Holiday Grief: Navigating the Empty Chair

We're back from a much-needed break . I hope you were able to catch up on some of our other episodes and were able to take some much-needed time off as well . This time I wanted to talk to you about this thing called grief , because this is the first time my family and I have experienced loss on a personal level .

We have lost loved ones and it truly meant the world to us , but losing my mother , my children's grandmother and a surrogate mother to my husband , was a big loss to us this January . This is the first holiday season . We haven't had her in our lives , but we were battling cancer .

We knew she often stayed home to make sure she stayed away from our germs , as she put it . We had to make sure we were COVID free at all times , or free from other illnesses like the flu , when we were around her , but she was always close by at her home .

We would go visit or take tests and bring her to our home to celebrate , but now we can't call her , say hello or even visit . What is helping us cope is that we visit her resting site . We change her flowers to fit the season and I let her know how much we miss her presence . I Miss my cooking partner .

I miss her reminding me of what I'm missing or asking her what was needed . What is missing from the menu ? Do I have all the sections covered ? Do we have a green vegetable ? For some reason , we always had to have one . How many meats do we have ? Do we have a starch ? The important things are they on the menu ?

Those important conversations are what I'm missing right now . I miss her stories of when she was a young girl , growing up Mississippi , in the country , on a plantation , and how my grandmother and grandfather worked all year to make the holiday special for not only our family but for others .

The stories of how my grandmother would have bowls of apples and fruits , many of assorted nuts and she always had this huge peppermint log . I don't know if you remember those that you had to take a hammer to chip away at to just get one piece off of it . Yeah , that one . I always try to find that . Sometimes I find it and sometimes I don't .

They were huge , but they were always loved . I love watched her slowly eat that large summer sausage roll with crackers and hot sauce and those horrible cream filled cherries . I don't know how she enjoyed those , but she did . It all stemmed from her childhood .

Those stories were shared with my children and we will pass them on to the next generation , not only keep her memory alive , but our oral history as well . She was our history . When someone you love becomes a memory , the memory becomes a treasure , anonymous . We now have her memories , her stories , her prayers , her dreams and wishes she had for us .

We hold them closer to us . We thought we had more time , you know , but don't we all ? While , we were battling one illness , another crept in and before we knew it she was gone . It was hard for me to grieve when I was trying to be there for my family . You see , we were a small family .

She always traveled with us and my children grew up with their grandma very present in their lives . But during this time I didn't know how to be there for all of us . So I took a step back and allowed them to grieve in their way . I told my children I was here if they needed me or if they needed to talk , and I gave them their space .

As we get closer to the holidays , we all came to the same conclusion we would spend time together . The way mom and grandma would want us to . Family was everything to her as it is to us . As the season got closer , we did enjoy the company of friends , but later we had dinner together and we had a day where we just played games , laughed and talked .

Now the important holiday that she loved the most is Christmas . It's coming up and we're still navigating this one . So Thanksgiving we put the tree up and played our Motown Christmas music . The first song up is Always Silent Night by the Temptations .

We know it's that time of year and it reminded us further of the empty chair that will be missed at the Christmas table . Thanksgiving was a day of thanks but Christmas was the Lord's Day , and it meant everything to her and she spread that love of the holiday onto us and we were beginning to feel it .

I'll be seeing you in all the old , familiar places that this heart of mine embraces all day through . Billie Holiday . I don't remember much of what I said on the day we laid her to rest . My brother reminds me of something I said , and I don't remember it yet , but I'm working on it .

I've had my moment where I let it all out and I allow myself to feel the loss , but some things are still a blur to me . No matter how fresh or how seasoned the loss is , the chair is still empty and the loss still aches . The way I am mulling through this is by allowing myself to feel all the anger and pain or the sadness that comes to me .

I have been finding that the memories that I thought I had forgotten are just flooding in with such love and clarity that I cry with such a feeling of such warmth . I prayed and I asked God to not let me remember her last days , but let me remember her how she lived , how she loved us and the holidays .

Let me remember how we laughed and ate great food , remember how we cooked many late nights and told stories , and I listened to them over and over again as she told them .

Let me remember how she smiled as she remembered her mother and father , and now I know she too had empty chairs at her table , and I like to think that we filled them as best we could and made her happy .

She filled us with such love and support , and tradition and I see my children come home and value those traditions makes the holidays season such a joyous occasion . As you make your way through this season , try to remember those great times and I'm praying . There are many the stories of family and times you were all together .

Look at pictures to remember the times when your loved one smiled and wasn't ill . Talk about them when you're ready and embrace your feelings . Let it out . I am one to pack my emotions down , so I had to talk to myself and give myself permission to let it out .

It's okay to cry , mama , and if you need to rest after then rest , but get back up , make your meal and celebrate with your grown babies . Play games , watch movies and enjoy the time you have with them while remembering your loved one .

Create those special memories with your children and your family so that they have beautiful memories and stories to share and pass on that will make them smile and laugh as they remember you . Mindful Moment , the holiday season is a challenging time of the year .

I used to listen to the radio while my mother and I cooked our holiday meals and one song comes up all the time . It's called "What Does a Lonely Do at Christmas . By the Emotions .

Now , I know it's a love song , but we always should talk about how blessed we were to have each other and to have family , a place to stay , food to eat , friends to call and just being healthy . Now look at that song a bit differently .

What do you do at this time when you have lost a loved one ? What do you do when there is an empty chair ? What you do is you remember them . You keep them alive in your heart . You keep the traditions going , share your oral history and allow yourself to grieve them . I Keep hearing that . The heartache will get easier with time .

You will always miss your mother , but one day it won't hurt as much and you will smile you when you think of her and not cry as much . My cousin said something I will never forget . He said you are your mother , She is you ! Now when I look in the mirror .

I know that she left me with something special Bits and pieces of her and I will treasure that always . I hope you have enjoyed this week's conversation . I am your host , Shannon Martin . Join us next Wednesday when we talk about Holiday self-care , navigating the season with intention . If you enjoy today's conversation , please share , leave a review on Apple .

Disclaimer I am not a licensed mental health professional . The information provided here is for general informational purpose only . It should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health advice , diagnosis or treatment . If you need help , please consult a qualified mental health professional .