7. Phantom Turds and Backwards Birds

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

Welcome to episode seven of the Tired and Tested podcast with me, Sophie McCartney. We're also joined today by a very screamy, whingy, nitty chops down in the kitchen who is refusing point blank to eat an omelette and Steve has apparently... force-feeding it down his throat like he is a goose for foie gras. I've also got...

Lucy with the fringe. Hey, Lucy. A little less screamy. A little less screamy on the end of the line today. A bit less screamy, yeah. But I've got Jez trying to stop my three-year-old from killing a rendition of Elton John's I'm Still Standing on his toy. keyboard. I think I'd take that. I'd take that over the anti-omelette protest that is happening in my kitchen right now. Absolutely livid. Hashtag working moms. Yes. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, he's just taking great events. I don't know maybe whether he was just a bit, he'd gone a bit Californian and he just wanted egg whites only and Steve's given him a yoke and it's just all gone to shit down there. Anyway, I'm a little bit husky this week as well. Apologies, I'm a little bit croaky because I've had the child look. I've had the child look.

to say i am here for my voice i feel it's like a little bit sexy do you know what i mean like yeah a little bit like feet like phoebe and friends because i can relate all my life episodes back to an episode of friends um when she gets the cold and she's like smell again yeah you've definitely got a line voice is that like one one one but for sex i don't know hello sex line um is your partner bleeding out of an orifice somewhere are they still breathing brilliant carry on

But I've also got a cold, but I'm on day one. I don't mind a cold when I get to the sexy bit like you, but I'm on day one. I've got the drippy throat, itchy nose, itchy ears. Are you doing that thing where you have to rub your tongue at the back of your throat?

Oh, it's horrible, isn't it? It is so gross. Also, it sounds like the world's worst blowjob, doesn't it? Completely fucking terrifying blowjob. Have you ever tried to explain that to your kids? Like when Jack's like, Mummy, I've got an itchy ear and I'm like, what you need to do is you need to...

you need to rub it with your tongue he's like got his tongue out his mouth um also um jack has got a really abnormally long tongue he can get his tongue into his nostrils um and steve has made the mistake of telling him that it's actually

like a great thing he's like oh my god he's like you've got skills and now because he said that jack thinks it's really impressive and not everybody can because not everybody can do this but it just means when we're out and about he suddenly just shoves a tongue up a nostril and i'm like

And he said, but daddy said, I've got super skills. I'm like, well, daddy's fucking wrong. Put your tongue away. You little dirtbag. Boys are lush, aren't they? Boys are lush. Yeah. Although Evelyn has got previous as well. So yeah. Oh my God.

You know what, babe? Last week when we were talking about the bum worms, I would jinx myself horribly. And I'm not going to divulge too much because I don't want to, you know, I don't want to embarrass any of my said children.

But we've had to have an incident this week where I had to do the emergency message round to the mum's WhatsApp group at 10 o'clock at night to see if anybody had the special tablets that you have to take. This has never happened to me before. It's never happened. And I don't know.

it wasn't a confirmed kill okay because i didn't see it i didn't see it with my own eyes it came second-hand knowledge to me via my mom who had been in a situation when we'd been out for the evening and um and so i so i wasn't 100 sure because there'd been no itching

there'd been no itchiness but then we were discussing last week how you don't always have to have the itchiness and that was news to me so then I was just very very very suspicious and I was like well do you know what we've not seen one officially in the flesh with our own eyes but I'm just going

going to nuke literally the shit out of everybody in the family with i'd rather just take the tablet and just deal with it and be done so so that's just what that's what we had to do so that was great so that was lovely God. Weirdly, my neighbour messaged me saying that her little one had bum worms and I was like, oh my God, we just talked about this. I feel like there's a bum worm epidemic at the minute and I'm really worried that it's because we didn't stay.

Like the bed bugs. Like the bed bugs. Like the bed bugs. There's a lot of parasite action. Paris. And do you know what I have today? Paris. Parisite. that's also what I imagine what I imagine a bed bug looks like also do you know also before I had the text message from school about head lice as well so it's I know I know. And so there's been the bum worms. I feel it's like the trilogy.

of just terror, isn't it? The trilogy of terror. You've got bum worms, you've got bed bugs, and now there's headlights. And you know, I'm not great with bugs. If I was ever a celebrity, I could never do I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. What have they offered you?

I don't know half a mil I don't think you could pay me and I'll tell you there's a few reasons why that I would never do it and the first of which being um I am incredibly um phobic of flying so getting me to Australia in the first place is going to be problematic Getting you onto the plane, probably in business class as well. Probably business class with, you know, with Qantas, I would throw an absolute shit fit. She's going to be great when she has to jump out of the plane at the other side.

well exactly and because I would feel that they would know that about me and then they would throw me out of a helicopter attached to yeah like kangaroo keith or whatever his name is he runs the outback shack on the program and they'd just throw me out with him i'd shit myself on television like poo would come out of me as i was coming out

of the plane it would like fling up and hit me in the face it would just be this whole thing then I'd vomit then it so you would see all of my bodily fluids on television within the first three minutes okay so there's that to contend with and also I'm a very fussy eater still as an adult

like there's certain things that I won't eat. No, I mean, it's an example to this. I will not eat mayonnaise. So I'm not going to eat a blended like witchy grub am I I'm not I'm not gonna do that and I've got quite a jippy gag quite a jippy gag reflex I have, like, and, you know, it's the drinking things for me. I could not drink, like, a pint of, a pint of dick. I couldn't, I just couldn't do it. Penis milkshake. That's what it looks like. Yeah.

Like a penis collider that they'd give me. And I'd be like... No. Penis collider. So, a penis collider. And actually, I'd probably be quite boring because I quite enjoy a bit of plain rice. for food as well as a proper fussy eater so they wouldn't they wouldn't break me with rice and beans because I'd be like oh nice I like a bit of plain rice every now and again um so I think yes I'd be a screamer I don't like bugs I just I still to this day cannot pick up a spider and

a house spider and I know it's not going to kill me and I just I just I just don't don't want all the legs on me I don't like that don't like the idea of that um and the dog eats them for me so yeah there's so multiple reasons why I don't think I could ever if I was ever in the position of being a celebrity that I would ever go and do. Well, personally, I feel like that was the best pitch ever for the producers. If you're listening, give me a call. I'm waiting.

Go on, Sophie. It'll be fun. Like Cozy Joes in Newcastle. Have we talked yet about Cozy Joes on here? We have, have we? Oh, my God. After we went to the Newcastle, so after I did the Newcastle show a couple of weeks ago, Lucy's like, right, I'm going to take you out in Newcastle. We think we talked pre-show, didn't we? We recorded this before the show, but we actually haven't gone back and reconvene. You were very...

We haven't reconvened, but what happened afterwards. So Lou sets the scene for me. So she said, babe, I'm so excited about you coming to Newcastle. I'm going to take you out in Newcastle, show you all the sights. Now, you know, I would, you're a fairly classy bird. It's not like I said show you all the sights. I said I was just going to take you out somewhere.

nice well okay well then by that I've obviously assumed that you're going to show me the good sights of Newcastle what did what did she do for you did she hire out a full swanky private area in a bar for you and filled it with friends you did and that was lovely thank you that part thank you I should have gone home after that I should have I should have you

I should have realised at this point by how much Prosecco that you had had and then the amount of years that I'd known you that at this point I should have just left and gone back to my room and eaten a picnic in my bed and gone to sleep. This is what should have happened. What then subsequently happened is Lucy... started telling me about this cool place and these are these i've never been there's a cool place i've never been exactly

Yes, but the way that you pitched it to me, babe, this cool place that I've never been, like you'd seen this like really amazing place and you were like, wow, that seems like a really vibey. vibey place that we need to go to. And I'm going to take Sophie. It's called Cozy Joe's. And in my head, I'm thinking Cozy Joe's is like a really weird name for some kind of like elite rooftop bar. But you know, maybe it's cozy and maybe it's run by a hot guy called Joe. I'm there anyway.

off we go now as we're walking Lucy's got her friends with her as well and they're kind of as we're heading towards the Cozy Joe area they're giving me a bit of a backstory to the area in which we are heading of Newcastle and the minute I started to get a little bit suspicious is when one of you friends was telling me do you know what I really like about this area though there's always quite a high police presence and I'm thinking I'm thinking oh

Oh, now is that just because it's always full of celebrities, maybe? And, you know, they need to be like, get back, stay away. Yeah, you know, maybe that's it. We rock up. to Cozy Joes and I immediately realised it's not because of that reason and because actually directly to the right of the door there were two men trying to kick each other's head in. Anyway, in we go to Cozy Joes. Step one foot inside of the door, then couldn't move the other foot because it was stuck onto the floor.

i'm quite positive no and listen i don't want to be um you know i don't want to be too much of a debbie downer on cozy joes because i know now subsequently it's kind of like a little bit of a newcastle institution right you know people it is a thing people go to cozy joes and they love

their time at cozy joe's but i told my hairdresser my hairdresser was like if you have somebody coming to newcastle you need to show them the proper newcastle if i could have taken you to a nice swanky bar we could have been anywhere babes i we needed to show you the real Newcastle. The Newcastle that everyone talks about. And you've done it now, so the next time you come back, I'll take you somewhere boring. Alright?

Could you also take me somewhere where dubious fluid doesn't drip from the ceiling onto your head? And also that when you leave to get your Ruber outside, there isn't a girl in one shoe pissing on the pavement in front of you. That was just the cherry on the evening, wasn't it? It really was. I was shuffling down the road while waiting for the Uber so that the flow of urine didn't get onto my shoes. That was the pinnacle. It was very funny.

It was good crap. But this thing about this Cozy Joes, it was a karaoke bar, wasn't it? But it was an open karaoke bar. Well, they had booths. And I thought, let's just go and get booths, but didn't think on a Saturday night they would all be taken, obviously. It'd be quite busy. Clearly, it was packed, wasn't it? It was absolutely rammed. But I think what I...

I loved, well, there was something that I did love about Cozy Joes. It was the eclectic mix of people who frequented Cozy Joes because you had, like, biker guys with, like, all the tats and the beards and the cut-off denim waist jackets and they were up singing.

in Limp Bizkit on the stage but also they were coming off and then singing along to Dolly Parton when somebody was up doing Jolie and it was just it was a very strange cross mix of society but I was I was I was there for that that that was great you had you had the girls who you know thought

that they were there for X Factor auditions you were giving it everything you had you know you had you know Janet who's 72 who's just popped in to just come and do a little bit of Black Velvet you're talking yourself round now aren't you you're like hang on I'm not I'm not going back. But I think also, it did have another favourite part of the evening news, actually. So, you know, maybe I did secretly enjoy it deep down. It was when you and my friend Drunk Helen, you decided to go and do...

a number yourselves. Drunk Helen then decided to go home, fucked off and left you. She fucked off and left you. And so you had to go and do your song on your own.

But how nervous you were before. And you were like, oh my God, babe, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. Yeah, you were like, oh God, oh God. You were having a proper existential crisis about going up and singing drunk karaoke. I don't remember. Like 200 people. You were having an absolute... yeah like meltdown about it and now again to put this into perspective before I go on stage and I am there having all of my existential life crises what you do is you sit there

And you eat your poke bowl and you scroll on Instagram. And I drink a mug. While I'm sitting there going, and you drink a mug. While I'm going, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. And you're like, you're fine. Shut up. Off you go.

You need to have some calm, grounding people around you, all right? I'm not going to be sitting there going, you're going to be all right, you're amazing, you're this, you're this, you're this, you're this. No, you need to be grounded, babes, and that's what you did. And that is exactly what you were like. Just before I went on to do my karaoke. I think I may have actually said, see how you fucking like it, and then pushed you onto the stage, I think actually is what happened.

Next time you come to Newcastle, I'm taking you somewhere very, very special, babes. Oh, fucking hell, where? On Friday night, to celebrate my coming of age, I went to...

what I can only describe as the best night of my entire fucking life. Right? Yes. I went to Bongo Bingo's. Bongo Bingo? Bongo's a thing? Bongo's Bingo? It was. Was it amazing? right i swear to god let me tell you what have you been before steve's been right so i've been so for but not to an official night so i gate crashed steve's works christmas party so he was working for man city at the time and they'd hired out this really cool underground like arches

in Manchester. And they'd got Bongo's Bingo in to do the night. I'd been at a comedy gig in Manchester and I'd had a few drinks afterwards and I'd just rocked up. I wasn't invited and Steve knew the security guard at work.

shoved me in through a back entrance but i didn't know what was going on and i just walked in to just a lot of people on tables with glow sticks and cardboard cutouts of things and i was like what the fuck is happening i mean i was there for it it was great um but yeah it was it was quite it was quite that that night also actually i got quite drunk and a stroked pep guardiola oh was that the cardigan night

So yeah, Pep went through a right phase. And this is, you don't really know football, so this means nothing to you. But he went through a phase in a season where he would just wear the same grey cardigan. And I love Pep. He's a beautiful man. Sorry, Steve. Might be on the laminated list.

generally Steve didn't really let me within a five foot radius of him um but I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a little bit leery um and so as we were leaving um I went up to him and I got close I got close enough to touch him and so I stroked him and my arm well my hand lingered a little bit too long on his arm and I said to him Pep don't you get ever so hot in your heart again

While stroking him. While stroking him like he's a house cat. Perhaps looking at me as if to say, who is this crazy lady? And please make her stop touching me. So I think he's been like... I think he's been like super polite and has been like... no i was like okay now at this point steve then drags me away i'm a little bit worse for where fall over quite a low table behind me backwards like all in front all in front of his boss effectively um and because i'd also been to a comedy gig at this

point i was kind of gigging around with this giant um i would say what's it's like an a5 is that the biggest or is a5 small what's like a really massive you know like a flip bar flip board chart thing Yeah, like some fuck off gigantic flip board thing that I had mounted onto cardboard that I'd brought with me. And because we were going home, I was taking it with me. And on this was a gigantic drawing of a potato baby kind of style.

kids draw potatoes with with arms in with saggy tits on that was that was me basically there was a picture that evelyn had done of me when i was little that i'd had blown up that i talk about in well i taught at the time in my set that i talked about so i'm standing there holding a gigantic cardboard cutout of me as a potato with saggy tits. I've just stroked this man like he's a cat and I've fallen over a table. Funnily enough, Steve left Man City about four weeks after.

I wonder. Of his own doing. Of his own doing. So yeah, so that's my only experience of bongos bingo. Let me tell you about bongos because it is, it is.

like we need to do it we need to sort of take do a takeover i think because there were so many with like our demographic like our age group um like it's just it's just tables and banquet tables full of people just wanting like to get on the lash and just have a brilliant time and there was a group of students next to me i think that's where i've got this freshest flu from but you got your love

Did you snog them? No, but it's all very, very close. Very confined. Very confined space. But there was a song that came on. So when they first started, they just play like absolutely banging tunes. And they played, you know, we are the children.

Children of the night. You know, like the happy hardcore rave song from back in the noughties. And these girls were all, like, looking at each other like, what's this song? What's this song? What is this? Don't know what this song is. And I was like, whoa! And I realised... that these kids, for them, it was like being at a 70s disco for us when we were that age. Oh, God.

Like dancing to Abba. Dancing, yeah. That's all it was. Like, you know, dancing queen. But they knew, like, the naughty's bangers, but they didn't know, like, the... do you know what right of a similar ilk um that um david getter was is it david getter that's done um the remix of i'm blue and blue david and now it's got words yeah there's words so it's like i'm drunk and

I'm feeling all right. I'm going to have the best fucking night of my life. I mean, possibly not the words and a little bit more tuneful than that. just i'm ad-libbing ad-libbing guys um and and they don't know they don't know they're like yeah it's a it's a brand new song it's not it's it's it's it's not a brand new song it's i'm blue

It was a little house and my windows are blue. I mean, why mess with a classic? Why mess with a classic? It's like when they tried to do a fucking remake of Point Break. Absolutely not.

So I had a little bit of a trauma this week. So I had to go and look around a high school with Jack. No, no, no. not baby jack i know not baby jack i know so this is happening to us so come september he will be joining high school and i just wasn't emotionally ready for it babe we walked around and i could just feel my bottom lip wobbling as we

were going and it was you know it's just so different to prime school it's so big it's such a big high school I mean it seems like a lovely high school as well we're very lucky we live in an area where we've got quite a few good schools around us but he's just had his heart set

on one of the schools. I really hope that he gets into this because he's going to be absolutely heartbroken. But I tell you what, brought back all the high school memories. I've not stepped foot in a high school from my own high school days. And when we went up to go and see the science lab and as soon as we walked up the stairs, I could smell the bunch.

Bunsen burners. Bunsen burners. Because they had all the Bunsen burners. And I was like, I can't believe that they just, and they obviously still do it now, but... It set out a little differently. I don't know about you, but in my high school, every bench, and we sat in rows, had a gas tank. Everybody had a gas tank.

in a Bunsen burner just let a lot of the bloody teenagers and all we used to do was stick our bivos in the Bunsen burner. That was what we did on a day-to-day basis. I just don't think that one should have been allowed really. So it's not now. So it seems a little bit more sensible now. No, I think...

It's not quite like that. They just don't give everybody free reign of fire on a day-to-day basis. But they also had some lungs from an undetermined animal that they were blowing air into. They had some hearts that he was sticking his finger in. I was like, Steve, what's for dinner? You know that they just do...

that for the open day because I remember going for a look around some high schools and I remember being like this looks so cool and then you get you go to the school and you never look you never do any of the fucking cool shit it was just it's just to suck you in tell you what I didn't see much of in the school actually

actually um lockers didn't see any lockers i don't know whether lockers aren't a thing yeah and now i'll tell you one of my biggest memories from high school and this i think is probably one of my favorite stories from high school and something that is going to still trouble me until my

day okay because we had a massive mystery at our school i went to an all girls church of england high school right and it was it was it was quite religious not like ram it down your throat religious but we had to go to Eucharist, like every month, which was just a very long assembly. Yeah, Eucharist, it was like just, it was a God squaddy assembly, and I think we all had to go, and I think we just all had a wafer, and we all thought we had a sip of wine, and we were like, where am I from?

the wine and the bread or whatever. Yeah, you wine and your bread, yeah. Although I don't know really morally where I stand on giving a load of teenage girls a sip of wine at 10am. I mean, could have been Al Coffrey. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. But anyway, so it was a bit like that. But, so something happened on one of our school days. Now, I must have been...

I don't know, maybe 14 years. So wait a minute, your high school was an all-girls school. How did you not know this about me? I didn't realise that you didn't... I don't know. I've never really delved into it. We had boys at sixth form. Oh, boys at sixth form. Boys run out at sixth form. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we had two.

I think, that came at sixth form, who I think just came because they thought statistically one of these girls is going to go out with me. Yeah, one of these girls is going to get me. Surely, yeah, in this school of a thousand girls, one of them. One of them will date me. Anyway, back to date. Anyway, so I was, yeah, I can't remember what year, but I was maybe like 13, 14. And there'd been a strange smell in school for a couple of weeks and nobody quite could pinpoint.

what this smell was, where it was coming from. Anyway, one day, we're in the halls on our way to lessons. There are girls running towards us crying. There are screams in the hall. There is anguish. There are shouts. There are

teachers running, scarpering. We were like, what the plum in hell is happening? Okay, and as we're walking closer towards the scenes of chaos, this smell that we've been smelling for the past few weeks is becoming stronger and stronger and more intense. And as we turn... in the corner all we can see is this black liquid all over the floor in an empty empty carrier bag and everyone's then gagging at this point it's absolutely disgusting

What had happened, no, worse, what had happened is that somebody had taken a shit and a piss in a carrier bag and locked it in a locker. Stop it! Stop it! They'd had a shit in a bag and they'd left it in somebody else's locker as well. But it wasn't their own locker unless this girl had done it to herself. But she'd been targeted and she had had a shit in a locker put in her locker, right? I mean, horrendous, horrendous thinking about it.

She hadn't used her locker in a long while or she'd been off. See, I don't know. But the locker had only just been emptied. The bag had then spilled out and the shit and the piss had then all mulched down and created this liquid and it had gone everywhere.

Oh my God. The absolute scenes, right? So we were all hauled in to assembly by our deputy head, Mrs. Gornall. She was quite a strict lady who took great offence to us and rolling our skirts off. And shitting in locker. And shitting in bags of locker.

shitting in lockers which is which to be fair is probably um a little less socially acceptable than rolling a skirt up at the bus stop to attract the local all boys school around the corner anyway um and we were all pulled in uh we were all threatened with dna testing i mean

But we all believed it. I mean, it was 1996 or something. We weren't all being bloody DNA tested. DNA testing exists back then. I don't know. But we're like, oh, my goodness. Yeah. And so the biggest scandal in our school was who shat in the law. And nobody. and there is a wall of silence.

Okay. For the culprit, the phantom shitter. Okay. And nobody, nobody who goes or went to my high school and anybody who was listening, and I don't want to name and shame said high school, but anybody who's listening, who went, they all know it's like the legend of the locker. Okay.

Nobody knows. And I just think that when I'm on my deathbed, you know, when you think thinking about regrets in life and things that you wish you would have known, I'm going to want to know still who shat in the locker. Man. Oh my God, Sophie. Scandalous. Do you think you should go and do like a full...

Vera and going do you reckon you could look at this I think you know what's that one Unforgotten you know Unforgotten the drama and it's about like years and years and years ago it's a crime that was committed years and years and years ago and they go back in maybe this is the next book phantom shit i think i think it needs a netflix true crime documentary to be honest right i'm just gonna i'm just gonna coin the copyrights to that right now the phantom locker shitter of liverpool

oh my god I can't be so were you like I can imagine right forgive me girls school I just think anybody who went to a girls school horny little who is that right A little judgmental there. Is that what you were...

But we didn't have any boys to express the horniness to. For the ones of us that liked boys, maybe for the ones of us that liked girls, then it was a bit better for the boy-liking community. It's almost like because you didn't have... access to the boys on a daily basis did it make you even

even more like I mean like we knew boys like there were we like it wasn't like we were never allowed to see like we weren't kept in basements like we'd get the bus home with boys and things just between nine and three we weren't allowed to shag boys

I don't think I could have gone to school if it wasn't for boys. Like, what would be the point? Really? That was the people, apart from education. No, but that was the thing that got me out of bed and got me dressed in the morning. It was like, oh, I'll go and see the boy that I fancy. And just creepily look at him all day long. No, I think what got us out of bed was the tiny little paper wafer and a sip of wine at 10am.

Right, I'm excited. I can barely wait to see what disgusting words fly out of your mouth this eve, Luce. Hit me. With your worst, because it is time for Urban Dictionary Corner. What have you got, Luce? What have you got? Can I just check there's no small children around? No, not yet. Not yet. Okay. Right. Tell me, what do you think a reverse ostrich is? Oh, OK. Right, my mind has immediately gone to Rod and Emu. Do you remember Rod and Emu?

That elderly gentleman that had his hand up the emu's ass and controlled him. Is it when... Oh, God. Oh, God. Go on, where are you going? Is it when... I'm sorry if my mum and dad are listening. Is it when you fist somebody and then shake them up and down until they melt them? Do you know what I mean? Like they're like kind of flapping about.

backwards and their legs are just like their legs are just like yeah like just like flapping about next to you is it is it is it something to do with that or like you you put your hand you put your hand up and then you have to do like the mouth the other person's mouth opens and you do a little bit of ventriloquism with them at the same time is it like that no no no okay It's not that. No.

Any other, anything else in there before we... Okay, reverse ostrich. Well, you've got reverse cowgirl. I mean, do you know what? My mind's gone dirty, but there are some that aren't dirty and they're just, they are just, I mean, is it, it would just be very boring, I feel.

for me to say um is it somebody just running backwards incredibly fast tell you what i quite enjoy doing just a side note to this have you ever been out um probably when you've had a few drinks and you've walked past um you know the way they put those temporary signs up to do the speed limits in residential areas and so it tells you if you're going too fast have you ever tried out running one

Have you never done that? Oh, I have. Steve and I have done this on a night out and we've been walking home and we've tried to... go go past it and get it past 30 miles an hour i couldn't do it but steve could do it but it was very funny so i just wondered whether maybe it was that well backwards no no no but god get me on a night out with you and steve soon

We're wild and we also burn off some calories. Just in case you're listening, Brad. Right, well, no, that's not what it is. So let me tell you what a reverse ostrich is, shall I? okay it is a sophisticated form oh a sophisticated form of giving oral sex it's when the woman is standing on her feet knees locked with her back facing your head, arms behind her back, much like an ostrich, it's sticking its head in the ground.

For whatever reason they do that. The woman then bends forward at her waist and performs oral sex on the man who is laying on his back. Right, how's that reverse? I love that you're doing the motion. Because... Thank you for that. Because she's standing with her feet, knees locked, and her back is facing the head. So if a man's lying on the bed, it's the man. The man's lying on the bed. The woman stands up in front of him, but she turns so that her ass isn't...

in his face and then she does a sophisticated move. Can you draw me a picture with Stickman? I don't understand. Do you want me to draw you a picture now? Yeah, please. I struggle massively with logistical things with this. I feel that it needs a stick man diagram because I don't understand.

Because I would have thought that was just a front-facing ostrich. Okay, so first off... Because obviously I would have got it then. Right, I'm going to do it step by step. So here is the man. You've been very generous to him, by the way, in the nether regions. Jez is like, yes. Yeah, right. This picture needs to go on Instagram afterwards, by the way, just for context. Are you giving her boobs? We're making sure everything's correct. I'm just going to have a fringe as well.

oh no no don't this is this is now giving me horrible insights i don't i don't need an image of what you and your husband get up to thank you very much together so look right sorry okay now i've seen the picture that surely is impossible so she's standing up over him so he can see up her ass and she's bending over and giving i can't touch my toes when i bend over

How well endowed? You've got to be really sophisticated and also incredibly good at yoga. That's not a thing. That's not a thing. I'm going to bullshit on that. I think you should try it and tell us before you make that statement. I think you should go and give that a whirl.

I think I'd tear both of my hamstrings. No, thank you. Let's just, hang on. How far could you go down? I'm going to have to get up and do it. Hang on. Yeah, you do. I've done it. I'm going to do it. You see how far you can go. How low can you go? I mean, to be fair, I used to be able to do the cardboard box challenge. I used to be that bendy. But not now. Hang on. Leg straight.

I've got my knees locked. Yeah, right. So Steve's supposedly lying on the floor in front of me. No, no, no, no. Right? No, Steve is behind you looking up at your bum. He's lying. backwards. So his head is behind you. I'm straddling him. You're straddling his legs. I'm straddling his legs. His head is up your ass. Lovely. What a treat that is.

And I'm, no. Right, keep going, keep going. Unless Steve is the living embodiment of the jolly green giant, my head is getting absolutely nowhere near his penis. And I'm not doing him a disservice here. He's blessed in that area. I'm not getting anywhere. Babes, there's a lot of curve on that spine. I want to see it straighter. I can't. My legs don't go. Oh, my God. My hamstrings. I can't.

This is honestly, this is worrying. This is, this is the only way. This is to go on social media because this is not to be missed. This, oh my. No. it's the pain that is radiating into my ash cheeks from here. No. It's not a thing, guys. It's not a thing. Unless you are a bendy pretzel yoga instructor, that's not a thing. And also, in the process of doing that, I'd have farted in his face and he'd have divorced me, so it wouldn't have been pleasant for anybody.

This really caught me by surprise, this one. It was not what I thought. It just was not what I thought it was going to be. What is... A meth-y. A meth-y. A meth-y. Okay. It is either somebody who likes... likes drugs they're method that's what i would have thought or yeah or it's somebody who's super keen on method floor cleaners because they are brilliant and they smell delicious oh my god

The lemon one is sublime and it gets my floor. I've got like a vinyl wood floor thing in the kitchen. Brings it up a treat. Is that a meth-y? I'm a meth-y. Oh my God, I'm such a meth-y. Have you got the one that smells a little bit like almond-y? It smells like... I haven't, my sister has though. No, it's not that. Oh my God, how old are we? It's not that. I was caught off guard. I was caught off guard with this. You thought it was going to be a method. I thought it was going to be a method.

A meth-y... Oh, no. ...is when you fart on your hand and slap someone with it. What? Of course it is. Because that's what most people do on a day-to-day basis. To be fair, I think actually probably one of my kids has probably done that. I think possibly. I wouldn't call that. I'm scratching my face because my lips. I haven't just farted on my hand.

I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. But is that like a more modern day approach to the cup and deal? Sorry, what? You never did a cup and deal? What's a cup and eel? Cup and eel. no not a cup and eel not like I'm not like some cockney like he's about to yeah like he's like some jelly deal and a pie no a cup yeah and a deal a cup and a deal yeah do you know what a cup and deal is What? Oh no. Didn't get this far up north. Is this an...

Okay, so I've not done it in many a year. Although, to be fair, if I ended up trying to do reverse ostrich with Steve, it might happen. You fart into your hand and then you deal it at somebody.

whoffed it in their face yeah so is it like a cup it's like a cup and peel but a cup and slap it's like more painful version of that oh well there you go it's a double insult kind of am a little bit down with the kids yeah brilliant lovely well there we go it's nice it's nice it's had a little upgrade to um be a little bit more violent now it's moved with the times yeah good oh cup and deal's gone quite aggressive

So, shall we move on, though, to some parenting tales slash fails? Yes, we will. Are you sitting comfortably? I am. I'm on a chair that sounds like I'm farting though. So just, it's not that. I'm not about to cup and deal you. My chair's quite squeaky. Right, this one, she's named it herself. This one is called Fill on the Plane. Well, we'll be the judge of that, what it's called, but okay, carry on. Right, here we go. Hi, ladies.

When my now 10-year-old was little, we went on quite a few flights before we got stuck to school holidays. On these flights, she was perfect. The perfect. Devil child. She was the one who fell asleep pre-takeoff and then woke as soon as the engine started and cried for the entire flight. Eight hours back from Florida and I have a video of her falling asleep like a nodding dog.

just as we touched down. In the entire night, she'd spent a week. Anyway, one such time when she was around two on a flight back from Spain, I had my biggest parenting feel. It was a night flight. and she was potty trained so in the day she was potty trained but she still wore a nappy at night i completely forgot this after the hours of being in the airport running around and then with her being awake on the flight as usual so as the seat belt signs came on

We strapped ourselves in for the arrival. She, of course, fell asleep. No nappy. As we start to descend, I noticed a slow spread of liquid seeping out around her. In a complete panic... I somehow managed to wet wipe her up. I shoved a nappy on her and gave her a change all while she was still strapped in. Job done. Skills. No one noticed. Phew. That is until we land.

The seatbelt sights go off and everyone starts getting their stuff. At this point, I hear the guy sat behind us pick up his coat from the floor and say, Oh, my coat is all wet. And it smells funny. So, I have two options here. Turn round, explain and apologise profusely whilst hanging my head in shame.

Or, of course, keep quiet and get off the plane. Keep quiet. Get off the plane, babe. Run. Run. As I'm having this inner argument with myself, who am I kidding? I was always going to keep Sturm and run. Of course you were. The passenger's friend said... It must be from the air conditioning. That sometimes trips. She didn't run and go, yes, it's happened to me as well. Look at me, I'm soaked.

Oh, no. wet pissy coats proper pissy coat that they probably just let dry and carried on wearing love the book and the tour sophie and the podcast is so funny um and that was from natalie and she sent a lovely picture of you which i can see you in your beautiful uh pink sequence so she sent a picture from when she met you at one of your shows isn't that lovely oh well well done yeah i never admit that yeah god i can just

social orders I feel you can smell I can feel hot for the panic the panic of hearing the person behind say that oh my god and I have a fear of planes, obviously apart from flying, that I'm accidentally going to shit myself on takeoff. You know, when they put the belt on and you're not allowed to take the belt off for love, no money. And then if you've ever hit a bit of turbulence on the way up and they make you keep the belt on forever, in my head, I'm just panicking.

panicking, thinking I'm just going to have spontaneous diarrhea. And I don't know why that is. It's never happened to me before. But that is my fear on a plane. And that I would then poo on somebody's coat behind. It's all just going to drop down the seat. So yeah, I feel for her on that one. This feels like it's one of my living nightmares.

Do we think Natalie has told us a story, but actually, do we think Natalie actually just pissed herself on the way back down with turbulence? Oh, that two-year-old!

it is the joy isn't it of going anywhere with kids um if ever i'm out and about and i need like a poo and a public toilet i don't like i don't like that i'm but i'll take the one of the kids in with me and then i'll say really loudly wow that was a big one wasn't it make a big song a dance about the smell and then go out and somebody's waiting there and I'm like sorry sorry

So that's it. Oh, another episode done and dusted for this week. Thank you ever so much for listening and tuning in and coming back to hear our dulcet scouse and Geordie tones. If you have any other parenting fails or tales that you want to share with us, please, please, please do email them in.

We love, love receiving them. And Luce, what's the email address? You still can't get it. I will learn it one day. It is. I will learn it one day. It's tiring. I don't even know Steve's mobile number, okay? I don't know his mobile. I know it starts in 07 and that's as far as we get. It's the same number. over 20 years oh it's go tired and tested at acast.com or you could that is the one you could uh

Drop us a little DM if you want as well. DM, slide in. Slide into the old DMs and we will go from there. So we'll see you next week then, guys. Have a great week and there will be more of the same next Thursday. Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week.

From perky tits to kill and it's a snap, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.