8. Lip Crusts and Fanny Thrusts

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast. Hello everybody and welcome to episode 8 of the Tired and Tested Podcast. It's me,

Sophie McCartney and I'm joined by the beautiful Lucy with the Fringe, or shall we say Lucy with the Cold Sore. How are you feeling, babes? New name. Get it on Instagram quick. It's catchy. A bit like your cold sore. Lucy with the COVID cold sauce. Lucy with the COVID cold sauce. Yeah, how are you doing, babe? Can you believe it turned out last week I'm like, oh, I've got pressures flowing. It was bloody COVID, wasn't it?

But I mean, how retro of you? I'm impressed that you tested, actually, because who does that anymore? I know. Where did you even get a test? Did you just have an old one laying around? I had some lying around and I just was like, I feel appalling and I don't think anyone believes that I feel like shit. So I'm just going to do a test just to... just to find out just to prove just to validate

And then, so yeah, so I was, last week's recording, COVID was with us. We didn't even know. And I love that when you sent round your little, your positive test to everyone, you had to clarify that it wasn't a pregnancy test because we've actually all forgotten about COVID tests, haven't we? Just those two red lines. Oh, by the way, yeah, it's not 2020. Yeah, it's a COVID test, not a friend. Oh, God, I don't know which one would be worse.

But at least you've recovered now from COVID. At least that was a fairly quick, short, sharp dose of it. But you know what? You know the classic thing that happened? Drop Jez off at the train station to go off on tour to Canada. Two hours later, positive toilet test. Boom.

It's always the bloody way, isn't it? Always when they're not there. Like, Steve's... Well, I mean, I haven't had COVID, but the kids have just been an absolute nightmare. Steve's been away a bit this week as well. And every night that he's been away, I could set my watch by Nate waking up at 11 o'clock...

at night and then he would stay awake then till about two half past two choosing violence by the way he was just bitch slapping bitch slapping his new skill you know like every week they learn something new full on flat hand bitch slap to the face

And that's all he's been doing to me is just assaulting me on a day-to-day basis. Steve comes back the other night, right? Sleeps through like an absolute fucking lamb. And I was absolutely livid. I nearly got up last night, right? Nearly got up at about three o'clock in the morning.

I needed a wee, nearly went up and just, well, I obviously wouldn't bitch like my own baby in revenge. Would you like it? Obviously, I wouldn't. Obviously, your honour, I wouldn't bitch like my baby. But I did nearly just go and just... poke him in the face a little bit just to see how he liked it yeah it'll just just like you know like knock and run just like a poke and run a poke and run and then get into bed so then i could then tap steve and go oh babe he's awake

It's your turn. Yeah. But he didn't. And he woke up at seven o'clock in the morning, all just like refreshed and lovely. I was like, What the fuck, mate? Get with the fucking program. Yeah. Absolute bullshit. Fucking bullshit. And then, of course, Steve's then like, oh, well, I don't know what you're complaining about. What's the big deal? What's the big deal, Steve? I could fit my oldie big shop in... fucking eye bags all right that's what the big deal is

Oh, it's ridiculous. Can you feel how angry I still am? I'm still so angry. And I've still got a week. So I don't mean to sound like a prick, but my... But I'm going to. But I'm going to. My children are quite good sleepers. I hate to be like one of those. They're not going to be tonight because you said it out loud. Last week, every night, if it wasn't one, it was the other one. And I was just like, totally.

fucking mooly what was going on and it's because they know daddy's way they're like they do know do you think there is something in that yeah They're just like, let's just be absolute shitbags whilst mommy's got COVID. So yeah, I had COVID and now as you... lovingly, adoringly pointed out, I have now got COVID on my face. But for the first time ever, I've got cold sores up my nose and it is excruciatingly painful. Oh my God, cold sores up your nose. Yeah.

I've never had this before. Wow, I didn't know that was a thing. Neither did I. Well, I did because I've seen people that have had them around their nose, but mine's up my nose. Actually up your schnoz. But you're not allowed to have, you know, the whole key thing is you're not allowed to have oral sex with a cold sore because that's how it spreads downstairs. That's how you get to your downstairs.

yeah so um anyway i've never had oral sex because i don't do that and if anyone's listening so whatever i've never had it guys is it just somebody is it just somebody gets in between your legs and just chats at you for 20 minutes let's wait 20 minutes by the way what a great time i have Can we just talk about how hot you're looking tonight, by the way? I'm getting the vibes, by the way. I know what you're wearing and I'm getting major vibes.

So hang on, I need to stand up and show. So I love this outfit. Show all the ears. Once again, it's a podcast, Soph. It's a, yeah, it's a visual, but you know, if we, yeah, we might put this, we might put a clip of this on, but okay. So just, I'm going to do the visual description then. Okay. So for the listeners whose ears I'm coming. You're in.

into right now um i'm about to stand up and show lucy with the cold sore um my crotch region um because i am wearing um it's a chloe kardashian fabletics ensemble we love that we love that we do love chloe and i do feel

like I am now. You know, it's like the Kevin Bacon thing we talked about. I'm one away. You are one away. You are one away. Okay, so I'm going to just stand up and show. So it's all black. It's very tight. It's got lots of little holes in it. And I am going to show you my crotch, which is another hole. You know.

holes in your hole oh it's holy holes it's the holy holes right so i'm just standing up and look look there's holes in my boob don't don't gag oh god right hang on i'm just gonna can you see all the holes here yeah yeah all right enough with the holes right hang on i'm just standing on the here's the biggest one i'm just gonna here's the biggest holes coming in your face right now. Wait, I'm on there. Can you see? I feel like...

Listeners, just so you don't... Listeners, I'm now crouching on my chair like I'm having a shit in a nightclub and I don't want to sit on the toilet seat. No, do you know what? This is how it feels. I feel like this is what Steve's doing. Oh, I need to sit down my chair.

I feel like I was just having sex with yourself. It looks a little bit like... Can you see my crotch? It looks a little bit... Right in the middle of the screen. It looks a little bit like... that I'm just wearing a gigantic pair of pants because, because audio listeners, my crotch is like a heavy black, like a giant pair of knickers and then the bits directly underneath in the shape of where like the legs would be cut out for knickers is thinner mesh.

And it just looks like I'm wearing a big pair of knickers with a pair of tights over the top. But I've done a school run like this today and it's only just dawned on me now. Look at the ass as well. I'm going to turn. Audio view is now turning my ass towards the camera. Hang on. Oh, my God. Look, look, look. I've done the school run like this. Look. I'm sorry, man. People, I just thought that I forgot to put my pants on. Right, right, listen.

I do not want to look I can basically just all I've seen is you're under carriage now for the last five minutes we'll have to pop that one on socials for all of the yeah so everyone to see that you're welcome the internet you'll make a killing babes oh my god i should start i got a ticket approach to only fans you know can you imagine the kind of grade a content that i would put out on only fans that would be on wouldn't i

Steve had a really weird eye this week. You know how you're weird with holes. I'm weird with eyes. And I'd been in crew. So I had a show in crew last week. Banging, by the way, crew on a Thursday night. Oh, made a little joke about Avanti West Coast. It went off. I was like, fuck you with anti-West Coast. I don't know what that means, but okay.

Oh, so that's our train line on the North West. Oh, right. Okay, okay. They took over Virgin. Yeah, people get very cross with them anyway, but most of the trains run through crew. That was quite a crew train.

train spotting centric joke that one was but anyway the people of crew were there for it so anyway but i came back from crew and steve's just sat on the sofa just rubbing his eye meticulously and i was quite glad he was just rubbing his eye and not anything else when i'd left him alone in the house anyway

So I was like, what's the matter with you? And he takes his hand away from his eye and he was like, I've got a stone in my eye. Right, now any normal person or female person who would have a stone in their eye that they had in, by the way, all day that they couldn't get out. I would have thought at this point would have sought medical assistance to get said stone out of their way. You'd go down for the eye wash. You'd go to a walk-in. You'd get assistance for the pebble.

in your cornea anyway not my husband who's just sat there and just thought that rubbing it persistently for 12 hours is going to help the situation so he takes his hand away from his eye And he's like, he's pulling it apart with his fingers as well. So I can see all the white all the way back to his skull. I can see all the red. And then it's all gone like jellified under his eyes. His eyes like wobbly.

the sounds of jazz recently because Bowie scratched his eyeball and he went babes can you mind just looking at my eye and I looked at it and it was that it was full like jelly I was like I think you need to go get that That checked out. Yeah, I couldn't help him. So the only thing that I could do, because we didn't have an eye wash, so I went up to the bathroom and I got my contact lens solution because I think that's effectively its eye wash, is it not?

literally i stood about three foot away from him and i squirted it in his eyeball while gagging simultaneously just to pull his lashes over his ball. I'm all, not his actual, not his actual walls. I mean, I'm yet to experience it working, to be honest.

And then just made him sit that night for 10 minutes. And then he got a bit of grit out of his eye. Stop, so he did have a bit of grit in his eye? He had grit in his eye. I said to him, how long has this been bothering you? And he was like, oh, since about yesterday. Sorry. Anyway. What was it with these men? Sorry. Yeah. I know. Go to the freaking doctors, lad.

Evelyn had a birthday yesterday. It was a birthday party. So it was good. We haven't caught up about the party. We haven't. We haven't caught up about the party. So I took her rock climbing. Right, my child has never expressed an interest in climbing the North Face. She's just never been that down with that. She doesn't really strike me as a rock climber, to be honest.

She's the kind of gal that likes to keep you on your toes hanging off the edge of a cliff. So I'd said to her, what do you want to do for your birthday? And she was never going to be like, oh, bowling, soft play. She just went to the strangest part of her mind. that would be the most difficult yeah for me to organize and went i'd like to go rock climbing

Fucking brilliant. Of course you will. So anyway, I took her and 10 of her mates and dangled them off ropes for two hours. But I found a really good place. It was in Chill Factor. which I think they're all over the place, shall fact, but anyway, there's one near Trafford Centre, still took her there, and it was good, it was good, but they'd only been open for a few weeks, and I would say, and this isn't a pun about the fact that it was rock climbing, but they were still finding their feet.

still finding their feet a little bit so yeah it was a little bit chaotic in places but the kids all had a nice time and i tell you what though they were brave there's no way i had to get up on the top of there because once they get up they basically just abseil off the top but anyway yeah i had to make a koala birthday cake as well. Now, again, never has she ever expressed any interest in koalas. None whatsoever. And I didn't have the heart to break it to her that they're carriers of chlamydia.

Because then you would have to explain to her what chlamydia was, babe. What chlamydia is, yeah. I was like, oh, they're the most unsavory of all the animals. Yeah, you're probably best not to go into that, to be honest, yeah. So anyway, but she's very hands-on as a child. She's very crafty, which I love about her.

but she's also very strong willed and she has a lot of opinions on what she wants which again I love her for love her for not at nine o'clock in the evening trying to make a koala birthday cake with a small child who's very insistent on one of the eyeballs that she's making for it basically to look like how steve's eyeball looked after the stone was in it

And I'm there with my Pinterest perfect koala eye. It looks amazing. I could be, at this point, a Disney Pixar animator. It was that spot on. I've never been so proud of making anything in my life. My three children included, okay? This eyeball was incredible. The perfect one eyeball, yeah. Yeah, there's Evelyn's eyeball looking very much like this koala had popped a pill on Ibiza and couldn't focus anymore. That's what the...

and I'm there having this debate with her and it's just going on and on and on and she's like but mummy it doesn't have to look like an actual koala I was like yes it fucking does okay because all the other mummies are going to be coming to the party and they're going to be judging my cake and thinking I was off my skull when I made the koala.

the pill and ibiza and make the koala birthday cake anyway we negotiated in the end i got her to do an eye that was like my eye um and in in exchange she managed to put like a really weird tongue on so like it you know it after it had this little drug episode

was just really thirsty and his tongue was like hanging out of his face he'd had an ecstasy tablet and it was gurning um and and then she made some daisy hair clips for it to go in and anyway i think they were very impressive they were very impressive so i think actually i think we pulled it off

off in the end um and it was all good and it tasted nice and do you know what looked really nice on instagram i got about 4 000 likes for it so you know jobs are good and my friend steph she is Very organised. She said about six weeks ago, do you want to come pumpkin picking on this date? And I was like, do you know what? I didn't even know. I didn't even know that you could pick yet. So, yeah, went pumpkin picking and fuck my life, Sophie. It was...

not the thing to do when you've got a baby. I thought, do you know what? I'm going to strap Bowie in the sling because then I don't have to worry about the... the buggy on the field. But then, so then I've got my, and then I've got Kit and then you get up to where you go through.

they like take a wheelbarrow and i'm like i haven't got i've got my bag i've got my child i've got my i've got my i've got but then what shoes were you wearing as well i was i was wearing sensible shoes were good so i was really excited about going and i thought oh do you know what it'll be so nice get some nice pictures of the boys in the pumpkin field it was it was it was just far too stressful i could have told you this yeah i could have told you and what part of dragging small children

into a muddy field just to pick a pumpkin out the ground seems like a great idea. Do you know what... Because you can just go to co-op and just pick one for like a quid and then buy a bag of Haribo and take him home again. Do you have to pay to get into the field? Yeah, I can't remember. I think it was... And then do you have to...

to pay for your pumpkin or presumably you get your pumpkin shut up sorry you have to pay to get into the field and then you have to pay for your pumpkin you don't have to pay to get into co-op babe don't they just let you walk in

You need to just walk in. Obviously, you have to pay for your pumpkin, but you can also buy a bottle of wine at the same time. Why would you do that to yourself? I can't believe that you have to pay to go to the field. Man, you've been had. I know, I've totally been had. Can I also just say, for the record...

Pumpkin carving with children. What a health and safety nightmare that is. No child actually carves their own pumpkin because you need like a Michael Myers style kitchen knife to penetrate the toughness. of those specific pumpkins. So you have to do it for them. So they're like, let's do pumpkin.

And then you sit down and then you're like, oh, actually, I've got to do the carving. I did one for Evelyn one year and she was very... insistent on having a very intricate cat of course she was at least it wasn't a koala but it was very intricate it had whiskers it had a million gazillion detailed

hairs in the fur. It had everything going on. It took me about four hours. I put her then to bed. She was delighted. We put a little tea candle in it. We took a picture. Lovely. I put it on the fireplace in the living room, put everyone to bed, came downstairs, the dog would eat. It's a whole freaking pumpkin that the dog had eaten. Tea light and everything gone. Poof. As well as my soul.

But do you know what? I have to say, Halloween is Evelyn's absolute favourite time of year. She holds Halloween in as high regard... as Christmas and I don't know what it is well yeah and then she likes the idea of just going round to pensioners houses and threatening them for sweets yeah and things from them and if they don't then she's going to rough them up and she She's just on board with that. So we felt a bit bad this year because I don't know about you, but when I was growing up...

My parents weren't into Halloween and I don't know whether it was as big a deal back in the 80s and the 90s. I'm not sure. It wasn't as big as it is now, I don't think. It wasn't. And my parents used to say, oh, well, we're not going trick-or-treating because it's glorified begging. And it kind of...

of it is i do i do see that but you know i think there are i think nowadays people are up for it aren't they you know the people who are up for it you know it's very obvious the houses that you can go trick-or-treating in and it's those you know the ones who sit in a shroud of darkness and hide in their back rooms yeah until all the kids

gone past you don't go to those houses so i'm a little bit more on board with it now but yeah so i didn't do it as a kid so i've never really been that into it but she's just so into it so anyway we've decided this year we're gonna go powerful leather yeah and we've we've got all that we've had a load of like skulls and some bones yeah we're gonna plant them all up outside jack's got it in his head he's gonna stand there really still for three hours and just wait for people

to come so we can just jump on them and he wants to go as the Grim Reaper so Evelyn originally wanted to go as the Grim Reaper but she didn't know what the Grim Reaper was she just heard about the Grim Reaper so she's like I want to go as the Grim Reaper I want to go as the Grim Reaper and then Steve said to her in a moment of beautiful parenting you do know what the grim reaper is don't you evelyn she was like no daddy at bedtime

tell sister sits her down sits her down at night 10 just about to go to sleep she just read a school reading book something about a bunny and tells her that the grim reaper is a evil and mythical creature that lurks in the shadows for you to die and then he comes to collect your soul. She came running into me with his machete.

Yeah, crying her eyes out. I don't want to go as the Grim Reaper daddies told me all about the Grim Reaper. I was like, good one, Steve. Brilliant. Can we recycle the cat costume from last year? Good old night.

Here we go. I'm excited, Luce. I'm excited because it is time for Urban Dictionary Corners. What have you got in the Lucy locker? tonight, you filth bag. This was submitted in 2022, so it's quite a fresh one. Oh, it's a fresh, yeah. It is fresh, so let's see how down with the kids you are. See if I'm down with the kids. What is a rebound rug? Oh, a rebound rug. It's a rebound rug. Maybe. When somebody is giving...

The oral sex. The oral sex. When somebody is giving that oral sex, Margaret. When they're doing their oral sex. Onto a lady. But they feel a little bit jippy. And it's maybe like a bit... I see what you've done there. And then they vomit in a funny... Is it when you're vomiting funny? And, like, your food's rebound into the rug. Is that a rebound rug? No. By your head and your hands, that's a hard no. Do you know what? Okay, okay, I can... Is it close?

What is it called? No, it's not. It's not. It's not. But I love the creativity behind it. Well, I just, you know, you've got to think outside the badge box, haven't you? Okay, a rebound. Well, okay, well, I would say then another one, if it's not that, I would say rebound rug is if... You just, you're getting over somebody and you just rebound into that rug. So. A rebound rug is the neglected untamed growth that follows after a long sexless breakup.

The victim has typically forgotten until their pants are lured in front of their new partner, who is unable to see the tree through the forest. So basically, it's a married sex. It's a married sex, is it? We're back here again. Do you want the month occurrence? It's also the rebound rug. um so so for the for the example me how'd that day go last night josh i forgot to bushwhack beforehand so i rolled out the rebound drug for it

Sorry, I love that he called it a bushwhack. I forgot to bushwhack myself. So I just rolled out the rebound. Like a red carpet. I just rolled out. I love the mental image that I have for rolling out. Like the red carpet. Yeah. Like it just keeps going. Like the ones, like the thin ones you get for halls and landings or down a staircase. One of them.

Scare runner. I know. I love that. A bushwhack. Another name for manscaping, clearly. We got two for one there, didn't we? We did. We did. Every day's a school day. Would you like one more, one for the road? Let's go one for the road. Right, okay, so what do you think coccolitis is? Cockalitis. I love this game so much, by the way. Oh. Is it somebody... He's got a lot of genital herpes going on on the penis. Is it somebody's penis currently looks like your face?

God, love you too. Thanks very much. Just little, like, pussy wounds all over it. Like something from 1302. Something from when syphilis was running wild. And you go, they rolled out, they bushwhacked, rolled out the rug. But unfortunately, what was waiting beneath when they peered through the trees was a coccolitis. Was there? Yeah. The commonly known coccolitis. Yeah.

it's a dirty penis it is a dirty penis that needs some penicillin it's not it's not coccolitis is when you suck too much cock it can be given to both people and female this may cause throwing up cock falling off coughing and a sore throat all of that is coccolitis anyway so there we go coccolitis

from too much it's basically it's the outcome of sucking too much cock I think I'll be alright I think I'll be fine Onwards. from Urban Dictionary Corner, I feel that this is a much more savoury part of the podcast. This is a little bit more of the family-friendly version, potentially. Time for a little bit of parenting tales slash fails. What have we got?

today well this is um this is this is a good one and also there are many learnings oh good we always like one that we always like one that everyone can take something away from it which you know which i know we do do with urban dictionary corner as well and people take a lot people do learn a lot from us i feel that we are yeah we're very educational so this is actually from one of my friends

I'm going to call this one the car park. So many things happen in car parks, don't they? Oh, which way could it go? Oh, it's not dogging. How very disappointing. Do you like two dogging car parks, do you? Two dogging car parks? Well, I reckon now because supermarkets are 24 hours, it's kind of ruined it, hasn't it? You know, somebody could just be pulling up next to you because they've had to run out for some emergency cowpaw. But then maybe that's the whole joy of it. Maybe get caught.

Yeah. Maybe. Somebody banging on the window going, excuse me, you know, you park in a child and parent spot. Yeah. Where's your kid? Where's your kid? That pisses me off. Yeah. Where's your fucking kid? I got really mardy the other day because two pensioners, they pulled up into a parent and child space and they got out and they didn't have it. I mean, they might have had a child, but they were probably...

58. So I don't think it counted. And they got out. And I mean, I know that they were elderly people, but I just think, that's not for you. It's not for you. Anyway, sorry. But I didn't want to be that person that shouted at an elderly couple because, you know, they might have forgotten their blue badge or something. So I didn't want to be that person. I just quietly judged them in my mind. I have to say that's one of the best things about parenting.

It really is, isn't it? Isn't it? It's the best thing. Getting closer to the door. Yeah, oh my God. I got one outside Marks and Spencer's food hall the other day. Oh my gosh. And just strolled straight in to get my bag of Percy pigs. Did you open that door really, really wide? Yes, so wide. So wide, yeah. Yeah, just got the car seat out, just swing it around because I had all the space.

Beautiful. It's a blessing. I mean, yeah, having children is a blessing, but that is right up there, isn't it? Yeah, it's right up there. Anyway, as you were. The car park. Anyway, yeah, back to the car park. We digress. We digress. Okay, so the car park. Hi, Sophie and Lucy. I have many parenting tales, but this is probably up there with the ones that shouldn't be discussed around social workers. The best kind. Right, so...

About this time last year, we'd recently had our fourth baby. Fourth baby. Now, we already had twin seven-year-olds and a five-year-old. Ooh. So as you can imagine, mornings were, and they still are, a little bit frantic. A little bit busy, yeah. So my baby was about 10 weeks old at the time and I was definitely in the depths of sleep deprivation.

One morning, I was delighted to have successfully dropped the three eldest children at school, which is quite a feat, I would say. You know when you first have a baby and you do like, I remember doing the nursery run and being like, I done it. I got out the house. Amazing. So anyway. As I was walking back to the car, I saw a friend and I went over to tell her some extremely important gossip.

I then proceeded to get into the car, drive off. Radio 1's 10-minute takeover was on and it was particularly wonderful. I do like a 10-minute takeover. I'd been in the car for about 10 minutes when my phone went. It was another parent from the school. She doesn't usually call me, so I was slightly intrigued and I answered. I could hear a baby crying in the background, which was odd because I knew that this person didn't have a baby. Oh no. She said...

I think you may have left your baby in the carpet. Oh no. Oh, my God. I turned in panic to look into the back seat and to my absolute horror, my baby's car seat was empty and I had indeed left my baby.

In the car park. But in what? If it wasn't in the car seat? What, like in the pram? Just on the floor? Actually in the bit that is for the parent and child bit? She actually left the child in the actual space that said parent and child? I'm so anxious for this situation right now because this is my worst nightmare.

I give my children numbers. I give them numbers when we get into the car and everybody's got to shout their number out. Oh my God. Like brownies. Brownie guys on it. Oh my God. Oh my God. So yeah, so she'd left her baby in the car park. I assume, I think in like maybe the pram. A Moses basket? Was there a stream? What happened? Sorry, carry on. To really add more zest to the story, the mother that found my darling baby boy on the pavement was a girl.

now lady, that I used to babysit. Oh no. I'm a really responsible adult. The only reason she knew it was my baby is because... Thankfully, in capital letters, all my children look pretty identical. So she thought it must be it must be. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Anyway, she said he was absolutely fine.

I've never done it again. And I'm very grateful for the strong genes in my children. Oh my God. Oh no. So, I mean, that makes me feel sick to my stomach. It's sick to my stomach. Can I also say, she said... recently she also says at the end i'm just have to plug it sophia i recently came to your show in cardiff and had the most wonderful evening thank you from beth thank you beth oh my goodness

Well, I mean, I... Right, so I do say that does make me sick to my stomach and I've never done it. I can't, I can't. I had a slight... I can kind of see how it's happened. So now with three, and again, not too far, too dissimilar from four. So... this Saturday so I haven't because I've been away touring I don't normally have weekends off but because it was Evelyn's birthday weekend that's it blame the tour

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my daughter for this as well. How dare she have a birthday? So I ring fence the dates. And so I hadn't got anything booked in. So I was going to be... fun mummy at the weekend I was going to take Jack to football in the morning and I don't normally do the football um like standing at the side of the pitch because I'm normally somewhere else um and so we did that but it was like manic getting them out the house getting them to football on time

there for two hours I forgot my phone as well which you know could have forgotten something else but I forgot my phone so I had nothing to entertain Evelyn with so she just sat there for two hours and whinged at me because now he's he's big he's

in the 11 squad they have to pretty much play a full length football match standing at the side of the pitch it was bloody freezing anyway stress stress stress stress stress got them in the car got them back it was dead muddy so i'm like stripping off all their shoes at the door get in there

house put your coat away put your shoes away i've like stripped all my stuff off put it away went to make a coffee because i was frozen to the bone and sent jack up to the shower go wash your bits they're all there and i went where's your brother Look round, Nate's not there. Nate's not in the house. I was like, oh. Oh my god, oh my god, where's Nate? I was like, where is he? Where is he? Oh my god. Where was he? I opened the door. And he was just...

He sat outside in his car seat just looking at the door. And taking him out of the car, putting him by the front door while I was getting all the kids out. And you forgot about it. And I'd just gone in and I'd just shut the door and I'd left him outside, sat in his closet.

I mean, he was funny and he wasn't even crying. He was just looking at the door waiting for me to open it again. He's probably enjoying the peace, to be honest with you. To be honest, he was probably having a lovely time outside. Sounds like absolute chaos inside. I'm just going to sit here. She'll come back for me eventually. I'm just going to look at...

the paint drying yeah but i mean oh my god but that's that's the that's the closest i've ever got oh my god and it was only a couple of minutes but i was like oh my god it makes my it does make my my stomach flip because do you know what I would do in that situation if that happened to me I would spend the rest of my life thinking what if what if so yeah we're quite similar like this I am a massive reliver of things that haven't happened also so if one of the kids

runs towards the edge of the road they're not they don't have they haven't gone in the road there's not a car coming but i will imagine that they've gone into the road and a car has been coming and then i will relive that for about six weeks that they nearly died they they didn't nearly die but that's what

be going on mentally in my head so yet that would send me under lovely so there we go we do want more yes please please please continue to send in your parenting tales we love them they give us a good old laugh um if you have them you can send them in so I'm going to try and get this right you can send them to tiredandtestedatacast.com

My God, I've finally done it. Eight episodes in. I've remembered the email address. Thanks so much. Thanks so much. So yes, please do. Keep them coming. And we shall be back. We shall be back next Thursday with more of the same, more stories, more Urban Dictionary Corner.

more of your tails. And I think that's... Hopefully, less cortisol. Yes, Lucy's face will be looking a lot better next week. Lovely. And I probably won't thrust my crotch into the camera as much. I mean, I can't promise anything. I think you've given enough crotch for the rest of the series, to be honest. I think the crotch is done. I think nobody... I've spoiled myself for OnlyFans now, haven't I? No one's going to be paying me for me because I've been giving it away for free. Fuming. Livered.

Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snap, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.