Cocktail Vats and Impulse Tats

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

Hi everybody, welcome to another episode of the Tired and Tessa podcast with me, Sophie McCartney, a lady in her 40s. Oh, why do bad things happen to good people? Hi, Lucy with the fringe. I'm so glad you said that that was you because I really didn't recognise you with all the age and the grey hair and the wrinkles and the saggy boobs. I'm so glad you did confirm that it is actually you there. Phew!

Can I just say, though, that some things that have happened to me since turning 40, right? So it was my party. We'll discuss the party shortly. But so I'd gone to bed at four o'clock in the morning and I'd gone to bed at four o'clock in the morning because somebody wouldn't get out of my fucking house. Hang on. That person was your husband. He lives there. He's allowed to stay. He's allowed to stay. I'm talking about the legless Geordie who...

on leaving my house eventually after me trying to have palmed you off into varying taxis with other people, refusing to go, always being the last woman standing, refusing to go. I'd got you out of the house. You then proceeded to ricochet off a parked car. Wasn't even my car, by the way. that you went flying into probably put a dent in the paintwork i didn't i didn't dare look flew into this car this car hit and ran you it wasn't even moving

And then you're laying on the floor. And I do have video footage of this, which you're not allowing me to put on social media. You're laying on the floor. I actually put it up. I put it on my stories and then I quickly deleted it. I was like, because I look like an absolute bellend.

But you did have the foresight to put a gigantic pair of like short knickers on underneath your dress. So you're laying there with your silver mini dress up around your waist with your big gigantic Bridget Jones style short spanks all the way up your tummy.

with cycling shorts okay fine because you knew that at some point in the evening that you were going to fall ass over to it and everyone's going to see you're under carriage so yeah i'm there on the floor obviously being a great friend not helping you up i was just like wait let me just get my phone

this would be brilliant Instagram content and then you were gutted because you realized that you were filming it on my phone so you didn't have it yes I didn't have it and I was like the next morning I was like hey baby just send me all the pictures from the party that you took and also that video of you laying on my driveway

four o'clock in the morning. I've then had to get you down the drive once I've got you upright. And my drive's quite steep. So, and you're there tottering on your heels. Just like, yeah. Yeah. And this video of you just swaying. It's like you're on a boat, just like swaying from side to side, trying to get down into the cab. And then I've shoved you in, shoved you in and slammed the door and then tapped.

to the taxi on its way like go go go go so you finally fucked off with like last woman's done i was desperate i was desperate to go to bed from about two right hang on let me just tell you let me just flip this right let me tell you from my perspective dear listeners So what happened was, honestly, I swear to God, I booked about three or four taxis. No, you didn't. I did. And then Steve kept going.

come on, we're just going to have one more drink. We're just going to have one more. And I was like, oh, oh. And then I could see, I was like, Sophie wants to shag her husband. She wants me out of bed. I absolutely did not. I wanted to go to sleep. I wasn't shagging anything.

like Sophie was like no go in and I was like and I was like it was almost like I was torn because I was like I've got Sophie who I always do what she says and then I've got Steve who I rarely have to like sort of agree to what he asks me to do and i was like well it just feels like i should agree to keep steve happy on this occasion because him and his dad want to have another aperol spritz and i'm high to ruin this evening

No, the problem is you two together, and this is a known fact, we've talked about this before, that I should have married Jez and have had the most, like the pair of us would have just had the most boring, joyless marriage. And you and Steve should have shacked up and just had a riot. You'd be dead, to be fair. Yeah, you wouldn't have really made it far in life. Jess and I'd be there till 100, not going out, just not being aged by the sun, just not moving, just sitting there going, this is nice.

And the problem is that you two together were just an absolute nightmare because he's always the last man standing and you're always the last woman. I was going to say standing, but you weren't. You were the last woman laying down. I think you'd preempted this. I almost felt like... We were like, well, she expects it of us. So don't want to let her down. Like kind of have to give it as much as we've got because she's expecting us to stay up and drink. Cause absolute carnage.

But you've got in, you've got in the cab and then I got into bed. It was four o'clock in the morning, Lucy, four o'clock in the morning. I mean, that's late, isn't it? That's late. That is very late. I mean, we said this, didn't we? Like the preparation and the run up. And when you were upstairs in your bedroom getting ready.

ready and I came up I was like oh my god it's like a wedding day it felt like a wedding and then just like a wedding as well everybody was there and and then it just went so quick it did

And do you know what? It was nice to have a party. It was lovely to see people. But like you said, it was like a wedding. So I think everybody else had a nicer time almost than I. did because I was stressing about getting around to everybody I think I preferred so we did a similar birthday party for Steve and um because he was August so it was nice to get outside and just do it in the garden um not sex the party we've never had sex in the garden just to clarify

keeps trying to get me into his skanky blow-up hot tub that he got no thank you steve no thank you but i think i had a better time at steve's birthday party than my birthday party because again i was just free to just

go and speak to just whoever I wanted to speak to was, you know, I had my mom and dad and I had some, you know, my fake auntie was there that, you know, you feel like you've just got to go and spend time. And it's lovely chatting to everybody. It wasn't like a chore, but you're very conscious of it.

fact that you have to give a portion of time to everybody so I wasn't really drunk because of that and so by about two o'clock in the morning I'd well had enough and you were fucking me off and so was my husband and I just wanted to go to sleep

Couldn't tell. There was part of me, I was like, she wants me to go and Steve was like, let's just have one more drink. And we were like, Sophie's getting mad. Sophie's fuming. Also, I think the neighbors hated us. So the party made it onto, we have a local, you know, like love group. And my friend screenshotted me the complaint, like, you know, the thread in the morning.

party is this where is this music coming from it is so loud and I was so tempted to write underneath Ibiza beaches but I did but I thought let's not poke the bear so I was very conscious because we turned the music down after like the time that we should have turned the music down but of course we still had

stragglers in the garden you by the way you kept putting the music back on do you remember this because we turned off that we had these big massive because our friend dave he does um he sings at weddings and things so he's got this huge setup of you know all the speakers the mixing decks so we had the full scale.

ibiza nightclub setup that was going on and that was very loud so when we turned that off and we had told the name we'd invited neighbors that we liked and we'd invite we hadn't invited the neighbors behind us that we don't like um and um we told them that we told them so that was fine but i wasn't like oh Steve I was like don't take up for a drink or anything just tell them that it's gonna be happening and that's all that's all we need to know

um but you kept at this point once the big speakers had gone we'd got like the little bows you know like mini speaker and then we'd gone inside but you kept rolling about outside holding on to this speaker with the tunes pumping do you remember at what point you'd found a fellow Newcastle supporter you found one of my neighbours is from that way and he supports Newcastle you don't remember this yes I do and at some point you and him you had the chant very freaking loud on the speaker

and you go on loose do the chant can you remember the chant because I walked into this I was like what is this I was like wrestling the speaker out of your hands I was like somebody's gonna call the police any second please can you shut the fuck up What was the chant that you did? Do you remember it? You had it along the Scotswood road to see the Bladen races. Toon, toon, Blagoie Army, toon, toon.

It's Kate's favorite song. At this point, three o'clock in the morning in my quite sleepy, you know, countryside-esque village, there's Lucy going full to an army. with my neighbor maybe we should like like do a bit of a role reversal maybe you should start hiring me out for people's parties to just keep the vibe going that just keep it going keep it going i'll g everyone up

I'm not sure how many people afterwards would pay me would be the problem. They'd be like, she was great fun for the first hour. Then we couldn't get rid of her. She still lives here. She's not, she's refusing to leave. I've said to a few people though.

like I am amazed at my mature approach on Saturday night because Sophie decided to make her famous a vat of margaritas right they are infamous as opposed to famous infamous yeah anyway so I there was like a crew I was sat with a crew of the girls and there were a couple of us we were like oh let's let's have let's have one of the margs anyway good god i had half a mug right i said to your friend i said i can't have any more of these otherwise i'm gonna be on the floor in 25 minutes

And I can drink. I can drink a few margs on a night out, but I had to steer clear. Right. here's the problem with them okay because I had to bulk make them because I wasn't standing there individually making cocktails for people and I'm too tight to have bought a bar in for somebody to actually come and do this so I'd made a vat

But as my friend Tracy is my witness, okay, because she didn't trust me after the last one. So after Steve's party, Steve had said, whatever you do with those cocktails, okay, you can't do it the same as my party, he said, because... Everyone was leathered by half past nine. And when we looked at who was leathered, it was just the women.

all the blokes were all right but the women by half past nine who'd been on my cocktails were just like you know like humping trees in the garden and things it was it was an ordeal so we'd said I was gonna have to change the recipe but I protested I'd followed the recipe so Tracy is my witness watched me make these cocktails and it was by the recipe of BBC Good Food okay and we all trust in the BBC we trust right I go that's my most it's where I go to for my easy pancake recipe

okay it's it's a trusted source so I made them exactly to the letter as I did last time and Tracy was my witness exactly in fact I put less tequila in because I ran out I put less tequila but here's what I think the problem is because when you're making an individual mark and they're shaking over ice and I think it's maybe the ice disperses some of the alcohol or you would have ice in the glass sometimes as well and I just put this big vat out and the glasses were these they were empty stems

Do you know what I mean? So people were doing their own measures and the half of the drink was going into the stem. So I think that they were just having maybe four marks in one. And they were a little bit jizzy as well. They're a little bit jizzy because you were complaining there was some kind of white discharge kicking about the bottom of them. It was the lime. It was the lime juice. And you were like, did you not use fresh limes? I can't believe you used like Sif lime. And I was like...

I made a batch of margaritas for 30 people. If I had to use real limes, first off, I'd have to remortgage. Second, I'd still be there now just squeezing the juice out of them with bloody repetitive strain injury. Maurice, no, you've got bloody squeezy lime. Fuck off. Go home. Anyway, it was an epic evening. It was fun. You also made a vat of espresso martini, which I was just following you around and you were just spilling.

everywhere i was i was spilling that everywhere i was i was like bambi though when i saw the line of the grass and my big heels spilling my espresso martini so my uncle dave came my uncle my auntie soon my uncle dave came and um and he so he'd be that same age as my dad so he's like 73 circa and he was like oh I think I need to try one of your famous espresso martinis and in that moment I thought I'm gonna kill Uncle Dave this is this is gonna be on me we'll all be there

it's funeral people were like well just what happened and I'll have to go it was my espresso martini I'm so sorry but everybody who came I gave the warning I said have some ice in it only have this measure they are lethal but then of course as the evening went on and I'd had a few more drinks and people were kind of coming in a little bit later and I wasn't at the cocktail station.

you know, giving this warning. To monitor. Yeah, that message got lost in translation a little bit slash I just didn't do it. And I saw my friend yesterday who does my beauty treatments. Had microneedling done yesterday. We'll come back to that. And, yeah. her husband had fallen victim to the espresso martinis. And I don't remember them going, but that's because she'd had to remove him from the situation. Just go home. Oh my God. I can also say as well, I love the fact that...

Jack is now of an age where he was like, wanted to help in people, like get their drink, like. get glasses away and stuff. So Jack comes up to me and I went to him. I went, Jack, do you want to go and get me a drink? And he went, what do you want? I went, whatever you want. He went, oh my God, yes. So he just walked off and came back.

I swear to God, it was like a dirty pint. So I was like, and I didn't want to upset him. So I was like, okay, Jack, I'll drink this. He's the reason why you ricocheted off that car. I mean, to be honest, it was probably just a bottle of primers and grass clippings. that you had there. He earned 25 quid each in tips off people. So actually, he had a belt in time.

What a time to be a tweenager that is. Taking advantage of a load of drunk adults. Yeah, so I had my microneedling done. So I've never had this done. You'd hate it.

I've got a weird thing about little holes. And when you sent me a picture last night, I wasn't going to zoom in. Did you get little holes in your face? So... yeah teeny tiny when I really looked in the mirror but I would say on a par with how big your paws are so it's I didn't see the actual pen that they do it with that's got all the little mini

needles in but what it felt like it was a bit more painful than what I thought it was going to be actually so for those of you who don't know micro needling is it's not um it's not like an

injectable it's not having botox it's not anything's being injected into your skin this little needle that goes in and out your skin it's on like a little quick fire gun almost i imagine like tattooing in a kind of weird way breaks the breaks the top surface of your skin so you don't you know you might bleed a little bit

it's tiny it's not you know it's you know you see these vampire facials of people and their faces are like it's not that um and it's meant to trigger collagen stimulation because there's been a trauma to the skin so you're meant to get a lovely

regeneration of old skin cells that create new skin cells and a collagen boost and then you have a peel that goes on top of it that soaks into the little mini holes it's been made all over your face and then you have so you bright you're bright red after it you look like a tomato after it but I

had mine done yesterday and i'm back to normal color today and my skin feels all nice and nice and glowy so yeah so i really like it you meant it's meant to be you meant to have like quite a few of them i think every like three weeks or something for the i know can i just say

This was Sophie, like whenever it was at you first, you were like, I'm just going to dip my toe in and I'm just going to dip my toe in. I'm just going to dip my toe in. I'm just going to have a tiny, tiny little bit of Botox. I think you've been back to see her every two weeks. This is a different girl who does this. This is a beauty therapy. You can go to any beauty clinic and have a microneedling done. So it's fairly common.

thing um but yeah you I don't know how you'd like it because it feels like this is what I said to her when she was doing it feels like um you know when you get your Christmas ham and your face is being scored I feel like going across my face I was like it feels like I'm a Christmas ham like you know you're doing the crisscrossy you know thing on it that's why it that's what it felt like

But I got some vouchers for my birthday of all my gals. That's all I wanted. People said, what do you want for your birthday? They said, just eternal youth. Because, yeah, I did dip my toe. I did dip my toe. And then my toad came out looking five years younger. So I was like, yes, fucking boys.

I've not told you this, but guess what I'm going to get done this afternoon? Are you going to get your cuff stuck to your muff? Are you having a wax? No. Have another guess. Have another guess. You're not getting some Botox done, are you? Nope. Oh. I am getting a tattoo. Fuck off. I am.

You're getting a tattoo. Stop it. I've already got one. Yeah, that doesn't count. It looks like you've got a fly that got squished underneath your watch strap for that one. I can't believe that you're only breaking this to me now. No, I know. What and where? Well, I'm going to get a full sleeve. Fuck off. Okay, I'm not. You're the second person. It could be my face like an Amy Winehouse on your arm.

no so um me and my friend when we when we when we turned 30 we both got matching these ones and then we were like right she's just turned 40 Lars and she was like let's do we were like let's do one for our 40th anyway so I messaged her yesterday going, oh, we really need to get these tattoos sorted. Otherwise we're going to be 50. And she went, yeah. So then she goes, I've booked us in for 15 tomorrow. And I was like.

And she was like, so we've got to decide, and we've got to decide tonight what we want. Oh no, no. See, right. This sets my anxiety and indecisiveness into complete overdrive. There was, and this is, you know. One of the many reasons, one of the many, many reasons as to why I don't have any tattoos on any part of my body, because I look at a pair of jeans I bought last week and I go, I don't fancy them anymore. So if I, you know, how long it took me to get sofas in my living room, by the way.

think back to sofa gate that was running on about three years for me to pick some sofas if I was having something be permanently etched onto my body No, thank you. How many dresses did you order from Nadine Murabi? Yeah. I've got to send them back, by the way, the ones that I haven't worn because I'll get charged. I'll get to send them back. Thank you for reminding me of that. A lot. And that was just to stand in my garden for three hours. The absolute.

mental ordeal that I went through because I'm just I get crippled by indecisiveness it's it's it's you know it's something I really struggle with it it's an issue but you are a little less that way inclined so what have you gone what you get and you get the kids oh my god let me guess are you getting like the kids initials into something we're gonna get the chinese symbol for friendship and harmony

No, I'm not going to tell you. I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait. The big reveal. Oh, tune in next week, guys, to see what Lucy with the Fringe got. Is it going to be a Fringe? It's a fringe tattoo which might just look like out of context just look like pubes. I have to say. It's quite hard to agree on a tattoo in a very short space of time when there's two of you. Oh my God, babe. I've been trying to organise a girl's trip away.

And the indecisiveness that's come of where everybody wants to go on holiday for three days, I can't imagine the WhatsApp group discussion that would come of having to decide what... tattoo. Right, we need to put this out to the listeners. Has anybody else done this? Has anybody else got matching tattoos with their friends and then they've had to decide what they're going to get? Let us know.

It's so funny you should say that because I was with my friend Emma this morning and she was telling me, I was telling her, I was like, oh, I've got to go get a tattoo. And she said, oh, she said, did I ever tell you about the time that I was in Peru and I got a tattoo on a dance floor? Oh my God, snot just came out of my mouth. Quite cold. I was like, sorry, what?

And she was like, yeah, she said me and my friend were in Peru. And it was when she was traveling. It was the late 90s, early 90s, you know, proper. Right, yeah. Nobody cared about hygiene. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so she said that her and her friend were...

some rave and there was somebody doing so they they got the reason i said so she got the chinese symbol for uh what was it chinese symbol for strength right because they were climbing the inca trail the next day so they were like right let's get straight Machu Picchu? Is that Machu Picchu? I don't know. I think it might be similar. I'm not sure. Okay, I'm not good at geography. Better at funny stories about my friends. Anyway, so anyway, she said that she got this Chinese symbol for strength.

because they were like right well that'll get us up the mountain whatever it is she said woke up the next day missed their alarm so they'd miss the bus so then they were like oh well we got a tattoo for it we've got a tattoo we've got a tattoo oh Maybe that yours should be something, you know, as deep and meaningful as that, but maybe about just being, you know, getting through the party, just getting through the marg. Strength and resilience in the face of Sophie's margaritas. Maybe that's it.

I'm so intrigued. I'm so intrigued as to what you're going to get. Is it Sophie? It's Sophie. It's an SM. I'm sure Loss would love that if I was like, okay, I've decided I'm going to get an SM for Sophie. You're just going to have to wait and see. I did draw it on my arm last night. I had like 20 minutes because I'd been out and I got in and Loz was like, we need to send our design tonight so she can prep it. Where are you getting it? On the other wrist?

oh god i thought you made a way i was like in the tattoo parlor i'm not telling you I can't cope with this. Have you ever seen those reels where it's like, come and get my hair done with me. I do come and get my tat done with me. Yeah, then you'd get loads of views on that. Fuck it, I might have to go and get a tattoo just for Instagram reel views.

I just thought that real I did about what should I wear for date night went off. Oh my God, what should I get for my tattoo? Maybe that's, maybe that'll go off. Get myself on TikTok, go viral. I could do like a slow reveal. It's like, what's it gonna be? What's it gonna be?

just because she draws it bit by bit by bit be like is it gonna be this so yeah watch this face watch this face or watch this face maybe you're gonna go for full-on prison tats on your face I'll be there a little teardrop for every person I've killed

Good luck. Godspeed. So one of the things I've noticed now that, by the way, I'm just... in my 40s I think this is the most upsetting part of turning 40 because on your birthday it's like oh you're 40 and then the next day you're just in your 40s aren't you and you know that's you're just an old lady in their 40s and this is what struck me so having gone to bed at four o'clock in the morning and I got up the next day um

I sounded like this. I was hoarse as, I was full of cold, just dripping. And I've felt unwell ever since. I've currently got a shoulder injury that I might have whinged about in the past, but this is kicking off 10 times more than it. did when I was 39 still it aches it's gone down to my elbow I'm just in a world of pain with it I've got a sore throat I've not been to sleep before two o'clock in the morning now in about five days because I can't sleep

Just can't sleep now. And that's what happens. I keep getting up for wheeze more than normal as well. And honestly, this has happened since I turned 40. It was like Kevin and Perry, you know, on the dot of midnight. And there I was just uncontrollably weeing and sneezing and complaining about how much my bones ached at 40. And have you started carrying a tissue in your cuff?

Presents to Lucy a tissue audio viewers. Keeping up the cuff, babe. Jessica, that is such an old person. Thanks. My mom always has a tissue or big cough. Always a tissue. Speaking of, I think a part of the reason obviously is because you'd be...

like you it's stressful organizing a party right and also it's been stressful because i've had to book time in your really busy schedule today um haven't i because you're also busy working it's quite nice what you're doing isn't it do you want to

Yeah, I'm having a very glam media day. I'm doing a press junket for Pizza Express. I mean, if I'm going to do a press junket, I'm going to do it about carbs, right? I feel, you know, imagine if I was having to do it for something really boring, whereas actually Pizza Express were like, will you spend a day talking about how good... our pizzas i was like okay it's so perfectly timely for everything that has been going on

It's about kids' birthday parties and about how stressful it is organizing a kid's birthday party. And they provided me with a load of research on this, a load of stats from some research that they'd done. And this actually made me laugh. four out of five parents that they asked said that organizing their children's birthday party was the most stressful thing about parenting. Oh, I thought you were going to say the most stressful thing they'd ever done in their entire lives. Well, I mean...

to be fair i mean when you look at parenting as a whole which takes over pretty much all of your life to say that you know this is the most stressful part that's quite a bold statement now isn't it and um and then three quarters of them said that organizing a kid's birthday party was more stressful than their day job i can see why though i think certain mums go cray cray when it comes to like and the amount of money that you can spend when you just so

Yet the average is 350 quid per kid's birthday pot. And that's a lot. And I know probably... I will have spent more than that in the past. Kids entertainers probably going to be 150, 200 quid. And then you pay for all the food and everything. Then you hire, I mean, you're talking at least 50 quid to hire a soulless, you know, community center or church hall. More. Yeah.

say outfits balloons the whole rigmarole of it it's a lot of money in it but yeah quite a stressful venture but the the reason the pizza asbestos have done this research is because actually you can do pizza making parties at pizza express and actually what a good idea that is it's a much easier much easier isn't it just throw your kids into pizza express one because it's a licensed venue

You're not getting that in the community hall, are you? Or the church hall? You can't be sitting there with a Peroni in the corner, just like see you losers. And two, so they do everything for you. So the kids make their pizzas. And I don't know about yours, but my kids are dead fussy. So Evelyn likes a pizza, but she...

doesn't like a pizza with cheese on and this is problematic um for most places because pizzas come with cheese on it's quite an integral ingredient on the on the pizza making process not for my daughter absolutely not not today

get away from me with your cheesy pizza so she in theory could just go and just have a base with some sauce on and some pepperoni and she'd love and she'd eat that and it's not you know wasted money because you do get picky eaters don't you and picky eaters and also the kids that have the special dietary requirements and this is

There's no shade on them because obviously they need them. But if you're trying to cater... for a party the kids have got loads of different allergens I find that dead stressful because I'm worried more for that child and you know I had this the other week we had a friend whose daughter came around and she had a peanut allergy now I knew the food that I'd cooked I hadn't put peanuts in it, but the fear that I'd somehow had some kind of mental...

blockage or I just blacked out for a minute and I'd gone to the cupboard and just poured a whole tub of peanut butter in and I hadn't realized it just sent me west and I was so stressed about it so knowing that I can take my kids to Pizza Express and there is somebody who is legally responsible for that not

to happen makes me feel better do you know what happened the other week I was um I was back home seeing some of my school friends and one of my school friends son has got a peanut allergy so we were talking about getting together and we'll go to someone's house and so my friend was like can you just if you're bringing cakes just make sure like there's no peanuts and we're like oh we were all like so vigilant like yeah absolutely anyway i was running late

We get there and I thought, you know, I'm just going to take my breakfast with me. So we get there and we're all sitting down to have a coffee. Anyway, I was like, I'm just going to eat my breakfast. Hope you don't mind. Anyway.

So I open up my Tupperware of my favorite breakfast that is from Brad. Which I know what that is. Which is yogurt, some berries, some honey, and a massive... ladle full of peanut butter so anyway I'm meeting this my friend Carly was like oh what's that that looks good and I was like yeah and then my friend Bryony looked at me and she just said what's that and I was like so it's um yogurt

Peanut. She was like, keep that away from my son. And I was like, oh my God. So then I had the absolute fear that we had opening all the windows and all this. I had the fear. that I was going to kill, I had to kill the child. I just, honestly, I was so good with the cakes. Well, this is like us also. Lovely Sam Avery, comedian Sam Avery, who supported me mentally and actually physically at my shows. He did a lot of my support acts on the tour. And his lovely wife.

Rach, who I'd never met before. I mean, God love her. She has lent me her husband for just months now. And she'd finally come to a show. We were in, where were we? We were in York. And so she'd come and she's got a peanut allergy. So we knew that Rach was coming. is going to be backstage the week before we were like okay not free dressing room we're not going to have anything it's all going to be really safe and we don't miss

And then we ordered a takeaway, didn't we? So we'd had the not-free dressing room. And anyway, we did double chicken satay and she's arrived just as I'm putting a chicken satay dipped in peanut butter into my mouth. And I went, but I realized as she walked in and then...

god love her I was like stay back and she had to stay on the other side of the dressing room where we tried to dispose like a bomb we had to try and dispose of the peanut butter and get it past that couldn't hug her I couldn't like give her a kiss I was just like oh I'm that twat sophie nice to meet you oh god i felt so bad about it and i need to manage i got some peanut m&ms yeah

Hashtag fail all round, guys. Oh, my goodness. Anyway. Oh, so I've got more faith in Pizza Express that they wouldn't do that. So I'm more faith in Pizza Express than I have for myself. So book your kids in for Pizza Express party, guys.

They can make their own pizzas and you can just sit in the corner and get tanked if you so desire. Whatever is your preference. Urban Dictionary Corner. Urban Dictionary Corner. A little mix-up again today. What do you think? I want Mariah. Oh, I'm done. Hi, right, Urban Dictionary Corner.

I feel like there's a strong chance you're going to get this one right. Challenge accepted. Sophie McCartney, what do you think a tip slip is? T-I-P. A tip, not a tit. Tip. Oh. this could be quite inappropriate but is it when you're in a restaurant and you pay the bill and you don't fancy putting a tip down and maybe you don't have the money with you so if you were a man

and you might say um i don't have a tip but do you want me to slip it in instead so you have a you're gonna just like have a shag in the toilet as a tips tip slip I'll slip it in you. 10%, 20% or the full amount. Let me know how much of the slip you want as your tip. Maybe that's it. Oh, okay. No, I'm retracting. Now I've thought about it. Now I've said the words tip slip repeatedly. Is it when you're having sex with somebody and just the end goes in and it doesn't count?

Didn't go fully in. The tip just slipped in. It was a tip slip. I retract my statement of people just knobbing off waitresses in bathrooms and restaurants to it being when you are, you would just put the tip in. That's a tip slip. I love that. I think that's what it should be. Is it not that? It feels like a wasted opportunity, to be honest, if that's not what a tip slip is. Right, okay. Well...

It's close, but it's not right. A tip slip is the male equivalent to a tit slip. Oh, like a Janet Jackson. Oh, but the tip just slipped. Oh, how unattractive. How unattractive? It usually occurs when a male is in boxes and the tip slips out the flap.

Could you imagine, though? That would really freak me out, just looking down and just being like, oh, my God, there's like a hairless vole that's sticking out of your box of shorts. Just like... I mean a nipple is a nipple is semi attractive as a slip isn't it but you don't want to see the end of a penis peeking out at you with its one eye just like what's it doing what you looking at bro

come and have a go if you think your eyes enough but not if it's only slipping out the little gap oh my god it's when it be poking out the top that's when it's come and have a go if you think your eyes enough when it's creeped out and it's grown all the way to the top of the waistband and it's like hello Like a periscope. Some of the doctors they use around. Right, Luce.

What have you got for me this week on a parenting tale slash parenting fail? Parenting tale slash parenting fail. Okay, so it's an anonymous one. nice um i'm gonna call this one the bookworm okay okay so i actually got this as a dm so it's i like the way it's positioned it's really funny okay

Oh, my days. I have a major mum feel for your pod. Strong start. Strong start. Yeah. Please keep me confidential, though, as this is quite embarrassing. I love reading. I absolutely love it. And I read all sorts of books all the time. I usually stick to a Kindle or a physical book, but dot, dot, dot. My friend recommended a book by Sarah Jane Mass called A Court of Thrones and Roses.

Oh, the lesser known of the Game of Thrones books. But I was quite busy with work and life, so decided to listen on Spotify. It was all fine. A very enjoyable book until today. Well... The book got steamy. Not a bad thing. We all love to imagine a six foot old guy who owns a castle and whatever. Uh oh. Anyway.

I was at home and I usually leave my big, great sound quality, quite loud headphones on the kitchen island. Oh no, I feel where this is going. As I only use them when I'm out and about. I change to my earbuds when I get home.

So I was happily listening to this lion shifter guy going all feral on this girl whilst I was folding laundry in my bedroom and it turns out... that the other headphones were blasting out the very steamy and yes very detailed and then it says please kill me audio in the kitchen where my 14 year old son was making a snack. I mean, if it was a four year old, you could have passed that off, couldn't you? But oh my word, a 14 year old.

He came into the bedroom to tell me something weird was coming out of my headphones and brought them to me. I wanted to die. But with a poker face, I said, no, no, darling, I'm just listening to Radio 1. Fucking stupid Spotify. I will read the next book on my Kindle like a normal book perv. So my 14 year old thinks his almost 40 year old mother is a total perv as I am 100% sure he didn't believe my bluff. Book is good though. Winky face.

so I then was like I need to go and research this book right and I had a look and I did my little research and I've got an excerpt Bear in mind, it says, A Court of Thorn and Roses series is by far one of the spiciest young adult series out there. Oh, young adult. Yes, yes. And she said that this is actually a more tame quote. But here is the quote that I discovered. His kiss that time was deep and thorough, unhurried and intent.

I let the dawn creep inside me. Let it grow with each movement of his lips and brush of his tongue against mine. Oh, I mean, not... That's not the spiciest of quotes, but yeah, so that's the kind of thing that was blasting out for headphones. The 14-year-old was like, oh, who am I going to let my dawn grow inside of? So there we go.

There we go. Also, it's more of a parenting tale, but I've been saving this. I haven't told you this yet. So last Friday, I was in the car with Kit and we were listening to CBB's podcast, right? So rock and roll. So rock and roll.

listening to jojo and gran gran um anyway so kit's like is that my gran and i'm like no so then we start talking about gran and gran being old and then we she was asking about like where great granny was and i was like well great granny died and then he was like but when and i was like before you were born where and I was like well she was in a house in Ireland I said granddad was with her

all right, what happened then when she died? And I was like, oh my God, I'm so not ready for this. So I kind of said, well, when people die, lots of different things can happen. Some people get buried. And he was like, mommy, I don't want to get buried. And I was like, That's all right, darling. It's a conversation for when you're older. Don't worry about it just now, he said, because I don't like soil. He said, when I die, I want to be in the snow.

oh oh oh gosh god love him keep him nice and fresh it would it would maybe maybe preserve him and preserve him a little bit longer like you know like those mammoths that they dig up you know, from back in the, you know, in the proper prehistoric-y, so-an-agey day. Exactly. Oh, God, love him.

So that's another episode done and dusted for this week. Thanks for coming along and listening, guys. And if you've enjoyed what you have heard today, fear not, we shall be back again so soon on Thursday with a little snackette with our finger blast from the past and, of course, back with...

our main episode on a Monday. And if you would like to send your parenting tale slash fail into us, you can do so by sending it to tidertested at acast.com. And if you are lucky enough to have had a very awful thing happen to you as a parent, you'll be fortunate then to get a iconic London triple threat mascot. that will send you if we read out your parenting tale slash fail so you know every cloud and all that

See you next week. Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.