10. Laminated Lists and Swimming Pool Shits

It's the Tired and Tested Podcast, enjoy the safe play zone, over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan. Normal life and all this drive is what we like to speak, things like saggy boobs and handovers that last a freaking week. From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast. everybody to episode 10 of the Tired and Tested podcast slash some kind of weird

phone-in sex line with me, a very husky, voiceless Sophie McCartney and a slightly less prepubescent boy sounding Lucy with the fridge. Oh my God. That was an intro. That was quite the intro. Sorry, guys. You're going to have to deal with me like this. I flip between feeling it's actually quite sexy. I think so. And not.

And just annoying. Just really annoying. Yeah, sometimes I feel like I've been with you all day today and I feel like going, can you just cough it up now? Can you just stop playing? Can you stop feeling sorry for yourself? Hack it out. Hack it out. So this started on stage on Friday night in South. and it started going as I was like mid-set and then I was in the Isle of Man on Saturday. I went into National Bay. Is it full of men?

I did see a few men. It was an island full of men. It was an island full of men. It did make me laugh, though, because after I did the show, after I, like, croaked my way through it like this, and then a lady tagged me in one of her Instagram posts, and just a picture of her, and just this, like... room full of women she's like if anyone's looking for any mums on the isle of man tonight we're all here because like there's only a population of something like

37,000 or something. And I think all the mums were there, just abandoned all their kids and partners. Like, see ya. We're off out. But yeah, they were proper up for it. They were like messaging me afterwards, like, come on. There was a bar there called The Outback, which is...

Were you invited out there? Yeah. I was invited out, out to the Outback in the Isle of Man. But I sounded like this. And I was feeling very sorry for myself. And I had some Marks and Spencer's picky bits to eat in the room afterwards. So I just went back and ate a pack of chicken.

watched race around the world and I went to bed. And then I flew out again at like seven o'clock in the morning. I was back at Liverpool for like half past seven in the morning. Rock and roll. But they call the Isle of Man the rock. And so people kept messaging me going. The what? They call the Isle of Man, the people who live on the Isle of Man, they call it the rock. So people kept.

messaged me going oh we can't wait to see you on the rock and I was like you'd meet both I can't wait to jump on on Dwayne I can't wait to get me some rock action. I did not know what you meant from it when you were like, yeah. I was like, what is she on about? Oh, yes. Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Did I ever tell you about my sex dream about Dwayne The Rock Johnson?

I never realised how sexually attracted I wanted him. Oh my God, go on. Until after this dream. While we know I won't go into the inner details, I'll spare Steve's blushes.

Because I told him the next day and he was just like really annoyed with me. Were you having sex with Steve in your dream? In real life, but you thought he was the rock and were you giving it your all? No, Steve was not involved in the dream. He wasn't even in the room. No, but you weren't having sex with him whilst you were dreaming.

No, because I was asleep. Well, yeah, you can have sex in your sleep, you know. Consensually? Have you never woken up before just having sex? No. Oh, my goodness. So me and... One of a person that I used to work with used to talk about this whole time. This has happened to me a lot. You just wake up and then the next morning you're like, I can't believe you instigated that. And then he's like.

No, you didn't. I'm like, no, you didn't. None of us know. No, stop. It's sleep. Sex is fine. It's called sexomnia. Sexomnia. Yeah. Word of the day. It's kind of the only time we have sex. When you're both unconscious and can't remember it. And our bodies are like, come on, we need this to keep going in our marriage. So thank goodness for our subconscious keeping our marriage alive. Oh, no. Maybe.

Oh my God, maybe Stephen and I should do that. Because that's kind of like just, I can multitask the shit out of that thing, can't I? Because I'm actually asleep. You'll wake up and be like, oh, done it. Done it. Take, done for the month. So sorry, sorry, I interrupted you. No. Your sex dream about the rock? Oh, yeah. I mean, it was quite vivid. There was quite a lot of... Did you see his cock? Yeah. Oh, stop. What was it like? It was small.

But I wondered whether in the dream, this is all the dream, nobody sue me, I've never seen his penis. I imagine it's as massive as he is, okay? But I think maybe it was just because the ratio was off because the rest of him was so big. Oh, right. I think that's probably all it was. Probably a really big cock because he's so much bigger. Yeah, it's a scale issue, I think. But I had a lovely time. How was it? It was great. And then I woke up and I was devastated. It was a dream.

But then I made the mistake of telling Steve about this. And he was fuming with me. But... But does Jez ever dream cheat on you? Steve dream cheats on me all the time and I'm livid about it and I am fuming all day. And I will send him passive aggressive messages while he's at work going, I cannot believe that you slept with that woman in my dream. And I'm so cross with it.

but if it's the other way around and I've shagged somebody exciting in my dream I wake it up to tell him I go my god babe guess who I shagged in my sleep

Do you have a laminated list with Jez of celebs that you're allowed to go near? We've been talking about this recently, haven't we? And I was thinking about my laminated list. And I did have a laminated list, not with jazz, but I did have one maybe in like 2010. And do you know who was on it? And I never think about this person anymore. Oh. I had a really strange one because I can remember who was on it. Because I know what your type of taste of men is. Right, go on.

Who do you think's on it? And I'll say yes or no. What is it? Pete Doherty? He was on it back in the day, but this was his Kate Moss days. Oh. Because that made him... Because that made... He's more sexually appealing. Yeah. It's each of their own, guys. Each of their own. Who else do you think might be on there? Oh. Um... I just, I just kind of go for like skinny jean wearing. Alex Turner. Yeah, see, yeah. Action monkeys. Yeah. I did have to marry somebody who wore skinny jeans.

I know, but just, I think, do you know what, out of Pete Doherty and Alex Turner, I think Jez is actually the best. I've gone up. But no, do you know who else was on there? We always, like, I can't believe we forgot about this person. Who? He was...

A solid part of our youth, Steve Jones from T4. Oh my God, I love Steve Jones. But then I think my Steve looks like Steve Jones. Just a little bit. To be fair, Jez looks like, well, our husbands are quite similar looking, aren't they? They're very interchangeable. And they're both into wood as well. their own and of the DIY variety, like little beavers. Yeah. Oh, Steve Jones, yeah, I love, and do you like Kelly Jones from Stereophonics?

Because they're all kind of, again, the same. Yeah, yeah. He's really small, I think. Can I make that up? Oh, I don't know. I've never met him. Neither have I. Oh, God, when I laugh, I sound like muttly. I just sound like that when I laugh normally, but at least you can say that it's because you're cool. I always sound like that. Do you know what they were doing? I did feel a little bit congested.

day but over the weekend I haven't actually felt that coldy but you know what I had to get the train into Manchester because we're in Manchester we're together guys Manchester Manchester and I had to get the train in oh my god the most exciting thing happened on the train babe You saw The Rock. I know I did.

It didn't shag the rock on the train, which would have been arguably more exciting. So it was just, I was at Manchester, Oxford Road and I was getting off at Piccadilly and there was a young handsome man who was about to get off the train before me. And I was just sat there on my phone.

texting you about something when you probably told me I had something to do when I'd forgotten about it because that seems to be the trend of the week in our relationship and as he was getting off this young attractive man turned around and shouted at me at me and he went tired and tested and i was like i was so like i was caught off car because one he was a man two he was attractive and three he was quite young when you say quite young what are you saying well like

Below 30, I would say. Stop it. I would say below 30. No, he wasn't. If you are the hot man that said hello to you on the train today, can we get a right in of your age, please? Please make yourself known. And then he went, I'm a big fan. Good luck on the tour.

I know but I was like wow I'm transcending all audiences here but yeah I was just very surprised it wasn't just like a mum of my age because they're normal I mean I love the mums of my age we have great chats when we meet but it is very very rarely a young attractive man who is in my target audience. Do you think he's got pictures of you stored on his phone? Maybe he has sex dreams about me, like I'm the rock.

He's going, do you know what? Something really exciting happened to me this morning. Do you know what? I don't think even my own husband has sex dreams about me. Yes, he does. Come on. Can I just say, I feel like we're in Cluedo. it is proper we are in right okay audio listeners um we are in a proper like whodunit murder mystery style library

No, I feel like there might be hidden cameras in here as well. We'll take a picture of it and put it on the ground so you can see. But yeah, it's about, I mean, there's a lovely fireplace. There's lots of books. I wonder whether they're real books. Do you think they're real books?

one a secret doorway opens yeah and we're going to be sucked into some kind of indiana jones style jumanji passageway yeah there's lots of potentially um like murder weapons yeah there's no candlestick there's no candlestick but look that's quite a candlestick looking Looking lamp? Yeah. Oh, they've got the clock. You could kill somebody with the clock. Yeah, yeah. That's one right for the jugular, isn't it? Yeah, so, you know. Oh, well, I feel much more comfortable in your presence now.

Jobs are good. Yeah, so we're in Manchester. We are in Manchester. And to get to the murder mystery studio that we're in, and we got an Uber from Lucy Stane over in a hotel, so I met her there. And, oh my God, somebody had puked in the back of the Uber prior to us.

like a smell that loose couldn't and i'm just sitting there just like gypping to myself and it's obviously on my side and then i got out and i saw it all in like the door oh no did you see it i can't and you know when you've smelled somebody else's puke and you cannot get the smell out of your nose

like I'm not great with vomit do you know what I would rather we may have discussed this before I can't remember but I would rather clean up poo than vomit I think that comes from I have a dog oh I don't know and I just regularly pick up poo I don't know But you also have a baby. I do. I do. Do you ever smell your baby's poo and it smells like your own poo? No, but I do find this with farts.

Oh. Yeah. I don't think they smell like mine, but I've noticed that Kit and Bowie's farts both smell very similar. Is that because you serve them the same thing? Do you think? Possibly. I don't know. being um being poirot here is it because you've both given them both fish fingers for tea maybe no i don't find well i don't poo so you don't poo no that is true um luce is the most constipated woman i've ever met my entire life

And, like, I would say she is full of shit, but she is genuinely full of shit. She cannot get that out for a lot of money. We have quite in-depth WhatsApp conversations. Like, Steve sits there and our phones ping all the time, don't they? And he's like, what do you talk to Lucy about? Well, I'm like, well...

She hasn't been in six days, so I'm just giving her some leg exercises to do. Do the little bicycle crunch that you do with the babies when they're constipated. Get on your back and rock your legs from side to side. Have you always been? quite withholding. Are we going to do this now? Well, I just feel like, you know, let's open up. Do you know what, though? Like, to help dear listeners who might also suffer in... in that kind of side of things um i recently was given a uh colonic irrigation

I have had one of those. Have you? Yeah. What's that feel like? Weirdest thing ever. Oh my God. So obviously I thought it was going to, it was going to like. completely cure my um give you a right or flush out yeah and then i'd be cured but because i was so um i was struggling so much at one point

And so I decided to try. Can you remember? There was that Netflix program about juicing and how this guy just juicing was the best thing ever. You have to juice everything. Oh, no. Not like blending, like juicing. Just juicing. So I did a little bit of juice diet. How did you juice a tin of Pringles?

asking for a friend just pour some water um but yeah so i tried juicing and then um then i just was like i'm going to bring myself in just see if this give this a whirl but because i've been juicing they were like there's nothing in your stomach well where's all the food i've eaten for the last 30 years but like no so yeah no it was very strange because you've got this woman just being like oh it's yeah rummaging around with a hose pipe up your ass yeah

very very strange sensation um however i recently uh was speaking to a dietitian and i was like telling her my walls and she was like chia seeds i was like babes i have tried Everything. Everything under the sun. But the chia seeds, the one that kind of go like frog spawn when they go wet. Apparently they do. And do you know what? These chia seeds were onto something here. Oh, really? I think we are. I think we are. I've had a lot more.

Oh, well, cheers to that. So tour tickets are available for 2024, guys. That's the height of the comedy. You're going to be experiencing it with me. So, yeah. Cheesy. Cheesy. Lovely. Well, next time I'm desperate for a shit, that's what I'm going to do.

Also, it's been a very sad week, very tragic week for all millennials, I reckon, because poor old Chananda Labong died, didn't he? Do you know? Matthew Perry.

That was a real, when I woke up and I saw all the messages on my phone, it was a real... you know when sometimes people die and you kind of expect it and you're like oh that person died or like they're very very old they're very old like when david attenborough finally goes god love him i mean he's never gonna go even queenie it's like you know she had a good in it yeah whereas this one was like a wow

wasn't it yeah a bit of a wow i mean he was he was a troubled soul he was a troubled soul but he did so much didn't he for kind of helping others and he had this addiction center that he'd opened and i saw i've seen quite a few things since he's died but about how actually he just wants to

be remembered not necessarily for friends but for all the good that he did and trying to help others and getting over his addiction yeah it was very very tragic but um i am now gonna i think go back and start watching all the friends again i'm gonna do the friend and just relive it he had some absolute cracking moments oh gosh i know do you know what i was with my nieces at the weekend and one of them she is just about the age where she was like

talking because we were talking about friends and um Catherine my sister-in-law was like how do you know about French and she was like I've seen a couple of episodes and she's like at that very and we were kind of looking at each other she was like you know there's sex and stuff and then she was like yes mom i know but we were talking about how once once if you're going to do friends you have to do it properly from the start and then

Any one of our, do you not find that we always make reference to situations in life? Any life situation is quite, you know, that episode of Prince. The amount of times this week I've sung, smelly cat, smelly cat. Yeah. The one where Phoebe loses her voice. Who's your favorite?

My favourite, well, I always wanted to be Jennifer Aniston. I always wanted to be Rachel. And I had... Basic bitch. Basic, I know. But I always, I aspired to have her hair on the other times. I went to the hairdressers and I got that bloody awful Rachel cut. Rachel cut. I remember my hairdresser trying to talk.

me out of it but being like baby you're not gonna be able to do the layers and i was like do the layers nobody nobody could pull off the layers like rachel who had full hair and makeup team yeah every day they were the only people that could style those rachel cut layers man it was a try A tragedy for all of the hairdos of the 90s. I love that. What was your favourite Chandler memory? Oh, God. Well, I think it was the episode where...

where Ross is running late for, I can't remember if it's an award ceremony or something, and they're all invited. And then... it's when Joey comes in and he goes, could I be wearing any more clothes? I love Joey. But I love them all. I love them all for different reasons. They're just so relatable in different ways. I used to love all the ones with... Janet. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

I've never done the Friends. Have you done the Friends set for them? No, but my friend Carly is obsessed with Friends. She cried herself to sleep last night. Oh, bless her. I know, I know. But yeah, I'd like, I've never done it, but she's a... big old friends I just find it like even though I wouldn't have put myself as a as like a super fan I think everybody knows so much about it's it's incredible because of what I'm that generation yeah

It was your Friday night viewing, wasn't it? It was. Everybody watched the same stuff. We'd sit down with my mum and dad and watch Friends. I don't know what... When did it first start? What year did it first start? It was 1997. I was in high, was I in high school? I must have been in high school. But again, so just came back to what you're saying about like your friend's daughter watching and there are sex references. And I remember there's an episode where Ross is trying to talk dirty.

And I don't know whether he's with Rachel at the time, I can't remember who he's with, but she's like, talk dirty to me. And he goes, vulva. And for years, I never understood what that was. I thought you were saying Volvo. Volvo. I was like, why is a Volvo dead sexy? I don't understand. When I got older, I was like, oh, Volvo. I mean, Ross.

was also a close second actually the bit with this I always reference the leather pants whenever I'm wearing any kind of pleather trouser and I'm trying to get it back up yeah and every time we go for a spray tan I'm in it

Oh, friends, I cannot actually wait to start watching it with Evelyn, I think, when she gets, like, outside teenage years. You can start watching it with Jack, probably. Do you reckon? Yeah. I don't know if he'd be that fast. No, he probably wouldn't. No. Evelyn would like it. No. Oh, well, rest in peace, Matthew Perry. We still...

you for everything that you did for all of your friends right now it is time for And again, with the sexy voice, this could make this section. She's here all night. Oh, so much better. So it is time, ladies and gentlemen. The Urban Dictionary Corner. Luce, what absolute bag of filth have you got for us this evening? Do you know what? Do you know what I discovered today? There's an Urban Dictionary app.

Oh, my God. Do you know what there is on the app? The Urban Dictionary Challenge. And I'm like, this is what we do. This is essentially. If they've stolen it. They've stolen it from us. Do we need to get them from us? Yeah, I think they've stolen it from us. So. I've downloaded the app.

And they're probably going to see a huge spike in downloads now as well. But I ended up going down, falling down a little bit of an Urban Dictionary hole. Because I started on something and then that led me to another thing. And then that led me to another thing. So I've got three and one. Okay. Right. I've got a challenge coming up. The first one, Sophie McCartney, what is... Now, this is from 2002. Okay, so this is my era. I went to uni in 2002. Okay, right. What is...

A cuckold. Wait, now is this an accent thing? A cuckold. Cuck. Cuck as in C-U-K. C-U-C-K-O-L-D. A cuckold. A cuckold. A cuckold. Oh, wait, hang on. A cuckold. A cuckold. C-U-C. Yeah. C-U-C-K. Yeah. Cuck. Yeah. O-L-D. Right. A cuckold. A cuckold. I thought you said a cuckold. I thought you said a cuckold. Right, no, a cuckold. A cuckold. A cuckold. A cuckold. Okay, like I'm going with a chicken. Some kind of chicken pensioner scenario. A cuckold is it.

When, oh, I know what it is. Is it when a pensioner takes their teeth out and gives somebody a blowjob? Is it that? Is it that? And they get really holed. A gummy job. Yeah, of a cook. And they can't say cuck properly, cuck properly, because they've got a penis in their mouth. And they're old. And they're old. So they're like, oh, come here, I'll give you a cuckold. A cuckold. A cuckold. Yeah. A cuckold. Is that it?

Right. Okay. Okay. I don't know. A cuck. Cuck. A cuck. A cuck. No. What is it? I don't think you'll get it. No, I don't think I will. It's actually quite interesting. Is it? It's a husband. Whose wife chooses to have lovers. I wouldn't have got that in a million years. He and his spouse adored one another, but she chose to maintain independence and have lovers. He was a cuckold. He was a cuckold. Slash her bitch. Yeah. Right?

Now, so from that, I got this, this, this was the third one that I came through. So, so before a step before I got that, I came across, across a queen. Now, is that like cuck? And then it's queen, but it's Q-U-E-A-N. Queen. Not like, oh my God, she's such a queen with all their cooks. Like she's got as many lovers as she wants. So she's like a queen. in.

No. So what do you think it is? I just think it's an absolute bad boss bitch of a woman who just goes around shagging whoever she wants and she's like that to her husband. Fucking shut up. I'm going to do what I want, bitch. Well, this is it. So it's a wife who is compliant. Oh. It's not fetish for her husband's... It's a polar opposite then. So it's the wife. So she's been cuckolded by the husband when she's fine with it. Yes. Oh. So she's the cuckold.

So she's the female equivalent of the cuckold. All right. So in my sex dream, Steve is cuckold as I shag the rock. Yeah, yeah. And when he cheats on you, if you're happy with it, which you're not, so you're not a cuckoo. I'm not a cuckoo. To be fair, he's not a cuckold either. He was not happy. He was like, honestly, baby, he was like, you couldn't get a man more different than me if you tried.

than the rock he's like is that what you like is that what you're into he's just there there's like really angrily bench pressing in the corner that's not true they've both got penises that's true you know yeah um so this the first word I came across which then put me into the whole of cucks is cuck cake a cuck cake that's cute right a cuck cake oh Oh, what the hell is a cock cake then? Okay, so if a cock is somebody who likes to shag about, a cock cake is somebody who just shags.

Bakery produce? No. Nope. I don't know what a cake is in Urban Dictionary. A cake. A cake. A cake. A cake. Is it somebody who's just like... A bit nothing-y. Who's just like all vanilla and nothing else. Just all sugar and vanilla. But just empty calories. Like they're not even worth it. No. I mean, what I'm going to suggest is you think about the two previous cucks. Yeah, and think about what a cuck kick could be in relation to the cuckold and a cuckween.

Is it just somebody who's just not asked? Either way. No. No. No. Do you want to know? A cupcake is the mistress... or side dish in an affair usually associated with a queen who's the woman who's aroused by her male partner having sex with another woman so here's the example john with that was out with his cupcake

while his cuck queen wife waited at home, playing with herself and waiting for all the juicy details. So the cupcakes are... So this is the cuckold. It's out. They're out. Have a lovely time. The cuck queen... is at home while the husband is out with the cookies. Just what? Just, just...

She's at home getting aroused by the thought of her husband being with a cupcake. Right, so she's not just got the kitchen knife out ready for him to come home. She's already been up to the wardrobe, slashed all of his items of clothing, already gone onto his social media and just like super...

composed his head on like pictures of like... pigs being shagged by goats and things and just set some horrible rumour off about him on kind of some whatsapp group she's she's actually just sat at home just totally fine just so ecstatic that she's just creaming herself because her husband's off. And this is why Steve will never leave you based on that exact sentence before. I would be a crazy bitch. Absolutely. He knows this. He knows I'd be 100% psycho.

Have you ever been a little bit of a cycle when you've split up with a boyfriend before? No, because I've always dumped my boyfriends. Oh, right, yeah. He's always a dumper, never the dumpee. Never dumped. I've been a dump head before. Oh, no. And I imagine that you didn't take that very well. I actually refused to split up. Well, no. He's like, no, I'm going to break up. Well, I'm not. Sorry. I'm sorry. It's two to ten.

So you can try splitting up with me, but I am not agreeing. I'm going to be stuck with me until your dying day. Two people and the divorce papers here. he was in my bedroom at home and I shot tied to something because he wasn't allowed to go it's worse it's worse he was in my bedroom I wouldn't let him out the door so he tried to climb out the window

There's just nothing about this that surprises me that you would be 100% the world's worst person to dump. I'm not very good at heartache. I'm really not. And how many floors was he when he tried to escape? I wonder if he fell. What am I trying to explain to you? No, it's bungalow. Oh, fine. Oh, good. But you see, I was dumped a couple of times. And then you see after that.

Ice cream. And it took me a long time for Jez to... Not a coqueen. No, ice cream. Ice cream. It took, when I finally did meet my husband, took him a long, long time to wear down. And I love that you then went for a two-story house and the fucker couldn't get out the window even if he wanted to. Do you like your legs, Jez? Tough shit.

Oh, God. So, yeah, there you go. There's a little bit of insight. There we go. Well, that was actually quite an informative. It was, right? Urban Dictionary Corner. So, every day's a school day. I'd avoid the cucks at all costs, if I were you. Fucking cuckets. Fixed of the cocks. Yeah, much better. Okay, well, I have just seen the candlesticks for the murder. They're on that mantelpiece. In the library. Yeah. It was batshit crazy Lucy.

With the candlestick in the library. She refused to be dumped. With a broken heart. Hell hath no fury. But not as broken as the bloke's legs were going to be after he'd gone out the window. Listen, I've grown a lot since then. I've just got bigger so I can throw myself on him to stop him from going. Right. I reckon it's probably about time.

that we went for maybe a parenting tale slash fail i'm gonna call it the swimming lesson Oh, a little evil look that you've just given me after that one. No, this is actually from one of my friends, which is asked to remain anonymous. Oh God, okay. You know, it's going to be good when the person refuses to be named.

Oh, right. Are you ready? You strapped in? I am. Okay. I was very excited to be taking my 12-week-old baby to his first swimming lesson. Oh, God, I am already filled with absolute fear as to where this story is going. It was the first time I was dipping my toe into mother and baby groups. I'm quite shy and I'm not a fan of meeting new people, so it was a big day for us both. We got ourselves ready and waited by the pool for our instructor.

There were about eight of us mums with babies, so it was a nice smallish group. We all sheepishly smiled at each other and made small talk, probably about the weather. As we were waiting, my son began to squeeze. Perfect timing for a dump. They love it. They see a pool and they go, I'm just going to squeeze one out. So I was too shy to say anything. So I decided to just pretend I hadn't noticed.

And we all got into the water. As we got into the pool and we were doing introductions, something didn't feel quite right. I noticed that my baby's nappy had doubled in size. The instructor then loudly announced, Oh, did you not use a swim nappy? Oh, no. Swim nappy? I didn't even know they existed. Why does nobody tell you this stuff? Oh. So.

She suggested that I go and buy some from reception. So I sheepishly head out to the pool to go buy one. Where's the baby? She's taking the baby. As I picked him up to get out of the pool. The nappy had swollen so much, it was really heavy. So heavy, it slipped off my baby and dropped into the pool complete with his pre-swim. oh my god oh my god imagine the scenes of panic like everybody out like slow-mo like a great white shark adjoining there save yourself save yourself

So not only had I embarrassed myself by not knowing about swim nappies, I'd also ruin swimming for the entire class as they all had to be evacuated to deep clean the pool fall under my baby's bed. Oh God. She says, I couldn't show my face again at swimming ever again. My son is now 12 years old and I've never set foot in the local swimming pool.

with him ever since no don't I wouldn't bother it's absolutely fine and there's nothing worse is they're on holiday and it's like the whistle goes and then they see the lifeguard come and all that time we were on holiday about six of them were all standing around the pool just trying to work out

whether it was a leaf or whether it was a clue. And then they sent, I mean, it looked like they'd done short straws, but I reckon they'd absolutely diddled this poor lad because they sent the youngest lifeguard in. Oh, stop. With a sieve. Oh, stop. And he got in and he had to fish it out. And then his little face, he just turned around and just grimly confirmed. And then it was like, everybody out. And then the yellow tape of shame comes out around the pool.

out to go in and you see all the parents looking around the pool like it wasn't me it wasn't my child it wasn't my child you see I've never been in that situation that you know I've not not that not that no but I've never been in a swim pool that's been evacuated because of a poo what's the crack with that

How long do you have to stay out of it for? It's like four hours or something. The absolute shame of shutting down. And it's even worse when there's only one pool on holiday and you're with a family that has shut down the one pool.

And everyone's got to take their kids to the beach, which is a fate worse than death. Oh, God. Just keep your child in their very sticky factor 50. Just rolling them onto the sand like they're a scotch egg. I hate the beach. Everybody cries. It's the worst. It is the worst.

It's the worst. And you're there and you're thinking, oh, I'm going to do it because it's hashtag making memories. Nobody has a nice time. I hate the beach. You just want to get back to the pool as fast as you possibly can. And then you get back to the pool after being kicked off to go to the beach because someone had a shitty haul. And some fuckers have...

on your sun lounger and then you're really really really irrationally angry about it do you do this on holiday where you you have that you like the same spot you do yeah and i don't know why it's it's like a really like um like territorial thing that yeah it's what

Once you go on holiday, on your first day, you decide where you are to sit for the rest of your holiday and you do not move. But you do realise, you doing that, you're stealing somebody else's spot. Well, no, no, no. Like, you've got there first. That's fine. So, you get there first. Yeah.

But somebody's already been there for three days and they're like, who the fuck is that? Skysbird. You know, robbing us. Well, maybe, but tough shit. I'd just like to have one aspect, one view for the whole of my holiday. Never move. And then you do have to move. And you're like, oh, hotel looks very different from this angle. Do you know, when we went on holiday this year, we had a selection of pools. And I felt like... Fancy pants. I know, right? I felt the pressure.

to make sure we spent a decent amount of time at each pool. Because you paid for it. Because you paid for it, yeah. And I really did, I found it quite stressful. Not as stressful as you kids having a shit in all of those fancy balls. Well, this is true. And also very much a first world problem. Oh, but I have got a tip. Cool. When you go on holiday, if they've got a better room...

Don't book it before you get there. I recently went on holiday and I have a toddler. Is he a toddler still? Three? Kind of. No. Kind of. And a baby. Preschooler. Preschooler is what we call them. They put us on the second floor. Right. And I'm like, at one point I was coming back from one of the pools and I was like, I had to get the baby, the three-year-old, whatever we call those at that age. Just call him Kit because that's his name. Buggy.

swimming paraphernalia and I was like and I had to keep going up and down and up and down and up and down and I was like this is just not this is this is not the family holiday that I had in mind so went to reception they were like

we don't have any ground floor rooms and I was like look I'm willing to pay a little bit more money so like well we do have a swim up room and I was like a swim up room didn't know you had them come on how much and I'm thinking this is going to be like a few thousand pounds we can't afford 20 euros a day oh winner winner chicken dinner chicken dinner just dip your kid in and let them have a shit absolutely i was like we're not moving yeah so there we go don't upgrade before you go

Wait till you get there. There we go. Lucy with the fringe travel tip of the day.

There concludes another episode of the Tired and Tested podcast. Lucy and I both survived hosting today from the murder mystery headquarters of the UK. Nobody got their heads caved in by a candlestick. It's always a good day at the office, isn't it? If you have enjoyed our podcast... us for could you do us a little bit of a cheeky favour and give it a little rating if you didn't like it please don't bother we don't care about your feedback unless it's great okay

Just saying, just saying. And also, if you have any parenting tales or fails that you want to send in, please, please, please keep them coming. You can send them in to TiredAndTested at ACAS.com. And we have a little sneaky something extra coming for you guys. So keep your eyes and your ears peeled. It might be London.

with you on monday hit the jingle it's the tired and tested podcast enjoy the safe play zone over half an hour of laughs and the occasional little moan normal life and all this drive is what we like to speak things like saggy boobs and hangovers that last a freaking week From perky tits to kill and it's a snack bitch when I'm dead. I'm realising that parenting is just living in bumworm dread. Happy listening to the podcast.