(BEST OF) | 18 | Everyday Anxiety- irrational thoughts & overreactions

Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of This is Bipolar.

I'm Shailie Hoogendorn, and this is my co-host. Hi, everyone. I'm Julie Craft. We are, as usual, super excited to be here together filming another episode about our experiences with bipolar. Yep. And anxiety and everyday anxiety. And I think I was just thinking when you said we're super excited to be together. And I was just thinking to myself, like, I couldn't do this alone. Like we sound chipper and happy. But I think if I did it all by myself, I don't think that I could do it.

So I just wanted to say that I'm really here with you. And we're we'll add in there, super excited, anxious, a little worried.

Because I think what you're going to hear in this episode, probably more than any of our other episodes is that we are still very much on our bipolar journeys and we both still definitely deal with daily anxiety and all the thoughts that come with that so we're going to dive into that in more detail today yeah yeah and it brings us back to our roots we were talking about how because we've been doing it for a while and we both love like dressing up in clothes and all this stuff.

So I feel like sometimes one of my anxieties is that we come off so put together and look, we'll give you advice about bipolar. And we have experience. And of course we have tips and tricks and things like that. But basically what we have to offer is our lived experience and we know. Bipolar isn't curable. So this is something that we still live with. So even though we may look like we have a lot of strategies, actually using them doesn't always happen.

And so we just thought that it would be healing for us, but also comforting to others to hear that this is and can be a daily struggle.

And that's what we're going to focus on today. Yeah but which makes us even more nervous and brings up the anxiety because it's like this onion layer of vulnerability and we're at a we're at the core here friends yeah yeah i would love if you could get us started with just walk us through some of your like an example of your everyday anxiety or some of the things that make you anxious and what that looks like in your life I would just love to hear.

You bet. I am going to share. I'm going to share it all. And I was thinking this morning as I was getting ready of all the episodes that we have recorded, I think this one was maybe meant for me because still, I was diagnosed back in 2010. And along the way, of course, I've tried my best to learn about my disorder. I chose the path of medication. I make sure to do all the things in terms of sleep and stuff.

But this by far, yes, I still struggle with anxious thoughts, worries, even catastrophic thinking. And so there are so many examples that I could share, but I'll dig into one because it's very recent as in within the past two weeks. And so a lot of times it will, my anxious thoughts will be in regards to relationships, emails, texts, whether they're returned or not returned. And, I shared in a previous episode, we've just moved to a new part of the world, Arizona.

And so I've had the chance to meet some amazing new people. And so even to this day, for me to invite someone over to my house is huge. A lot of anxiety around that, but it's just a huge step. I have a lot of insecurities. I'm not the best cook. And so I reached out in text to this one friend and I finally got out the courage to say, would you love to come over for brunch? And I even went as far as to throw out a few dates.

So I gave her two different dates. We had a school break, so I wished her a happy weekend, a happy break. And so I get a text back and it just says, have a wonderful weekend too. See you soon. So of course, I go back, I reread the text. I definitely did invite her over and she responded and completely ignored the invite. Of course, instantly I took it as, these are all the thoughts.

Oh my goodness I came on too strong it was the dates were too soon I didn't give her enough time maybe I've been taking all the signals of our friendship the wrong way and she really never wanted to be my friend in the first place she was sympathizing and giving me this courtesy friendship along the way and I'm like oh my goodness it's just the thoughts just went on and on and spiraled. And then I was faced with a decision. Do I text her back and risk rejection again?

Do I just call it a day? The friendship is over, mourn the loss of that, and then try to carry on with my life. And so I actually talked to quite a few people, asked for their advice. I talked to one of my daughters, very wise one, and she said, mom, you've got to look at all of the information in front of you? Did anything happen? Did you do anything that would cause her to never want

to speak to you again? And I. Know and she goes I think you might want to just reach back out one more time and just super casual hey did any of those dates work for you took everything in me but I decided to do that and I instantly get a reply I am so sorry I was in such a rush when I read your last text I completely missed your invite for brunch we I would love to come over I'm so excited they and like in that moment I reached back out to my daughter and said basically you were right I

reached back out there was nothing wrong we're the best of friends and everything in my world was right again and that's happened so many times throughout the years and I don't know why I don't you know why I forget that usually 99% of my thoughts are not rooted in truth or reality and 99% of the time things work out just fine. And so I was almost at the point of never reaching out again, avoiding her in the school parking lot, being angry, hurt, and it was all just a miscommunication.

Yeah, that was just as recent as two weeks ago. So for anyone out there thinking that we don't still struggle, we absolutely do. So that's just one very recent example of my thinking and how it can get so far off track and just spiral completely out of control. Not to mention in that period of time, I became a grouch. I was not nice to my husband, my kids, just everything in my world was not right.

And Shaylee, I'm going to throw it back to you now, just in terms of relationships, because I know that it's not just us on our journey. It's the people that live with us and that are walking alongside us. So I'm just curious to throw the ball over to you and ask you just about any of your experiences and maybe how they have affected or do affect the people that are closest to you. Yes. Yes. I just wanted to, when I was listening to you, I was like, yes.

And I think one thing, because we're always trying to talk about because we throw around this word anxiety so loosely in society right now. And I'm always trying to figure out how do I explain the difference between clinical anxiety and anxiety so that people see the depth of this and just... Yeah, I find that really difficult because of language. And just what you were saying, I am sure that people that don't have clinical anxiety do have some of these thoughts, right?

And there's that overlap. But I think you described it well with that it takes over. It isn't just, oh, maybe they don't like me or whatever. You can't stop thinking about it. And then like, you're just like, you just feel any wounding comes up from before, like childhood, if you ever felt left out or things like that. It's like our brain just brings all that back up and tries to give evidence to the other, like to usually the catastrophic thought, not the maybe.

And I love that your daughter did that because that's what a therapist has said to me before. Be a detective. Look at all the facts, but I'm just still, yeah, but, right? And I just thought that was really important. And like you said, affects your whole life. Like you said, I talked to some people. I talked to my husband. and you just can't, you can't stop thinking about it. And it would be the last thing I would think about before going to bed,

the first thing in the morning. And it just, it clouded every other experience I was having. It really felt as if nothing else was right in my world. And then in that instant of her texting back, everything flipped. Just that contrast, how I could go from the depths of despair and anger and frustration and just complete insecurity to being on top of the world.

Yeah, yeah. And two, I was just thinking when you were saying that, the whole, I don't know if you get this, but I feel like there's an added layer in that then I'm judging myself.

So I'm not only having all these feelings and this terrible experience myself, I'm judging myself like, because a part of me might be like, if other people are saying maybe it isn't a big deal it's not only is there something wrong with you for thinking these things like what's the matter with you that you're always negative why can't you read about reframing thoughts all the time you post about it you know this but you just immediately go to that and

I find it really hard to remember that because it feels so much a part of my personality I have a really hard time weeding out personality versus is chemical imbalance because it's just. So confusing. And I've had things like that for sure. If we're going to talk about text things or one of the first, the worst things that you can do to me is say, we need to talk or I have a question for you the next time we see each other or whatever.

And I'm just like, it must be horrible if you can't just text it. Right. And it must be. And you're breaking up with me.

Friendship. your or I've done something to completely offend you or something other things and because I'm so public online if it's someone I try and think did I tell a story on the podcast that would offend them like I just go through all the things so do not say that just talk to them about the thing or ask the question don't text it even a hint hey I need to talk to you about that yeah it could be I have a question about how you train your dog. It might be that, but I'm thinking, it's over.

I'm going to be cancelled. Like, it's done. And we laugh because that's a coping thing too. Because when I'm retelling this thing, logically, I can see how this doesn't make sense at all. And logically, I can see how far it's gone.

But reeling it back is feels impossible and then like you said because it's taken all of your energy and all of your thought and your nervous systems all in whack very hard to show up for other people in your life and other things because you've used up all your energy over here so like you said irritable one of the things that i go to a lot is, is after I've started feeling that way and feeling sad or whatever, I'm like, I need to make sense of it.

So my brain wants to blame the person that's making me feel like this, even if they've done nothing wrong. I want to be like, how could they send that text? Like they know this would make me anxious and I feel like the world's against me. So then I'm like angry. So I'm having this like whole relationship situation slash maybe fight slash reconnection. I'm doing all of this. Without the other person. It's just, it's, and it's just really hard to get stuck into it.

And the worst thing too, is when then I feel like I'm burdening my people that they're just not like in their head saying, oh, get over this. Or it's just, yeah, it just feels awful. It's, it feels almost like mini little fights all the time or in your own head. And then on top of that, just the embarrassment I feel just all fine, even though I'm relieved, then it's like, I also get upset, the added upset that I feel like that was such a waste of my time and my energy and my stress.

And I, and then it'll happen again. It's just so messy and it just feels like we were saying before like it just feels. So like almost unfair right like it just feels like i want that time back that i wasted on this but it's very hard to put those things into practice when your brain lies to you first Yeah. And I think also you start to question your reactions and your feelings to things, which is never a good feeling.

After my friend texted me back, I did sit there for a while and say, oh, my goodness, here I am, this grown woman. I misread this situation. Do I have the capacity to look at things from a rational perspective? Am I always going to need to bring in someone else? So it's really hard to not gaslight yourself, to not rest in yourself. So yeah, it's all interconnected. Now, Shaylee and I are both married. So I don't know. Can I go here, Shaylee?

Am I able to ask a little bit more about how sometimes anxious thoughts or overthinking can even affect a serious relationship like a marriage. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to go there. I'm going to go there. Go there. Do you want me to go first? Yep. Okay. I may or may not go there. Because it's hard, right? Because the other person's involved, but my husband's pretty open about a lot of things, but it really does affect our relationship because I, because I catastrophically think, and I try to think out everything, I think out everything that can go wrong. So then I try to prepare for that, or I'm overthinking it.

So then I go to him to talk about it. And I just like all his ideas. I'm like, nope, nope. Cause I feel like I've already thought about them and how they wouldn't work.

And then when we finally decide something, I'm like, wait a minute, but this, and he's just so frustrated he doesn't feel listened to he doesn't like he it doesn't matter he always says it doesn't matter what he says it's not gonna help and then i'm either i do he'll even do the do you want me to just listen or help it's like the indecisiveness of it all that wastes so much energy and then i feel like because i've made such a big deal but if anything goes wrong i feel

bad or like I need to apologize to him because I forced this or I made the final decision. Or something went wrong completely out of my control it's my fault I should have anticipated I don't know that there would be something that's totally out of my control and I can think of when the kids were little and like packing the diaper bag or going to places you know how it's a big deal especially when you have two kids they were under two under two three I don't

know I don't no numbers. They were very close together. And so it's helpful to have all the things that could help you if something went wrong. If there's a blowout in the diaper or they might need snacks or they might need this or... I don't like, it makes me very anxious to not have the things I need when I'm in a hard situation. So I try to, and it's impossible. So then we go out and the one thing that we would need, like it was cloudy and we went out and I didn't have the sunscreen.

I'd be like, you are the worst mother. Like, how could you not have thought of this? Just beat myself up about all these things. And then half of them don't go wrong. And then when they do, that feeds into when the next time I'm like, yeah, but it did go wrong that time. It could again. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, absolutely. I am tracking with you. I just hear it's we are so similar in our experiences, which I think is what led to the instant connection when we met.

So just and I would hope for anyone listening to just sit and be able to hear someone else describe such a similar way of thinking or similar experiences. It really is such a relief. It's healing.

It's, yeah, our hope in sharing this has always been for anyone out there that they would also know that they're not alone. And relationships are hard, really hard when you have these anxieties. And I think we have to work really hard at this. And I know I hear over and over with messages that we get about broken friendships and broken relationships and the guilt afterwards of thinking that it's your fault and such. But I just realized that I gave an example.

I just watched what I did. I gave an example. I said, talking to Julie earlier about recent stuff and I gave an example with the kids and I just thought when I did it like I think that I'm doing that to protect myself from just admitting that like yesterday or like last night that it actually really affects affects yeah relationship and then I was telling Julie then, people I preach boundaries people in my relationship make a boundary with me and I can't handle it.

Or, yeah, I'll talk about over-explaining in a minute, but tell us something. Make me feel that I'm showing all my insecurities and that we just want, despite the pictures you may see on our Instagram, that's like our relationship is hard and rocky. And then, too, like it's all our fault. Like I've had people say to me before, oh, your husband's a saint because of, oh, you're so lucky that he still is.

Up with you yeah and meanwhile like it's also that's not fair either because we could talk about his things but i do carry a lot of that if anything's wrong in our relationship or we aren't in sync or whatever i immediately say it's me because i'm bipolar and i'm over i blame everything on myself how about you yeah oh absolutely and i think for so long and i still struggle with this i used to think my husband does have his act together i used to tell myself He's much more stable.

And yes, he is putting up with me. And oh my goodness, I am the weaker partner. I'm the more unstable partner. That is just a very hard and dangerous path to go down. But I think that's my default. Someone once used an analogy that our brains are like, what do you call the tower at the airport? The control tower, you know, the one that says, yes, this plane can land. And so we really do need to treat each thought as a plane asking to land. And we have to seriously say, is this true?

Am I going to let this land in my heart and my mind and sink in as truth? Or am I going to say, nope, you're not landing. You got to keep taking off. And someone else also said to retrain the way your brain thinks or its default setting overnight, it's not going to happen. It's going to take a lot of work. This is such a big struggle for me that I'm not sure if all the listeners know, but I did write a lot of my story in my memoir.

This is such a big part that I did. Actually, I have a chapter called Irrational Fears and Overreaction. And if you'll let me co-host, I'll just read a bit because sometimes it's hard to articulate exactly how much, but here we go. It's story time with co-host Julie. So oftentimes it's what I did best. Overthink, obsess, catastrophize, jump to the worst possible conclusions and then stay in that state of unrest for far longer than I ever should.

I would even worry if the neighbor's cousin's mother's brother's cat had fleas and was up to date on its immunization. Hey, if you were hanging with me, there was never a reason for you to stress. You could sit back and relax because I had you and the entire universe covered. And so you can only imagine how intense things got when it came to worrying about me, myself, and I. I'm going to keep going. Yes. Sit back and grab a coffee.

In the past, my most dysfunctional reactions came when emails went unanswered. Within the first few seconds, I started sweating. By minute two, I was spiraling out of control. After five hours of not hearing back, drenched in sweat, feverishly checking my inbox along with my blood pressure. Was it something I wrote or didn't write? Had my well-intentioned words been taken the wrong way, the right way, some warped way in between?

I would lie in bed each night and reread my messages, word for word, syllable by syllable, with every possible intonation. Was my, hey, hope you're doing great, been interpreted as, you are such a loser. Your existence is forgettable. Now, there's a very slim chance that things might have taken a turn for the better, but I highly doubt it. Or had my, hey, I hope your summer plans are as exciting as mine morphed into, You're pathetic if you hadn't realized it before.

My vacations are far superior to yours and always will be. So sending up follow-up clarifications and extensive apologies constantly crossed my mind. Never once, nope, not once did reason or rationality enter the equation. Nope, I never ever considered the possibility that people were busy living their lives with high-powered jobs, kids to care for, vacations to take, dogs to walk, and cats to shampoo.

So it goes on and on, but I'll wrap up by saying, thank goodness my fears were almost always proven unfounded. I would eventually receive replies within a week or six months, and my paranoia would be put to rest. I hadn't offended anyone. There was usually an apology or half-decent reason for their tardy reply, a jam-packed schedule, a trip to the moon, being trapped in a full body cast, or having just come out of a coma. So that was a little long-winded, but just a glimpse.

And it still seems to be that it is constant. And I don't think I've known time in my life when my mind wasn't whirling. Sometimes I am really curious what it would be like to not have all those extra thoughts and added worries and I'll often do a brain dump to my husband of what's spinning in my head and he'll just be flabbergasted and just say, how do you live like that? How do you function like that? I don't even have one of those worries spinning around it. even in a week's time.

Yeah. And I remember reading a very powerful piece that you wrote. I think it was a letter to my mind, my beautiful mind. And you described a little bit of your thinking process. And I just sat there and went, oh my goodness, I'm not the only one in the toothpaste aisle. Right? Thinking of all those thoughts. So it's just so incredibly powerful and healing when you find out that the way your brain works and thinks and whirls, That you're not alone in that. Yeah. And you know what?

When you were reading that, I was like, I think that was the part of the book that I clung to the most.

And I think that was when I was like, we will be friends. Forever. Yeah. And Julie would never plug her book. But I am going to say, you can buy it wherever books are sold. But the best price and usually the best place is on her website. It's you're very kind by her book. Thank you for your support, friend. Of course. Number one. And I even have worries and thoughts about that.

It's a miracle. Number one, that I got over my fears and insecurities as a writer and then all the stumbling blocks along the way to actually put it out into the world.

And after sharing today how sensitive I am, it was a really big thing to put so much of yourself out there when we talk about vulnerability hangovers and yeah definitely it's like putting your heart every time i write something or even post it's like putting your your heart on display and you're like someone people poke it or whatever it's just really hard and i love what you said about just someone it's this it's like this people say me too or saying

some things you can relate to aloud is like being is like your pain's getting witnessed right or you're you it's just so shocking to me like we have a we're shocked that a lot of people listen or are in our instagram and get messages all the time to use so why do i still think i'm the only one that's this weird and there's something wrong with me when i know there's so many people out there it just shows how deep the self-stigma and the stigma is and that we're always fighting that.

And it reminded me of, there's two things that I was... And then I have some things. Yeah, two things. These ones are almost like things that... That I've been trying to do. And I just felt like, it reminded me of what you said. The thoughts, so the thoughts you said, let them land. I just love that image. I was picturing all the things and it was, I've done lately. So I've named my anxiety because I'm trying to see it outside myself. So I don't think I'm a loser.

So I've named it because I'm a teacher in like alliteration. So it's Agnes anxiety. I think of it like a car and I'm just like I used to try and just get out right if Agnes is my anxiety but now I realize that just makes her louder so then I'm like okay I see you you're here yeah but you don't get to take the wheel yeah or get in the back or bye-bye Agnes or tell Tell her, tell her you're, but I do need to acknowledge it.

Whereas trying to put it away right away, just, it just doesn't work. It comes back tenfold. And another thing was I follow this and I'll put it in the show notes. Her name's Elise Myers and I just love her the way she can put her stories and anxieties. And she has a saying that she says either in her head to herself or she actually uses it with other people when they try and put things on her as her, her thing is I don't receive that.

So I cannot believe how many times I say in my head that now. Okay, say you're a loser, you're a burden. My big thing is being a burden to everybody by saying all the, yeah, like my existence is just a burden to my friends and family and just to the world. I just have this whole, yeah, it's one of my things that I'm working through. And I just am just like, I don't, I don't receive that. Nope. And like, now I'm going to think of the airplane because I love visual.

Yeah. You're not landing. I see you around there. You're going to have to find somewhere else to land or you're welcome to go around and fly around and around, but I do not receive that and will not land. And then try my best to do every strategy I have to keep going. Does it always work? No. But I think that all those little steps, I think we need to get miraculously rid of the thought, which makes things worse.

And I think the more therapy and the more I'm learning is that acknowledging it is the first step. It doesn't mean it feels better yet. Yep, exactly. Well, oftentimes, the minute you tell yourself, don't think about this, what are you automatically going to do? That's all you're going to think about.

So I've read somewhere once that the better thing to do is just focus on how you want to feel or, instead of not thinking the thought, so say if I'm driving and I'm really anxious at driving and I I'm going to crash or something's going to fly off a truck, which often happens down here on the freeways. Instead of don't think about that happening, I think, how would I want to feel? I'd like to feel more confident behind the wheel. I wish I was more calm.

And so just to shift the focus, it's there. And instead of trying to shove it away or deny it, it is.

It's finding this way to sit with it. And yeah, there's no miraculous...

Over the night cure but yeah the the funny or not so funny thing is as advocates even these anxieties and worries creep in right down to interviews that we give oh and even some of the interviews so i would love for shaley you to even shed like even yeah as advocates and even with this podcast we have yeah yeah because we borrow confidence from each other on here so then but there's been times where both of us have been like take it all down, burn it all down it's all yeah I've had

actually a couple times and I used to do a vlog before the podcast too called sisters and mental illness anyways I've had some experiences where your hope is if you interview someone you your hope is that they'll have a good experience and that you connect and everything. And I feel like that's happened with everyone. But what happens to me is I've had it where they didn't share right away, or there was even someone that didn't share it at all.

I'm convinced that I have completely offended them. I've botched the interview. I've made them uncomfortable, which is my worst fear. And that it's terrible. So then I'm thinking, do I take it down? Do I like, why wouldn't they? But then I also don't want to be like, people are different about what they want on their social media, right? So I'm like, don't want to be like, pathetic either. Like, why didn't you share? Did you not like our interview?

Or was there someone that something that offended you? Because I'm also scared. What if I don't actually really want to know? Yeah, yeah, exactly. We did all that work. Do we want to pull it? And then And chances are sometimes they actually have a schedule and they weren't planning to put it until a couple of weeks. And I so appreciated when I interviewed Sharice, she told me that. Just so you know, I have a schedule that's going to come out later or whatever.

And I was like so grateful for that because in that time period, I've worked up to I should quit. I cannot. Oh, yeah. You're a terrible person, Shayla. The mind goes there, and it goes there quickly sometimes. I think we've even done an interview together for a publication, and it wasn't coming out, it wasn't coming out, it wasn't coming out. And then I think the publication no longer even is around. So all this time, we're laying in bed, was it the way I answered this question?

Was it this was it that and it's oh and maybe they're just maybe they're just not telling us and they're trying to be nice by just ghosting us or whatever then it turns out they like got bought out and then it full because then I was like I saw another post of another story since then and I'm like they chose that oh I know and we Julie and I like when you overthink things we were so hard because there There was like, it was such a detailed interview.

And we know now we have those things. It wasn't a complete waste, but that was a lot of time. And I actually had this with another podcast came out a year, maybe even longer, a year later. And I actually had to ask, which was humiliating because I didn't, but I needed to know. And then I'd be like, oh, soon. And there'll be months. So if you're someone that has a podcast or magazine or anything, always let people know. And I do that too, because Julie and I don't do, we go with our flow and our

creativity. So we don't, we're not a podcast. It's like every Thursday at 10 a.m. We drop or every second, you know, approximately to a month. So we always tell our people, I don't, we don't know the exact date. We know it will be in this month and we will give you a. In this year. In this year. But yeah, like after that long. And then I was like, because I forget what I say. I was like, will I still feel the same? It was, you learn a lot in a year.

Luckily, it was. But there was like, I didn't even mention the podcast in it because it didn't exist when the interview went in. And it was. The other thing is, this is our heart and our soul and our story that we're pouring out. And so the minute you feel like it's being rejected, that is your heart and your soul and your thoughts and your experiences. And you're old, but we both carry, even though we're trying to rewrite the story, these shame stories, right?

I'm sure when you put your art out there, it feels like... Like this is still rejection is hard but i think it's that it's the it's it felt like my greatest shame story for so long don't you feel good people listen because we were like hoping to have a couple listeners and it turns out they're all but still it's i don't we always joke this wasn't what we thought we would be like quote unquote like known for do we do you want to be.

It didn't it was the thing we were trying to hide and then now when you google us it's the most thing that pops up well and i'm so thankful we have each other when we go through these insecure moments when it comes to our advocacy or interviews thank goodness we can get on here and say to each other encourage each other you know that interview is fantastic and another thing my husband always sometimes needs to remind me

all the time is it's not always about you which I often think and to find out that my friend was busy getting ready for a trip out of town. She skipped over my branch invite. It had nothing to do with me. And I instantly, out of insecurity, my default setting is that it's a flaw with me. It's all about me. And I also need to also, here's a little tiny offshoot. I've had times, darker times in my life when I have a hard time responding to

texts, responding to emails, and I need grace with that. And so I actually have someone. It's been a month. I'm going to email them right after we stop recording. I also need to be gracious because I know there have been times where I've probably left someone else on the other end, hanging and wondering. And yeah, I'm always sure though, to apologize and not make excuses. They're only so busy someone can be. So sometimes I'll usually just leave it that. Sorry for my slow reply. Yeah.

Yeah. I would not shampooing my cat. And that's the same actually with this, with our Instagram. Like it's just me and Julie, y'all. And a lot, Shaylee, you do so much. I'm so grateful. Oh, yes. We're grateful for each other's opposite giftings. Right. And I love, of I want each, I want to answer each message. And I also want to honor, you know, and, and do a good message back. Right. But sometimes it gets me to losing it because Instagram, come on now, you got to organize it better.

There should be a file of unanswered because then as soon as people like stuff, it pushes them 60 down. And if you read it anyways, that's a whole nother story. That gives me anxiety. But I know I've missed some. Or if they've asked, I want the answer to be so good and caring or whatever that sometimes I end up not answering and it getting lost at all. So I always make sure I at least heart it. And that goes back to with my friends.

I'm like, they know this. so they know if they like I've read if I've poured out all my pain to them we have this close circle of whatsapp group where we can just be totally honest and it's radio silence for a while they also know that they know that so they'll just put a heart or I've said to friends before like when I'm not doing well I can't just know if I send you this purple heart that I have read it and my heart is

with you and I love you I just don't it's not about you I just don't have the capacity to respond right now. And I think even doing that, because sometimes it messes me up because I want the perfect answer. So I don't answer at all. Yeah. Yeah. So if you're one of those people, message back.

Yeah. Message back. I know. And also this is where for me, it's been so important to, with my safe friends, not with everyone, but just share, share that I have all these thoughts and worries so that they can, if they do leave that message, call me back. I have something huge to ask you. We are thinking you are going to want one of our organs. Our mind will think of every possible scenario or question or thing that you need.

And then it will focus in on the worst. And then we're going to focus on how we can avoid you for the rest of our lives. We can't expect people in our life to like, why wouldn't you sometimes get, how could they do that to me? But if we don't actually tell them how that made us feel, then they're going to think it's no big deal because that wouldn't bother them. They were actually asking to borrow your, I don't know, we're on an animal thing, dog shampoo, right?

Yeah, yeah. So telling them or whatever. I would love to hear. Clearly we do a whole episode on relationships and we'll probably do more. But I want to hear about some of your everyday things. I know that you've mentioned and I know I got a couple of texts about stuff to do with everyday things like the hairdresser. Tell me your hairdressers. Oh, the hairdressers. We've just moved. The biggest, most important thing after you move is finding a good hairdresser.

So this was it. This is the salon in town. I booked in with the owner, waited two months to get in, and it came to my appointment day. And I'm just sitting there going, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. The small talk at the hairdresser, it always gets me. But I thought, this is a fresh start. This is a chance for me to put my best hair forward, my best face forward. And I'm sitting there. Am I going to... You're starting over.

What am I going to say when she asks, you know, what I do? And I'm going to tell her that I'm at mental health. self-advocate? Do I go? There's all those fears for us when we first meet someone. And sure enough, she's so cool looking and tattoos and her hair is amazing. And she comes forward to me and I happen to have my cell phone in my right hand or my left hand. And she goes to shake my hand and I've got my cell phone. So we end up shaking with this cell phone and then I almost drop it.

And the most awkward and the entire rest of the hair appointment, all I could think of was recovering, proving to her that I'm a good person, a good mother. Then I admitted to her that going to the hairdresser makes me anxious. And then there's always when they're rinsing your hair out and you're laying back. And what do I do with my hands? Do I lay them at the side? Do I cross them over and I'm going to look like I'm in a coffin? Am I going to, am I, where am I? Like just.

Who's sitting beside me? Do they know I'm listening to them? I want to see what their hair looks like, but if they see me look over, are they going to think I'm creepy? She's back. She's back with the bleach. Okay. Do I close my eyes? I just don't want to talk anymore, but she's talking. But if it gets too quiet, who's going to break the silence?

By the time I left, I was blabbed again, but I don't know if I'll ever go back because I just, I can't stop replaying the handshake, just because you think it or feel it doesn't mean it's true. And I have to always remind that just because I feel it, just because I felt like it was an awkward handshake, she might not have thought twice about it. Yeah. That's usually the case, right? Oh, yes. But I've talked to a lot of people that also struggle with that awkward hairdresser.

It's the reason I didn't go for nine months just because what do you talk about after hour three? Look how much hair I have. I've had, and actually I'm having a lot of, and I, like, we can laugh about it. And to some people that might not have anxiety, we might seem like superficial, but we're trying to show you that every day, like doctor's appointment, like a lot of those things.

And then, and then also sometimes not to me, for me, I don't know if it's the same for you, but sometimes I breeze through nothing. Cause I'm an extrovert and I'm fine, but then there's some that aren't, I'm going to tell you one that I just thought of and it's medical and gross, but I think it's. I'm here for it. We're here for it. So I had to take a sample, okay? I had to take a stool sample that wasn't my own. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay, let's not. This is a thing. We have to take samples.

Okay, so I was already so stressed about it. I was like getting it right and all these things. And it wasn't me, so I had to. All the things. I had it in a Ziploc bag and then another bag. And then in case you can see it, another bag. Okay. And you're walking in and the office is small and I'm already like heart palpitating or whatever. Everyone knows that you're there for that. This is normal. This isn't, I don't need to make this into a big deal, but I'm like sweating.

I've already put it off for longer than I should. And so I go in and it's small or whatever. And then of course there's like a long waiting. So it's building and building. And I see them talking to other people and I'm like, they're not being very discouraged. great.

No, this is not set up for an anxious person. So then I go up and I'm trying to lean in and quiet or whatever this is for. So where's the blue form? I didn't have the blue form. So I'm just like, the person was mean to me. And I'm not overreacting. She was mean. She was like, you don't have the blue form. And I'm like, no, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. I can tell you when I came. I can tell you the health number of the person it's for.

And I keep repeating that it's not mine, which then I'm stressed because I feel like the people behind me think I'm just saying that because I'm anxious. But really it is. It was awful. So I'm like trying not to cry and hyperventilate or whatever.

She gets me all the new forms. I run out of there. i'm bawling just on the way home like from so many things from all the experience and the embarrassment and also just like how could you be such a cruel person and also oh this is the closest blood clinic or places that you go and i can never show my face there again and i did it i made my husband bring the next one and whatever so i'm just like if you're listening and you're like no just always be kind because the simple yes may may

be so hard and like even thinking about it right now yeah heart palpitations and like the hairdresser like you said and my hairdressers moved to the movie industry and i my hair is hard to do because it's different it's coarse and curly and i dye it a hard color which is red and it's been 21 years he's been doing my hair and i just don't even know what to do and y'all can't see but like oh spray the gray is to hear like it is time But the thought of going.

And because I've had things messed up, I'm just, I just don't even, I don't even know what to do about that. So when you brought that on, I was like, and I, yeah, sorry. And I think what to take into consideration, you were talking about. That's why we're so exhausted and then maybe make other decisions or whatever. Think about how hard it is to think through that and be thinking like that all the time. There's no reprieve.

Hopefully this gives a little insight into just how exhausting it can be. And I love that you mentioned for anyone out there listening that does not struggle in this way. I think one of the most hurtful things that I can hear is if I tell someone how anxious I am as a driver and they'll just flat out say, oh, don't worry, you'll be fine.

I'm like, you'll be fine. But I, it just completely invalidates my feelings, my experiences, and there's nothing kinder than that someone can say is, oh, that must be so hard. And is there anything I can do to make things a little easier? And I know I've mentioned it before about parking, driving. It's right up there on my list. And so I have friends, they'll, we're getting together, They'll actually give me specific directions or specific parking instructions.

And that just, I can't even tell you how much that means to me to know that they've listened to me, they understand me, and they're willing to stand beside me in that, not dismiss my fears, but come alongside and do whatever they can to support me and not belittle me. Because I think as a grown adult, I've driven since I was 16, but it's still hard and it's easy for me to go to that place. What's my problem? I'm such a loser. This is an adult thing that I should be able to do like that.

And I've met so many other adults that either don't have their driver's license yet, are trying to get it, or that have just as much anxiety as I do. And just that feeling, you're not alone and you're okay. And there are a million other things that I can do, aside from parallel park. Instead of parallel park. I would say I can parallel park if there was no one around, which is impossible. I was by myself and there was no pressure and I knew no one was going to be on the street.

I could probably rip that vehicle in there, but no, don't even. I just kind of. And what you said was really important. I know it's awkward and you want to make someone feel better, but you're actually making it more awkward and worse by trying to make us feel better.

Because you know what? we're not going to tell you next time we're worried or we're anxious because we're going to be able to come to you with that same thought and I'm not going to trust you because if I can't share that and you don't receive it or witness it and you're just telling me.

The things refer to our episodes of words that hurt and words that help for sure I think that we'll we're going to be talking about anxiety again and again but we really wanted to talk about everyday anxiety and also because we're living in it and sometimes i feel like i'm talking about things that happened in the past or this and we really wanted you to know that you're not alone yeah yeah and we've even one of our posts we've asked people and we're going to do another episode saying what

the things that other people have for everyday anxieties and our second hope is that if you're listening and I really hope that there are people also that love someone or anybody because we know how many people have mood disorders and or mental illness we hope that it can help give you a little bit of light about how to be a better friend or co-worker and just see our humanity and see our illness and just try to take a glimpse into what it's like to live with a bipolar brain Yeah.

So thanks for being here and listening. This is Bipolar. This is Bipolar. Thank you so much for joining us today on this episode. You can find previous episodes on YouTube for the video version. You can find the podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google Play, and Podbean. And we spend most of our time where you can join our community and interact on Instagram at this.is.bipolar.

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Let's share lived experiences so that we can change the ideas that people have about bipolar and help those of us that live with it feel less alone. See you next time. Music.