GOING DEEPER: Advocacy and Healing with Lee Formella

Music. Conversations with. My name is Shaylee Kukendorn and I live with bipolar 2 disorder.

Sharing with others is healing both individually and collectively. Sharing our stories will educate others, bring more understanding, shed more light and smash more stigma. Our voices need to be heard. Our stories aren't over yet. This is Bipolar. Hey everyone, just before we start the show, I wanted to let you know that some of these episodes are the episodes called Going Deeper.

I started recording them a year and a half ago, not sure if I was going to start a Patreon and then subscriptions came along on Instagram and I decided that the subscribers are going to get these episodes four weeks before everybody else. But I have a whole backlog of them. So I wanted to start sharing them with you all. They are inspiring and powerful and interesting and brave. And what I love about it is that there is an episode telling this person's entire story.

And then we do the going deeper on a specific topic. And so when these come up, I really encourage you to go back and watch the original. Conversations with episode with each of these guests and then going deeper because it might, you might get confused or you might just want to know more about them. And so another thing is you might hear language like Patreon or you might hear me say, we just recorded or the last recording because I wasn't sure what I was going to do with them at the time.

And so I'm so excited to get them out there. I will be probably putting up around one a month. And so this is what I'm going to share with you.

Care of yourself, take some deep breaths, and let's go deeper together. This is Bipolar. Hi, everyone. Thank you for being here. I just did an amazing interview and learned all about Lee from at benefits underscore of underscore bipolar. I got it. And heard his entire story. And we're going to do our exclusive episode right now about how Lee started his advocacy, where that led him. And I'm really excited because I don't know all of the things either.

So, Lee, before we get started could you just introduce yourself a little bit yeah so leave from ella she already said where where you can find me i'm yeah basically i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a little over four years ago almost four and a half years ago basically just love spending as much time with my family and friends the few that i have you got to be careful with those the older you get got to make sure no but i do spend a lot of time online talking

to people from sharing my story.

Yeah it's just trying to stay trying to stay stable that's what a lot of the the blood energy goes into staying stable eating healthy working out doing all the right things so yeah i love that i love that and if you go back and listen to the episode he tells us so many nuggets of goodness that will that if you're going to repeat everything again no awkward like kind of no i want to hear so i want to hear when like when did you decide you were going to start sharing online?

What was like the catalyst for that? And tell me how it went. I would encourage people if they want a good laugh to go back to the beginning of my feed. But I'll get to that in a second. I just did it yesterday. It hurts. Like it hurts. I'm going. It's you really should. But anyways, I'll get into that. How would that actually look like in a second? So it really started once I started finally doing a little bit better.

It was probably about a year and a half ago, two years or yeah, probably a year and a half ago. So it was heading into the summer, fall of 22 and I was like, okay, I think I'm doing a little bit better.

Now what was the first time in my life that I had time in my head and in my day to consider what else I might want to do that wasn't requiring like being freaking out about what I was going to do next or I said something wrong in the previous conversation or was I going to freak out at work that night or whatever. So I finally had a little bit of time and I was like, what do I want to do? I want to do something. I want to help.

I'd like to know more and see if I can help the other people with bipolar disorder. But I was still at a complete loss, right? No idea. I had never been involved in any kind of community events, organizations, anything, because that would have required leaving the house sober. Never was going to happen. I started talking to my girlfriend and my psychiatric APMP.

And fortunately she knew or was well familiar with not me the national alliance of mental illness and that was the fox valley affiliate by me there in wisconsin and i was like sure do you have anybody and she's no i don't really know anybody but just reach out.

And email i'm like okay fine so i probably waited another couple months before i built up the courage to send an email to them and say hey i live with bipolar and i want to help a little bit they they said yeah we would like more people to share their story and so i was like really so you want me to speak in front of people that's what you get sounds good so that that november september october i started writing my story i actually wrote it

in madison i went back down there my girlfriend was there wrote it in the old union that i went to school in that i like was the scene of all my chaos and it was really like cathartic and so it was really cool so that makes you feel a bit better and then then i actually went through a major depression and like it was the worst one that i'd gone through in years so this is december of 22 no november of 22 right around thanksgiving kind of some family stuff happened

and i was in those like suicidal thought patterns just really didn't think i was ever it was like wow if this can happen now again after i've been feeling better yeah what the hell is the point you know i mean what like but that turned into what i have to lose so because i was already writing my story.

But a year before that, I bought a website on Google, benefitsofbipolar.com. Nice. The quarterback is there. I was like, maybe I can write something and make it sound better than it is. It's bipolar, but maybe there's something good about it. Who knows? I still didn't have it. So December of 22, I was like, all right, I'm going to write a blog. So I designed my little website at Google and wrote a blog post. And then how is anybody going to find my blog?

Yeah. I jumped on Instagram and followed a couple of people. And I'm like, I guess maybe I could try a post. So that brings me back to the start of this. Yes. Back to December, I think like 10th or something, 2022.

You will see the first of a handful of posts that were created on either my phone notes app or microsoft word and by word whatever the google version of doc like google docs that's how i was creating posts because i didn't know anything so one of them is just like vendetta yeah they're so bad but the first one i'm so proud of because it was super vulnerable.

And i got a lot of i was terrified i don't know what it was like for you the first time you posted nobody in my life really knew i had bipolar disorder than it was close to me so i was putting it out onto public and so the minute i hit that and it's oh all of a sudden you get, people saying holy cow that's incredible that's incredible that you said that or hey i actually know somebody or wow if you need anything or whatever so i was like okay that didn't go horribly so.

My girlfriend introduced me to Canva and made the first couple of posts for me. And then I was like, okay, but I want it like this, but I want it like this. So then I took over the Canva and started making my own posts. And then I shared my story twice. The first two times I shared my story. But before that, I was like, how am I going to get practice? How am I going to get practice?

Well, I guess I'll make a video. So if you go back to that time about January, February, you see my first couple of reels, which are also, they're still not great.

Chile like i don't do all the beautiful editing you do and like i just talk and say what i think is valuable information or something that might resonate with people back then i was even really bad at that so if you want to laugh go watch the first couple ones of those as well just what the first like 10 posts on my page at all were just unbelievably terrible but they kept getting better, people kept reaching out and i'm glad i made those videos because in the first

time i talked in front of a room full of people, I felt a little bit better. And so it was just this weird effort. I have nothing to lose.

I applied for jobs and I never was able to get work figured out. Yeah. Always just disappointment. I ended up working in bars, which is fine for a lot of people, but I knew it wasn't good for me and my routine.

And I just didn't want to be doing it anymore and that's the best thing i ever did because from that point forward everything i've done since then has been new everything i've tried has been new and every single thing has been rewarding it's the best decision i ever made i used to be super embarrassed telling people that i have an instagram account and that's where i talk to people and that's where my community of people is and now i tell other people they should get one if they're

at all interested and because if you curate it the right way you get a lot of really good information you can get a lot of really positive information you know what I mean and stuff like that and so at first I just wanted to be a part of that and I'm glad I did it just all just was totally organic and when I think. The first three months or so at under 90 followers. And so it was just literally just like, okay, this is fun.

The two people that I haven't talked to in five years that are following me, it was worth it. And then I'll run from college reach out. I'm like, this is so worth it. I'm just going to keep going. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? So sometimes it's hard, right? Too, because our brains, just everybody likes recognition or whatever. Sometimes I'm like, yeah, when you don't grow or things like that happen, sometimes you can get feel like, oh, I'm doing this.

And even though I was always like for the one, once it started growing, you get like into the group.

And I remember my friend saying, cause the other day, I don't know why I was comparing myself to something else and i was like oh how many i'm never all the things and she said okay that's you for a lot of people if that makes you feel better you're that person to a lot of people shaley so that just know that right now a lot of people are comparing themselves on their page and they're everything to you oh that means a lot i will remember that i'm gonna

tuck that away in my heart please do yeah and so she said okay let's google a few places that hold the amount of followers you have even like you said 90 90 people in a room having 90 people's ear right even if they only look at it once or twice that's a lot of people and then have a little bit more than that and. I have more than that but not nearly as many years.

But don't worry about it but that's why we looked up and it would fill, it would we looked up and it would fill the stadium in vancouver and my friend sent me that and she's don't take your stuff off the internet no and i was like oh okay or one person was upset with me i get so i don't get much hate on the internet because usually when you share something like that you don't sometimes bots but i have a few holistic folks oh that yeah that claim

cure i've had some trouble with some holistic viewers lately yes the cures and then making it not safe for my followers by every post asking them you could feel different dm me and so i've had to have hard conversations and i'm not very good at blocking people but i've had to make some put some boundaries and I was ruminating over that and she's okay picture your stadium that is two people I was like oh yeah okay it's okay like it's

the criticism or whatever like I always I'm like I'm not gonna hold on to that I'm gonna hold on to the other besties that I've made and so I don't know what even started that but that is my story yeah.

I love it lost in that story but yes and i finally got my first couple trolls on youtube because i put up i put up a short like a 15 second video that was literally like hey if you're having a hard time as a man finding a girlfriend or you yeah the secret yeah yes a couple gentlemen there decided that they had their opinions and one of them was like always that was his name and i just my response was just sometimes it's all in a name yeah

this information might not be for you i wish you all the best yeah i just i find one little way of getting a little. Positive and then you just say hey thanks for coming if you ever want to talk it through let me know yeah totally i love that sometimes you just gotta block the healers because i i really don't like that. I really don't like that because I've listened to Dr. Gabe Howard and Dr. Nicole and their podcast and I love it. And anybody you ask, no, it's not curable.

There's not freaking regimen we can go on or we would all be on that regimen and none of us would be taking medication. And all the big business will have bought it.

If there was a cure, it would probably be on the shelf in walmart i'm just saying if i have to buddy up with big pharma to feel the way i do i'm gonna i'll sleep right next to them yeah yeah it's true because it's the proof is there for the thousands of people that i talk to that take medication and it isn't yeah and it isn't a cure right i had someone i was speaking to a bunch of educational assistants about children that with mental health

disorders and she was like but you take the medicine how come you still get and And I was like, that's one thing that's really hard for people to understand. It helps, but it doesn't take it away. It's not like Advil. It doesn't. We are probably going to have in some way, some kind of episode again or symptoms. And so I just, yeah. And do I think that I take vitamins? I do. It's not that. It's just I do that.

But I'm not cured. Like those were those cured words. And also, too, generally, when I look into it, they're trying to sell you something. And I have been tricked. You're so desperate. I like thousands of dollars on naturopathic things that didn't work that made me feel bad about myself because these people are telling me it's going to work that I just must be a screw up. And so we're actually pretty vulnerable. It's just negative messaging. It's you're not. Oh, you can do it on your own.

I have. it's no i'm doing great on my own actually yeah it's super harmful yeah it's super harmful and yeah oh we got derailed there sorry but yeah that's no i think it's important because i think it let watch this i'm going to tie it back you're going to be wowed so that ties back into sharing your story there are going to be some people out there that don't love you or might say some things But honestly,

the small amount of people for the great amount of healing and benefit, benefits of bipolar. See that? See what I did there? It's a benefit. We found one for all those people who say there aren't any. There are some. Yeah. So it brings it around. Do you like that? I was really impressed with myself. Thank you so much. I think, too, one thing people see is they're like, oh, you guys are speaking on stages or telling the interwebs.

And I tell people advocacy is telling one person that didn't know. Absolutely. Yes. Have the hard conversation. One, one, or just one, like advocate for yourself. Yep. Somebody says something that they're assuming you're, oh, you must be. No, I'm not at times. Yeah. Teach people things. That's all we're trying to do. Yeah. That's all we're trying to do. Yeah. Yeah. Some of us are just to put it online for all the sheep for literally no reason most of the time.

They're like, oh, you're so brave. You're doing stuff for other people. And I'm like, yeah, but the secret also is I'm doing it for me. Yeah. I'm doing it for me. I didn't have any folks around me that lived with bipolar disorder knowing that there's other people out there.

The power of the me too when someone says me too or I get it or I too have bought money on ridiculous hobbies or and spent my savings on right and I can actually laugh because I don't want people that don't understand to laugh at me but me and you we can have a good laugh about the ridiculous things we've done, Yes. Yes. I'll even let you judge me a little bit. That's okay. I'll let you, but nobody else can.

It's nice. I can say to you, I said some really terrible shit to my family and you'll understand. I'll say that to a normal typical person. Oh, we all have. And I'm like, really? You've called your data. Yeah. No, I haven't. I did like for 10 years. Not all the time. I also told him I loved him and I was sorry. Yeah, it is. And I think what people don't understand, sometimes I wish so much my illness would have a physical symptom of bleeding because people are going to find sympathy for that.

But people don't find sympathy for anger outbursts. No, I agree. I always feel bad saying that because it feels, but it's true. Yeah. If there was a physical way of it showing, we would all be treated entirely differently. But it's because they can't see it, they can't understand it. And for some people, thank God, not all. And we have so many allies that care so deeply and learn so hard. And the amount of family members who reach out, I love too, because that just

shows how much they care, how deeply they care and how deeply they want to understand. But, You can't, unless you're in it. Unless you've experienced it.

Yeah. I love that. So true. Yeah, it does. That's what I try to explain to people. And then it makes it even more complicated because, and yet, we also have to take responsibility, right? And it's not our fault. And yet, I can't just go off, right? And if I do, I need to repair the best I can.

Yeah. Absolutely. absolutely i love that i love that you are now working for nami i think that's so cool it led to actually not just speaking for them you're like working in a paid position with the organization yeah love it's wild yeah i got really lucky and that it just goes to show find what you love it's one of those another one of those cliches and i was told that a thousand times in my life don't worry about the money

don't do this and it turns out that spending a year and a half of my life just doing what i love and doing what i care about set me up for when i will this work for everybody probably not but it does the amount of contacts that you get and the amount of people who want to take care of you and do something for you when you put yourself out there just grows too the people who want to help not in a sad way oh i want they truly want to help

because they see how hard you're trying yeah they see how seriously you're taking it and so i got really lucky finding when as soon as i moved here i reached out to nami locally and i said i just want to help yeah if you can put me to work i don't have a job i want to speak going out or whatever and so i got in with them there i gave probably four about presentations over the last handful of months and thank goodness for what i made an impression enough of one at least so that

when position came open i applied and so i get to do now education programming for my local nine so So I'm going to. This is the weirdest thing to say, by the way, if anybody lives around here and wants to, please do it. But no, I'm so underqualified, but I'm going to figure it out. I'm actually going to be training speakers and implementing programs and we'll actually have, I feel it like we, it's not just me. I feel like we now have a say on how we're shown and on an education level.

I'm just so excited to be able to take the knowledge I have, take the knowledge I have from other people like you.

And they hopefully someday work with organizations and you know get the information where it needs to be into the schools into the businesses because what people don't realize is just because you don't have a mental health everything you and i or mental illness everything you and i have talked about today will help yep it's true it'll make you a better husband it'll make you a better partner it'll make you a better like community member and that's i love that earlier it's a community community.

The only way it's all going to get better is if we accept the fact that mental illness is in every family. Yeah. Or more or less. And you know what I read the other day that gave me hope is to, I was reading, because I had to do a presentation and I was talking about how we all have mental health, but some of us have mental illness. But I read this and I always thought, oh, I'll never have good mental health because I have mental illness.

But I read, I actually do have good mental health because I'm forced pretty much to do this, that, and all the things that keep you mentally well. Whereas there's someone that might not have a mental illness and they're not taking care of their mental health. And I was like, it felt like I'm winning. I put up a clip today that I found in a training video on YouTube.

I actually clipped it out and put it on my channel. that's just because you live a bipolar doesn't mean you don't have better or more optimal mental health than somebody who doesn't live with bipolar or mental illness because you're forced to do it and so you and i were on the same page all day so love it love it i yell at my dad all the time you can ask him i hope he watches this he won't but i wish he would i have better mental health than he does he is what.

More like way better successfully yeah and.

You know in pretty much every way but that man has no idea what he's feeling at any point in time of the day and doesn't know what yeah that's like i'm surrounded by i'm the first one in my family that sought any kind of help and so now things are coming out and they're coming to me but also i come from a family of different trauma that were carpet sweepers with the different traumas in their life right they grew up in a time they weren't allowed to talk to it or couldn't shame their family

and yeah they're that's not mentally healthy and it's coming out now so i love that you said that and how beautiful that we can be an example we can be leaders in the field we can you know what i would go far as we are i think it's coming yeah you definitely are you definitely are but in the buildings i think i think it's coming around where yeah people like you hopefully people like us will get a seat at the table when they're talking about

treatments yeah when they're talking about best practices because those are the voices that they need in there yeah yeah there's and there's yeah there's a lot of doctors there's a lot of this but people don't realize that i wanted to hear like what it felt in people's bodies not just the list of things yeah what am i capable of what am i not capable of yeah i asked four therapists that question all of them looked at me Like I was like from a different planet. No.

Yeah. I get a real job. Yeah. Can I have a girlfriend? Can I get married? Can I have kids? You know what I mean? That's why I think what you're doing is so incredible because you're showing people like, yes. Yeah. You can. Great. Y'all, I have teenagers and I'm doing okay. Okay. And you're still like, you're putting out two podcasts about it. Still, yeah. Oh, I love this conversation so much. I'm so happy. My friends here, go and follow Lee, connect with Lee.

I'm excited to watch your journey at NAMI. And yeah, if we could support each other in any way, I just, I look forward to working together because I told you before, because now that we've had this amazing conversation and had a heart connection, you are now in the circle of besties. Besties. That's all that matters. I'm always here. If you ever have a good idea or a bad idea, I'll be part of your bad idea with you too. It doesn't matter.

I don't have much of an embarrassment factor anymore. yeah oh i know i'm here for it i know and i think that's important too before i wrap up is that put yourself out there you said it's some of my first things or my like when i tried reels and i'm like doing my mouth isn't going with the sound at the same time that's always awesome but you know what some of the posts that i just don't even that just come to me and i don't perfect or anything like

that have been the ones that are the most powerful i think people just want on authenticity and to show up so you really can do it yeah yeah all right friend thank you for spending this time with me and i look forward to hanging out soon and i will see you on the internet absolutely absolutely we'll talk soon thanks shaley this is bipolar thanks again for tuning in. You can find video versions of This Is Bipolar on our YouTube channel.

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