Hi, everyone. Welcome back to This is Bipolar. I am your host, Shaili Huggenort. My pronouns are she, her. I'm a speaker. I am obviously a podcaster. I'm an event planner and a mom and a wife. I live with bipolar 2 disorder, and I'm really excited to be here. My guest is awesome. I just wanted to, before we start, remind everybody I have subscriptions on Instagram. And what that looks like is you sign up to be a subscriber, $6.99 a month, and you get extra content.
And one of the best things that you get is an extra exclusive Going Deeper episode from every podcast that's only available to you. So if you don't know how to sign up, just go to my page and then it should say subscriptions. You click on it and it'll do the rest for you. If you are unsure, I know a lot of people are unsure how to do it, just message me and I can walk you through it. It would be amazing.
And somebody was telling me the other day they didn't know, but I also do a lot of event speaking. So if you're looking for an event speaker, I'm your girl. So message me and we can work together. I'm so excited to get started because I have just been getting closer with my new friend, Missy, and we have just connected. And I just feel like such a heart connection to her.
So I'm really excited to share her story. Also, as you all know, my favorite type of interview is when I don't know the whole story. So you're finding out when I'm finding out. So it's going to be an amazing episode and an amazing conversation. So Missy, I'm so excited you're here. I would love, love, love if you could tell the listeners a little bit about yourself. Hi, my name is Missy. My pronouns are also she, her, and I live with my boy Juan.
And I started a business called Comfortable Silence that is all about bringing awareness and ending the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder. Yeah. And for the people watching the video, I am wearing the shirt and a bracelet and I love it. It just makes me feel, it makes me feel. I love it. My mom made that bracelet. I know. Yay mom. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. For those of you that are listening, it has the happy face up and down. And also, you can go to the website and check it out.
I will have all of Missy's information and about Comfortable Silence in the show notes. And we're going to talk about that a little bit later. So I'm really, really excited about that. That was the first thing that caught my eye, her.
The detail and just the original you know images and such on the shirts and on like you're just so creative and that caught my attention first and then I was like we need to be friends and now we're friends yay I was like wow I'm so honored I almost was like I'm so lucky with then I was like of course she would want like I believe in myself you know and it's just like a confirmation and validation that I am on the right path. And I get like so emotional talking about it because, you know,
my goal is to inspire other people and let them know that they're capable of anything. So. And I love that. And I love that. And you're doing exactly that. My friends go and follow her immediately. Can you tell us your handle? I think it's like, I don't want to mess up the underscores. So tell us your handle. It's underscore underscore because everything is taken. So underscore, underscore, comfortable dot silence.
Yes, yes. And go, if you don't get it, go check out the show notes. We'll put it there. I would love to just go back, Missy. I love hearing about, you know, people's childhood and into their, you know, teenagehood. I'm curious if you, you know, if you felt different or when you started noticing, and I know you have a big teenage story. So I would just love to start with, you know, did you feel different?
What were you like as a child? And then for those of you that are listening, as always, we talk about really hard things on this podcast. And some of these things can activate people. If you are activated, or if you are triggered by anything, please take care of yourself. First, first, if you have to walk away or not at all, that is completely understandable. We would never, ever want to trigger anybody. Just wanted to add that before we dive into your story. That's so kind of you. Yeah.
Yeah. And so I would just, yeah, I would just love to hear what did you start noticing anything as a child and lead us into your teenagehood? All right. We're going to have to kumbaya if I tell the whole story. I didn't really know what normal was growing up. I do remember my parents' nickname for me was Pissy Missy. So I did always have a little bit of a temper. And I would get kind of, I don't know, just agitated very easily. However, I was diagnosed when I was 15, which is very young.
And I have read that it tends to. It tends to be diagnosed like after somebody goes through a pretty like life altering experience or I'm not sure how accurate that is, but it was very true. Yeah, yeah. It's that there we all have, you know, we have a precursor, a predisposition. It's not like borderline where it's caused by trauma, but different things can bring it out and they could be good as well. Right.
So, yeah. Yeah. But I can see that you're like, I just wanted to confirm that you are correct and also say like, it isn't stemmed from trauma, but absolutely trauma can bring it to the forefront. So, yeah. So I try not to say so much. I'm sorry. Don't even worry about it. It's like when you're watching a movie and people are like, like, like, like, and it drives you crazy. And then you watch a video of yourself and you're like, oh my God.
So when I was 15, my high school was hit by an F4 tornado while we were in school. And at times I feel telling this story almost sounds like I'm blaming it, but I feel like it is very important. it. And so I was in the school when it happened. We all were. And, you know, it destroyed the entire school. I remember just looking up and seeing the roof lifting up above my head. And yeah, I had an asthma attack and passed out. And I woke up and it was like the movie Twister. And.
Eight kids died in that and i i saw a lot of things that you would never want to see. So after that i'm sorry that happened to you i'm so sorry yeah it's um it was huge it was on cnn.
George bush actually flew down that same day and did a walk through weather channel the documentary entering on it oh so it was it was it was a lot it was very traumatizing still to this day I get horrible nightmares and you know I did learn that I live with survivor's guilt too so I've been working on that yeah but of course like after that my mom told me how she was like I think you should go to therapy rightfully so and I ended up getting you know referred to a psychiatrist
and or psychologist and that's what I got diagnosed and then I started seeing a psychiatrist but you know they were just like you have bipolar disorder and I was like okay like what does that mean it was never really explained to me all I know is I was a guinea pig and I I tried so many different medications and I was angry all the time like angry I was such, I'm such an angry kid and I feel bad when I look back on it how I you know treated even my parents you know yeah so I
didn't yeah I'm with you there yeah so I think about my teenage years with my parents as well and I'm like try to be try to be gentle with myself because it's so hard and.
To explain that it is a symptom right because it's not you yeah it's not you and yet we have to be responsible for it right whereas there would be so much more empathy and understanding if we were broke our arm or we're bleeding or you know we're having a side effect from something and it's so entwined and, and stigmatized, right?
Sometimes I say, and it's probably not a great thing to say, but sometimes I wish that people could, like, I had something physical on the outside to see, to, you know, to prove my, prove my pain, right?
And so it's, yeah, it's difficult to look back and, and not, not feel guilty and yet also try to be kind to ourselves that like we were right best we can't i am so curious about this doctor visit so you went in to talk about the traumatic event and then they figured out that you had bipolar one disorder to be honest with you i don't remember a lot of my teenage years after that I remember bits and pieces.
So I just had so much going on in my head. I just, I guess like blackouts, I guess, you know. Trauma tends to, you tend to, you know, subconsciously block out, you know, areas of your life. And then later in life, you're so lucky and you remember them. Yeah. Yeah, but I was diagnosed, I think. Yeah, 15, 16. And I was a B word to everyone. And I did use it as an excuse. It was like, well, I have bipolar. So yeah. And that is not something I do anymore. Yeah.
But I did actually going back to, you know, treating parents or loved ones differently.
I listened to an episode from inside bipolar yeah because and there was an episode on you know growing up like the parent side of you know side of the story and you know just to be easy on yourself and that helped a lot you know yeah so that's that's amazing and also too like it's so intertwined it actually is brain development for teenagers to actually be like grouchy and be do you know what i mean i try to remind myself yeah as a mom i try to remind
myself that oh that means they're growing but then you have this double whammy triple for you like the trauma of an actual event and be living with a serious, serious illness, right? I would be surprised if you were not very emotional during that time. And I'm, yeah, that's really. And it's strange to you how people can go through the same experience, but it does not affect them long time as it does.
You know, my sister was in the tornado, my cousin. in. And of course she is still very, you know, bothered by it, but she does what she told me, you know, I've made peace with that and I hate having to recognize it every year and talk about it. And I know, you know, I've made peace with it and I can move on. So. Me, I just get, I still get like recurring nightmares and stuff. I have like little triggers. Like if heat lightning happens,
I can't, I just, it brings me to like, God forbid I'm driving. Right. So, but I have tried to teach myself how to start like coping with rain. I started listening to like thunderstorms, like while you're sleeping and rain and just trying to be comforted by that.
That so yeah I can imagine that there's a lot of hyper vigilance around weather and can you remind me where you live I live in St. Pete Florida now Florida okay okay yeah yeah in the very hot humidity where everybody keeps moving and the rent is so high now oh really my hair I feel like my hair would not do well in Florida. Oh, I had, I had super curly, long hair when I moved here. No way. Well, I had really long hair and then I moved here and I found out that I have really curly hair.
I was like, well, there's, I guess. So yeah. And then I just started cutting it all off. I love it. I think I love your hair. I love the hair. So you found out and you're a teenager and And you're, it makes you even angrier and you're trying all these meds. And I can, I was very angry afterwards as well. Did you accept it right away? Because you're a teenager, were you like, oh, well, okay, well, and you were so young. Yep. This is what it was. Yeah, I did.
I don't know if I accept, is there one? I was just like, okay, well, because it wasn't explained to me. I didn't even know if I was bipolar one or two. I was just bipolar. Bipolar and had bipolar. I've learned to talk better to myself about that. So I didn't really even fully understand about the disorder and the symptoms of it. I didn't know what mania was. I didn't know what depression was.
I didn't realize that a lot of my life choices were triggering and I ended up making it worse until, you know, I had a huge manic episode. I was seven or eight months and I didn't even know. And that's kind of when I decided I had to call my parents and tell them I couldn't take care of myself. Which was really hard, but I was having psychosis, which I didn't know was a thing. I just thought I was like, well, there's, there's that.
That's wild. How do you experience that? Can you explain to people that don't experience psychosis, what that felt like for you?
Right. So it started with, and that's still like when I can, when I'm about to tell you, when I can have that happening I'm like oh here it is but I'll try to make a joke about it and be like that's not there missy yeah no it started off with just my like I would feel what I thought was my cat like rubbing up against my legs and and I would beckon he wasn't there and then I would see him a lot out of my peripheral or I'd hear him you know like meowing and it was never It was never hidden.
And then it started getting into, I would hear people, I had a couple of friends who have bipolar and I would hear them say, you know, they wake up and they feel like people touching them or they feel like people are trying to get them. And like maybe five months in, I remember like feeling somebody grab my shoulder and like very hard and I woke up. And I was like, whoa. You know, I was like, I am not losing it. I was just like, I, something isn't right. Yeah.
Yes. And I would start, I just felt like I was very reckless and I would start, let's see, I would, I started having like tics and I wouldn't be able to like, I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I would just see my skin got so bad. I like developed like a skin picking habit. Yeah. It was very much so I've suffered with, you know, body dysmorphia and what comes along with that. So I was always very much so obsessed and I just wanted to feel pretty all the time.
So it was hard for me to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. I feel like a lot of people don't really understand it, right? Because words like psychotic or whatever are thrown around all the time just for people with different behaviors, right? Yeah. Money, too. The more that I've learned about it, how terrifying it must be. Yeah. I mean, I have never been good with money, ever. Never. Never.
I would make, and before I got let go, I made a decent amount of money, but for some reason, I could not keep up. And during my manic episode, I actually racked up over $10,000 in credit card debt, which is not like me at all. And it was, so when I got better and I moved back and I, you know, I was on my feet again, And I couldn't really do anything for myself because I was so consumed by debt. Like I lost so much weight and I couldn't buy clothes for myself. So it made me so sick again.
And, you know, so that was hard. But my parents, my dad grew up very, very poor. And he is very humble. He's very successful.
He taught me the value of a dollar. and i've never once felt comfortable asking my family for money so when it happened when i moved back and i had all this debt he called me one day and he was like i know this is like holding you back and it was the one thing that like reminded me that i was sick and he was like i'm i'm gonna pay off your debt for you and give you fresh start oh and i don't i don't get like emotional because i'm like sad about i'm just so grateful you know oh i
love him i love him he's yeah my dad is my hero i mean for for my parents i don't know you know i don't know where i would be so because they took me in and at first i felt like a animal in a cage at a zoo too because it was I felt like literally everything I mean and rightfully so they were they're concerned about me because I literally I was like shaking I remember I was so out of it I was like shaking my head back and forth and I did this a lot like I couldn't.
I couldn't like focus. My eyes were so dry. That's how I get when I'm manic. And I just, I did constantly hear things that weren't there. And I just got pissed off all the time because I was like, oh my God, I'm in the middle of nowhere. I left everything I knew behind, but it was the best decision we could have ever made for myself. Yeah. You know, I tell everybody I shut the world out and I started focusing on my, my physical health and mental.
Yeah. And just, I had to be, it was the best place to be because I was in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. And, and, you know, I would, I would talk to like a few of my close friends, but I weeded out the very, the very bad ones that I realized like were not my friends. Yeah. And, yeah, I just, I remember probably three months later, I would wake up and I'd be like, wow, I got such good sleep. And, you know, I'm excited for the day.
And I remember, like, sitting outside and just being like, you know, feeling like I was finally comfortable in silence. Because I could never just sit and be, like, just be, you know. Oh, I 100%. Yeah, because it was all noise is what I call it. I call it, you know, don't let the noise, you know, get to you. Yeah. Because that's what it was. It was just, you know, the angry thoughts and the person inside you telling you that you'll never make it.
And that's when you have to realize, like, I'm going to show you I can make it. I think you bring up a really like hard but beautiful point for to comfort people, but also to educate people that don't live with bipolar disorder is that when it's a full body experience, right? We think it's, you know, it's all it's mental illness.
It's all in my soul. well i get here i don't know how to describe but i have like journal entry i can hear i was just talking about how i can literally feel my ear hairs growing right it's so sensitive yeah i call it my spidey senses everything is loud the world is coming at me i'm like hot and i'm cold and i'm yes and i feel like i think a lot of anger stems from that because like i can barely cope with like my like regulating my body and then i'm supposed to hold conversations or i'm
supposed to like be up be present in my marriage or raise like it's just it's over it's completely overwhelming yeah and it's to me that's mostly when i'm hypomanic i've bipolar i live with true disorder and um i when i'm depressed i barely feel anything yeah i call that like Like. When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't really know how to describe it other than emotionless. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It isn't always like crying all the time, although I do that too.
But it's like this weird numbness and I just go through the motions of life, right? And that was pre-medication.
The medication really helped with the depression. But I'm curious, when you started going through your manic episode, you said like before you were guinea pig trying medication were you on medication were you on the wrong location so i was actually on i'm sorry if i could keep interrupting you oh that's don't you think that's on brand us i feel like that's my podcast i love everybody and that's just how it rolls yeah adhd also.
So i what was the question so the the question was were you on medication like were you on medication or where were you at in that when the mania came on? I'm so curious. So I was on Depakote for 10 years. I remember like them telling me that there was nothing else to help. It was either that or lithium maybe. And I was still having, it didn't, I didn't feel any different. I was still having, which obviously you still have episodes when you're medicated, but it was like nonstop.
It didn't help at all. And I actually left my partner that I'd been with for five years. We just, it was a toxic relationship. We loved each other very much, but it was just not good for my mental health. So I remember calling my sister one day at like five in the morning and just being like, she was like, how much money do you have in your savings? And I said this much. And she said, what are they for? And I said, emergencies. And she said, you don't think your happiness is an emergency? Whoa.
Yeah. And I, the next day I went and drove around and a week later I signed the lease for my own place and it was so beautiful I loved it so much it had like it was called an attic apartment so all the walls were like this oh it was just such it was me and I had $200 to my name after that and I had a lamp and a bed and that was like. I'm happiest I've ever been. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.
And then I, I started a new job and then I hadn't heard from a lot of my friends that they take Lamectal and how it really like helped. And I've done a ton of research on Depakote and I knew it's not that good for you long time. If anybody's taking it, I don't want it. Please don't stop. Yeah. You know, different for any, everybody. And it's just, it's Missy's experience. Yes. So I actually made the decision to transition to the McDonald, which took me six months to like transition off of it.
And I remember my doctor being like, of course, but do you really think that maybe right now is the right time?
Like you just moved, you just started your job, you know you're going through it and I was like you know yeah let's do it and I remember, you know I'm still friends with my partner because he was my best friend and he would like I can I can tell a difference for sure and I could tell a difference in myself yeah oh yeah that's that's amazing yeah I mean it's you know that's a tough one to know when to try something new but you were we're doing everything else new and the other one wasn't working.
I don't know, right? Like, what else do you do? Talking about, so you've brought up a little bit about relationships and a little bit about work, however much you're willing to, to talk about, I'm curious about, how living with bipolar disorder affected you at work before, like, what were you like before for medication or the medication that worked. And what did you notice after that? So I was diagnosed very early and that was the only thing that I took for,
for, I guess, 15 years. Wow. And so I don't know, because I was still pissed off all the time and I wasn't really, but I was also not aware. I didn't do my research and I was not aware of like a routine. I had no idea. Like I had, I literally had no idea about any of this. And I was like, this makes sense. I wasn't really sleeping.
I was drinking all the time because I wasn't, I didn't want to be alone in my own thoughts, you know, but then I would go out and I would just come home and be like, that was exhausting.
And I didn't even want to do that, you know? so i i don't know i don't really know what it was like without medication right right so you know i got on the mcdonald's like oh wow this is helping and i started working out a lot which i i love i feel like the gym like truly saved my life yeah because i got a relationship a healthy a good relationship with food. And, you know, that helped me immensely.
And then in March, right after my birthday, and it was two weeks after the Tornado anniversary, which is always hard for me, I got a knock on my door from my landlord and he was like, I sold the place. You got to be out in 30 days. What? And I had, you know, a little place, your cute place.
Yeah. it was like it was so beautiful it was me I had like my own wooden staircase that I like put plants all over and it was just it was you know and it was also a reminder like you did this you know yeah so I spiraled obviously I was like what am I gonna do yeah you know throughout my careers years I have always had issues with just I don't know I guess now looking back I knew that it was like harder for me to take on tasks and or just like deal with a lot at once I would
constantly think that this is one thing I took everything personally everything yep and I guess I perceived things differently and it did it did get in the way of things but I just thought I you know I don't know. So after, you know, I was told I needed to move, I was like, where am I going to go? I can't live with anyone. You know, I have to live by myself. I have two cats and I was just devastated. So I started, you know, panicking, looking at places to live constantly.
And I had a friend that I've known for years. She actually used to be my next door neighbor. And we kind of fell out of touch for a few years, but we reconnected at one of our friends' celebration of life. And we were both like, I just left toxic relationships. We looked great.
And and that happened and we were like he was like yeah i have an extra room and i was like he brought us together you know and it was terrible i mean i had to just like i basically lived in just one room you know it didn't feel like me at all i felt just not myself and And, yeah, I just ended up just wanting to not be there ever. And I, like, ended up, like, flying to California and telling myself, I'm going to move here. I love it here, you know. Yeah.
Because I remember there was a time when I was there and I sat. And it was, like, this place that my friend took me to. And you, like, overlook all of San Diego. And I remember just sitting there and looking around and just crying. But because I felt like so proud of myself, you know, and I say thank you to the universe and all that. And came back, I was still on a manic episode. And, you know, I just, I got home one day and all of my things were moved into the, into the kitchen.
And yeah, I mean, all my paintings, my, I have this mirror from my great grandmother and it's been our family for like a hundred years.
And you know i got the point i was like i i will move you know but she ended up telling me, while i was backing up and stuff that she just had this blank stare in her eyes and she told me you know you should just go end your life she said it you know bad like you know the other way yeah and I just looked at her and I was like the next day was our friend's birthday that passed and I said how could you say that with you know you know
who's birthday and she said if he was here he would want you to do it too yeah and it was just it's terrible it was terrible I mean I remember and then all I saw was red I just snapped you know what I mean I ran upstairs, I called my therapist, and I would have left, but I had my cats there. I wasn't going to leave my animals. Right. That ended badly. She ended up getting arrested for battery. She beat me up really bad. Really? Yeah. And I had to call my parents the next day.
And they were like, we are driving down there. They live in Alabama. They're like, we're driving down there. We'll be there tomorrow. You are not allowed to get back there. We will literally pack up all of your things.
And yeah, I had to stay in an Airbnb. b&b and i was just like what is my life you know like i can't believe this and that's when i really started to spiral so i was really depressed but i was also it was like manic to where i've never experienced before i just i literally i couldn't see i would constantly like do this because i just couldn't i didn't know what was real or not i would leave like my phone and one time i found on my phone in the fridge you know
i couldn't eat i started picking at my skin really bad and i just i just wanted to be alone like my mom kept you know sitting outside my my door and like hearing me cry staring away and being like baby and i would just be like leave me alone you know like leave me here. So, but yeah, I had to say goodbye to my life and it was hard, but it was thought it was the best thing I could have ever done to myself. What are the practices or things that you did at that time to help you?
Like even the little things, people probably wondering how, how in that terrible, terrible place you were in, And how did you crawl out of that? Really, I established a routine, which I never, I didn't do intentionally, but it helped. I worked out five times a week, which I had to be careful of because it can get like obsessive for me just from my background. I ate very well. I didn't really have anything to do.
So I just went to sleep. I started listening to, you know, podcasts for sleeping and it would help me so much. I'd wake up and just feel great. And, you know, I, I wrote a lot and I didn't really focus on what I didn't have. I just focused on myself and, you know, I believed in myself a lot. And I think I have this affirmation app. It's called I Am. And I recommend it. It's, I think a lot of it saved me from depression.
Darkness. I call it darkness. Yeah. Because you can set it to what you want to manifest. It's like overcoming anxiety or hard times or self-love and everything like that. And I had mine set to like self-love and getting through hard times. So I'd play those every day and just telling yourself, you know, if you keep on feeding yourself, like, you know, affirmations, you're going to change your thought process.
This yeah and i remember this is actually where one of my shirts came from is i remember driving around and just like crying so much and i've never had like you know thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore i'm so sorry if that's triggering but i just questioned a lot like what do i have to offer yeah and i got a notification it will say do you push notifications throughout the day and it said my life has purpose wow and i just pulled over and i was like oh my god it
like hit me like like so hard i cried but i was just like wow you know i had two butterflies land on my windshield which butterflies remind me a lot of like my grandmother and i feel like they're sort of like a sign from the universe like hey you're on the right path and i'm constantly after that. So that's why I made the shirt. And that's why on my help us here page, it says your life has purpose. Wow, that's beautiful.
And that's so powerful what you talked about, because I know, in the beginning, when my therapist would be like, you know, tell yourself these kind things or do this. And I, you know, as our brain does lies to us. I'm like, yeah, okay, but I don't Or, what's the point? Or, this is stupid. And then... She told me like, you can trick your brain. So I would say it and I'd be like, oh, you're awesome. Like I'd roll my eyes. It's so ridiculous.
But guess what? The therapist was right because it does work. And right now, I still have trouble being kind to myself. And so I did, it was like the Instagram trend a while ago where people like looked at pictures of themselves when they were younger or I did it for you or whatever.
And so I pulled out some pictures and I've been doing that lately and just seeing teenage Shaylee or seven-year-old Shaylee or whatever I have so much compassion for her and I'm like that's you right like that's still inside of you don't talk to her like that and it's on my mirror and it's actually really yeah I think to go to further explain I actually have sticky notes that would put all over where I would see it every day and one of them before I decided to move it said whatever you're not
changing or choosing I would see it all the time and that was like I'm not changing so I need to you know I have to move and then I actually in my newest collection is called no darkness no light and that's from an affirmation which I feel like relates a lot to bipolar and it It says, I thank even the darkest of times, for I must feel the difference to recognize the light. And it helped me a lot because, I mean, you really have to...
Sometimes go through the worst, which you think is the worst, but really it's, it's, it's to appreciate, you know, it's just, there's a lot ahead of this and yeah, that seriously helped me. So, I mean, I even have like a new little vision board that I started and I printed out all these things and right here it's, you know, yeah. So if you're listening, it says I prioritize my mental health. Well, I think right now would be a great time to talk more about comfortable silence.
You've told us a little bit here and there, but tell us, tell us the comfortable silence story. I would love to hear it. Uh-huh. So I, when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I started journaling a lot and I, I love your mug. Oh yeah. I got it made. I want to make them.
I want to make them but I made my mugs yeah I love it yeah I brand it with your therapist needs a new mug that's amazing I love that yeah I just I just made this one but I'm waiting it's a whole other story but I'm waiting for my trademark to go through because I don't want to put it out and I don't want someone you know what I mean going on yeah yeah yeah okay back to your story enough about me so I started journaling and I would it was kind
of like a way for me to like figure out what was going on in my head or just document it and I would take like I would go through at so many magazines and I would just like rip out pages and put them all together and just write like simple things or like today and some of it and I still have all of them And I have like over 20, I think. I have one of them on my, you can see in one of my reels, I'm like holding it up. And so I've always kept them a secret.
And Comfortable Silence was my alias that I used in all my writings. And so talk about depressed. I thought of that when I was 16.
You know but so when I got sick and I moved home I've always wanted to start my own brand I was you know I would just go for fashion and I was like this is it you know I was like I have to, take my trauma and you know turn it into a brand and this almost tells a story of I like to go back and reference them because as hard as it is sometimes you can kind of see your growth you You know? So, you know, a lot of my designs and everything that I write about are from my journals.
So like the face of Comfortable Silence on my website, and I have it pinned on my Instagram, is a scan from my journal when I was 15. Wow, this one? No, that is actually my handwriting. Is it? My handwriting is the little happy face, and I like to call that manic Missy. Oh, I love it. Uh-huh. Yeah. People really, that's why I do enjoy doing markets. It's no matter if I don't make any money or not. It's how many people like walk up and they really resonate with it and they think it's amazing.
And they just, and that's awesome. And I can't tell you how many people I meet that have bipolar or, you know, one of their family members is struggling. I always have at least one person that cries and hugs me and tells me, thank you so much. Wow. And that is Because, you know, I always say like my main thing is helping people and making money is number two. Yeah. One day they will balance out. Yeah. And if you're listening, go, go.
People are always asking me like, how do I, you know, how do I help end stigma or how do I, you know, what can I do? And one of the biggest things you can do is support us. Support us in the things that we are doing.
Go and I would shout it from the rooftops go and buy Missy's thing like yeah I'm constantly coming out with new like I'm working on my new collection right now which I've been in a pretty heavy I don't ever get depressed but I've been I'm finally coming out of it I think but I was not doing well so I just I didn't do anything I could not I couldn't do anything so I'm rushing to get it done but but yeah so everything has a story behind it just like no darkness no light yeah and
i'm it's me it's just me i am comfortable silence i'm figuring it out i have no idea what i'm doing half the time but my friends say that's the fun of it which i don't know about that you're like yes you're like yes and also no i think that regardless i'm the same way like my my kind of mantras you know but for one one person right but if we're honest like it it is work and it is you know emotional labor to do these things to put your heart out there
you're putting your writing out there you're putting everything out there and as beautiful it is to turn you know and not in a cheesy way but turning pain into purpose that to me that doesn't mean that. It's worth it. Honestly, to me, it doesn't mean that it's, I don't mean it in a platitude kind of way. Like, I mean it in that it's beautiful. If you can, if you can turn it into something in that I'm thankful for the pain or illness or for this, I'm not there.
Some people are, I'm not there. I'd give it back in a heartbeat. I would give it, but I wonder what it'd be like.
Yeah oh yeah right I can get stuck in that a lot of time or I can get stuck in the grief of all the years like because unlike you I was diagnosed at 32 wow yeah so yeah so the not knowing and I can trace it back to teenage years for sure now no but all that to say is it's beautiful what you've done I also want to be aware to the listeners too I always say this because Because when I was in the pit, I'd be like, well, good for you. I can't do that.
And you know what? Just showing up and living is enough. Like Missy is not, you know, she is doing beautiful and wonderful things, but she's also showing up. If you go on her Instagram, she's showing up in the messy middle. And I would rather follow anybody that share because that is where that's where I connect with most people, right? Our tendency, we care what people think, right? It's to show up and be like, I conquered this, or look how I fixed this.
And it's not good to talk about our accomplishments. I mean, look at your beautiful accomplishments. But what I'm saying is that I connect more with people that are in the messy middle, and I find it vulnerable if it's safe for you, right? Not traumatizing people. That's okay. I'm on a rampage. if it's safe for you to show up because it gives people permission. And the thing that is the hardest with bipolar disorder is that it is chronic and there is no cure yet.
And as hard as that is to accept, knowing that for me takes off the expectation of being better, right? Like I get stuck in my head, like whenever I get into an episode, I'm like, you know better than this, or in my head, I'm like, why are you here again? Or what a fake mental health advocate. And then I'm like, wait a minute, lying brain, right? I've had to learn how to, and I had to have a talk with my therapist about this is how do I protect my mental health?
And cause I do, and I love it cause I want to start a community and I'm so grateful for all the friends I've met. Like I talked to Paris the other day and it was just like, it's just great talking to people who understand, you know, and it's like, oh, I get it.
You don't even need to, you know, but I do have a lot of people who, that he that will message me and they will you know they'll tell me a lot and i have to learn to say you know i'm sorry i can't be there for the way like didn't you need me to you know here's a link to my office here page or you know i hope you know yeah it's holding space for everyone right and as uh it's i have some folks or sometimes i say like like, I think sometimes as a large Instagram account and a podcast.
And because when I show up here, yeah, I'm showered, I'm talking, I'm, you know, but that doesn't mean that I'm not struggling. And so it does take a lot of emotional capacity. And so sometimes, I feel like I have to be there for everyone, right? And unless I miss it, I answer every message is what I want to do. And sometimes I will do things for others to the detriment of my own mental health. So I think that's an amazing lesson that you have learned.
And I think one of the things that I do, and my friends do as well, is we talk about like a white heart or a blue heart, or we have like these, this emoji that it's like, I read your message. I, you know, I love you. I'm there, but you might not have mental capacity to, do you know what I mean?
Do you have capacity and it doesn't mean they don't care because a long time ago i would just feel like you know you don't mean to trauma dump but sometimes people can't can't hold it so that's why i always it's a it's a lot it is yeah and i'm like i i appreciate you but you know people will be like well i just got put on this and i just you know and i'm just like oh it's hard I think it's okay to say, like, I've shown up before and I'd be like, hey,
like, I have missed, you know, a bazillion messages. I will try to answer you. But, you know, and also I feel like sometimes lots of people are struggling. So we're not always, you're not always, and I know I've not always been aware. You know, and of asking a lot. And I think that it's really beautiful when people can respect if I'm like, hey, I have capacity to hold space for this.
Or I have, and I do that. And that's why, like I was telling you with the book, I don't give a time and I don't say every week in order for me to keep showing up at something. I have to set it up in a way that I can be successful. And that is being, you know, going with the flow and working alongside of my moods or or other things, because otherwise I'm just fighting against it and I'm no help to anybody. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll pause it. Me too. Me too, actually.
So, Missy, I would love to hear how this journey of creating comfortable silence and putting your creativity, your art, your words out there. How has that helped you on this healing journey? I feel through comfortable silence that I can finally be myself and I can show other people that, you know, it's okay to be different. You know, you are the only, you're the only one in this entire world and ain't that something, you know?
Yeah. And it's giving me, I know that I, this, this is what I was born to do. This is my life's purpose. And it means the world to me that others can resonate and are, you know, more open to sharing their story. And, you know, we got this, you're not alone. You're not alone. So. Yeah. I love that. I love that so much. And I'm so grateful that we, that our paths have crossed. And I'm so grateful for the work that you put out in the world and your heart. I can see it in every design.
I just, I can feel your warmth and your, your love for others. And I just, I'm inspired by how you talk about loving yourself. And I like love, love, love the idea. You've reminded me to keep up with that affirmations. I can, I can. Absolutely. It's called I Am, and it has changed my life. And I do want to quickly give a shout out to my therapist. Yes. Therapist, we love you. I love you so much. You know who you are. Thank you for putting up with my dark days.
Thank you for listening to the podcast. That's amazing. I love that so much. I, yeah, I'm just, I'm just really glad to know you. And I'm so glad that you're here. And I'm so glad that you chose, even in those dark, dark times, to continue showing up. I mean, I know you didn't have a choice, but you are so resilient and brave and strong. And I can see that. And I can see that in your vulnerability. And that makes me feel safe and comfortable being your friend.
And I can feel that through your page. And even like wearing your shirt and the bracelet that your mom made. Are you kidding me? It just feels like a warm hug. And I just want those that are watching or listening to know that you can feel that too. And go and, you know, support Missy. We've got the website down there. Go and, yeah, run, don't walk, buy all the things. Let's support our friend that is doing her life's purpose in a beautiful and authentic way.
And so, yay! And so, Missy, I would love to just wrap up the podcast with, if there is someone listening right now that is in the pit and the lowest of low, or in the highest of highs and struggling and angry, what would something that you would like to say to them? You, I would say, remember when you thought you couldn't get through it and you didn't last time? You're going to do it again. And it's okay to not be okay, but you're never alone.
And you know I believe in you is all I want you know I hope you believe in yourself but I believe in you too oh I'm so passionate about it I love it so much this is the the best space to be passionate and emotional and I I mean it when I say it I'm so glad you you exist and this has been such a lovely time together and you will not be able to get rid of me because now we are friends forever. Yeah, I know. Exclamation point. So yes, I'm so excited. I'm so grateful. And thank you so much.
Yeah, this is bipolar. Thanks again. Music.