(BEST OF) EPISODE 12- Hypomania -problems & pittfalls

My name is Julie Kraft and I have Bipolar 2 Disorder.

I'm Julie Hoogendorn and I live with Bipolar 2 Disorder. I was diagnosed 10 years ago at the age of 36. I was told of my diagnosis and I remember being relieved but also terrified. I know the perceptions and the stigma that goes along with it. I started sharing my story about four or five years ago. I decided to come forward and start sharing. It's led to me meeting the most amazing people walking the same path. So we had talked about collaborating.

My greatest hope is that others will hear our stories and feel less alone. We can offer insight and give the world a real-life living example of what bipolar disorder can look like. This is bipolar. This is bipolar.

Hello, friends. We are back. This is almost the follow-up episode. Hopefully, you'll watch the one before this where we talk about all the beautiful things about hypomania. Julie and I both have bipolar 2, so that means we have hypomania. We've defined it all and explained that in the previous episode, so we just want to get started right away talking about the other side.

Of course, we'll mention a little bit of the ups that caused the other side, but we wanted to separate the two just because we find that only one side is really shown, or it's shown in such extremes. You know, you see the. Quirky, quirky manic on TV where it's like beautiful and fun and which it is, or like really probably full blow mania. So we're trying to explain, I think hypomania is misunderstood.

So we want to shed light to that. So in our last episode, we talked a lot about the creativity and the births and the things in our body.

So we might talk a little bit about just touch on those projects if you're like julia chaley i don't know what project you're talking about in the last episode go over there and watch it i suggest you watch it first but we're so glad you're here i think you'll understand regardless so surely let's go back to your creative projects or actually let's go back to pre-medications.

And if you guys know us and the other things, Julie and I have both made the choice to take medication to help us manage our symptoms. So we talk a lot about what it was like before and what it's like now. So I'd love to do that with our hypomania and the hard parts and the ugly parts. And so bring me back to before and what you know now were hypomanic episodes. And what those looked like. You bet. Okay, so tiny bit of background. I was diagnosed at age 36 as a wife and a mother.

So we are now heading back before that and before I decided to take medication as part of my treatment plan for my bipolar.

So as a wife and a mom that was untreated with medication my hypomania manifested mostly in the realm of being involved in my kids lives and so in their schools so as a creative person that loved everything to do with the arts including decorating event planning I would often get involved at my kids schools and when I say involved, I mean jumping in with both feet headfirst, just out of sheer excitement and having a burst of energy. And a lot of times I would get on a project.

I know we mentioned this in the previous episode that the sky was never the limit as far as creativity or planning something. So I would become so excited that I would overcommit and then become so hyper-focused that everything else fell to the wayside. And so as a mom, unfortunately, that meant my kids. I'm going to go right down to even some of their basic needs. I still fed them, but it was a quick hot dog at dinner because I was so excited about planning this fundraising event. And laundry?

Forget about it. Our laundry room had a mountain of clothes about 500 feet high. And so groceries, house cleaning, even birthday parties for the kids. If I was intently working and hyper-focused on a much more exciting event than a. Everything else was disregarded, and even my husband. And so at the time, I think I justified it by saying, I'm doing a good thing. I'm helping out the school. It's a fundraiser. And people did say, great job. You're amazing.

So I think you justify it by telling yourself you're being part of something amazing. You're creating something with deep purpose.

But if it's at the expense of your kids or your family or your marriage or your friendships then that's where the trouble can come in so before i was medicated i had no sense of self-awareness and i i simply didn't realize the damage that was being done and i guess i'll just go right into it it did ultimately take my husband i think seeing the effects of the negative effects of my hypomania unmanaged, he saw the effects on my kids and felt the effects personally.

And I think he ultimately did give me an ultimatum to go and get help. And I really do think it was in large part due to my hypomania that was unmanaged and the negative effects. So I know you've also chosen medication.

And so I'm just curious, too, how did hypomania look for you before medication? And what, if any, were some of those negative parts? So it looked totally awesome and totally terrible. I think that because I had such deep depressions, the trade-off of the bad parts of hypomania made up for didn't seem that bad because I would take that over depression any day. Well, it took me a long time to even admit or see the other side.

And like you said, self-awareness, because you're so self-involved and hyper-focused and so on fire.

You can't see the other side right and so for me it was pouring into a different project or and same we have a lot of similarities there yeah but so fundraisers and events and things like that but like you said i call them shaley's frozen feasts because the dinner seemed and it seemed so like annoying and unimportant and honestly until i had children and medication i would forget to eat for so many hours and then eat and it was so dysfunctional that

way and like having children made me eat regular.

Meals but yeah and it would just be beautiful things and yeah is you get i got addicted to the compliments and because the things that i'm good at are very outward looky do you know what i mean like you can see them whereas some people have huge talents that aren't like like minor instagramable and pinterest worthy kind of things not to brag or i thought they were so it looks do you know what i mean you look more like you have it all together Whereas if I was like an amazing scientist,

you might not know. I'm, that's like the author's. But it got to the point of perfection, and I would hurt people's feelings because I would have to change it. I couldn't just be okay with if I had a vision for it or I thought it was supposed to be. I would have to kindly try and change it.

Or and I couldn't it seems in the moment it seems so important yeah I'm talking not life or death but like catastrophically important and it's so embarrassing later because you're like did that really matter was that worth risking a friendship at a school or was that worth.

Worse hurting someone's feelings or one of the things that i do too is that i think so quickly and i think of the good side and the bad side and i think of all the things so quickly that i'm very quick to tell people they're wrong or not even i don't even my husband's always like you don't even take a pause to consider my ideas and in my head it's i already thought of it and i thought poke tolls in it. So why would I waste my time, which is terrible? Listen, I have things to do.

I am throwing the best carnival and raising the most money that anyone has ever. I'm very competitive. It's embarrassing, not for a competitive, like my family makes fun of me. I always tell people now, okay, if you want to play games, we promise we'll still be friends after. I am apologizing ahead of time. And yes, it just takes over. And I just need to feel it's addictive too.

And you need to feel good in the moment. So I just do the next best thing that feels good, that helps me escape yucky feelings. So it's fast and it just, I just, it feels like I can't control myself. And it's so embarrassing because, and awful because people don't deserve it. And you can't use it as an excuse, but it is an explanation. It is a hundred times harder for me to calm down or me to do these things that you should be able to do. And unfortunately, I care what the outside world thinks.

So the brunt of it will be on the people that I love the most, like my mom and my husband, right? I because I'm a teacher I'm very passionate about kids so I think my kids might feel it more because of they overwhelm me with a lot of feelings as teenagers but like little kids are my thing so they like had the best parties they had the the I made their childhood like over the hot because I didn't like to stay home. We were at a park every day.

We were like, now I'm the person that drives my kids to school in their pajamas, but there's no way. I was up and like day three of having kids, day four, full makeup, full, like I had to look like I had it together because inside I didn't, I did not.

I'm very curious for you. Did you feel, so when those things got in the way laundry like all those things tell me what you would feel like would you just feel numb to it or would you feel like angry and like they're annoying and that tell me how you felt when you were like in the zone what were the negative feelings that you had towards mundane things that were getting in the way yeah exactly what you said a half full why do we have to eat? Why do I have to clean?

And thank goodness I've now realized that. You need to have balance. As a wife and a mom, I now realize my kids needed me. And I just think I was so focused on the project. They would say, Mom, that's all you talk about. It's all you do. My manuscript when I was working on my book was always with us on holidays, in the car. I could not stop. And I really didn't stop until it was published.

And so it's really bittersweet because yes I finished a book which for me was a major accomplishment but it came at a cost and I think my kids missed out on having their mom around a lot of the time and my focus I will admit it wasn't my kids for a few years in there and I do get choked up about it so when I look at my book there are mixed feelings I'm still glad I wrote it, but I just wish I had the self-awareness that I do now.

But yeah, I looked at all of those things as just obstacles that were going to prevent me from getting my project done. So I would let the fridge get very empty and the kids would say, the milk's rotten. And it's, I used to joke about it, but it's not really that funny. And I think about my husband just waiting in the sidelines.

And sometimes i worked all day on the book and then into the night and then there were many sleep with nice which i thought were fantastic until i figured out that when i'm underslept i become an absolute monster and then my entire world comes crashing in and i snap at my kids snap at my husband and i see them as almost this these obstacles for me when i'm trying to get this amazing, life-changing, world-changing work done.

And so I think I'm so glad we're doing this episode because I know if I had watched that a few years back, I might have been able to say. Whoop, I need to take a step back. And so I think it's also important to clarify that I was on medication. And I didn't start my book till I think four years after my diagnosis.

So even on medication, which has helped a little bit, I still hadn't learned how to manage and harness that energy and that creative rocket fuel that my hypomania would bring and still brings. So it's It's definitely been a learning process and I have guilt and I have shame, but I think all we can do is move forward. But I'm curious for you, Shaley, how did you balance motherhood and being a wife when you were working on a project? Did you somehow manage to get

it all done or did you let things drop in certain areas? Yeah, for sure. I don't know if I can ever claim the word balance. And I've come to accept that. I come a little bit closer. But I, yeah, I deal with a lot of frustration. And I was so embarrassed for so long. But I can admit it now, anger. Like, it would make me furious. I would get into these things like, why is this my job? Why is this a division of labor? We chose that I, so I work now a little bit.

I work. For money and then a lot of volunteering. A lot of work. Very hard. Yes. I'm trained as a person and as a woman. If it's not paid, it's not important. But I do a lot of work. I put in, yeah. And mom, like, are you kidding me? Full time. I'm CEO of my home. Let's see. Yes. But I think I just would feel, even now, sometimes I get in that mood when I get overwhelmed.

I'm angry. And I just, I've ever since I've been, yeah, it's, someone explained it, like, I'm not good at constructive criticism. I'm not actually good at much of any criticism. Now I can from outside, but like close people. Yeah. Because I have beaten myself up. More than you could ever imagine in my head that if someone verbalizes anything that I've said to myself, it's cemented as true. And which causes a problem because your people, and again and again,

I would say my husband gets separate to it. He's my closest person, right? Yeah, you don't give them room because you're devastated if they're just trying to help out.

Or if they now i can do it but if they would comment on me not being able to handle anything where i've noticed like if they brought up symptoms or stuff like that i was just, so offended and i used to think i didn't care what people thought because i do all the things and i do think like i'm not afraid to do putting myself out there but actually i've realized that I actually do care it just in a different way not like nervous about things I just I want.

Yeah I want people I do want people to notice things I do like we all want to feel like we're belong or special but yeah I definitely deal with anger and that's taken a long time because I thought it took me a long time to separate it from me and like you said even after medication there's these things so we've had these coping mechanisms and i'm trying to look at it like a lot of i've been taught through therapy and different people i follow online that those worked for you then like

you kept yourself safe then by doing those things were they the right thing to do right or were they this but that's what you were trying to do so then i can't just because I can get stuck in beating myself up or the past or relive things over and over, especially things that bring a lot of shame.

It's really hard to replace those with new behaviors when you've done that forever, even though you know all the things, even though I always joke, I don't do half the things that I preach or talk about. I'm basically my whole accountant, my whole everything is like talking to myself. And I think just in this last year, I've claimed the idea of anger and I struggle.

I can't even explain to you how i can explain to you but i can explain to people how like you're in a bubble of i am furious i'm hot i'm like i it takes over i'm so angry and later on with hindsight you can be like why was i so angry but you the physical dysregulation in my body is so terrible that I just I just really struggle to see clearly and I just I wanted to share because I think this was a big step for me you you

had been interviewed and been on a BP Hope by Color Hope magazine before and you had given them my name to be interviewed and I was interviewed about anger and I was very nervous to to talk about that because that's something that I'm still working on in terms of holding the shame with that. And so I got it. And I haven't shared it yet, only because they use the word rage, right? So it's like anger attacks and by the rage. And then the image.

Now I think it's funny, but when I first got it, I'm like, okay, so it takes of lovely and fierce rhinoceros and i'm like i just felt oh when i own that and really could you make it any bigger so i decided to take that into a positive and now i joke with my friends when i'm trying to figure out my mood like how do you feel on the scale of zero to angry bipolar, rhinoceros. I made it into that. But yeah, I want to ask you a few more questions.

And then there was a few things that I didn't even know I said, because when I get interviewed or when we do this, I rarely remember the things that I've said, but there's a few things I said in here. I was like, I said that. So I want to tell you about them later. But yeah, one of the big things for me is, yeah, this is Rach. Do you feel anger and rage? Oh, is that a question to me? Yes. And I know there's also mixed mania or dysphoric mania where you actually feel both.

And I think I have felt that at times. And I think it's the exhilaration of the creativity, the ideas and the energy, and then the frustration of not being able to fully pursue that. And that's where even people talking or phone calls that, no. This is a distraction. You're interrupting me. And I'd like to think that I've become much better at managing that and realizing if I'm working on a project, I need to set limits for myself.

I need to, if I'm painting something, as hard as it is, I used to leave everything out for months and the kids would have to move my paint brushes to find a spot to eat. But I try so hard now to find that balance. And I think when I have that balance, I get less angry.

I get less frustrated. I'm also very aware of my sleep now so even if it's 1 a.m and I am fired up as hard as it is I tuck myself in bed because I now know and I've been made aware by my family who are amazing in my I'll say recovery although that term sometimes doesn't sit well with me but they are such a huge part of keeping me well that once my daughter found me up and she just said, Ma, get to bed. You know what's going to happen if you don't get your sleep.

I know you're excited, but get your butt in bed. And so I think the more self-aware I am, the less angry I tend to feel. But I definitely, I mean, anything, even a well-meaning person calling to wish me happy birthday, if it took me away from me working on an event or something. There was that reaction, I'm like, how dare you distract me from this? And I'm like, get on with it. Yep. Exactly. Thanks to that. Of course, hindsight is 20-20. And looking back, I see this all.

But in those moments when you are working on it, it's just blinders up. Hopefully this episode as people are listening i know everyone's at different stages in their journeys whether you're just curious or you're watching this as a loved one living alongside, i think our goal in sharing all of this as hard as it can be and as angry as right as we might be it's to just give those examples our experiences our insights what we've learned so yeah in terms of anger, you betcha.

I definitely have had, and I'm sure I still will because it still is. It's a journey. It's a struggle. And you have physical symptoms still. And I'm not currently involved in anything big, but I feel myself being pulled and getting a little bit passionate about things. And I know I have to be so careful. It is such a journey. So thank goodness going forward. I'm much more aware. But yeah, we are definitely still.

I need to ask you, are you aware now when you when that energy is coming and not on guard, but just can you see the signs?

And I know in a previous episode you had mentioned that you were very cyclical in terms of your hypomanic episodes or depressive episodes and yeah now this far in and i think we were diagnosed both of us was it 2010 yeah so we are i'm really bad at math but i can't believe we are 11 years in our as diagnosed so i just wonder where you're at in terms of being self-aware and are the negative parts and that anger getting less and less? Yeah. Yes and no. I am able sometimes to de-escalate quicker.

I am some, since medication, it's like it regulates my body more so that I can even, because before your body's so dysregulated that you can't even, I couldn't even get to helping the behavior because I'm just trying to feel better.

I don't know if you get this, but, and then I'll finish the answer to your question, but I get I call them my spidey senses and now as a teacher there's language for it and it's called sensory issues when I'm hypomanic I'm never just but I guess balanced is the word inside so I'm either too hot too cold itchy everything's bright everything's loud it's too quiet it's too it's just all it feels like the whole world is coming at me when you see those movies and it's like swirling,

almost like Matrix, but the opposite so fast. And so I have a hard time. I'm dealing with so much of this. I'm just doing the next thing to feel better. And in the moment, it feels better to get the snappy thought out, right? So I still struggle a lot with it. Does it get to the extremes that it did before? I know a couple of times we had a fight and I I wanted to be right and I wanted to show him and make him feel bad and no matter at all costs.

And so I would say that I'm going for walks, but I would like leave for hours for a walk or I would like secretly I'd want him to stink that maybe like he needs to appreciate me more. Like I it was not fair or kind of. I still, so one of the things that's made me self-aware of just in the past few years that has helped is, and I'll always talk about, she's my helper, Dr. Renee Brown, talks about, she has this video and it's about being a blamer.

And i'll put the name in the show notes or whatever but it how some people go from like something bad happening even though it's very loosely related to who to blame and i do that it's my immediate reaction like it's because i don't want to feel the guilt or shame or something i don't even know what happens and this is like an actual i don't know medical thing like it's actually a thing.

And that really helped me understand. And the fact that I can like joke about it and, but I still have a hard time not doing it. So in the video, she is wearing like a white kind of outfit. It's cartoon. And she drops her coffee cup and it splashes all over.

And literally she goes from, she's by herself and she thinks, she says, damn you, Steve, her husband, not even in the room but she goes from he stayed out later the night before playing water polo which made her nervous so she didn't get to sleep in time so that was her second cup of coffee and that is why she dropped it and it I was like ding ding I was like that's for me I don't know what it is in me that goes from zero to blame and zero to anger and what I've

pieced together therapy and such is just that piece about that negative voice in my head or that how hard I am on myself is that taking on that blame. I feel like I'm going to spiral and not come out of it. So I'd prefer to blame other people. And we joke in my family too, if I'll do it. And one of my children is the same. So we'd be like, blame her. Then we're like, oh, yeah, okay. Like we, yeah. But I think, and this is why I think therapy and other things are so important.

Not just in crisis, like tune up all the time. And just maybe see that I wasn't alone too, that this like finding out that bipolar rage is a thing. Then it was able to take it out of me and it not be a part of who I am fundamental as a person. Because I think I'm a pretty kind person, so that didn't mesh with how I wanted to see myself. Yeah. And your question on balance, I would love to say that I'm completely self-aware, but I'm able to stop myself faster.

I'm able to regulate a little bit faster, but it depends on the day. I since COVID started I have rough weekends I just really do because we can't do anything and we're all together and I expect I get all excited about the weekend and I'm really struggling I've struggled the most with my anger this I've struggled this year yeah one of the things that I wanted to ask you was what do you find that it's so confusing to me to pull this away from personality and what is bipolar, what is personality.

So I've stopped doing that because it's impossible. But do you ever think about that? Like I used to spend days and hours trying to figure out like, is this bipolar? Is this shady? Is this? And it didn't help me with any of my journey towards wellness.

Yeah. Well, I definitely know from all the amazing, wonderful, creative people living with bipolar disorder, from all the people I've met, I definitely know that there is a common theme and I'm going to pat us all on the back that we do have these amazing creative minds that do think outside the box and so I think I think it's all connected and I am a person of faith and I do believe that I've been created and wired specifically the way I should be and so I think my creativity

and then those hypomanic bursts of energy are all interconnected and then it's up to me to be responsible and be diligent and make the most of that. And so I really, I'm not totally there yet, but I think as long as I can harness that energy and harness that creativity and be so careful about what I choose to pour it into, I used to say yes to everything.

I would overcommit and then I would get resentful and angry and, And then throw in trying to be a mom. So I think, you know, looking to the future, as long as I am so careful and so aware and I know that everything I say yes. To means I'm saying no to something else. So I want to be 1000% sure that when I jump into a project.

I can do it with balance and remember and not let it take over and remember that I also have a husband and a kids and there are so many other pieces and parts of my life that I can't just neglect.

So I know I'm rambling here but I really think that it's all intertwined and I think my bipolar mind helps to take that creativity to the next level and when I do have an idea I think it helps me pursue it with a passion and take it beyond my wildest dreams and I'm committed to doing that for the rest of my life I know we always try to talk about what's your purpose or finding your purpose and i think our purpose can change sometimes it can just be being and loving the people around us but i am

committed for the rest of my life to fostering that creativity and when my hypomania hits i want i want to be able to use that to the best of my ability to put more wonderful things out in the world so i'm going to stop rambling right now but what are your thoughts on that yeah part of creator shaley with bipolar nah i know i used to try and figure that out and i used to think that this idea of a ride or that i should be able to be perfectly balanced or.

Have amazing boundaries and i think once i accepted that this isn't linear and that i'm not going to arise and that I'm not going to conquer or I didn't think of it as something I work alongside of it. I've probably told this story a million times, but I will say it again because I think if there's someone new listening, this simple little thing of therapy changed a huge way of way I think. So she said, picture yourself in a small room. You're in a pool.

You have a beach ball, right? You're like, it's pretty small room. So think of your beach ball as like your anxiety or your depression or the thing, right? First of all, the biggest thing is to think of it outside yourself. And then, okay, so this is the thing. If you push it under as hard as you can, metaphorically ignore it, all those things, eventually it's going to come back up and it's going to what? Explode. No. Maybe hit you in the face. Maybe...

Go really far and hit someone else. All of those things. Also, and I didn't relate to that one as much because I don't shove things down. I'm the opposite. Sometimes I wish I could just kick them down just for a little bit. But I am the one that bats it away. And when you're in a small place, it's bats. It's going to come back at you and back at you and hit people and hit things and destroy things.

And I think about that was relationships. And I remember her saying, what if the beach box, water isn't totally still, comes up, and it bumps against you, and you're like, hey, and it might stay a while, it might stay a really long time, it might slow it away.

But just see it outside yourself and know that it's going to come back and just think of it like something that something that you can acknowledge but it doesn't have to take and so I've even done and I know this is silly but it's really helped a lot of the things that I used to think were actually help. I wish I listened to all the people before. I've actually named my anxiety as Agnes, and I've named other things, and I'll literally, I have to visualize, because I'm such a visualized person.

I don't really say it out loud. Sometimes I do if it's really bad. I'll be like, okay, I see that you're here. You're actually not in charge today, Agnes, so you need to settle down. And every time she comes, I'm like, Agnes, right? Like I think of it like that. And it's, whoa, it seems like you're trying to take over. Or if there's, sorry to all the Agneses. I'm sorry to all the Debbies. I got definitely depression. And I'm like, hey, I see you there.

I see you trying to pull me down the spiral. I'm going to feel the feelings. But like I'm not going all the way down. So you better let go. So I try to do things like that. And I think once, and the more I talk to people in the beginning, I think we just get this whole idea that we're going to arise and be completely better. And I just, for me and for the countless people I talk to, it's not really true. And until you can accept that, how can you live with it?

So how are you before and after and still, honestly, how are you with boundaries?

Oh, my goodness. It's the struggle of my life, setting boundaries. Just I've always been a people pleaser. I've always had a hard time saying no. I equated saying no with me being selfish or not willing to share a talent that's being requested of me. I thought people wouldn't like me. And I've actually learned the opposite through the years. I've learned that people actually can respect boundary. I've learned no can be a single sentence. I don't have to give a thousand excuses afterward.

Word and when you do give those thousand excuses it's just and i like i just mentioned i have to really be careful now where i say yes because if i said yes to everything it would spread me so thin and i don't think i would be as effective as if i picked that one thing and i think writing my book really taught me to set boundaries. And so my yes, my reason for four years of my life was that book. And I remember at one point I was trying to do Facebook posts and write the book.

And I was caught between getting those likes and that affirmation on Facebook once a day. And what was happening was I wasn't getting anything done on my book. And my husband said, you are going to need to get off Facebook.

And I actually went off for two solid years. And he said, you will never finish your book if you don't say no to social media and it was really hard but i credit that was actually finishing my book and oh my mind's gone blank it happens sometimes to us to learn but refresh me well with that when you're talking about boundaries and it's back are you back so now i i have learned that you can say no and still keep your friends i used to think that if If I said no.

Used to feel that I was so important that if I said no to a certain task, whether it be at the school or church, that the entire thing would fall apart. And I was the only person that could do something. And that's simply not the case. I have said no. And you know what? Someone else will step in or they will find someone else. And I needed to learn to put myself and I have a different capacity for different things depending on what's going on in my life.

And so many times I said yes I wasn't able to set a boundary and my family suffered because of it or I would get invited somewhere really didn't want to go I'm going to be honest here but I would say yes to this coffee date or that coffee date and then I would go and sit there and be resentful and I didn't want to be there and I thought how awful I wouldn't want anyone to ever say yes to getting together with me and then be sitting there not wanting to be there.

So I'm getting better over the years, but boundaries has always been a struggle. And when my hypomania hits, sometimes I want to dive in and say yes to everything. And I've now learned that especially when I'm hypomanic, I need to be hyper aware of the boundaries that I'm setting and where I'm saying yes and no, because it is a constant journey. And are you a people pleaser? Are you a boundary setter? Is it as constant struggle like it is for me?

Yeah, totally. And it's interesting because I never thought I was because I say exactly what I think. I don't, like for example, when I was very strict about my eating. I, not in a mean way, but I didn't care if it hurt people's feelings. To me, it was much more important to be restricted about that type of eating that I would probably hurt down people's feelings that would offer me food and I wouldn't take it. I don't do things that I don't want to do.

Now, as a parent and wife, obviously, there are things like the adulting stuff, the mundane. I have to do that. So I thought that I wasn't because it was so much more important to me. Or it's like I was trying to just be okay that I couldn't take people's feelings into consideration about those things because I felt like it would fall apart. But I'm realizing that I am in a different way that I wouldn't have thought of before.

So I don't want to let people down. And I didn't realize how much until because I just would ignore things. I like to have an idea of myself. And I never, ever wanted to acknowledge the shadow of self outwardly. Because inside, I thought that everything was wrong with me.

Everyone thinks I'm so confident. and i'm pretty confident especially now like 40s i'm like what else who cares but i realized that it was more in a people pleasing in more of like almost addicted to just producing something beautiful or doing something and getting praise or people. My love language is words of affirmation, right? And just if I could convince people to see me the way that I wanted to, then maybe I can combat those lies in my head. Maybe that could take away those anxieties.

Yeah, I don't let people close to me. People, not so much I'm good with boundaries, but people close to me, I don't want to let them down. And it depends what stage I'm in. When I'm hypomatic, I say sorry a lot now because I'm aware of it before. It would be hard to say sorry. I wasn't even aware of things, but now, and it's, I've gotten, it's gotten worse. So I'm working on that right now because I know when I'm talking too much,

or I know I have a lot of introvert friends. And so I, I know I possibly could be overwhelming them. So I'll say I'm sorry, But I have friends that are like, oh, they set their boundary where they don't have to answer. And they tell me, put important, immediate, if it's something that I will get anxious about. But I respect that I don't have to say sorry because they accept me exactly how I am. And I also say things like, that might be my big thing.

And I've worked on it a lot is, this might be a crazy idea, but just say your idea. I feel like I need to put something ahead of time because if I say it before they think it, then it's better. You know how people used to say it in movies? Make fun of yourself first and then they won't make fun of you. That's a terrible advice. I'm guilty of that.

And yeah, and surround yourself with people. And like you said, I love people where their yes is their yes and their no is their no because I trust them. Yeah, I trust them. And I was like you, I feel like I need an excuse. And there are a bunch of people in my life that expect why. They expect me to explain why I can't go out or why I can't do this. And I feel like I need, and honestly, I used to lie because I felt like I had to say something.

I couldn't, I didn't want to hurt them and just be like, I can't be with it, right? Because I've been hurt. And it's funny that I say that because sometimes even now I'll get hurt by a boundary, right?

Because I'll be like, yeah, but they shouldn't have boundaries with me. Exactly. Me. And meanwhile deep down i do learn from them but i do get hurt sometimes and i i still get can get paranoid about if i put something completely out there to to someone i'll want to take it back but i know my people and i know they've created these safe spaces but sometimes i overshare with people that aren't safe. And then that's gotten me into trouble, right? Being an oversharer.

But I don't even know if I answered your question, but hopefully we're saying thanks. To wipe, wipe, wipe. Oh, boundaries. Yeah. So definitely a struggle and it probably will be. And oh, I know this one about what I've done too, is not try to make myself feel like I should be someone I'm not. So I used to think there's a proper way to study. There's a proper way to be a mom and how you cook. There's a proper way. That's the right way.

And I'm always doing it wrong. But the things that find out what works for me, and if it works for me, and it works for my family, then it's not right. If we, I am not an amazing cook. I mean, we have hard things. If it takes longer than 40 minutes or even 20, sometimes I won't do it. And that's okay. My kids eat healthy things. Frozen feasts are lovely. And right. And the fact that I like don't always go, I rarely go grocery shopping and do it all online now. Okay.

Make me less. I don't, I used to think I had to bake with my kids weekly. We fight terribly we can't bake together it's awful i try to control them they get so i've just i'm always trying to adjust those yeah and i'm also accepted and i don't know about you i get really excited about this topic you know i'm sorry if i'm talking to you see i'm doing it no i'm not sorry no don't take a guess my friend actually and we say to each other now And it's the best thing she'll say to me.

And not in a mean way. She'll be like, actually, I don't accept that apology because you didn't need to give it. And I'll be like, I love that. I love that. Yeah, I don't accept that apology because you don't need to apologize for being. Like I cried the first time. I was like, I've never heard that. I love that. Beautiful. No, I don't. I don't accept that apology because you are enough. And you are.

And i realized that with the boundary part is i am all or nothing and yes i can i'm not going to try to completely change that because it's not going to work so what i need to do is put things in place to know that if i do that event i might crash yeah for a couple weeks and that's okay and i need to let myself and remember that instead of that what's wrong with me you're right yeah That also told friends, and when we do events as groups,

I say, can we, I need either, depending on how big the event is, I need a couple days before we evaluate or try and see what we could do better. Because if it's the next day, I'm so raw and terrible. If someone says even what I'm already trying not to think of all the things that went wrong or could go better and be hard on myself, I cannot take it if you tell me something that got better. So I'll say, give me a week. In a week, I can totally talk about it. And yeah.

I've just said that, and that used to make me feel weak, but now I'm like, no, understanding what you need and asking for what you need is strong. Absolutely, and I think that's key with hypomania, too, because part of me might say, that's it. I've done a terrible job of keeping balance in the past. I cannot write another book. I'm going to say no to every event at the school, and I don't think that's the case. I think for both of us to be aware, to be, like you said, be able to plan ahead.

And if I am working on a school event, tell my husband, meals will not be cooked for this week. Let's plan on getting takeout and hold me to it. I can work on this till 7 p.m., but then even if I don't want, drag me away from it. So I think there is absolutely a way to move forward. And whether it's knowing how to set boundaries, say no, without worry, without shame, all of those things can help to minimize the negative effects that unmanaged hypomania can have in every area of our lives.

And kindness, right? If I mess up once. It's ruined everything's you know what why do i even try i should just i'm i'm i should move away i'm not a good mom like those thoughts and i'm like i try and say you know how people say treat other treat others how you treat yourself or whatever mine's the opposite treat myself how i treat my friends exactly i care so much i'm kind i think to myself would.

I think my friend was a total failure and sucked if this i mean like no yes that i wouldn't have so much grace and compassion and that kind of thing for i need to give that to myself yeah and just i noticed as every year goes by it's not perfect but i'm i just i used to think i'm not growing at all but i think just recovering a little bit quicker or not spiraling as deep that's all progress right yeah i don't know so we are by far we get i don't we get the comment all the time is that we're

so put together or these really good things oh i want to be better better physically better be a better living with bipolar like you and of course we put our best foot forward here right and everybody needs a bit of protection and me making a nice background and full face of makeup or whatever helps me feel like i can share that i have rhinoceros rage right i couldn't stand And let's know that we are like still hot messes. But we're beautiful hot messes.

And we're trying to find the beauty in that because we have enough negativity swirling in our hands that, yeah, just searching for the beauty in the world and people.

And yeah, so this is the hard truth about hypomania. We hope that in the future where we start talking to someone we'd like to understand true full mania even more. So thanks for listening. Yeah. And yes, I hope that you are on the very low scale of zero to angry rhinoceros today. And like I'm trying to say a lot now, instead of have a good day or a fabulous day, just have a day. You're here. You showed up. Yes. Have a day.

Because this is the hard parts of hypomania, and we were saying earlier, thinking about that post, hypomania is like sunshine until it burns. And so, this is hypomania, and this is bipolar. This is bipolar. Thanks again for tuning in. You can find video versions of This Is Bipolar on our YouTube channel. We also have all our previous episodes of the podcast on Apple, Podbean, Spotify, and Google Play. We spend most of our time on Instagram at this.is.bipolar.

There is a vibrant community there where we have conversations and post different ideas and different strategies. and we'd just love for you to join us there. It is so helpful if you enjoy our work or think it would be helpful to someone if you could like and share and save and follow us in all or any of those spaces. If you're a listener for the podcast, if you could leave a review, we would be forever grateful. Again, thank you for being here with us. Let's get the word out.

Let's share lived experiences so that we can change the ideas that people have about bipolar and help those of us that live with it feel less alone. This is bipolar.