#580 - David Spade

Right here we've got some new, new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on July the 9th. Rochester, New York on July the 10th, and Detroit, Michigan. on July 11th and 12th at the Fox Theater as well. We have shows upcoming in Miami, Cedar Rapids, St. Paul, Fargo, Rapid City. Winnipeg, and Calgary. You can get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.

Thank you so much for the support. Today's guest is a legendary comedian and actor. He's probably my closest friend in Hollywood. I'll say that. Or out of that area. And I just feel blessed to know him. He's got a new special, Dan the Lion, streaming now on Prime Video. You know his classic movies, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Joe Dirt. This guy's got a big heart. I'll tell you that. And one of the biggest senses of humor that exists. I'm happy to welcome back today's guest, Mr. David.

Alright, we're ready? We're ready?

Waiting, waiting. It's a fucking waiting game. Waiting for Gal Gadot. Have you seen that movie? That play? Waiting for Gal Gadot. Yeah, I like Gal Gadot. Waiting for Gal Gadot. It's like a new... It's a female take on... No, it's not. Waiting on Gal Gadot. No, I would wait on her. No, it's a... Waiting on Gadot, that one. It's a book that her assistant wrote.

There's one called Waiting on... Is that true? That's a good one. I don't know if it is. You know, it's a good one, Waiting on... Sorry, Waiting on... That's what Rachel Zegler. Oh, Waiting on... That's what the head of Disney wrote. That book. I'm waiting on Rachel Zegler. Dude, well, what happened? They didn't put... What happened with that whole thing? They didn't put little people in it, right, first? Is that what happened? Oh, in Snow White? Yeah. Snow White, I think the problem was...

I don't think there's any problem with casting her. Gal Gadot is gorgeous. She's a good Wicked Queen. I think they started with the dwarves. They made them, I don't know what happened. Dwarfs should, I think the idea was they should work. Right, little people should have the ability. There's seven jobs out of the ten a year. So let's give them these seven. And then I would leave it up to them. Do you guys want to work? I sound like it's so horrible with you guys. I mean, listen

There's a lot that work. People say Peter Dinklage, but they can't name 10 more that are... That work a lot. So, hell, leave it up to them. Well, yeah, well, I think they also, I think it got pretty DEI here, too, which is fine, but it's like, if they were white, like... Is the first one, is that, that's not, these are the origins. Dave Grawl.

Is that his first guy? Yeah. I mean, I think his wife left him. He hasn't been doing well. He's standing. Oh, yeah. His wife kicked him out. And first of all, that's Friar Tuck, who they obviously just repurposed from Robin Hood. So that's not cool. Oh, right. And so they just, this is their new version. It's the exact. And who is that? That's like 49ers quarterback. Yeah.

Throza Parks, that guy, what's his name? Then J.J. Walker is closer to the back. David, can you pull your mic up closer? Closer than this? Yes, please. That's what guys say when they put their wiener in my face. Can I go a little closer? I go, why? What are we doing? This isn't a blowjob. They go, no, no, no. Just try to touch the back of your throat with it. I go, but that sounds like it's heading towards a beach. Yeah, yeah. Oh, is he talking about Kaepernick?

Yeah, there's your boy right there. And who's the last guy at the end of the line? That is, um... That guy? No. That's Skrull. Yeah, that's Skrull. There's a guy in the back. Yeah, the guy in the back. That's a woman. No, that isn't. It could be. That guy's just a homeless dude that walked on his set, and they're just like, temporary labor. They really got F'd on Snow White, though. That is, it did not work in any way, shape, or form. It's not cool, and I guess people didn't like it.

Then Minecraft came along and beat the fucking shit out of it. Well, so Snow White, it should be about the fentanyl problem, huh? I think China White was. I was around for China White when I was a kid. I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffy-jiffy, I heard. It is fun. There are negatives, but we always start with the positives, especially about that. If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a busboy, I would have... Definitely gone crazy. I could not, thank God.

I could do a quarter gram in a week, and then I could only afford $25. That was it. Even that wasn't money well spent. But don't get all excited. You're going to get a boner. It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun. It was hard.

I just watch and you go, no way to have a career. There's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you got to do. And people like to rat you out and people like to say, this guy, you know, little power flower now and then so if they start getting that word out there I luckily never got that word I didn't do any of the whole SNL and that's the funniest part is that I did dabble a little bit before that

Just because I was in fucking showbiz. And you're from Arizona. You're from Scottsdale. Yeah. It's not stale, yeah. Well, it doesn't mean... It wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world, but, you know, I was in the comedy biz, and a couple guys had it, and I was like, fucking... I would partake just for fun.

Obviously. Oh, yeah, brother. But one time I did a lot and I was like, I feel like I should go to the hospital. You know? And then you'll walk over there. That's the craziest is. No, I fucking sprinted. No, because the funny thing is you just turn into JonBenet. One bump, and I'm like, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, and I'm feeling great. And then I made my friend drive me. And I got there and he's like, and it was freezing and I was shaking and tight.

And he goes, you got to go in there. And he goes, but they're going to ask. Because they didn't stand up for about a year. Right. And they go, they're going to ask. They're going to have to call the police. I go, no, no, no. Extra scared. And he cranks the heater on in the car and I'm starting to fucking sweat. But this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours ago.

I'll let you go in there in a second, but just tell me more. And I was calming down. This was the trick. I didn't know this. And my heart was going from like 3,000 over 2,000 until I started to get back to normal. And then it got light out. And then I go, so gross and then I go I'll never do it again Four days later. Hey, dude. I'm fucking jinking. What a great guy. And they make me jump. Oh, yeah.

Jovenay, brother. Dude, it's funny. Beautiful. In those days, first of all, because it reminded me of my old car because this place is out in the middle of nowhere next to some junkyard. where we're shooting. This is a nice area. It's a nice area if you have no money.

I used to go to this junkyard and go to pick a part. You know what that is? They have all the cars out there. And you go looking for what you do. And you get a part for your own car. No one thinks this ultra pussy did that. I'd go out there when they got him a socket wrench. Looking for a Subaru brat handling. You know, they go, go out there. And that's how all that Joe Dirt stuff started, because I'm like, I did that, get an alternator, put it in my Volvo, put it in wrong.

and just live that gross life, and it's 110 degrees out there, and you're burning your hands. I remember my old Volvo was a 62, and it looked like a planter. I should have shaved the top off. Filled it with dirt. And I would take If I ever had a day, which is rare, it was leaking a quart of oil a day. So for those of you at home that don't know, that's a lot. And I had to buy a quart, I mean like a box of Pennzoil and then

Every day at some point I had to put a cord in. And if you ever had a date, it was so embarrassing because at some point I had to have them put a cord in, you know. And I had to explain how to do it. And I had to sit in the front seat and go, no, you got to poke the hole. And then you got to poke on the other side. Well, that was like the original Viagra, I think, was like.

you'd have to pull your car and put a quart of oil in it, you know? But the rev of the engine would keep everybody possible. It would keep you sexually possible, you know? But then, now it's like they're just You have people literally drinking oil and blue chews or whatever. It's like it's all on the responsibility of man. I think there's a new problem where it's like... I don't want this guy screaming at me. The microphone is too far away from my mug. So there's a new problem with...

with a lot of people on medication. And when I grew up, I don't think anyone was. Now, did we have autism? Did we have ADD? People thought you were weird. That's all. Or just different. And then now... people on uppers downers so there's that and some boners go away that's what i'm hearing so that's why blue chew and boner pills are are everywhere and uh and they're for younger people not just

People. Oh, you'll see you can't even get a kid's diaper off because he's all winged up. He's rotted up. Yeah. Rock art. Winged up is that one? I mean, I don't know what these fucking sundial in there. I'm like, no picture? No picture for that? I was like, you'll go to the dad, you'll be like that. Yeah, good job, dude. But nothing crazy. And they're not big. It's nothing you can keep a spare key on or anything.

You're going to hang your coat. No, no, I know. Baby boners are really... I feel like when I go to the gas station and they always have like... Those sort of fake ones right there. Oh, yeah, like rhinoceros. Yeah. Two billion, huh? Impulse buy, and I go... I don't know. I'm getting my stuff. Here's my pretzels. They're like, hey, a rod for the road? I'm like, why not? I'm going to Irvine. It's a long drive. Who wants a boner to drive around? Anyway.

I don't know if that's what they're for. Yeah, I don't get them. I don't get a lot of man-made boners or whatever they're called anymore. I get mine. Yeah, there's some power of sin. uh vicious pussy serpent extreme rod yeah actually this is kind of merged with like um the fireworks circuit i think these things and fireworks are so close to being

just compatible yeah dude i heard a story that you that we had we just had a bus driver when we were doing touring for stand up yeah and he Either he or his brother had driven you, and one time you stopped at a firework stand and went in and did your Joe Dirt bit. Is that true? Well, I think we had the same driver because I think he texted me and said, I got Theo now.

But I don't do a lot of bus tours, and we were, I think in Kentucky, it was perfecto for Joe Dirt. And so, so many people were saying, were knowing me from Joe Dirt, that I said, fuck, there are fireworks stands here. Like, there were in Arizona when I... grew up and so I said, let's find one and pull over. I just want to go in and see what they have. See the news?

You got the good stuff? I did ask them. They got the good stuff. So the funny part was we went in and it was sort of an older woman and two young guys. And they knew me right away, but I did have a hat on in shades, but they knew it right away. And then they took me around and showed me all their ones. The Godfather. This one.

You know, it's basically just, basically, you get to a point where what North Korea has. It's really, it gets very extreme. We, when I grew up, black cats, the basics, M80s, Roman Candles were a hit. Yeah. And then Whistling Pussy Chasers. That's what we called them in the movie. Then we had to switch it to Kitty Chaser. Oh, really? Is that true? Oh, yeah. Whistling Bungle. Yeah. Yeah, me and Fred Wolf just made these up.

Some sound real. And Whisker Biscuits, those honky lighters are for sure. Yeah, Cherry Bombs is real. Kicking whistling bong holes is fake. But we had quarter sticks, M80s. We'd go to Mexico and get... quarter sticks and half sticks of dynamite. Really? No supervision at all. Yeah, when they have real dynamite, that's not fireworks anymore. No, it gets in a different area. Yeah, like you should join a labor union. They're like, oh, they open your trunk, they go...

I go, I've got fireworks. They're like, this is an AR-15. I go, I know, fire comes out the front. It's... It's very murky, what you can describe as fireworks these days. Yeah, we had, I'm trying to think, the craziest where fire don't work, it's like the ones where you'd light them and it would just come out the other side.

or you would light them, and then your stepdad would call your mom a whore and just drive off. You're like, how is this even connected? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like, oh, is this a...

Fireworks and Coachella misfires and hits area near crowd of people and sets tree on fire. Oh, I think this was part of MGK's outfit. Look at that shit. Dude, how bad did you fucking miss? You're just aiming for the air. They should make the fireworks when you light them and they only hit a pedophile when they take off.

Pedophile chasers. Yeah, and it's lighting up in D.C. This looks like the inside of the Minecraft movie when they bring the chicken jockey out. Have you seen that? People light fireworks in there now. There's a part of the movie.

that something happens, everyone used to throw popcorn at the screen, and now they've gone, now they get in fights, and they light off firecrackers, and it goes bananas, so they have to stop the movie now. Is it like, kind of like Rocky Horror Picture Show? A little bit worse, because They were contained. Okay, something's going to go wrong. Is this Terry? This is like... Just back it up, Terry. Let's see it. Are we allowed to show this? There's the darker side of fireworks here. Yeah.

I don't know if this is the guy that should be lighting him and running. He should sort of be kicking back about 100 feet away. Yeah, this is crazy, dude. These guys do not look like professionals for sure. They don't know where to light it. This is guys. Make a wish foundation. I want to light fireworks. Get out of there Terry. No one helps him. Help him. I want it. What are you doing, Terry? Help fucking Terry. He's blinded. He can't see the goddamn control panel. God.

It's so funny. I cannot stand to watch people that just film things and never get involved. They laugh their fucking ass off no matter what. Did you see the guy who fell in the water the other day? No. uh bring up that guy who they paid they they earned him like three or four hundred dollars to get into the water of like a flash flood basically yeah i'm sure he's dead it was a beautiful young man i don't know how he's doing um

See if you can find that. Yeah, while we're doing that. The craziest was like, the saddest was we had a guy by us, a dad, and he was like... Just like barely a day. He was like kind of like a whimsical kind of dad. Like wish he'd never probably been married to a, and I'm going to say this fast, I don't sound like sexist or anything, woman, you know?

and he would only get his kids smoke bombs, so they would light like a million smoke bombs. I like smoke bombs. But they're cool, but they would have nothing, and they would do so many. It would look like that Indian holiday or whatever, you know, the one where like, Suddenly you see this bunch of Indian people crossing the street who look like they got attacked by like an Easter. Right. Like an Easter chalkboard or something, you know? Like they clap the...

Yeah, it's like somebody just emptied. Or LeBron at the Laker game. It was like that. Yeah, like it was Easter Sunday and LeBron was just firing off right in front of him. Smoke bombs aren't as fun as they sound. You need more shit going on. Is this it? Oh yeah, there's firecrafts in the Minecraft, see? In the movie theater? Look at how my fucking story checks out. Yeah.

Oh my god. And who did this? Israel? Yeah, this is Gaza. This is crazy. Like we say Gaza, we laugh. So fucking uncool. It's a comedy show. Sometimes you got a you know what a police officer told me one time he said that they'll have both open a place with a bunch of murders and you'll see police officers stand outside laughing because it's a thing that happens to people when stuff's painful. Yeah, it's so serious. He says they do it. Well, that's what comedians do.

too heavy duty dude well the reason we brought you here is because you have a comedy special coming out man oh yeah that's right first of all thank you for coming dude no of course you look great i love seeing you thank you dude you've been drinking tomato juice or something

Remember when V8 was the only healthy thing? I don't think there's one tomato in V8. I don't know what's in it. They were like, this is a fucking shit when you were growing up. Oh, dude, yeah. And rich guys would pour it in their engine or whatever as well. And some people were pouring their butt. Yes, I'm like, really rich guys were pouring their butt. I'd be, and it was, it was, never, I never liked it.

It was tomato juice and I think vegetable juice. Who drank it? I think a mom would drink it if they were healthy or they were trying to make a baby or whatever. It didn't get around my squad, but I know that I heard about it and I was grossed out by it.

You know what's funny is I was just in Las Vegas. Oh, you know, we went to a fight. I was going to tell you this. We went to a UFC fight, right? Theo and I went to a fight about a year or so ago. You know when I called you to go to this fight? I thought it was in Vegas, and it was in Florida. And then you had a gig that night anyway. You, me, and also your... Jody. Jody. And also...

The comedian, famous comedian. Oh, Dennis. And Dennis Miller all the time. So do you remember this story? Did I already tell you this? You know it, obviously. So this time, I just did a corporate yesterday in Vegas. So I'm staying at the area.

aria short for named after ariana grande i don't know and um so i'm over there and it's connected to the hotel we were at yeah and the day we went to the show the uh you like to go early to the fire as you know because you go help set up the chairs and armor all the ropes and uh you go because the fight started like fucking one i'm like we just landed and you're like you want to go there you want to go to the hotel first i'm like well i think it's at seven

And you're like, and you're being so nice going, oh, you want to go, you want to wait till seven? And I'm like, yeah, because that's the good one star. They're on TV and it's still three hours. And for Spade to sit for three hours is fucking rough with these brittle fucking bones. So you're like, cool, cool. And I didn't know that you wanted to go really bad earlier. So we're eating and I'm like, this spaghetti is good. You're like, let's fucking go. So I have a car taking us. It's like a black.

Suburban, right? Yeah, nice AC in it. We go out front. He's not there. And it's so weird because they always get there early. And you're like, well, we got to go. It's quarter to seven, and we got to be there at seven. And we're next to the arena. And I'm like, fuck, where's this guy? And then he hits me up and goes, hey, dude, you go, let's get an Uber. And I go, well, give him a second. And then I go, he goes, oh, I spaced.

I'm sending another card. It'll be there in a second. I go, we're in a hurry. He goes, it's very close. And I see you're joking. First, I've seen you kind of get mad. Yeah. Because I was getting mad, too. Because I'm like, fuck, where is this guy? And plus, we're stressed. The suburban pulls up. We jump in.

And the guy goes, okay, where are you going to? And he goes, you two? And you're like, yeah. And I'm like, hmm. And then I go, this is my driver. And then I look down and we start. It was International Fight Week. Yeah, it was. This is good. This is how he sounds. This actually sounds like him. It's not nothing bad. Fair.

So then the driver texts me and goes, hey, did you just pull out? I just saw you. And I go, wait, is this not the car? And I go, Theo, what is this? And he goes, I called an Uber, dude. It's taking too long. And I go, okay. So we go. And now I go, and the funny part was I go, hey, dude, all right, if you're going to this T-Mobile, we got to go in the loading dock. That's where we have to get our tickets and enter. And he goes,

Oh no, that's only for VIP special. Yeah, and I go, right. And then he goes, you want VIP special? Yeah, and we go, no. And he goes, oh, you have to be special. And I go, oh, we're special. And he goes, no, no, that's for special people. And I'm like, I get it. And then Theo goes, no, he's special. He does movies and stuff. And he looks back and he goes,

No, he no special. Why do you know I'm no special, you fuck? So he wouldn't take us. So then you just go, let's just get out. So we just got out in the street and we saw a door. And then they go, Oh, wrong door. Yeah, you got to go to lighting. This is for animals and lighting. For all of Noah's Ark's animals. And so they go, so we're trying to get a hold of everyone. And they go, you're not at the special door. I know, this fucking guy wouldn't believe it. So,

We had to find a way to get either all the way to the other side or cut through. They finally sent someone to get us. But it was quite humiliating that the guy didn't believe for a second we were special. Not at all. I even showed him a video of yours from one of your movies, and he laughed. That's funny. And he's like, oh, I kind of look like him, but not him. UFC 315 will be on the TV. The snacks and the beverages will be ready to go.

The best way to make that one-two combo even better is by trying to win some real cash with Pick 6 from DraftKings, the official daily fantasy sports partner of UFC. With DraftKings Pick 6. Playing for cash is as easy as stepping into an octagon. Pick six is available in most states, including Missouri, California, Texas, Georgia, and more. Some of my picks for UFC 315. I'm going to go with Mike Malott. And they're putting a 31.5 significant strike.

I'm going to go more than that. That's something that I'm riding on. As well, they got Bilal, Bully B. Muhammad out there. against Jack Della Modellina. You can make your picks here with DraftKings. Pick six. Don't settle for a smaller payout. Switch to pick six and cash in your UFC knowledge. Play $5, get $50 in bonus picks instantly on your first entry. Pick six from DraftKings is the most fun way to play fantasy sport.

Download the DraftKings Pick 6 app now and use code THEO. That's code T-H-E-O for new customers to pay $5, get $50 in bonus picks. Better payouts, bigger wins. Only with pick six from DraftKings. The crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-

789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 and over. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick six not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable. Pick six.

Pick six credits that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. Yeah, recently I was paying for something. Butcher bargain or I don't know what it was. Something. Just a monthly meat deal.

Where they sending you meat. And I didn't know I was still paying for it. And it was at my old address. So somebody over there is just eating my bacon. Somebody over there is just slurping up on my sirloin cuts that I was paying for. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions. That's amazing. Saving members up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Wow. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download the Rocket Money app and enter our show name this past weekend with Theo Vaughn in the survey so they know I sent you.

Don't wait. Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from our show. I want to let you know there's a growing expense eating into your company's profits. It's your cloud computing bill.

You may have gotten a deal to start, but now the spend is sky high and increasing every year. What if you could cut your cloud bill in half and improve performance at the same time? Well, if you act by May 31st, Oracle Cloud Infrastructure can help you do just that. OCI is the next generation cloud designed for every workload where you can run any application, including any AI projects, faster and more securely for less.

In fact, Oracle has a special promotion where you can cut your cloud bill in half when you switch to OCI. The savings are real. On average, OCI costs 50% less for compute, 70% less for storage, and 80% less for networking. Join Modal, Skydance Animation, and today's innovative AI tech companies who upgraded to OCI. Oracle Cloud Infrastructure and Saved. Offer only for U.S. customers with a minimum financial commitment.

See if you qualify for half off at oracle.com slash T-H-E-O. That's oracle.com slash Theo. You know what's funny is I wish we could show that little clip that you have of the movie. We could if we want. I don't think we can because...

Can we air it because of the music or not? I don't know. Oh, that's a good point, huh? You know, I don't know. Ask those fucking clowns in there. Do they take off? We can show it on silent if we want. No, it's good with a song. Anyway, that's all.

Because you show that clip in your show. Yeah, we showed it during the halftime or towards the end of the show. Yeah, my friend was in Tallahassee. They hit me up. They go, oh my God, this fucking clip just played. It's great. Did they really? They're excited. Oh, that's awesome. They're at your show. It's cool. It's been well received by people. Just people getting to see that.

It's a good little window into it. See the trailer for Busboys? Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think. What do you think's the toughest part now having, like, kind of put a movie together from the beginning? What do you think is kind of one of the toughest parts? Fuck. I mean, it's all... It's tough all the way along the way because

We're just doing it alone. Usually we work for a boss, Paramount, Sony, Netflix. They tell us what to do, and we're on our own, but we also know there's someone else calling some shots, the bigger shots. budgetary things, this and that, casting we have to agree on. So I rarely, I've never gone into it like this where it's just me and you. And that's good. There's some tough part about it, but it's overall the best because

We put it up. We're going in. It's such a complicated process. It's almost too much. because usually there's someone that covers this and you can kind of oversee it. but to get into everything about pre-production and budget and casting and locations and all the union stuff we got to know. That's where it gets hard. And now we've gotten to the hard part. We got it. We shot it through the fires, through all the stuff.

Very tough. Very tough to get through a movie. There were so many things that were tough. I always say after a movie, I'm not doing this again. It's too hard, and everyone thinks I'm a huge pussy, but it's mentally tough. It's hard. You've got to memorize stuff. You're driving all day. getting out there dark and it's such a luxury to do a movie that

You can't complain to anyone. I can complain to you. But we're in it together, so we get it. And you can tell other people in movies, but regular people go, You know, they actually bust their ass. Right. So we're like pretending to be people that work hard. That's us in a movie.

So we're boss boys. So anyway, yeah, they give you just long enough to polish the gun that you have in your trailer. And then before you can use it on yourself. Yeah. Like, Hey, we need you back on. Yeah. It's always like, where are they? I'm walking with number two. Everybody's number one.

I'd go for a walk. They'd just follow me. You walk around the trailer and you're like, and you're always miked and you're always it's all you know and it's freezing i thought it'd be too hot it's freezing so anyway we finish it and now it's rough-cutted and now The hard part is just getting it to a point where we think it's good and you're not wasting jokes. Yeah. Like a lot of things we did had like, Theo was very good on the set. We're actually good together because...

I think you're great. And if we have a scene and we do it, then we just start goofing around like a couple before we leave, get a few extra jokes. So which one of those do we use? It's very hard. This is funny for one reason. This is funny for another. And the rest of your life, people will remember one joke and they'll never see the other three. And you go, fuck, did we pick the right one for that?

for someone who's indecisive like me, and you are kind of too, that it's hard to do. And then you just got to pick one, lock it down, and then we'll probably, I think our next step will show it to like 20, 30 people. Because you really get a feel.

for where there's a dead spot, where there's something that works. Yeah, you've got to have honest friends look at it. Yeah, and I have friends, and friends are always going to start by saying they like it, but I haven't had fucking one person look at it yet. I'm too scared. The director of all these movies, Pete Siegel, who's a great guy, he came by the set one day and he did Anger Management.

The Longest Yard and 50 First Dates and Tommy Boy and all these movies. So he, I said, I might have you take a look at it because I just want you as an observer, objectively, where are we with this?

And that's the only guy. But I do want at some point when you... get your fixes in and we get we get something we kind of like and then we show it yeah and then that'll tell us a lot we'll be like oh my god this is way funnier than we thought they're laughing at this stuff instead of that laugh i didn't see that coming like a cutaway And then they go, oh, this feels flat. And some people might be confused. At the end, we go, where did you understand what this is? People are like,

were you guys playing fucking busboys? We're like, oh, boy, we're way off. Okay. And you didn't get that part? Because, you know, people don't know. They just watch it. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's the scariest part, I feel like, is trying to just, like,

C, before you show it, somebody is like, is what I think makes sense here, makes sense to other people. Right, because we know it. We're too close to it. Yeah, I think it gets weird. Even jokes where people go... see one clip and they go oh that's great I go oh it is because I've seen it 10 times I don't know what's funny anymore yeah you know so it does take objectively but it's so fucking stressful

What do you feel like was one of the funnest days that we had? That's a good question. It's funny because every day has an underlying stress level of knowing your lines, getting things done, losing the light. We got to get this. Is it right? Do we know what we're doing? Is it set up, blocking, all that shit? But I'm giving long answers that are boring. I thought it was fun.

When we were in the lair with the drugs, that was kind of fun because there's a lot of people. When there's a lot of people, it's fun. Yeah, when there's a lot of people, it's fun. We kept having to go up and down that ladder, like ninja turtles. That was in a condemned building. I go, I guarantee you they should shut this down. Yeah, there was like asbestos art on the walls and everything. We had to write asbestos into the script because there was so much. It was like co-starring.

And yeah, there was, we were underneath like a Sears building in downtown. And I remember the alarm went off for that. Oh, yeah. The old heater went off in there, and it just like... I think it was an old nuclear reactor or something, or it was an Amber Alert. It made McMuffins. I know that. Yeah. I go, oh, it's lunch. they cleared us all out we shouldn't even tell them this but anyway I like that we're on the desert a lot

It was kind of fun being out. And then we were in there doing busboy shit with Tim Dillon. I thought it was funny. Oh, yeah, he's fun. Yeah, that was great. Just getting to see him. He has a new special that just came out, too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's great. You have a comedy special.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Can you guys hear him okay? Sorry. Yeah, it's great. Okay. David, could you put the mic behind you now? Would that help? You have a comedy special coming out. I do. I did a... Comedy special for Amazon, and we did it in Denver. It's interesting, you know, putting together a comedy specialty on the road. And sometimes you want new stuff in there that's a little undercooked because it's new and different, and you just started doing it. And then sometimes you want to...

And then most of the stuff is polished and buff. So I did it probably an hour 20 and cut it down to just under an hour. Dang, big gun. Is this a clip or is that a photo? A little overshot. Play that clip a little. Is there a clip? Let's see if there's anything. clippable hair. Oh, this is fucking funny. I feel it already. I was eight years old. I almost got kidnapped. I'll make it funny. I came out weird.

Blonde hair. Looked like exactly Macaulay Culkin. And I was kind of tan. I was like, shorts. I mean, it was almost entrapment. I'm a bit of a dandelion. I don't know if you can tell. I look tough on TV, but these quads are deceiving. Yeah, look at that action shot. Dandelion is because I'm such a fucking puss.

And I couldn't think of a good name. Oh, no, you're great, dude. It looks great. You look very healthy. It reminds me of David Duchovny. Yeah. A little bit. And the guy from... The guy from... That guy, his partner on the TV show? Shrek? No, um... The guy's got all the kids. Tim, Tim the Toolman Taylor. That's him. You were looking for Al Borland? Al Borland. That's who I look like with that fucking shirt on.

You look like Gal Borler. Shit! That's hysterical. That was not exactly what I was going for. Yeah.

insulting insult but no he seems like a good dude i just don't actually looks better than me fuck what am i saying dude Yeah, screw him. Show him. Playgirl magazine. Look at him. He's naked from the way he's down. He's dong out. Yeah. You don't get to see that anymore. You know, like when they tell you what to wear, I mean, they don't tell you, but they go, what are you going to wear? And of course, I'm not like a...

Full girl going to the Oscars. So I go, I don't know. So it gets closer and they're like, show it so we can hold it up with a backdrop. I go, I don't give a shit, dude. So I get there and I have two outfits. Outfits is already bad enough. I just said outfits.

So I walk into the rack like Elton John. A Nordstrom Rack? No, just a rack of clothes. Oh, yeah. From Nordstrom Rack, yeah. So I go in there and I go, what about this? Then I go out there. That day, they're like, do you still not know? And I go, I don't know. And then... I wear the shirt and then I'm going to put, so I just wore a shirt and a coat that I wasn't supposed to wear. Because, you know, and they go, you need a copy of that in case

You think I'm going to ruin this between shows? And they're like, yeah. So I fell for that last time. And then Nikki Glaser goes, I have some dress from like 1930. And I go... Oh, don't you have to have a double? She goes, fuck that. I'm not going to. And I go, yeah, what am I doing? Why am I taking fucking orders? Wasting money on extra clothes, too. Yeah. And all of mine are like one of a kind. Oh, you can tell that's what they are. One of a kind flannel shirt.

that you can have in any Google search in two seconds. But it was fun to do. I'm glad it's out. It's fun. You know, some of the jokes. I still do because they're longer now. That's the funny thing is you do a joke and then it's... It's a minute of your act, and then now it's a five-minute chunk. I'm like, oh, but I did the beginning, but now it's so much longer. But I don't really care. I like a couple things I've done before because they really work, and then I put in new stuff, and then...

It's just always in rotation of I'll pull something from the old bag and then I'll have all this new shit. So whatever.

Yeah, that's kind of how I feel about it too. Is that what you do? What do you do? Yeah, it's like there's some bits I do because I know people want to hear them and there's some people's favorites and it's like, well, I want to make sure I get that in for a couple minutes if it's a big show. Because, you know, it's never like you do some bit. that work. And it doesn't work. Like if it bombed and people are like, boo, like you did that before. It's not like that.

They still work. Yeah, they want to see the new stuff too. And sometimes when I go to people, if I saw you, I'd be like, I remember the first time I saw you and stuff you were doing, I'd be like, oh, I hope he does this and this and this. Those are like my fun ones. I want to tell someone and have them watch them. And then sometimes I do that with comics and they don't do it. Because sometimes, you know, by the fifth special these people do, it's just too watered down.

It's too hard to be that good in one year. It's too hard. You don't buff them out. You need to really work on it. Dude, that's, I don't think you have to, I mean, it's like, I've known a special, I'm thinking four years now. Yeah, you don't need it. If we do it this year, it'll be four years. But also, I've been on the same tour for years, but it's like, there's so many places you can go. It's like, I don't mind going to. a town that has 30,000 people in it. You know, it's like...

You cannot do it and probably have a family and stuff like that and have pets you own or semi-owned, God owns them. As long as you have a 30,000 seat theater, then you can... Yeah, but as long as like... But if we can go over there, I think I'd rather do it. Yeah, you're printing money. Oh, David, that is not true. If I had your money, I'd throw mine away. Oh, dude, get out of here. You just bought a new car, didn't you?

You bought a car lot. Yeah, dude. I got a car. Fuck yeah. You see me buzzing around. Did you just buy the original Joder car? No. I did not. It was 330 grand. I didn't know it would be that much. Was it really? Yeah, I went to an auction. Did you even look at, were you there on the auction? No, but the guy DM'd me and he said, hey, do you want to... By the old Jojo. I was it the fucking real one because I do like cars and I don't have enough room for my life

I'm into it. I'm like, I'm not going to drive anything around. I'd like to have it just to have it. The director of Tommy Boy has a Tommy Boy car. And I'm like, those are fun to have. So I said, how much? And he goes, I'm deciding between three and five hundred grand. I go, I'm sorry, what? The fucking shitty one at the beginning of Jodor? It didn't even have a Hemi in it. It was a fake pretend. It was like an old, you know, Vega. And we just put like, yeah, this thing.

jitter 69 charger daytona it's fucking cool though is he selling it for $450? In 1969, Daytona presented here, starred in the $60 million grossing hit comedy, The Adventures of Joe Dirt. Fuck yeah. What does that say up there? $450? Can you read? Yeah, one of the funniest scenes depicted the Impound Live financially unstable to retrieve his Mint 67 Plymouth ME GTX convertible. He's buying the Charger Daytona instead. You bought it for $450 in the movie.

Oh, $450? In the movie. No, I didn't see the movie. Do we know the closing price on that? Yeah, he hit me up for $300 to $500,000 ago. Can you live in it? I was like, yeah. Is this an RV? How many square feet is it? Is it in a good neighborhood? No, I just said, I said, I think I said something to the effect of get fucked. No, I was like, hey, man.

I didn't know it would be like that. I don't know. Because, you know, in the real world, you got to make a million to clear $350. So I'm like, I don't know. I'm making a million this week. So I just said no. Even though I said I'd really like it, I'm just a little too rich for my blood right now.

because i thought what am i doing i'm just gonna park it i can't really drive it's fun to have i'd really honestly have it in my living room what a cool thing to have just walk in hey this is the car from the movie and so I didn't think he'd get close to that. It sold for $3.30. God. Yeah. To who? Probably an Asian guy? No, the guy had a Joder tattoo on his chest. Oh. And he was a full fucking fan. So he hit me up, the guy that bought it.

And so now I've talked to him. What do you guys talk about? I like these guys. We just talk about pop music. You're like, hey, go sit in and just turn it on for me. I want to hear it. No, I just go, I miss her, man. I miss her. Just put her on the phone. He's like, mail me some semen. And you're like, I don't miss her that much. No, I do that. I'll do that once. Do you think, would you guys ever have done a Tommy Boy 2? Do you think you and Farley ever would have done it?

I mean, Black Sheep was sort of the next summer, and it was sort of... the same type of movie we had we should have just kept it pete siegel and just done it again he couldn't he wasn't available it just would have kept track of like kind of how it was but i did like black sheep

We had another movie that we were talking about at the very end, and it would have been great. Yeah, I mean, would I have liked to have a run-and-gun buddy to goof around? He would have been all over the place. He would have been working with everybody. Even at that point toward the end, because he's almost more famous now because everyone looks back. But when you're in it,

and he's just getting famous, but still all the big hosts that would come in would go right to him. So he could have worked with anybody, big directors, more drama. uh he would have done a lot of stuff with adam i mean he loved adam and always thought he was great so uh sandler yeah yeah he was very tight with adam and i was just lucky to be in

A couple with him, but he would have been out there doing everything. I remember when he was in Coneheads. We all were in Coneheads. Even Adam was in Coneheads. And at Lauren, it was sort of an assignment. You know, we all, they were just like, you're going to play this. And he just had plucked everyone. There's probably 15 people messing around.

and somehow still didn't work that well, but I loved being in it, and he was in it. He had a pretty big part, and he was funny. Look at him. There he is. Oh, he looks so handsome. Did you get to keep the con from that? No, but you know what? It's it. That will barely fit up your butt. If you... She's really pretty, by the way. That was Michelle Burke. Is it?

This is after they took a photo of Farley and they take it so strong that it blows his hair back or something. Yeah, that's funny as shit. But Akron, yeah, so that was a blast. So I would say the answer is would have loved to keep doing stuff. and just have him around to hang out with. Yeah, yeah, obviously to have him be alive. But do you think that you would have been able to do a Tommy Boy change? Yes, in all these scenarios, he's alive.

You're like, it'd be great. No, if he's alive, you have to add that caveat. If you had to do Tommy Boy 2, what would the plot even have gone into, you think? Tommy Boy 2, Electric Boogaloo. You know, they're,

I was pitched a Tommy Boy 2, which was Our Kids Are Together, and Our Kids Are. But this is, I was pitched it two years ago. And I'm like, I just can't find a scenario with no Farley. It's not, they used the whole movie. Even if it has a good title, Tommy Boy's in the title, but it would be too much of a sellout. I can't imagine, I mean.

No one could do that. Were they going to do it with CJR? He was one of his brothers to do it, you think? No, it was just like, it was our kids, and it was about them, and then I was going to come help them on the road or something, but I go... Listen, there's the magic in the bottle was Chris. And so I had a good part. I had a lot of fun in it, but it was about... And so...

You know, yeah. If we did another one back then, it would have been a blast. Yeah. I wonder what it could have been about, too. Wow, it's a blast. I don't know. I never even thought that far. Break pads are so funny. There's endless jokes. I mean, that movie, that's what I always say, is that if we pitched the Tommy Boy movie just like two guys selling break pads, it's just not.

Enough to sell a movie. People wouldn't listen now? No. It's just not funny. Maybe a menstrual page you could have gone to. That's not a bad idea, yeah. That we go sell them. Stop the flow. Yeah, that's like things are getting out of hand. Maybe women's lib was getting crazy. Yeah, and then he dresses like one in a parking lot. He's like, I'll get my mama crazy. And some big woman comes and goes, let me try it out.

He's like, I've been having my period for 11 months straight. These are trailer moments. That actually would have been hilarious. More like, these are cut scenes from a possible movie, yeah.

Did you ever do a Farley impersonation or no? Who are you? He did this a lot, you know? Which is funny, you get nervous, David. Then he goes like, pulls on his hair when he's nervous. Like in the meeting with the host, he'd pull on the carpet. And everyone's just like. Even like some Michael Keaton going, is this fucking dude okay? Because they didn't really know him yet. And he was so nervous about shit. And always funny. But he would always try to make you laugh. Always.

try to do anything, fall down at work, do anything, oh, fall on the piano, just anything to get everyone to laugh because also he was taken care of, he wasn't writing sketches, so he just was, Tra-la-la around the office. There's no stress because he's going to be in 18 things. Everyone's going to write him in. That's a good point. If you write him in, that's the big trick at SNL. You've got to get someone to write for you.

And I would get mad. I'd go, you don't write for me enough. They're like, what do you do? And I'm like, you're right. You just think I'm great. And then they go, wow. There's no proof. And I'm like, yeah. So you have to kind of do a joke on the officer. It's sort of thirsty.

do an impression or something and someone goes you should do something with that and then or they go oh you can do that oh we might put you in this because we need someone like that but mostly I was like smart alecky stupid shit because That's the only thing they saw, you know. And I wrote that Hollywood Minute where I was making fun of everybody. And that kind of was a good hook for me. But it wasn't enough to be like super characters. That really wasn't.

I went with his brother to SNL. Remember that? Oh, that's right. You hit me. I think you connected. I was like... John. Yeah, John. John, yeah. Johnny Farley. And he hadn't been back, dude, since... He hadn't been back since Chris was there. Did he get you up to go there, or did I tell you guys to go, or were you just in New York? He took advantage of us, I think.

But whatever. Oh, no, I think you said to me, hey, he's going to be there. Oh, yeah, I did. So tell him hello. But he hit you up to get him in there. Can you make a call, Davey? Yeah. Don't tell Jen. Yeah, he was in the wrong mess. We put him in that. He was in Ben Schwarmers. He was funny in that. Was it fun there for you? You've never been there, right? I've never been.

yeah what was it like it was interesting to see what you were the place you guys had all been at and what kind of like photos everywhere yeah just what it was like like i think i pictured it more of like an old school type of dormitory vibe But our offices were up higher. Oh, then maybe it was up there. We'd be there all week, and then we'd just come down to the show. But you might have to host it one day. It was pretty interesting there. Would you be able to handle it?

I don't know. Depends on who the musical guest is, I guess. Is that the whole thing? Yeah. What if it's fucking...

Jelly Pop, your buddy, or whatever. Remember? Oh, yeah, Jelly Roll. Yeah, he came over to us at Koi one time and said hi. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah, I'm trying to think of one. I said, hey, the bouncer's coming over. He wants to talk to you. He walks over. Where are you? Oh, yeah. I was like, what motorcycle did this guy? Oh, did we park in front of you? He was nice, dude. He knew you from home. Yeah, him and Bunny came over. I remember that. That was cool.

Dude, that was awesome. I think he'd come out here to do Jimmy Kimmel or something. It was like one of his first times being out here. Right, right, right. And then we saw Luke Bryan at dinner. We see all your little goat roper buddies. Dude, that was fun. Yeah, he came over. That's when we used to have a good time, man. Yeah, what happened? Now we're just grinding on the movie every day going, ugh. I know, now we're just like, how do we fuck you? Tra-la-la.

Yeah, dude, that was fun, huh? I remember that. I was excited. Luke frickin' Brian, remember that? We took a picture with him. He sat down with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fun. We're like, dude, who's this comes up with you? Yeah.

He had two bites of somebody's potatoes on him. No, we have fun. We go to UFC and everyone knows. I remember before you even blew up, So many people knew you at UFC. I was like, holy shit, man. These people know this clown. I don't know about that. There we are right there. Look, my hair is quite puffy. Look how good. You look definitely like one of those rich people's dogs.

I do. For sure. Now I see why your mom has you come home a lot. She's like, I need this little cute puff right here in my lap. Look at that. My fucking sweater pops. Don't even try to argue that. Solid choice. And there's Luke. Looks like he just That does look like me. I'm a bit of a lap dog. You look like you spent time at NYU a little bit. I'll fucking gnaw on a snossage. Shit, look at you in dirt. Oh, you're dumb.

Just like, how did I even get here? What are we eating? Fucking oysters? Oh my god. Jeez, what a bunch of idiots. Somebody ordered that little, when they put those little, when that shrimp, they put them upstairs like they're about to commit suicide or whatever. That little, it's like a little.

shrimp rack or whatever yeah like the second story shrimp they hide them all on the edge of like they're trying to hide from it's like bitch we see you they're all naked though look at those fucking shrimp They charge you by the shrimps, you know. It's unreal in some place. It's $6. That is the most expensive place because I won't say the name, but...

The steak sauce was seven bucks each. You get a little thing like this of A1, and it's like dish, dish, dish, seven, seven, seven. And then the bread was 15. I had filet. I had filet with salt, right? I go, oh. You had filet of what? Dude, don't you watch fishing shots? Filet of. Soul. Soul? Can we pull it up and see if it's real? You're eating human spirit in there? No, filet of. yeah that's rich oh shocking it checks out as a fish um yeah that's what it looks like anyway it's kind of like carp

No, I don't know what it's like. So I get this and they go, do you want the catch of the day? And I know it's a rich place. I go, don't try to rap. Fuck me, dudes. I'm going to take this dog shit off the menu. It says market price, but I go, fine. I get it. It's like leather. It's kind of gross, you know. But fine, $150. I go, I have never heard about fish being $150. $150? Yeah. And you get the head and the tail, or they just give you the middle part? No, you should.

That's crazy. Could you come to my house and fucking clean my car? Yeah. Dude, that's crazy. $150? For one piece of fish? Unreal. Yeah, I would never fly in the Bible, dude. No. No. What you do is, they have the fish with their mouth, I guess. Yeah. And something like this. Oh, you're going to go to work for that 150. And the fish is like...

Fish is like, I got teeth. No, you do not. Nice try. Somebody's getting a little bit of tata sauce on the inside, brother. It's not in the Bible either. God.

You can have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. That's it. That's how it is. And starting now, Blue Chew is offering a combo so strong it'll knock your socks off. And your neighbor's socks off. Uh-oh. Everybody's barefoot. Blue Chew. Mad. has arrived, and it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts fast and last.

Guys, be ready when she needs it and get your first month of Blue Chew free. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at bluechew.com. and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of Bluetooth free when you use promo code Theo. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code T-H-E-O. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Mental health is it's our new vietnam guys really It's right in front of us every day. It's just making sure you're okay. We're locked in. We're in a unique time. I don't know if we're transitioning from humans to computers. I don't know what's going on.

But you got to take care of the mainframe that God gave you. Your brain. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent study say they have avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment. Man. Look, if I meet you, if I know you, you better be getting mental health support. You better be staying on top of your brain. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist.

from their diverse network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. We are all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Thea.

Yes. Whenever you pass away. I remember to ask questions. I always watch this thing and I'm like, I can't remember shit to talk to people about. Dude, first of all, I'm a BLM advocate. So I get a lot of my stuff. Oh, there's you on us now. Who is that? They're like, ladies and gentlemen, BLM. And they're like, oh, is that the musical group? Is that you all happy? When were you that happy? Never. Fucking shit. Is that AI? Is that Tom Brady's teeth? Oh my god.

I'll run out advertising space on those fucking chompers. Are those your team? No, they are. That's G-A-I, dude. That's horrible, bro. That's G-A-Y, yeah. The forearms are nice, though. I was about to say, your forearms look good, and they shaved you a little bit. God. Your whole body's shaved. Well, it...

It's going to be as soon as I get in shape. No, you look good there. Well, why can't you look more like AI? Well, do you think, whenever you die, where do you want your body, where do you want your ashes spread, do you think? Oh, I was just talking about this. No, I wasn't. What are you going to do with them? No, what do I do? You're kind of a trickster. No, I'm not going to do any tricks. Really? I don't want any weird stuff, yeah. I'm going to get a couple grams up.

You want a little bit? Oh, if anybody needs money, I would let them sell them, you know, for whatever. Oh, that's cool. You could sell them here, part of your merch, if you want. I could have Harper. She could take him. I don't know. It's two more, but I can't even think about this stuff. I get scared. What if they had like spade shades and we put them into some beautiful, beautiful sunglasses? Okay.

I'm pretty agreeable to everything, yeah. Or how, like, spades, shades. Yeah. Okay. And their interior shades, too, actually. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, now we're getting somewhere. Yeah. And was there a story about something? Ash's dog. I'm on shot into a fucking school yard full of children. No, you should put it in a t-shirt gun. Yeah, and take it to some bayou horseshit, you know, Louisiana rodeo. Snake rodeo. Snake rodeo, is that like an orgy?

So you're calling RG? No, was there a story about some dog that ate someone's ashes or something? Um, was there anything else? There was some of the news that happened about it, some eating ashes. We got that. Did you hear that bullshit?

Look at this. Shit. Wait. Oh, my God. It's a Rolex. Anyway. Is that real? Now the joke is like, I act like it's late. I go, oh shit, it's a Rolex. And I go like this. What time is it? Oh, wealth. Yeah. No, this is a real one, but it's the only one good thing I have. I did get robbed at my house. You shouldn't be flashing around.

Me toddler ate me ashes. UK mom walked into an unthinkable situation where she found her one-year-old consuming her father's cremated remains. And she even has a video of the mortifying situation. Aren't they? they're not good they cannot taste I don't know. I guess if you mix them with something. Oh my god. When your son eats your dad. Of course she films around. He didn't have a lot. That's the whole fucking story. Dude, he only had a little bit. He only had like the forearms. Yeah, dude.

That's nothing. That's so grody. That lady's complaining. Also, the kid is a ginger, too. Trouble. Yeah. So, some that you got to see coming, some that's on you. Also, the lady immediately sold it to TMZ. That's a great point, huh? Yeah. She probably served them up. Everything's for sale nowadays, it seems like. What other news stories we got, guys? Anything popping off? Yeah, give me some shit before Spade fucking has to bug in. Spade looks pretty cool today. Spade looks healthy today.

Is there a hair? Save it. No, you know I do. As if you weren't here. I fucking light it on fire in front of the other ones. Yeah. And I say, this is what happens when you try to fucking make a break for it. Jump ship on me, motherfucker. And then it burns and it floats down. They all go, what the fuck? And I go, yeah. Might want to stick around.

Yeah. You might want to see the final act. Yeah, because they've... It's hard to keep hair. No. No, it's ridiculous and it's fucked up. And our bodies can only hold so much hair. Tiffany, you have raging boners. What? I'm sorry. The guy, Brian Johnson, who's trying to live forever, he says that women also get...

Their version of Morning Wood. Okay, so who's Rian Johnson? Is he the guy that tries to live forever? He's trying to be really old. Is that him? I'm not sure. He also sings for ACDC. That's Rian Johnson, too. That's a different one. Rian in bed. Just like Brian Johnson did. various Oh, there he is, huh? First of all, I thought this was Matt Reif. Is that his new special? That's his new cologne. Called fucking pig blood. What is this guy injecting in his wiener this week?

I know that's the only thing. This guy takes a lot of pills straight up the wee-wee. Listen, I'm all for doing minimum. $2 million worth of surgery on my face. But just to do a light dusting and clean up, this guy's like every day. It's too much. And girls find that out. They don't want a dude that's spending their whole life to look six years younger. It's crazy. Yeah. You don't want somebody who's in there.

sandblasting their fucking clavicles in the morning. You can't even get any extra sleep. Fucking sanding their nuts. There's no wrinkles and I'm just fucking mew mew. You got your wiener on a belt sander. No rinks. Yes. I mean, I get it. We all do. I'm falling apart. Someone put on my comments the other day, you got old fast, dude. Oh, thanks, you fuck.

Oh, thanks. Fly to your house and beat you with a fucking rock dick. That's what I'm saying. I get really offended by the comments. I'm like this. I tell myself, the guy goes, no way, I'm a winner. And I go, fuck, he's a winner and he's doing this? Look at Spain. That's a tough part. Whoa. That's me when I get all the surgery and you go, Spain, is that you? JonBenet Pico Gramsie, huh? Fucking. Look at those pecs out there. Dude, what the fuck? You better spend that money, David. Yeah.

Why does he have band-aids on his finger? What's wrong with it? And why has he got a half ounce of raspberry coom on him? Splert. Oh, God. How many times has he got a jerk off to get that? Yeah, and can you wear the cheapest chain, you know, fucking dude, spending your money on the wrong shit? Wow, is that a Neuralink necklace around his face? Shave your chest, you fruitcake. God, that guy's been eating his own nipples off, I bet. Hey, you want some cherry fucking pie melted down? Hey, nip.

Why would you push in on that? God, those bitches are hard-boiled. Fucking window cutters. Check tax out. Dude, that's crazy. I don't know. How long would you want to be alive, you think? I don't know.

I mean I like it now. I'm a little beat up around the edges. I had a rough, I had a rough. But if you get in a sauna for two days, you'll be bouncing right back. You think so? 100%. A sauna? Yeah. You would not let me in your sauna. Oh, that is a good point, huh? You didn't want to get in there. They have the ice bath, too. I know.

Okay, now here's this guy fighting that. That thing kept me going, though. Oh, yeah, on the movie? Yeah. No, honestly, whatever it takes. I was telling you beforehand. You're tougher than me, but movies are fucking tough. They're tough mentally, they're tough physically, and it's just a fucking grind. You have no life. You get up at dark, you go in.

every day is a problem like we don't have this this car doesn't work remember the cars weren't starting we're like dude the cars we had to push the cars into every car we had we're like Did you want it to start? I go, yeah, you have to drive into the scene. Okay, you got to tell us this up front, guys. I go, I have to tell you a car should start.

Well, it was low budget, but it's still, I mean, we make everything look as good as we can. Listen, Napoleon Dynamite was low budget. It's hilarious. So it's just about where you use the money. it's really just about me and you and just about being funny so you don't need too much in the background but it was like we got two brothers right here that'll push it for like 80 bucks and we're like what we're like

60, okay. Yeah, I was like, I don't care if they're related or not. I'm like, we have two guys that aren't related that'll do it for 120. Oh, no, bring the brothers back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it was, like pushing cars into scenes. But I thought overall, super fun.

glad glad to do it and excited for the final product yeah thank you for doing it man for sure it was it was definitely really interesting to get to do i can't even it just yeah you learned you learned so much stuff you're like jesus well i haven't really done a comedy team movie since i think black sheep and that because It's like growing up since five of us.

Wrong Missy was me and Lauren, and she was great. It wasn't really a comedy. She was like all the jokes. I was just reacting, which is important, but it was sort of her thing. So it was fun to go back and forth and on the set when... thinking of jokes and stuff. That's the fun part. Those are the fun parts of the movie. Once we're in it and we're doing the scenes and laughing, then it's fun. The rest of it's tough. God, could I cry? I'm not crying about the movie. It's fun.

No. I cried about everything. I cried about the driving. I'm like... Yeah. We have to give a soft spot in your heart for everything. Yeah. For having to do stuff, yeah. It's just definitely, man. It's life. We're being alive. No, dude. We're just talking about it. It's fucking life. Yeah, life. Everything isn't like...

I think people don't think that everything is just complete magic or whatever. Right. I mean, the bottom line is, it's funny when you watch a movie, any movie you see, you go, You don't think about how long, how much shit it took. You just go, funny or not, that's all. Especially when you start watching a movie and you're like, this movie fucking sucks. And then they're like... And then...

You don't even think. You're like, these fucking idiots got together every day and made it. That even blows your fucking mind. Oh, they made it. They worked hard. This is some rewrite they loved. Fucking bomb. Yeah, when I go to movies, I used to sit through everything because I love comedy. I love movies.

And then about five years ago, I started to walk out of movies. It's very hard. I think attention span and everything where I'm like, or I kind of know where it's going. And I'm like, if there's not enough tricks here. I gotta go. Yeah, if there's not a good bit of fucking in them, I'm out. If nothing else, someone start fucking someone. Yeah. Or I'm fucking out. Minimum.

Even if it's animals, I'll watch that. Listen, how am I watching that when I know I have stepbrother porn on my phone if I need it? Hey, dude, I don't need a DNA test to watch that. You know what I'm saying? You know, in stepbrother porn, I'll tell you, and then I gotta get out of here. Yeah, tell me about one of your favorite things about it. I have one more.

Oh, is this a thing? Oh, sperm racing. That's not, is that true? Sperm racing, a new sport. That's KTLA 5, yeah. Sperm Racing, a new sport, has come to Los Angeles. You read that right. A startup recently announced the launch of the world's first live sperm race. You'll be able to watch its inaugural edition. Does everyone get a microscope? Right here in Los Angeles. I don't know. Let me see.

The startup known simply as Sperm Raising raised a million dollars in support of the reference to put on the world's first sperm raise. I like that you read it so fast I'm not even understanding. Male fertility is declining. So what happens, let's say I'm in fifth grade. You get a boner. I'm trying to explain to a fifth grader. Why would I? Well, son. Look at the chart. That really helps me. So now you're jerking off. You just tell your dad I'm staying competitive out here.

Now you might be wondering how exactly a sperm race works. Well, the founders laid it out. First, a microscopic racetrack for the two sperm samples to compete on will be constructed. The course mimics reproductive system and includes chemical signals.

fluid dynamics, and synchronized starts. Is this for the next Olympics? What are we doing? God, dude. I don't know because I'm tired of just jerking off and nobody wins. How about this? I'll get the fucking high jump and that's about it. Yeah. Good days. Okay. Flop it over. Yeah, no, I don't even want to call it. Mine's more like, it looks like a couple guys just rolling out of a sleeping bag these days. The last scene of some dude in this.

In the scene he goes, yeah! And then it's like, one cc like this. The guy's like, oh, yeah, you missed a good batch. Dude, I'm working with an eyedropper these days, that's for sure. And the girl's like this, ah! And they're like, oh, there it is. No, sperm races. Yeah, let's look forward to that in 2028 Gavin Newsom Olympics. First sperm to cross the finish line wins. That's pretty much it. One more news topic before you go, David. Yeah, the two guys that play blues.

Yeah, dude, that's for the two guys that play it. Like on the side, what do you think? Last one, no opinion.

Okay, GA, Georgia? Yeah, Georgia 9-11 caller here is dispatcher ordering McGriddle during emergency call. Oh, I hate this kind of stuff. I would say when the lines get crossed or whatever. You ever do that? What do you mean? Oh, like a party line? Oh, when I was a kid. Yeah, like when I was a kid or whatever. You'd be talking to your friend and then it would cross over and you'd just have some big guy's voice. It's like...

are going to die. You're like, who was that? Yeah, yeah. Just a line you've never even heard the voice before. Like, the line would get crossed. Yeah. Yeah. No, I want to hear more about the McGriddle. What about on Instagram when they show cars doing donuts and they always hit somebody? Oh, yeah. Street takeover and everyone's like... I'm like, God, everyone gets hit. You guys get at this point. These aren't professionals. Get out the way. Yeah, get out the way.

A 911 caller in Chatham County, Georgia had a very hard time getting through to dispatchers when he thought someone was breaking. Classic Chatham County problem. Just some good old breakfast. When he finally did get through, he said the dispatcher was ordering breakfast. My wife called me. Oh, we got a live report. Go ahead. Let's see it. 911 call from earlier this year after the dispatcher was ordering breakfast.

So the person getting the call... it was in february dylan here we gotta let you know i want to hear more from this person was concerned about snooping around his home in the savannah area he called the non-emergency line first and then called 911 three times After finally getting an answer he was shocked by what he heard during the call.

If it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe it that happened to someone else. That's how unbelievable it really is. It says the bottom. Theo Vaughn fan. That lady looks like her mom a little spade.

She's like a reptilian. Yeah, never mind. Your mom looks... No, my mom's hot. My mom got her knee replaced. Did she? Yeah, you haven't said shit about it. She might want you to call her. Oh, definitely, dude. She's so excited. Oh, where's the movie? That's what she said. Oh, is it fun? It's going to be funny, I can tell.

It just sounds fun. She's very positive. Yeah, she's very positive. She is? Busboy sounds fun, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, I was a busboy for... How long were you a busboy for? Probably two years. I was the worst. That's it? You told me you were busboy for a long time. I was a dishwasher for a year. Then busboy, then busboy, then valet parker. No, I would be longer except I got fired over and over. Dude, she does that. Does look like the lady. Dude, your mom likes jade. So does my mom.

Oh, jade? Oh, that's turquoise, but she wears a lot of jade and she wears a lot of turquoise. Oh, yeah, turquoise, dude. Desert jade. Yeah. No, she loves it. That sand jade, they call it, you know, in some circles. Look at me with makeup on. Oh, God. Does your mom have a good sense of humor? She's the best, yeah. She's hysterical. My mom looks like Willie Nelson when we got a picture of her.

Bring up real well. But she's awesome, too. Absolutely. Does your mom like me? She loves you. Does she really? She would way rather have you. Look at cute. Is that you in a bandana? There's my mom right there. Oh, where were you guys? Maybe I would have loved you. Maybe I. And love you. What if she took off a mask as Bobby Lee the whole time? You were always. You were always.

I love Elvis and Willie. It's great. My mom's favorite person is Willie. Favorite performer. You're lying. I swear to God. That's my mom's favorite dude. Look at him. She goes, oh, he's sexy. I don't care about the ring-offs. He is sexy. He's so good. Talent. My mom says I like to climb up those braids and get into them. Your mom's got a side pony going. Yeah, she rocks. Where are you guys? Which Waffle House is that? That's one of...

That was ranked one of the top 600 Waffle Houses. She's like, you're so rich. Where are you taking me? You're like, oh, pulling a Waffle House. Oh, you want to go somewhere else? Beep, beep.

She's like, no, we can have the Buck 99 special. You're like, Mom, I just feel like you're most comfortable here. Dude, she likes it ever since RFK Jr. cleaned up some of their feeding patterns over there. Do you have syrup? That was overheard. We're gonna start using owl piss. Yeah.

Did you hear about the guy trying to piss in his pool or something? No, someone was leaving piss somewhere and they hit him with a hammer. What was that article I saw with that hammer, dude? I don't know if that's the whole story. What was that article I saw with the hammer, dude? Oh, my God. This is the last one. Ready? A lot of pee. Man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his

Recycling bin. We should have started with this. I like this one. Or why? It's a lot of people. A man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin or why? Dude, it's Kappa Sig. That's who's doing it. Dude, I'll tell you. This guy also is on Instagram trying to fill his pool with piss. himself and it's been a year and it's not that much and i can tell you it's gonna take him longer i figured out dane and i

On our podcast, figure it out. If you try to piss to fill up the Grand Canyon, if every person did it once a day, it would take 800 years. Isn't that crazy? It's not that long. That sounds like a lot. It isn't that long, but the Grand Canyon is bigger than you think. Dude, remember when your parents left you at the Grand Canyon? Oh, no, don't even bring that up. It's such a sore sub. Just glad to see you and your mom. By the way.

You don't know. Maybe Joder's parents, they were maybe doing it as a favor for some reason. I haven't thought of that.

TBD, dude. It's a little late to be thinking about the plot. Dude, the best thing was that we got to sing the Beatles. That was the best thing, I think. Where was that? Probably on Busboys on the movie. We did? Yeah. What did we sing? Anytime. We got the singing member. Oh, we'd sing. Abbey Road. Off camera. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking love the Beatles. Oh, I love the Beatles.

McCartney, the Beatle. I love it all, man. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I got to let you go. All right. I'm going to stick around for a little bit, but I'm going to let you take off. No, but thanks for having me. Miss you. Dandelion out now.

out in the next day or two check it out yep may 6th um amazon and uh check it out Smash that button. Whatever you're supposed to do. Hit that like and subscribe button. Yeah, whatever it is. You guys... One of the greats, one of the funniest people I've ever met, man. I feel lucky to be able to know you, and I really feel lucky that you came over today, man. Just thanks for making us laugh, dude. I love it, dude. You always crack me up. All right, guys.