... eight hours to get between sydney and melbourne i think between eight and ten depending on how fast you're going um and i think if you were to drive the length of

the uk i think that's gonna take you eight hours so i that's really shit maths on that but quite a lot would be my estimate how many i've just googled it go on it's how many australia is 32 times bigger than the united kingdom but isn't it true right i've i've only ever been to us once but isn't it true like a massive percentage is just outback

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Most of the people just live in the cities around the outside, around the outside, because everything in the middle kills you. To be fair, everything on the outside kills you as well. There's just a high proportion of things that will kill you in Australia.

And I think that the flight over there is probably going to be the first one that gets me, to be honest. And I fully expect that if I don't die on the plane, I'm just going to walk off the steps and there's going to be a crocodile at the bottom, like from Peter Pan, just at the bottom of the steps, just waiting to get me. My mum keeps telling me.

stories about crocodiles eating people and i'm like linda it's not helping so she was like oh sophie you know those two girls those two british those twins those girls and um and one of the sisters was attacked by the crocodile the other sister went in and she saved the crocodile i was like it was in mexico And she was like, still, you never know. Mike's not trying to shit me up about the crocodiles. And this actually takes me back though, because we went to America last year.

So this time last year was RV, COVID and a camper van. I don't know why I do this to myself. I think we really want to enrich the kids' lives. And, you know, we're in a position, especially with what I do for a job, that we can, you know, we're fortunate that we can go and expose. the kids to you know to travel in different countries but yeah oh god

So, but I had had an absolute meltdown last year about Florida and crocodiles. And I honestly expected Florida to be like, you know, the Roald Dahl book, the ginormous crocodile. Do you remember this one? And the crocodile is just hiding everywhere, waiting to eat children. He's disguised as palm trees. He's disguised as a seesaw, just with his mouth open all the time. I honestly expected this to be Florida, that I'd get off the plane and there'd just be a Walmart sign.

And it would actually be a crocodile. That's what I thought America was going to be. And even to the point where, because Nate was only still quite little when we went to America, he was only... eight months or so eight nine months he wasn't moving it was brilliant thems were the glory days and someone was like well if you and the if you and the kids want to go off and do things i'll just take nate for walks and i was like no you fucking won't amanda okay

You're going to keep my baby where I can see it, which is not inside a crocodile's mouth. That was it. Yeah, like you say, he was at an age where he couldn't kill himself, really. No, it was neglect. Whereas this time...

this time so tornado as we like to call him um we've had to get him some some little rains now and he's never had rains before um and he's livid about this you know those little life rains we've got my tiger one because i thought if i just dressed it up as something that was quite

cute that he'd be on board with it so it was sports day today for us we took him down to school on the on the field in the rains screamed the whole time just trying to claw claw this harness off him like it was a parachute and he was determined was gonna get out he was going and no one was gonna stop him just like ah running around the school playground so i'm not sure how that's gonna pan out but here's the thing with them with them australia

So I've been before, Steve and I have been before, and we remember, and this is what happened to us within America as well. We remembered it to be the most beautiful and magical place. And this is because Steve and I remembered going when we were in our 20s. I still had great hits, right? And we went to all these incredible places on our own and we stopped and we took in all the wonders of, you know, of nature and of geographical just anomalies.

It was just mind blowing. Your kids are not going to give a flying. No, they're really not. They're really not. And they're going to see these things. And this is one of my really big standout memories of.

Australia especially when we were on the west coast as we went to all these national parks and they were just gorgeous so gigantic cliffs with just big holes in the middle and it was so pretty death everywhere death everywhere this is why we've got the reins so at least if he throws himself off the gorge my arm will be dislocated in the process oh I'm dead stressed about it I'm dead excited but I'm dead stressed about it

you're stressed about it but I'm also stressed about it because I'm like oh my god I can't really manage you in a different time so I feel like like I'm on this countdown my OCD is going through the roof because I'm a bit like

trying to think like we were on a call yesterday with your promoters and Jez was on it with me and I'm like asking them like for extra stuff and Jez is like you don't get that and I'm like no because I'm not going to be there I'm not going to be there to help and it's just oh my god Can I just say though that you two have made me, and I feel like a tit now in Australia, look so extra because you two, you between you, have made me look.

so extra have you got the if you got the rider email there the request have you got right so when Just backstory. I'm going to backstory it. Right. So when you're on tour, when you're performing and you have, you may have heard about this, Mariah Carey is quite divish for it. You have, you have a rider and your rider is basically what you want.

behind the scenes what you want your dressing room to make your life a little bit more comfortable while you're there now I am not diva-ish okay I'm not diva-ish I don't ask for a lot there is one thing that I'm quite particular about um and and you know when i'm in the uk my tool manager vix she she knows she knows how particular i am about said said item and this has been this has been passed on um and then um but god love lucy's husband

Jez also tour manager he's relayed this information to the lovely people in Australia he's also added on a few extras because just from his general tour managing experience he was like it's always good to put this book that collectively with my one by the way my one request for my one item along with what Jez has then asked for makes me sound

Like such a tits. I was like, so you had one call with Jez without me. And then I come back to this and I'm like, don't you dare get turning her into Mariah Carey. She's hard enough as she is. I am not having some high maintenance diva. walking back in so this is what it is so it's this is please supply so this is for your dressing room yeah this is where dressing room okay bear in mind i said to him just threw in a couple of ginny tinnies that's all she needs so then i come back

And he's like, will you just have a look at this before I send this rider over? Okay. Please supply a selection of menus for healthy local options and advise if Uber Eats or Just Eat or any local equivalent restaurant delivery service is available. Not completely unreasonable. I like a Deliveroo when I'm in the UK. Then we've got one clothing rail with hangers. Fair enough. Toilet and sink or nearby access to one without passing through a public area.

I mean, I would take a dunny, but you know, that's fine. I'll just take like a bucket in the corner, but you know, as a preference, a flushing toilet. One refrigerator. One full length mirror. and then I can't see this bit because it's part of but it's something about lighting at table height so I think that must be your dressing room which again I think that's all this is all fine and this is all fairly standard guys okay fairly standard two still bottles of water hydration important

This is it. One perfectly yellow and ripe banana with no bruises. Absolute prick. And one packet of polar mints. two gin and tonics mixed in a can like mixes in a can One tall drinking glass with fresh ice. Then this is the thing that apparently from experience. And this is what's pushed over there. So if they weren't already going this fucking English bird with a perfectly ripe banana. Sorry, Australia. I went a bit South African. in that as well.

If they're not already bitching about me, about they've had to send some guy out to look for a banana that's not got one single mark on it and it's just that perfect in-between yellow and greenness, this is going to be what finishes me off. One hand towel, not brand new, washed at least once to avoid fluff on face incident. What the fuck is a fluff on face incident?

I questioned this. I was like, what the fuck is this? Thinking it'd come from you. And he said, no, no, no. He's had many incidents where a brand new towel has been there and an artist has gone dab their face and it's left fluff on the face and it's no good. But never in my life have I ever turned up to a venue and asked for a new towel, specifically a new towel, but it must have been washed so that fluff cannot be left on my perfect non-fluff face.

It's a fine line, is it? It's a fine line between turning you into a diva and sounding like you know what you want and making you sound like a professional high-maintenance celeb. Yeah, who doesn't have bum fluff stuck to her face. At least you don't have to worry about the peach fuzz.

Yeah, that's true. Thanks, Jess. Always looking out for me. Oh, my God. My banana and my very specific town. So I feel like I'm already hated in Australia by the people who work in the business. Well, let's be honest. It's unlikely you're going to go back after all this stress. No.

Babe, I'm going to have to live there because once that I've got that far with my children and I know how awful it is, we ain't coming back. I'm going to have to apply for emergency residency status. So just a heads up, Australian government, the application will be landing with you.

the minute that I land in your country I think the thing that scares me I'm guessing when you look back at your life your time in Australia with Steve when you were you know child free and very little responsibilities time of life You probably still have blocked out the 24-hour flight to get there, right? Well, no, we didn't do that. We didn't do it because we were traveling the world. So we'd flown from the UK to America, did America, America then down to...

Fiji and the Cook Islands and then from there we'd gone up to New Zealand first and then Australia. So for us it took like four hours to get to Australia. The longest plane journey we did would be the 10 hours over to the States. That was it. I've never had to do it also. And by the way, I'm terrified of flying, that my idea of hell is being contained in a metal can at however many thousand feet. Popped up on my phone before I was mid-sending you a voice message.

about a flight where somebody's just died on it and people are injured from turbulence. There's been no further details about this. It just pops up. The BBC went, hey, Sophie, are you going on holiday in four days on a plane? Yeah, I thought you might like to know this. Someone's just died on a plane from turbulence. What the fuck?

I need more details. And then they didn't give anything else. They didn't give anything else. There was no context to it. I need to know if that person had a heart attack. I need to know if a bag fell on his head. I need to know more. So there's that issue. And I don't like flying on my own. And then when I get to Australia...

And then I'm going to have to have two or three days with the kids and Steve. And then I have to fly out on my own, then down to Melbourne to do some TV stuff. And then I then have to fly on my own. to New Zealand and then fly back to Oz. I'm like, there's a lot of solo flying and I'm just, I'm absolutely bricking it. I am for you because even I remember when we used to fly together like years and years ago you used to always have to send the text to Steve and your mum. Still send it yeah just.

and so my rules um so before i get on well this happens actually so we're taxiing along the runway and they've told me to turn my phone off i'm like not today motherfuckers i'm gonna send i'm gonna send all my life out for now i'm like yeah it's on airplane mode but i'm still typing on whatsapp um and i have to send out the messages which to you consist of please don't let them put a really ugly picture of me in the daily mail if I die it has to be a really nice pretty picture all you care about

From a work perspective, just round that up nicely for me. No, it's two things. It's that and you're saying also remember the will's written on Hulk wallpaper. In the cellar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's where that is, really officially signed from when Steve and I went. We went to Italy when Evelyn was only a baby. I'd never left the kids before, both of them, and then gone to a different country because I hate flying. I absolutely lost my mind about this.

So two days before, because I'd realized we didn't have a will. um i really need to do this i really need to become a grown-up but i'm too scared because every time i talk about will it reminds me i'm gonna die and then i cry and have a complete life crisis and so i just keep putting it off but steve had ordered one of the internet but it was just one so he'd done his and then he went oh it's only one of them just like

handwritten one and for what he'd written on his was um literally this is all he wrote on his will um in the event that both of us died jack could have his watch jack could have his nice watch and then underneath that he wrote dad and then He did a dash and then he went, the dog. And that was...

That was his will. So Jack got his nice watch and Steve's dad got the dog. That was it. Whereas I'm there. I'm there with all I could find at that time of the morning. It was a piece of Marvel Hulk paper where I was writing on the back of it going to my daughter, Evelyn.

I leave to you mommy's collection of shoes, handbags, writing out all individual items. And that still remains. It's not been updated. But no, I do tell you what, I need to do a proper wheel because what I want to happen is if I die, right? And Steve then remarries.

then some bitch is going to get my side of the house and i'm not having that so i need to i need to do a will that says if i if i die and he sells the house then then my half goes to the kids we are in exactly the same position so when we had kit

long time ago um so we got our life insurance all sorted out and then they were like you really need to now you need to also think about a will so we got this form through from the solicitor and jez was like right can you have a look at this form one of the first questions on there

was do you want to be very decorated I was like I don't know I do not know can't and I was like right you're just gonna have to do it for me because I don't care because I'll be dead so he was like you see you've got to be a grown-up and I was like don't want to be a grown-up thank you very much yeah no I'm not old enough not old enough to be a grown-up

no no so we are in exactly the same position it is very important though because I keep getting like I've got some like friends that are like you know oh my god if anything ever happened you know like how much stress this would be for your boys and I'm like I just I know I'll be dead though, so, you know. One less thing for me to worry about. One thing off the list.

Yeah, but it is something that, oh, God. Oh, this is depressing, isn't it? I really hope I'll come back to do another episode of the Tired and Tested podcast, guys. I really do.

You know how you're talking there about how when you go down the runway and you send these last messages? Do you get the fear that if you switch your data when you're on an airplane that you're going to crash the plane? Yeah. So... and this isn't the thing Steve always forgets to turn his phone off into aeroplane mode and his is always on but you just actually just can't get a signal in the sky and I don't know

I guess, collectively, all of them. I think in my head, my rationale is that it interferes with the sat-nav and they'd just be flying around in a circle if everybody's phones were on. I don't know why. I don't know if this is science or not. So I literally, if the wheels are uplifted...

I then put it onto aeroplane mode. I think if the way they go on, if you take off and then you happen to have not put your phone on aeroplane mode, it's going to interfere with the signal and you're all going to die.

That is how, that's what's in my head. Okay, let's put this out to our listening audience because I'm sure that we have cabin crew, we have pilots, we have engineers or people who know them. Can we have the definitive answer on... why this is um and also i mean we might want clarification for this as well about the tray table because when the kids ask me about why the tray table needs to be up um i go for a very pc considerate answer to my children and say it's because

If we skid off the end of the runway mid takeoff, that you don't smack your face open and bleed everywhere before you burst into flames and we die. I've always wondered that as well. Yeah, it must just be that, mustn't it? That you're just going to... your face on it just needs to be out the way in case in case you die does that mean you're more likely to die in takeoff or landing

Oh yeah, you are more likely if something's going to go wrong. I'm sorry, but if you're going to die, I'm more than likely going to have my tray table out because I'm going to be doing something mid-flight. I'm going to be having a gin and tonic if I'm going down. I'm just going to be there with my... Can't go, can we not talk about this? Let's talk about this. What are you?

gonna do to try and keep your kids entertained for 24 hours though like I remember flying over by myself and honestly I got to Dubai I was almost convulsing is it convulsing compulsing whatever the word is like at the thought of having to do an even longer journey i mean it did i did get stuck in dubai which made it worse but making me feel loads better what what have you got but have you got some activities planned um i've been trying to train nate and with the television

i keep just putting on the debt like i'm currently just working through cbb's at the moment just to see if there's anything that particularly takes his fancy because he's at that age where his concentration he's not going to see it

And, you know, and do any kind of screen time. I had to take him for a heart scan last week. And he was born with a murmur and they just needed to check up on him. And he said, which is all gone and all his valves have closed over. So his heart's been given a clean bill of health, which was lovely.

But when we went into the hospital and they had to weigh him and do his height, he threw an absolute shit fit going on the scales. And so I was like, oh my word, he's not, he's not going to sit and have, because it's quite, it's quite. not invasive in the sense they go in, but you know,

they push the probe quite firmly into their chest and it takes a long time. It's a really in-depth scan that they do. And I was just thinking, oh my gosh, he's not going to sit here. And so the nurses said to me, oh, you just put something on your new phone for him. It's absolutely fine. Put it on as loud as you want.

It really doesn't matter just to keep him distracted. And I looked at them and I just went, but he doesn't watch anything on my phone. He won't. I've been trying to train him and he's not interested. Mother of the year. Mother of the year. So he showed a little bit of interest in Teletubbies the other day. He went quite old school on Teletubbies. So he'll sit maybe for two minutes. So, you know, that's two minutes off the 24 hours.

that we've got attributed there to the Teletubbies. I've been looking at Montessori toys because he's quite, he likes intricate things with his fingers. So, oh God, much to our detriment, we bought him. a Melissa and Doug. It's like a big wooden board with a load of different locks on it. And Steve said to me at the time, he said, are you sure that this is a good idea? Because it looks very much like we're teaching him how to break and enter into various things.

with his hairpin trying to pick a lock and he could do he can do them all and you know there's chains on there there's you know all type different types of locks and he can do it but he loves it he sits there for ages with this big board fortunately it's too

big to go on the bloody plane but this big board of all these different locks so he loves that so and that's like a Montessori style wooden toy and so I've been looking at all these different things um but I tell you why it wasn't a good idea because we were stood in the garden

a couple of days ago and Nate was at one end I was at the other and I was talking to Steve and I could see him at the garden gate and I said to Steve he's at the gate and Steve went it's fine he won't be able to do it and so I carried on talking to Steve fortunately I turned my head

just at the right time to see him walk out of the gate and run to it. So I nearly did a hammy running after him, got him, pulled him back. Steve went, the gate just wouldn't have been closed. It wouldn't have been closed. So we shut the gate, pulled the lock over on it. And then stood there and we watched him undo it. He had two hands, he did it, undid it, and then just sauntered out laughing, going, bye, as he went. Yeah. So I was like, oh.

That was probably because we got him the lockpicking game from a small child. You're essentially training him to be good at screen time and unpick locks. Yeah, basically. Just a life of juvie for him, isn't it, really? Breaking into somebody's house, isn't it?

Yeah, just, you know, here's how you turn the door. Here's how you turn the light on when you're in. Here's the lock. Get in. Go on, burglar bill. Yeah, so we're going to do that. Do you know what he likes at the minute? A peg bag. Oh, that's a good one. Loves a peg. He empties all the pegs out.

puts all the pegs back in. Yep. That might kill a bit of time. So I might take the peg back with me. I just don't think there's enough snacks, to be honest. We're not going to have enough snacks to bloody get over the continent.

from the uk i don't i don't see how we're going to have enough snacks to get all the way to australia but watch this space and when we get to australia though i'm excited to get to the airport and remember about that ham sandwich that's been sat at the bottom of the bag festering for 24 hours that their airport

beagles are going to find because they have beagles as working dogs in Australia. They have part of border control. They have beagles. And I don't know how they've managed to train these dogs to be... respectful members of law enforcing society. Because can you imagine Millie, if she was...

If she was put on official duties in an airport to try and sniff out all the food, I mean, she'd be probably quite good at sniffing it out. But the process in between letting her off the lead to go and find the ham sandwich and then her finding it, it would just be...

horrendous so but anyway nate will be happy when he gets to the other end and he sees loads of millie dogs yeah so that's something to look forward to isn't it being arrested for a ham sandwich um because i quite like that border force program that they have for australia But it's all these people who are smuggling, you know, a whole leg of Parma ham in their suitcase. And they're like, well, is this not allowed?

But this is the other thing with traveling. Like whenever I see the sniffer dogs and stuff, I'm like, oh my God, what if somebody accidentally planted some drugs on me and I don't know about it and I'm going to get arrested and be locked up in some sort of Thai jail, even though I'm not in Thailand.

even then you're in Australia they're just gonna go send this one to Thailand I do I always get the fear I'm like oh my god what if somebody's somebody's planted something in me I like it's like whenever you see a policeman on the street I immediately feel guilty about something

Yeah. Oh, 100%. Or when the police car's behind you. Jack did me proper dirty in an airport. Well, he's done this to me twice. The first of which is that he left a Nerf gun inside of whatever it sounds like. And the second time was when, you know, when you go...

to the check-in and they ask you whether you packed your bag yourself and Jack went I didn't pack my bag myself and I was like whoa so you can't say that I was like I did it I did it but you can't say that because they're gonna think that some dodgy person has wanted something in your backpack but no

No. So yeah, kids in airports. So we'll see. Evelyn also as well. You have to pat her down for things before you go through airport security because she would have just been halfway at the house about to get in and she's gone, oh, some nail scissors over there might need those. I'll get some nail varnish. Oh, let's throw all the liquid in that I haven't told mommy and daddy about. You've just triggered a memory once when I was on holiday with a boyfriend a long, long time ago.

I had a friend who I used to work with in the hairdressers and she used to smoke. So when we were in Spain and they had these, went into this little, you know, the little souvenir shops and they had all of these lighters that were actually...

penises right so it was like the size of a proper penis but it was it was a lighter hang on can i just say i love the way that you've just gone with like your finger and your thumb it was the size of a proper penis poor jess just on about three inches there between your finger and your bed How big are they meant to be? This also just brings back something that Steve and I were laying in bed the other day. And I said to him, have you measured your penis recently?

And he just went, no, why would I? And I went, just out of interest, because I think if I had a penis, I'd have a little measure of it. And he went, well, if you want to, I don't mind. And then I went, I can't be bothered getting out of bed and trying to find a ruler. And then we went to sleep.

There's a lot of difference between a flaccid penis and an erect penis, though. Was this when it was flaccid or erect? We weren't in the middle of anything. It was just a chat. I'm guessing if you were in bed and you were with Steve, it probably would have been Ida Barabuna if he's lying next to you. Well... mean if you saw me getting into bed in the evenings I don't think it you'd immediately scream boner

I think if you were in bed next to me, I don't think it would be like, wow, my God. She's showing so much fingertip. Like Steve cannot, he can't cope with how many clothes that I wear to go to bed. I will wear a jumper and I will wear jogging bottoms and I wear...

socks and if it's particularly a bit chilly aka middle of may i will i'll have a hoodie jumper on and the hoodie will be up over my head i don't know how you do that i can't sleep with socks on after my feet gets like i feel like they get really claustrophobic um anyway back to my penis so yeah we went into this little shop and it was a penis lighter and when we were traveling home put it in hand luggage and oh no

It went through. Massive schlongy dildo, which was also a lighter. But we got it through. Security. We got it through. Hey, I tell you what. security in other countries quite likes and actually when you go to Europe and I love them for this oh my gosh a European airport is brilliant especially so if you're pregnant by the way when I was pregnant with Nate and we were we'd had to go through Portugal we went somewhere else

And I was treated like a big, fat, chunky, sweaty queen. They could not get enough of me. They pointed out chairs to me. They ushered me straight through security like I was proper VIP. They were there for it. Like in the UK, they're just like, get through there, chunky ass. like me go stand in that queue go stand in that queue you think about what you've done in your life choices that's what they do

Right, Luce. I feel that there's an elephant in the room. No offense that we haven't discussed yet. And this is Your Inking. So last time on the pod, you divulged that you were going off to go and get something irreversible, to be honest, like a vasectomy to the body, which is not balls because you don't have them. But you were having something that was going to be very, very tricky.

you to take back so um go on then get your tats out get your tats out get your tats out for the pod get your tats out for the pod what did you get Look, this is actually a very abstract shooting star. Just for the audio listeners, Lucy looks like she's got a squash daddy long legs on her arm. Here she is, making me feel brilliant about my permanent life choice. It's a very abstract shooting star. star and that's because shooting stars symbolize something like dreams

hope and your wish is coming true. And I just really liked that. I thought, you know what? Let's hope that that's what happens. So yeah. Also, it looks a little bit like a fairy wand as well. So you could make a wish with it. Do you know though, it would have looked, so I did put it on the gram.

And it would have looked so much better if I hadn't have ricocheted off that car in your driveway because my arm has been so bruisey. Look, I've still got a bruise here. I've still got one. You still, yeah, bruise like a peach, babe. I had like these massive bruises. along the bottom and I was like oh god that would look so much better if I had been able to walk

like a normal person. But yeah, so there we go. It's a shooting thriller and it didn't hurt. I feel like I want another one now. What are we getting? Oh, so that's kind of like your gateway tattoo and like my gateway Botox. Once you've gone there. There's no stopping you. I'm going to come back from Oz and you're going to have a full sleeve. Or a face tat. A big face tat. Yeah, go for that, please. I could never have a tattoo. Did we talk about this last week? I can't remember. Never say never.

No, because I had my hair done a couple of weeks ago and already I'm thinking that I should have done something different with it. Yeah. You know, my bangs are annoying me. My curtain bangs. So I think if I had a tattoo, I think two days in, I'd go, that was a mistake. Do you know what? I had this conversation with somebody a couple of days ago and they were saying how they didn't know if they would ever get a tattoo. I think it's once you've got something that means something.

it's different. So for example, I want to get a little, like a little lightning bolt for my Bowie, who we named after David Bowie. And that means something. And I think once you've got a meaning and it symbolizes something, it takes it away from being just like a naftat to it means something. And it's always a good talking point. Not that we ever need one. No, this is true. I've had to take our flu. So okay, backstory. And I got a bracelet from Steve for my 40th birthday.

um and at the time he'd said just pick whatever you want for your birthday babe like just whatever you want you can get so i had got this little charm bracelet from astrid and um and it was possibly a little bit more than what steve wanted to spend And I called him from the shop and I was like, I really like it. But because I had, I wanted to put each of the kids.

initials on and their birthstone as a charm um it was going to cost quite a bit more because each of the charms was 35 quid so it quite quickly it quite quickly quickly got out of hand so we had a bit of a whinge about it but he was like i'm not saying don't get it and i was like great thanks i'll get it

it so i got it and i was like love love love and i'm gonna wear it every day and it is it's proper gold and you know and it looks beautiful and i've had to take it off do my tips and it catches on everything the shape of the charms means just no matter what letter it is I think unless I'd gone with an o unless all of my kids had o names

it's going to catch on everything. I was getting, I was getting myself into positions where it was actually dangerous. My arms were stuck in things and I couldn't free myself in time. I got attached to the back of Nate's bum because I picked him up and it was on my right arm and I couldn't then free myself.

He weighs a bloody ton. He's 13 kilograms. And I had him rested on my right arm and I couldn't put him down because he was too high up and my arm was attached to him. And I was like, oh my God.

oh my god my arm is gonna snap off so it's now it's now on the kitchen table and steve hasn't noticed that i've taken it off yet after doing my girl maths just going i know it was really expensive but because i'm gonna wear it every day it's actually in a costume 0.19 pence until i die so actually I think the girl maths on it works out that basically what it would cost me and if I die in Australia it's it's not

The cost per wear is not really worked out on that one. So I'm going to see if I can maybe send it back. But because it was personalised, I don't think that I can. Maybe you could keep it as a family heirloom. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. There's massive flying here. It's a massive... I'm getting PTSD. They are protected. They are protected. Not today, Satan. Not today.

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While we get today, Luz, you big filthy bucket of loveliness. I wasn't referring to your vag, although I'm sure that your vag is full of loveliness, but maybe it's not as bucket-y. So what I decided was to go... in in keeping with a theme i thought we'd go aussie oh what do you think it's probably this is also probably good to know in advance oh okay yeah okay what do you think koala ears are it's big labia isn't it

it's just it's big hairy like hangy down labia that's it that hang out the side of pants because think about it you've got like the bit the man in the canoes like its nose The bald man in a canoe is a nose. What? I'm sorry. The what? The man in the canoe is a nose. Think about the anatomy. There's a little bald man that sits inside of a canoe, right?

Oh, my God. You see, I always think of one peanut pod. Well, yeah, same name. Think about in the night garden, Iggle Piggle sitting inside that boat. I wonder whether he is actually just a really cold clitoris. guys yeah so you got the bald man of the canoe right and then and that's all bundled inside the knickers yeah and then you've got the fluffy koala ears just hanging out of the side of it or really saggy scrotum it's got to be

Where's the saggy bit of a koala? It's ears, like flappy down at long bits. They've got big ears. Oh, no, but hang on. They do stand up on end, don't they? I'm going to put you out your misery. You are pretty much on the money. Am I? Yep. So you've been prepping for this trip, haven't you? I've been getting down with the lingo of the locals. Koala ears, a vagina so hairy that when underpants are applied, two ear-like things appear from the inner thigh.

She has a nice set of koala ears. There you go. There's James Clifton in 2005. About Sophie McCartney. I'll be seeing you soon, James. Don't worry.

parenting tale slash parenting fail parenting tale slash parenting fail oh it's our last one after my little australian hiatus um which means a break not that something in australia ate us What happened when that dingo went your baby hiatus? Go for it. What have we got this week, Liz? You're going to really like this one and it's ending this little mini break on a high, okay? Okay.

This one is Monday Night Out. Right, I'd like to keep anonymous for this story. Excellent. The reason will be revealed. A couple of weeks ago... I had a rare night out to watch Sophie in her stand-up in York. Oh. Hi, thanks for your ticket sales. Do you want to come to Australia as well? You're really keen to see it again. As a mum of four, good honour. Four. Yes, girl, get out the house. I very rarely leave for a night out before bedtime. I was giddy. My husband was not.

I'd given the children their tea, had all the pyjamas laid out on their beds, and to make myself feel a little less guilty, I got our youngest ready for bed before I left the house. Okay, good drills. All my husband had to do for our youngest was settle him to sleep. Surely that was going to win me some brownie points. I met my friends and we travelled to the theatre, had a drink in the bar beforehand and I was feeling... Yes, you did. And I was feeling very relaxed and enjoying my evening.

admittedly giving little thought to what was going on back at home. Why would you? You're out the house. You can't see him out of sight, out of mind. As we sat down before the show started... I kept feeling my phone buzzing in my little bag. In my little bag. Yeah, little bag, little bag. On a night out. Yes, I was excited about having my little bag out and not a huge changing bag.

I glanced down at my phone and could see it was an alert from the baby monitor in our youngest's room. Having faith that my husband would have it all in hand, I muted the notifications and spent the next couple of hours enjoying the funniest show I've ever seen in my entire life. Excellent. Thanks so much. I arrived back home and asked my husband how the evening had been, only to be greeted by him with a look of disgust on his face.

Our little boy wouldn't settle at bedtime, so in an attempt to get him to sleep, my husband decided that he would climb into his little toddler bed and cuddle him to sleep. Just as he started drifting off, my husband said he heard a loud squelching sound, then the feeling of wit and warmth along the top of his leg and stomach. followed by a terrible stench. Oh no. Oh, the one that smells a little bit like off dairy.

My husband said he jumped out of bed to discover that our son had done a diarrhea poo explosion, which came out of the top of his pajama trousers and seemed to cover what felt like his entire body and a large part of my husband's. My husband let out a high-pitched scream as he discovered said poo all over himself, our little boy, and the bed, not understanding how he had created so much mess.

The noise also woke up our five-year-old, who then came in to see what was wrong and give her daddy a cuddle, transferring more of the poo onto her. But wait for it. My husband was confused as to how the diarrhea poo explosion had caused so much mess. Took him into the bathroom to give him an emergency poo shower, only to discover he had no nappy on when he took his trousers off.

At this point of the story, my husband was saying how stupid he felt, forgetting to put his nappy on when he got him ready for bed. Completely forgetting that it was in fact me who dressed him. Here was me coming home feeling smug thinking I would be getting appreciation for helping bedtime to run more smoothly.

to now keeping quiet and feeling grateful that my husband has a very bad memory. To make it worse, the constant buzzing on my phone as the show started was the video monitor recording the entire event unfolding. Excellent. Including my husband leaping.

out of bed and the high-pitched noises which accompanied it. I've also kept quiet about the fact that I have downloaded this recording although it is bad to admit that if I'm having a bad day it cheers me up to watch it especially the speed that he jumped out of the bed as I've never seen him move so quickly Funnily enough, he's not keen to do another full bedtime on his own anytime soon. I feel like we need to get the video, don't we? I think we need to record yours on this.

Well, I also think what excellent sabotage that was. She's like, oh, I forgot to put the nappy on. Fedor McCurry sent him to bed. Brilliant, isn't it? absolutely brilliant thank you anonymous person oh and say we'll come to come to another show and um and do the same again brilliant Just make sure that the camera's recording it all again for take two. Love that. Well done, you. I feel that's a victory for feminism everywhere, isn't it?

Oh, so Luce, that was our last full episode in a little while because we are having our hiatus.

While I'm off touring in Australia, as much as I'd love to keep the podcast going, it's a little problematic while I'm away on a completely different time zone. So we're going to take a little break, give everybody about a month off. We're back on the 24th of... tune with the next episode so you know go away and we'll come back please you know you know and if you want to just go and listen to some cracking

old back catalogues of the podcast then you go and do that there's been some corpus over god how many months have we been doing this now it's a long time and we it's been about seven or eight months now babe So there's some corkers. Go back and you can listen to my dulcet scouse tones in your ears and Lucy's high-pitched Geordie shrieks.

and you just remind you of the good times. Mainly cackles, to be honest. Well, I'll tell you what. So why don't we choose a couple of our favourites? Oh, we could. Should we do that? We'll choose some of our faves. We'll pop them up. And so you can't be without us, can you, for a month? You can't be without us.

it's just not right and in the meanwhile though please do continue to send in your parenting fails because we will be picking them up when we return and there will be more of the same so oh let's feel a bit emotional I'm going to see you on the other side, hopefully.

If she's alive. Oh, stop it. Fuck off. Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangover. that last a freaking week from perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead I'm realizing that parenting is just living in bum worm dread happy listening to the podcast