11. Botox Doubts and Bashing Trouts

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It's the Tired and Tested Podcast. Enjoy the safe place zone. Over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this strife is what we like to speak. Things like slaggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread Happy listening to the podcast

Oh, hello, and welcome to episode 11 of the Chad Intested Podcast. It's me, Sophie McCartney, and I've got a very glorious and green and not at all grinchy Lucy with the fringe today. Hey, Luce. I've got my neck fringe. Is that to disguise your neck wobble? Yeah, you've made me really paranoid now. You've made me super conscious. So I'm just going to be living in...

Fringes on my head and fringes on my neck. Just to set the scene, I wasn't being mean to Lucy. This is stemmed from the fact that I noticed in the week that I now have a neck vagina. Like a full-on labia under my chin. Now, I've lost a little bit of weight of late. I've been on a little bit of a fitness mission. And I think that as the fat has receded from my neck and my chin...

What has been left behind is just two little flabby bits of... They just look like vag flaps that now just hang underneath. And I'm just... Again, I know this is a podcast, guys, and you can't see it, but for this, I'm just going to... Voor wanneer we cut het. Dat is een nice social clip. Oh my goodness. Look at that for a vagina. Look at that. Look at my neck front bottom. Oh my god. Look at the lips on that.

I mean, if I don't wear a polonet, my husband gets very excited. Every hole's a gold, you know what I mean? I'd sent a picture of that to Lucy because I was like, right, I haven't got any fillers or... any kind of Botox or anything. I've not dabbled yet. But I feel that maybe the time has come to fill the shit out of my neck. Not with my husband's penis. You can keep that away. But I feel like now is the time, babe. What do you reckon?

Well, I told you this, didn't I? I went to have a little consultation, because I'm all about prevention. Like, I feel like, you know, 39, I don't want to start doing injectables. And also, there is a completely... I know that a lot of people who do already use injectables. And I get it. Because it's prevention. And they look amazing. But Jess got really angry at me. Like super angry. And says that I should just grow old gracefully. And I'm like.

Ja, ik weet wat je gaat zeggen. Het is so different for men. Het is so different for men. Want men age, like, fine, hot pieces of ass wine, okay? Like, they gave a drink. Exactly, exactly. George Clooney, all of them. They get grey hairs and they're silver foxes. We get grey hairs and chin hairs and we look like the donkey in Shrek. That's us. And I don't feel that that's fair. So all the men are like, oh, just age gracefully. No, fuck off for cars. Can you feel how angry I get about this?

Oh my god, she's coming through my screen. Oh, because then they all look all hot and older and then all the younger women are like, oh, look at that hot older man. And then they fuck you off and leave you for a 20 year old because you look like a hag. Exactly. So personally, I am one for wanting to preserve my youth. Preserve what you've got, yeah.

Preserve what I've got and went for a little consultation and I know that you're really keen so Sophie messaged me the other day saying because when she said about her neck fanny I was like oh my god I think I'm getting a neck fanny weirdly I've discovered it at the same sort of time So, Sophie, which is... I find this a lot in our relationship. She said, I think the time's now. Let's do it together. You go first so I can see if it works. That is the relationship between Sophie and I.

Can I just think out? Lucy, I like to think as Lucy, she's my momager. She looks after me. She is the Kris Jenner of my life. And I feel that Kris Jenner... She probably would go and have all the surgeries before she let her girls have them, right? Do you think? Yes, she looks seven. So I think she had everything done. And then all the girls were followed too.

I tell you what though, we talk about the Kardashians a bit much, don't we? But I look at Kim Kardashian and she's, how was Kim Kardashian? Is she 42? 42, 43, something like that, yeah. I literally, I scrutinise. When the screen, I'm like looking. And I'm like, how does she look so flawless but not... She doesn't look like overly filled. She looks... Do you want to know how she does it?

Like 62 billion in the bank. Do you know what I keep seeing? On my Facebook, I keep getting spammed by videos of Gwen Stefani. I have no idea why. But it's probably because I keep getting sucked in and I keep looking at them. because Gwen Stefani now... She's looking good. She looks probably better than what she did when she was 20, which is ridiculous because she was insane when she was 20. And it's like, what are Gwen's secrets to looking amazing? Because she's rich. Because she's very rich.

She could just go to the clinic and they just take off somebody else's face and they just attach it onto hers and just smooth it back over. That's how she does it. I just want my neck fanny filled, that's all. Dat is all I need. I'm fine with my face, I just want my net fanny to go away. Do you know, slightly changing this conversation very slightly, but talking of like...

I've got a lot of people messaging me following my self-raising flower hack. Oh, yes. Yeah. And I've been getting a few messages for fringe tips. And do you know what? I have to share this for fellow fringers. Somebody said... Apparently, if you put deodorant on your forehead, it stops your fringe from getting sweaty. Well, I mean, it kind of makes sense. It stops from getting greasy. I mean, I'm going to try this. But hang on, hang on. But deodorant...

It isn't an anti-grease. Oh, well, maybe it is. I mean, who gets greasy pits? Do you get greasy pits? Maybe this is why we don't get greasy pits. Maybe if we didn't wear deodorant, we'd have big sweaty oil slicks. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah, so I like that. Okay, well there we go. You just go and just wild deodorant your face and then come back to us on that and let's just see how that goes. This could be our...

Also, you never know, it might be like a wrinkle filler. It might turn back time. Do you know what? Maybe. Okay. Off you pop. Off you pop. I'll give it a whirl. Okay.

So Lees, mijn beverage of choice today. Hang on, just wait for it. I'm just going to do a little bit of ASMR. I'm just going to hold my drink up to the microphone. And I'm just going to... Ooh. Guess what it is. Yeah, guess what that is. Guess what it has. I'm just going to get the... Can you get... Oh. Oh. I don't know if that will come... Oh. Oh. That is the fizzy effervescent plop of a Baraka hitting...

A pint glass of water. Oh, it's rock and roll today, babe, isn't it? It's rock and roll. But I tell you what, though, I didn't know Barocca. This episode is not sponsored by Barocca, but if they'd like to, I'm downing a lot of them at the moment. And this is a mango flavor. I know. I'm a big fan of mango. Yeah, I am. And I'm a big fan of a normal baraka, but I saw a mango and I was like, yes, please. Let's exotic up.

A whatever morning that we're on now. Look at that. Come on then. It's not quite fully dispersed yet. I'm going to need to give it a little swell. It's also in a pint glass that I fear my husband has stolen from a pub. Does your husband do that? They just can't help. Like little kleptomaniacs for a pint glass. Go into a pub.

en het is awful if we go in with Nate in the pram, because he's like stash it in the pram, and he makes me an accomplice in his stealing of the pint glasses Also, do you know what really upsets me about it? I don't know about you, but Sometimes I open the cupboard where we keep our glasses and it upsets me how they're not all matching. I also find this with the mug cupboard. With the mug cupboard, I've got some nice mugs on display on the shelf and then I open my mug cupboard.

find that you've got mugs that you cannot throw away because they are just so like from the shit builders yeah

Oh my god, the shitbuilders mug. We've got one which is a crappy, big fat Ben & Jerry's one. Brilliant for heating up beans, so that can't get chucked out. No, not the bean mug. Not the bean mug. And then we've got one which is... which is good because I can't throw it away because it's got pictures of my friends from uni on it and that was like and I've got like a I've got a collection of shitty mugs I cannot get rid of

So I don't know if your nurse who does this, but when kids start school, so in like September, they make them do all their Christmas artwork. Oh no, I've just forgotten that I haven't ordered. Oh God. Every year, every year. Yeah, it's November, babe.

Oh, she's going to kill you. Oh my God. She's going to kill you. I haven't ordered the Christmas artwork to be transferred into the mug and the wrapping paper and the notebook. She's going to kill you. Oh my God. They're going to be getting them soon. They're going to be getting them soon. Oh, fuck. Oh, mate, no. I'm like, I'm having a hot panic about this. I can tell.

Oh shit. Let's get on a photo box. Right, yeah. Oh my god, yeah. So every year. Oh fuck, every year. Every year, Sophie forgets. You do every year, forget. I forget every year. And it's because they do it in like... ... ... ... ... En ze brengen hem hem. En dan je bent to tip boxes. En hand over 7,000 pounds. En ik...

Do you know what I've done? I've sent them back. Now this is kind of, it is, no it is my fault. It is 100% my fault, but it's kind of also not my fault, but it is. But because I was, I was away, I was on a tour date and my mother-in-law had sent me a picture of the picture saying, what do I do with this? I was like, just take the boxes and then send it into school. And then I was then meant to go on. Are you throwing Amanda under the bus here?

The most perfect mother-in-law ever created. And you were throwing Amanda under the bus. No, I'm not having that. I know. And then I was meant to go online after that and then pay for it and submit all the QR. And I didn't do that. You didn't do it. didn't do it oh don't tell her you're gonna have to think about this before Evelyn gets home because she is gonna hit the roof

It's just going to be a little face. She gets so disappointed at me because I am such a shit mum. I've been absolutely mullered by her this week because I keep forgetting to give her a poppy money to go in and buy a poppy at school. So I've sent her in this morning with like 20 quid God knows what she's going to come back.

Dat is vooral. Dat is vooral. Dat is vooral. Dat is vooral. Dat is vooral. Dat is vooral. Ja. Ze is vooral. Het is vooral. Het is vooral. Het is vooral. Het is vooral. Het is vooral. Het is vooral. Het is vooral. Het is vooral.

So I'm on my broccoli right here. Cheers. Oh, I did have a coffee. It's morning. We never do this in the morning. I've been caught off guard. I know. Oh, it's nice, but it hasn't dispersed properly. I feel like I need to get my finger in and swill. Yeah. Oh, there we go. There we go. Het maakt me denken van aspirin. Ik denk dat je er niet van. Nee, ik heb er een van deze mensen, als je een barokka hebt, heb je het in een shotglas? Tiny shot. Tiny shot. Ja. Ik vind het een langer barokka.

No. I'll tell you what else is dissolvable. Laxitos. Which I've had many of in my time. For Lucy's tricky bell. Do you know what? These chia seeds though, babe, I feel like I'm cured. Don't want to tempt fate. Yeah, chia seeds. Chia seeds for the win. Are we now, are we everyday? Are we regular AF? I mean, I'm regular.

In comparison to what I used to be. And I don't mean this in an awful way, but have you now lost seven stone because you haven't a shit every day? When you're going to see me, you're going to be like, where's Lucy? Where's Lucy? And I'll be like, here I am. She turns to the side. No, sadly, I was always hoping that once my bowel movement got going, I'd lose like half my weight, but no.

I don't know how, but no. But that's fine, because it's not about the weight. It's about the gut health. It is about the gut health. It's the gut health. It's feeling good inside. Feeling good. Yes. I feel like a normal person. Anyway, should we go back to your Barocca? Why are you drinking beer? Barocca. Barocca. Oh God. I've had like, well, I would say probably the past month. I've had like a month of just.

Het is proper child luggie season, isn't it? Je weet wat het is about de autumn months, het is de shift van going from slightly warm into then cold. We've all been absolutely ridden. I don't think that I have seen my children without... 2 candlesticks of snot now. For just months. And you look at them and you're like. What's different here? And it's like. Basically they pull over your jumper.

Ja, do you get to the point where you just think, I'm not going to bother wiping it because it's just going to be back there in not 20 seconds? Yeah, it's almost, just leave it to, you know, like when you're bleeding and your blood just forms a scab and it's a natural dam. Yeah, so if actually you just leave this...

Het is niet en je niet wapen het weg. Het is een preventie. Ja, het stoppen meer komen uit. Dus ja, met de schilderij. Parenting hack. Hashtag, hashtag mum hack. Don't bother wapen het. Just let het cross over.

Ja, ik heb een Vond bug dit week. Ik weet het niet waar je dit van. Ik weet het niet waar je het van hebt. Ik weet het niet waar je het van hebt. Dus ik was in Edinburgh. Ik had een show in Edinburgh en ik had de train op. Dus ik was op public transport. Dus, je weet het niet waar je het van hebt. De allergie people were next to me.

touch things so people like wipe their bums and touch yeah I'm very funny about touching rails and things on public I don't like it's since covid since they convinced you that walking out of your house that everything was yeah yeah but okay so it could have been from the train yeah taking an

Amazon packaging as well. That's the other thing. I always, whenever I take the Amazon box, I still go and wash my hands after I've taken it. I don't know what this says about me because I don't do it after I get Royal Mail. I'm like, oh, this is royal. This is fine. It's fine. It's all good. But after the Amazon one, I'm like, oh, I'm just going to wash my hands, Jeff. So...

Ja, dus ik heb het op en dank God, whatever het was, wanneer het was food, het might have been food, ik weet niet. Do we think het could have been the Dark and Stormies dat je was drinken? Ik heb twee. Ja, maar dat is strong. Dus ik ga ik vormen van vormen van alcohol, het gebeurt om twee uur. Ten minuten later. Ja, ik was benen kinderig om te zeggen twee uur. Ja. Between 10 minutes to 2 hours after the event.

I will lose my insides. So I felt absolutely fine, had my breakfast, got the train back home, had lunch, absolutely fine. And then it hit me and I was like, oh my goodness. And the fear that that could have hit me when I'd been on stage. TV Gelderland 2021 en ik wouw ik kan ik wouw ik wouw ik wouw ik wouw ik wouw ik wouw ik wouw ik wouw ik wouw Het would have been horrific. Wat een show dat would have been. Voor de mensen van Edinburgh. Een beetje meer dan wat ze bargained voor.

A literal shit show. But I tell you what, right? So Steve wasn't with me when the sickness hit. He wasn't here. And I was on my own with the three kids. And it was, I think, like one of the worst. I can kind of look at it now.

And I can laugh about it. But at the time. In the moment. It was so horrific. So I was halfway through giving Nate his tea. And I was like. And you know when you're doing that thing. Where you feel it's coming. But you're trying to like. You're trying to like chew it back down. No.

No. And you're in denial thinking it's not going to come out. It's not going to come out. And then I had to leg it to the sink. And so I'm then projectile vomiting into the sink. Right. So Nate, bless him, is stuck in his high chair. Just go. Jack is sat on the sofa. On his switch. He hasn't even bothered. Lifting his eyes from his switch. As I'm making the most horrendous noises. Being sick.

Evelyn is asking me for the password for my Apple ID because she's trying to download something on her iPad and it's not working. So in between my heaves... I'm trying to phonetically sound out my password. And obviously because I'm gagging and spewing. And she's... Well, she's eight. That's a lie. She's eight. And so she's not quite getting what I'm saying. So she's typing it in wrong. So she's continually coming back to me going, Mommy, can you do it again? And I'm like, no. No! Then...

Dus ik heb dan had to let Nate uit. Ik heb let Nate uit. I've closed all doors. I've shut us into the room so nobody can escape and nobody can die. Nate's there just pulling on my cardigan. I'm then just ignoring him as I'm being sick. He's then turned around. He's opening the baking cupboard. de trays out, hij heeft alles over het floor. Evelyn dan komt op me, just slides, as I'm vomiting, a piece of white paper next to me, then slides a pen on top of it and went...

Could you just write down the password instead? De compassion. Oh, het is ridiculous. Jack is then sat there. He's then lifted his eyes up at this point. I've probably been meaning to it for like 20 minutes now at this point, right? Can't move from my position over the sink. He's just gone, what's for tea? And I was like...

Sorry, sweetheart. I was like, you're probably going to have to make your own tea. Okay. And by that, I mean, you're just going to have to put some toast in and get a bowl of cereal. And he's like, like Kevin and Perry stropping at me. Oh, I'm not even eating tea. Oh, I'm not even going to bother eating tea if it's just toasted cereal. Sorry, darling. Sorry, darling. Mummy's got lunch coming out of her nostrils. Sorry, I can't help. And then he's like...

Can you order me a takeaway? I was like, no, I'm not fucking getting on Deliveroo and scrolling through a variety of foods to get to you. I'm spewing. And I just couldn't, couldn't get past. Oh my God. How horribly selfish and uncaring and self-centred that my children were in my hour of need. And I think that they would step over my cold, dead, lifeless body. To get my phone. For my Apple password. And order a delivery. A delivery.

I honestly think that's what would happen. And at this point also, my patience levels are also on the floor. So I'm like... I can't believe this. If mummy was looking after you while you were being sick. I'd be there rubbing your back, stroking your hair, making sure that you were okay. And then Evelyn, she then came over me and she just really unsympathetically patted me on the back and went, I hate being sick. And then walked off. So yeah, dat was me. Do you know what? Oh man. It's just...

Oh, it just really hits home, doesn't it? Just how much you love your kids and just how much really they don't really care all that much about you. You are there just to service their needs. Absolutely. It reminded me of a time I was walking home with the kids from school and I like to lecture them about road safety all the time. It's like my biggest fear. It's scary. It is awful. And the road that we walk...

Home on. It's a major road. But also it's residential as well. And the cars will reverse out of the drives. And so you know what kids are like. They always like to run ahead or they're on their scooters. So I'm always like no you've got to stay by mummy. You've got to stay by mummy. I was like.

Because, for example, and I told them that when I'd been walking up to school to collect them, a car had been coming out of its drive and it didn't see me and I'd had to jump out of the way. And I was like, kids, if that was you and you were on your scooter, you wouldn't know to jump out of the way. So you can't scoot. So everyone was like, well, mum, what would have happened if the car had hit you? And I was like, well, darn it. I could have died. And what would you have done?

If I had died because I had been hit by the car. And she just looked at me and she went. Well I'd probably just go home. Get a snack and wait for daddy. I was like sorry what? I was like, sorry, you would just leave mummy.

Je hebt het even gezegd voor een pulse op dit moment. Ik moet niet hebben gezegd. Ik heb gewoon heel badly geïnvloed. Ze is on haar second pakken van Pombas. Ja, exactly. Ze heeft hetzelfde in. Ze heeft me geïnvloed. Ze heeft me geïnvloed. Ze heeft me geïnvloed. Ze heeft me geïnvloed. Ze heeft me geïnvloed.

waiting for daddy. I was like, thanks so much. I know. It's fucking soul-destroying, I tell you. Well, at least you don't have to worry about leaving your kids and them being heartbroken. I know. They're going to be fine. They're going to be fine. And they're fairly self-sufficient. You know what I mean?

I mean, you know, once they're in, once they're in through the face ID and the password, they'll be able to just live off delivery, won't they? It's fine. Do you know what? This morning, I was... Jez had a gig last night, so I was solo parenting and in the morning I'll get up and then I'll go down and get a bottle and a glass of milk for Kit and make myself a coffee and we'll just have a little chill while Bo's having his bottle.

Kit came down and was like, Mummy, I want my breakfast. And he usually gets his breakfast at nursery. But sometimes I'm like, OK, well, you can have a little bit. Anyway, I was like, no. I said, we've got to get ready. We're running behind. So I go back upstairs and I can just hear him going. Alexa! Alexa! Turn on television! Alexa! Because Jez has got it all hooked up to do it like this. Anyway, I go back down. He sat there. He's made his own breakfast. He sat there with the telly on.

Look at me, mammy. I was like, oh my god, you are growing up. I didn't like it. Did you not? I was like, stop it. Stop it. I was like, no. I was like, no, stop it. I want you to be little forever. The minute that they can get their asses out of bed. Make their own breakfast and put the telly on. You're winning at life, babe. Oh, my God. You can just have a lovely little lay-in. You just need to work on Bowie now because he's a bit small for that.

Yeah, well, I'll get him into training camp, okay? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. But speaking of sick days, how different is it, though, if Steve or Jez are poorly? Yes, now you say this, and I know that Jez suffers horribly from the man, awful from the man afflictions, and it is the worst thing ever. But do you know what is more annoying than that? A husband who doesn't get sick.

And then when you're sick, kind of just gloats this kind of, well, yeah, he's not here, but kind of gloats this kind of like, oh. I'm tough as in your weakest piss mentality. Steve doesn't get sick. Even when we all... He's fit. Well, no, I don't even know what it is. I think I'm fitter than him at the minute. I'm more hench. My traps are bigger than Steve. He's never poorly. No, she's not. And you know, I don't know what it is. I wonder whether maybe, because his mum was an NHS nurse.

En ik weet het met Steve, toen hij was trainingen voor Physio. Hij deed een stint in de NHS. En ik vind dat je een related of married to iemand die in de NHS hebt, sympathie levels van je niet wel zijn. Dus ik denk dat...

Comparison to the emergencies. Exactly to what they see. So if you've got a cold, it's like, come on, you're not really that ill. So when he was little, like, I mean, his mom, you know, God love her. She loves him to death. But if he wasn't feeling very well, she'd just be like, come on, you're all right.

Get on with it. Yeah, crack on. So I wonder whether actually he just doesn't feel very well and he just cracks on with it. Whereas I'm just like, ah! So maybe it's me. Maybe I have the man flu out of the two of us when I'm not well. However, Steve does like a hangover.

He does like a hangover, yeah. And that's where he makes up for it, doesn't he? But also, when he's hungover, so he doesn't get ill. So if I'm hungover, if I've absolutely caned it, as we've discussed, I will vomit and I will feel horrendous and I'll be in a world of pain. He doesn't vomit either. He could drink his body weight in alcohol. And he wouldn't vomit. But the next day. He's a sleeper. It's not that he's useless. It's just that he just chooses.

Not to do anything. He also gets hungover horny. He will be like on the sofa or falling asleep really early because he's hungover. And then we get into bed and then the hangover horn hit. And I'm like, mate, mate, you ain't spoken to me all day. This isn't, this isn't happening. You still smell a little bit like... between pale ale and rum. So no, that's not floating my boat, Steve.