Welcome to Conversations With. My name is Shaila Huckendorn and I live with Bipolar 2 Disorder. Sharing with others is healing both individually and collectively. Sharing our stories will Educate others, bring more understanding, shed more light, and smash more stigma. Our voices need to be heard. Our stories aren't over yet. This is Bipolar. Hi everyone, welcome back to This is Bipolar.
I am your host, Jaylee Hoogendorn. I am a mom, a wife, I'm a teacher, I do event planning, I am multi-passionate, I do all the things, I'm also a mental health advocate, and I live with bipolar 2 disorder. And I am really excited, we're going to get to my returning guest in a minute, which is my absolute favorite. Before we get started, I wanted to let you know that I have subscriptions with Instagram. It is a way that you can support me and my work.
You have access to a chat where we, all the subscribers are on there and we have people from all over the world and it is very active. There are people in there every day. Some people have said it's been life-saving. Even for me, you just go there like, hey, I'm struggling and someone will lift you up, encourage you, or they will just listen and hold space.
And then once a month, my favorite day of the month is when we meet up on Zoom and we just check in and we talk and listen and hold space for each other. And it's just like a big relief because you don't have to mask. You can just show up as you are. And there's going to be someone that's me too. And you can tell the hard things and maybe the really messy things.
There is no judgment there. If you want to join, you go to Instagram, says subscribe you hit it and Instagram meadow they'll take care of the rest it's $6.99 US a month if you want to join just sign up if you have trouble let me know and I can help you there. Every year I do a Coping with Christmas episode and my friend Birdie Thorne came to mind. I think she's pretty cool with last minute asks because I realized that it's December 1st.
I'm like, hey, who could I ask that would podcast in two days? Birdie! And she was like, yes. So if you haven't already listened to the episode, I looked back on my Instagram and it was literally almost a year ago that we did our interview. Yeah. And so go back and listen to that and then you can hear her full story because today we're just going to talk about coping with Christmas. But if you want to hear all about her, it was a beautiful episode. So go listen to that.
Birdie, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? All right. Thank you for having me. But I'm Birdie. I'm an author. I'm a mom. I'm a mental health advocate. I'm a speaker with NAMI. I do a little bit of everything, if you will. I'm a wife. fight. I do a little bit of everything. Yeah. Multi-passionate. I love that word. I had a hard time explaining. I get bored doing this. So I do a little bit of this and I do a little bit of that. I love that.
I think that encompasses it for me. And it sounds like it is for you too. Before we get started with the coping for Christmas, I, Birdie did say she's an author and she is an author of this book. I am her. She is me. And I read it like in two days camping this summer. And it is, there's not a lot of fiction by people with lived experience and bonus, it's written well, but your book was really beautiful, friend. And we can talk a little bit about what it's about at the end.
And I just want to tell people, if you want to pause this podcast right now and go to Amazon and buy it, the beautiful thing about fiction, talking about bipolar disorder is sometimes it's really hard to talk to people or tell people our experience. So I love gifting fiction books because it gives a place to start from. It makes me comfortable because I don't have to explain my really hard, messy symptoms right away.
We can talk to them. It gives you a little bit of a barrier of safety when talking to people for families. Yes, go and buy this. I'm so proud of you, friend. Good for you. You finished it. Yes, I know. I think I was talking about it last time. I'm excited. Yeah, that's really good. And I want everybody else to go follow you as well because your videos are entertaining, but also educational. And I think you're doing really, really beautiful work. Oh, thank you. You're welcome.
I wanted to talk about Coping with Christmas because I can feel it already. I'm in Canada, so we had our Thanksgiving a long time ago, but because of the media and the friendships I have here and the community is, a lot of people are from the US. I really felt the frenzy last week. I felt the anxiety. Even in my group, there were some people that were choosing to spend it alone, and there's just so much.
Everything is big and more, and I think it's really hard, even as stable as you can be, to not be affected by all of this too muchness. I thought it would be really helpful to talk about it from the perspective of people that live with bipolar disorder. It was a couple days ago, probably a week after I get this out, it was American Thanksgiving. And I'm wondering how that went for you. Is it a time that you get hypomanic symptoms or stressed or how does that work for you?
How do you feel about Thanksgiving and how did your Thanksgiving go? So ours went really well. This year, we actually, we don't live anywhere near family anymore. We moved a little over a year ago. So this year, it was just me, my husband, and our kids. And it went really well. But the stress is the stress of doing it. And I've learned that a big thing for me is control. I'm trying to control how everything happens. I'd say I love my family.
So much, but I feel like when I've done holidays with family, a lot of the times it's not, it brings on a lot of stress that then goes into a depression for me. And it does, it just always comes back to the same word control, trying to control the situation when you get a large amount of people together, because then you have to deal with people talking about politics or religion or high stress conversations. And for me, that's very hard because it's very triggering to a depressive episode.
Yeah. Oh, that's so fascinating. It does help. Family is a beautiful thing, but it is complicated.
In your family, if you're willing to talk about it, in your family, is it like, is everybody open and accepting or do you sometimes get, if you do have some controlling behavior or other things is it oh here she goes again I it's much better now but I get that vibe and I am the only planner in my family like they're yeah go with the flow and then we don't end up doing the fun things I want to do and I want everyone to go yes in the past I've been super controlling but even.
It's compacted for me because even more so because any type of organization feels like control of them and then they push back. And so it's, oh, here goes Shaylee again. Meanwhile, I feel like no one's noticed that I'm much more chillax. So I get very anxious about that. And I have a really hard time like what people think of me, right?
And how they're going to react. And then I'm replaying things I've said and I'm watching their body language and trying not to be like, I'm the only girl, there's three boys and just, I know that they just think I'm extra. And then I seem like I'm extra in my own life, but then I feel like I'm like extra read all about it with my family. Do you know what I mean? How does that work in your family? So my family, like I would say most families, is pretty chaotic and dysfunctional.
And when you get us all together, I feel like for me, I'm the person that is trying to make sure that everyone gets along so that if this cousin is feuding with this sibling or whatever, I'm trying to mediate and make sure nothing major goes off. And in my family, it's bound to happen. Me and my brother, we can be pickers sometimes and start picking at things. And then before, you know, it's jokey and then it can turn into something bigger.
And you know I think for me where my control comes from is I'm trying to be the as my dad used to say like the orchestrator trying to make sure everything is orchestrated the way that I think it should be or how it should go or people should say how I think they should say things or like I said that those high stress topics like politics and religion I'm like trying to make sure that this person that I know isn't, and this person I know is, are separated.
I just don't like the confrontation. So I feel like that's where the high stress comes. And I'll start stressing way prior to the event, knowing that this kind of is the role that I've taken on myself. It's never been placed on me. It's totally something that I've taken on and, I don't want anyone to not get along. And then it feels like to me, if one of those things does happen, it's like everything is ruined.
Everything. I feel like the slogan pre-diagnosis for me was for all holidays was like that escalated quickly. It feels like you're a lot like me. Like I get a very dysregulated nervous system very quickly. I feel like my bipolar disorder gives me these scenarios or makes me ruminate. Illuminate, these things could happen, like I build them up. And then it seems like sometimes it's like I almost create it because it's already happened.
And I used to think that it's good to be a little anxious and controlling because I can work through what happened so that I'm prepared if it does happen. And then my lovely therapist, shout out to Audrey.
Said, you're actually hurting yourself or traumatizing your nervous system like small t trauma by making the scenario in your head because your brain is going to feel the same as if it actually happened and if it actually happens you're re-traumatizing or doing it double so my little theory is not healthy yeah i i totally get what you're saying though because like my dad used to always tell me you're borrowing stress like you're borrowing stress so i'm the same way though i always thought
okay if i play it out then i'll know how to react and i'll be on top of it i know i can see where it's not a healthy thing to do preparing for every scenario and then on top of that if things did go wrong my brain would like berate me like you should have thought of that scenario and you should have been able to deal with it and make everything okay. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So is there anything that...
Is there any time that you can think of an example for someone of something that could happen without outing family members? Is there an example like at Christmas or Thanksgiving that you could think of maybe pre-diagnosis that something went very badly or now could be funny? Wait till I tell you mine. Yeah, tell me if you have any stories. I actually don't have too many when it comes to things going bad.
Because I'm so good at masking that I feel like I mastered masking for a long time prior to even really discussing my diagnosis to people. And the aftermath of a holiday is where my problems would come.
It wouldn't be in front of anyone, but then it would be afterwards when no one was around going into this depression, replaying things in my head, getting mad at people for saying something that I felt like they didn't need to say or shouldn't have said or and I'm in the family in my family I I'm close talk to everyone so if one person's upset at the other person and they're both telling me then I'm like stressed out the whole time it's a stressful situation and then afterwards it's I'm angry
and will tell myself every year I'm never doing that again I'm never doing a family get together. I'm never doing. And then of course I ended up doing it. I would say that where my stories come from are always the aftermath, the holidays. Yeah. Interesting. I'll tell you mine. So before that, I was very cyclical with my anxiety, hypomania and depression. And so I would start to go down at the end of September and getting lower October, lower mid November, mid November.
And then when things started happening, it was almost like whiplash. I just wake up early, which never happens unless I'm hypomanic. I would get up early and then it was like I needed to do all the things. And because it was a cycle and I like inadvertently knew that inevitably January crash was going to happen. I felt like I needed to do all the things like there's a timer on and my time's running out to love life and enjoy the world and do everything.
I actually really enjoy doing like the Pinterest mom thing. I do end up in a lot of leadership roles because just of who I am, like with the school or whatever, organizing gingerbread day or whatever. I love that. But this intense, It's almost like Energizer Bunny, if you're old like us and used to see commercials, like just this motor of you just have to keep going. I wouldn't take breaks because it felt like, oh, I'll have a huge break in January
when I don't want to get out of bed. I would just go and go. And like you, I would like when I would get home or when I would have any downtime, that's when the irritability and the disappointment, disappointing myself is never good enough.
It never looked good enough. I didn't orchestrate the events well enough I would be really hard on myself and of course my kids could tell I'd be irritable I would I was very negative about everything of course my husband probably got the worst of it and so it's I'm like this shiny happy merry and bright for all these other people that I don't love as much as my people and looking back now I've worked through a lot of it, but I have a lot of shame around that.
I understand that, especially during this time of year. For me, I grew up pretty poor growing up. And then, so the holidays were never, they were always hard for me. And so as I was young, I was a teen mom and we struggled through the first, however long with my kids. And so this time of year also used to, up until recent, I'd say within the last three years has always been hard to because of that, the financial.
Expectations that, you know, I feel like society really puts on us to buy and to consume and to do all these things. I just did Thanksgiving for the four of us and I spent in a large amount of money that probably didn't need to be spent, but it was like the keeping up with it and trying to do it.
And I think that adds to a lot of pressure during this time of year and makes it really depressing because we want to do these things and sometimes financially we can't or financially we do when we shouldn't. Yes, exactly. And I think that's where, even though I know that we've created spaces, like beautiful, real spaces on the internet and on Instagram where people can show up and be themselves, it seeps in.
I unfollow a whole bunch of people when it comes to come September because it makes me feel like terrible about myself. All of a sudden, I'm like, why am I not having this Christmas pajama party with my friends where I have set the entire table? I've spent like 50 bucks on balloons. I bought everyone pajamas and a Santa Stanley, right?
Why am I not doing this? I should be doing this. I'm not a very good friend meanwhile like it's given to them and awesome all the power to people that are using it and that it's their business I am not judging if they could if someone honestly Stanley if wanted to hook me up I would not say no someone wants to support my Christmas slumber party.
I would be but also the providing for your kids and I was the same way we have four kids It's never a lot of money, but my mom would, my dad would say she'd go hog wild. That's what he called it because all the other parts of the year, we couldn't like, you know, keep up with some of the other families. She would make it magical and big and go over the top. And so I always felt like I needed that for my children.
Right. and so yes we very much did over the top and some of the mistakes I made were trying to do all the things I remember we got and it was late to the game because it happened when my kids like it didn't the elf on the shelf didn't come in till after and I loved it at first unfortunately I had a kid that also loved it and so one year I remember I was sobbing because I had to keep up with this freaking elf.
And I, this is when they started to sell little stuff to do with the elf at the dollar store. So I found a little elf journal and elf pen and gave it to my daughter, friend. Didn't she write to that damn elf every single freaking night? And so I had to do my swirly elf writing every night. And it wouldn't just be, it's like, what's your favorite cookie? Can you send me the recipe? She'd be like, I drew you. Can you draw a picture of me?
And I remember this This magic joyful thing. I remember I was like, mother bleeping. So. But I felt like I had to keep up that magic. And so I feel like some of the things I did stole a lot of the things that could have been like a quieter joy. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I get that. I feel like once I've started something, I feel like I have to follow through because I've always been afraid of that stereotype of not following through. So I will burn myself to the end or both candles.
Yeah. before I would quit anything. Are you someone that feels like you had to keep up with the school mom kind of thing? I was writing an article on this actually because I'm a stay-at-home mom. And there's a lot right now, like I've seen some videos recently where it's shaming stay-at-home moms. Oh, you shouldn't stay at home. You should be working because we're women and we can work and you should do these things.
And then I've seen the other side of it. So there's, there's this shift going on. And there's also prior to that was when you're a stay at home mom, you feel the pressure to do all those things because you're staying at home and you don't do anything else. Yeah. You stay at home. And so I, for a long time, it was hard for me, especially when my kids were younger. I always say there is moms that are built to stay at home and there is moms that are built to work and neither one of them are wrong.
I always was that mom that I stayed at home, but I was never, no, I was more of a working mom. And I can love my kids just as much as a stay-at-home mom, even if I wasn't there. And now that they're older, it's funny, I stay at home. And then there's guilt associated with that because I'm like, should I be doing more because my kids are in school? Should I be doing more because my husband works.
And I hate that feeling. I hate that I still deal with that kind of underlying guilt and shame, like I should be doing more. Yeah. Like this capitalist. And that's interesting that you said that because it's, didn't we fight for rights to have choice in what we want to do with our lives? Encouraging women is, encourage them to make their own choices, whether it be stay at home and like you're a CEO of your family.
I used to be like oh everybody's going to think I'm sitting down and watching soap operas and eating bonbons I just think we all need to just, support each other and it took me a long time to admit and still to this day I pretty much between the podcast and now I work part time teaching I didn't have those when I was, the stay-at-home mom, but I would force myself to go out or I would have a list of things I did to report to my husband, even though he didn't care.
He didn't care what I did in the day. Obviously, if I went out and spent all our money, he might have. I hear you with that. And so then it's a lot of people assume that you do have the time to do more. And I think the thing that I had a hard time admitting is I don't actually think that I could manage my bipolar disorder and work full-time as a teacher.
Yeah, that's something I've talked to my husband about with working because there's times I have this urge, I need to get a job because having a paycheck makes me more valuable. And it's not true. And he's so good about it. And then him and I have sat down and talked about it and I don't hold jobs. I cannot hold a full-time job. That's something I am not ashamed of. It's just my reality. And I'll think about that sometimes where I'll go, yeah, oh, I need a job because I need a paycheck.
And then I'm like, but what am I doing to myself and to my family when I end up with a full-time job? Because I do have bipolar and it does make it really hard. My last job, I held it for eight months and I was so proud. It was eight months, but it was a full-time job. And this is why I love NAMI and being a speaker because it's not full-time and I get to do something I love and get to enjoy it and feel like I'm contributing.
I hear you. I was just thinking of a funny story and I was telling you, I tell it every year, but, I just think that I've gotten a lot of comments that it helps people that deal with hypomania Mania at Christmas time just feel seen and it helps other people understand the level. Yes, we get excited, but... When it's someone that deals with hypomania, it's Will Ferrell elf level of excitement, right? It's wild. And I remember sometimes just having these wild ideas.
I remember one year I bought all these cookie dough pucks because I don't actually like to make it, but I want to serve all my cookies and all these things. And I remember I bought, it must have been more than 10 dozen. And I remember getting up every day and making them and being so proud of them. At like at 5 a.m. before everybody got up. And then I remember one year that I decided to theme my husband's stocking. The theme was very sexy theme.
The things that I bought were ridiculous. And even I bought some silly things like these balloons that looked like boobs or whatever but not only did I do that okay but it was the year to be at my parents and I didn't think at all that it would be inappropriate and granted my family's pretty wild and hilarious and open luckily they're not like conservative or whatever this would have been yeah times worse but yeah my husband had to open that like in
front of everyone oh no my husband would die I just thought it was hilarious. I even put some of the, because I have three brothers, the boob balloons in my brother's stockings. Like what? What? And I just thought it was the best, most hilarious idea ever. And I thought they would be over the moon. And I was pissed when they didn't think it was that funny. I love this story because my mom actually did something similar with my husband and my cousin's husband.
She crocheted boobs that went on a water cup. And it was like they were really realistic looking. And same thing, they opened them in front of people. And my husband is like, he's very introverted and more like shy about that kind of stuff. But I thought it was hilarious because I'm very open about stuff like that. But same thing, I'm sure that my mom was probably experiencing an episode to do that. Yeah, and just to see, like, when I, like, gift giving is, like, the way I show love.
And so, like, I, when I get something I love, I am, like, elf, like, beyond excited. And so when I wouldn't get those reactions, I would just immediately be mad and be like, they don't even care. Or I did all this for you and I'd get resentful. And like the whole not, that's not the reason for gift giving, but I remember I'd just be crushed and I would just be like, I would sob. I remember too, I would do things, I would want to make homemade gifts.
So I would spend months before like making homemade candles and soap and just thousands of dollars on these like somewhat cute soaps. I just remember every year there'd be at least three or four like sobbing, hysterical meltdown in my room kind of times. And I just mourn for that, Shaylee, right?
Yeah you didn't I didn't know I didn't know so yeah those are some of my kind of stories but yeah so I'm wondering it's hard yeah so I'm wondering with all your experience and knowing how long have you known that you've lived with bipolar disorder so over 10 years I kept it a secret for a really long time. And yeah, now I'm, we'll tell anyone that listened. Yeah, same.
So I'm wondering what is some wisdom you've learned over the years or things that work for you that help you cope with Christmas, help you so that you can regulate a little bit more and maybe help the like does the depression still come or maybe you help make it not as big of a crash tell me what you've learned in your coping strategies, I've actually gotten really good at this because it's been hard for a long, a long time. I really struggled.
And even financially, now that I'm able to do holidays, I still get like that anxiety. I had trained myself almost to hate Christmas. I'll not put up the tree until right before Christmas Day not to do it. And now I've tried to embrace it. I'm not a child anymore. I'm not, I get to create memories that I want to create. I don't, because I don't have a whole lot of memories that I can, that I can recall as a child, really enjoying the holidays because we just didn't have the money for it.
The instability in my life as a child. And so I've taught myself that I'm now in control in a good way, but I get to control how this goes in the sense of like I decorated. So this year was the first year that I decorated the inside of a house a lot. I did it up. And on a budget, I wasn't stressed about the money because I gave myself the money to do it. But the biggest thing that I'd say that I do going into the holidays is having a plan, knowing my limits.
And it's okay to have limits and boundaries and being okay with, hey, it's just going to be my family of four for Christmas or for Thanksgiving. And I'm okay with that. I know that if it was something where I was around my family, I know my limits and that I can leave whenever I need to, that you don't have to be the one that's orchestrating the entire thing. No one gave me that title. I gave myself that title and I'll take it away.
I think having a plan and knowing your limits is really important going into the holidays and knowing that you have a right to be comfortable that you don't have to be uncomfortable to make others comfortable which is something that took me many years to learn you have a right to your comfort. I love that quote, don't burn yourself down to keep other people warm. And it's hard. It's hard. One of my triggers and it activates me is letting people down.
Sometimes it's all in my head too. Maybe I haven't even let them down. I have a hard time with boundaries because some of the things that I would like to make as a boundary, they're not like overly harmful, but they're triggering for me. But I think there are some things that if I said, or if I did, or if I set a boundary, I might lose relationship. And so unfortunately, I have to accept some.
So I have to make lists of what, if I'm going to choose relationship, and I have to accept certain things, what are things that are reasonable? And even some reasonable ones, I still can't, right?
There's family and I think one of the things you said a plan but one of the things that I go into is I make sure that I keep my expectations in check like if Uncle Bob is it says something inappropriate or somewhat unacceptable why would Christmas with heightened feeling be the time that Uncle Bob wouldn't be his regular self I will accept that obviously if he says something races or whatever, NPS, Uncle Bob is an example. I don't have an Uncle Bob.
Just not like to keep my expectations in check. Everyone is not going to change who they are just for Christmas. And I think this idea that we have to put our best foot forward and be different actually is.
Ruins connection right if we're all trying to be this merry big overly joyful things, i'm joking with the subscribers group we're gonna have we're calling it our bipolar bear christmas and it's not like anti-christmas but it's we're gonna show up like in our jammies someone from our group has this shirt that says the bipolar express and then one side says this ride is awesome. I hate this. And we're going to just show up and hold space for the hard things, right?
I'm really excited about that. And I think, yeah, that's one of mine is to just keep my expectations in check. This was hard when my kids were little. I would overstimulate them. I would bring them to this and that and then wonder why they're bawling going to another Santa thing. I'm like, what? I'm making this amazing for you. Meanwhile, I didn't realize that they were probably really overstimulated and probably would just be okay with being at home.
I am not going to lie to my audience. I still overspend over Christmas. I just, it's very hard for me. I've done things in the past. Like I tried that credit card in a bag of ice and I have to melt it to use And so they think about it. I think this year, what I probably should do is take like Amazon off my phone and take Apple pay off my phone. Cause it's too easy. And it doesn't feel like I'm spending money because I'm just clicking, right?
Yep. And my struggle is all my husband and my two daughters all have birthdays September, October, November. So it's... That's how we are. It's so much money. Also, my second one is I figure out I actually went into like my inner thoughts. I didn't even know what I enjoyed anymore because I thought there was a way to do things, right? A should.
And so I figured out, and it was mostly after I didn't have as many symptoms because I was medicated because I feel like you don't have time or capacity to have self-reflective skills when you're in the midst of bipolar disorder without treatment.
I wrote down you know what I want a tree that's just mine I don't want to be frustrated every year I when they were like my youngest was eight I was like you know what I'm gonna have my own tree and they can have their own tree and it is okay I was so worried that people were gonna judge me as a mom or even sometimes there's some people that make fun of me but I have it is only red and gold and white and it is mine and I spend my time doing it and it's exactly how I
want it and that's okay yes and then I realized every year we had a photo shoot and sent out those pictures and sent out cards to 50 something people because again I didn't want to leave anyone out and I hated every second of it. I loved having the pictures and I love the fact that, that the people, I know it made grandparents and such very happy, but I scaled back my fifth people and I only did a few.
And then one year I was like, nope, I just, I didn't do it. I was like, people can steal the photos off Facebook. Like, do you know what I mean? I don't have to print everything and whatever. So that is one thing I stopped doing. And a big thing for me was trying to figure out what I could, because you're right, we're adults. We can make our Christmas how we would like our Christmas.
And so that's one of the things. What is one of the things or was there a thing you took off your list when you started making a plan or simplifying? I would say not taking off more, just adding to make it a more enjoyable experience because I realized that my disdain for the holidays coming from childhood trauma was affecting my kids. And then it was like, wow, I'm not making this a joyful time for them. And why not? Like it can be. And so I would say like this year was a big deal to me.
I actually got a second tree, which was something I've always wanted to do. And I just grew up thinking how cool it was when I seen people that had two trees. I don't know why it was a big deal to me, but I hadn't even planned to. I was going through the store and I'd seen it and it was like $10 and it's just a little four foot white one. And I was like, I know the place for this. I'm going to be a two tree family.
And I'm so excited about it. So it's stuff like that where I'm trying to learn to enjoy the smaller things about the holidays. And instead of making it like looking at everything negative, I'm trying to look at it as like, I can put these lights up, I can have another tree, I can do... One of the things that we do at Tradition is we bake cookies and we decorate them. And I have to let go of control there too because it's really messy.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, it's wild how messy it gets when you're making cookies and decorating them. But I make sure to try and do these things to give my kids memories. So even if there's times where it's hard, it's what am I doing this for? I need to remember it's not all about me. And what I think should be the Grinch over here. Yeah, that's so interesting. It's almost like I wonder if inadvertently you were trying to protect yourself by not getting into it.
And now you've given yourself permission like, hey, I can handle this. I can do this. Yeah. When things are all said and done, do you still fall into a depression? We know sometimes it doesn't matter what we do, things happen. What does the aftermath look like for you? So it still does happen sometimes where, and I think it's just because I overthink and overanalyze things so much. And I don't know if that's a bipolar thing or an ADHD.
I overanalyze everything And I feel like it gets really exhausting when you do that for two months straight. I get really obsessive over things like a budget and I can't leave it alone. And I'm down to the dollar during this time of year. So it's overwhelming for me. And so there are times after the holiday, after the new year, that I really have to step back and gather myself.
Otherwise, I'm going to get into a depression. I'm going to all overthink it and think that I did too much or I did too little. With anything, especially with bipolar, I feel like it's always a dance, making sure that you're watching for these episodes and trying if you can't catch them before. And so that's why I try to go in with a plan so that I don't slip into depression because, It's really hard to pull out of it.
And before you know it, it's March of the next year and you're just now coming resurfacing. And it's just so hard to do. I love that you're aware of that. Yeah, I remember for years I would be disappointed after we didn't do this, we didn't watch this movie, when it was everything I thought we didn't do enough, right? And it was, I didn't mean to, but it was just in my head and the pressure to make it, and the shoulding.
And so now, what you said, making a plan, I didn't always completely consider what my family liked and didn't like. Because when they were little, they like, everything's exciting, right? And as they got older, I'd be disappointed. There's some people in my family that when there's, like, I have a 17 and a 19-year-old. I've only had a 19-year-old for one day. It was her birthday yesterday. But they don't enjoy all this. Some feels like forced family fun, right?
I guilt them for, oh, because they didn't want to do those same things. A lot of time, we have conversations like, what are the things that you love that you would be disappointed if we didn't do? And I take that into consideration. And instead of like me wanting to go to 10 light displays, we pick one big one, right? Or we pick one like a paid big activity. We realize that only me and one daughter like going to the Christmas fairs.
Why do I drag the other one in my husband and then are mad when they want to go, right? Right. So figure out, I've really learned to compromise and a big, I have mantras, like things that I say to myself, right. I know it's sometimes it sounds hippy dippy, but basically I say, there's always next year. Like I always have this feeling that I have to do everything. And I'm like, there's always next.
It's going to come every year. I want my kids to want to, when they move out, to want to come back, right. And want to do these things so if I force them and make them terrible and especially now they both have.
Boyfriends my one daughter is going away next week for 10 days to see him because he doesn't live here and I'm like 10 days she's gonna miss all the things and just figuring out what we all want and then having a few things that I say to myself and then also force myself to have some downtime or alone time so I'll find a show a non-Christmas show or like a comfort show like for me it's Schitt's Creek I love it oh yes yeah with
something that I know what's gonna happen right I know yep heartwarming and brings me joy and it's something that I can force myself to sit and do yeah do you have any comfort shows. Oh yeah. I've got, right now it's Outlander, but my favorites are The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. I'll rewatch these over and over. I've seen them eat all of them at least a hundred times. And it is, it's that comfort of knowing you already know there's no surprises. It's stress-free.
Something you said about asking just asking your kids what do they want to do it seems so simple but i've never thought of it i was sitting here thinking i've never just went to them and said what is it that what is important to you that we do right instead i'm trying to create all these things again that i'm thinking oh we have to do this and we have to do that otherwise it's not christmas i never really took that into consideration like just ask them because
it might be something so simple and I've overcomplicated the whole thing. Right? Yeah. We did one year. I thought it was hilarious. I think it's like a German tradition. I don't know what it is, but I saw it at the dollar store and there's like this pickle. And whoever finds the pickle decoration on the tree gets to open the first gift. And I did it once. And now one of my kids loves it. In fact, I lost the decoration last year and she was like really disappointed.
And I would have never thought that little thing was important to her.
And she still does some of the elf on the shelf but because we're all like almost adults yeah but for us and it is freaking hilarious but she'll do like almost like inappropriate elf on the shelf like one year yeah she had them all look like they were all hung over and whatever and she had a disco ball and she had made it look like those little bottles of alcohol she made it look like they had this big party and were hung over and oh she's my type of person this is funny so freaking
funny so then we all take turns doing something so she keeps that alive i also realized i can give them little jobs too like when my first didn't believe in santa but my second did i would get her to help with the stalking and i can outsource some things right yes that was. Big thing. During, I was like, Christmas is going to be awful. I tried to make it fun and we try and do something still where it's backwards or almost like something you'd never do at Christmas.
And we, when we're home, just us, we don't go to my parents. My backwards thing was, I don't want to cook Christmas dinner on Christmas. We eat everything in our stockings. We're full. We're still like in our jammies. I don't want to spend three hours or plus in the kitchen. And so mine was ordering A&W that night. And then the next day do it. And it has been the best thing ever. I can chill and enjoy Christmas and I'm not resentful and bitter and in the kitchen and hot.
And so that was one. So my kids remember that one picked, let's go get McFlurries at midnight. We were able to make memories like over COVID that overshadowed how we didn't get to see anyone. That's cool to do. Again, it's asking them, what is it that you guys want to do? And they know. Yeah, it's so cool. I love that. But what things are the most important for you to keep in your routine despite the madness or the possible scheduling. Overscheduling, or just anything to do with Christmas?
Because I know with me, holidays or when anything's different, it is very easy for me to slip out of some routine things that I know are crucial to me staying well.
Is there what are the things that you need to keep regular like with my bipolar yes yeah so one of the things that is big for me is actually taking my medication i know with everything that it goes on and you know if you're somewhere that you're not normally during the holidays you're traveling you're doing these things it's keeping a regular time on my medication and i've already noticed that this time.
So with my bipolar medication, I've been on top of it, taking it on time, but there was like another medication that I'm supposed to be taking. And I've noticed the last couple of days I've missed it. And it's just like, when did, and I have to be so careful because it's, it could easily be my bipolar medication that I end up doing this to. It's so easy to flip up with it when there's so many distractions going on. So that is a must for me that I have to be on top of.
Keeping that. The other thing is checking in regularly with my husband when it comes to my stress that I get with finances. Like I said, I get so obsessive over it. A lot of times it will be, I'll just be sitting there and get stuck in my head with it. And then he knows, like during this time of the year, he knows, okay, what do we need to talk about? Do you need to look over your budget to see again, to make yourself feel better?
And so it's stuff like that, that I have to keep my support system close and informed with how I'm doing and staying on my medication. I'm the same. And I have a couple of things that have helped me. I have the pill box and I make sure I buy like a cute one. The nighttime one is hardest for me. I have one beside my bed, but then I'm watching TV and my alarm will go off and I'm like, do I really want to go to my room? So I got this cool one and I'll put it on Instagram, but it looks like decor.
What's this little just little wood circle I can put a candle on it but it turns and it's a pill I keep the nighttime ones there too so that when the alarm goes off and I'm watching tv I turn and I can take it oh that's perfect yeah and then my morning one I decide the night before if I'm going to use like a Christmas mug if I'm at home or my to-go mug for school when I teach for coffee, I'll put it right on top. Yes. Like it needs to be on top.
It's not even like I used to have it beside the coffee, still could forget on top. And then I have a little one that I keep in my car in case I drive to work and I don't have it. I have to be that over the top about it because it's so easy.
It's so easy. What about sleep? Do you start losing sleep around Christmas what do you do to try to maintain that sleep yes the sleep the sleep is so important for us during this time of year it can go either way I can get in a depressive episode or a hypomanic one and normally when I'm hypomanic I'm not sleeping at all so if I notice that I actually take a medication for it so that I, an anti-anxiety at night so that I sleep.
Otherwise I am going to, I always say that I have about three days that I can go where my sleep schedule is wonky in a row. And then after that, I'm in trouble. I can't, after three days, it's. Normally, after the one night, I'll be like, okay, was that a fluke? By night two, I'm like, nope, I need to get on top of this because there's just so much going on. Like you said, it can get so exciting. Before we know it, we're hypomanic and we don't realize it right away. We think it's the holidays.
Then you're playing that catch-up game again and trying to prevent a crash and going into a depression.
There's a lot that can go into maintaining stability and sleep is a big one huge right yeah i have a few tricks that i've learned over the years and i didn't go buy everything at once but i have a christmas tea like i have a hot drink that i'll drink before so just because they say if you do some of the same things it'll remind you remind your body that this is time and then i'll put so that it i'll because sometimes i feel like i'm missing out when i go to bed early, right?
Or earlier. I also have red pajamas or just something like that. So that there's a few things that signal to my body. This is you're getting ready to go to sleep, right? But I'm making it almost like fun instead of to go to sleep. Like you sometimes, like if it's my husband's Christmas party, like that'll be one, we don't go wild, but it might be an hour or two later. So I prepare for it. I try not to book a shift that I have to get up at 634.
And I try to give me time to have to chill the next day. But like you, maybe one, maybe two late nights, but I have to, despite feeling like a bummer. And I, again, I have to tell myself like, yeah, you might be fun that one night, but you're not going to be fun for the three or four after it's not worth it. And same with alcohol, right? Everybody's drinking. So I pick what's going to be my signature holiday drink. This year, it's Diet Coke with a bit of lemon and a little coconut syrup.
I pick one so that I don't feel like I'm not having something fancy. Two, right? I'll even put it in a wine glass so that I feel fancy too and not that I'm missing out because you add not sleep excitement and some alcohol even if you think just a little bit we're so sensitive. Yeah, alcohol is one that I'll drink every once in a while, but I always know when there's going to be time.
So like my husband's Christmas party or something and you're preparing for it and you have to make sure, or for me, I have to make sure that I'm in the right state of mind. Otherwise, alcohol is off the table. It just can't be something. It's hard for anyone, but especially somebody that has a mood disorder, it can be really dangerous to mess with.
For sure. And I think that it's really important to remind yourself that when you're still fun and you can still have fun if you're not doing all of these things, right? To be able to shift your mindset that you're not a bummer and try to have things to replace. So instead of just taking something away and feeling like you're deprived, right? I had to replace it with something so that I didn't feel like that and then get mad and do the not so great choices.
Yeah, that is so helpful. I hope it's helpful for other people. If you're someone that is struggling like so hard with depression right now and even seeing people, it's actually okay to not go to the things, right? Yes. Try not to isolate yourself completely, but you don't have to do the things. And there's next year.
If it is too much for you you're not having your mental health well is not worth it and if you need to maybe only see one or two friends maybe or just even your family it's okay not to go right this is your permission slip birdie and i are writing you a permission slip to do christmas in a way that keeps you as healthy as you can be and if you're hypomanic please if you've made it this far. I know it's hard to listen when you're hypomanic or mad.
Ask for the help. Let someone know before it escalates. That would be a big one. Before we go, I would love for you to tell us a little bit about your book. I'm so glad that I was able to finish it, especially someone with ADHD. It's very hard to start and finish a project. I wrote this book. It's loosely based off of real events that have been my life.
So in there, there's descriptions of depressive episodes, and those are a lot of them straight out of real journals that I wrote that describe it. But it's about a woman living with bipolar untreated and what that looks like for someone to live with a mental illness, going through life and love and friendships and loss and struggles and everything that is involved. It's not just, yes, she lives with bipolar, but the book isn't just for someone that lives with bipolar.
It's anyone that has ever struggled with a mental health condition or know someone, you get a firsthand look at what it's like to live with a mental health condition and the struggles that we go through, the ups and the downs and what it looks like when you're not treated versus treated. It was a labor of love, definitely. And I've read through it now. When I first wrote it, I read it so many times that I was like, I can't read this again.
And And then I've been going through it again during a lot of the writing of it. I was really depressed. So there's parts in there that I like will read. And I feel so sad for the version of me that wrote it because it's like, I know where I was at those times and just reading through and knowing. So it's a real, you're really there and involved in what this woman is going through. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Is the best place to buy it on Amazon? Yeah. So it's available on Amazon for paperback and Kindle.
Okay, perfect. So yeah, my friends, go and get that. Follow Birdie. Give her some love. We hope that our tips help. Please go and check my Instagram. I have asked the question and I'm going to be putting several posts together this month on things that help.
And I would just love to hear if you want to send it in honestly I would love to hear your things let's get all of our coping skills out there to the community and yeah reach out I know Birdie's DMs are open mine are open sometimes I take a little bit but just reach out if you need one encouraging word or someone to listen uh Birdie can you tell us your Instagram handle yep it's at birdies.bipolar.com, Yeah, like you said, my DMs are always open.
I'm always trying to make sure that sometimes takes me a little bit, but I always try to get back to people. Yeah. And if you want to check out the This Is Bipolar podcast, my Instagram, it's at this.is.bipolar. And I hope that you will go back and listen to Birdie's story, scroll back through the podcast or the YouTube.
If you could give me a gift for Christmas, the biggest thing would be free likes, shares, saves, go and even if you don't watch YouTube, if you just press the subscribe button, hit the follow button. It helps the podcast get out there and it helps you not miss an episode and it just gets it into the hands of people that feel utterly alone and struggling. And to all Birdie and I's Bipolar Bears, you're not alone. You can get through the holidays.
Please take care of yourselves. Thanks again for being on, Birdie. Thank you. This is Bipolar. Thanks again for tuning in. You can find video versions of This Is Bipolar on our YouTube channel. We also have all our previous episodes of the podcast on Apple, Podbean, Spotify, and Google Play. We spend most of our time on Instagram at this.is.bipolar. There is a vibrant community there where we have conversations and post different ideas.
Ideas, and different strategies, and we'd just love for you to join us there. It is so helpful if you enjoy our work or think it would be helpful to someone if you could like and share and save and follow us in all or any of those spaces. If you're a listener for the podcast, if you could leave a review, we would be forever grateful. Again, thank you for being here with us. Let's get the word out. Let's share lived experiences so that we can change the ideas that people have
about bipolar and help those of us that live with it feel less alone. It's this. Music.