Welcome to Conversations With. My name is Shaylee Huggendorn and I live with Bipolar II Disorder. Sharing with others is healing both individually and collectively. Sharing our stories will educate others, bring more understanding, shed more light, and smash more stigma. Our voices need to be heard. Our stories aren't over yet. This is Bipolar. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to This is Bipolar. I still have my friend Leah Charles King here.
If you're just listening now go back and listen to the other one because she tells her story she inspires us it was a mic drop episode so go back immediately immediately go back i wanted to do oh and if you didn't listen to it i will tell you leah is a tv presenter she's been in for presenting for 25 years she's in a place in place in the sun which is a very popular show in the UK, which we are all going to go and watch.
And yeah, just been in broadcasting. And if you go back and listen, you can hear some deets about the girl band she was in. So Leah, thank you for doing extra recording. I so, so appreciate you. And I hope everybody knows that we are now best friends. So you will have to come back. Yes, you will have to be back. I'll be back for sure. It's great to have a part two. I mean, I feel like I should have changed outfits. Yeah, right. I know.
Yeah. When I used to have my co-host, Julie, we would, because she had like, we'd clear a day and we would batch record and we would literally change. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's the best way. It's so fun. Yeah. It was so fun. Yeah. That's awesome. Awesome. Well, in this second part, we wanted to talk about, we are recording this right in Mental Health May, and I am going to get it out.
We wanted to talk about misconceptions, about the biggest misconceptions that, well, I mean, there's so many, but the biggest misconceptions that we would like people to, we just like to smash the stigma around them during this month when, you know, we need to talk about it all the time. Leah's talking about it all the time. But in this time, I feel like we have a little bit more of a listening ear.
So I wanted to get those misconceptions out there to those listening ears that maybe are being a little bit more open to listening to folks that have bipolar disorder. So Leah, I'd love to start with you. What is one that comes to mind first about that people think about people with bipolar disorder that are not true?
Oh god I mean there's so many yeah put me on the spot I'm trying to like one that's probably never been said but it's no point trying to think of something different yeah the biggest misconception, I think is that yeah like you're you're crazy yeah let's just say that you know you're crazy people think people bipolar are crazy they write us off yeah quite often and that's definitely not true you know I I always look at people it's funny and I always say to people I'm one of
the sanest most insane people you can make me that's the case if I'm on paper supposed to be insane yeah whatever these words mean right yeah because you're all mad not me yeah not them the world is mad sometimes I feel yeah I look and I go I feel like I'm the most balanced person around it obviously I couldn't say that about myself 10-15 years ago and for those who didn't watch part one go and watch part one you'll hear more of my story there but now at the place that I'm at,
And the kind of balance that I really, you know, that I really strive for. Sometimes I sit back and I look at people and I say, yeah, I've got it more together. You know what? You know what? I've actually been mulling this over the last year. It was probably my therapist that said it. Shout out to Audrey. Something about actually people that are managing serious mental illness. I mean, they're all serious. Mental illness are actually that self-awareness.
She said you can have mental illness and have good mental health and I was like mind blown because I thought well obviously I have bad mental health if I have a mental illness but we are. Forced we are forced to be if we want to be well to be self-reflective to be doing self-care community care we have to be aware to be able to be well and there are some people they don't have a mental illness but they walk through life not doing things that keep them well No, babe, babe, honestly.
I mean, shout out to Audrey. That's what she told you because Audrey...
Is on point honey like Audrey is on that is so deep and profound and so right because on paper I have a mental illness I've got bipolar I'm not going to deny it I'm not going to say oh I'm well so I no longer have it that's dangerous right so I don't do that however because of the work because of the constant self-reflecting the self like we are deep thinkers and when you get to the point of wellness or you make a decision to be well and you start
putting in all the things you have to do like what I said, my 25 steps, and you start doing those things towards mental wellness, then that means, does that mean I'm no longer mentally ill? So deep, what Audrey said, I still have bipolar though, but I'm mentally well. And actually, when I look at some of my peers, my friends, my family, and just people in society, they don't have a diagnosis of anything.
They're perfectly quote unquote well. I'm the unwell one. I'm the one with the disability, with the mental illness. They're really well. And yet they have no self-awareness. Yet they aren't even in a position like me where they can even go deep in the mind.
They yeah and that blows my mind to be honest with you it's really my mind yeah yeah yeah that blows my next time you speak to Audrey tell her thanks for that I will I will carry that with me oh well I don't know she's actually so amazing and one time she's what she's listened a couple times so yeah oh that's really nice she's the best it took me a long time to find a good therapist I think another yeah a misconception is and you touched on it and what you just said is that
this idea of that we're entirely healed, or I think people, I even had, I was presenting. At a college of people that want to be EAs, educational assistants that work with the kids that have a bit more tricky needs. And I was talking and someone put up their hand, they're like, but you take medicine, are you not better? And I was like, so this is a misconception that we're going to be immediately better, right? It's not Advil and a headache and goes away.
It is chronic. It is uncurable at this point in time. We are going to have symptoms again. And do the meds help us? Yeah. Saved my life. Saved my life. But it's not, it like mutes things and makes it so that I can actually do the management skills that I need to do. We can't just take medication to be well. And we can't just rely that that is like, we're not, I'm on a healing journey.
That's how I put it. Because when people say I'm healed or all I'm like, because it trickles back in, I still have periods of things. I get little bumps of hypomania and I had long periods of like, honestly, zero depression for bipolar. Right. Like getting sad because something sad happened isn't depression, right? That's right. We have to learn the difference. Exactly. Exactly, right? And so that's a big misconception is that all the symptoms should be gone because we take medication.
I agree yeah another another misconception that people have asked me before is like particularly again if people listen into part one we touched on like our spiritual beliefs and things like that I've had people come to me and say well then it's a bipolar a possession are you possessed by evil yep yeah I that I mean you're like and the thing is like I said to you again in part one you know my walk with God is pretty good my walk with God is is is better
than a lot of people that I see who are going to church and doing all what looks good for the out for the community they wear the clothes they look really yeah carry their bible called their family and behind closed doors it's dark af you know yeah and actually the way God has created me or the way I feel I've been created is I'm fearfully wonderfully made I am me I am me and I spent years beating myself over the head about that and now actually
when you come to a point of self-love and self-understanding that's a major part of healing as well major part so that was yeah that's that's true and just the arriving right like I I always had this I just was never good enough because I thought that you arrived at everything. Like I thought there was this destination and I could just never get to it. Like, when am I going to fully love myself?
Well, to this day, I still struggle, but I have some self-love and it, to me, it's choosing it over and over and over again.
Cause my brain does lie to me. It's muted and I can get it to take the back seat right I call I call my anxiety Agnes anxiety I'm like Agnes get on to the back seat we're moving on I'm not fit in this negative thought with you and uh it's I think it's the showing up and choosing wellness I know yeah sorry of all things no I tried to get yeah because I had to think of it as something bad things about Agnes yeah so I had to think Agnes showed up because she thought she was trying to help,
right, in times that I was doing, you know, terrible. But I think it's like choosing to combat those thoughts over and over. And I see why people do want to give up sometimes. I don't think it's this far off thing. I don't judge. I don't want people to feel like that. But I get that it's just overwhelming to have to and exhausting to have to choose, choose, choose, but it's worth it. It's exhausting, honey. It's really exhausting. The whole journey is exhausting, you know?
But eventually it can get better and that's what I think we have to hold on to and when it does get better you know hopefully we ride that wave for as long as we can but then just know that it's never perfect there will be dips but if we can maintain our mental our physical and our, emotional health and we can set boundaries because sometimes it's the people that around us we need to set boundaries with we need to set boundaries in our
workplaces we need to set boundaries among our friendship, when we set boundaries among our relationships. These are big keys because you know, sometimes you could be fighting all you want for your mental wellbeing. And then some other mofo across the road is going to come and bring you down. Those are the boundary. That's when you need to lay those boundaries. I got to a point where I just thought, I can't allow other people to do things that make me switch.
And do you know what I mean? Draws me back, either draws me down or makes me fall backwards because I'm making too much progress. For me, it wasn't just about career accolades. That's all well and good. But ultimately, it's about what happens behind closed doors. I'd be on live TV hosting every night a game show. Do you know how many times while I'm hosting this game show, unscripted, unrehearsed, unrevised, completely live, I'll be la-la-la-la-la-la, and in my head, I'm planning my...
How I'm going to take my life. I'm planning how I'm going to leave at 3am and I'm going to go home and I'm going to do X, Y, Z, because, you know, that's how the mind kind of works. And I had to learn, you know, I really had to learn ways of getting out of that. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that that's true too. And I think one thing is the misconception is that mania and hypomania is just Just good, fun, creative, and just wonderful.
And because you've been depressed and other things, it seems wonderful and parts of it are wonderful. Even this spring, I was like, everything was brighter and beautiful, and that's good. So in my mind, I didn't ever acknowledge the bad parts that came with it, which is like the irritability, the fact that people can't keep up. The fact that I had too many ideas, because I think that people think that are very afraid to go on medication, it's going to take away our creativity.
And yes, it does. I have less ideas, but the ideas and the things I have, I can follow through and I can strive for a hell of an amount of excellence.
Excellence and so that's what I say when people are like I don't want it to take away my creativity it actually takes like chaotic creativity and for me I can funnel it what do you think about that do you feel the same or do you have a different outlook I think I'm with you there I'm totally with you I think the same I feel like you know there is that misconception that obviously the medication will sort of stunt the mind it will dull you or whatever and
I do get that yeah but you have to also have the balance of if like me you're going to put yourself in danger then that medication was important because I can have all the ideas in the world but if I'm putting myself in danger I'm going to end up dead then it's not going to be worth it right yeah do you know I mean I had to learn whatever but actually what I found for me is it's not I never stopped having ideas I I still have it.
Although I'm in a phase at the moment, which I'm finding difficult in terms of somewhere along the line, I've stopped myself from allowing myself to dream and think how I used to think. Medication life that sort of battered me. I always said I wasn't going to let anyone dim my light. And I've got all these ideas. Do you know how many ideas I've had TV ideas program. And then I see them on the TV 10 years on 15 years on 20 years on from when I can set to them in my mind. Yeah.
Like and I tried I tried to get about life and opportunities never came my way I banged on doors I've always been about this yeah and there were loads of reasons right why I didn't get those opportunities I never have the green-eyed monster for other people because our lives are our lives right so yeah but it hurts it doesn't stop and so I think by way of protecting myself I've did my own life which is something that I said I wouldn't let the world do so I
haven't let the world do it it also I thought but in a way it has because I've just digged it just so that just to kind of clean myself and and now sometimes I feel myself at a place I'm like okay I'm fine I've got a good job you know I've got my career but I'm much more than that I'm much more than that and there's so much more that I want to do but do I dare to dream anymore and and dreaming is what me going all my life really dreaming of a better day dreaming of a better life dreaming of a
better future future so I fear sometimes and this is me sharing my fears I haven't shared with anyone yeah you know especially of where I'm at right now you know sometimes I feel like do I still dare to dream it breaks my heart it breaks my heart because on one side I can see why I'm doing it is to protect myself but when did I start when did I when did this start when did I start doing this how did I I get you and and.
It goes back to what we were saying about our thoughts and how we think and how we think big and how we have all the ideas but also for me it wasn't the medication that suppressed me the world suppressed me and then initially and then to protect myself I started suppressing myself although I was out and proud and saying hey look at me and I'm doing great things and I'm best and I'm working but somewhere along the line I've still been suppressing
myself And I've only just really come to that conclusion quite recently. But I also think it's society. I think the way society is going, particularly in the UK, I feel like, particularly around the world, I'm not going to lie, I feel like...
Kind of doing it people are struggling people are struggling doesn't matter who you are people are struggling yeah and I think that the pandemic shone a big light on that I think people were covering it up that's my point and the shone a big light hey because I remember like I had a friend that said to me oh my goodness the anxiety that I feel about this do you feel that like all the time or a lot. And I'm like, yep.
Welcome to my world. It's funny because in the pandemic was the only time that I actually chilled. Everyone was freaking out. I wasn't freaking out because I've been in the house for years. I've already lived that life. I've been in my own lockdown in my brain. You know, like there was nothing that at that point anyone could tell.
In fact, it kind of, I felt relief that the world had to stop because it constantly felt like Like the world was turning, everyone was out there doing stuff and I was stuck. And I, you know, everyone was achieving and I was depressed at home. And now, well, everyone's got to be at home too. So we're all in the same position. So I actually felt the pressure come off me, particularly in the beginning when it felt ticked off.
It was a bit of a novelty for everyone because we were all baking banana bread, going for nice walks. And it was a bit of a holiday, wasn't it? And then by the second sort of lockdown, that's when people started going, OK, this isn't funny anymore.
You know we need to get out yeah and it was hard it was it was hard then but yeah in the beginning I was feeling like a villain mate I was well happy to have permission to sit at home and not have to leave my house because actually people think I'm really out going whatever I am to a degree in my mind when there's reason when there's not you'll find me at home you will find me I'm a homebody I'm not this big.
Out there, celeb that people think I am. I am a homebody. I like my home. I like my sofa. And for everyone to be locked down, it meant that I had permission to do that without guilt. Yeah. Yeah. And then too, like it gave me permission because I had a bit of hypomanic energy because I was like, see everybody, the world, like I've seen the world as hard. I was just like, see this. I felt like people were seeing it. Like I felt like people just go along in their everyday lives and whatever.
Meanwhile, internally, I'm like, see the hard things, right? So it felt like, I don't know, there was a bit of relief in it. And actually, like we, Julie and I, we, once the world shut down, we were just going to do something for World Bipolar Day. We literally were going to do a collab on Instagram. And we met on Facebook. I had met her in person one time before I interviewed her at a speaking engagement. And by the end of that Facebook, that was like two and a half hours, we had our show.
And then we put it out. Yeah, so we were able to harness that energy in within COVID, right? Instead of like, I could have easily spiraled, right? And so yeah, I think it shone a light, And it actually, some people in my life were actually understood a part of me that, that they couldn't before. They didn't understand what it would, what it felt like to feel like the world was ending, which I feel regularly. Which we felt over and over and over again. Like we've been in it for years, right?
So people, you're right. It was like, suddenly people were feeling what we felt. And I guess that's where the sense of relief came from. I was like, oh, not that I ever wished it on my own words. No, no, I hear you.
Gave a sense of maybe you guys might get it a little bit now so ironically like I said in that moment I was able to go oh oh yeah I don't feel so much pressure right now everyone kind of is getting it yeah and you're like I know what to do I know what to do whereas everyone was trying to figure out breathing techniques and all the things were like we have to do this yes we knew it yeah I knew what to do. That's right. It's pretty wild. Yeah, we have to close. Yeah. Thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, okay, this is one thing I wanted to ask you. Being in the TV industry and being in media. How do you feel about the misconceptions or what do you think are big misconceptions. In media and pop culture and movies about folks with bipolar disorder? Disorder such a disservice like movies and shows how do you feel about that because I don't know like you probably have some different shows but you probably see some of this obviously the same big hits that that I do right.
Give me some example. Okay. So do you notice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So do you notice, I notice that a lot of times, especially the people my age and as a mom in movie, I'll be able to tell that they're going to say they're bipolar before they are because all of a sudden they're dating someone younger. They've left their guy. They're always freaking painters, right? And free spirits. And I just feel like this is such, such a stereotype, right?
Or we're always bad or violent or do you know what I mean? Like I want, I long for a show, one that shows it in a good, like in a light, good light. And then also I long for shows for those characters that have bipolar disorder that that's not the story. That's not the story. Exactly. They just so happen to have it. Right. There's this new show. I think Bipolar UK did a lot of the consultancy on it. A new drama on a sort of comedy drama on Channel 4, which is the same channel that my show is on.
I watched the first episode and it was, it stars the girl from Bridgerton, one of the girls from Bridgerton, who was also in Derry Girls. I've forgotten her name, but she's such a great actress. The blonde one? She has, yes, her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I really like her. And she plays that. And it was very funny.
And, and you know what? they did it in a good way that it was kind of like you know those things of bipolar that nobody really wants to talk about but that happens so for example sorry i don't know why i'm laughing at this and i'm not saying this is typically bipolar thing but it really could be so for example she's having a manic episode yeah he's been invited to her school to go and give a speech of how well she's doing in life uh you know
it's the first episode so we don't really know that much about the character she's took her out for whatever but really in her mind she's not going going back to that she's going back she remembers having a crush on the teacher and now she's older she's like yeah i'm gonna whatever you know she ends up going there doing the speech but then ends up in his office and she literally has sex with him and then the wife walks in now i know
it's super extreme yeah but just the fact that it could go from going to a school to give a speech to how does it go from that to having sex with the headmaster and like that quick but in the world in mania things move pretty quickly yeah I don't know how I was thinking I was reflecting. You know, my journey here of how different things that I've done, some that I speak about, some that I'll take to the grave. Yeah. And I think, how did that happen?
Like, how did that actually, how did that go from zero to 100 so quick? And I'm not necessarily talking about sex or hypersexuality, because that's a real thing in bi-partnership. It is, it's a real thing. But things like, like we said in part one, spending, overspending, you know, those sort of like mind games of the auctions that I'd be doing on eBay and things like that. You know, it's like, how do I go from zero to 100 so quick?
Or I'd be perfectly fine. Somebody says one thing and I'm like, sometimes I feel like I have the strength of 10 men and I'll just be like, you know, and all this wrath will come out. How do you go from zero to 100? Yeah, for sure. It's not always like that. It could just be like that in the situation. So that's a really good show. Oh, that is a good show. And I think that, you know, Even in the stereotypes, there is truth in them.
I think my, the sadness that I have about some of them is just that it doesn't show any other side. So then it's all, we're always like this. So then you, it's, it perpetuates this idea that we can't live, you know, what people would call, there's not a better word, but like normal life or when we live in euthymia where we were symptom free.
And I think it just showing other things I mean it doesn't if you don't understand it they'll think that's where we live all the time like a lot of people are like well which one are you today because you're because we always have to be but you know hypomanic romantic and we always have to be depressed where I had years with barely any symptoms or nothing yeah so I think my thing is I want and that's what I love about you and how you're open because you do these shows and these
things and they're not about your bipolar disorder but yet you're saying you have bipolar disorder and yeah there's a few it's important yeah and there's a few shows here that because i'm a big reader and so they were adaptations from the book and then they put bipolar characters in that weren't in the book and they're memoirs right of this other thing i'm thinking of this series called made and they added that for entertainment value into her the adaptation of her movie
like Like we're entertainment. The extreme part is entertainment. Anyways, I get very, I get emotional about it. Cause I'm like, just show other things because we want people to understand our experience, but yet not, it's not all that we are. Does that make sense? Well, it makes complete sense. I think a lot of people as well, misconceptions believe that with bipolar, yes, it is mood swings, obviously, but it's not like in seconds.
I think a big misconception, people think one minute you're like. It doesn't, it doesn't happen that way. You're not going from laughter to tears in 30 seconds, like, come on. And that's often the way it's portrayed almost like and I don't want to do a disservice to those who have schizophrenia but almost in that and it doesn't even work that way in schizophrenia either.
You know or they think it's like a some kind of personality disorder or something they literally think you're Jekyll and Hyde I've had that a lot so if I say to somebody I meet somebody and I say have polo do you know what that is they're like oh it just means that you're you're happy one one minute and you're sad the next i'm like no it's a lot more than than that then you know i'm not happy that just makes me sound a bit crazy and by the way i'm not crazy that's the middle section yeah society
tells you people with bipolar and that is why what we do is so important to normalize it you know i'm not saying that it's a pain nobody wants to have bipolar or anything else but you know we all have crosses to bear everyone's got some ailment in their family or something right and bipolar just so happens to be my cross that I bear but the bottom line is is that it like you say it doesn't define me but representation matters the more people see people like us who go yes
we're not perfect yes we have bad days but we work we're quote-unquote normal we live life we socialize we have husbands we have daughters we have sons you know we are quote-unquote normal people instead of this thing that people think we are like we're literally these crazed deranged entities.
Who i don't know is suddenly going to turn into little goblins and i mean i. Don't know but sometimes i see the way people look at me especially in the beginning when i'd reveal my bipolar i'd reveal it because i felt like it to be a reveal i'm going to accept me, accept me now. If you don't accept me, see you later, honey. Really, you're not for me. You're not part of my tribe. I don't need it. Because like I said, anything toxic, anything negative, you're gone.
But in the beginning, I used to really feel like, please accept me. My bipolar, and now I'm like, see, if you want to have misconceptions that what you're afraid of me now, you're going to sleep with one eye open, you're afraid to come and visit or ask me over or ask me out or do things as friends or whatever because you think that I might suddenly, I don't know what they think. I'm not even going to put my mind there. It's their problem. It's not my problem. I used to think in the beginning it
was my problem. It's not my problem. I've now grown. To or I've learned to care less about other people's perceptions that's all I cared about what are people going to think of me that's all I cared about when I was diagnosed what are people going to think of me now I care to be honest because I think you know what I know where I've come from and I know how hard I've worked and I also know my heart I know my heart is pure I'm not I'm not a bad person.
I'm not perfect. Do you know what I mean? But I'm a bad person. At my core, I do a lot of good. I do a lot of good in this world. And these are things, these are my affirmations that I also tell myself to remind myself and keep feeding that into the world because I spent years going, you're bad, you're this, you're terrible. Now I reverse all of that. And the truth is the truth, right?
You know, so we have to believe in ourselves selves and that's got to show up to the world so that all these silly stigmas that people see hopefully it will just become less and less eventually yeah yeah and I think people think that so I think that it depends on to where you are at in in your career or in or even in your life because I feel like that and yet because of stigma like I have to be careful there's some things that I don't talk about and I regularly have fear that I'm going to lose
my job as a teacher or that the elementary school, cause I teach littles that their parents are going to be like, we don't want her as a teacher or my kids friends, or one just happened recently where, so I ended up cause I like to plan parties and I do event planning on the side because you know, we get bored. Oh my God, I used to do all that too.
God, there's so many similarities. oh my goodness we should put on a bipolar bash slash information honestly i wish if i was in canada or you were in the uk i would be like let's do an event tomorrow i mean it doesn't mean you can't do it but we need to do it we'll figure it out here we are people with our ideas but we're gonna do it yeah so yeah let's put it in our in our thing because i i if we can find a way out there I mean,
and there's so many people online that are like, yeah, and if you did event planning and I did, we can actually make it happen because we know how to step. But I know how to make it happen. Yeah. So all that to say, I was on the lead planner of my other daughter's prom. So my other daughter's graduating next year. And so, of course, I ended up being the chair of the events.
Of course but I it says down in my so I have my email it isn't my podcast email but even in my email I put host of this is bipolar and I like I have my little thing right and I literally almost still because they don't know me yet because I haven't done much the school has like her graduating classes like I don't know 300 like it's not I'm not known in that school where elementary school yeah yeah elementary school I was the mom yeah that mom I was into everything I love it so anyways
I sent an email to the principal and then to another person and I considered taking it off and I was like darn it damn it there's still that stigma that I feel like I I always feel like oh well maybe they need to get to know me first as a like before they get And I was like, and I hear that from others. I did this post friend on Instagram and I talked about self stigma masking. I talked about masking and I asked people, so I did it in the feed. And I saw that. Yeah.
And the amount of people that said that they don't want to, but they have to because they might lose their job or they have before and lost their job. And I thought I'd get some for sure. But the amount of it, I cried in my room for those people and held space for hours because I was like, the fact that now that we're still afraid to tell people in our jobs and people we meet that there's that tells me that the stigma is still strong.
And I know we've come and I try to be positive, but man, we have a lot of ways to go. So is there all that to come to this question? Is there times, like, still that you feel that stigma in your life? And then this is a two-parter, because I'm thinking way ahead as we do. Do you feel like... You need to be, as a public person and as ambassador, do you feel like you need to be like a good representative? Like, do you feel the pressure to be a good representative of someone that's
bipolar? Because I feel like that all the time, this pressure that I have. Yes. So two questions. Is there in your life where you still feel that stigma? And two, do you feel like you need to be the best representation? Hard questions. I'm sorry.
Yeah, good question. you know I used to feel that a lot about it yeah no it's good I used to feel that a lot about the stigmas it took me years that's why when I got the diagnosis I hid it for seven I think it was over seven years until one day I woke up and I just said enough's enough because I felt like that was the last sort of metaphorical change around me that was preventing me from getting well I'd done stuff up until that point to get myself to a more healthier place but I felt that
hiding it was stopping me from being my authentic self. Because if I can't accept bipolars in my life, how am I going to become well again? Really? I could do stuff. But if I'm still denying the existence of bipolar because I'm hiding it and I'm not saying, well, this is me, whatever this is, guys, then this is going to keep me under the cosh. I didn't want that for me anymore. So I was just like, right.
So I came out, out and proud. then I felt euphoric and then I was like oh my god what have I done because I realized that people you know I got messages everyone going wow incredible good few people saying I'm happy you did that but are you sure are you sure because you know people are gonna stereotype you you know the stigmas you know whatever especially I got that from people in the black community especially.
They were like are you sure you you know what I have to say I stuck to my gun now I nobody's ever said it to my face but does part of me think that there are probably some people out there that think she has bipolar and that they judge me secretly maybe they do but like I said earlier that's their problem not mine so there are moments where I do feel like oh my god oh my god should I be talking about this should I whatever and then I you know I've really spent years to
try and just shrug off those stigmas because if I allow my brain to start going there my brain will take it and it will run with it. And it's going to make it into a big thing. And before you know it, I'm no longer an ambassador. In fact, I'm not even on TV. In fact, I'm not going to leave my house. That will spiral very quickly if I'm not careful. So I try and stay on what I call code. I'm like, it doesn't matter about this. I'm just going to keep,
keep, keep. Because all I could do is represent what you see here. Some people don't like, they think that I'm very passionate when When I speak, most people see that.
As a as a powerful a great thing people go I love the way you speak Leah you're so enthusiastic you're so passionate I felt that and then other people go oh my gosh whose problem is that this is who I am like you know I'm quite enthusiastic when I speak is how I sound I'm animated and I thought oh maybe I should try and tone it down tone it but who am I appeasing I'm appeasing other people not me yeah I'm gonna make myself sick again if I'm sick who looks after nobody.
So Leah your first priority is to keep yourself well that's what I tell myself so yes sometimes I feel those stigmas and then I quickly shut them away or shove them out the door because I will not let them climb through my window and make themselves comfortable in my room it's not happening the minute I see it I'm like shooting you right out funny and I'm closing that door behind you you are not making camp in my house because if you let a bad thought or bad person and a bad thought make camp in
your house before you know it you're going to be unwell yeah so me I just so that's answering the first question it's a yes or a no I kind of answer but not but yeah you did answer but I I just and then the second question I'll go quick recap what was the second question do I oh as a person in the public eye do I feel like I have to always sort There are times, but again, everything I do, I try and do with 100% authenticity.
So on one hand, if I'm really, really sick, you just won't see me about. That's the true way of knowing. You won't see me about. You won't see me online because I'm probably having a down day or maybe a down week. Like I said, I'm not that big on social media anyway, and I probably should be for somebody in the public eye. But you see, the issue is even with social media, because I put up a post and I might say something about bipolar.
Say on twitter or x and i can guarantee there's going to be five people coming under me saying bipolar isn't real it's all in your head people being and i just can't be arsed with it i can't be arsed so i just think i can't be arsed babe seriously so that's why sometimes. But to do it, that's why sometimes I would prefer to come on Shaylee's podcast and talk. Because you know what? Then they'll put the comments on your post.
I don't mean that because putting that to you, but you. No, no, no. I'm actually, I actually thought that I would get that a lot more. But I think that most people know they're coming to because my handle is this is bipolar. I get a little bit more on my more personal where it's, do you know what I mean? I get that more on there. I get it. Right. So I didn't get it on my Illuminate mental health platform.
But when it's me speaking, I get some asshole that feels like it's their right to come and tell me that bipolar is made up and it's this and it's that. So Leah Charles King ignores it and moves on. So when you say, do I mask? Yes, in certain times. You know, I'm a black woman from London.
I can handle myself. I can stick up for myself. So when people are coming and chatting rubbish to me, like I could just tell them something straight away and being bipolar, if we tap into that dark side of bipolar, let's be honest, you know, in our bad ways, we could probably crush somebody more than they could crush us, right? But I choose to live in love and peace and harmony. I'll just gracefully ignore those people.
But there are moments in me I'm having a rough day yeah I need some stranger somewhere coming and telling me about my life and what I've gone through and that it's not real and it's made up and you should do this and then I'm like but obviously I can't because I'm in the public eye so I've got to be I've got to be not I mean I don't have to I don't have to I could just whatever yeah there's always like yeah there's always always a line I always say I'll block them and bless them block
and bless block it takes I get a lot of these messages after the podcast is well I could never be like you um you know you're you're stronger than me you know or it's unsafe for me to tell people I wish I could you know all these things and I want to say to you that Like we said before, bipolar is not a monolith. Leah and I are, you know, extroverted. This is our advocacy. This doesn't mean that you're not smashing stigma or whatever.
Yours is maybe just telling one person that doesn't understand. Yours is maybe liking one of our posts. That is advocacy. That is advocacy. So please don't put us up on pedestal. You know, everybody has other gifts and talents and we like microphones. Phones. And so please don't let this, you know, don't let feel bad that you can't be the same because we all need to do things on different levels.
And I truly believe that telling one person speaking out loud that you live with bipolar disorder is advocacy.
Shaylee i i absolutely agree here here yeah i feel like we all have our different paths in life we all have our different strengths and you know things that we're good at this just for me i was already in the public eye right so it just made absolute sense because if i'm going to continue to be in the public eye which i was you know after i was sick and got diagnosed i never thought i'd work again back in media but i ended up because clearly that's what i'm meant
to be doing i ended up being dragged back. I never tried. Believe you me, I've tried to quit the industry a million times because it's just painful sometimes. But I always get pulled back somehow. So I thought, well, the only way to be authentic and show up is I'm going to have to speak about this. And that's why. So it's just coincidence that, well, if I'm going to have this platform, I should then use it to represent that.
But I know many people who are in the public eye and who aren't, who were still successful in their own rights, who have bipolar.
Some keep it a secret, some only tell their loved ones some don't everyone copes and deals with it and manages it how they want do what is right for you yeah my only advice or encouragement would be do what is authentic so for example you don't need to tell the world you don't need to tell the world but be authentic to who you are if you are behind closed doors and you have loved ones around you for example friends partners husbands wives whatever they deserve to know because you
deserve the support yeah right you deserve that support and for you know they deserve to know so allow them to love you the way that you deserve to be loved if you don't tell them you're carrying a burden you don't deserve that none of us do so don't carry the burden and you know what if that person is going to turn on you because you have bipolar that means that they they don't have that love for.
You that you hope and if they don't have that love for you then you need to be free to find that love go where you are wanted go where you are loved and that's what I truly believe so yes it's hard but if we're holding on to the wrong types of relationships and the wrong types of people that's gonna again dim our light keep us low keep us small I refuse that because I remember feeling that small and breaking out of these chains and now I'm like here I am take it or leave it this me but
as you just said to everyone you don't have to be leo or shaley character you don't have to go and tell the world it might just be like you're showing up within your household you're showing up among your kids people say my mom bipolar i wish they talked to me about it i wish they explained i wish they knew i wish they understood but they were so ashamed or they didn't talk about it and and as kids they grew up being affected by watching their bed swings or having these
times Times were there in a bit. Minute they're happy and whatever so this is what I mean by honesty honesty in a environment is important being honest with the people around you if there's people who love you enough to be in your home your kids your your partners your loved ones they will support you they will love you they will love you I promise you may.
Be hard you may have questions but true people who love you will be there and that's what I've learned since coming out of the bipolar closet people have even really rooted this way with me when I thought I'd be abandoned I actually had a lot more support than I even knew in fact I had less support when I was hiding it right when I was hiding it I had much less yeah since coming out I've got a lot more support and actually know that I'm a lot more loved than
what my brain once told me I was my mind told me I wasn't loved yeah yeah it's oh yes i love that you said that that's the one thing and i would just love well i would love to talk to you forever because we're now best friends but i would just love to wrap it up because because you what you said like you are deserving we tend to blame everything on ourselves or like take scraps or feel like oh we're lucky that they put up with us i mean and.
No right no oh no no more than breadcrumbs we are good we are whole people you know what the more we work on ourselves and make ourselves better people then we're even greater you know as they say later we'll be greater so at the end of the day i'm not uh yeah later we'll be great honey you know i'm not gonna sit there and kiss anybody's feet because quote unquote they put up with me or maybe i put up with them just as equally you know we are people we make mistakes we do good we
do bad we have high days we have low days nobody should feel like they're being put up with like I said you deserve love and go where you are loved and that goes for all the listeners we deserve to be happy I think I said it in part one we deserve to be happy we deserve to live a happy life bipolar does not need to be the be all and end all for me for many years I thought is the be all and end all the first thought in the morning the last thought at night
and every we thought in between, oh, I'm bipolar, oh, no, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And now... It's Mental Health Awareness Week, so I'll think about it more. I'm talking to you for a couple of hours. But at the same time, I try not to think of it every day. Certainly nothing like how I used to. It took over my whole life because I felt like I had to apologize, be apologetic to the world because here I am with bipolar.
Absolutely not. if I have that attitude that's going to make me small and make me believe continue to believe that I'm nothing and I'm unworthy and I felt many years that I was unworthy and that's untrue we are all worthy and if you are a good person you deserve good things and I wish good things for you Shaylee and I wish good things for all your listeners may you all be blessed in whatever you choose to do in life and we're all just striving for the same thing and
that's to be well that's be happy and healthy and keep the right things in mind which are the things that hold us dear our loved ones you know because tomorrow's not promised tomorrow's not promised so. That's what I hold in my heart that's how I choose to live now and I absolutely adore you for that so friends go go and support Leah go and find all her things and listen to her because really she is just made my day and I will carry so many of the things that you have said in my heart.
And so yeah, I just want to remind everybody because I always forget to do this, but Leah has inspired me telling me that I'm worthy. I have subscriptions on Instagram. If you like what I do or want to support the work or want extra content and you get extra episodes that are exclusive, It is $6.99 US a month. Go. If you don't want, we also have, yeah, we have a personal support group message where we message daily. It's like a little support group in there.
And some people say, but I don't want to show up. I just want to support you. You can also subscribe and not show up. But I'm telling you, the little group we have there. That's brilliant. Yeah, yeah. And we're actually- That's brilliant. Good for you.
Maybe I should do something like that. a bit imposter syndrome i always think nobody's gonna show up nobody wants to hang out with me and then i meet somebody like you who goes we love you we love hanging out with you so maybe yeah i need to maybe one day i mean right now well maybe you can zoom in on some of our.
We're starting our we're starting at we're gonna have our first like zoom meeting together and meet each other so it's pretty cool but yeah you'll have to come come and visit us so yes that is my spiel of believing in my worthiness and so I love you to bits friends you're going to see us doing on stuff online together because I'm not going to leave her alone she is awesome I love that please don't leave me alone Jaylee or prod me.
Inspire me that's what i'm looking for at the moment you know and it's great to meet friends from around the world i'm so happy that we met and that is part of why social media is good right i know i go but if it wasn't for social media we would never even know that each other is existing and you know we might be in our own little pockets of the world suffering in silence right so social media does help with connecting like-minded people like ourselves
so thank you so much for having me and your podcast. I wish you all the best. You really inspired me by our conversation today, but also how you manage your social media presence and your content. And I just wish the best for you, like for everybody else. For anyone out there who's suffering, maybe you're newly diagnosed. Maybe you're going through the journey. Maybe you're going through the groundhog day that I spoke about in part one.
Just know that tomorrow's another day. There is life after diagnosis, you know and just take every day as it comes try not to beat yourself up about life be gentle with yourself just like you would with a friend you wouldn't beat your friend up the way we could beat our own selves up would you so remember that next time you're you're proverbially banging yourself about the head you know just remember that that you would be kind to a friend so be kind to yourself
first and foremost thank you so much I love that heart this is bipolar. Bipolar. Thanks again for tuning in. You can find video versions of This is Bipolar on our YouTube channel. We also have all our previous and soon to be future episodes of the podcast on Apple, Podbean, Spotify, and Google Play. We spend most of our time on Instagram at this.is.bipolar.
There is a vibrant community there where we have conversations and post different ideas and different strategies and we'd just love for you to join us there. It is so helpful if you enjoy our work or think it would be helpful to someone if you could like and share and save and follow us in all or any of those spaces. If you're a listener for the podcast, if you could leave a review, we would be forever grateful. Again, thank you for being here with us.
Let's get the word out. Let's share lived experiences so that we can change the ideas that people have about bipolar and help those of us that live with it feel less alone. This is bipolar. Music.