Campervan Fevers and Broccoli Beavers

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hand gophers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

So, g'day, everybody, and welcome to another episode of the Tired and Tested Podcast with me, Sophie McCartney. Should I never do that ever again? good eye and whenever I try new Aussie um then my I have to do it with a double it's the same as when I do a um Northern Irish it's the same as my Northern Irish I have to I have to give myself a double chin and look like the guy. Do you remember in Men in Black?

do you remember the guy who well it's the cockroach who comes down to earth and he kills the man and then wears him like a skin and he's like that's what i look like when i try and do an australian or New Zealand or a Northern Irish accent. So hi, everybody. You might be wondering why I'm talking in such comprehensible... Aussie tones and Kiwi tones, it's because I've only gone and bloody launched me tore down under strength, you flaming allies.

Very, very exciting at least. It is very exciting. I think we're a little bit hyper, aren't we? We're a bit hyper. We are. The demand was insane when you announced that you were going on tour in the UK. It almost felt like there was a sort of a posse of expats maybe. And they were all just desperate for you to go to Australia. I'm not saying that the people are funny, but I've got it oddly. I've got a pocket.

of people who follow me in Australia and New Zealand. Well, one would hope because otherwise going there on tour makes zero sense whatsoever. But I've got more followers in Melbourne and Sydney. They're doing Manchester and Liverpool, like randomly. So I thought, do you know what? Let's get this in. Let's take three children on an aeroplane and head down under. What's the worst that can happen? You're really going to regret this. This work trip is going to be chaotic.

I know it is but you know right this is where my brain was and I am now massively regressing my life choices but I've already told the kids and Steve about this obviously imagine if I hadn't and then be like bye But when I was telling them about it and I was like really upselling Australia, New Zealand, and the kids didn't want to go because they were scared of the sharks and the spiders and the snakes and everything. And I was like, valid. Okay. Everything there will try to kill you.

But I was like, oh, it's fine. It's fine. Mommy and Daddy have been there before. We survived. It was all fine. We'll find. And I've solved in this dream of Australia and New Zealand. And this is because I thought that when I was going to be doing the tour. that I was going to be away for weeks and weeks and weeks. I thought, well, I'm going to be, you know, I don't know what the theatre availability is going to be like. So it's potentially this tour could drag out over.

three weeks and I don't want to be away from the kids especially Nate Jobs because he's too little so I'm gonna have to bring them all with so when we routed the tour we planned this all around our kids half term because we get two weeks for the half term at the end of May so this whole tour has been planned around

the fact that the kids can come with me and then we got the tour dates through and thinking right this is going to be spaced out over three weeks and made such a good life call taking my children with me it was spaced out over six days For six days, I'm literally bouncing from one city to the next city. Just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Australia done. I could have flown out on my own and had a lovely time.

I could have been away. I could have done all the things I need to see. Got a mate who lives in Brisbane, spent a few days there, got on a plane, could have flown home. No, no. I've now got to take all of my children and my husband with me.

So now what I've started to do is I've kind of started to just drop like little hints to Steve. And I'm like, oh, I mean... really I would have saved so much money if you and the kids weren't coming and keep saying to me Sophie it sounds very much like you now don't want us to come with you and I'm like no

No, it's not. It's not, of course. I want you to come with me for 22 hours on a plane to the other side of the world. And then you're just going to be, their holiday for a week is just going to be getting on and off aeroplanes.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I don't know. Anyway, it's going to be a really exciting experience for them as well. So yes, so the plan is because I'm now going to be in Australia for three weeks. So a week of doing the shows and then we're going to tour around and see the sights of Australia. I'm going to get into New Zealand a few days early, try and do as much of New Zealand that I can do before we do the show in there, then fly out Australia.

do the shows and then do some sightseeing. But you know what Steve's already suggested? And I just can't cope. Take this, man. I could cope with that. No, he suggested an RV. He was like, so if you know the only good way to do this, then the best way for us to see Australia is for us to get an RV. I was like, no, no. Would you like to refresh the memory of those?

oh my god new list new listeners that haven't heard of the army oh okay yeah so um last for Steve's 40th we went we did an American road trip and and it was his dream his dream to get a proper American style RV and drive around the west coast of america and we did that and we all got covid and it was a shitty shitty camper van it wasn't even a good one proper bollocks inside of it it was all just walnut brown just everywhere i looked was brown

opposite there was no variation it was grim i remember when you said oh we're going to america and we're going to get an rv and i'm thinking is she on drugs like has she got any idea which and you were thinking an amazing incredible Oh, you know, you see these ones, don't you, that've got wings, like pop out wings on them that have double bedroom. And when Steve kept talking to me about the bedrooms, I didn't realise.

bedrooms in Steve talk was like a coffin above the steering wheel of the front. And then at the back, there was just a curtain that went across, that just went across. And there was like a weird, like a birthing bed, like a plastic birthing bed. And yeah, we all got sick. We got 80 chops. To be fair, I don't know if it was COVID because we didn't do tests.

but I've never been so ill in my life neither is my mother-in-law it lasted forever as well it was about when I I had it for about four weeks after we got back as well I was so ill I've been the plague possibly we went to the Grand Canyon and I've been holding it together because I was like try just try and hold it together this is for Steve's birthday this is like a once in a lifetime thing we're not we are not coming back to do this again

Just, just, you know, don't whinge, don't complain. And Steve's dad had taken a really, he had the key to get into the camper van. And we just, so we'd gone out, we'd gone out to the Grand Canyon and because we were there in June.

And so the weather, it was warm, but it wasn't roasting. And once the sun drops, it gets really cold, especially out in the canyon. So I'd been out because I was sweating with a fever and just a vest top. And I had pants on as well, like on the top, I had a vest top on, had taken a car date. We got back to the camper van.

And at this point, I was starting to convulse with the cold and the illness. And Steve's dad had the key and he wandered off to go look at an interesting squirrel. And at this point, I lost my mind. I just started bobbing. Sobbing uncontrollably. You know when you look at a child and they're so tired they lose their shit.

and that was what I was like I was so tired and I was so ill and Steve's dad was off looking at fucking squirrels instead of opening the doors of the camper van and so then once inside I had to take myself away So I could cry. You know, when you just, you know, when you just need to sob for yourself, but there was nowhere to go. So I had to go in the girlfriend.

sit on my birthday bed at the back, pull the curtain across, and then just weep. You know, when you're like a child, and you weep like that. And then, like, poor Steve's mum and dad were just making a cup of tea on the other side of the curtain. I will never forget these, the updates that you were sending me and you were like, literally, I was like, oh my God.

But I was living for these updates. And I think I just kept sharing them with all my friends. Like, guys, check out where Sophie is. And it was like, look what's happened now. Look what's happened now. And it was just kept on. It was like a domino effect of absolute. horrors and it was oh my god and when you showed me a picture when you got to the army and it was literally this old battered caravan

And it was like in the middle of a desert. And I was just like, it was, it was breaking bad. It was where she is. Walter White. Walter White. They're cooking up some meth.

might have made it more fun yeah it was yeah it was just it was it was diet and you know what i was whinging about it and i kept getting messages off people on instagram oh my god like stop whinging you're on like the most amazing holiday that you some people will never be able to do this you're just whinging about it and I was like yes I fucking am whinging about it all right because yes

I have, you know, I'm very fortunate that I've been in the position where I've paid for this, but I've paid to be miserable for three weeks. And that was the kicker. Yeah, the amount of money that you'd spent on being sad. Yeah. Yeah, and having this once in a lifetime trip and I couldn't complain about it.

to Steve because it was his birthday and I was like the biggest boss kill in the whole land it was a real something so when Steve suggested that we basically do that trip again but in Australia I was like no absolutely not it's not even in a year Steve let the wounds heal let the wounds heal before you get me in another fucking army You've been to Australia. I've been to Australia once before. You've been to Australia before. Yeah, I've been to Australia and New Zealand.

it's been a long time since it's been a long time it's been I'm a yeah a red hot minute I mean Steve and I we were married we went a year after we got married we jacked our jobs in and we went traveling and to be honest it was quite soul destroying because we were 26 27 and all the kids because they were kids that were out there doing the same kind of trip as us they were all 18 yeah these little posh twins

and they were like oh my god you're like the mom and dad of the group fuck off always been brandished just a mom at 26 fuck off um but yeah we do you know so we flew we'd gone so we did um We've been in Fiji. And Fiji is all very, you know, you do the island hop. Have you been to Fiji? No, babe.

It's incredible. If you've not been to Fiji, go to Fiji. Everyone needs to go to Fiji at some point in their existence. I'll maybe do that this weekend. Okay, cool. Yeah, just hop off. It takes a while to get there, but once you're there, it's beautiful. And so we've been island hopping.

when you look back you think how did we afford this we when we first got our first jobs down in london i think i was on about like 12 grand a year or something i just don't know i don't know how we afforded this but somehow we managed to scrimp and save and we'd bought these tickets and off we went anyway so we've been in fiji And then we went from Fiji, which was all sunshine, island hopping, to New Zealand. And it was winter. And we just arrived with tans and shorts, just straight into.

minus degrees and my husband is um well he's known for liking to save a penny or two but oh my god this is where it started i can now just see how my life has panned out because he got us an rv He contested this army in New Zealand. this is this RV I know it was it was the first experience of it that he'd kind of managed to get me into and um and we've got in this RV and because he likes to save a penny or two he'd done his extensive research on the best one and you know what the name was

was of the company, of the RV that we picked up. I don't know a coin. Cheaper camper. I don't know why when I got to America, I thought I was going to be getting something better when he actually made me travel around New Zealand in a camper van by company. Cheaper camper. And it was cheaper as well. Cheaper camper. Did it have a little sign on that said, if this RV's rocking, don't come a knocking. It's rocking because my wife is strangling me and I'm resisting the only way.

So anyway, so we toured around New Zealand. And so we did the North Island and we did the Bay of Islands, which is beautiful. It's up on the North Island. And so we got on this ferry to go and do this day. trip you see go you see these islands and there's whales and all this kind of stuff and i i don't like boats i get very seasick as we've noted cruises for me would be my absolute idea of hell but again

Steve was like, we're here, we've got to do it. So off we go, we go in this boat. And I could see all these wetsuits hanging up in the boat. And I was like, well, I was like, Steve, what are they for? And he's like, that's for the swimming with dolphins part. I was like, sorry, the what? It's like swimming with the wild dolphins. Remember, it was winter in New Zealand, just to circle back to this fact. So I was like, okay. So anyway, both stops. It's choppy AF.

Doesn't look, the sea doesn't look like how I'd have thought the sea would look. It was black. It was just like jumping into this inky void. freezing as well the wetsuit for me was far too big so the second that i got into the ocean it just filled with water it's like drowning slowly just started sinking into the depths

Like, you know, those back in the day, the first ever diving suits and they were cast iron and they were just sent to the bottom of the ocean. That's what I look like. Just about to sink into the ocean. Steve gets in behind me. Now, again, to also set the scene, right, because I'm a swimmer. I was in a pool. I could get to the side and I'm fine. You know, I was never going to win gold medals or anything. Steve used to swim for his county. So he's an amazing swimmer, right?

Just bobbing slash slightly sinking into the ocean. And suddenly, these four fins go past us. Four fins. Yeah. Did it, did it, did it. These guys start shouting. And I'm like, what? What are we shouting?

just treading water just trying to keep alive and in my brain i'm going they can sense fear they can sense fear like don't be scared don't be scared am i on my period oh my god have i got tampon in like the absolute fear of the minute so they're like gonna put your head under the water heads under the water I can't see shit I can just see like gray things circling I was like I'm gonna die this is it right

Anyway, Steve then starts to rough. He's like, come on, Soph. Here's the dolphins. Let's go. So I'm like, so I'm trying to doggy paddle after dolphins, right? I don't know if you've ever tried to catch a dolphin. Not in a tuna sense. They're quite tricky to pin down. They're tricky to pin down. Can't see Steve anymore. He's just off. He's just like, Steve is living his best life. Like a fucking meh man.

After these dolphins, I'm now on my own, right? On my own. Nobody else is around me. There's still a few fins I can see bobbing around in the distance. From behind me on the boat, some sensible fucker who'd decided not to get in said, to the person who was running the day trip. Do you not get sharks in this area? To which I hear the man say, yes, we do, but I can't remember when the last attack was.

Just flapping around. I've then swallowed so much seawater. I've had to tap out. So I've like got back to the boat, crawled back onto the boat. Steve's then come back. I'm like, oh my God, it's the most amazing, wonderful experience. I feel so at one with nature. Boat starts off. Off we go again. Because I have swallowed the entire... ocean I then spent the rest of the trip projectile vomiting in a corner right and there's this really iconic bit of the trick

but this is a big rock that comes out of the water and it's got a hole in it and everyone takes their picture inside the hole like you know like oh they're in the hole I need to put this picture up of me uh on for the for this so literally Steve pulled my head out of the bag I was being sick into.

to take this picture and my face in it I can't tell if I'm actually smiling or just the vomit's about to come back out again and I'm grimacing just like like a puppet yeah it was it was like that and then the head went back down again into the bag it was

Fuck awful. So I probably won't do that trip with the kids. I won't do that one. So that was the North. We did all the bits of the North Island. Then we went across to the South Island. Now we were probably about... I don't know, like four miles onto the South Island, right? We're in the arse end of nowhere. So this is, it's very vast. It's about the same size as the UK, but population is about 4 million, as opposed to however many, or 66 million, whatever we are here. So, you know, you...

From town to town, city to city, there's really not much in between. It's beautiful, the most beautiful scenery. But we're driving along and suddenly Cheaper Camper suddenly starts making a bit of a funny noise. Steve's like, oh, I'm looking at him like, you fucking knobhead. What, you've bought some shit? Well, not bought, we've loaned some shitty camper van that's about to break down. Anyway.

The clutch just drops out of cheaper camper. So we're then stranded on the side of a road just thinking, oh my God, we're going to die here because there was no cars, no nothing. It's winter. It's snowing.

Steve's like well the only option is we're going to have to hitchhike and I was like in my head I'm thinking these are all the things that my mum told me not to do when I came on this trip and here we are Steve here we are so we're there hitchhiking at the side of the road um just waiting to be murdered just waiting for a Netflix documentary to be made out of us 20 years later by the way this is the same trip

where we started in America and stayed at the murder hotel. Our brushes with death thus far, unbeknown to us, had been quite high. It's the way hitchhiking. My kids are never going traveling. When they go, mommy, I want to do a gap year. I'm like, fuck off. No, you can't. So we're hitchhiking. Another RV pulls up, admittedly substantially nicer than ours. And it was this elderly American couple. So I was like, okay, I feel like they're not going to kill us. So they're like, hey, guys.

What's happened here, partners? I know. So in we get, I'm going to go to Wanaka, which is the nearest town from where we were, which was miles away as well. So in we get. As we're driving along and they're telling us, you know, all about their amazing trip to New Zealand. And the reason that they're in such a lovely camper van is because the first camper van that they had, he drove it into an underground parking lot and took the roof clean off it.

There, this galvan light. Oh, not out of the woods yet, Steve. Not out of the woods.

yeah we ended up getting it fixed and i was thinking oh gosh we're just um we can maybe get a different camper van company but we didn't they fixed cheaper camber and off we rumbled again Then we went to a glacier. I can't remember. I think it might have been Fox Glacier. It might have been. No, is that a mint? That's a mint. Yes, that's a mint. But it must be. Is it an actual glacier? There's Franz Joseph. There's Franz Joseph. But it wasn't that one. There's two.

What was it? I need to Google this now. Imagine if it was. Yes, it is. It is Fox Glacier. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's why they named the mince that, although I think the little, I think it's a bear, isn't it? It is a bear. It's on a fox. It is, and I don't think, yeah, bears are nuisance. Anyways.

So yeah, so we're at this glacier and Steve again is like, come on, Soph. I mean, again, I probably should have preceded all of this by saying I'm not an outdoorsy person. I hate being in the outdoors. I also hate being in camper vans, but I hate being in the outdoors as well, in camper vans.

and um so he dragged me to go and do this walk up this glacier so we go to the base of the glacier they kick you out and all the thermal stuff um and and off you go and to get to the glacier you have to walk through the of a glacier lake. Glacial lake tends to be the most more glaciers for all the runoff. And so as I'm walking through the very shallow bit of this glacial lake, my boots have let in water. So from probably 10 minutes in, I've got ice water.

in my toes I have Raynard so I have a condition where my extremities get very very cold and get very miserable I then got to hike up a ginormous ice cube for four hours while I was crying I was vomiting like the biggest drama queen that ever ever lived it was awful and then i made see harry carry me down it was just so awful i don't know What is worse in this scenario? The actual holiday or your responsibility?

Can't work out which one would have been worse. Was it worse for you or was it worse for Steve? But yeah, I mean, so you're really looking forward to going back to Australia and New Zealand. Well, I mean, so, I mean, New Zealand, if we hadn't have been in the camper van... So Steve and I, we nearly got divorced.

as a result of this camper van. Yeah, I can imagine. So also another thing in New Zealand is that you can free camp. So you can just park up on the side of roads and you can just sleep there. I don't think you can do it as much in Australia. I think it has to be maybe more in... official sites but in New Zealand you just park up anywhere now again Steve who likes to you know watch the pennies and the pounds and look after themselves you know it was probably like 20 kiwi dollars a night

to go and into a campsite and get hookup for electricity. But he was like, we don't need that. We've got body heat. Winter in New Zealand, parked up on the side of roads waiting to be murdered and just going to bed in all the clothes that we owned in the back of this. Like Julie and friends, could I be wearing any more gloves yet?

Yeah, so my patience levels were an all-time low towards my husband. And we had this absolutely spectacular... argument like you know like the arguments to end all arguments and and because there was nowhere to go in the camper van he had to go sit by the steering wheel like to go sit on the seat at the back so to lock out the window and not speak to each other so

I would say I'm hoping that this time around New Zealand, because we won't be in a camper van, we're not going to be there for as long, and that we can stay in hotels that have heating and places to go if we fall out and want to kill each other, and that it might be a little bit... bit of a different experience for us maybe maybe but do you know what regardless of um what you get up to in your free time you're going to be with the absolute

the best people of Australia and New Zealand, because they're all going to be, all those best people are going to be coming to see you and that's going to be worth it, babes. It is. It's going to, yeah, so it's going to be super, super fun.

So we spent a bit more time in Australia than we did in New Zealand. It was warmer. By the time we'd then done New Zealand, it was then warmer in Australia. And so we had friends that lived in Melbourne, so we went and visited them and we went for a walk. So there's a mountain range kind of to the north of Melbourne called the Grampians and we'd gone out for a walk.

in in the mountains and then we're walking back we've done up got all the way hiked up to the top and we're walking back if i said to you a monitor lizard would you know what i meant absolutely not think about like gecko that had grown up watching Arnold Schwarzenegger films big fuck off lizard right absolutely ginormous so I'm like texting my mom walking down this mountain like oh having a lovely time having a lovely time yeah yeah just been for a big walk

This thing sees me, stands up. They stand up. They stand up like people, right? It's been on all fours, reared up on its back legs, right? And then ran at me. Do you remember Speedy Gonzales? This is how. this monitor lizard run at me right at me like and then like scream as well Oh my God. Oh my goodness. He stood at me, ran at me. I obviously just screamed. I lost my shit. Just stood up and down the floor, just like dancing. It's rushed past me.

skirted past me like I felt its skin on my skin and then it ran up a tree behind me but I oh my god that and to be fair though I mean that's probably the closest that I came to in Australia within counting like

Something that could have killed me. That was it. I didn't see any snakes. I didn't see any spiders. I didn't see any sharks. I only saw crocs in the zoo. But the thing is, for people who live over there, it's normal. Like bloody poms? Yeah, we're just a massive bunch of pisses over here, aren't we?

They're like, what, are you scared of a little crocodile that's going to eat you? Giveover. Well, it's like that in Florida as well. Ones in the ponds outside the front of their houses, they give them names like stray cats and things. Absolutely fucking not. No way. We are fannies, aren't we? Yeah. But I feel it's okay to be a giant fanny around a lizard the size of the Terminator.

I feel that that's fine. It's just because we're naive. We don't know enough about it, babe. So we just think that's it. They're probably more afraid of us than we are. Exactly.

So talking of reasons that you've nearly got divorced. I mean, there are plenty. There are plenty. We are both married to men who like to play with their tools and do a bit of woodwork, don't we? And aren't we? Heavy on the wood. Yeah. I am actually amazed that I've not divorced my husband because two years ago, around about two years ago, we thought we would start trying for baby number two.

yeah and in our house when we moved into our house there was a room I think they were empty nesters so one of the little rooms upstairs they had converted into a walk-in wardrobe which was ideal for me and all my clothes so

When we were thinking about Baby Dump 2, we were like, that's going to have to be the nursery. So we're going to have to get all of the clothes and shoes out of there, put it into our bedroom. So I was like, right, well, let's just get down Ikea. But Jez being Jez, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to build them from scratch. I'm going to build it from sheets of MDF or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know what they call it. You're going to build this and they will come. Yeah, exactly. So I was like, okay, you're quite busy, but as long as it's done. before the baby arrives. So he started, I'm going to say, he started planning it, I'm going to say 20 months ago, started building it maybe 18 months ago. And you remember this, right? I do remember. I was very stressed for you.

You and Jez have got something in common and that is the fact that you faff so much if I wasn't snapping behind you. telling you to do stuff you'd actually be walking backwards through like yeah we would we'd be back in the 1960s we would have regressed that far And so Bowie's due mid-December, gets to December and I've still, all of the faffing, nothing has started.

in our bedroom i'm getting a little bit nervous because whenever i'm i'm quite ocd at the best of times but as pregnant nesting i am fucking nuts when it comes to like i mean it is the way right Didn't you want to hoover your shower? I hoovered my shower. That was the day before. Cleaned the shower. Cleaned the bathroom. Gave the shower tray a hoover for good measure. I hoovered the dog. I hoovered the dog before. Her night was born. Yeah.

Dog twitches every time she sees the bloody Dyson come out. She's absolutely scarred for life. God. So anyway, a week before my due date, which was a planned section, but a week before... I'm getting carted into the spare bedroom with all of my stuff because Jez is finally getting around to actually erecting these wardrobes.

And then as days are going by and I'm like, today's the day, today's the day, nothing is changing. And I'm just like, why is this taking so long? And I don't know why it is taking him 12 hours a day to do fuck all. Right. And I was just getting so angry. I bet that went down really well when you said that to him as well.

And this is what I mean. This is, this is what I mean. And so then I was, my C-section was due for the Monday. So I was like, right, you've got, this must've been like the Wednesday. And I was like, you have got to get these finished. Like, I can't deal with this anymore. Anyway, so he's like, okay, I can do this. It's fine.

Thursday I'm in the car I get a phone call from the hospital and they're like um hi Lucy um just to let you know there's been a bit of a change of plan so we're gonna have to move your section and I'm like oh no is everything okay and they were like yeah it's just next week's proven to be it's going to be a bit busy so so um we're going to have to move your section to tomorrow to friday and i was like so anyway i get home

I get home, I walk in and just walk into the bedroom. Jez is there with all his wood, like happy as Larry. Not that kind, yeah. I've been out the house and Jez has got his wood in his hand. So anyway, I just throw my phone at him and I was like, I hate these bucket wardrobes. Because this has been like six months of pent up.

like anger about these just wanting to get them done anyway so he I've never seen the guy work as quick if he worked as quick as that honestly would be on to a winner but no so anyway he gets the shell done the clothes are in

The night before the section, I was like, right, you said, right, baby's going to come. I'm going to have some time off. We'll get them finished in January. I was like, right, okay. Baby comes. January comes. Jez gets asked if he will go and do a world tour. Great. So long story short. They didn't get touched all last year. I could live with it. I was like, okay, they're not finished, but he's on tour. So then he decides to finish it.

About three weeks ago, maybe, he decided that he was going to get them finished. I take the kids up to my parents out of the way for a couple of days so that he can get them all painted. I come back down 28 hours later. Haven't even started painting them yet. And oh my God, Sophie, this has been going on and on and on. Anyway, I can now say the wardrobes are finished after 20 months. Dear God.

Even though it was more painful than childbirth, are they now worth it? They're not worth the 20-month wait, but they are very pretty. But thanks, Jess. Not worth it in the slightest, but thanks so much. But they are fancy. Steve decided, and when I was pregnant with Nate, to build an outdoor kitchen. He decided to build an outdoor kitchen. An outdoor kitchen. And I was like, sorry, what?

And he was like, no, I've been on Pinterest and I've seen that it's a thing. I was like, right, but you don't use the indoor kitchen that we've got. So why on earth do you think that an outdoor kitchen would be an additional help?

to us in this situation so yeah i had to stand there and watching through the window and i would stand just passive aggressively rubbing my bum at the window while eyeballing him because i was on put deadline as well when i was pregnant with nate so i was like i need you in the house

in the house using the actual kitchen that we have to cook the food for the children that we do have so I can go off and write the book before my baby comes along and then of course well we all know that that didn't happen and it came early I was like fucking outdoor kitchen do you know how many times you've used the outdoor kitchen have you actually used it

We used it once and then he decided that cleaning the barbecue was too much of a faff and so we haven't used it again. No, Ed! The thing is, it's so frustrating because... They think that they are doing us the biggest favour and I'm like, no, just go to Ikea. I'm quite happy with Ikea. This is more for them. They enjoy it. It is, isn't it? It's for them. I'm not the awful wife nagging because my house is upside down. I catch Steve, like, looking on the internet of videos and I'm like, oh.

He's looking at porn. He's looking at porn. He's not. He's watching some bearded bloke on YouTube build a wall. And he's like, oh. It's their porn. It is. It is their porn. It is their porn. DIY porn.

Right, Lise, I've had to move rooms because one of the kids has just come in and I can't be doing Urban Dictionary. This happens. I feel like I've already traumatized them. Too much in their little lives with Urban Dictionary. So I've rerouted, I've rerouted. So, Luce, hit me with your best shot. Why don't you hit me with your best shirt? You don't know what that is? I've forgotten. No, I don't know if anybody's going to know that. Oh, that's an absolute 80s banger. Okay.

Ding. I don't know who it was by. It was that good. It was that good. I've got no idea who it was by. I'll check it out. Right. Urban Dictionary Corner. So we've talked a little bit about tacos in the past. Oh, yes, we have. The avocado taco, to be precise. Do you remember what the avocado taco was? Oh, God, so the avocado taco.

was that was that when uh i think it was specifically a man having sex with a woman because i don't think it worked with a man having sex with a man and definitely wouldn't work with a woman having sex with a woman um so when a man is having sex with a woman and the penis is in the vagine

And I'm saying vagine just to kind of keep it, you know, food-oriented, like a Mexican tagine. The penis is in the vagine and... are the the the the the the testicles slash avocados in the bum hole so very close it was very close so an avocado taco is when you're having sex up the up your bum bum guys haven't bum bum sex with a girl and then they put their balls inside her vagina so then the vagina is the taco and the balls are the i still do not see how it is

feasible for a pair of bollocks to get inside of a vagina they're not there's I know but they're just they're not solid enough as a structure to be inserted imagine just imagine it you know tell you what it's like tell you what it's like go on try just shoving

to i would say medium hardness poached eggs up your fanny that's the that's like you know like in terms of the weight behind them look there's not enough often the teslas to get them inside sometimes it's really hard to get a tampon in you're not going to get a pair of balls in are you i feel like you can't comment until you've tried it anyway so that was sorry right so that was the avocado right so today what do you think taco broccoli is taco broccoli

oh my god i mean it can't be referenced to the balls what do you have that's what could what could be i could see the avocado taco because the balls are like avocados out there but what's broccoli like what's Oh, no. It's not kind of the same. Oh, no. I can't believe we're going to say this. Is it maybe when... you're with somebody and this could be of any gender I reckon this this works for um and they're maybe laying on their back with their legs akimbo and you then

kind of back onto them like you're sitting in a chair yeah your pants are down yeah your anal piles are out and you try and shove them in the well and you're like you're just a bit like a bit like hang on just let me line them up let let me line them up wait wait Let's go back inside. Hang on a minute. Come back. Let's go back inside. So gross. So you're, you're, so the broccolis, your piles and your broccoli.

And then it hangs over into your tacos. It's almost as gross as what the actual... That was a fire burner, that. I tell you what. Property tacos for the win.

Okay. Are you ready for this? Prepare yourself. I'm steeled. I'm glad that I moved to a different room so the kids didn't have to see me broccoli tackling the air. Tackle broccoli. Oh God, I know this is going to be bad if you've just had to take a breath before you've... before you've gone into it it's when a woman has got gonorrhea no no i don't even want to hear it I don't want to hear it. And it's crusted onto her pubic hair. And then. And then.

And then. The context. The context. No, no. Go on. I can't. I can't. Oh, my God, Julie. You've got taco broccoli. These kids in 2010, man. 2010, I just think that the noughties was just the decade for wrongness, wasn't it?

Do you know what's been ruined for me now forever? You know, when you go to Wagamama's and they ask if you want the crispy onions on the top, that's just all I've got in my head is crispy onion on the top. Do you know what I've got in my head is when you can get like charred roast broccoli. some places and some fancy places and you know like the little florets have gone all and they go yeah yeah I actually really enjoy roasted broccoli but not now thanks

I'm shooketh, that one. A lot of them I can take, much like the roasted broccoli with a pinch of salt, but that one has just made me want to see my yogurt again, to be honest.

I've got a brilliant, brilliant, brilliant feel. Let's do the theme tune because I like it. Okay. All right. Parenting Tales slash Parenting Fails. Oh, oh. Parenting Tales slash Parenting Fails. Yeah, yeah. Added a bit to that. Just up a little bit. Yeah. What have you got, Luke? What have you got for me? oh this is a good one and something unlike we've had ever had before to be honest this is from claire in london um hi girls thanks for making me laugh every week

I'm loving the podcast. Here is one for your parenting feels. When my daughter was six we moved to London from Manchester for my husband's job. It brought my heart having to take my little girl out of school and leave all of her friends behind. However, she started her new school and within a few weeks had made a lovely group of new friends. There was a group of three of them and they started taking it in turns to go to each other's houses for play dates after school every week.

Every time I picked my daughter up from one of their homes, I always felt like something was a bit strange and I couldn't work out why. I felt like the other parents were maybe a bit nervous around me. Oh no.

One of the mums would always make a point of saying what a great job I was doing with her. It was nice of them to say, I thought, but maybe a little over the top and maybe a little bit patronising too. I was just doing what... mothers do right this went on for a while eventually i had to say that's really nice of you to say but i'm just doing what any mother would do she patted me on the arm And she said, yes, you're doing exactly what her real mother would have wanted you to do. Turns out.

My highly imaginative daughter had told all of her new friends that her family had been in a shipwreck. Her parents had drowned. I'd rescued her and agreed to adopt her. Look, this is like, did she call herself Elsa as well? I've got another sister, Anna. My hands are made of ice. Mixed maybe with a little bit of the Little Mermaid as well where Ariel rescues Eric from the shipwreck. That's amazing. Got to monitor that Disney viewing. My dad was killed by a stampede of buffalo.

Just you be careful when Nate starts school and come back from Australia. So she said, I have to set the record straight, but I must admit, I miss being treated like an absolute hero in the school playground. She said, probably just now she's an awful mother.

been happening at home that a child's had to make up such a ridiculous anecdote about it that's brilliant so good oh good oh stay away from boats so there we go so done and dusted thank you very much for listening if you enjoyed what you heard today and are

you know, feeling particularly generous and have a spare five minutes, if you'd like to go and give us a cheeky little review, that is always welcomed. And for people who want to come and see me in Australia, so sorry, tickets are now available. And for the rest of the UK lot.

um there also there are a smattering a smattering of tickets left and but it's all via the link below you can click on there and it will take you direct to tickets if you have any parenting tales and veils of course we would love them and we would love to give you that iconic london triple threat mascara so please do keep them coming

in to Tired and Tested at ACAS.com. Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hand gophers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.