Birthday Snips and Penis-Pumped Strips

Adoucissez votre été avec un adoucisseur Minimax. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone. Over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hand gophers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

Well, hi there, howdy. Good afternoon, good morning, good day, wherever you are in the world. Welcome to another episode of the Tad and Tessa podcast with me, Sophie McCartney. And as always, I've got my beautiful Lucy with the fringe with me. Hi, babe. Hi, babe. Hi. um look at my sporty space today look at you like your little cut off muscle muscle top tank

Do you know what? Finally, finally, it is sunny. I mean, I don't want to say it out loud, but could summer have landed in the UK? Could it? Oh, God. Cue the thunder clouds and just dismal downpours for the next four weeks of school holidays because there's always shit in the school holidays. This is like generally years gone by, we would normally get really good kind of April, May time when the kids were in school.

And come July, August, it just pisses it down. And we are coming into August now. And August, generally, it does piss itself. Piss itself? Does August piss itself? A rain dance. A re-dance. August is just there, just bent down.

too far off the floor to get the remote up august just had a big old rain dance on itself can't get can't get back up again all now just very very soggy because steve's birthday is the 18th of august and it's always just shit he always insists on having a party because he's six um and like do you have birth i don't have birthday parties apart from like my big birthday party like that was okay that was granted but he always has a birthday party every year just for himself

Yeah. Like if we just invite. friends or neighbors around and stuff but this comes from him being a child that every year he had his parents just continued to throw him a birthday party I think that's because he's an only child yeah is this a thing did you when did you stop having birthday

parties right every year i go i'm not gonna do anything for my birthday this year i'm not gonna but then i'll get to like a week before and be like i want attention i want attention so then i'll plan something really last minute and then nobody can come and i'll be like you feel shit like you got no mates

so I'll do something like last year I did bongos obviously which I'm going to continue doing for the rest of my life but I don't have like a party like like I wouldn't have people coming around my house No, with the coal and the caterpillar cake, no.

do you know what I don't I I sit in a weird place with birthdays because I'm yeah I'm a bit like that the fact that I don't really want to celebrate it because especially when you get in a bit older it's a bit like oh do you know oh oh it's another year it's just another step towards menopause and death isn't it and then but then there's a little bit of me that goes well why doesn't anybody want to come and celebrate my birthday with me there's always a bit of me

that would hate a surprise birthday party but was always really passive-aggressive few minutes Steve that he hasn't organized one for me.

This is it. So when we were talking, I was speaking to Jez about my four years. This is probably like February. I was like, oh, I'm probably going to have to think about that birthday I've got later in the year. And he's like, don't you worry. You leave that with me. And I was like. No.

No, I am not leaving you in charge because you'll forget to invite half of my best friends because you'll just forget. And you'll do it somewhere. And, oh, no, I'm a control freak, though. I'm a bit like you. And I think you're a bit like... that as well to be fair well i ended up organizing my 40th birthday party and and because i'd organized these 40th birthday party and so i ended up just having to do a carbon copy basically of steve's birthday party but with just my mates and

Steve's contribution was that he asked my neighbour Laura to make a cake and he got a keg in for his mates. Thanks.

excuse me we also you did also have your this is your life sophie mccartney i did but didn't you do it steve helped with with the with the supply of content okay fine he had to harass all all my friends that you didn't know to supply the video okay fine I'll give it to him then and that that was the that was the video which he surprised me with the vasectomy that was his gift to me that he still hasn't

hasn't cashed in on yeah let's just talk about that so steve's as part of your birthday party movie that we made movie yes yeah on the on the big screen in the garden with the kids watching was there In a medical gown on a bed looking like he was about to have a vasectomy done. With a pair of scissors. With a pair of scissors.

But in all seriousness, this was his birthday present to you, right? Along with a really expensive bracelet that I bought for myself because I wanted a really lovely personalised bracelet. It's gold. I got it from Astrid and Moon.

as I believe that they're officially called and little gold chain and then I got each of the kids initials on with their birthstone next to it and it was tiny tiny tiny tiny little birthstones like a chipping of a birthstone like the birthstone sneezed and then a particle of bacteria that was inside of the birthstone's nose just so happened to spray outward that is what has been captured

and stuck on to my bracelet along with their initials um and Steve at the time was like oh you know he's like that's a bit pricey I called I got it in Bristol I was down in Bristol I was doing my show down there and um I was like I've seen it can I just get this for my birthday and he was like how much and I told him and he was like oh it was like well listen I'm not saying

I don't want you to spend that much on a bracelet I'm just saying is it really worth it I was like oh well it's you know I like it and it's you know it's something personal to me so yes he was like fine um so I got this bloody bracelet feeling like actually I probably shouldn't have spent this much money on the bracelet for my 40th birthday party. Not party, but it was like 40th. I just thought I'd wear it every day.

That was my rationale behind it. Anyway, more of about two weeks I had to take it off because it does my tits and can't stand it. It kept getting caught on everything, didn't it? Everything. It was like Velcro because of the way that they cut the letters for the charms for each of the kids' names. had named my kids all o names there was no way oh my bracelet there was no way

that I wasn't going to get stuck on stuff. It was, I was pulling holes in other people's clothes. If I went in to hug somebody, it would just get stuck in theirs. And I was pulling massive holes. I'm like, oh my God, on my actual birthday, my mum's friend Di came round and she's like, oh my God, a wardrobe is beautiful. before she had this cashmere shawl I'd put my arm around her I got the bracelet stuck pulled a big hole in the cashmere shawl I was like oh god

So I kept getting myself in proper binds. Half-time in the show, which I believe is the official technical theatre term. It was on my period. It was on my period. And I'd had my big... jumpsuit on with this one with the sleeves and it was all lace and I'd take pulled my jumpsuit down for a quick halftime tampon got my arms stuck inside of my jumpsuit so I only had one hand

free to try and do the tampon application and it was like it was always so stressful and I was like oh god oh god I had Sam Avery support me it wasn't something that Sam could come in and help me with and I was like getting myself into a hot sweat about it in the toilet and then I had my arms stuck inside of a jumpsuit oh

to rip a hole in my jumpsuit to get it out so the bracelet has been banished and because it was a personalized piece of jewelry because it was like welded couldn't take it back I can't see it now just sits in a box of shame so if you are pregnant Bear this in mind when you're thinking of baby names. Oscar. Oscar. Ostrich. Ostrich.

Oh, baby ostrich. Orangutan. She's a bit pecky. Yeah, like just all the animal names. Ola. That's a nice one. Yeah, Ola's a nice name. Ola and Ola. Yeah, stick to Ola's and then you're not going to get caught on anyone. Yeah, I don't know what to do about that really. And I don't know if Steve's noticed.

that i haven't been wearing it but um well i mean he's not walking around in clothes looking like a moth has an absolute fun orgy on it maybe if i send them a message on instagram with a blue tick and go god please please help me

But they've ruined the blue tick now because any fucker can buy a blue tick now. That's true. That is true. Do you know what, right? I'll get people who it's like such and such and start following you and they've got a blue tick and I go, ooh, who's this? And it's like Doris who owns a florist and she's got 20 followers.

Doris would be all right in a charm bracelet as well, actually. I reckon a capital D would probably be okay as well. D would be all right, yeah. She'd be fine on a charm bracelet, but I don't, I'm not following you about Doris. No, no. If you're Brad Pitt with your blue tick, then yes.

then you'll gather my attention. I get so disappointed. I'm like, oh God, don't buy your blue ticks, people. Don't buy them. It's tragic. Wait for it to come. I think that as well, what Instagram's going to end up doing is adding another tick for people who are proper blue ticks. So it's going to just become a tick off. Because then how do you differentiate between the blue ticks and the actual blue ticks? Well, that's it. You can't. And it's just, it's anarchy then. It's just Instagram anarchy.

Yeah, so I bought the bracelet for myself. Steve bought me the vasectomy that he hasn't had done yet. He bought me... the concept of a vasectomy conceptual contraception is what he bought me and and it's not been done he's not been done yet it's like well the idea was just more important than the actual following

through of it in his defense though I think it's quite I think the NHS wait list is quite long for a vasectomy I think they've still got that massive backlog post-covid where everyone just got horny because there was nothing else to do. And then everyone was like, oh my God, no more babies. Go get yourself a snip. So it has been a while, but he needs to maybe just get himself private.

I mean, oh my God, imagine if he had an NHS vasectomy, by the way, he didn't even pay for it. So he's not even spent any money. He could at least go private. He could at least go private and pay a few hundred quid for it. And then I'll figure like, you know, it was a little bit more worthwhile for my birthday.

His 40th birthday present from Steve also feels like a 40th birthday present for Steve. Oh, yeah. No more babies. And he gets to have 20 wanks. And I think he probably thinks that I'm going to help him empty the tank. Like I'm going to be there like siphoning off, siphoning off the petrol. No. What is the gift to you? I think just that he can ejaculate inside of me, I think is the gift to me. I think, I think that's it.

So, your pearl necklace. Yeah, all my pearls have gone. All my jewellery is there. That's it, it's gone. It's a bit like... Yeah, it is. It's a me present. It's 100% a me present. When they buy you sexy underwear for Christmas and I'm like, or sexy underwear for your birthday. God, I once had to open like a provocative underwear set that he got me from Ann Thomas in front of his grandma for Christmas.

and i was just like what oh dude no oh no you're right you're right grandma no it's dead easy to just go for a wee while you're wearing them

30 grand would have loved that though. You would have loved it, wouldn't she? Two weeks from Fringe now, babes. Two weeks. Two weeks from going to see your Fringe at the Edinburgh Fringe. It's exciting, isn't it? We've discussed this. Will you get a fringe for fringe? No, I will not because if I have a fringe cut in, my nose looks like a giant penis. Honestly.

proper, proper knob on my face if I have a fringe. You had a fringe. When we worked, first worked together, you had a fringe, you know. I know. Did you also notice the... giant dick sticking out of my face as well don't suit a fringe it really doesn't do good things to the nose that I smashed into a ski slope when I was 16 it doesn't it doesn't work for me it's not it's I would love it because it's nature's Botox isn't it I could save myself 280

85 quid every six months but no I'm not I might I might extend to some kind of fringed outfit oh actually I tell you what I'm going to task you with that will you find me some amazing fringed god I don't have time

i've got to i've got to write some jokes when you find me afraid i love that she's writing it down yes i will yes that's on the add it to the to-do list can i just say this is this so sometimes sophie treats me as her manager sometimes sophie treats me like a bitch just like that and you just witnessed it

Go and get me a fringe outfit. Bitch. Yeah. But you know, I'll find you something. And I know that you've just prioritised that above all the stuff that you don't actually want to do today. All of the actual work. All your actual work. You're just going to find Sophie some outfits.

sorry guys I'm really busy looking for tassels yeah so there you go you're welcome not nipple tassels though don't we get no nipple tassels because to be fair if I wore nipple tassels they'd be like hip tassels wouldn't they really like the positioning

tassels going on swinging around tassels and hip tassels um but we are it's very we've had to have a little chat haven't we about your workload because it's it's an intense time it's an intense time um so everyone We are going to be taking a little podcast hiatus. Okay, it's fine, guys. It's fine. It's fine. We're coming back, but we're just going to take a red hot 10 minutes or so to just sit back, write fringe, do fringe.

cope with the school holidays as I know so many of you are all just battling with some holidays and it's I mean it took I was an hour late for this podcast recording because I just needed my children to fuck off out the house and they were just all hanging off around my ankles I was like no mommy's got to podcast She's got a yellow car.

in my face so um so we are we're gonna take a little break we're gonna take a little break in that time though so we're gonna have a little think about structure maybe some things that we can improve some little brucey bonuses that we can throw in and we shall be back bigger and best and batshit crazier.

than before don't worry about it but that is what is going to happen and um and yeah just it just needs a little bit of the old headspace i reckon yeah i mean we do we we love coming on just because it means that we get an hour to catch up on stuff that's not just me i mean you're basically just listening in to just lucy and i just having our weekly catch up as to what's happening in our lives, to be honest.

But it's the only time we're talking where I'm not telling you a list of things that you need. That is also true. That is also true, amigo. But I don't want to. I don't want to. I'm there with my whip. Fucking do it, bitch. Want some tassels, bitch? Here you go. Oh my gosh.

But no, we've been having some chats, haven't we? And I think what we're going to do is we're going to take some time. Sophie's going to go and write some incredible material to try out at Fringe. And I know lots of people will be coming to see you, us, there, because I'll be there as well, with my whip. but then we're we've been talking about potentially getting some some special guests and um some more exciting things

So just stick with us. Go back and listen to any of those episodes that you haven't had a chance to listen to yet. Go back to the start, maybe. Because we go all the way back to the start. Oh, my God. Actually, to be fair, though, I don't know how many episodes that we've done now, but it's been a lot, hasn't it? Quite old now.

isn't it i know we are well you know it fits with the hosts doesn't it so yeah don't worry we will be back to chat some shit in the future you won't be getting rid of us that easily

So guess what I'm doing next week? Whilst you're busy with your head down writing exciting material. Well, I'm not having fun. Well, to be fair, I do enjoy writing, but only when none of my children are in the house. So that's a problem. Go on, what are you doing then? Just rub my face in it. I've got, I think, potentially the first hen do in about five years.

oh my god a hen do is it a first timer oh yeah my friend avril this is avril is um all of the hearts male hearts around the borders she is beautiful and all of the men have been waiting for her to just all of a sudden be like no do you know what I want you and whoever she would say they'd be like great

dump my wife dump my kids i'll go with it even if it was just but she's found her man and she's waited you know um for the right one and so next week it is the henny henny hen hens where are you going so we are going to edinburgh fringe i'm just going to check it out are you all right no um we are going to villa hacienda oh it out the country sounds like it doesn't it no it's near york

But it's Ibiza theme because she loves Ibiza. But we are mid hen do. It's all the hen do planning. Oh, God. To be fair, I'm envious of your hen party, but I am not envious of that part of the hen party. Are you in a WhatsApp group? with just 50 people who are really indecisive, but also don't want to pay for things at the same time.

I really want to do it, but I just, I don't want to pay for it. So the thing is, there's a number of WhatsApp groups. So there's the bridesmaids. I'm in the bridesmaid group. I'm in the bridesmaid and Avril group. And then there's the full hentu group as well. Oh, with all like the... with all of the people just to make up the numbers basically isn't it really no there's no there's no adults coming on this one it's no adults sorry babe you are nearly 40

You are the adult. Can I just say? There's no grown-ups. There's no grown-ups on this one. It's just us teenagers. 14 October, babe. 14 October. Just dropping that in there. But yeah, so the admin that goes into...

I'm pretty sure the first hen do I ever went to I think the first one I ever organized was for my cousin and I literally I invited everyone around to my house in my flat in London uh organized a stripper pretended it was the landlord He came into the house. My auntie and my mum were there. Dave's really ripped up, hasn't he, from when he came round last month to get the rent.

They were grown-ups at that one. He's in his trousers. What's happening? What do we have to do, Dave, so that we don't pay our rent this month? What is it that we're insinuating here? Oh, my God, the size of your penis, Dave.

I got him to knock on the door and say, can you stop making so much noise, please? Because we used to get complaints about noise all the time. Shock horror. Absolute shock to my inner core about that, that you were a fuck awful tenant. Really annoying to your neighbours. I have to say that it was a bit...

It's all destroying seeing how much my mother was enjoying the stripper. Oh, no. Oh, well, do you know what? Sandra, I will never forget about that Newcastle show that I did and your mum sat on the front row. With her mate, cackling to all the really dirty stuff and nudging her friend as well. Does it have been like, we've been there, done that. She gets it from her mother, doesn't she? She did, Julia. Oh, my God.

But no, I remember like the first time to ever I went on, it was very low key admin. It was like you book a stripper, you book a table in the city you live in, you go get smashed and book a club. whereas now the admin you start planning these hen do's like six months in advance and then somebody's stressing because there's only six months till the hen do and it's like whoa what are we doing

Can I just say, though, a stripper would be my idea of hell. I'm quite a socially awkward... person and if if there was a man who had descended from the ceiling like a scantily clad spider-man and was just flapping his wang around in my face I

Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do with my eyes. Or I'd put my hand out just to stop it or something and touch it and then I'd be arrested. It would knock me sick. Like, I don't see the appeal of male strips. Do you know what? I'd see a female stripper over a male stripper. I see the appeal of a female stripper. Why? Girls, you know, we're dancing on a pole, but a bit more like moving into it's a bit sexier. Like I'm just, but I was a man just.

in my head is his underwear is like a big elephant like you know like an elephant trunk with eyes on it that he's got his willy in so he's like half a children's entertainer he's half an adult entertainer and he's standing there on a stage

And like, he doesn't know whether to take his socks off because like, you know. Like Dream Boys, like a performance. Oh, excuse me. You'd see me at Magic Mike. We were going to go Magic Mike. I know, but I was going to, we were going to go to Magic Mike because I wanted to write.

a bit about it in the upcoming show which then I still not have been to the magic light but again I wouldn't know what to do with myself I would feel just so incredibly awkward these oily men just just dry humping air and then they pull one woman out of the audience you know it'd be me like there'd be somebody that like they just look for an unwilling volunteer I mean like I do at comedy shows I look for the person

who looks the least interested in coming to speak to me that's just a little heads up by the way if anyone's coming just look really keen to talk to me and i'll just fuck you off because you won't be interesting to me right but i look for the person looking at the floor looking like they would be anywhere else other

than in a room with me and I go for that person right and that is what the men from magic mate would do and I would be hoiked up onto the stage I'd be put on a chair there'd be six of them all just flapping their willies in my face and I'd just be screaming not in pleasure just like make it snap make it snap make it stop just slapping them all away like whack-a-mole so um at my hen do we went to amsterdam and um i was taken to this really shady club but it was really shady

and the reason we were in the shady club because it was the only place that they could arrange to get a stripper in anyways in Amsterdam feels unlikely there's a full blooming part of the city where you go for that yeah there's a whole street where you could just yeah so anyway I don't know how it all happened

but what I do remember was this is about midnight bear in mind we'd started drinking about nine o'clock in the morning right so we get we absolutely we'd been we'd been decorating dildos oh lovely decorated cocks that was our um entertainment and activity for the friday so instead of learning a shit dance routine to beyonce all the single ladies you just went off and just decorated dildos

all given these plaster cast cocks and loads of stuff and it was like evelyn would have loved it oh i'll keep it in mind for a ninth birthday party

And everyone was doing like, oh, it was brilliant. So funny. But yeah, so then we ended up and I'm a bit like you. I get a bit socially awkward, but rather than me... shying away I end up being more of a dick and I kind of like I get even worse you rise to the occasion of a penis yeah you rise up there's a video I think I've seen the video he's trying to kind of give me a seductive dance I'm having

None of it. And I somehow end up sitting him down and pool dancing. But then he picked me up and dropped me. And bear in mind, this is when I've got really bad back as well. You've got that back? Yeah. Oh my God. Where there's blame, there's blame. Yeah. But so that was on my, but then.

I can't believe I've never told you the story of Loz's stripper. I don't know. Maybe you have. Sophie, you will die.

for loss attendee she's quite she's she's quite clear in terms of what she wants in life is our right very direct well that's what we like it's what we like decisiveness yeah she said i don't care what we do where we go there's only one thing that i really really want which is a big willied stripper and it was right okay okay duly noted so anyway organize somebody who was in like it was like the dream boys of brighton hang on sorry can i just how does one source that specifically in an email

Do you go online and pick them? Just type in strip. I didn't go specifically big willy stripper. I just said stripper. Stripper. But has to have in the notes the biggest one you've got. I would love to see your Google history in comparison to mine. Oh, mine's very shady. But for comedic purposes. So anyway, this stripper, he was one of the dream boys, right? An official dream boy. He's probably stood in for them once or something. Anyway, so in he comes, he's like, we've got...

that comes to our little apartment we've got and there's loads of games going on. I answer the door and he comes really tall guy, big guy. And I was like, oh, just run upstairs into the bathroom. So he's in the bathroom and he's like, right, just give me 10 minutes and I'll be, I'm just going to get myself ready. I was like, okay.

So I'm downstairs, like, obviously just feeling a bit, like, awkward. Like, oh, just wait. He was this naked man upstairs in my bathroom. Yeah, right. So then I was like, oh, God, I know I'll go and ask him if he wants a drink. walked upstairs and I was knocked on the door and I was like hello and he opened the bathroom door like this and he's like hiya and I went oh

And I was like, I just wondered if I could get you a drink. He's there with his penis pump, pumping away quite happily and openly, just pumping away his cock. And he goes, pumping it in his penis pump. Like, and he just went. No, I'm all right. Thanks. It won't be long. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God. Like a reverse balloon animal. Like he was, oh.

but he was it was literally like he was just going milk and two sugars he was like nothing to see here people just nothing to see because he didn't have a hand for a drink did he didn't have what he needed both hands in the game Wow. I mean, I guess you didn't see it before. Does a penis pump work? Maybe add a little, like a little button mushroom, you know, when you go to the pick and mix at the cinema and you get them little, them little mushroom ones, maybe add one of them.

And then afterwards, he had a proper like gummy snake. Oh my God, honestly, I didn't know that these things were actually a thing. Did you know that? No, like I said, Steve's birthday in August. I know what I'm getting in. Now it's rule reversal. No, exactly. I've got you and you vasectomy. I've got you. I'm going to do DIY vasectomy. Stick your things in here and I'll just pump it out myself.

But I also feel like we are all souls alive by these strippers because, you know, you go, oh God, look at the size of that one. Actually, it's because it's been in a pump. Is it not just the whole time? Is it not a little bit like, you know, when you've blown up an airbed and the second that you take the pump away, it starts going down? Was it not like throughout, were you all like, what's that noise? throughout was that like was it not just slowly just like

Like retracting back into itself throughout the whole time. But I've got the best picture ever of the hospital stripper. Where she's just, her face is just a picture. She was very happy, though, that she got what she asked for. She was very happy. Oh, lovely. Well, she didn't quite get what she asked for because it was all smoke and mirrors, wasn't it? Absolute lies. she's been housed by a penis pump so there you go guys but i am off to google so that's nice Adoucisseur Minimax.

right well I think that probably takes us quite nicely loose onto a bit of urban dictionary corner I think the last urban dictionary corner for a little while yeah last one okay well do you know what so I've gone for a bit of a profanosaurus because by not right oh you're leaning more because there are a lot of similarities in there but

I went on to Profanosaurus, okay, and I looked up, I went, oh, a plumber's tool bag. So then I looked to see what a plumber's tool bag was and it said, see... furry bicycle stand so i clicked on that and then it said c fishminton then i clicked on that then it said c haddock pasty stroke lamb kebab stroke vertical bacon sandwich so i clicked on um haddock past thee then it said see hairy checkbook so then i clicked on hairy checkbook and then i said see hairy cop so then it clicked

on hairy cup and then it said see hairy donut so then I clicked on hairy donut and then it said see hairy goblet which then went see hairy lasso which said see hairy pie and then it said see kipper stroke velcro triangle so the and all of these things mean what do you think is this all just the same thing that's what it's like see this see this so it's like basically see previous well it's just a vagina isn't it

It's just a minge. Plumber's Toolbag, I was going to do that one, but then it took me so flipping long to find out what it actually was. Well, see, I already said a Plumber's Toolbag was like a bag of tricks. So the plumber comes and he's got his Swedish penis enlarger in there, hasn't he? He's got a couple of vibrators in there. He's got his cuffs. He's got his little spanky spank thing. I would have said it's the bag of tricks.

But no, it was just... But I guess it's where the plumber puts his pipe. Oh, well, yeah, that would make sense. I've just worked that out. Yeah, and then tested the pipes and emptied them. Into the bag. Flushed the pipe. Okay, so let's go for Phanosaurus. We'll do one of each. So what do you think?

a minge winker is oh pink to make the boys wink um so you know when you get that random pains before your period you get a shooting vein into into your vagina and then you just go and you jump up from the seat and you don't know it's like a vault of

electricity is just coursed down into you I've never had that before have you oh you've never lived just from nowhere just from nowhere like someone's just got a bow and arrow and shot you in the back yeah just just nowhere just either you just be out and you still be like I just sent that there. It's really painful. It's really unnecessary. Is it just in the Velcro triangle or is it inside? No, it's like inside. It like shoots down.

So from the inside, like down through the Velcro triangle, it's a really weird sensation. Never. Really unnecessary, quite painful. I know others who have experienced the... I've seen a lot of reels and comedy memes about it, but I'm like, oh, I feel like a... Yeah, but you've never had it. yeah so maybe once that happens and then you binge after it's just like oh my god just like the winking like it's got a twitch because i don't want to do it again i don't want to do it again oh no

Maybe it's that. It's not. This is quite clever, actually. Is it? Okay. Is it just when you're ovulating and finally you just like give your other half this like, come on, because you're like, okay, fine, because the fate of the universe depends on us having sex now. So my body is willing and it is ready. Come on over. So almost like a pheromone wink. Yeah. Like the gravity. Okay. Yeah. Come on. It's time. So a minge winker is a striptease artist.

oh to get it a little no so it's almost like a tease isn't it a minge winker i don't think it's an actual movement i think it's more of a phrase like an A nod to come on over. I'm going to give you a wing. Basically a prick tease. A minge wing. Like a minge wing. Oh, okay. I was like, look, here's what you can't have. Oh, so in my head, it was a bit, you know, like you see. A big whale eye and a little skin around it. A vertical bacon sandwich? Yeah, just...

Yeah, just giving a right old, I mean, that's a skill set, isn't it? And when you said, you know, it was somebody who was an artist, I actually went back to that time because Steve and I went to Amsterdam before we had the kids. It was after university. 21 22 and we went and we went into a sex show and it was the it was the least sexiest thing i've ever been part oh my god in my entire life again social awkwardness hi

Nice to meet you. But were you all sat on like school benches? Yeah, like school benches. And there was a woman who came out and she was like the warmer back. She was there.

She was there to really get us going. And she was pulling ticker tape out of a... vagina and then like throwing it like in the audience oh my god no thank you like some people were getting a bit of ticker tape some people getting paper mache it was just depending on where you were in the order of how it came out and then these two people came out and just had this really unsexy sex in on a flat stage in in front of us and oh my god and i couldn't leave

Couldn't leave halfway through because how disrespectful. I mean, I'd get the hump if I was halfway through a set and somebody stood up and left. But if I was halfway through a shag and somebody went, this isn't for me, no thanks, and just left, you'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's wrong with my minge wink? I just, yeah, but that's what I thought it might be, that somebody who actually had a skill set. Yeah, because you could imagine, I bet that there are some striptease artists that could do a minge wink with their minge. Oh, I reckon. Get them on Britain's Got Talent.

100% with a pink poll yes you know those contortionist ones get the legs right over their heads and they could do it so that is a minge winker so let's just do a quick urban dictionary for the road right what do you think flobbing is Oh, I know what flobbing is. I reckon it is when the penis has done its work and it comes out and it has retracted like the penis pump has worn off on it and it's just flopped out.

Just like a slug and it's hit the deck. That's it. Is that it? That's exactly what it's like, isn't it? It's a flubber. It's like that. What was that film that Robin Williams was in? Flubber. Flubber. Yeah. But a penis version of Flubber. It's just, I'm done. And it's just out. It's plopped like a little slug. No more. Thank you.

Or when you can't get an erection and you're just trying to shove it in and it's just like trying to play snooker with a bit of rope, just trying to flub it in. It's a flubber. We've got a flubber, guys. uh so so it's not sexual this one but i knew you would have a sexual

Well, if you have a dictionary, I thought they were all sexual. It sounds very sexual, doesn't it? Okay, is a flobber when, oh, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. No, no, it's not that. I could have another crash. It's an action. Flobbing.

Oh, right. It's an action. It's a verb. It's an action. All right. Oh, just like when you get a bit of mucus at the back of your throat and you flob it up. Like gobbing. To flob. Gobbing. Yeah, like gobbing but flobbing because it's got phlegm in it. Flobbing. No. No? I really like what it is, though. Because you've definitely done this. Go on, then. Oh, no. So, flobbing. is a word for when you're talking to someone and looking for your straw with your tongue while not breaking eye contact.

Like, yeah. I like that. Like you're performing some kind of oral routine on your straw. Have you ever done it there where you've taken a sip of your drink and you've forgotten you had a straw in it and it's poked you in the eye and you're also talking to someone and you're just like, it's such a twat. Gotta style it out like you've just impaled yourself on a soggy paper straw. So there we go. I thought that was a brilliant one to end the series on. Lovely. Lovely. Oh, loose.

bit nostalgic here here we go parenting tales slash parenting fails parenting tales slash parenting fails who will be the worthy recipient of an iconic london triple threat mascara this week my friend lynn so do you know what all right then we've got such a brilliant backup so i'm i'm still do not fear i am I've got some shelved ready for series two already. So do not fear if you are not Lynn. But this one is a cracker. So Lynn says...

So many to choose from. Oh, Lynn, parent of the year. She's got a bad catalogue of her own. I think it was all written in the stars when I told my anaesthetist who provided my epidural that I loved him. With more passion and feeling than I'd ever delivered that line before or ever since. Anyway.

After being whisked away to be prepped for an emergency section, I had the surgical team in a spin when I told them I could still feel and that the drugs hadn't worked. Turns out that still feeling my toes move wasn't an issue as I was sternly told we are not cutting into your toes. You've had an epidural. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah, I have. But also, they just give me a horrible flashback because I ended up having to be knocked out for my cesarean with...

Jack because I could still feel I could still feel my stomach as they were cutting into me anyway cheery cheery carry on So, breastfeeding my firstborn in the first few weeks left me shattered, so I of course followed all the advice of not born baby does. Sometimes, of course, this meant not showering or dressing till much later in the day.

Of course, standard. Baby didn't care that mum had greasy hair and lived in her fluffy dressing gown. And neither did I. However, there came a morning when one of those blissful, milk-filled, baby-shattered mummy naps was rudely disturbed by my doorbell and a delivery from the postman.

Blewy-eyed, I slugged off the couch and to the front door to take the delivery, sign for it and pass some pleasantry about the day and the weather or some shit. It was only after coming back inside and putting the delivery on the stairs that I caught my reflection in the hall mirror. With my massive leaking boob hanging right out the front of my dressing gown.

It's no wonder he couldn't get out of there quick enough. We moved house soon after. I couldn't bear the shit of ever looking at that pussy in the eye again. Imagine. Whoop. Whoop. And like so engorged, so engorged and hot. Like Phil Mitchell had just had a milkshake and decided he didn't like it and was just like spitting it back out again. Ready to be and ready to be.

Just rock hard. Yeah, just absolutely gigantic. Oh, Lynn. I'd have moved as well, I reckon. I'd have moved. But do you know what? Maybe you gave him a lovely little thrill of the day. Maybe. That was the best thing that happened to him. He stored that up in the bank bank. I don't know whether that makes you feel better or worse, to be honest. Maybe it makes her a ninja-winker.

do you know what i'm going to do one more just because i can all right go on oh we're giving out two mascaras look at us billy big bollocks just whoa and this is a quick quick quick one but um so laura i said um when my kids

younger in a nursery they sent out an email saying that they were having a training day I'd just gone back to work kids were always ill and I felt like I was having constant days off so I forwarded the email to my husband and just said for fuck's sake and an all in rye emoji turns out I'd hit reply instead of forward and sent it to the nursery. I got a very sternly worded email back about using that kind of language and it was unacceptable.

Absolutely bloody mortified. I explained myself, or tried to, and luckily they didn't mention it again, but I can still feel my toes curling with anxiety thinking about it. P.S. Love yourself. That's from Laura. Oh, Laura. Oh, God.

move an house i'd have to find a new nursery oh yeah new new child care for me thank you so much um oh but also the the explanation of it we're basically saying sorry i didn't mean to swear to you i i was just swearing about you you weren't meant to see it that was like when that person replied to my story about my face going i still think her face looks a bit weird and i was like sorry so hang on a second you're talking

to me or about me fuck's sake always just check always check when you do your reply where look at the email address at the top people okay it's just basics just check if you did that Which, let's be fair, that's something you would do. And you got a really sternly worded email back from nursery. What would your response be? What would you say? Talk to fuck off. Well, to be fair, it is a bit ridiculous that you're having another training day.

Exactly. My God. What do you need training for to keep my children alive? It's so unreasonable. I've got to look after my own child. Do you get a refund though? Surely you don't have to pay for the day that they're in on a training day. yeah oh no you do oh this is the thing with nursery so you pay nursery and you pay for the whole year

But there are days that they can't go in for training days. You have to pick them up early. You have to like holiday, like Christmas, Easter. You still have to pick. They can't go in on Christmas Day. God. For fuck's sake, liberty.

yeah but no yeah you have to you have to pay it's it's you always have to pay for the training days and the bank holidays and all that he goes to childminder so it's different so he just goes he just pays for the days that he's in oh well there we go oh well okay yeah that's i hope you enjoy your new life in nursery in australia oh

that's it for a little while oh it's been emotion hasn't it it's been emotion but um enjoy your time off and to all the listeners enjoy your time away from us as well sorry did you just tell me to enjoy my time off Yeah, just from this hour of the day. You still have to do all the other shit that I make you do. Yeah, there is no time off people when you work with Sophie. There's really not a message at 11 o'clock at night. I don't think I'm funny anymore. So anyway, we'll still be working.

We'll still be here. We'll still be here beavering away in the background on other things. But you guys enjoy your little break. We'll be back in the new school year. maybe just take a time for reflection maybe listen to some old episodes maybe get some of your mates involved maybe come and see me at the fringe 15 16 17 18 although i think 16 17 18 is sold out and it's only the 10 o'clock show on the 15th but if you're local

and you want to stop in or if you're not like you're just fancy just a road trip just fuck your kids off it's all the days isn't it you need a break come find me um i'll be doing my work in progress stuff up at the fringe i'm going to be at sand comedy club um and it's it's going to be it's going to be interesting i'm going to take a bottle of tequila make you all do a shot with me so uh if you fancy it come along if not we'll see you very soon hit the jingle

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.