2. Lady Holes and Beefy Strolls

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this drive is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.

So welcome everybody to episode two of the Tired and Tested podcast with me Sophie McCartney and the beautiful Lizzie with the Fringe. Hi Lizzie with the Fringe! Hello! So this is a special one this week and because this is back to school. It's happened. It has finally bloody happened. Now, at least you're not quite there yet, are you? Because your two are still in nursery. You're like one of those really annoying people who still put their kids in over the summer holidays because they can.

Yeah, what school holidays? But I have been seeing some of the nursery kids going off to school and I'm already dreading this time next year. See, it only dawned on me before that Jack is, because he's starting year six, this will be the first, well, the last time that I walk him to school on his first day of school. I was just standing in the kitchen before and I just went I just had a little had a little emotional breakdown and I can't so

I can't even look at parents. So our last year's year sixes when they left and I couldn't do the school pick up and drop off on that day because I couldn't cope with seeing the hysterical parents crying at the gate because it sets me off every year I see it. And it's not even my kid. Don't either. like their kids but thank god thank god they're going don't like your kid but i'm like i know

It's very traumatic. So yes, so solidarity for anybody who has got a child starting tomorrow, or it is going to be their child's last first ever day in primary school. I have to say, I am sad about it, but I'll be over it by about 10 past nine. I'll be like, I'll find it. I'll come back to school. If I have to listen one more time to... What are we doing now? That's what he does. Like the whole of the school holidays is comprised of either, can I have a snack? Or I'm bored.

What are we doing now? So I could have just taken them for a day out. We could have just been and done the most exciting thing, nonstop action all day, got home and he'd gone, what are we doing now? We're sitting. The fuck still. Okay. And we're being just appreciative. Okay. That's what we're going to be. Not talking to each other. We're not talking to mummy. Before we go any further.

I've been sat waiting for you because I've made a mug and I've not said cheers yet. Oh, that's going to make me jealous. I don't have one. Thanks. Well, it wouldn't have happened if it was only because you were running a little bit behind shed. Well, of course, late to my own funeral. Yeah, absolutely.

What have you got? I'm perusing the table behind me. I've got, randomly, there's a bottle of red wine. I don't like red wine. Don't drink red wine. I know, I don't know why it's there. A bottle of red wine. I mean, the tequila from last week is here. Do a shot. Come on. But I don't have... There's some lime juice. Just going to have to go straight from the bottle. Just straight with the tequila.

Do it because I've got a really, really lovely salty rim as well. You do love a salty rim, don't you? For Lucy, the saltier, the better. I only like a half rim personally.

I like the option to be able to dib in and out. Right. Okay. You're a bad influence on me because I wasn't going to have a drink in this podcast because my body is a temple. A temple made of Toblerone. and crisps yeah yeah hang on one sec okay fine fine my arm is twisted so far behind my back yeah yeah I'm practically a pretzel right now okay Hang on. Here we go then. I'll just, just the effect for the microphone. Hang on. Yeah.

Can't hear it. I'll just have to do a sound effect. Can you hear it? I can hear it, yeah. There we go. That sounds good. This could be like those weird, was it the ASMR? Is that what it is? Or is that like a 90s boy band ASMR? Yeah, just going to, just hang on. That's my fingers against the glass, guys. Oh, yeah. Stop it. Or this one. What is that ASMR wank effect?

To clarify, because this is a podcast and it's in your ears, not your eyes. I haven't just given somebody a wank. That was my cheek. However, quite effective though. Figorous. very painful so well to be fair so painful i've just hurt my cheek a little bit poor steve later don't know my strength do i somebody's had their wanking weetabix today Stop it. Right. Right.

I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this. I've upgraded, actually, from last week's bottle of squeezy lemon juice. I've gone from Morrison's lime juice today. Nice, nice, good. I'm also going to have to swig it. Spray it from the bottle. This one's not for Pancake Day, though. This one is for Margs.

Because I can't be arsed. You go through so many limes doing a mug, don't you? Well, this one that I've made while I was waiting for you, otherwise it wouldn't have happened. If you were on time, it wouldn't have happened. Oh, you need to stop going on about that. I've got three. I did three fresh limes in this. Well, that's three of you five a day, right? Yeah, exactly.

right okay um let's stop faffing about okay all right cheers one cheers two oh you can well you can't nicky mark okay all right okay i'm just gonna net mine okay Oh, I tried to breathe at the same time and I don't know why I did that. Wait. Oh, the lime juice. Oh, the lime juice is worse than the lemon. The lime juice is worse than the lemon. No, no. So tune in next week to see what Sophie chooses as her revolting tequila chaser.

that's what we're gonna do each week you're gonna do a different chaser let's go for a craig david next week we'll get the oh that's oh do you know what do you know what i think has made that even worse i think the last time that i used it i was making um like a piece of soy salmon and i used like fish sauce and i think i've I think I've contaminated the squeezy lime juice with the fish sauce. And that was just, that was a lot going on in my mouth.

that was a lot oh my goodness okay we should get right I'm just what you should try next week what should I try next week oh my god right I have to have a sip of Diet Coke and if I belch if I belch so be it I'm so sorry And we just got back from our holidays as well.

Did a cheeky little week in Turkey before the kids went back to school, which was very nice. I haven't been to Turkey since I was a child, small child. I only went once. And I don't know why normally we kind of discount Turkey. But this year we decided this was going to be the year. that we were going to go to Turkey. So off we went on a Jet 2 flight to Antalya. I don't know why I say that with a generic Italian accent. Sorry, Turkey. Do you know what, right?

I love Jet 2. When I fly Jet 2, I feel like I'm flying business class on Virgin Atlantic. That's how I rate Jet 2. No, you're pulling a frown in your face. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, what? If you think of all this shitty budget airlines, right? Ryanair is horrific. Sorry. That's the bottom, isn't it? It's at the absolute bottom tier. EasyJet is, I would say, a little bit above Ryanair. And then you've got Jet2 sitting at the top. Like Jet2 is always my preference. If I can fly with Jet2.

I will fly with Jet 2. So anyway, managed to book this holiday with Jet 2. This is not a hashtag ad, by the way, because no fucker ever pays me to go on holiday. And it really upsets me. Really upsets me. I'm there scrolling on Instagram. All these people swanning off to all these amazing places like hashtag ad with all their family just lounging around pools. I once got offered a caravan park in Skeggy or something. Do you remember? Yeah.

And we're like, what are the facilities like? And they sent a picture of a bench. A bench with bird shit on it. There you go, it's a nice bench where you can scrape the bird shit off before you have your breakfast. in the pouring rain oh my goodness sign me yeah absolutely I mean I know some people so this I mean I don't want to I don't want to be disrespectful for people who enjoy um caravanning holidays but I think that we all know me well enough now to know that I do not

It's not my cup of tea. I mean, if anybody was there for the RV saga of America, it's not my idea of a good time. So I'm sure that campsite was great. I'm sure if you were like camping, it was rustic and you would have had a lovely time.

I mean, the last time I went camping, so not RVing or caravanning, last time I went camping and I did it because Steve accused me of not being a fun mom. He was like, come on, Soph, you got to do it for the kids. I was like, fuck off. I ruined my body for the kids. I'm not camping for them as well. But anyway.

off we went to Anglesey and it was at the end of August and it should have been warm and it was fucking freezing because it's Wales and I didn't learn that lesson um and I woke up in the night and something about the minute that you put me in canvas I don't even know. Are tents even canvas anymore? It just feels like a lot of Tesco bags stitched together. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. And so the minute I step inside of one, I begin to biodegrade as well. Like my whole face sags, everything. I instantly lose, I would say 90% of my attractiveness the minute that I step over the threshold. And there was something about... getting inside a tent that wreaks havoc with my bladder as well. And I think it's like knowing that you can't just get up in the night and just go for a wee with any kind of great ease. And so Evelyn was still in nappies at the time.

Oh, Jesus. You went with children? You went with the baby? I know. She was only little. She was only little. And Steve and I kept a child each because I was so scared that if we slept with...

um like if we sat together and left the kids on their own want to just get up in the night and that would be it we'd be on we'd be on the news when he gets fuck this shit this is awful I'm going home and so I'd woken up about five times in the night needing a wee and it was raining outside I couldn't leave one of the children

in case like yeah they just wandered off into the river d is that a river in wales it feels like it should be anyway i i opted um for what i felt to be the only um course of action uh which was to um we and evelyn's nappies now i can for the record state that a Pampers can take a full adult bladder, just in case anybody else ever finds themselves in a situation. The thing is, once I'd started, I couldn't stop. And Steve woke up in the morning and he said to me, wow.

how many times did you change Evelyn's nappy last night? It's like six absolutely bursting at the seams. Pampers are all just lined up in the middle bit of the tent. I was like, yeah, we need to stop giving up milk before bed.

That's so interesting that you just said that because I was in London last week and traveling with the kids on my own. again idiot but um got to london my friend met me she was like let's get a taxi home get to the front of the long taxi queue at king's cross just as we're about to get into our taxi kit I mean I need a wee wee I was like are you kidding so anyway I'm like it's fine it's not far to gems it's only about

45 minutes but we get in and then he's like mommy I know the wee wee so I was like I've got a brilliant idea let's put one of Bowie's nappies on you so I put Bowie's nappy on him this taxi driver oblivious to what's going on in the back so I put and then I went right go Literally, it was just like Niagara Falls. It was just like, and I was like, my plan is not working. I thought it was a really good plan. I was like, I am. Were you just holding the nappy over his willy?

at all and it was like a boy's tiny and kit is like four yeah but you you're just saying that evelyn's kept joseph but anyway so yeah it didn't work and he just went to me sorry mommy it was a really big wee Can I just clarify that I didn't put Evelyn's nappy on myself. What did you do then? I just had to imagine. If I could get like an 18-month-old baby's nappy over my thigh, I mean, I think I'd be in a good place, wouldn't I? But no, no, I had to just really be in dignity of it.

Yeah, I had to like stand there like naked from the waist down in case of spillage. Like I didn't want to like pee on myself. I had to strip off and then just kind of, yeah, just like push it against my lady holes. Which I've never called them ever. Put it against you. Lady holes. Lady holes.

And then I just, in the words of Elsa, I just let it go. I just let it go. It was very liberating, to be honest. So got on the plane. We had an hour's delay at Manchester Airport. So also, just to kick things off, in Manchester Airport, queuing up at Barbarito. They've now got a Barbarito.

barrito at Terminal 2 in Manchester Airport. I was very excited by this. Anyway, so I've convinced Jack not to go and get a burrito. We're going to go and have a barrito. So we're lining up to get the barrito. All hell breaks out behind us, right?

turn around there's a woman who's um being escorted by two armed police officers through the terminal she's handcuffed her head's down they've like got her down there's two community officers beside as well she's not impressed by this uh and she is putting up an absolute fight to the death but she's like get off me you fucking dickhead like through the terminal jack's like i was like don't look darling don't look darling but i'm like staring there with my mouth

touching the floor like oh my god so we'd had that drama before then we had to have a whole conversation he thought that she was going to be arrested and held in the airport for the end of her life I was like no darling they take her outside the airport and then they'll put her in another thing anyway so there's a whole explanation as to what she might have done

Settled on that maybe she'd had too many mummy drinks. I was like, you know, that's exactly how mummy gets when she has too many drinks as well. Daddy's trying to put her to bed and she's like, fuck off your ticket. So anyway.

So we'd had that. So we had about an hour's delay. So, okay, we can cope with that. Get on the plane. So sit there for a little bit. And then they come on and they say, oh, we just need to get something sorted by the engineers. So we're going to be held here a little bit longer. I don't like flying. If God had wanted us to fly, he would have given us wings. And I don't think that refers.

versus sanitary towels. So I was sitting there having absolute kittens about the fact that this engineer is coming on. I was like, Steve, what's he coming to fix? What's he going to do? I was like, do I get off? Just don't like it at all. Anyway, engineer then goes. All is well. Apart from, I can see one of the air hostesses. Are we allowed to call them air hostesses anymore, by the way? What do we call them now? Cabin crew. Just go cabin crew. Cabin crew. So she's walking.

through the cabin and I'd seen her once walk past and she had a bottle of Diet Coke and she had an unimpressed face and she went and she poured it into the

toilet we were sat by the toilet she pulled it down the sink then she went back she had a word with some passengers then about 10 minutes later she walks back again with an empty thing of lemon fountain well half empty thing lemon fountain does the same so we're all like oh what's going on down the front of the plane anyway so the ripples of rumors come via the

the seats back like chinese whispers from the front of the plane to where we were near the back and apparently two passengers were drinking their own booze decanting it into other bottles and and then necking it anyway aren't police come on to remove said passengers from the plane because they'd had their warnings. And, you know, fair's fair if you've been warned a couple of times and you're still doing it. But you know what the best bit was? They were old. They were older people.

They were respectable looking elderly folk. I don't know if I'm allowed to say elderly folk anymore. Am I allowed to say elderly folk? Give me a box. Give me a box. I would say 60. No, 60. Oh my goodness. And they were escorted, I know, escorted off the plane. So everyone was like, way, off you go, way, balance, way. Yeah, clapping them off.

Until we all realized that we then had to get their bags off as well. It took them two hours to find their bags. So we were stuck in the bloody plane for four and a half hours just at the terminal.

before we actually then got to the sky. So we were four and a half hours on the bloody tarmac and another four and a bit hours on the plane. But you know what? Then the pilot came on and he was like, oh, you know, really, really sorry about it. We've been authorized to give you free snacks, free snacks and...

to fly faster. I was like, sorry, what now? He's like, we've been authorized to fly faster. So guys, we're going to be doing 560 miles per hour. I was like, no, thank you. No, thank you. Sat in this. In this metal tin in the sky. And I'll tell you what, babe, you could feel that you were going 500 and I didn't like it. I didn't like it. You know, like normally you don't feel like you're moving on a plane. I was like, I was like. That was my face flapping.

Do you know what really annoys me on a plane? People who let their kids watch either their iPhones or their iPads. without any headphones. There was this couple sat next to us on the opposite side and their child was, it was so loud. It was really Power Rangers as well. And the whole plane would have been able to hear it. It was that loud. She was that with headphones in.

Steve was like, I'm going to say something. Steve was like, I'm going to say something. I was like, don't be that person, Steve. Don't be that person that says something. Also, I have to say, Steve was telling me this from the seat in front of me, because obviously he wasn't sat with me. Steve had a lovely... four and a half hour flight back from Turkey, having a little snooze on his own.

Well, I sat with all of the kids. I could see his head. You know, when you see their heads dipping because he kept falling asleep and then he kept catching himself. And I was like, fuck you, Steve. Fuck you. People who just fall asleep in planes in general. Like, because I obviously, because I'm scared of flying.

I can't, I can never, my dream is to be asleep before the plane takes off. That would be my absolute dream. That never happens to me. Steve walks onto an aircraft and it's as though there's been some kind of carbon monoxide poisoning and he's out like that. He's just...

gone and it is completely beyond me how that happens you know what you need to do Have more marks before you get on the airplane, babes. I should do. Well, the problem is that if Steve's unconscious, I don't think I can be shit-faced. I'd be taken off the plane, wouldn't I? Aren't police to come on for me? Off you go. And somebody would be like, and guess what? Guess what? She was quite old.

I think the thing about going on holiday with small people it's the same shit in a hotter country so and there's also I feel like there are a lot more health hazards. Can you remember the first holiday that I ever went on with Jez when Kit was one? And can you remember what happened? Yes, I can. It was our first holiday and I had been around the little baby pool all morning just paddling because he's 18 months old.

I see Jez take him straight over to the adult deep pool. And I'm like, okay, what's he doing? And then a next thing I just watch is Jez. turn to say something to Kate jump in to the swimming pool and then within about three seconds I just watch Kate

jump straight in after him. I then see Jez come up out of the pool. Everybody around the swimming pool gasps like, and I'm like, my babies. Jez comes up and I'm like, and then like looks around and then goes back down again and everyone's just like in suspense like what's happening and then he comes up like something from Free Willy just like Lion King just pulling up this baby and I have never been so I was like what

you thinking and do you know what he said he said well I said to him wait there when I jumped in I was like he's 18 months old he does not know what wait just wait there Steve did something similar this time. I mean, not quite. I mean, it wasn't his own fault. I mean, sorry, Jess, that was his own fault. But we were on the beach.

And Nate had been loving the beach. He loved just crawling, eating the sand. He just looked like a scotch egg. He was just absolutely covered from head to toe. And he'd been crawling towards the wave. So I'd gone with him, sat in kind of the shallow bit and were, what's that called? The surf? The surf? I don't know. Yeah. The shallow end of the sea. What is the end of the sea? The shore. The shallow end. The shore. The shore. God. God help us all.

And anyway, so he was having a lovely time and I'd gone to get, I said, Steve, we'll call Steve over. And I was like, let me go get my phone. I'm going to take some videos of him. So as I was going over to the sun lounger to retrieve my phone, Evelyn's then wandered over. She wants to go into the waves and it was quite wavy. Actually, you know, if you paddle in. Anyway, so he's taken Nate on one hip.

He's got Evelyn in one hand. They've gone into the sea. As I can see this happening, and to begin with, I thought, ah, cute. And as I get a little bit closer, I can see the waves getting a little bit bigger. I get to the shallow end of the sea, just as. A gigantic wave comes and just absolutely floors Steve, who's holding Nate. He's then, I mean, to be fair to him, he's had to make the impossible choice of who to save, and his reflex has been to save Nate.

So he's held Nate absolutely just let the sea take Evelyn, claimed her as her own. So she's just been smacked into the ground by the wave. Come up, God love her. Come up like some monster of the deep, all her hair and her face screaming. So as I'm screaming, he surfaced facing me. So his back is then to the sea. So as he's then surfaced. And he's like gathering himself with his back to the sea. Another bloody wave. And I've got a wave. As I've done that, he's turned round to see the wave.

This wave comes again. Straight into Nate's face and knocks them over again. I was like, oh my God. Oh, oh, oh God. So I dragged them out of the sea. Nate, who had been having a lovely time in the sea, is now hysterical. Evelyn is crawling her way up the beach like she's been in a shipwreck. Absolutely hysterical. I must have told you the story of the first holiday I ever had with Jez.

i swear i'm not even kidding gained half stone that week and it was because i was just i had a three course three course lunch and a three course dinner every day and shitload of cocktails it was amazing anyway Went over to the beach. We were like, we should really leave the resort until last day. So we went to the beach. It was a pebble beach, like nemesis. I hate pebble beaches. But I went in and I was like, I was like, ah, ah.

and you know you swim and then you've got to stand up to finally walk the last the james bond walk you know out of the sea well anyways i'm walking out i was like trying to stand up and i was like can't stand up so I just stopped trying to stand up and I just let the waves wash me

be washed in and I just put my hands straight like this and I just went head first and I was washed up and then I would get pulled back and then I would wash up just on the beach watching first for a month of holiday and there she is, the betrayer that I literally get.

watched up after gaining half a stone like tits hanging out my everything all out my all out my bikini and then the worst bit was i finally got short right i got up onto the floor I still couldn't stand up because I hurt my feet so much. And then there was this elderly couple walking down the beach and they stepped over me. So one of my favorite things about being on holiday with my children is the after pool activities. You know, you've got to all get the shower. Oh, gosh.

I hate it. You've got to get all the kids in the shower with you. Get them ready to go out. And you need to turn around three kids in an hour to get them out. That used to be the best bit of a holiday when you'd have a shower, sit on the balcony and drink your Fanta Limon. Eat your ruffles. The ruffles. Come on, ruffles. Come on, Ruffle. Oh, my God. It is the superior holiday, Chris. Oh, you know, some people like a Lay's. No, thank you.

It's all about a ruffle for me personally. It's all about the edges. Oh, now I just want a bag of ruffles. But anyway, so we were in the shower and I was in with Evelyn. I'm there washing her hair. And obviously I'm naked because I'm in the shower. And she... She could see it eyeing up my boobs. And she put her hands on both of them. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah, just a full-on group. And then lifted them up and down and went... Jiggle, jiggle. Jiggle, jiggle.

I was like, sweetheart, no, don't do that down there. Don't do that to mommy's boobies. I was like, they're mommy's boobies, okay? Like, you know, you've got to respect. You've got to respect everybody's body parts. Respect everybody's body parts. Anyway, so, yeah, hands on the boobs. Jiggle, jiggle. And then she looked at me again with a scrutinising eye and she went, Mummy, what do you think the world record is for the longest boobs?

which just automatically made me think she thought i was a shoo-in for the award i was like um evelyn i was like do you mean mommy's boobies and she's like oh no No, no, no. No, I was just wondering what you thought maybe the longest ones might be. I was like, well, not mine. Fuck off. So the holiday was lovely. And then we went to the airport. So flew back Sunday night, kept the airport, got bloody delay. Of course we do. It's just like the trend of the holiday.

And anyway, finally get to go on the plane. And I was pulled for a random pre-boarding swab. Not like the kind that we were talking about last week. Not up your arse. Not up the arse. No, that would have been a little bit much. They didn't even put a curtain around me. So I think I was for explosives and then all the bags checked and everything again. Pull up at the plane. Nate's asleep in his buggy.

had to unclip him because it was a late night flight so this point it's like one o'clock in the morning so we unclip him get him out and he's then all like flustered and like oh because he's been asleep we start to walk upstairs to get in the plane, get to the top of the plane to go and get our seats. And suddenly all these ground crew come running at us. There's a lot of people. There's a whole busload of people. And they're like, get off the plane.

like it was it was like such a drama get off the plane get off the plane you're like quick quick get off of the plane get off the plane like making this one i know and i was like oh my god what what what what the nervous fires are what's happening they frisked me it wasn't me Anyway, the bloody bus driver had taken us to the wrong plane. It was the wrong way.

Did you see the first jet too? It was like Home Alone lost in Leeds Bradford Airport. That's what it would have been. I don't know where we would have gone. So yeah, so we got on. And then anyway, we eventually got on the right bloody plane. But honestly, it was like the driver had just seen the first Jet 2 plane and went, that'll do. Off you go. See you later. Thanks for visiting. Bye. But hilarious. So because we were...

Because we were in Turkey and Turkey is renowned for, it's quite popular, isn't it? For a bit of cosmetic tweakments, should we say. Getting on the plane. The kids were like, Mommy, what's wrong with the people on this plane? It's everywhere you looked on the plane.

it was the people that had their noses done like they had black eyes and like this is a broken nose straight out of surgery there were guys who'd had their hair plugs done so they're just they you know they'd had their heads they look like hell rays it was just all going on the kids were absolutely traumatized sitting around looking at everybody being like I'm gonna be so good on this plane because what the fuck happened to them

Now it is time for, I think, possibly my favorite segment of the podcast. It's time for Urban Dictionary Corner. What have you got for me this week, Luce? Oh, you're going to like this one. Right. What is a beef walk? A what? A beef what? A beef.

Oh, we're going to do this again. Oh, is that your Geordie? I thought you said a beef wok. And I thought it sounded like some kind of delicious kind of beef main on the Chinese takeaway menu. I was like, oh, a beef wok. Wagamamas. Yeah, lovely. Wagamamas. No, a beef walk. Walk? Do you think that TikTok is actually called like TikTok? Right, a beef walk. Could be one of two things.

I'm going controversially for something that's not dirty first. A beef walk is when you are in a mood with someone and you walk up to them when you're in a beef, like a proper like... Have it! Like a beef walk. I'm going to fucking fuck you up with my beef walk. Okay. Oh, yeah. Alternatively, keeping in the spirit of things, is it when you've got a really swollen fanny and you can't walk properly?

Do you know what I mean? Like John Wayne. Yeah, like everything's just kind of puffed up like down there and you are walking a bit funny. It's a bit sore.

No, it's not. Oh, it's disappointing. Do you want me to tell you what it is? Put me out of my misery. What's a beef walk? I think you're going to like this. A beef walk. A beef walk. And it's... going outside or away from the group in order to fart with less consequence so can I do my example oh I thought you were going to say can I do one I was going to say no

You cannot be walk on the podcast. I'm going to do the example. I'm going to do the example. So Lucy says, where did you just go? Sophie says, I had to go on a beef walk. Nando's lunch gave me the peri-peri farts. Oh my god, but... do you know what i i beef i beef walk all the time and you know what right i i beef blame

aeroplanes make me incredibly gassy. And I don't know whether it's the change in air pressure that it pushes all the air out of me. But the minute I step foot on a plane, right? Oh my God, it's like my insides are desperate to escape because they don't like flying either.

And so I always make a point of really loudly saying, I have to do it because I can't just, I can't, there's nowhere to beef walk on the plane, right? You have to just go to the toilet, but then somebody comes in after you. There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go. And I turn around to whichever kid I'm sat next to, and then I go quiet.

loudly so people can hear i go was that you yeah i'm a big fan of the beef walk um do you find as well i don't know whether this is after children right that sometimes If you have to expel a bit of air from the rear and if you're sat down, do you sometimes feel like it travels a little bit? Do you feel like it... It travels north. Just sometimes like an hour after the event. Yeah, exactly. That noise comes out.

we've done your favourite bit of the podcast it's time for my favourite bit of the podcast which is Parenting Tales where we ask you guys to send us in any sort of potential fail or tale of your parenting experience that might make the rest of us feel 10% better about our own parenting abilities. But so this week, Sophie.

You're in the seat. Come on, what we got? I'm in the driving seat this week. I know. You normally do them, but I thought I'd do one this week. Okay, this one I'm going to call She Shoots, She Scores. So this is a story from Jen. So Jen says, when my sister was getting engaged, my now brother-in-law asked us for all to be in the Hilton Hotel waiting for them to celebrate after the proposal. That's very Kardashian, isn't it?

Like when Courtney. It's very fancy. It's very fancy. Very fancy. Yeah. Okay. So my mom, being a typical Scouse mom, I'm not paying for them prices in there. This is why I read this one, just so I could do that. She decided. To take a bottle of fruit shoot with straight vodka in it. Her plan was to buy a soft drink to pour in. I mean, this is like, I mean...

I don't know whether this is just atypical Scouse behavior, but I mean, I did this when I was going out. I mean, I used to do that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, standard. Like a hippie. Right? A hippie hip flex. Yeah. So, Jen. I had given birth a couple of months earlier, so I wasn't drinking. Very responsible, Jen. I had a large bag with breast pump pads and all that kind of baby stuff in. So my mum says, I got through shooting there. As soon as they see the breast pump, they won't look any further.

I am from Liverpool, so I'm so sorry if this is offensive for the people from Liverpool. As it turned out, mum didn't use the illegal fruit chew bottle as my dad bought all the drinks. When I returned home, the fruit soup bottle was still in my bag. So I put it safely in the alcohol cupboard. Yes, Jen, for having the alcohol cupboard. In the kitchen, I thought no more about it. The very next day, I was at the till buying my shopping and I saw my six-year-old school calling.

It was my son's head teacher. Who said? No. I'm just calling to see if there's any reason why you sent Harry into school with straight vodka in his packed lunchbox. I burst into tears at the till. I asked if Harry was okay. And the head teacher told me he was crying in her office. She said he'd alerted the dinner ladies that there was something wrong in his water and it was burning his throat. I mean, first off, Harry. Snitches get stitches.

Imagine going to, oh, bless him. I decided to keep it simple and take the fall myself. So I said, I'm sorry. It was completely my fault. I put vodka in a fruit shoot bottle. It was for a special occasion. Then I thought, I've got a newborn that I'm feeding. What am I saying? So I started to shift the blame to my husband, who was at home minding the newborn and knew nothing about it. All while the lady serving me my shopping was highly invested in my conversation.

On my way to school to collect my son, I called my husband to shout at him. I'd irrationally decided it was his fault to give him that bottle. Well, of course it was. Of course it was. He asked me who in their right mind puts vodka in a kid's drink bottle, which is a valid point.

It nearly ended a divorce and my mum was barred from ever taking a drink anywhere ever again. Harry is now 16 and still believes he will never drink alcohol again. I mean, right? I mean, horrific, but what a way to keep your kids sober. Just traumatise them early doors. That's brilliant. Well done, Jen. Well done, Jen. If there's a learning from this, it's follow this experiment and you might have a teetotal child for the rest of his life.

My key learning for this is I want to go on a night out with Jen's mom. She sounds like a scream. Can you imagine? Oh my gosh. What else is she smuggling in her handbag are the questions that I want to be raising here. And the fact that she was such a seasoned pro at the smuggle that she was like put it in with the breast pump.

Like nobody's going to search you because you're an unsuspecting, you know, like she's quite unsuspecting, isn't she? Because, you know, she's there with the baby in the breast pump. I love that. I reckon Jen's mum is actually maybe some kind of seasoned smuggler. of other things. I think Jen's mum could be Camilla in Mother Hands. A hundred percent. Yeah, if you haven't read it. She's got Camilla vibes. Oh, that's my book, by the way. I wrote that. I wrote that.

Oh, brilliant. Well done, Jen. Thank you. We love it. Yes, well done, Jen. Do you want a quick one? Do you want a quickie? I love a quickie. Go on. This one I'm going to call the baby monitor. Oh, I have a very ominous feeling about this one. Anything to do with a baby monitor. You're tired, aren't you? You're tired, you've got a baby. Right, so this is a tale of...

sleep deprivation. A feeling that a lot of us know very well. Very well, for sure. So, this is from Maria. Maria said, I've breastfed my baby girl since she was born. Cluster feeding days were the hardest followed by night feeds. One night usual cries came from the monitor. Baby had not long moved into her own room.

I must have been in a proper deep sleep because although I remember this incident, I also remember being heavy with tiredness. You know that feeling. So my baby started crying. I sat up. still half asleep and whacked my boob out. But I was getting really frustrated that my nipple wasn't going into her mouth. It then dawned on me, I was slapping my boob. All over the baby monitor.

And she was like, the fact that she actually had to get out of bed to feed her. It was only when I was sitting in the rocking chair feeding the baby. I realise what I try to do. I still think this monitor should exist. Dreaming of a full night's sleep, Maria. I did think, and I know that it was called the baby monitor, but I thought that maybe she was just slapping her boob against their partner's face.

I'm like oh my god Steve I'd love that he thought all this Christmas is a bloody come at once if he woke up and I was just slapping him around the face with one of my tips just like have it Steve get it in your mouth get it in your mouth Our baby monitor, I've got one of these ones that... I've got one of these baby monitors that...

I don't actually have the monitor now. It's all technology, isn't it? So it just comes through to my phone. But it's got a bit of a dodgy connection. So halfway through the night, it just cuts out and the app just collapses and I get kicked out. So a lot of the time, Steve and I wake up and we were like, oh, Nate slept through.

didn't he? Poor Nate's probably screaming his head off all night. We've not just been able to hear him so much. I think that's just the way forward, isn't it? Don't get the baby monitor, guys. They'll just go back to sleep eventually. We want more. We keep them coming. We've had some absolute. crackers this week and they make us all feel so much better about our own parenting techers so there we go it's a almost like an a and a experience isn't it a not a and a

Not A&A. I was like an A&E. We just need to go to bed. We do need to go to bed. So please send them in to tiedandtested at acas.com or you can drop us a DM. on Instagram. Yes, slide in. You can slide in. But thank you so much. They are coming in thick and fast and they are brilliant. So keep your ears peeled as well. Yours might be next week. Sophie, do you know what's exciting? When people are listening to this, we will be in Leeds for you first.

Oh my goodness. It's going to be the first show. It's going to be the first show. Yeah, it's going to be my tap dancing. I'll be fine. I'm still a little bit worried about it. But you know what? I have a very weird relationship with stand-up comedy. I love it. But only... as I'm doing it and then for the three days after that I've done it and then I start to panic again about it and I get real anxiety about it and I do a lot of beef I do a lot of beef walking

like the nerves really get to me they really get to my bowels to be honest um so yeah i get i get quite scared but i really enjoy it um and it leads is my uni city so it's my second home leads and i my last last Yorkshire gig that I did was banging. It was so much fun. So I've got high expectations and I feel that Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds won't let me down. Leeds will be good. Leeds! So yes, I'm there Thursday. I'm doing two nights.

Two nights in Leeds, Thursday and Friday. So it's going to be great. And we've got sellouts as well. So it's going to be packed to the rafters and banging. I don't want to go on a night out afterwards as well. Visit some of my old haunts. In. I'm in. You're in. Oh, there we go. Those that aren't twisted again.

So that is it for another week. Doesn't time fly when you're talking filthy. I think my dad's going to really enjoy listening to this week. I know that he has been listening to previous ones. So sorry about that, John. Asking for a little favor, cruising for one. And if you have enjoyed the podcast, whether it's this week, last week, or the pilot, if you wouldn't mind giving us a little rating on however you listen. So whether that is Spotify or on Apple, that would be super, super helpful.

And if you'd like to come and see me on tour, there are still some tickets available at certain locations. And you can find out where those are via the link in the show notes. Well, I think that's it, Luz. All points on the agenda covered off for this week.

Hit the jingle. It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like saggy boobs and handovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack, bitch, when I'm dead, I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.