Hello , beautiful , welcome to today's conversation where we're going to talk about building healthy boundaries . When you are a mother , spouse or working , this can be the toughest thing to do , but it is necessary to protect your mental peace . Let's talk about it . I am your host , Shannon Martin , and welcome to today's episode of this thing called Wellness .
I was never one to set boundaries , remember . I'm a reformed people pleaser , aka supermom here . Right , I just didn't know how to not be there for someone , especially my family . I always picked up when someone called . If I was needed , I did my best to help out . I planned events , trips , you name it . Your girl did it and I enjoyed it .
I truly did , until I didn't . When I began to notice that something wasn't quite right with me , I went to my doctor and told them what was going on with me , and it was always explained away .
The pain I was feeling in my right shoulder was because my purse was too heavy and I needed to switch arms or take things out , or we just don't see anything wrong . If there is a shirt with the phrase you are the healthiest sick person we have ever seen , I need it , because I heard this so often . I should have made one .
I knew it was something , but I just couldn't put my finger on it . I was off . I was beginning to have foggy brain days where I began to forget things . I began to shut people out . Can you believe it , Mrs . Bring it to me and I'll fix it . Was shutting people out . I was beginning to shut down , close my door and just shut off .
I didn't want to be bothered . I didn't want to hear any noise or fix anything . I was slowly disconnecting from my life . When I say disconnect , I mean I made a total 360 degree difference in who I was . My children always had access to their mom . If they called , I always picked up . I wanted them to know that I would always be there if they needed me .
The same was true of my mother before she passed and of my brother . I was here to listen to , chat or whatever they needed . Once my depression set in , I disconnected and I didn't understand why . Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me , simultaneously, Prentiss Hemphill . During therapy , I learned about setting boundaries .
At first I thought it was a curse word , bounding what the heck is that about ? But what I learned was that by shutting my door and disconnecting . I was setting boundaries . There are all kinds of books and articles about how to set boundaries , but I hadn't read any of them . I didn't talk to my family about it . I didn't warn them that it was coming .
I simply closed the door . If it wasn't serious , I told my kids to call their dad . This is basically it . You just have to close the door to what is draining you . I learned that no really is a whole sentence . Who knew ? And it's okay to not be there for everyone all the time .
I learned that it was okay to not answer the phone when the kids' or mom called . They would figure it out . If it wasn't serious , they'd call again , leave a message or again call your dad . At first it was really hard for some family members to understand that I was setting these boundaries for myself and that I wouldn't be available all the time anymore .
They just weren't understanding why . I had to stop explaining and just show them that this is how it had to be for me to become healthy . Not having healthy boundaries was another part of my life that was chipping away at me and slowly wearing me down . Boundary setting helps you prioritize your needs over other people's wants . Lauren Kenson .
When I began to set boundaries , the resistance was causing more anxiety and became a side conversation , not about my getting well , but more about my becoming more depressed or having actually gone insane , because I wasn't the same person I used to be . I was told that I acted as if I didn't care about them anymore or I was being rude .
Because I wasn't readily available like I used to be and because I was so used to pleasing others , it was tearing me apart . This caused more harm and struggle than I expected and unfortunately caused another breakdown and a brief stay at the hospital . I realized again that I had to choose me . I had to choose my mental state , my mental peace .
I was again the one who was suffering from being pulled in many directions and pleasing everyone else , thinking I was pleasing myself , when I wasn't . I was broken and I couldn't see that . In the process , I was diagnosed with more issues that I didn't even know existed . Now , years later , I can see that my breakdown was inevitable .
The signs were written on the wall . I was taking on way too much responsibility and not setting boundaries and taking time out for myself , not saying no and not putting me first . I was pouring from an empty cup . Now I am not as quick to answer the phone as before .
I have that bad boy silent and have bedtime settings on for no interruptions after a set time . When asked to do something , I'm not afraid to say no . I now check in with myself before signing up for anything , whether professionally or personally . I am now at a place where I am completely honest with myself .
I am asking the hard questions and digging deep , and if I'm not checking enough boxes that this is what I need right now or will help me in the long run , I won't put my full attention into it . Nowadays I am more intentional . I am learning to do things that make me happy , things that I would enjoy , without apologizing for it or explaining myself .
If that means I want to sleep in , do absolutely nothing but binge watch and moving on Netflix . Then that's what's making me happy today , mindful moment . I remember watching an animation movie with my kids called the Empress New Groove , and Krunk always kept saying that Yzma has a wall there . That's pretty much where I am today .
It took some time for me to set these are my boundaries , telling myself and others that this is what I'm okay with and what I'm not okay with you should let people know how you feel and where you stand and begin to implement new boundaries to protect your safe spaces .
Now a problem may arise and it probably will , like mine where family or friends don't care about your new boundaries or that you're protecting your mental peace and will try to manipulate you and make you feel guilty to get what they want , and sometimes you have to just close the door To let them know you mean business .
This is the new me , and I am setting new rules about how you will treat me and how I respond , but this has to be done consistently , completely carving out time for you . Ask yourself is this interfering with my mental peace ? If so , draw your line in the sand , stick to your guns and take it one boundary at a time .
I hope you have enjoyed this week's conversation . I'm your host , shannon Martin . Join us next Wednesday when we talk about preventing emotional exhaustion . If you enjoyed today's episode , please share with someone you think would like to join the conversation . Disclaimer I am not a licensed mental health professional .
The information provided here is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health advice , diagnosis or treatment . If you need help , please consult a qualified mental health professional .