Bipolar, Birthdays and BIG feelings (BEST OF)

Music. To conversations with. My name is Shaili Kukendorn and I live with bipolar 2 disorder. Sharing with others is healing both individually and collectively. Sharing our stories will educate others, bring more understanding, shed more light and smash more stigma. Our voices need to be heard. Our stories aren't over yet. This is Bipolar. Music. Hey besties, welcome back to another episode of This is Bipolar. I am Shaili Hoogendorn. I am your host. My pronouns are she, her.

I am a mom. I am a teacher. I am a speaker, content creator, and a mental health advocate. I live with bipolar 2 disorder, and I am here today to do a solo episode that I am going to call Bipolar Birthdays and Big Feelings. It is my birthday and I am going to speak about all things birthdays. Yesterday I did a post which was a few days before my birthday and I asked if others had complicated feelings about birthdays And I had a huge response.

And so I thought, you know what, I'm going to come on here and I'm just going to talk about it because I have been reflecting over the years and I have changed things and done a lot of work around my birthday. And for some of you might be thinking that's a silly topic, but honestly, bipolar disorder can be triggered by anything, can be activated by change or excitement.

My birthday also happens to be April, as we know, April 12th, which is a time where it is shifting, especially where I live, into spring. The time change has already happened. The flowers are blooming, new life, new hope, all the things that I feel in the spring are, start to happen. And in the past, if you've listened to other episodes, you know these things about my past.

But if you haven't, go back and listen to some of the beginning episodes where I talk about my cycle because my bipolar cycle was like clockwork before medication. I would go into a deep depression. I would start in October and I would get a little up for Christmas. And then by January, I struggled to want to be a part of this world. Then the depression would last till spring. It would last usually till my birthday, maybe a little bit before it would just start near my birthday.

And then by May to September, I dealt with hypomania either on and off or even intense mania closer to September just because I am a teacher and it was the new school year and I'd be doing all the planning and such. So, birthdays. Birthdays are very complicated for me. Today, I'm going to talk a little bit about my birthdays. I'm going to talk about others' birthdays and I'm going to share some hard things that I've learned about kids' birthday parties as well.

As you're listening to this, please keep in mind that I am a teacher, I am a planner by heart, and I am an extreme extrovert. In fact, even when I have depression, doctors call it high-functioning depression. I don't like that term because it makes it sound like, one, there's a scale and something's better. High-functioning is always considered better. And that, I don't like that because I think that it's harder to diagnose and also it takes away from how hard it really is.

And it diminishes others that maybe can't experience it the way that I do, can't keep leaving the house, etc. And so I just want to preface it with that because it is my experience and it might not be the same as yours. But I'm seeing that a lot of people with mood disorders do have big feelings about birthdays, whether it's on one side of the depression scale or hypomania or all in between. Okay, let's get started. I have always made birthdays a big deal.

My family made it a big deal. It's beautiful. It's your day, especially growing up in a household where I was the oldest, but I had three brothers. And although it was only my point of view, entirely sure when it started, I have a few pictures back at some birthday parties. My mom isn't a big extrovert and had four kids. And so we didn't have the big kind of parties that we have now.

But I know that there was always this intense longing to feel so special and I don't know if that comes from being a big feelings girl obviously we did not know that I had bipolar disorder or that they say it comes out in your 20s some kids have it that were predispositioned but I always had big feelings I actually you will not even believe this was an incredibly shy and nervous and anxious child.

And my parents said, I think grade four, five, six time is when I really started almost like puberty is when I just switched and became like a huge extrovert. And so there was always this longing to feel special and loved and even more. But as I got older, I would get big expectations around things. And I would get so hyped up about my birthday and this day that I have ruined it in the past. And I guess you can't really ruin a birthday, but I would sabotage the good day.

I would be, I built it up so much that I would be disappointed no matter what. And because I threw everything into other people's birthday and tried to make them feel special, and I'm a big gift giver, and especially when I'm hypomanic, you can imagine how I would spend a lot of money and try to get people beautiful. Special, really meaningful gifts.

In fact, In fact, when I'm hypomanic, I buy a whole bunch of them and then I get so excited I give it to them and chances are I buy them another birthday present. It was definitely a spending problem, which we all know comes with impulsivity and just the spending and this excitement. I just feel so deeply about my people always, but especially want them to know around their birthdays how much they mean to me. Of a cycle of blowing up birthdays.

I have always felt, and I really, I don't know what exactly what it is. I've worked on it in therapy. If you've talked about different types of attachment or read about that, I have anxious attachment. Most of y'all know that I had back in my young 20s that I was engaged and that my fiancée at the time bailed. Not right before we started planning, but I have huge abandonment issues and such. And so I always feel.

I like my friends more than me. And so then I felt like I celebrated my friends more than me. And I would just make it impossible to please. And I would just try to control things because I used to think that I didn't like surprises because of my anxiety. Now I'm realizing they're not that bad, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I would try to control everything. I would tell my family exactly what to buy. I would pick it out.

I would try my best because I know we had a budget because my family had a lot of kids and didn't have a ton of money. And I would see what other friends were getting because all my other friends and family seemed to have more money than me. And so it was really hard to see them. I would compare what I would get for Christmas or birthdays and just equate love to presents. And so I don't know if you've done love languages.

I don't know if it's even relevant anymore, But one of the things gift giving and gift receiving, and even if it's like a special note or anything, I love, love, love that. And so if you're with a partner or a friend that isn't how they give love, then it's hard, right? I can even remember when I was dating someone, my birthday sometimes falls on Easter, and that's the worst because everybody has plans, right? And everybody's meeting up with their family and maybe going to church.

And I can't complete, y'all, that it's Easter. It's huge, right? Whether you're a chocolate bunny person or a Jesus person or both, usually it is a big deal. And so I am often forgotten during those times. It doesn't happen very often. So anyways... Surprises. I would try to control everything because then if I could control what I was getting and if I could control what was happening, then I would thought that it would help with my anxiety. That affects relationships, right?

Especially pre-diagnosis with friends, my husband, family, they would feel like they could never make me happy, which would then make me feel guilty and get this cycle. And so back to this one birthday at Easter, I remember my then boyfriend and friends just were completely ignoring me. And I felt, yeah, I just felt like they weren't calling me as much. We weren't doing things. I'm old y'all, so there wasn't texting.

So no one was really making a plan. And I was trying to be like cool and understanding because because it was Easter, I thought maybe we'd do something after. And we were just hanging out, and it was the night after my real birthday. And I was really disappointed in my boyfriend, especially because he's supposed to love me the most. And he wasn't even talking about my birthday. In fact, I don't even think he gave me a gift or a card on my birthday. And so it was really really confusing.

And so then the next night he loved bowling. Okay. Bowling was his thing with his friends. Love, love. I'd go along. Bowling was okay. I'm really good when there's bumpers. Just kidding. They even had a team. They had like shirts. It's not, they didn't compete. We just would go on Friday nights anyways. It's the day after my birthday, feeling bad for myself. And he says, let's go bowling. And I'm like.

Pissed y'all oh okay now we're gonna go do something you want to do on my birthday you haven't even acknowledged it i don't want to go so we get into a fight he's trying to get me there he won't let it go about this bowling thing he's yeah i'd just like to go and then he's maybe we'll meet a friend there or something so anyways i'm like fine i'll go i'm so mad turns out everybody was waiting because he did a surprise birthday party for me at the bowling alley and they

were waiting a good 45 minutes while we fought so i am not easy to surprise also i asked so many questions and yeah so how lovely that there was this surprise birthday. But also I totally messed it up. I don't give people a chance to even do things like that. And I'm talking pre-diagnosis because we're going to get to it. We're going to get to my strategies about dealing with birthdays better.

But fast forward, I meet my husband, I'm married, I am starting to, I make it clear that I love birthdays and that they are a big deal. And these kind of things are hard, right? If your partner's family wasn't like that or you're with someone that doesn't care that much, it's hard for them to really understand it. And two, looking back and even days after, I feel embarrassed about it, embarrassed that I make such a big deal out of things.

I didn't understand then that probably my bipolar symptoms were probably coming out. I can distinctly remember 15, 16, having the deepest depressions and then getting super excited. And I explain it like being high. I was doing all the things. I was dancing around the kitchen for no reason. I would be talking nonstop, making plans. It was the life of the par-tay. And it, yeah, it just really triggers something in me.

And I know I've talked about it before, but I'm just realizing something that was a really hard realization. To me, it makes sense that when bad things happen, that it would trigger bipolar disorder symptoms, especially because we already experienced depression and depressive symptoms for no reason. So when there's a reason, It's like twofold for me. And so I always saw those changes. But what I didn't realize is that even other changes and excitement and holidays also changed.

Trigger bipolar disorder symptoms. Love that for us, right? And so yeah, birthdays are definitely one of them. And so in early on in our marriage and pre-diagnosis, I'm trying to think how long we were married before I got the diagnosis. Married when I was 23 and I think almost 10 years before I got my diagnosis. I digress.

Early in our marriage, I controlled it all. I would even sometimes go and buy it by the present, which sometimes I still do now, just to make sure that I wouldn't be disappointed because the worst feeling was being disappointed and then hurting the person's feelings and knowing that despite how much I tried to be okay with it, it would come out in snarkiness, or maybe I would ignore my husband. And I don't know. I don't remember half of it, but I know it wasn't always awesome.

But the good thing is, I just want to say that he always tried his hardest.

And he actually got away with a surprise party one time as well for my 30th birthday. And even though I wasn't medicated then, it was actually really beautiful because I was surprised. I just thought we were going out for dinner, which I was happy enough with. And he had planned a surprise party at a friend's house. And so that was really cool. And that was a turning point to me. Maybe I can, maybe I don't have to control everything. So I can also think of times where.

Where I was disappointed in gifts, and I really struggle with that. I, especially if the person is there, I get so stressed out that what if I don't like it? What if I can't pretend? Sometimes my words can pretend, but my face isn't very good at pretending things. My face tells the truth all the time, and it's very expressive. And I would just stress so much about it, about not liking it because I didn't have a lot of money when I was a kid.

I hated that if I didn't like it, that was a waste of people's money. And then what am I supposed to do with it? The guilt of eventually giving it away or we had a small place. Anyways, it was so much anxiety. And I know that many of you can understand. And if you're listening and you're someone that doesn't live with a mood disorder, doesn't deal with this, I am telling you, it's not just a little feeling, it's like all consuming.

And I remember some gifts, I'm not going to say who that I got, and I just felt completely misunderstood, which is another trigger for me. I feel I would, I don't know why there was so much mixed up with this whole gift giving and attention thing. It was like I would be wounded and offended because if it was something that I didn't like, especially if it was not even in the realm of something that. Was me or even resembled something that I would like.

I feel like they didn't get me. They didn't take the time to get to know me. For some reason, gifts to me represent how someone feels about me. And I've done a lot of undoing of that. And I don't know if you feel the same. And then there have been some years, not as many, but some years where I haven't kicked the depression yet, or I'm just symptom-free, or where it feels doom and gloom around my birthday, right? If I am in a bad place, then I am thinking, I didn't even hit any goals this

year. I'm just getting older. What is life? Is it worth it? There's nothing to look forward to the number just kept getting bigger I would attach it with looks and wrinkles and all of those things I could make it really negative as well so it just felt like it was one or the other it felt and it's better now for sure but it just yeah it just feels like I can't just be neutral about birthdays.

And so there's that. Now I'm going to get into having kids and birthdays. And then I will tell you things that have really helped me not have as many big feelings. And when I do, how to manage those big feelings in a way that doesn't ruin the day and or really affect my relationships in a negative way. So fast forward, please remember, I am a planner. I love planning things. I also am a maker. I love to make things. I have done event planning. I love to decorate things, doing bulletin boards

for my classroom when I was a full-time teacher? Are you kidding me? My bulletin boards were awesome. Epic. I am telling you this. And so I really loved planning my daughter's birthdays. And so I made them a big deal. And now when I look back, am I proud of how the birthdays looked and how the day or the section of the day that was the birthday was absolutely you look at pictures and such but the pictures don't tell the whole truth and here's the truth is that i would i,

go completely overboard. First of all, we had a small place. So I have a friend whose mom let me use her big house. And so she had tons of rooms and I would transform the place with my themes. Okay. My daughter's turning one, the other one's turning two, right? Like I'm making, they did not need this. I would invite everyone and their friends. And it was just a time too, because I couldn't do that in my smaller townhouse, that I just invited everyone.

And the outfit that I would pick out for my kids, some of the themes were like the, I had a Dora party because my daughter loved Dora. My other daughter's birthday is October 27th. So generally it was a dress up party. I did animals, butterfly party. We did a rock star party, princess party, of course. And I will tell you a little bit how those went. And so I would completely transform the place. I was resourceful. I made things out of things I had.

But also, if you added it up, I am sure it was a lot more money than probably what, Would have been in the budget if I budgeted. And weeks before, I would be making decorations, making banners, buying balloons, figuring out the decor, planning games, planning. I always did a circle time and read stories back then because, remember, that's my thing, teaching. And I would just, everything had to be themed, like completely themed out, including what they were going to wear.

Yeah. And then my outfit and even my husband's had to maybe not match, but go. And it was a lot. And I remember specifically too, with one of my daughters who also gets hyped up about birthdays and or just has big feelings as well, would usually have meltdowns that day. And usually the day, the days before the party, I wouldn't really be sleeping. I'd be just, everything was party. I would be bossing my husband. I was not kind to my husband.

I would, he couldn't do anything. He had to just, then I would be mad because it's like, I'm doing everything. Meanwhile, it was my choice, right? And so he would try so hard and then everything would be so hyped that actually, I would get more and more irritable coming up to some of the parties. And then usually, I'm embarrassed to say, there was little arguments with the kids. And maybe not, I wasn't arguing, but they would have a meltdown and probably could feel my frustration.

Luckily, I wasn't someone that would verbally take things out on my kids.

And they wouldn't have known except for a vibe or they would feel probably feel it when I was like snappy or snippy or short tempered with my husband but they can feel it right they can feel when you really want something and I just couldn't let it go when she might not want to wear the outfit or she pulled out the hair ribbon and I would just keep forcing it instead of letting it go whereas in our regular life I would be like okay it's not a big deal like

why am I forcing to do this but I would just be in birthday mode. And so there would be sometimes tears before, or I would be like yelling, get ready. And we'd have to take everything over there. It was a big deal. It would take hours to set up and maybe my kid needed a nap. We didn't have two cars then. There would usually be either exhaustion or crying after because they would be so tired. The birthday part, usually they would have a lot of fun. My one daughter has big feelings.

Like me, there would usually be at one point she would have a little meltdown or a cry. She especially had it at her sister's because she had trouble it not being her party. So I think that's just her that has big feelings. But perhaps I've passed that down, which would be sad. But I can specifically remember I wouldn't let people help. People would offer to help, but because I was hypomanic, I didn't think they could do as good of a job as me.

So I wouldn't get help, but I would be mad that I didn't have help. And I remember melting down over the princess party. I'm telling you, friends, despite my best efforts, I wrote an essay in university how I'm not going to be gender specific with my kids and I'm not going to do things like a bad body image. Like I had a problem with Barbies back then and everything was really much more gendered even then and then now. And I didn't want them to just be the princess thing.

Let me tell you, it doesn't matter what you do, your kid's going to be their own kid. And my one daughter was into princesses like you couldn't even imagine. I had to... Not let her wear it to school every day. She just always, the prince getting married, she married everything. I remember one time I took out my wedding dress and she was pooling around her and she just wanted to stand in it. She married my husband, her stuffies, my mom, her papa, everybody.

And in fact, she had one dress because she was really into Sleeping Beauty that even I would leave it wet in the washing machine and she would pull it out and wear it wet. I tried everything. I tried to hide it sometimes just because it was every single day for a lot of days. And y'all know how much I love clothes and I had cute clothes for her and she would only wear this dress.

So the princess party was really a big deal. I wanted it to be amazing and just it was like somebody spit up all the pink everywhere and I had stations, y'all. We built like a castle with a castle tunnel out of fridge boxes. We played a game where they had to pop the bubbles with their like swords when they pretended to be knights with these fake things.

And I read stories and it was intense. anyways, the night before, two nights before, I'm freaking out because I bought all these things from Michael's to make a castle cake. And that's not my forte. I'm not good at decorating cakes. I can't even get the icing on the cupcakes all to match. It's very frustrating for someone who wants it to be perfect. There wasn't that big cake thing that there is now.

I 100% would have probably bought a $100 beautiful themed cake that's made by amazing cake makers. But at that time, that wasn't really a thing that you did, but it was like, do your own, but try and make it fancy. And so I had this whole set to make like those towers that Rapunzel's in and all these things. But I, it's like I was shutting down. I couldn't figure out any more birthday things. And I remember my husband offering and I remember I cared what people thought about the parties too.

I remember just wanting to impress everybody all the time because it was one thing I was really good at, but of course had to take it too far. And so he offered to make it. And I remember just going to bed and crying and the cake is ruined, the party's ruined, everything sucks. It was after the kids went to bed that I made a big deal out of it because I wanted to. I think what I'm trying to say is that I shielded my kids a lot from this.

I'm very worried that you're going to think I'm a bad mother. My husband, y'all, stepped up. He's always been good at, like he did the kids' hair for ballet because I would freak out about that being perfect, all of the things. So he made this princess cake. Y'all put it on Instagram and it was phenomenal. I remember just being so happy and I think that was a huge realization for me at that time.

A couple weeks later when I was like reflecting, I realized I can let people help and actually I am making everything worse for everybody when I don't let people help. And I remember that really fondly, and I'm so grateful for that with him because he would try to, now I use the words, regulate me, but nothing he could do was right. And I think that for some reason, just doing that clicked in my head that I could count on him.

And I'd love to say that I changed after that, but it took a while, y'all. I remember for my one daughter's eighth birthday, it was the first time she didn't want a home party. She wanted to go to the place where you do splatter paint. And I remember all I had to do was bring the stuff. Like I didn't decorate. It was already an art splatter background. I made everything else a big deal, but I got there and I set things up and they did the party. The party, I didn't do anything.

I didn't lead songs. I didn't read. I didn't anything. The whole part of the party was that. And I stood back and watched and I was like, why haven't I done this sometimes before? I did struggle a lot. I struggled. I cried. That's what you wanted in private because I wanted to do those parties so much. And I wanted them to have those big parties because that wasn't a thing when I was a kid. You had hot dogs and sometimes you had friends over and you played.

Maybe you got to do the pin the pit tail and the donkey. I would make up games like pin the wand on the princess and make it from scratch. I did Frozen Birthday, La La Loopsie Birthday. Anyways, I'm going to share some on Instagram because I am proud of parts of it. And please, I know that I probably stressed other moms out thinking they had to live up to that. but that's the things I love and the things I'm good at. Am I good at all parenting things? No. And of course, again, I took it too far.

Those are some of the things about birthdays. And you can imagine how sad I was during COVID not to be able to do birthdays.

And generally, some of the things that I have learned to make it better is this, ask for what you want and need. And not in a controlling way, but just ask yourself. For what you need. That to me looks like throwing my own birthday party. It was twofold because again, I'm cleaning my house perfectly before the birthday party. Unfortunately, pre-medication, I would have won a lot and I would be so stressed on my birthday or my birthday party night because I wanted it to be perfect again.

Really reflect on what you want. And so I've written things down, a list of what is actually important to me, what can I let go, is there something that I really want that I can tell my husband should, can I let it go if it's going to be a surprise, now we'll do, because that's disappointing for him too, because he wants to buy gifts for me. And maybe surprise or at least take a shot at seeing if he can get something that I like.

And so now, you know, we've compromised where I'll make a list and then I don't know what it's going to be because he's going to pick it off the list. But I think writing down those things. My thing is not always waiting for others to do things or asking.

Yes, there's a time for surprises. But if you're not in that space and you know that you end up being really sad on your birthday and you actually don't want to be alone, or what's probably not healthy for you to be alone, I now try to plan something with at least one person on the actual day, because I'd be like, I'm having a birthday party later. But yeah, whether it be a little brunch, or just something.

And so I have made lists, and I have reflected, and I have reminders to myself about how I felt after. So that if I am having hypomanic symptoms, that I can really look at the list and be like, this was a disaster before, or you don't want to feel like this. I don't want to do the apology tour after my birthday about everyone that I've offended or hurt their feelings, or I'll immediately get embarrassed if I was too over the top kind of thing.

As I'm getting older, I value that deep connection time. And so I do much smaller things and some one-on-one things or just a small circle because then I get that deep talks and feel like I connected, whereas I'm flitting around at a party and trying to make sure the food's okay. So I never really get to, truly visit. I really wanted a big 40th birthday party. And I wanted to remember that because I really started struggling with the aging around that time.

And it's always been like on TV or just really influence everybody's 40. Same with 30. So I decided that I'm not going to play into that narrative and I wanted to celebrate it. Now my 40s, the coolest thing about getting older is you just care less what people think. Of course, my disorder makes me care with the anxiety, but not as much as I used to. For my 40th birthday party, I was like, you know what? I want the perfect pictures. I want some fun things. I want to do something funny.

I want to remember I'm going to do an adult cake smash. And I even had the sign, you know, Usually people are like, 12 months, this is the kids into trucks or princesses. I put things that I made one of those boards. I got my friend with fancy writing to make it. And you'll see if you're on my Instagram, some pictures. I smashed that cake right into my face and I ate it. And someone took pictures, my friend Emily. And actually, I was starting to plan my own 40th.

And my friend was like, let us plan your birthday party. And so I got robbed to give a budget and it was everything so awesome and one of the coolest things that we did was everyone brought something to that they wrote or like a blessing or something we went around a circle and they said things that they loved about me and I could cry that was so beautiful but.

That's another episode about friendship. And now I really, instead of being friends with every, trying to bring everybody as close, I realized I could only have so many close friends and not try to be the everybody's person. And yeah, finding the right friends. And I really hope if you're struggling or you haven't had this before that, you know, it isn't making you feel bad. I just, I want to tell my story. And I had terrible birthdays.

I had crying in my room birthdays. I had birthdays that I didn't want to be here. I had birthdays where I thought nobody cared. I have many disappointed birthdays. So if you're someone that has all those feelings, I want to honor that. And I think that if you need to, you know, hide out on your couch and just watch Netflix all day because you don't want to acknowledge your birthday, that is fine too.

I just encourage you to connect with one person because I know that despite these feelings, depression can lie to us and tell us that we don't need community or connection. So even if you just talk to one person, yeah. Yeah. So something else I've done, I've talked about the writing down of needs, about presence.

If you don't, like I'm talking about friends and husband, and if you don't have that, you don't have close friends or your husbands, then I would buy myself something, treat myself in a way that is sustainable. And I always have to put the caveat of with hypomanic, I say celebrate yourself, but we know that could end up being thousands and thousands of dollars.

So within reason, obviously. I think another thing that Facebook has been really awesome for birthdays because, one, everybody remembers. I know that I'm telling everyone my age who's on Facebook, but you get some messages from people out of the woodwork that you don't even really talk to since high school, which is really wonderful. Take care of yourself. Yeah. If you need to message me and tell me that it's your birthday, I will send you a birthday message to hype you up.

I can be your hype girl, birthday girl. I always got dressed on my birthday. And as you can see, I wore my sparkle dress for this day. Even if I was just, even if I'm doing whatever, I put on something that makes me happy. Maybe sweatpants make you happy. Sparkles make me happy. And just even if you just get dressed that day, even if you can't have a shower, get some wet wipes and tidy up and just it, the power of getting dressed.

And for me, the power of putting on like even lipstick or something, it really does change things. And what I mean is not dramatic. It could just be a little, right? Those little steps help. If you are really depressed, I think making a list to stay alive. I've done 45 reasons to stay alive because I turned 45 last year. I am probably going to have to post a few today because I think as of yesterday, I was on 42 or 43, but it was a really powerful thing to do last year because

I was having those feelings. not a full-on depression. I haven't had one of those since meds, but like a. Low-grade wondering and not feeling myself for my best and having irritability symptoms, less sadness. But I did the 45 Reasons to Stay Alive and I knew I wouldn't do it on my own. So it was really nice that I was able to do it on Instagram and it was little things. And I realized as it's wrapping up, there are so many more I wanted to do.

So I'm hoping to do maybe a monthly segment about reasons to stay alive, because it could be as small as my coffee in the morning, right? It could be just seeing my cherry blossoms of a cherry blossom tree. I'm actually right out there. It's blooming out my window. And I would just suggest if you are not feeling like you want to be a part of this world on your birthday party, hold on, write down a few things. If that is hard for you again, reach out, maybe take a look at my 45 reasons.

You don't have to write 45 on your birthday, but even just what is your reason that day. I also write a two-part list. I write a sometimes three-part. I write a dream list. So I write the pie in the sky stuff So it's out there and I just get it out of my body. Then I write more of a realistic list of what are a few things I could do that year, right? Or a list, I get it down to 10. And then I also make a list like, is that actually in my budget?

So that I don't compare to other people's trips and things and spend all our money trying to have the dream list. So I have different parts and I show it to like my husband and ask what is feasible because something I do on my birthday is sometimes think I haven't done this yet or I said I do this year and as I don't make resolutions, I pick a word of the year. I try not to make big, big goals. And if you're a goal person, that's cool.

But goal, like big, like goal setting, like intentional goal setting stresses me out. And I know that many professionals would say do that. I know, but I know it doesn't work for me. It, I have to almost do, just think about really realistic things I want to do. It's just the word goal. Do I write things down? Do I, I do it. A lot of these things I do. I just do it in my own way. And just be gentle with yourself. And sometimes you'll just have to tell yourself, this year it's just a day.

It's just a day. It doesn't have to be. And everything doesn't have to fall on that day. You can have a celebration of yourself on any day. It's just a day. And if you just need to get through it, then that is fine too. If you don't want any attention, that is okay too. There is no right way to celebrate a birthday.

And so I just want to give you permission to give yourself permission to just be on that day. I just wanted to share a few things. It felt really good to be able to share that and just admit sometimes these perfect looking parties on the outside or sometimes these perfect looking days. And I get afraid to post them because I don't want to hurt anybody or I don't, I know I try to be real. But sometimes I want to post some highlights, right?

Because I think that to show people that bipolar isn't a death sentence, you can have a beautiful life and a flourishing life. It's a hard life. It's a messy life. Some days are terrible and I will never glorify our symptoms. It can be messy and beautiful is what I say. Even if you aren't where you thought you would be in your life, I encourage you not to compare yourself to other people. I know that's hard. Just as you're doing it, tell yourself, try and convince your brain not to.

And I'm hoping to have a birthday this year. Not a good birthday, not a great birthday, just a birthday. I thought that this solo episode would be like 10 minutes, and clearly it has been a while. So I will sign off. I just wanted to remind you all how loved you are and how special you are. There is a group of us, a big group of community on Instagram. That's where I spend a lot of my time, where you can connect. I will answer your message.

Sometimes it takes me a while, but I will. And if I don't answer it the first time, send it again in case it's gotten lost. There is also subscriptions there. It took me a long time to monetize anything, but the podcast, luckily, Pinch Me, is really well-received and well-liked, and it is work. And I just love doing the content creation, but again, it is work. And I think that all of the work that we do as mental health advocates, I tell everyone else and now I'm telling myself, is valuable.

And so all that to say is I have subscriptions on Instagram and it is $6.99 a month. And there is... An extra episode for almost every podcast where we go deeper that no one else gets to listen to, but the subscribers. It's called Going Deeper. I have extra content in there. We also have a social channel, which is just like text or WhatsApp group in Instagram called Bipolar Besties.

And we check in daily and I have questions that I ask in there and or we just, it's like a little support group in there. So I would love, love, love for you to join. Some people say I just want to support your work, but I'm not in a place where I want to participate. You don't have to be seen in that place. You can sign up just to support the work that I do. If this podcast means something to you, stay messy and beautiful and hold on. If you're someone struggling right now. I see you.

I've been there. This is Bipolar. Thanks again for tuning in. You can find video versions of This is Bipolar on our YouTube channel. We also have all our previous and soon-to-be future episodes of the podcast on Apple, Podbean, Spotify, and Google Play. We spend most of our time on Instagram at this.is.bipolar. There is a vibrant community there where we have conversations and post different ideas and different strategies and we'd just love for you to join us there.

It is so helpful if you enjoy our work or think it would be helpful to someone And if you could like and share and save and follow us in all or any of those spaces. If you're a listener for the podcast, if you could leave a review, we would be forever grateful. Again, thank you for being here with us. Let's get the word out. Let's share lived experiences so that we can change the ideas that people have about bipolar and help those of us that live with it feel less alone.

This is Bipolar. Bye. Music.