3. Baby Names and Butt Plug Shame

Well, hello there, podcast listeners. Now, just a little heads up before you dive in. This episode has been brought to you by multiple technical difficulties. Now, the sound might be a little iffy in places, but the laughs and the love is still there. So we decided to plow on.

Get it out. And we'll be back next week clearer with less muffles. There might still be some moths, but less muffles. Enjoy. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe place zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan.

Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and handovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and nits to snap, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening. To the podcast.

So welcome to episode three of the Dad and Tessa podcast with me, Sophie McCartney, and Lizzie with the Fringe. Hi, Lizzie with the Fringe. Hello. Can I just say spectacular Fringe today? Thanks. I love it. Thanks. Teamed it with a lovely mum bun situation that we've got coming on. It's not actually a mum bun. So this is a pineapple. Oh, sorry. In honour. of a Craig David just for you yeah the follower of the tequila shot with a little bit of pineapple yeah

Did you remember to get your pineapple juice? No. So I panicked coming into this. I've been a little bit behind on myself today. And I brought in with me some tequila and this. which I'm going to show you, which is a cube of melon. Oh God, do you know what? I wasn't meant to be drinking tonight. You do this to me every week. Do you know what I've got? I've got a lovely pint glass of water.

in a pint glass that we have stolen at some point from a pub. Beaver Town is what it's called as well. I love drinking from Beaver Town. I'm only going to go for Half Bay because I've had a bit of a full week, really, because I've been...

I've been out on tour, haven't I? I do have like a two-marg rule for all of my performances. And I'm just more fun on a marg. I've done four shows this week, so I feel like I probably shouldn't drink that much because I'm not meant to be drinking at the minute. So I've done a... That's probably a single. I found this little tinny of Marg. But do you know what? It was in Morrison's and it was five...

No, four for five pounds. Oh, wait a minute. I can't remember, but there was a deal and I had to get another. And then do you know what I've decided to go for just for nostalgia's sake? I don't know if I can bring myself to drink it because it's going to be a lot of calories that I don't have in my day. From Morrison's, is it a bottle of vodka called Moranoff? Oh my God, you've got an Archer's Peach Snapper tin.

how is it over there in 1998 is it nice i don't know i don't know but they want their archers back um yeah so do you know what i thought i was i thought i would bring this on um just to see if it sort of inspires any particular sticky carpet memories from my youth oh well go on then yeah all right you do you do your arches i'll do that reminisce about being fingered around the back of a bike shed

I will do my hot chocolate and honeydew. Okay. Okay. Here we go. I'll just, I'll just have a swig of my arches. Okay. Ready? Yeah. One, two, three. Cheers. Oh my goodness, it takes me right back to Wetherspoons. Sorry. Oh, how's the melon? I forgot about you. Oh, you've gone for a chomp, have you? You've gone for a chomp. Okay. Another one I don't recommend, guys, okay? So when you're out and about in the club, don't take your honeydew out with you.

How's your week been? Actually, although I say that, I've seen you a lot this week. This is the most I think I've ever seen you. We were in London together. We went to the big city, the big smoke, didn't we? We did. And then we went to Leeds. slightly less of a big smoke, but a lot more big fuck-off hills. And then, where did we go after Leeds? Oh, we went to Scootland. I don't think anybody in Scotland says Scootland. No, it says Scootland.

Scotland. We did. We went to the capital. So you had to ask me if it was the capital when we got off the train. I thought it was, but I was just double checking because I didn't want to be that person. So yeah, we went to Edinburgh. Enneberg. We did. We did. Lots of tourists. I was surprised at how many tourists there was. And also I was surprised by how many shops there were selling tartan scarves.

Every other shop that you walk past, sell the same fucking stuff. I was like, oh my God, it must be a dog eat dog world out here. So remember when you'd go on holiday when you were little and you'd have to write postcards to your gran? And they would arrive after you got back from your holiday. She's already dead.

But yeah, remember that. And it would be like, hi, Grant, having a lovely time on holiday. See you soon, Lucy. I mean, there's not much you can fit on a postcard, is there? There's not, especially when you've got like shit kid handwriting as well. It's like Twitter. 140 characters, isn't it? Oh, it's the original Twitter. Sorry, threads. Threads. X, isn't it? X now. God, I can't. I don't know whether I was the only person to get the memo.

that this was being changed and so suddenly there's this like little dodgy black box with an x on i thought i downloaded a porn app on my phone i was like what is this and then i started getting emails from x i was like

Like, the panic that I'd somehow, like, that people were going to think that. Like, I was like, some weird kind of orgy shit. And it wasn't. Anyway, it was Twitter. Right, now, speaking of Elon Musk, he has just had another baby. Has he?

yeah and like we know him want to know what he's called it i'm just getting on the sky wait a minute before before you do that can you just remind me what his first child was because was it not some sort of oh was it not some sort of formula that actually i can't pronounce it it is a mix of um like roman numerals maybe russian i don't know um but anyway they call him x for short um and they've got a daughter that they call

Why? Presumably that's not a reference to her place on this earth. Why? Why? Thank God. Why? They have. Just brace yourself for it, babes. So according to Sky News... The 52-year-old billionaire shared the news in his new biography and went on to confirm his new baby's name on X. The little boy is called... Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm scared. Go on. techno mechanicus oh my god that sounds like something from gecko's carriage

Or the new Transformers movie, either way. Oh my goodness. Mechanicus, I think that's that. It also sounds like a Scottish, it's got a bit of a Scottish twist in it. Mechanicus. Mechanicus. He's been in Edinburgh and he's got himself a cotton scarf and he's gone, I'm feeling this. Remind me who his wife is or girlfriend. Grimes.

The Grimes, that's right. That's right. Because I'm not down with the kids. She's apparently, for everybody else who's struggling with this, according to Sky News, she's a Canadian singer called Grimes. Yes. um so uh yes so they have techno mechanicus but you know what right you know it's quite hard to name a baby isn't it and you know they've i bet nobody else in their nct group went with the same name

So, you know, they've got that individual name. And I personally, I found naming my boys harder than naming. I don't know what it is about boys' names. It's just so difficult. Jack doesn't have a middle name because Steve and I couldn't decide on another name that we liked enough. to give him as a middle name. So my dad is called John. Steve's dad is called John. Steve's granddad is called John.

so we kind of yeah there is a theme and you don't really get many baby boys called john nowadays do you do you know do you know what i mean like there are certain names that have just died a death like even steve like you don't get many babies I didn't know this is little baby Steve. Like, they don't get it that much. Neil. Neil. Ian. Ian. Gary. Gary's gone. Actually, Gary's extinct as a name now. No, it's not, is it?

I don't think that there's been a Gary that's been born in the past, like, five years or something. They've just all, it's all techno-mechanicus now, isn't it? There's poor Garys. They've been wiped off the face of the planet by a transformer.

But names, I think that they might come back because if you think about it, names like Agnes and like those like proper... all those like granny names are coming back like i'll be i've got albie as a nephew do we class do we class gary and dave like you don't get many baby dave do you know like dave was a dave was a name of the time wasn't it strong strong strong if you were born

the like 70s 80s yeah solid david it was the year of day yeah yeah not for sure i know it's funny isn't it because um so jez his real name is jeremy and his mom his mom my mother-in-law it's it's very proud of of jeremy she always knew she wanted to jeremy and i'm like i mean i'm sure that was lovely in 1978 but i just can't ever imagine being like do you know what jeremy

Jez is very cool as well, isn't he? So, I mean, not saying that Jeremy's not a cool name. There's Jeremy Clarkson. You know, I'm not saying...

so we have seen quite a lot of each other this week I think probably my favourite night though that we were together was our night out in Edinburgh and we were so rock and roll babes Oh, my God. Oi, oi, oi. Shut, shut, shut. Right, what I love about when we get together is that we always give it proper Larry Lodge pants that we're going to go out and have a proper bender. We're like, it's going well. Mum's on toy. Now, generally what happens, especially when...

When I've done a show, and I do have my two-mark roll, except for I do have my two-mark roll for the show, and that kind of sets me up in good spirits. But then also when I come off stage about an hour later, I get my adrenaline crash and I get a bit of a headache and I want to go home and put my slippers on.

Meanwhile, I've been cracking on with the marks. Doesn't happen, please. I'm on my sixth. So Edinburgh was a five o'clock show, which, by the way, five o'clock shows... other new eight o'clock shows oh my goodness when someone said to me that when I looked at the tour reading and I saw that I was doing five o'clock in Edinburgh and I was like what the fuck is this who goes out at five o'clock

Everybody goes out. The mums, because I tell you what, they were like, we'll do a bit of day drinking. We'll do the show at five. We can maybe have one more. We'll all be in bed by half past eight. And what the dream that is. Ruined.

ruined and in bed and they were all absolutely up for it and mad for it was brilliant they were great crack anyway so we went out afterwards we had some we had a couple cocktails didn't we we were like oh yeah yeah yeah now I had I have a bit of a weird thing so I can't eat um I have like a very short window So like three o'clock is my cutoff for food. And then generally what happens afterwards is then that I don't have time to eat anything.

I'd gone from the show, had a few drinks, we'd got a little bit giddy, and then we'd gone, then we went home.

we were well no we were like do we because we walked we had we saw the site the castle looked lovely didn't it it looked really nice at night we were staying on the royal mile and it was really pretty and i think it was almost like as we were walking we were like right so where where should we go where should we go and it was almost like we were both too scared to say can we just go we have got it in us we have got it in us but um i feel like you should talk about our uh three three night bender

that when we went to the party island, the White Isle of Ibiza, go on. Ibiza, so to set the scene, so I read a book, shameless plug, I read a book, Mother Hens, and it is based in Ibiza. Now, I'd never been to Ibiza, and obviously I needed to go. right babes i needed to do a research to do this tax deductible hmrc um so off we went to the white isle and it was quite soon after lockdown had ended hadn't it and um they were letting people in um but you weren't allowed to party party party

like we were quite expecting to so you weren't actually allowed to stand up and dance you had to sit around tables and just kind of do a weird shoulder dance which to be fair i was kind of there for because we were kind of mums and i hadn't been out in heels in a long time because it'd been lockdown so table dancing

hurrah anyway so off we went we did that luce took me to the west end she's like right if we're going to ibiza we need to go to the west end of ibiza this wasn't me saying let's go for a brilliant night out to some really nice bars on the west end it was Let's go and see like the West End for the sake of your book. And it delivered. Yes.

I mean, not quite what I was expecting. I did not see The Lion King. I did not see Mamma Mia. All I saw were very dubious men trying to sell me sunglasses with penis noses and also... Quite different from the time that I went to go and see We Will Rock You, I have to say. Anyway, so we did the work then. And then I was the only knobhead.

right, that went to the West End in a pair of Valentino heels. Yes, you did. Yeah, what a tit. Babe, I need to go home and take it. I feel like I'm disrespecting the Valentinos.

So much right now because of all the vomit and urine I was having to slide. So anyway, we went home just for me to go and change my shoes. And then the second that we got back into the hotel, we were staying in a very nice hotel as well. And it smelled delicious, didn't it? It smelled amazing. It was such a good restaurant. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were saying the W in centre. Illulia. I still can't say it. Illulia. Illulia.

Anyway, and it smelled amazing. And we lowered the tone massively, I have to say, the minute we walked in. But anyway, in we went. And the second that we got inside that hotel room and I sat down on the bed, it was game over, wasn't it? Absolutely game over. I'd spied my bag of... Hamon Ruffles in the corner. I knew that we were in for a wild porky night together.

in we get in and i'm like oh my feet are quite swollen we both got up quite early early morning flights didn't we the reasons that we were giving ourselves like the justification for us not then leaving the hotel room just was getting more and more ridiculous Anyway, then Luz comes up with a corker and she's like, well, why don't we get into bed?

And watch a film about Ibiza. So that's what we did. We set a pair of us on our first night in Ibiza after giving it this all like, whoa, mum's on till, whoa. we got into bed with a bag of ham on ruffles and we watched a film about three young people in ibiza and we were like wow ibiza looks great look how much fun ibiza is but yeah so the next night what did we do the day i can't remember did we not can't remember did we not just go for tapas and sangria oh we did we just went for tapas

That's right. That's right. And then we just lay around the pool watching beautiful people. Oh, and then we also, I'll tell you what we did on the second day. We considered going to see David Guetterich.

we were like let's let's let's just let's just see he's on a choir let's just see how much it'll be for the two of us it was about to go and see david get it no it wasn't it wasn't the price of the ticket it was the minimum spend that we were have had to have paid in alcohol just to be just to exist in the same airspace

as David Guetta and his COVID, probably, because everybody still had it, didn't they? It was when you had to do the test to get home. It was something like 800 euros each in booze or something. And we were like, what do you think? joe joe the accountant might say if we ask if we could put this through as an We put this through the books. Do we, do we? No, no, we could. Also, we would have died. Babe, I couldn't even get through a 20 pound minimum spend about.

You are such a lightweight. Such a lightweight. You are. We would have never made it out of Ibiza alive. Anyway, so we passed off and we went back and we just listened to David on Spotify. On the balcony. On the balcony. With Tina Camarda was what we did. But then that night, that night, we went to Pikes. Now, I hadn't heard of pikes. I hadn't heard of pikes before we actually went.

to Ibiza, but it is an Ibiza institution. And it is where they filmed Wham's Club Tropicana. Think of them in the swimming pool. Picture the zines. That is place. But back in the day, it was known as this really kind of hedonistic getaway. It was very rock and roll.

it was notorious absolutely notorious for ordering a drink and getting a side of cocaine that was that was that was it that's why people were bikes and you know and it had some really people there were all these different um because it's a hotel as well as a bar isn't it So every time, apparently, so the legend goes that Tony Pike married or had a different girlfriend, he would build them their own room. He was a bit of a player.

And so anyway, so the hotel grew substantially because he was such a player. Anyway, and then you get all these famous rock stars that would go. So George Michael had his own room dedicated there. It was really cool. I think Freddie Mercury as well was really famous. Anyway, really rock and roll until Lucy and I turned up in our flat warm shoes for comfort. Thank you very much.

Do you know what I love, though, is the little, I've just had to look it up, but the sign, as you walk in, the rules. So it's Pike's Codes. This is the rules. So it's no flip-flops. No flip-flops. But we were in flat-flops. That was fine. No beachwear. No glitter. No filming. No under 25s. We were alright. And then we nearly didn't get in because the last one was no cunts. There comes. There comes a landscape.

because it's pikes is in the middle of nowhere i was like i'm not going home i'm not going home at 11 o'clock so what did we do we made friends with some men didn't we that we thought we're gay i was like yes gays they're drinking rosie They look safe. They look safe. So we're going to go and befriend them. They weren't gay. They probably thought all their Christmases were cool at once. I mean, look at me.

Big in my bed cell phone. They probably thought all the Christmases were coming once, please, because we're just such a hot stuff on our flat forms and Marks and Spencer's linen trousers. Oh, my God. Also, my favourite bit about the fact that we were in this really funky, trendy after party was that we walked in and I would say 70% of the people in the room were 60. Lovely conversation with a man who was in a jazz band. He was wearing a bandwagon. Oh my God.

He was very sweet and his wife was as well. They were lovely. Yeah, they were very sweet. I think at one point you were sat down having a conversation with her about interior decor. I just think that actually we were possibly the least, the least Ibethan. Ibiza party I think going and then we came home and they were proper

They were going for it, weren't they? They were... They were madder than us, Liz, and that was quite pathetic. They'd flown in that night, hadn't bothered booking a hotel room for that night because they knew they'd be up partying all night, so they were just... Back in at two the next day and just do an all night. I was like, oh my God, we're going home to watch another film about Ibiza and eat some apples.

and then the next day we thought would be a great time after two hours sleep to try and go to a pool party didn't we But, right, Lucy's like, she'd booked it all in for us and we turned off. It was at Nicky Beach, wasn't it, that we went to. But we were in the pool and some lads started chatting to us and I was like, oh.

here we go here we go here comes the chatting up of us two crazy chicks on our own three seconds they very quickly ascertained we were old and both had children and i've never seen somebody turn their back on me as fast. You know how everyone has their summers of fun when they're younger? Marbella was where me and my mates used to always go. And do you know what we used to drink? And I am surprised I am alive. So it was called Absolute Shambles. Do you remember it?

do you remember it no did you never have it so it was vodka red bull topped up with carver or prosecco it was carver back then it was before prosecco topped up with carver so we used to literally that's all we drank and it must i remember one year it must have got to day five and me and my friend avril were lying sunbathing and we were like crying palpitations like full on anxiety attacks we're like what is wrong

with us and it's because we realized we'd just been drinking pints of absolute shambles for five days straight can you imagine i've never been able to drink red bull since i went i was in i had the fear so bad and that caffeine come down Some of the things that I drank on my holidays after A levels, I went to Valaraki. Oh, yes, I did. Of course you did. Of course I did. Of course I did. And one of my friends, I won't name her, but she drank a gigantic fishbowl. Do you remember the...

It was a blue lagoon. And I remember vividly it was a blue lagoon because it came back up again about 10 minutes later. Bright blue. So not only then had she vomited blue lagoon everywhere, she then slipped in it and fell over. Oh my god. Landed in the Blue Lagoon.

she was wearing some white wasn't she yep yep white of course she was because it was it was back in the day she had like a white little uh linen knee-length skirt on and a little handkerchief matching top and she was lying in her blue lagoon vomit and the reason that i can recall this so vividly but I was such a good friend I took a picture of it

I took a picture of it while she was lying in her own blue sick. And I think I stuck it in an album. I think I even put it in an album when you had those albums back in the day. Anyway. Walking home like Mama Smith. Yeah. Oh, it was rank. Oh my God. It was so rank. We stayed in a two... star apartment complex that we booked for about 50 quid on teletext holidays um and yeah we have the time i remember going to ayah nappa for a week and it was flights and hotel for a week

How much? 60 quid. 260 quid. that was transfers and everything i remember walking in with my friend and we went to pull the curtain back and the whole curtain pull just fell down it was horrendous it was so bad there was no air conditioning either like Oh, God, yeah.

And as a parent now, if my children were to say that they were going to stay there, I'd just pay for them to go and stay at the five-star hotel. I couldn't cope. There was no air conditioning. We had to dodge the cockroaches on the way to get in. Every night after we'd come in from our night out,

we'd have to hold our breath and run through our room because our room smelled like sewer and it'd been so hot because there was no air condition we used to have to leg it through to get to the balcony to open it all up and then we'd all sit on the balcony for about half an hour wait for it to air out before we could go to bed Oh, my God. Had the time of our lives, though. Absolute time of our lives. One of the best holidays ever.

I remember when we went to INAFA going to a phone party and I was really excited about this phone party, right? So I was like, yes, going to a phone party and walked in and it was the shittest excuse for a phone party. It was basically like this little spray.

and it was just like tiny little it was basically a bubble machine it was basically a bubble machine where's the big where's the big waves of foam guys and oh see i went to a party in malia with my friend amy um and i lasted in the phone party for five minutes until it happened You lost your shoe. Well, yes. I'd gone in flip-flops. A mistake. Oh, wow. I know. I slipped off my flip-flop and I broke my wrist. I broke my wrist.

I'm so tragic honestly five minutes awesome flip-flops fell over broke my wrist and to this day my mum thinks that I fell off a foreign curb you know Really? Yeah, aren't they? It's like walls. It's like a foreign curb, not the fact that it was really... Sorry, Linda. Sorry, Linda. And funnily enough... So that was at uni and I had a cast on. And when we went back in September, that's when I met Steve.

yeah so that was it and that was it and because he was a physiotherapy student that was his little in because I had a cat oh yeah and he was thinking I need to get that wrist working again he was and he was like he came up to me and he was like scaphoid and I was like no Sophie hi Oh, stop. He was like, no, have you broken your skateboarding? And I was like, oh. Oh my God, Steve, what a chop line.

here we go here we go brace yourselves everybody because it is time for Urban Dictionary Corner Lucy what delight do you have for me this week Well, I have got some absolute brilliant ones for you to speak, Sophie. This one, I felt like this one was very relevant because you're on tour and at the minute... You spend a lot of time talking into a microphone, don't you? So, Sophie McCartney, what is a French microphone? Ooh.

okay a french microphone if you get this i will eat my hat okay i mean going out on a dirty limb here It's going to be something gross, isn't it? Is it when you get a French baguette and shove it up someone's nonny? It's going to be something shoved somewhere with you.

My immediate response is it is something shoved up something. And that is all Urban Dictionary is. If somebody has got a lovely big gigantic crusty loaf... and and they've gone fuck the pate we're going in no orifices are poked in the in in the making of a french microphone i think this is maybe an urban dictionary first okay a french

Shall I give you the context and see if you can get it? Okay, so Bobby received a French microphone after falling asleep at the party. Oh, does this feel like it might be a consent issue? And I very much hope in which case it's not a French baguette that's been shelved up in our office, if this is the case. A French microphone after falling asleep at a party.

No. I'm going to have to hurry you here. You're going to have to tell me because I've got nothing. Definition is when someone's sleeping with their mouth open. Oh no. You said it wasn't an orifice. But I said something that an orifice is not being poked. Okay. Right. So when someone's sleeping with their mouth open and you fart in their mouth, causing an echo. I mean, I didn't think that we could top a hot Richard. But we have. But we have. What can I just say? Just imagine.

waking up oh my god what's dave doing why is dave cramping down what what's dave doing what are you doing can you just imagine oh gross I can imagine because sometimes the dog farts and it's so bad paste it and it's gritty and so and so i imagine actually millie probably french microphones me all the live long do you know what i love millie but she is the reason i don't have a dog

Right. What do you think a Furby is? Now, the difference between the Furby the toy and the Urban Dictionary Furby, it has two R's. Furby. Is it? Just a really fun, hairy muff. That maybe somebody's put googly eyes on. A jazzle. maybe like a vajazzle but a furby oh i like that you know vajazzle but with little fun eyes maybe some little pipe cleaner hands like it's a very fun time

Very furry. It can be patted. It's a proper 70s porno bush. Is that a Furby? No, but it's a good answer. I say bring back the 70s porno moth, to be honest. What do you mean bring it back? Mine's not been touched for a long time. I just thought it always looked like mine for two kids' babes. We're very retro. We're very retro.

um right a furby okay so the furry community sorry do you know what the furry community is a furry community do you know what the furry community is it's just mums we're just the furry community So the fairy community are adults who like to dress up as animals and enjoy themselves. So... On Urban Dictionary, a Furby is a person who likes to have sex with someone who's dressed in a mascot-type costume. No, sorry. No. Right. First off...

How do you get in? How do you get in? Are some of these costumes... Like, I don't... Well, some of them have probably got room for two in. Yeah, but where's the hole? They're going to have to, it's a whole ordeal to try and get in. They'd have to take the top, unless they've cut out a little flap. Also, I'm trying to think of some of the mascots that I've seen and just how traumatising. I'm mainly thinking of the people in Disney.

Oh, dear God, something's just crossed my mind. Oh, no. Oh, no, what? My goddaughter's birthday party, they hired a Peppa Pig costume, and then, like, the dad got in it. And now I'm just thinking, so fucking weirdo, pork's pepper pig in the mascot costume. Oh, my God. I didn't know that. Don't go hire in costumes. Don't go hire costumes. And actually, don't hire people who dress up in the costumes either. Because what else do they do? They've got a separate sideline. They're getting that.

money's worth out of that cost cost that mascot and the money shot out of it as well oh that's disgusting oh no so now it is time

for another absolute classic session of parenting tales. Okay. I'm going to call this one an unexpected package. Hi, Sophie. So I saw you were looking for funny parenting stories and thought you might like this one. If you use it, please do so anonymously. Brackets. You will see why. I'm loving this little movie. Okay. So when my eldest was three, his dad had ordered a Paw Patrol Everest teddy to complete his collection. I presume the three-year-old, not the dad's collection. He's a third.

fairy community the parcel arrived addressed to dad whilst dad was at work so me and eldest opened it however i failed to remember that dad had also got in order and love honey. So me and my three-year-old. sat down to excitedly open a gold butthug. Oh, you couldn't have even got away with the rabbit. You couldn't have even got away with the thing. You just opened a giant gold plate door knob.

Oh, well, you know, there was going to definitely be a problem in Adventure Bay that day, wasn't there? Send in rubble on the double. double penetration that would be do you know what if you gave me a butt plug call me naive I don't think I would know what it was I mean I'm not a voice of experience here

I believe that butt plugs come in various different shapes and sizes, don't they? So, you know, you could have probably passed that off as something, maybe some kind of... Oh, I know what it could be. You know, like, for some reason, I think butt plugs look like the things that you put on top of a bottle of wine to keep it fresh, you know, like a bottle stopper. But you must have the tiniest bum hole in all the land.

Oh, aren't they quite big? I don't know. Well, you know, not quite much, is it? If you're going to put in a tiny little thing that sits on the top of the circumference of a... How big is your eyeball hole? I mean, to be fair, I've never checked. Check how big your bomb hole is. A mirror? Well, get yourself on love, honey, and you order a small, medium, large. Now, this sounds like the voice of experience, I'm just saying. I don't know. Now you've got me questioning the size of my bomb. I know.

Okay.

So that's it for another episode of the Dad and Tess podcast with me, Sophie McCartney. And of course, Lucy with the Fringe. Thanks, Lucy with the Fringe. Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure. Great bounce. And of course, if you do have a parenting tale or fail that you would like to send in to us, we are all...

all ears because we like to hear how shit you've been as a parent this week, last week, or maybe even 10 years ago. Maybe you were a grandparent and you have a fail from yonder ago. Send it in to us. Loose, what's the address? It is tiredandtestedatacast.com. That is the one. Now, we are going to be filming our podcast from the road.

When we film, we film and record. But on the road, we're actually going to be together in a studio when I'm out on my London dates next week. So that's exciting. We're going to be proper pro, babe. Proper pro. But also, it's going to be like tech people listening to us.

We do this just there. We don't have to look anybody in the whites of their eyes when we're doing all of our Dirty Urban Dictionary chat. So that's going to be fun. That's going to be fun. So listen out for next week's. It, I'm sure, is going to be an absolute...

ride what an adventure that's going to be um I am still of course out on tour um and I'll pop a little link in if anyone just wants to come down maybe just come and see me and just just have a little listen to this in in real life then you're more than welcome and if not well we'll see you all next week

Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.