Blonde Ambitions and Prank Text Missions

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used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained, one who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly. They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice an individual confident in them. They know the rules but behave as if they do not exist.

Sophie McCartney here, just casually reminding you that I am now on tour across the UK and Ireland with a brand new stand-up comedy show, One Foot in the Rave. Thank you so much to everybody who has been, who has bought a ticket at Northern Wales. Can you sort yourselves out there? Well, you never come to... north wales well now i am i'm coming to land i don't know and where the fuck are you tickets are available at lifenation.co.uk

of this season of the Tired and Tested podcast. Hello. Hi, babes. Oh my gosh, can you believe it? Another series. Another one. Another one done and dusted. This one felt like I had a little bit more structure. It did. And totally more highbrow.

I think we were coming at everybody hitting them with the important news that everybody needed in their lives. Absolutely. I think so. Well, we've got a little mag tinny, haven't we, just to celebrate. Should we do a little bit of ASMR? Right, let me fuck it up this time. Let me get ready. Right, get ready. Get your nail under it. you know three two one oh fuck i knocked it out my finger oh my god hang on wait hang on oh no oh my god

Come on. Oh, there we go. I've got that. Ow, it really hurt my finger. Look at the indentation in my finger. Oh, yeah. I've got like proper two lines in my fingers there. Cheers. Cheers. But how do you, you know when you fuck it up a little bit and somebody goes, oh, you fucked it. How does that feel? Actually fine, because it was only you. So that's all right. Okay, cheers. Room temperature margarita. That's straight out of the fridge. Six hours ago. No, like an hour ago.

it's fine though I'll take it to be honest and I do always enjoy a drink when we are in a room together we're not having a virtual podcast we're actually having a real life you and I and they're always the most fun ones aren't they should we see who can get the like part of their body in their mouth today I think that's what's last time in this very room but I did a thought I don't think you tried I did try but do you want me to do it now yeah

I've got a short... Producer Jill, turn your eyes because I've got a short skirt. Get your toes out. Get your toes out. Get your toes out. No, no one here. No one here. No one here. That's going to be a week's worth of physio for you. Yeah. Just even trying that.

He'd bill that back to you. Yeah, no worries. Tax deductible expense. So it's April Fool's Day today on the day of recording. Have you had any pranks this morning, Luce? I opened my phone and it literally was just...

brand prank after brand prank. And I used to work in PR, so I know them. It was like the best day in the calendar, wasn't it? Oh, what are you going to do for April Fool's? I mean, to be fair, some of the campaigns that we worked on were so shit, they could have been April Fool's, but very sadly, they were real life pieces of marketing master... piece from Lucy and Sophie do PR oh speaking of which look what t-shirt I've got on today oh

Bit of Adina and Patsy. Favourite comedy duo. Yeah. And the reason why I did get into my illustrious PR career, because I just liked watching Absolutely Fabulous. And that's basically what I have filled up my UCAS for. Do you know what I would love if one day we get to do... a photo shoot and we get to be Idina Rapazzi. That should have been the pod work for the art.

Let's do that one day, even if it's just for shits and gigs. Recreate it. I mean, we are, well, naturally, I mean, obviously, you've got to be Patsy, haven't you? Yeah, because of French. I mean, and also mainly just to save on wigs. Yes. Because I feel like that's, it's just an all-rounder. Although, I think I want to...

want to go more brunette what do we think i want to go like a really dark brown again for me you are just brunette though fucking hell do you know every time i go to the hairdressers right every time i always go and i go can you make me really blonde and then i come home and steve and the kids go you look exactly the same but like i've always gone oh my god thanks I love it so much and then I leave knowing it looks exactly the same here's all my money here's all my money and here's a tip

But I still look exactly the same. And it's nice. They do a good job of it, but I don't know what it is. It must just be the way that I describe what I want. They go, that's what your hair already looks like. And they just do it the same. But what do you ask for? Blonde highlights? Or do you say, I want to be blonde? I was blonde as we can get. Do you take in a picture of me? Yeah, I want that blonde. Yeah, I do.

I always do that there. They must roll their eyes there when you take them and someone turns up with their Pinterest pictures. And then you're fuming because actually at the end of the hairdressing session, you look nothing like the model. And I was like, no, I just wanted to look like that 20-year-old woman on Pinterest. Apparently it's all AI now, the old Pinterest picture. though so it's like they make up the hair colors it's not actually

apparently, like, obtainable if you go to the salon. But the thing is, they wouldn't be able to make you blonde in one session. So if they're saying, yeah, of course, I'll make you really blonde today, they're lying to you. No, but the thing is, I've got so much blonde. This is a really non-interesting chat for the podcast. I've got so much blonde.

my hair they could lift it it just maybe this is maybe it won't lift anymore maybe this is it this is my blonde ambition maybe it's just meh it's mousey ambition just just just go dark again just go yeah and then at least you know you're dark at least I've done something different exactly fucking hell

But yeah, April Fool's Day. April Fool's Day. April Fool's Day. So I knew this morning I was going to be in a world of pain with April Fool's Day because my children were plotting. They're the peak age, aren't they? But you know, I actually thought they'd forgotten about it and I thought Jack specifically had forgotten about it. Evelyn just...

So she was going to bed. She was sneaking around the house, giggling to herself, like laying booby traps everywhere. I was like, what are you doing? She was like, it's April first tomorrow. I mean, I was like, right, okay. Oh God. Last year, Jack had pranked her by putting his dirty pants in her bed and she'd woken up and lost her mind about this.

Dirty pounds. Dirty pounds in a bed, yeah. So she was trying to, like, outweigh him. So he'd gone to bed. He goes about, like, an hour after her. So she kept herself awake. So I'd gone up to check on what my children were doing at, like, 10 o'clock. Jack was on the toilet having the world's longest... sitting there reading the children's encyclopedia.

I mean, it was an educational shit. But I was like, oh, I mean, if we're going to take a book, can we just pick a short one? We're not just going to really hang out and wait till the end to see what's what. Where did you get to? Did you get to W? I don't know. I didn't check. I was hanging around, just looking over his shoulder.

So I left him to do it. Evelyn is still waiting like a little meerkat in her bedroom for him to go to sleep so she can just go and extract her revenge. But she'd come up with all sorts of things that I had to veto. She was trying to put face paint in his hair powder. He's got this texture powder thing.

So it wouldn't have worked. It would have just made this like holy mess in my house upstairs on the grey slash near white carpet. So that was a no. Anyway, I'd gone to bed last night and I went to check on Heaven First and I bet there must have been like six. pairs of Jack's pants like strategically placed I was thinking oh so has he been has he been sort of saving these up for the last two weeks yeah probably yeah just like wiping his ass on them just oh

Oh, do you know what else he does? Like, I'm not bitching about my child, but while we're here. But you are. When they both do this, and this is where my brain has gone to, there is an explanation as to why my brain has gone here, but whenever they brush their teeth, when they have all the toothpaste skulls around their mouth, they go to where Steve and I hang our shower towels, and they...

don't use their own towels they use our towels and they go and like most of it so our towels are covered in the white stains in the white stains it's like jism all up the bath towels but this really irritates me so i waited i saw jack do it i saw that do it and I let him like really put his face into it and I went sweetheart I went you know that towel and he went yeah I went do you want to know what daddy does with it and he went yeah so I got the towel in between my legs

And I bent over. And he gets it right under his willy and all the hairs and in the crack. And he gives it one of them and his face. And he just went, mother. could you let me do that? And I was like, see, dirty, stop doing it. So anyway, yeah.

Does that put a stop to the... No, he's still doing it. It's still on it. So he remembered it for maybe like three days or something, and then that's gone out of his mind. That's so good. Yeah, so the pants were on her bed, and then I woke up at 6 a.m. Now, bear in mind, like, Evelyn and I...

to drag her out of bed like quarters away but she was up at the sparrows rooting around in the bathroom drawers in our bathroom i was like what are you doing and she was getting the toothpaste and filling it up with water so that when he then went to brush his teeth it would go everywhere so then he's gotten it then screamed about that she's screaming about the pants like it was just all kicking off he's then left for school with me just being like

fuck's sake the dog's gone upstairs and had a piss on the carpet it's like it's just it's too early in the morning for this bullshit as well by the way and then Evelyn starts crying because he's dipped her toothbrush in something I assume to be sober but she's going to taste like vomit

Then she's dipped his toothbrush in something later for when he comes home. So it's all just kicking off. It's all kicking off. So I don't like April Fool's Day. I'm not a fan. Did you ever do any when you were young? No, no. Because I think my dad would have kicked me up to the stairs, I think. It was that ilk, wasn't it? At that age.

growing up in the 90s, we'd get battered by your parents. I will always remember that my brother put cling film over the toilet. I thought you nearly said pooed then. Sorry. But he pooped. Pooped cling film in the time.

I remember my brother putting cling film over the toilet. So we would all run out. Or if you're a bloke, splash back. Oh, yeah. I imagine you'd see it if you were a bloke, wouldn't you? Yeah, maybe. I would have thought you'd see it, but if you just sat down a bit bleary-eyed in the morning, you probably wouldn't see it, would you? Maybe.

Yeah. April Fools, though. I mean, there is one thing that I saw this morning that I'm really hoping is not on April Fools. Go on then. And I actually was like, don't tell me this is April Fools. So apparently the... the Beatles movie has been cast. See, I didn't even know they were making a Beatles movie. Well, neither did I. I mean, nobody consulted me to see who was going to be playing my part. So I'm fuming about that.

But yeah, this is the thing. I didn't either. So I'm like, hang on. You've released this on... April Fool's Morning. You can't go out with any news, can you? No, you shouldn't go out with any kind of sensible news. No sensible, serious news. No. But it's a good line-up. Do you want to know who it's in? Right, okay, so. I need to get my Google images up on this as well so we couldn't. Right. Paul Meskel.

off of... Was he in a boxing thing? What was he in? He was in... Oh, God. Oh, Gladiator. And Gladiator, yes. Oh, do you know why I said, is he the boxing thing? Because I think he looks like... Who's that? Sorry? Who's the guy who makes the prime? KSI's mate. Jean-Paul Luc... Jake Paul? That's the one. Jake Paul. I have no idea who you're talking about. Jean-Paul Lou Gaultier, Jake Paul. Don't you think he looks like Jake Paul?

Jake Paul? Is that his name? John Paul? I don't know who you... John Paul? John Paul? Sean Paul? Or Sean Paul? No, I don't think... Is it Sean Paul? Who's the guy? Luke and Jake? Jake Logan? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, no. My nine-year-old, 12-year-old. He's not even nine. If my 12-year-old child was there, I'd be so ashamed of me. Jake Paul. Yes, he looks like him. No idea who that is. No idea. So, yes, so there's going to be... He was in Gladiator.

He was very attractive in Gladiator. He was. So he is going to be playing Paul McCartney. Oh, okay. Well, I'll take the good genes on that. Sorry, can I just go back quickly to Gladiator and this man being in that? I got so confused as to why this... glad he ate a man in the middle of Rome, had a really thick Yorkshire accent. Have you seen it? I've seen it. I've seen the original one. It was like, I am Spartacus's Maxicus's son from another mother.

Like it was just, it was very hard. It was very odd. Because this is the sequel to... Russell Crowe right and so Steve made me watch this and it this is like every boys producer Joe have you seen Gladiator too right okay every man was like oh gotta watch this so I wasn't on board with it like I quite liked Gladiator but it you know just mainly for Russell Crowe but I wasn't you know like

I've probably seen it maybe twice in my life. I'm not like an avid fan. But Steve, big avid fan. So he's like, we need to watch Gladiator 2. And if you're a woman... going to watch Gladiator 2 like there's a there's something in it for everyone is what I'll say but you will spend the entire duration which is by the way very long

of watching gladiator 2 going pause it a second hang on and then having to go back and google everything that happened in the first one that it's relying on you remembering from 20 fucking years ago and then going no okay right and it's very tenuous very very tenuous and it's really shit and I'm so sorry Paul but we are related now because you're taking on the family but I just expected better of Denzel Washington as well this would be my critique I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry. It's awful. Not the film, just my opinion. So some points of admin. Number one, either watch Gladiator the first first. Watch it directly before. Directly before. Directly before. I mean, it's four hours long or something, isn't it? Nobody's going to have six hours. We've got kids. Yeah.

Right, okay. Or just don't bother. I would edge towards just don't bother. If I'm being honest, it would be two hours of your life that you're not going to get back. How many stars? I'd go for a one and a half. Oh!

gonna watch that then right that's gonna come back oh i feel bad now i feel bad too okay it just it was just it was a shitty ending they just it's like they gave up halfway through right don't it basically no it just it's like mirrored the mirrored the whole plot of gladiator one but with different people with a guy from yorkshire and they didn't bother doing anything with his accent i often throw it at the spectrum like hey up what time is it 10 well three fucking hell

Let's get a brew on. That's what it felt like. Right, I feel like I need to watch it now. Anyway, he's a very good actor. I don't think this was like a Gerard Butler situation where you spend the entirety... of the film going is he Scottish or is he American and he can't work out what he's what he's trying to do I don't think he was trying to do an American accent or if we're being honest a you know ye olde Roman

accent I don't think he was like putting on an Italian vibe it was like oh he wasn't giving it one of those I've got a question you know the ancient Romans are they from Rome I assume so. I don't think they are, are they? They originated from Rome and then they went and conquered everywhere. So I guess just it was like... I don't know that they are. I feel like they're not. I feel like they're Greek. No, I think that was the... The Greeks. And one of my friends gets...

Romans were different? Is that not the Vikings? No, it's different. Scandinavia, like, no way. Right. Do you know one of my best friends from home? Listen, history and geography are not my forte. Good to know. One thing, though, when you talk about gladiators, so my... My best pals from home, from school. One year we went to Rome. That's the Rome in Italy or the Rome in Greece?

The Rome Room. Not the Baloraki version. With the Coliseum. And we must have been like, it must have been 20, oh God, we must have been like 21, 22 maybe. And I remember we went to the Coliseum and they were all like, oh my God, I really want to get and see the Coliseum. And I was like...

I mean, let's go. And I was like, the queue was fucking massive. And I was like, I'm not standing in that queue. So then there was a VIP option where you paid like 30 euros more to go on this guided tour, but you get to queue jump. So I was like... let's do that it's worth it means we don't have to stand in that queue all day

Anyway, we got in. We got into the Coliseum, walked in. And obviously, have you been before? I have been before. You know, you walk in and then it's just, it's all there. Yeah. I was like, right, well, we've seen it. We've seen it now. And they were like.

Or did you not get to go into the dungeon below? I think the VIP tour would have taken you into the bit underneath. Well, I'd seen it. I just wanted to see where Russell Crowe would be. Russell Crowe. I don't think he probably was even there, to be honest. I think he was probably in a studio somewhere. and a North Hollywood lot. I don't think he was in there. But they were like...

they were so fuming at me because I was like, can we just go for lunch now and go get a glass of wine? We've seen it. Once you've seen it, what are we going to do? Walk around and touch every single bit of stone? Like Russell did with his fingers through the long grass. Yeah, exactly. all around like touching it all touched it touched it oh that was titanic

When it comes to sightseeing, what sort of sightseeing are you though? Do you like it? No, I'm a tick box exercise sightseeing. Same. So Steve and I travelled the world for a year, right? We went travelling and we got so travel fatigued by the end of it. so fucking bored of seeing cultural like UNESCO UNESCO UNESCO I don't even know what it's called UNIGLO like I was so so bored of going to go see these things we turned up at the Taj Mahal and went

Quick. I did the Diana. I did the Diana. Take it. Take it. Do the Diana one. All right, fuck off. Let's go. It's hot. It's sweaty. I can't get my shoulders out. I can't do it. Did you go to the Tower of Pisa and do that? Of course we did. We've done that. We've done that one before. Oh, my God. We turned off at the... I've done the Hollywood sign like that. Oh, nice.

We turned up at the Sydney Opera House. And we were about halfway through at this point. And it was like, to be fair, I've never, I've been to Sydney twice now. And I've never been to Sydney on a day where it's been sunny. Every day I've turned up to Sydney and it's pissing it down. And there's even...

And then if I've stayed in Sydney for like three or four days, it's pissed it down throughout that entire duration. So I've never seen Sydney in its best light, AKA the opening scenes of maths. I've never seen it in all of its glory. Steve and I, it turns up to Sydney. house piss wet through looked up at this building we both turned around to each other and i went

It could do with a bit of a jet wash, couldn't it? And he was like... I think this on the front end. And then we just left. I think this when I see the beginning of maths, though. It needs a good clean. It needs a good clean. It must have been a while since they've last got like a scrubber out on it.

Get a bit of Mr Sheen on it or something. Make an effort. Come on, Sydney. Come on. No, but I'm definitely in the camp of, once you've seen it, like, what do you want to do? Like, what do you want to do? Like, lie on the floor? Like, you've seen it. Your eyes have seen it. You've seen it. You've been in. I did a quick lap. Right, let's go. You know what I mean?

Get a little hamster on a wheel. Done it now. Yeah, done it. Yeah, I probably need to do New Zealand again properly at some point because Steve and I, during this trip, we went to New Zealand, but we stayed in a camper van together and we nearly murdered each other on several occasions. And so, again, we were...

literally just getting out of this camper van in the rain, taking pictures of things and just getting back in and going, so at some point, yeah, I probably need to go back and do New Zealand properly as well. Anyway, we digress massively off the Beatles cast. So we've got Jean-Paul Gaultier as... Paul McCartney. Who else have we got? Paul Meskel. We've also got Barry Keown. How do you say it? Keown. Keown. Keown. Keown. Keown. Keown. It's like a...

Yeah, isn't it? Yeah, but he's the one that shagged the grave. The ground shag it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As he will just now forever. I mean, no matter what he does now, really, that's what everyone's just going to know him for. He is. That's going to be his... Yeah, or the bathwater. just drinking yeah so he's gonna be Ringo yes yes and then we've got um

The Stranger Things stars Joseph Quinn. Yes, who is the Metallica, he's like the Dungeons and Dragons one from the last series. Yep. Yeah. So he's going to be George Harrison, sexy George. Oh, I see George was my favourite. And then Harry Dickinson. No idea who he is. No, me neither. And he has got a bit of a task because he's going to be John Lennon. So that's going to be quite... But I really hope this is not an April Fool. But he starred in Baby Girl with Nicole Kidman.

Okay, so it's a strong line-up apart from the last guy that we don't know who he is. Very excited for this. And the guy from Stranger Things is a bit of a wild card as well for... Yeah. Yeah. So this is going to be exciting for Fab Four. I wonder whether my dad's going to get a cameo in it. Maybe. My dad's sung on the White Album.

little interesting fact of the day my dad used to be a choir boy and um he's about 10 years younger than paul and so my dad was hanging around at abbey road on one of the days that they were filming a bit of the white album and one of the backing singers didn't turn up and so they were like

are there John in your gut and so they kick my dad in and my dad does the backing vocals on Dear Prudence but they didn't include his name on the back so he's screaming about this like passive aggression within the family yeah but you can hear him you can play Dear Prudence there's a bit where it goes round Round, round, round, round. It's John. It's John doing his round, round, round.

Because for people who don't know, you are related. Oh, yes, I am. Yes. I mean, we've gone quite a few episodes without discussing this, but you are. Oh, have we not just that? I don't think we have, have we? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm Scouse Dinosaur. Yeah, so your dad. is First Cousins with Paul. Yes, so I'm like somewhere, shit, don't think I'd qualify for a kidney down the list, but my dad would, I reckon. But potentially, you never know. Yeah, never know.

John disappears somewhere. Yeah. Roll out Sophie. Oh, well, and also, I mean, he's like 84, 85 now. So I've got about 15 years tops before I'm finally the most famous McCartney.

Obviously it'll be a dead sad day in the family, but yoink. So I was doom scrolling and I found this, this. video and I was like, oh my god, I really want to try this on Steve. Steve is currently driving. Yeah, so I'm going to have to do some jokes. It's essentially... It's not a porno. It's not like, it's not flashing my tits. You really wanted to send Steve a picture of your tits. It's not that. What it is, is...

You send a text message to Jess and just start having a really, like... type of chat you would have with me and let's just see what his response would be yeah yeah okay oh speaking of flashing tits by the way i had i was um i was away on the road the other week and i was ovulation horny this is something that we have discussed um and

And so I just sent Steve a picture of my boobs, but I cheated. I went back into my archives. Oh, you didn't. I went back into my archives and I sent him my pregnancy booze. It was in a sports bra, but it was a great shot.

from when I was pregnant with Nate. So I had absolutely cracking boobs. So I sent him like three-year-old boobs as like my kinky pic for him. And I'm sure he was sitting there thinking, whose boobs are these? They're not my fucking wife's flat little titties that I normally get. Sorry, right, anyway, okay. So what you're going to do... I'm not going to send that to Jess. So basically, you're going to just send some little life updates.

Hi, Jez. Generic chat and let's just see how long you can get. Hi, Jez. Thinking of teriyaki salmon for tea. Do you want me to put a high jazz in? Does that make it more? Or should I just say... Maybe just go straight in. Just go straight in. He's going to ignore me. Thinking of teriyaki salmon for tea. Okay. We're going to have to come back to this. Because you should be looking after your children. Have you said, what do you think? Or are you just going to say it? What do you think?

I love, by the way, can I also, we talk about the fact that his WhatsApp picture is his AI picture. Which I think was probably one of the most entertaining things you've ever sent me. Just trying to work. Oh, wait. He's typing. He's typing. Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Oh, no, it's gone again. So he's probably just gone. Oh, I'd love that. And then he's realised I'm not his wife.

He's not going to get salmon toast. He said, oh, he's rumbled us. Sounds good to me. Laughy face. Duh. Duh. Duh. Okay. Oh, now I feel I need to get it going. Perfect. Any recipes? Could you have a look for me? Thanks. I hear the BBC do a good one. Let's see what it comes back with. Right, shall we go... While we're waiting for a response, shall we go on to...

One of our other features. Urban Dictionary Corner. Urban Dictionary Corner. Right, what have we got to send us out with for the end of this series? Let's make it a doozy. Sophie McCartney, what do you think hot bean water is? Hot bean water. Oh, no. Right, okay. Well, I actually think it could be two things. Sorry, I've just had a message from Cher.

Do you know why Sophie is asking me for teriyak and chicken recipes? I'm going to say I'm not with her. I'm not with her. She's left half an hour ago. I don't know. with her. She's in an interview. Maybe it's for the interview. I left her on an interview. No, he's not yet.

He's not replied anything since I hear the BBC do a good one. I love the panic in him now that he thinks that I'm in an interview. Waiting for you to share your food. Waiting for him to send me a recipe from BBC Good Food about derriety salmon. Even weirder, has she been hacked? Oh, I love him though. The message going, Jess, quick, I need it for an interview. Should I just go, any danger? Question mark. And a little clock. Any danger? Come on, hurry up.

Oh, God. Well, that's what Jez is going to say. No, what did my mum say? Oh, fine, then. Yeah, okay. Fine. Right, okay. A hot bean juice. No, no, no. What was it? No, hot bean juice. Hot bean water. Wait, Jez has replied. What am I getting anywhere? He sent me teriyaki salmon to BBC Good Food. Oh shit, I meant chicken. I meant this. Ask him what he's having for his tea. What are you having for your tea?

What are you having for your tea? Oh shit, I meant chicken. What are you having for your tea? Do you think I can just swap the salmon for the chicken? And then just say, thanks, Jess. Oh, my God. Do you think I can just swap the salmon for chicken? Or a prawn. I'm quite partial. To fish. To prawns. But not lobsters. I think they're weird. Even weirder. Has she been hugged? Thanks. Kiss. legend I nearly said cheesy bean juice then I don't know what's next

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now. Let's just leave him hanging now. Let's just leave him to ponder. Just walking around his house going, what the fuck is happening? Let's see if he checks you're okay in a little while, shall we? Yeah, let's see. I was on with my recipe. Just in case you've been... This is like a... Like chicken teriyaki is code. Oh, my arms are tied behind my back. Stop it. Right. Okay, right. Hot bean juice. No, water. Hot bean water. Okay. Hot bean water.

It's gross, but this is what I'm going to go with. I'm going to go with a couple, actually, because I've got some ideas. But, okay, hot bean water, I think, is when you have got a water infection and you are having a wee, but it burns. It burns! And your bean's hot. And it flows down over your lady parts. And it burns. And you've got a hot bean. And then the wee.

It's dripped off and it's hot. That being water would be where I would go with that one. And what my other... So, no, is that not right? I'm going to tell you what to finish. Okay, the other one would be if you've had a five bean chilli and it has played havoc with your bowels and out it comes. Hot bean, hot bean, and just it's very loose. It's very loose. Hot bean, water. Those are good responses. Yeah, I think that's surely to go somewhere in between there. Gosh, hot bean water.

is the water collected after a ball sack has been steeped in warm water. What, like a chamomile? Mm-hmm. Who steeped? Jo, have you ever steeped your balls? Anthony has trouble focusing until he's enjoyed his hot bean water. But hang on, I need to put a petition in for change. Oh, go on then. Because never ever has a man referred to his ballsack as his beans, right?

How do you know? You ain't got them? True. But it's not like a, you know, common... Maybe they're just little, little, little ones. I mean, I'd say maybe little Woody dogs. He's maybe got some little beans. Yeah, he's got little beans.

So that's what... Right, I've got one more for kids. I forgot about this one as well. Go on. Sophie McCartney. What do you think song clit is? Song clit. Song. Clean. Clit. I mean, it just sounds like a great name for a Korean pop star, but I don't think that it's there. Song Clit Richards.

song clit a song clit is it when a clitoris is just so happy burst into song burst into song like a disney pixar that's nice that's nice isn't it it's not that oh a song clip is the section of any song that pleasures you in almost a climatic way and elevates you momentarily to a seemingly higher plane of existence. It does not necessarily have to be at the climax of the song or even a precise moment of the song. It could be a few seconds of the song.

I was listening to all the things that she said. And when I came to the song clip, wow, I just forgot myself and sang along in total bliss. All the things you said, all the things you said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head. I love that song. I think I'm listening to the five Megamix wrong. I don't think I've ever got to like a climax point. Boozy.

Newsy. Where'd you get your Newsy? Boozy Newsy. Sometimes not boozy, but today that it is. And where I happen to get my Boozy Newsy from just happens to be the Daily Mail online. know that it's going to be factually correct. And very, very important. Okay. The gospel. The gospel. According to Daily Mail. Top doctor warns you're putting underwear on wrong capital letters. The way most people do it. Risks.

A crotch rot infection. What the hell? How can you put it on rolls? Back to front? No. Putting on... Underpants on with bare feet could put millions at risk of a gruesome and embarrassing groin infection. A top doctor's ward. Here's my question. Do you put underwear on with your feet? Will you step through your underwear? Oh, that makes sense.

i was like fucking hell like that's you know it's just to add that extra level i mean that's a bgt yeah isn't it just like yeah once you've got it onto your feet how do you then just like Shimmy it. I would do it. I would do it a bit like. Like that. And then I would like do almost like a limbo. Limbo into it. I reckon I'd like shimmy it up with my feet. If I was only getting it that far. Oh, I could do that.

scrape it into position there you go maybe okay no you're wrong it's not that it's just the fact that you step into your underwear right okay so-called crotch rot is caused by the fungus tinea corposis commonly known as ringworm. Ew. and appears as scaly, itchy and sometimes red skin. And according to Dr. Samuel Chowdhury, a GP who specialises in skincare, the infection often spreads to the genital area via the feet.

So, yeah, you've got... So, this... Fuck off. Sorry. It's incredibly common, affecting around 70 cents of people at least once in their life. 70%! Oh, no. Do you know what? Do you know what this is? This is somebody who's gone out. This would mean one of us in this room. Guilty. In fact, this would mean two hours and three months of a crunch. I don't know what I was going to say. Maybe that's why you've got thrush. you

Do you know what I think it is? I think it's somebody who went... You've not got thrush, you've got crotch rock. I've got crotch rock. Do you know what I think is? I think it's somebody who's got, like, some herpes going on and they've thought, oh, shit, like, Millsman's going to go mad about this because I've been shagging Dave the Milkman.

Oh, no. No, actually, babe, do you know what it is? Do you know what those welts are? No. Did you know that 70% of people, at least once in their life, from putting their underwear on with their toes, they're going to give themselves crotch rot? I think that's what that is. But this leads me to another... question right so i would tend to shower before i put my underwear on do you wash your feet in the shower

No, the shower washer. But this is the thing. Do you wash your legs? I wash my legs. I'll maybe wash the top of my legs unless I'm shaving. Because if I'm shaving my legs, then yeah, I'll wash my legs.

But I don't think I consciously sit there and scrub my legs the rest of the time. I can just maybe just... I'll do my arms. I'll do my arms and my back and maybe my thigh. But maybe not. I couldn't be asked. Because when you bend over and then all the water flows into your bum hole, doesn't it? Does it?

shower do you not like step away it's just that is that what happens i'm sorry how big is your bum hole and how exposed is it when I bend over and sometimes it's a bit hot and you're like oh my god oh my god it runs straight through doesn't it oh my god well then that like Niagara Falls this though is this is peak like

PR agency sort of news generation. Let's see what the brand is. Who's the brand is? Skull. I'm going to guess it's Fanny feet wash. Some sort of foot wash. Yeah, skull foot wash. No. No. Nothing. Is it an actual medical research? No, it's an actual medical thing. Oh, shit. Yeah, actual medical thing. 70% minus. So just be really careful, guys. Advice to treat the infection includes washing effective skin areas daily, making sure to dry thoroughly, as well as avoiding scratching and washing.

clothes and bedding are we talking about your vagina or are we talking about your feet wash your feet well surely you can surely you can prevent it by washing your feet yeah maybe prevention is key yeah

So there we go. There we go, guys. Just fucking be careful out there, okay? It's a jungle. By the way, Jez has replied, because I said, happy April Fool's, and he's gone, the little scamp. Your idea, please. No, absolutely not. Because he'll get annoyed at me. He's going to put the fucking face towel back on the ride after the comedy show so I sound like a tit again. She would like one perfectly washed towel that's already been through the wash once so that no fluff goes on her face.

All right, should we end on a little bit of When We Were Young? Okay, what have we got? So this is actually from... Producer Jo's friend. Yeah. It's a good one. Has he got a name or has he got to remain anonymous? It's a she actually. Don't be genderist. Well, I'm sorry Jo. You can have friends that are females too. So, hi guys.

It wasn't necessarily a tale of youthful hijinks, but more a journey of discovery many of us had to take. The first time you flat share and the things you discover about the people you were so excited to live with before reality strikes. Living away from my parents for the first time is when I found out more than I wanted to about the personal hygiene of a certain flatmate. Oh no, is he putting his feet all over his knickers before he pulled them off? Crunch rot. Crunch rot.

When I was at drama school in the noughties, one of my housemates couldn't be bothered to walk to the bathroom which was two doors down from her bedroom. So... She decided to urinate in glasses instead of going to the toilet. No judgment, though, because I've had to do this into eight of Evelyn's nappies when Steve took me camping. Carry on as you were. Slightly different. You were camping. There wasn't a toilet to do so.

To make matters worse, she never emptied said glasses. Oh, I mean, that's a very risky business of confusing with apple juice. And she would place them on the window ledge. So after a hard day of drama-ing, I used to return home to be greeted by two or three pints of wee right by the window for me and all the neighbours to see. Oh. Oh.

And my other housemate used to hide all the forks if we didn't do the washing up. I know I should have done the washing up, but that's too far. It's really hard to eat super noodles with a spoon.

Oh, my God. Aren't students dirty feckers? Oh, my gosh. That is. That is quite gross. That is so gross. Not as gross, but in my student house. So my friend Amy was like the moniker of the group. You know Amy. And it was me. It was Helen. It was Lindsay and my friend Sarah. And we were just like, we were a fucking nightmare. And Amy just couldn't cope with us.

So she used to, she wouldn't let us use the dishwasher either because she didn't think it would be economical for the water bill. So she's like, we just used to let it all just like stack up on the side. And then she went down a system of trying to use like tape and then write all our names. So like to try and organize it.

And then she dropped out of university because she can't commit to anything. And she then went and got a proper job in New York. And she would come back and we would have done nothing around the house all day. She'd been out.

where she was like living with your mom right because she'd been like I've been out at work all day and she was like what have you lot done we're like well Amy we're very hungover because we went out last night and we've actually made and this is a true story and I think this is actually my biggest achievement mine and Helen's biggest achievement at university

that we had a tv that her mom and dad gave us one of their old tvs but it didn't have a remote so if you wanted to change the channel you used to have to stand up and change it and we just couldn't be bothered with that so instead we put all of our energy one day into making a gigantic pokey device with chopsticks straw

we could sit on the sofa and turn the channels over and she came home and we're just sitting there like harry potter if he was a borrower holding this gigantic wand and then yeah that was it and what have you been doing Amy. Yeah, Amy for £3.70 an hour and you look. I know which way I'd prefer to use in that time.

So, yeah, dirty feral little podgers. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Never left me pint. That's a piss hanging about, though. But that is well worth an iconic mistake. It is. Well done. Well done.

Until May. It's not the end for long, is it? Just a little regroup, little regroup. And, you know, just a bit time for a bit more debauchery to happen in between. So we shall be back in May. And we will, of course, be having our parenting tales slash fails. We still want your stories from when you were young. cross to us. What else do we do? Just anything, guys. If you've just got anything you want to share, safe space. We're like Deidre over here. It's all good.

into us and and we will use it just it will extort that for laughs I don't think we'll offer much sound life advice but we will offer an iconic triple threat mascara It's a great trade-off. Which would you prefer? I know. Great lashes every day. Yes. My dignity. No thanks. My face looks banging. Okay. So.

We will see you really, really soon. In the meanwhile, if you want to see me in the flesh, I'm still going to be like out touring and stuff, just like the, you know, just trucking about with a bag on my back and just looking for people to love me and laugh at my jokes. So you can find tickets at Live Now.

dot co dot uk i will be somewhere near you i imagine because i'm bloody everywhere um and loose um i don't you won't be able to find her so but that's that's she probably wants it that way so i think that's all good yeah hit the jingle It's okay not to be perfect with finances.

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